like a compass that has lost north
spinning without pattern, without end
my heart races erratically, unmoored
by just the soft touch of your hand

you look so happy without me
it feels like i am drowning in regret because
i just wish i could make you smile like that

i wish i could make you smile as you do now
make you laugh as you do, standing next to her
make you happy the way she makes you

you two even have matching necklaces
wearing matching colors, matching
the way we did when we were together

but now your smile matches hers
and that is all that is different
but it makes all the difference

i find it stupid that we were taught
two negatives cancel out to be a positive
do two wrongs ever cancel out to be a right?

ages ago, i made two stupid mistakes
hooking up with you in the gallery and losing your number
but i bet you're doing just fine

it's been three years, counting the first
and it's depressing to think about but
my memories have started to fade with time

i can't remember the tilt of your smile
the curves of your dimples or the lilt of your accent
if your hometown was cambridge, quincy, or boston

i can't recall the feeling of your fingers woven through mine
or the warmth of your body pressed against mine
or the way my heart raced from your words

so i'll tuck away whatever's left of the good times
into a little chamber in my heart
let it simmer and boil and wait

until the day we find each other again
i'll keeping looking back and thinking
i'll keep looking back until i realize again

english is a strange language
red is a mesmerizing color
my guitar sounded better when you were playing it

two past events cancel out to form the present
only one of the two mistakes previously mentioned was stupid
and when i said i loved you, i meant it

in the few moments
before dreamland crashed into reality
the skies glittered like cities of light

there was the sight of your bright eyes
admiring in the soft candlelight
the silhouette of your finger

tracing the constellations as
you shared a story of dusk and dawn
leading to the promises of a forever

which rolled from your tongue and became
the only words that ever mattered as much as the
"of course, i care," which you melded into lullabies

that repelled the terrors of loneliness
of wars in the heavens and monsters in the dark
your smile radiated light and

in the way your warmth surrounded me
you became young apollo
and i, your uncursed, loving daphne

times passes slowly now
the only times that had mattered
have all rolled on by

gone with the wind
and the dust has now settled
memories fade with the rays of light

our golden hour is in the past
night falls onto our shoulders
my mind is hesitant to say if it is heavier

than the weight of your words
when you said you were finally happy
my heart bled gold for you

t/w: violence, death

-

dear little miss dreamer
i'm sorry i couldn't write to you sooner
but yesterday night, i've read all three
each and every one of your letters

your mother sounds lovely
a brave woman, from what you've told me
if your brother comes by downtown
tell him, he's welcome to visit me

you have some big dreams
and i hope i can help them come true
i'm sorry i've been so busy
but i would truly love to meet you

you remind me of my wife
of her dreams when she was your age
we grew up together in center city
like you, she was wise beyond her days

i agree, we need to help kensington
and we've begun taking some small steps
i'm pushing for a new bill to pass
but it'll still take some time to prep

i know you mentioned drugs and violence
and yes, i agree, it's completely true
please stay safe and stay inside
it could help protect you

actually, that just reminded me about kensington
my wife had told me some shocking news
a mother chased to her kitchen counter
a little girl, shot, in the same view

i think she was writing a letter, too
but i don't quite remember who exactly to
it was titled, i think, "dear mister life-changer"
wait, it couldn't be— no, God, please, not you—

please note: t/w: violence

-

dear mister life-changer
how have you been?
i know you never answer
but i wanted to try again

introducing myself for the fourth time
i'm a small girl with big dreams
my dad walked out when i was real young
my mum hopes i'll have an easier living

i'm in kensington, philly
it's not a nice place to grow up
with drugs, gangs, and guns
my older brother once even got mugged

i'm writing from my little closet
my mum said it's for me to be safe
but i hate being alone in this place
it's such a small, empty space

a couple of gunshots outside
it's like this every other night
brother's not home right now
but i sure hope that he's alright

there's a clicking noise
it doesn't sound very nice
i hear footsteps down the hall
they're not mum's, they're too light

mister life-changer, i think that might be my brother
he told me you could make things right
but why don't you ever write back to me?
why don't you ever reply?

i want to tell you my dreams
i heard you can make them come true
just give me one chance, sir
it's worth it, i'll show you

i dream of a big wide world
where i can walk outside and not be afraid
a world big enough for every little brown girl
to skip down sidewalks and enjoy the day

i hope to move to the suburbs
buy a big house for mum one day
buy her leather bags and pretty dresses
and not a single cent she'll have to pay

-

dear mister life-changer
i'm sorry there's blood on this paper
mum's bleeding out in the kitchen
someone shot her at the counter

mister life-changer
they told me to wait
i called the life-savers
they said, just wait

i don't know what to do
so now i'm back to writing to you
will you ever make a change?
will you tell me to wait, t—

my hands reach for the strings
but i have butterfingers, and i hesitate too much
another missed chance, another lost opportunity

i wanted to tell you first
the confession was sitting on my tongue
but it burned down my cowardly throat instead

every time, the acceptance settles in my heart
heavy, like a small weight on my chest
at least i can carry my regrets without anyone seeing

go ahead, keep the lights shining on me
as i dance with someone who deserves better
who should have received a whole world

but if you look closely, all i had to offer was an arm to hold
and a smile for the pictures when we needed to pose
for my whole world was already in someone else's arms

i rewind my watch so many times
grasping the leather for a touch of magic
to bring back all that we once had

the lights illuminate the night sky
and i watch from the carnival ride
reminded of the last time we had stood here

as tonight goes down in flames
i cannot help but hope this is how we die
young and dumb and unafraid

the two of us are both in someone else's arms
separated by a sea and a telephone wire
you would have told me to be brave

i know that we were young and naïve
and our promises were vague
but i assure you, when i said

"i will love you until the end of time"
i spoke with my whole heart
dangling on a line

who in their right mind
would choose to hide skeletons
in their closets, of all places

my neighbor's backyard looks lovely
i helped him design it
you should know, i am no fool

not quite six feet under
the casket is more white than wood
but grey really brings out her eyes

                               well, won't you look at that?
                               my love's been immortalized
                               in a sepulcher of stone

lover, take my hand
let me love you inside and out
with your flaws and fears and faults

how could this be wrong
everything is telling me this is right
my heart tells me you are the one

rock my world to its very core
they say the problem is we are too young
my heart says we are old enough to be in love

however hard it might have been for us
God or gods must have planned soulmates
it feels like we were always meant to be

be my lover, be my one, i love you
you who are so beautiful
the moon pales in comparison

come, hold my hand, my lover
give me your heart and i'll offer you mine
let us be alone together, tonight

i wish i had known how to hold on
to good things while they lasted
and appreciate them for what they were

but alas, i am a coward
a selfish coward who never learned
that the weight of my words

was just as painful as the blow of a fist
and the spark in your eyes
were drowned out by the fires in my mind

my insecurities and paranoia
drove even the kindest away
this was why the good never stayed with me

                         shakespeare spoke the truth
                         the fault had never been in the stars
                         but in my own self

looking for your face
in the rays of ephemeral light
surely you must be golden

listening for your name
in the songs on my radio
the words pass by soft and slow

images of the calm before calamity
like waves rolling over to riptides
my heart drops, thunders, and shakes

understanding as never been my forte
love has yet to approach me and stay
mr. cupid must have forgotten an arrow

we kissed once in the backseat
of a dull yellow taxi with
love in our suitcases and mouths

then, another in the backstreets of brooklyn
as the boys hooted at us and whistled
hollering under their hoops

"****, y'all lookin' fine"
and we raised our middle fingers
like it was a salute to the gods

i know this is overused
it feels like just yesterday but
years have passed in a blink

perhaps i am just selfish
but i have yet to move on
i still cannot ride a taxi alone

hope sits silently and oh, how it watches
silently from the seat across from me
clinging to what is left of me

the sky needs to stop bawling
the weather outside does not help
whatever's happening up in heaven
should have solved itself by now

the storms are lovely, but i am tired
of being alone in a house for four
and here in a bed for two
and the one left behind is always me

the walls are crumbling now
they have been worn down for centuries
rain soaks the earth beneath me
this on my face is rain, not tears, i swear

standing alone in an open field
i am one with the universe
so when the lightning strikes
take me with you

we hold our breaths watching
shadows dance around violet candles
the air is hot and humid and
filled with unspoken confessions

the flames flicker with visions
of all the stories we could create
under a cloak of sweat and fire
dreams of love become one with desire

let me light another candle

the purple one, for its scent
even thousands of miles away
if there is one thing i know, it is this:
lavender will always remind me of you

a lover by day
and an artist by night
the epitome of perfection

let me paint you like you are
the heavenly piece of art you are
let the world see you through my eyes

the likes of an angel of love
sculpted by michelangelo
blessed by venus herself

brushstrokes simply cannot do you justice
50mm lens still cannot show the world the truth
cold clay cannot compare to eucalyptus eyes

forget these superficial takes
let's make art, my love
let's make love

your breath lingers on my skin
even as your body pulls away
the bass beat drops to the rhythm
of the thing pounding my chest

your fingers trace my figure
every touch is a blessing and a curse
goosebumps at these drops of gasoline
that set my body on fire

if the touch of your fingers

is enough to make me fall
six feet under, straight to hell
imagine what happens when
you give the grace of your lips

desire tastes like fine wine and honey
mixed with thin flakes of gold
that drip from your parted lips
as mine trace the hollow of your throat

desire is my language
my fluency in lust brings me
to the sight of your glazed eyes
your fists clenching my silk sheets

cherry chapstick could never

it never could have compared: not when
your lips are ambrosia and nectar
let me worship you like you are
simply fit for the gods

i would've traded you my heart
for those cheap highway flowers
if we had met in that april night
we could've watched the lyrid showers

perhaps we can just close our eyes
and sleep away this spring and summer
but: i can't take my eyes off you either
you're the sun to my sunflower

there is something so intimate
in the way you shed my robes
in the sway of your hips
and the red of your lips

in the way your body stretches
under my seamless silk sheets
wearing nothing but fine gold
what a sight to behold

forget the silk sheets and fancy robes

they have always looked better on you
but: this sight of lost control
and the flush against your cheeks
this is the intimacy i crave and seek

silence rings aloud
waiting to be broken by you
with a litany of praises
my name as interludes

murmured against my skin
falling from your tongue
slipping through your lips
squeezed between the steady pulses

this is truly all we need

there is something so beautiful
about the tranquility of silence
but: my name sounds so lovely
when you are breathless

the walls cave in quick
my wrists sink into the bed
the lights are flashing red
i guess this is the end

your lips, they worshipped
me a century ago
but now, they leave bruises
treasure maps along my throat

hospital white walls
but the floor's littered with cigarettes
and underneath these cold sheets
is a familiar sense of regret

"sorry," you'll say
and we'll make up again
"sorry," you'll say
and i'll come back again

i'm calling your name
i don't think he notices
but can you hear me?

his body is warm
a heart of gold, but stone cold
fingers trace my skin

hold the dial tones
wrap it tight around my neck
tell me you love me?

i want to hear it
it'd so be easy to fall
for your words again

calling you again
no, you don't have to answer
i just miss your voice

                                voices in my head
                                it’s harder than expected
                                i’ll finish alone

mother, my grades do not define me
an A+ will not bring me wealth
see, you’d understand if you asked
if you’d checked in with my mental health

mother, no one should have to prove themselves
self-worth is found in the heart and mind
not in jewelry, clothes, and cars
nor mansions, bars, and wine

mother, life is different now
it’s not how things were in the 90’s
it’s not supposed to be all work and no play
people my age are just teens

mother, *******
can’t you understand, this is Gen Z
let me slow down and waste time
and let things run the way they’re meant to be

mother, this is my life
not a stock to trade or buy
i’m not a human investment
just a girl trying to live her life

mother, stop controlling me
let me test the limits myself
in a world where experience is needed
let me regret and learn by myself

mother, you need to let go
stop holding the strings over my life
the next time i feel this way
i might just cut the tie

mother, my confidence is at a low
it’s not my mind, but my environment
it’s the way you berate me, call me useless
and shamed me to the place i’m now in

mother, maybe one day i’ll forgive you
for the childhood that you stole from me
for being the main reason why i look in the mirror
and see a worthless, tired girl that's lonely

                           mother, maybe one day, you’ll recognize
                           how you’ve unsuccessfully tried your best
                           to raise a perfect asian daughter
                           but she turned out more bitter than the rest

the pastel sun pulls
clouds into cotton candy
i think this is love

the roads get wider
these mixed signals and blurred lines
love looks for green lights

the skies burn orange
monarch butterflies fly free
this has to be love

this is it, maybe—
just the closest to lovers
that we’ll ever be

brother knows you better
brother knows you the best
he stands beside you, steady
as they lay your lover to rest

“i’m sorry,” he whispers, softly and slowly
why is it now that he chooses to be kind?
when all that you have ever wanted
is now six feet under, left behind

weeks later still, he watches you with sorrow
and under the weight of his gaze, you crack
anger flares and strikes
“why do you look at me like that?”

he turns his head away
but you’re stubborn and won’t turn back
“what loss have i suffered that you must be
so sorry, and look at me like that?”  

brother had always been a poet
he had always been soft with words
but the ones that gave his answer
this time, they really did hurt

“tell me,” you had demanded,
your breath puffing under the sun.
he had smiled bitterly as he replied—
                                        “a great one.”

Look, I think that it's perfectly normal for you to feel hurt and betrayed and just... be heartbroken and upset over someone like him. Because even though I always saw the ******* in him, it doesn't mean the guy you saw was invalid.

You just saw another side of him that I never saw, and I can't judge you for that, because if I had seen that side first, I'm sure that I would've probably done the same that you did and felt the same as you had.

But... I just want you to know, even though we've drifted apart over the years, I'm still here for you.

I'll always be here for you. You'll always have my shoulders to lean on, and you can always count on me to have your back. This is what friends are for, even ones that have started walking down different roads.

I'll turn around and come back for you. If I can't find my way back down the road, I'll pave a path to the middle so we can be friends again.

I know you probably don't want to trust me, but I'm your friend. He's broken your trust, but you should know I would never do that. I've never done it before, and I don't plan on ever doing it in the future.

I'll be with you, and together, we'll make through these hard times. Time heals everything. You'll turn out to be okay. I'll turn out to be fine, and I'll stay by your side. We'll be alright. It'll all be alright.

But right now, it's okay to not be alright.

Let it out. Cry it out. Scream it out. I'll listen.

Right now, I can't help but think that this situation is just like that one thing I learned in physiology class. Situs inversus, that condition where major organs' locations are inverted in the chest, and your heart's on the right side, instead of the left.

That's all that it is. It's just situs inversus for you right now. Your heart's just in the wrong place, with the wrong person.

In the end, you just have to wait. One day, the right person is going to waltz into your life, or run into you in the middle of the street, or something of that sorts, and it'll be alright.

I know that you're hurting, but you should know that you're loved. Because you are.

Loved, I mean. You are loved, and I mean it.

You're loved and you've been hurt and you probably think that it all ends with him, but don't worry. Don't worry at all. It's going to be okay. I'll be here with you for as long as you want me to stay.

It'll be alright.

You'll learn to trust again.

You'll learn to love again.

don't ******* text your friends while
you're ******* driving and now
i'm this close to throwing your phone
out the window and into the highway so
put your phone down because
i'm trying to talk to you
and right now i'm trying to ******* say
that you shouldn't ******* text your friends
when you're behind the wheel
because you can crash and **** someone
and you're important to me
and i don't ******* want you or me to die
and if you're important to me then
i'm willing to spend my ******* time on you
and when i spend my time on someone
i'm pretty much just spending my ******* money
and you already know that most of the time
i don't have any ******* money and if i did
i would be spending that money on sunshine
and time to try and make us happier so
if you don't like what i have to offer
then i'm telling you to say ******* to my offer
and to stop being a coward and
to tell me how you really feel or
just get the hell out of here because
if you're wasting my money already
i refuse to let you waste my ******* time because
i've already spent years wasted on you
but you won't ******* love me back
the way i ******* love you and
instead every single time when
i want to leave you just have to pull me back
because you think that it's a great
decision to drag me along to
all of your ******* adventures with
all of your ******* friends and
all of your ******* boyfriends only
to ******* tell me that i never
really stood a chance with you
and that you just want us to be friends
but clearly you don't even understand how
to ******* be friends with someone
because if you ******* did you would be
talking to me in the car right now
and not texting your friends and
flirting with me nonstop and
i wouldn't have to be ******* remind you
how ******* dangerous it is
to text and drive.

the leaves have fallen
and the clouds are dark
the trees are left with
only branches and bark

you said that you loved me
so I gave you my heart
laid down my armor
and lowered my guard

i gave you my everything
i showed you the scars
that constantly reminded me
that loving was hard

i would have given you the sky
the sun, moon, and stars
the planets and the multiverse
we could have gone so far

how did i go
from all these lovely parts
to crying in silence
for the you-sized hole in my heart?

It took a few years to find ourselves.
In that time, my hair grew out,
and your height grew tall.
We grew like sunflowers.

All the other girls wanted crowns,
along with a Prince Charming,
while I took up fencing, and learned
how to shoot a basketball properly.

You learned the arts, how to
play sharp staccatos and paint pastel skies,
while the boys your age were
breaking windows with baseballs.

Your performances stunned the crowds.
Your fingers moved mountains.
You came to my competitions.
My saber moved faster than light.

From a distance, was how we grew.
We were the sky and the sea,
watching each other from a distance.
So close, yet so far apart.

The first time we met
was when we were six.
Your knees were pale and smooth.
Mine were littered with scars.

The first time we met,
They waited for the sky to fall.
They waited for days, until
they realized the sky was not falling.

Life went on.
We grew side by side.
The sky had yet to crash
into the sea.

They waited—
months flew by—
the prophecies cannot be wrong!
they said, shocked.

I told them that prophecies were just fairytales.
I was six, and I didn't believe in fairytales.
I told them they were wrong.
I was too confident.

There are bruises on my knees
and blood dripping from my chin.
A bandage is stuck
on my cheek, beside my grin.

I have seen only a few summers,
yet I am already addicted.
The darkness retreats
to the corner of my soul.

The shadows kept me captive,
but the sunlight broke the bonds.
That moment, I knew, I was never
and will never be a caged bird.

We began as specks,
particles of dusk,
seen in a foreign place
from centuries away.

The prophecies had foreseen it.  
The oracle had spoken—
a collision so small in size,
yet so great in power

would tear the sky off its hinges
and send it crashing
through the mountains,
burying to the bottom of sea.

You were a bundle of white,
born on a boat on a summer day
as the clouds shimmered in tranquility,
and the sky reflected the sea.

I was born ****** and destitute,
with shadows so obsidian,
they claimed my soul and
set the sky on fire.

Two opposing forces like
you and me
had always been destined
for disaster.

paint—

on my brushes
my jeans
your shirts

on my arms
my fingers
your cheeks—

i'll be working
part-time
at the gallery, and

sweat—

on your neck
your shirt
my hoodie

on your skin
your jaw
my lips—

you'd be looking
at offers
to go pro.

i'll sell my paintings
but checks will only get me
oh so far, so

my wallet would be nearly
empty of dollar bills,
but with you,

my heart would be nearly
full of sunshine,
as long as i'm with you.

hell, i'll buy the
sunshine for you
if i could. and

i'll paint it on the canvas
(acrylic paint, mind you)
and i'll have it hung

up for display,
for you, for the world,
for everyone to see.

i'll come to your DI
games and
cheer for you,

would you come to the
gallery openings
and support me, too?

make art,
make love,
i guess.