One more time
Would you say that again?
Please?
Tell me.
Tell me I’m beautiful.
Tell me how much you want me.
It’s... it’s lovely
It’s intoxicating.
And I’m an addict.

I take a pill
Every night
Before bed
And it keeps away
The panic
The compulsions
The stress
The perfectionism
The drive
The desire for excellence
The 4.0 student
Everything that was
Killing me
And
Creating me
So, now I have to decide
Is it worth it?

I’m an addict
It’s obvious

It’s in the way I drink
Desperately pouring into my gut
To finally let a smile grace my lips
To mask my constant pain

It’s in the things I do at night
Phone in one hand
The other reaching down
Endlessly searching for another wave
Just one more moment of bliss
Before I go back to reality

It’s in the way I swallow my pills
Trying to will them to be stronger
Begging each extra tablet
To be just a little too much

It’s in the emptiness of my soul
The numbness of my heart
The agony in my head
And the recklessness of my spirit
I know it’s inside me
A few years and you’ll see
It’ll be quite obvious
I’m an addict

There’s that point

Approaching ******

Reaching it

Savoring it....

Where I’m absolutely certain

I’d do anything for some real ***

Or maybe even

Just to ****** one more time...


I suppose I’ve been in need
Of some kind of painkiller
And it’s clear now
That natural ones may have to do

It hasn’t even been that long...
Bit over two weeks?
But tonight I gave up
I gave in to the pleasure
Stimulation
Excitement
Teasing
Prolonging
Then pleeeaassssure....
Mm... and to lie in bliss
In comfort
In serenity
In deep and surprising
Satisfaction.

I like to believe
My pride is rooted
In insecurity
Because somehow
That's better?
However some
Nagging notion
Makes me wonder if
My self-demeaning
My self-sabotaging
My self-harming
Is all simply to hide
From myself and
From the world
The arrogance
Consuming my mind

I've been fighting so long
In this awful, ****** war
I'm deeply tired
Wounded, scarred

I want to surrender

The voices screaming
"Give up," "You can't win"
"You'll never escape this"
"You'll never escape us"

I want to surrender

But there's this force within
Keeping me breathing
Swinging my sword
When my own strength fails

I want to surrender

I am reminded by it
That I can't give up now
There are better things coming
My fight cannot end here

I want to surrender

I suppose, there must be
Courage inside of me
Because despite its allure
I have yet to give in

I want to surrender

And it is the act
Of overcoming this desire
That proves to me
I fight with valor

You don’t need to self destruct to get attention
You don’t need to
Hurt yourself
Cut yourself
Starve yourself
Endanger yourself
Sabotage yourself
To get attention

You deserve attention
You’re worth noticing
You’re worth caring for
You are worth them sticking around

sensitive content



I'm gonna get myself into trouble one of these days
I thought I wanted drinks
Maybe I want pills
I've always been drawn to anything that'll make my head foggy
Pull thick clouds into my mind
Slow my racing heart
Numb my body

I don't always get that
I have my various ways
I could easily ruin my life with drugs
It's enticing
Something better than having to live
Not without its own pains
But at least sometimes they'd go away

And it's then that I find myself
Wrapped in a foggy bliss
Nearly unable to move
Can't think
Barely breathing
And that's how I like it
I almost thought I'd die
The thought didn't seem to bother me
Not with my system flooded
With whatever it is I've decided to take
No... there's a kind of peace in deciding
You have nothing left to lose

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting


just one more line....
that's all you'll need
one line will be enough...
and then one more

one more


four more




six more



do it on your leg so they can be bigger

just.... cut.....
Over and over



OVER AND OVER

and the blood just sits there

and i stare back at it

all over my wrist

drawing on my thigh

it stings.....


but i can think
i can breathe
i felt it
my satisfaction
got my fix




but i know next time

i'll require a bit more

It's a fascinating experience indeed
To know you're unbalanced
To know there's something wrong
To be really very confident
and to have red flags waving
But people are easily fooled
So you enjoy your high
Knowing you should listen to your therapist
Knowing she's absolutely right to worry
Knowing you'll disregard every one of her warnings
Knowing you'll lie over and over again
Because you want to be free
From the ******* of the pills
You just have to know
If they're what's ****** you up

I must be sick...
There’s hope
I have plans
Things are working out
I met someone

Yet

Depression fills me like a heavy fog
Passive suicidal ideations linger
I can’t eat
I’m drawn to cut

I just... I just don’t understand

I disappointed myself today
Not that it probably would have mattered
Because sometimes I'm just sad
And today is one of those days
So, I'm going to sit.
On my couch.
In sweats.
Eating chips.
Watching TV.
Writing poetry.
Until it stops hurting.

I got a bit high
And tried to capitalize
The numeral five

You called me "gifted"
You forced an identity on me
If I wasn't smart, who was I?
I knew I would let you down
You taught me to box myself in
So I could take over when you left
And now here I am
No better than anyone else
Utterly lost and confused
I don't know who the hell I am
Because everything that made me
What you told me I was
I had to abandon
Because it was killing me
All those "gifts" that now I see
Were the result of nothing more
Than my ******* anxiety

Procrastinated all day
So here we go...
Caffeine high
Music so loud
Laptop out
Calculator ready
Let do this.

my eyes
heavy
thoughts
foggy
and the world's
best selling drug
to prop me up
to induce
lucidity

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts


I want you to watch
Watch me
Watch as I hurt
Watch as I abuse myself
‘Cause I don’t really care anymore
I’ll open my wrists
I’ll exhaust my heart
Burn out my mind
I’ll empty my stomach
I’ll tremble with weakness

I want to stumble and fall
I want you to catch me
Prove you care
Prove you’re there
Beg me to stop
Take the temptation from my hand
Share my burdens
Because I can’t bear them anymore
Not alone

Stay my hand
Take the blade
When I’m too weak to let it go
Tend to my wounds
Take away my chemicals
The ones I use to hide
Because you want to see me
Not my masks
Because you care
You want to care for me
You know I’m no longer capable

I want to be weak
I want to be ill
Starving
Shaking
Bleeding
Dying
And I want you
To care

explicit content


So, here's what you're going to do
Place your hands on my waist
C'mon, dear, like you mean it!

Alright now pull my hips to yours
Yes, that'll do nicely
So I can feel your body against mine
Now, kiss me gently, lovingly
And then again like you need me
Like you lust after me
Like I excite you

Now, pull away and I'll bite my lip
To hold the place of your tongue
Tear my shirt off over my head
Throw it somewhere
Undress me quickly
Show me you need my body

And together we'll fall on the mattress
Where we entangle ourselves in lust
Mmm.... darling you excite me
And clearly I you...

Now ******* thrill me.

I'll put you on your back
Lie flat and let me take you!
I'll have you now
Fingers trace your v-line down...
Wrap myself around you
As we're both hit with pleasure

Our bodies scream for more
As I tease you from above

Oh, but you won't have that, will you?
No, what a powerful man
Take over
I'll surrender

If you make me

Throw me aside and make me your slave
Touch anything you like
I'm yours tonight
Let me feel the strength in your arms... in your hips
Tell me you CRAVE more of me
Be cruel, be kind
Set me on fire with bliss
Darling, more!

Yes... yes there... right there.... that's it now...
Yes... a bit more... go on...
MORE!

then it hits.
the rush.
the flood.
and as it fades I'll scream for you to do it again!
let's get it back, shall we?
mm... yes... yes that's it, dear...
keep giving me that...
make me your woman.

I don’t want to be numb anymore
I don’t want to cry only when I think about how empty I am inside
I don’t want my wrists to burn
Begging for a cut to make me feel again
I want to care truly and deeply again
I want to feel my life
I want to feel alive

However

The medication keeps me sane
It keeps me able to eat
More than a few tortillas a day
I don’t dissociate and panic
Because my homework is stressful
I can make it through my days
Because I take that pill
The lowest dosage I could convince my doctor to offer
It’s keeping me alive

I think

I need you to know
You have to let me go
I’m not helpless
I am relentless

My body cries out
It screams in frustration
And I have no doubt
That what I crave is liberation

You have no right to control
It’s taking a toll
I’m not your toy
That you can destroy

tw self harm



I should regret it
I should regret every pull of the blade
Every drop of blood spilt
I should... I should I should...



Why don’t I...?



I wanted to bleed
I accomplished that

I wanted it to hurt
I suppose it likely did...

I wanted red.
I found it.

I wanted peace
So I made it.

You know exactly what you’re doing
Not eating enough
Letting yourself stay hungry
It’s a punishment
Without scars
Without blood
But it hurts
And the more you do it
The more they’ll like you

I feel pretty when I’m hungry
Like maybe my stomach will begin to slim
Like I’m dainty and beautiful
Like maybe if I can keep it up long enough
Someone might want me

There’s death in my heart
It doesn’t beat
Can’t feel a thing
Icy... necrotic...
I feel like I’m fading
Falling
From reality
From life
From grace
And if I’m really lucky
I’ll talk myself into it
And I’ll get to see it
On my wrist

Can’t feel anything
They drug me so I don’t cut
So I don’t **** myself
Won’t let me drink
Can’t get high
Can’t even **** myself
So instead
I ate... and ate...
Til my stomach hurt
Forcing it down
Feel the carbs increase my heart rate
Tiny bursts of mild pleasure
Turning into gluttonous lethargy
I guess I felt something

Apathy is rather dangerous
Isn’t it?
I just don’t care.
Not sure I want to care
I could do anything
Because it wouldn’t matter
If you don’t worry about others
You can do whatever you please
Danger, warnings, signs
Utterly meaningless!
Feels rather free.....
When emotion dies
When your chest grows cold
Heartbeat sickeningly steady
Breaths a bit too even

Do I run to pleasure?
Find myself a lovely vice
Intoxicating, sensual, invigorating
To awaken my spirit

Perhaps pain will do
Play with the little silver toy
The one with the sharp tip
Jarring and thrilling

Take some risks
Cause why the hell not?
Shock loved ones
Laugh at their concern for you

When the heart turns to stone
Anything, everything
Is fair game

So, what shall I do with mine tonight?

there's a cage
or a room
or... something....
can't seem to remember now
it's been so long
since there was light
enough to see by
all i know
is there is no escape
i will stay here
breaking
rotting
dying
i will sit in my sorrow
in this prison
begging
praying
for the mercy
of one
final
breath

Something about this house...

The table where I sat and wept
In silence so they wouldn’t hear
Waiting until they were all asleep
To eat next to nothing

The couch where I laid
Catatonic for hours
Staring into the TV screen
To lose myself in other worlds

The stairs where I fell
Because I was so weak
Then I screamed that I was fine
Realizing something was very wrong

The shower where I could sob
Where the sound was drowned
Eyes closed so hard I saw spots
Begging for existence to stop

The entry where I greeted guests
There to congratulate my graduation
I had to endure so many, “You look so great!”s
And pretend I had already eaten

My room...
So many memories...
Scraping the skin off with my nails
Questioning my will to live
Sleepless nights in anguish
Only to rest from the exhaustion of crying
Praying for my sanity

This house...

Mmmm... I’d forgotten
How much I really do enjoy alcohol
Not the drink so much...
But the feeling
Intoxication is exquisite
Pleasant, content, peaceful, relaxed....
Mm... maybe I’ll have a bit more

I saw beauty today
In the rusty soil
Vast forests
Mountain after mountain
Until I was surrounded
Then I laid in the sun
Allowed it to caress my skin
Closed my eyes
And I listened
The water flowing gently
Peaceful
The wind blew
It wrapped around me
Throwing bits of hair around
And then it was still
I was still
And it was in that place
I once again opened my eyes
And I saw beauty

The truth of this life
Is that it hurts
Is that it breaks
Is that it burns
And overall
It’s not worth living
But you can’t stop there

Because there’s more
The story goes on
There is truth
Beyond this desperate place
Truth that offers vitality
And this, this is
The only reason
I’m still alive

Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe

tw self harm




I hear its sweet voice in my head
Making promises
Offering deals....
A little cut to calm the nerves?
That.. that sounds reasonable...
Its voice grows louder and louder
Tempting, coaxing

I don’t want it!
I’m not doing that anymore!
I won’t do it!
I try to protest

But there’s an ache in my heart
A restless, painful void
And while I know it’s not a solution
I do know it’ll release some pressure....
Make it a little easier...
maybe? maybe I’ll try... just a bit...

This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Withdrawal
Side effects
Before any of it will improve

I’m so **** scared
Of relapsing
So I play these games
Distract myself
Even as the feelings creep in
I tell myself a different story
Make up some excuse
Point them anywhere else
But now I’m so confused
I can’t remember what were lies
Except for the one truth:
I’m so **** scared
Of relapsing

Feel depressed
Take time to myself
Get called lazy

Keep busy for them
Not doing enough

Stimulate my system
Now I’m reckless;
Stop
Energy plummets

Lazy again
Forget things...
Lots of things...
Why can’t you remember?
Am I not important to you??

They’re always angry
Never doing enough
Never helpful enough
They are all that matter

Wait.

What about me?

You’re lazy.
You’re not doing enough.
Get up and help.

I can’t.

Yes you can, c’mon.

I. Can’t.

Worthless.

And now

More depressed.

Oddities of flesh
Pale and sickly
Necrotic, peeling off
Craving death so near
But if treated with care,
It will glow like fire
Radiant, vibrant
And it will be so
Impossibly beautiful
Full of vitality
Powerful
But, it must be
Treated with care