i have dreams about spiders
i have dreams about you
things that could **** me
if they wanted to
in my dreams i’m afraid
that i’ll see them again
because you and spiders
are of the same web.

*(r.e.)

"I love you"
My whisper shakes the ground
And my heart quakes the earth.
I’ve met a lot of boys in my life,
And very few men.
Many of them have made an impact
On my life now, and I bet not
One of them knows it.

There was #1 that was never the best
I’m sure even at that age, he only wanted a girls chest.
But he was cooler than me, with a scar above his eye.
We sat on the swings as he told me goodbye.
Him leaving me made me sigh.

#2 was a tool, but aren’t they all?
We were all used and abused,
But we volunteer for the fall.
I broke him once, his payback was fierce.
Him leaving me left me in tears.

#3 was a stranger
But hey, he was cute.
He turned around and told me,
“I think I like you”
I was enamored, of course,
I was young.
We ran around the playground
And told them all of our news
But it seems I’d forgotten,
I had to move.

#4 was naive, but so was I
Who would think to give it
A fifth try?

#5 was my best friend
Hilarious and cute
But I guess I didn’t understand
The meaning of abuse.
I was a little too rough,
And a little too mean.
But I never made an effort
Until I found him with ****.

#6 was a Mexican
I’d become attached
We met at a party, when I thought I met my match
Turns out it was him,
And certainly not his friend
Who I couldn’t seem to
Remember his name.
We lasted a long time,
He was my first love
But, you see, I’m a **** up.
I did him wrong.

#7 wasn’t long,
Nor did it last
But it didn’t stop him from
Keeping his hand in my pants.
I was too young to understand
I’m not sure he did either
But he started a chain
I should have taken a breather.
I wasn’t fun
And he didn’t like that
But I wasn’t ready
And that was that.

#8 was the domino
Tipped over by #7
Except that I thought this guy
Was my heaven.
Turns out, in the end,
I figured out much
I was quite stupid,
He wasn’t enough.

#9 was my angel,
My lover, my world.
When I thought about him
I tilted and whirled.
But I didn’t realize
Our life was a mess
And the love of my life
left me in a mess.
I broke, and I popped,
But that wasn’t enough to sway me
I created problems that couldn’t even
Be fixed by therapy.
It took me a year to get back to myself
But don’t think that stopped me
From finding someone else.

The third boy I loved
Taught me what love is.
To appreciate the world
And love it as it currently is.
I loved that hippie
With all of my heart,
But some people
Just can’t stay a part.

There was one more guy
Who told me he cared
And ****** me in
With all that he had.
He used those big eyes
And poked at my heart,
But little did I know
He too, would depart.
But it wasn’t him who left,
It was me.
Not even the songs he wrote
Could fix me.

*(r.e.)

i want you to rip off my skin
and lay waste to my sin
pick of my insecurities
peel back my sorrows
peek inside my secrets
and maybe then
i’ll let you in

*(r.e.)

i want to unscrew my skull
and take my brain out
find the place everyone
keeps calling my heart
and pick it apart.
i want to take a scalpel and
scrape out your words

*(r.e.)

What makes me feel beautiful is makeup and hair dye.
I love to paint my lips a bright pink, but I get upset
When that is all anyone sees.
I work on my physical appearance so much,
pasting my hair down perfectly, making sure my
eyeliner is symmetrical.
I get angry when no one sees what my personality can be
but truthfully, I don't work on that half as much as I work
on my outward appearance.
Maybe my insides aren't beautiful enough to compliment.
Maybe my hair is the best thing about me.
Maybe I'm not worth what I think I am.
Unless you count my "beauty."

You saved me because you shared with me the deep depths of your soul and I knew I never wanted to swim so low as to reach you at rock bottom

*(r.e.)

Blueberry bushes touch in the dark
And their branches sway in the slight
And ever so brisk breeze.
The color of 1 am paints the ground
And stars speckle the sky,
Unlit by the lights of the others.
A home is created on the hill
Where a couple lies contemplating
The steps of their new future
Built by calloused hands and dirtied nails.
The soil falls away, leaving a space
Where they float together
Alone with themselves,
No longer running from the clock.

*(r.e.)

i’ve had so many thoughts
peeling through the day
and i was terrified for so long
that i could never stop the intrusion
but when i kissed you
the thoughts faded into black
and all that was left inside of me
was a fire burning hot.

*(r.e.)

I miss the slip and slide
Along the strings
Across the neck
Amid the noise
Among the silence.
You loved me, and I should have too
But there isn’t much
More that I’ve got
Left to give.
So take your guitar
And your broken heart
And leave mine here
To mend

*(r.e.)

Raising is a feeling
I've never felt before
Not one of love
But one of gore.

I can feel it bubbling
From deep inside my chest
An aching need to *****
To give myself a rest.

I know it wouldn't help much
Problems would still be there
But maybe if I focused
I'd stop focusing on despair.

You told me that you have
Over one million hair follicles
And I believe you.
I do.
But, if it’s okay, I’ve never counted
To one million before.
I heard it takes a really long time,
But after I count all of the spots
The hair grows out of you,
I want to count all your freckles
And connect them like constellations.
You’re just like the universe to me
And each freckle is a star.
There are lots of stars we can’t
See with the naked eye,
But I want to find those too.
If that’s okay.

Before that, I was just normal.
Not that I’m not normal now,
But not normal like you would think.
I used to be like the girls
You see, laughing at the lunch
Room table, covered in smiles.
But now I realize how sad that really is.
I want to laugh and be happy,
But I want to breathe in the breath
Of the ones I love
Notice the importance of curves
Or the reason I can see each
Of the bones in her ankle.
I don’t want to stop and smell the roses
I want to memorize the wrinkles
In your lips when they press together

*(r.e.)

Dream catcher, dream catcher
Take me away
Away to a place you and I can play
Just like we used to
Among the blades of grass
Away from the nightmares
With you they won’t last.
Be my sweet dream catcher
Whisk me away
Back to when I made you
Smile each day

*(r.e.)

You made it so easy not to love you
because you left and you became
someone i've never met

There is no cure for the
Gravity and the calamity
Of the situation at hand.
Entropy demands to be
Noticed, and chaos pines
To be felt.
“I will not be ignored.”

*(r.e.)

I love the shape of your soul.
We may not be together anymore,
But I keep a picture of you
Hidden away so I can stare.
When I feel down, I trace your
Curves and dips and bends.
I may not like you anymore
But I sure as hell love you
At least for the perfection
Of your complexion and the
Undying hope of love and the
Never ending goodness of your heart.
It may be over but I will
Harbor the memories close
And lock them up tight
Because I refuse to forget the
Perfection of each imperfection
Lying sleepily in your eyes.

*(r.e.)

You let me ******* die,
you *******.
Don’t you understand?
I told you I was dying
You saw it in my eyes before you left
You saw it in the bottle of pills I handed you.
You saw it in my face when you made me promise
not to do anything stupid.
I KNOW YOU SAW ME DYING.
But you left.
You ******* left and I called yound you got on twitter and talked to your friends
instead of driving the 15 minutes to save my life because
If I had died, it’d be a load off your back.
You knew that if I left
You wouldn't have to bear the things I said
the ways I hurt you that you told me never bothered you.
Did you want to deal with the guilt of my death on your hands?
I told you it wasn't your fault
but you know it is.
I am beautiful and this is your ******* fault.
You let me die and I will forever be
the ghost on your hands.

the last i heard of you
you weren’t even trying
to get sober.
last you heard of me
i’m in college now
pursuing my career.
i still contemplate
your empty promises,
but now i scoff.
how could i have been
so blind?
you’ll never change for me
and you’ll never change
even for yourself.
as your body breaks
mine grows a new form -
one that no longer requires you.
i used to cry, thinking i missed
out on true love
and now i lay in the arms of
someone who loves me more
while you lay in a box.
i’ve broken out
and you’ve been nailed in

*(r.e.)

Why was I the one that got left behind?
Why didn’t you feel like I did?
You said you had a hard time letting the others go,
But why didn’t I burn that kind of hole in your brain?
How did you let me go with the wind,
And how did I let you do that?
I felt at home in your arms like the first time in forever.
I don’t know what drew me to you
Or why it was what I avoided in everyone else,
But when you held me my soul caught fire
and I’m not sure how to put it out

*(r.e.)

If I could be the perfect me
I’d be a perfect poet.
My hair would be long and blue
And I wouldn’t need anyone. Not even you.
I’d be a little too skinny
With long, lanky legs.
And freckles. Oh, the freckles i’d have
If I was a perfect me.
My eyes would resemble spring
Clean cut grass.
Eye lashes like the stem of an Allium
And shoulders like a mountain;
cut and pale.
I wouldn’t have you in my veins
And nothing would mean anything.
I wouldn’t need your permission to breathe

Or to just be me.

*(r.e.)

kiss my scars and
freckles in a way
that let’s me know
imperfections are okay.

i’m a wreck and it’s easy to see
will i ever stop pushing them
away from me?
i’m stuck under the waves,
and i push myself down
who’s fault would it really be
if i drown?

*(r.e.)

i’d lay in the forest
all the time if
spiders didn’t find
their way into
my spine and
up from there
right to my brain
i swear, they’re
the ones driving
me insane.

*(r.e.)

how do i let go of
my first breath in the morning
my last breath at night
the reason my heart keeps beating
against all my might
the reason my soul is blackened
the reason i still fight
i don’t know how i **** this
should i even try?

*(r.e.)

Love is so sad.
Love is not a melody
That drifts all through
The wind. It’s a soft
Hum that intensifies
And becomes maddening.
Love is hard and rare
It gets worse as it goes on.
People live their lives for love
But really, it only helps
You forget the rest of
What is wrong.

*(r.e.)

i’m feeling sorry
for the things i am not
like maybe if i was
long-boarding when we met
you wouldn't have had to push me along.
maybe if i didn't hate drugs
my favorite night would be different.
we could have been smoking in your room
while your cat clawed my legs
instead of arguing about who’s
music to listen to next.
maybe if i wasn't so scared
to have a little fun
i could still be there with you
but i was terrified and you wanted
everything i was not.

*(r.e.)

everything i touch is art
and i want to turn your
back into canvas
my fingers are covered
in acrylic paint and
you’re becoming a masterpiece

*(r.e.)

i’m cold so i’ll picture you here
whisper in my ear
tell me you love me
and that this is real
tell me i’m perfect
like you always do
tell me you need me
because i need you
i know i’m afraid
and that you’re scared too
but you make me feel
like this is all true.
karma was generous
when she gave me you.

*(r.e.)

I knew he was the one when
He wanted to grow plants with me.
He didn't want to buy me a rose,
He wanted to grow me a garden.
The offspring of our joined love
And a living representation
Of our beauty.

I’m not even sure what happened
But I felt so at home with you.
It’s been months but whenever
You speak, all I can think about
Is your bed
Being in your arms
That silly cat that kept
Clawing my legs.
You said I made you feel sane.
So why give up a feeling you’ve never had because you didn’t want love?
I guess you didn’t understand.
I never judged you.
I was just trying to help.
My future, your future.
I wanted what was best for our future.
Us. Together.
Maybe if I would have feel asleep in that bed -
My sleepy heart almost stopped that night -
Maybe then you would have understood that
I never wanted to change you,
I loved your imperfections
Because they made you
You.
I should have made you understand.
I shouldn’t have let the house burn down.
I should have saved us that day

*(r.e.)

It takes all of my effort to not text you
And teach you how to love him.
You can probably already make him
Happier than I ever did,
But maybe you should know
To keep your thoughts to yourself
So he won’t spend hours ignoring you.
Don’t ask about his past
Because he’ll never tell.
Show that little boy all the love you can
Because he rarely ever shows it,
But he’s as insecure as they come.
I want to teach you how to make him happy
So it’s still really me.

*(r.e.)

Little pieces of you flow through my veins among the plasma and blood cells. Bits of you bump into molecules of oxygen and they smile. My heart loves you. It pumps you through my ventricles and asks my body not to filter any of you out. My brain sends out constant oxytocin in your presence and my hippocampus keeps memories of your touch within easy reach. My body loves you just as much as I do.

i keep seeing hawks
or maybe it’s really you
swooping down to tell me what’s new
maybe they’re buzzards
and they can tell how i feel
lost without you,
a useless spinning wheel
maybe they’re birds but
maybe they’re planes
and i’m looking for meaning in nothing
in this digital age

*(r.e.)

Sad isn’t pretty.
Sorrow is beauty
And depression has its allure.
Grief is engaging.
I am not in love with the idea of sad
But I believe there is a morbid
Beauty that some moths
Emerge from their cocoons
With no mouth.
Like the girl you see,
“improving herself”
Digging herself a deeper hole.
Sad is boring,
Misery is enchanting.

*(r.e.)

i remember laying in your arms
that night and you asked if i was okay
because i was gasping for air.
when i told you he was the one boy
who could make me so upset
that i felt insane,
you told me i’d find someone who
could make me that happy
and i did

*(r.e.)

I hate how words can drop your mood.
The plummet of my stomach with
A single text from you.
Words are only lines, you see
A scribble shouldn't make me scream.

every poem is still about you
every dream
every breath
my heart beats simply because
you’d like it to do so
and while you plant seeds in your dreads,
little did you know you also plant seeds
on my heart, and every
***** ruptures because
i nurtured those seeds with my love
and they grew into trees
and you keep inspiring all these symphonies
you’re beautiful but no one will ever
mean it like i do
like my art shows it
like this art is yours
you’ll live on forever in my poetry
and so will my love

*(r.e.)

I wonder if it’s true
That in seven years,
My skin will be brand new.
Just like I’ve never been
Touched by you.
I’m not sure how I’ll cope
With the fact that my flesh
Agrees we were never really
Meant to be.

*(r.e.)

March right the hell away from me
Just leave me in your wake
I am sick and tired of
All my give
And all your ******* take.
You’ve ****** me dry,
You succubus.
I’m done with all the lies.
I know I said I’d be there,
Now I’ll be your demise

*(r.e.)

I’ve been underground for much too long

Repressed, but I’ve not regressed.

I do my best to grow, I bud.

Though the sunlight fails to meet my skin

I’ll make it through the day again.

I work and grow, though i’m alone.

I improve and improve at improving my self

I am unearthed.

*(r.e.)

I think the saddest thing to happen to me
Was falling out of love with you.
Being in love with you-
Entranced, obsessed, consumed
-Was such a part of who I was at the time.
Everyone knew I loved you,
Some knew you still loved me too,
I had people asking me about our story
Because they loved us just as much as I did.
Noticing you weren't my storybook prince
Was like losing a piece of who I was.

I'm sorry that I hurt you.
You put on a front that nothing could phase you
But I'm sure it must have been painful.
I got what I wanted, I'm not sure if you did
I'm sorry our reunion was also our death.

I thought I was helping
but I never did
I pushed you until
you couldn't take it anymore.
I wanted perfection and
thought you were it
so when you weren't
I couldn't take it either.
we both died a little,
you died a lot,
but I'm sorry I pushed so hard
I nearly pushed you off the edge.