17 times I
fell for
that promise.
Oh no,
no not again.

I was so afraid
to say the truth
'cause I know
it would break your heart.
But this is not about you anymore.

I don't know
how to make you realize
that you are alive,
and that you're human too.

Where were you?
When I needed your touch,
or your kisses goodnight?
Oh, I lost you to soon.

I wasn't afraid of you, you know.
You had your team and your burning stares,
but I wasn't afraid.
Little did you know, I had my arrows pointed at you.
We all had the same passion-
In the beginning that is.
We all wanted something out of this experience.
But most importantly,
we all wanted to be on top.
So we started climbing the
cold, ragged, stormy mountain
to see who could make it to the there.
I was behind in the beginning,
invisible from their distance above.
A tiny ant that could be stomped upon,
an inconvenience.
But in the distance below,
through the evergreen trees
and the cold rustling wind,
I had my arrows pointed at you.
I started gaining up seed,
respect,
gratitude,
confidence.
I saw the looks of your faces as I was passing by you.
The defeat.
Looking into the those eyes,
I still had my arrows pointed at you.
And I reached the top.
With callused feet and sore muscles.
With an aching heart and an uneven chest.
I looked down below and then saw your laughs.
Your smiles.
I heard your words.
You had your fingers pointed to me.
They were now my demons,
haunting me in the light.
The were now scars on my heart,
locking myself further and further away.
But in the night and in the light of day,
I had my arrows pointed to you.
I’m dancing on this mountain,
at least for right now.
Because I’m at the top,
so why not enjoy it.
But my arrows are still like a live wire
between my fingers
pointed at you.
I saw you today.
I tried to look away,
to keep you and your heartless soul
in a distant memory stored away
like a forgotten childhood trait.
But you swerved your path and fell right into mine.
Intentionally.
You want me to be afraid.
You want me to regret the decisions I made.
You want me to be weak.
But darling,
you've got it all wrong.
Because when success seeps through my veins
and you’ll be forced to hear my name
every day- to you, like nails on a chalkboard-
remember this.
That I was never afraid.
I made the right decisions.
I was never weak.
Because my arrows were always pointed at you.
And now the fingers of life are the ones
that are letting these arrows target straight to your heart.
And like always,
I’ll always be at the top of that mountain with
With callused feet and sore muscles.
With an aching heart and an uneven chest.
But this time you won’t be laughing and smiling
and saying false words about me.
You’ll be afraid
because I’ll have my dignity
and my team of burning stares
with our arrows pointed at you

Breaths apart.
These eyes could work as one.
Legs
Tied together.
Chest to chest, we couldn't be any closer.
It dawns on me what you mean to me.
I can't leave.

Your fingers trail down my cheek,
Leaving fire in its track.  
I'm burning for more.
I can't leave.

My future,
Didn't involve this place.
I was meant to be with the changing seasons,
The evergreen trees;
In small towns with infinite possibilities.
But I can't leave.

My heart skips a beat.
Two.
Three.

Your face contorts,
You know I'm thinking.
You know my mind:
A thousand thoughts per minute.

You lean in,
As if we weren't close enough.
"Tell me," you say.
Your hand trails down my back,
And I'm liquid to the touch.
You pull me closer.

My head is shaking,
Saying no to more.
I'm getting too attached.

"I can't-"
I try to say.
"I won't leave."

Now, your shaking your head.
You laugh against my neck-
This isn't funny.

You say my name and I'm gone.
*"I go," you say "wherever you go."

There's only so much one can be.
I write, I sing, I play a melody-
I believe.

Trust has fallen to the floor.
Too many hands have come in
to break my heart.

What if I could be a bird?
I would spread my wings and fly,
and be one with the wind.

What if I could be the ocean?
I would be the waves kissing the shore,
'cause I always come back for more.

What if one day they woke up
and believed in me?
Would they ask me to play?
Or hear what I have to say?

Calluses form on my fingers.
From lifting the weight,
to playing these strings-
I'm on my own.

What if I was an arrow?
Would I fight off the enemies?
Or would I lead somebody
back home?

What if I could grant wishes?
Would I grant my own?
Or would I give this world a miracle?

I'm telling you,
I'll play my music.
I'm screaming at you,
please believe in me.

I would give this world wonders
if you would just
believe in me.

He’s afraid of the ocean
because he doesn’t understand why the shoreline deserves to be kissed
every time they push the waves away.
He thinks we’re all going to die and it’ll be for nothing;
that will live to fill up empty spaces like headless bees
with a desire to sting the very first thing we touch.
He believes that these limitations and politics are pointless
because apparently keeping your hands to yourself was something someone made up
because they were crookedly insecure about themselves.
He looks up at the sky and hates the moon
because it doesn’t burn bright enough to cover up all the secrets that the stars hold.
So he blames the system and closes his eyes and goes to sleep.
He listens to renditions of the same story told in fifteen different ways and is captivated every time because its so simple
and so easy
to have someone teach them for you
instead of sleeping on a bed of blades.
He doesn’t even walk
he saunters
and nods as a hello
and wears baseball caps
because maybe it’ll shadow the lies he wears creased between his eyes.

He isn’t real,
no matter how many times you touch him.

He’ll claim that he is a bearer of the sun and that the light is the ode to freedom
but you’ve never in your life kissed anything so cold.
He’ll whisper to you and you’ll want to whisper back,
but you’ll find yourself driving home
screaming at the top of your lungs
because you left drunk
and he was more worried about his career
than your heart through the windshield
when he could've just drove you home himself.
He’s Pinocchio and you’ll end up wishing he could lie better
So you could feel like a respected lady just once.
But his tone reminds you
that the only kind of love a boy like him is made for
is the kind of love that leaves you bleeding and wet.
He’s an empty auditorium full of reverberating echoes
and you’ll spend your time
waiting
sitting
wondering
when the show will end—
Not even realizing that the jokes on you.
You could’ve drawn the curtains at any point in time
but you didn’t
because he was smiling
And nothing in this world is as lethal as his smile
as he tells you
there’s nothing to be afraid of

Those words are bullets
and you weren’t wearing any armor.

I'll go home if I can.
What I would do to make
these stars seem real again...

I would run for miles and miles and miles.

The leaves outside my window
don't change.
It's like this town is frozen in time.

I want to feel auburn, burning my veins alive.

I want to feel
A dark cold December,
I want to remember the way it felt
to be tucked in my sheets
on a cold winters night.
I want to feel it again.

oh, I want to feel it again.

Wondering what it's like
to have a compass that leads you
back to your lost heart.

I want that arrow pointing me homeward on.

The tides out my window
don't change.
But the ones in my dreams
are drowning me alive.

I want to be the one to rise above it all.

I want to feel
A night full of ember,
I want to remover the way
it felt
to dance in the wind on a
chilled summers night.
I want to feel it again.

The way Id look up at the sky
with possibilities,
Instead of obligations.
I want to feel it again.

*I want to feel it again.

A week ago you were here,
and now you're gone.
My mind tries to flimsily grasp
the unfathomable that swirls around
the empty pit you left inside of me
due to your sudden departure.

They said you floated on at impact,
suffering not in the vocabulary.
They said many other things,
but it just lead to claw scratching questions
we will never be able- nor want- to get the answers to.

So we sit here and wait for the grief to cut its path
like a storm waiting to pass.
The ones you left behind,
truly lock eyes for the first time
beginning to understand what the
true meaning of love really is.

So we live here, living for each other...
for you.
We pass hugs and condolences,
tears and admiration.
Cries and laughter.
For you.
For us.
To pass the grief.

You were a warrior,
and silent king.
You were a beautiful light,
a spouting sunflower.
But you left too soon,
gone any trace of you.

So we are left here remembering you,
keeping you alive in memory
and alive at heart.

A week ago you were here,
and now you're not.
But every time my feet touch the water
at the shoreline in the brisk wind,
I'll remember what you always used to say:

*"Float On"

Whenever I tried talking to you
you pushed your hair back
to tell me
you've always had it worse.

Maybe silence created you
to rebel against nature,
oh they did well.

I've once seen lifeless eyes speak
a million words
one of them was yours.

Maybe tears created you
because that's all you are
in my arms.

The hands of the clock
don't go back,
but you cling to them
to a time that's long gone.

You are a gone girl.
G  o   n      e     g     i        r       l

These thoughts will forever be
A silent battle within my mind.
But I shall never let these words
Shoot fire from my lips
To create a war with your oblivious heart.

Home is where
your walls have seen
all the ones you love.

Home is where
you've been hurt,
and the floor was your best friend.

Home is where
cheers of joy filled the halls
on a holiday with champagne.

Home is where
every single square inch of your heart
is mended and safe.

Home is where
I haven't been in quite some time.

How could you love me?
I don't have a favorite color.
I don't have a favorite food.
I don't even like candy.

How could you love me?
I hate the day and loath the night.
I don't prefer death and neither living.
I hate poetry and I write a least one poem a day.

How could you love me?
I hate to love, but need it all the time.
I hate to believe, but every time I close my eyes I'm dreaming.

How could you love me?

"I miss you though."
Is what you say to me
when I suddenly cross your mind
after all this time.
Weeks.
Months.
Years.
Time passes without parachutes
guarding these seconds.

Little do they tell you
about this thing called distance,
it's like a game of Telephone.
And I believe
that your last two words got lost in translation.
"I miss you though, not enough."

She doesn't know if anyone notices
That it shows in her face.
It was different then as it is now;
The damage tucked in the angles of her face-
In the shadows, in the light, beneath her eyes...

She could feel it changing
The way her laugh has suddenly become
A mechanism to not make her happy,
But others happy.
To push away the questions that would
Come crawling from concered hearts
From the thunder storm hanging
Above her head.

They aren't concerned for her being,
They're concerned for their curiosity.

Her smile used to reach her eyes,
Now it doesn't even reach her heart.
The path that connected emotions
To features was destroyed in the storm.
Like nature, it's going to take a while to recover.
And even when it does,
It will never be the same.

Just like her.
She won't ever be the same with every passing storm.
Every smile will be struck with lightening at night.
Every laugh will be drowned with the pouring rain

Just like her,
The storm has become her.

I've been slipping
digging
into my heart,
using these broken nails
to crawl my way out of this dirt
that I buried myself into.

"No," I've promised myself.
"This world-- it's hypnotizing.
It'll **** the soul right out of you."
The hungry skies will feed off of your light
to make the stars shine.
The world might be flat in the way it feels when you hit the floor,
but it will still fold into you
like a lock twists into a cage.

Don't ever forget
to keep dreaming
keep thinking
keep breathing,
for the world will take it from you
and you'll never be able to live again.

If you don't swim you'll drown.
If you close your heart in the way you close your eyes,
you'll never wake up.
The heart never sleeps,
and the longer you keep yourself in the dark,
you'll close your eyes.

*And never wake up.

Dreams,
What little they mean when your hands are around me, chocking me.

No stars align
The moon isn't fine
When you say they're beautiful.

When I'm upset,
the world turns gray.
It's this natural force
that I consume
and it's a curse.
This sort of power
ruins things.

But the only comfort
these type people ever need
is a simple acknowledgement of affection.

Put the paper down and
look at me.
Throw that god ****** bottle away and
look at me.
Put the money on the other side of the room, sit up, and
look at me.
Before it's too late.

Continuously,
they would say the wrong things.
Do the wrong things.
Try the wrong things.
It's sad really,
because what all that I need is written in my eyes
and I'm an open book if you just simply ask.

But no one does.

Do put it down, throw it away, sit up, and
Look at me
Before I walk out the back door.

See me for who I am;
all the greatness I've done.
For my accomplishments;
for the pain that I endure
and all I do to push through.

All I need is for you to look at me.

Do put it down, throw it away, sit up, and
Look at me

But it's too late.
Time ticked and went boom.
Night turned to day and I realized
I was wasting my time
trying to make you
Look at me.

But now you can't because...

*...I'm already gone.

Tonight
You wont be able to sleep
Because of me.

But
It's because of you
Why I haven't been able
To dream.

This is a message to all the ones
who find themselves alone in
their rooms on a Friday night.

I know downstairs is not the same-
different rooms, different pains.
Believers saying this is a good life.
A good good good good life.

Sister is telling you you're
too young to understand-
that you don't know what you're saying.

Mommy and Daddy are separated
into different rooms and they're telling you:
"Baby, nothing is broken. Wipe away those tears."
Wipe it away. Fade away. Forget it.

They are Oblivion.
From the bottom to the roof,
brick by brick living in
Oblivion.