What Relapse feels like
Relapse- a proper noun that steals your attention and commands your obedience

Every person that was a part of your recovery had been lying
The recollection that it did not **** you but it did not make you stronger
Reliving the moment it stopped your living and when it prevented your dying
The feeling that you will not survive much longer
That is how relapse feels

The first taste of fruit after a long and barren winter
A moment of peace in a life measured in seconds
The perfectly straight lines of a newly aligned printer
A demand for piled servings and SECONDS!
That is how relapse feels

The need of a familiar place; of a familiar face
Desire for someone to hold you tight
The need to go far away; to go to outer space
Desire to leave this world for the light
That is how relapse feels

It's a ripping motion
Between wanting it to end and wanting its intensification
Between having to much and too little emotion
And the worlds between the brain speak languages with no translation
That is how relapse feels

It feels so good just to be so bad
The beauty in the human body's ability to mend and to break
It feels so bad just to be so sad
And the repulsive face of being awake
That is how relapse feels

It's a tearing
It's a tugging
It's a pulling
It's a shoving

Relapse is looking at the sky and thanking God for the ability to be alive
ten minutes before a battle in the head
asking if it's worth it to survive
ten minutes before tears stain so silently alone in bed

It's a promise broken
It's every moment spent clean wasted
It's the truth unspoken
It's the loss of happiness that had barely been tasted

That.
That is how relapse feels.

What am I hoping to find?
My hands smell of cigarettes,
But the nicotine won't calm my mind,

I want to feel alive
Stuck in this world, but I'm blind
Because you left when I was five

Daddy's little girl, ain't so little any more
Can't quit smoking, can't quit drinking, a crazy *** drive
All 'cause she watched Daddy walk out with some *****

When she was small all was well
Even when she heard slam the door
All had to be well, so she wouldn't tell

Why are you back?
In the past, I don't want to dwell.
It's giving me a panic attack.

I'm sorry I'm drinking, I inherited that from you.
I'm sorry that I'm smoking, inherited that too.
I'm sorry I'm *****, guess the depictions of "Daddy issues" are true.
I'm sorry that I'm seventeen, and for everything I do.

I am a hallowed out book
An ornate casing that should hold beauty between its walls
Instead, emptied of emotion
And often filled with drugs, *****, and unthinkable secrets

My pages are torn out
The words that should be used to express my thoughts have been desecrated
I will never be complete again
Where my story once was, now fragments of pages with sazerac stains are found

The few memories left wrapped around the flask when this whole mess began
Were soon torn off in desperation
And rolled into funnels to fuel late nights' bad decisions

I lay in the impression of your body
On the right side of the bed
The side pressed against the window
Always the window facing side was yours
Perhaps because you always felt the urge to escape
The need to be able to flee my presence at any given moment
Any flit of your mind
And any flicker of my imperfection

In the dark
Laying in the attic
The rain is slow and painful
There is one persistent dripping directly above me
Many more feel as though they are closing in on me
As if taunting my incompetent tear ducts
My eyes that refuse to cry

See colors
Hear beats
Have wonders
Feel a kiss of peace
A mess of confusion
I'm caught in a storm I will never see
The illusion
of a calm that will never be
Awoken in the morning
Disoriented and blind
Forgetting my mother's warning
"Don't associate with them, they aren't your kind"

You take my hand
"Didn't see you there," I laugh
Carry me to the sand
Look, on my behalf
You let me listen to the waves
I recognize the change in your inflection when you smile
And my heart caves
You're my lily of the Nile

My ice cold beer in Hell
The lock on my door
A secret I don't have to tell
My everything, you're

I have trust
I have love
In this world that I must

Thoughts never left unfelt;
words never left unthought,
torturing the mind they cannot escape.
Illusive, yet demanding to be spoken.

Breaking, hiding, running at impossible speed
in fear of the coming storm.
The syllables are sprinting
while utterances bevel behind boarded windows

The mind turned against itself;
feelings turned against their maker,
while the dark rains, drowning rains, are pouring.
The intracranial hurricane forces itself through the ruins.

Treacherous, turbulent storm a’brewing
Discolored and tornadoing
through the mind’s hills and valleys.
Unorganized and unrelenting.

I realized you were a small town man;
That you'd be more satisfied with being a comfortable failure than having to work for success.
You'd rather become your parents
Unstable:
Mentally
Financially
Romantically,
And unimpactful on this Earth's humanity.

I was a world traveler.  
In need of constant
Change
Challenge
Risk
And movement.  
I need a constant toiling in my mind
A constant pressure to move
A constant reminder that my next step could change the world
A constant potential for improvement

I realized you were content with what you knew
And my passion for learning was unappeaseable by your stagnant mind

I remember the books you wouldn't read
The songs you wouldn't sing
The explorations on which you refused to accompany me
The worlds you wouldn't see

And I now know that meant you would never last next to me
It's not your fault you couldn't keep up
Or mine I couldn't slow down
We can blame each other
My lack of satisfaction
Your lack of motivation  
Psychology
Economics
Chemistry
Chance
God
Karma
Fate
All these reasons
But none are real
Truthfully, we were just not meant to be

With each other we were not free
With your annoyance at my distance and my anger at your dissonance
Far corners of the earth you were not meant to see

I know now that my craving for motion
My roller coaster emotion
Is too fast paced
For someone like you
And to drag you behind me would be a waste
As we are not amazed by the same things, we do not have the same taste

It is possible that I'll never find someone
That worships this world as I do
and craves these things next to me
But at least alone I won't hurt anyone with my motion

Here’s to us
to the next generation
Here’s to us
to the first generation with shorter life expectancies than our parents
to the next generation to create the most lethal weapon
Here’s to us
to another generation that is perpetuating stigmas around *** and ****** preferences
to the next generation to create cancer causing chemicals
Here’s to us
to another generation keeping racism and sexism alive
And here’s to us
to the next generation to **** up the next generation!

Yeah, here’s to us and all the distress
we cause
Yeah, and here’s to us and all the mess
we cause

No!
Here’s to us
to the next generation
Here’s to us
to the generation craving to live deeply and fully
to the next generation that will fight for our rights as blacks and whites
Here’s to us
to the generation that understands that sexuality is fluid
to the next generation to walk for; work for cures
Here’s to us
to another generation of protests agains lies and fights won with mighty pens
And here’s to us
to the next generation to create the next generation.

I listened to your stories
Placed them deep within me
Wanting to keep your secrets safe
My heart's key I threw away

You're gone and
My love is locked

If anyone wants it back
They'll have to melt my skin
Sort through my veins
And dissect my heart

Al because you let me throw
The only copy of my key away

Everything I fix I break
And everything I break I lose
Please
don't let me try to fix you

Everything I give I take
And everything I take I bruise
Please
Don't let me give myself to you

Feeling lost and gone
In need of simple song
The shortest stick is drawn
Lies, but you'll go along

Touch you one last time
"Goodbye," and all your cries
A final sign
To sever all your ties

But it cannot be done
You will not be drowned
Under my midnight sun
You cannot make a sound

Amazed you have been saved

I want nobody to ever have to see me again and I want to never have to see anyone again
I want to sing in the woods and sleep by the fire and shower in the rain and dance to a nonexistent tune
I want to be sometimes alone but never to be lonely I want to be content but never ecstatic and never broken down never concerned
I want to be with so many people all that I love, but none of them broken as they are. They're there just for me to love and have.
I want a blanket and tea and shelter from demons that live in my heart.

Little bells
Only time tells
Listen as they ring
Promise not to sing

Music starts slow
But picks up fast- let's go
Bass high
Don't look me in the eye

Fill a pipe
Up the hype
Inhale green
What you've seen

Unzip my jeans
Don't care what it all means
Backseat of my car
No such thing as too far

*Don't talk to me; I don't care who you are.

Spins
The office chair aligns itself with the overhead fan
In sync they orbit my body
Holding still as I turn indefinitely
It's nauseating and satisfying

There used to be
Love in the air
Blatantly shown- for all to see
Long gone, and I wouldn't dare
To try again
Not much longer
Before it's a sin
To mutter those words, no fonder
Am I of the concept
Of love
Than I am of the way you're inept
Push and shove
****
You
Left no luck
Isn't that true
My father and my mother
You and I
Don't love one another
I thought forever 'till we die
On that very first date
Little did I know
That long ago sealed was our fate
It didn't show
Scared am I now
When I see the way we reflect
My parents relationship- wow
They way they were able to infect
My love life with their hell.