My wish:

It's to be better for you

But I don't know if it will come true

Hellos, goodbyes,
Tears, smiles, regrets.
Families going together
And some breaking apart.
The planes come
And go
       and so do the people
It's a place we all have been to
But only a few of us truly know it

A sad song whispers from the speakers.
The sound of her voice whispers in my head.

A word,
A phrase,
Meanings lost
In the covering of years.

The snow crunches lightly under tires
Worn with miles trying to outrun her memory.
My hands shake on the wheel,
I can't forget the sound of her voice.

The speakers go silent as the song ends,
The darkness seems to be nearer now.
Headlights no longer cutting through
The black.

I drive on.
Running from it all.
Running is all I know.
Hiding in the night.

The song starts again.

one missed call

*one new voicemail

"This isn't working anymore. I'm sorry. Were done. Goodbye"

The way the smiles
Turned to tears.
The way the joy
Was crushed by insecurities and fears.

The way we went from snuggling
To bickering and namecalling.
The way the sparkle in your eye
Started to dim and eventual die.

The way you stopped saying
"I love you so much"
And the way your voice
Speaking in my head was made to hush.

The way everything
Seemed to implode.

Was it my fault?

The Starman rose,
He created Changes all around,
There was Dancing in the Street,
And we all saw something new.

He became Iconic.
Rebel Rebel to the norms and stigmas we knew.
We found Golden Years in the lilt of his voice.
And we were happy.

But Heroes cannot stay forever.
Eventually they must ascend.
A final Magic Dance for all to see.
A legend we lost this day.

Now we face this question,
Where Are We Now?
We're without him
The Man Who Sold the World.

We have to go on, left on this earth,
This suspended rock holding life.
Our own little Space Oddity.
Rest easy Starman,
We'll take it from here.

When the world knocks
I won't answer.

When the world knocks
I'll pretend to be asleep.

When the world knocks
I'll hide in my room. I'll hide myself.

When the world knocks
I'll know I should be there
But I can't.

When the world knocks*
I hope it knocks on someone else's door.

I question everything I
Did that day.

I go back over everything I
Said to anyone else.

I return to all the insecurities
And worries that I've had so long.

Before I sleep I start to wonder
Do I even know
Who I am?

Today isn't my birthday;
But it is yours.

I used to love this day.
Just touching the start of the year,
Another day to celebrate.
Planning for months in advance.
Making sure every detail is in place,
Every "i" dotted and "t" crossed.

But now,
Now it's just another day.
It used to be one of my favorites.
And now I have to pretend it's another day.
But it's not.
It's your birthday.

I guess now I realize I was
Trying to make today memorable,
So that you wouldn't forget me.
But that didn't work.
I wish it had.

Happy birthday.
I'm so sorry.

I cannot help but blame
Myself for every time you've failed.
I cannot help but blame myself

For every time I've held you back
For every time I've let you down
For every time I've been the issue
For every time you had to pick me up
For every time I was at fault
For ever one of your failures

I cannot help but blame myself.
I should have been stronger.
I should have been better.
I should have been more capable.
I should have done more.

I gave up on my life because it didn't seem worth it. Now you're giving up on yours
Because you've followed my example.

And so I'm blaming myself. I'm hurting myself
Because I did this all to you

I blame me.

When you look back on it, you think:
"Those were the good times"
"She was the best for me"
"I've never been so in love"

But we're all blind.
Blind to the fights,
Blind to the tears and curses,
Blind to the way we felt
In the worst times.

Our minds hold on to the good memories,
In our minds we see only the smiles and laughs
The trips and days spent rolling in bed.
We blind ourselves to the way
Things really went--and why they ended.
We're all blind to the bad
When we want the good times back.
We're all blind to someone who hurt us.

A clear, endless, Mediterranean Sea;
A sun filled, vast, cloudless sky;
A brilliant, flawless diamond.

All these things, your eyes could be,
But they're not. They're your eyes.
Shining, wondering, flirting,
Blue eyes.

Looking at me, your eyes seem to shine.
Of all the things I love about you,
Your eyes I love the most.

You bite your bottom lip,
Do you realize that?
When you're mad.
When you're thinking.
When you're concentrating.

You bite your bottom lip;
And I fall in love with you a little more each time.

Tonight, the monument's lights are darkened.
Tonight, the celebrations are put off.
Tonight, we gather together to mourn the lost.
Those we've lost are not ever forgotten.

Tonight, we stand with our oldest ally.
One world, one love, one night.
Some, who would use violence, try to tear us apart.
They fail to realize that only brings us together.
For tonight, we are not citizens of separate countries,
we are people.

The night may be dark
The shots have echoed through the streets
The explosions forever changing a city we all know so well.
But, that will not take our humanity.
That will not tear us apart.

Tonight we stand together as one people.
For those who have spent the night in fear,
We stand ready to fight for you at all costs.
For you, Paris, tonight we stand together.

My driveway
Crushed stone, over dirt.
That's all it seems to be.

But it is so much more than that.

That stone connects to the street
that street to the highway
that highway to your street
and your street to your driveway.

My driveway brings me to you.
It takes my heart, to yours.
Its a connection
A lifeline, between us.

But you don't see it that way.
You're there
and I'm here.
A while ago we might have been together.
But now
Now you don't need me
You don't want me
You've got your life
And it doesn't include me.

My driveway connects to you
It leads right to yours
But you're not welcoming me in
I wish you would.

I'm sorry the connections are gone

Blinking at me.
Demanding something of me,
Something I cannot give it.

The cursor demands meaning and direction,
It demands thoughts and ideas to put to words.
Those I don't have.

All I have is this cursor.

Blink
Blink
*Blink

Every morning I put on a brave face
But inside
I'm give up

Our religion is time,
Our life is work,
Our love is sleep.
And we say
"Look at how free we are"

Moving left to right,
Hips sway slowly,
Hair brushing one shoulder to the next,
Eyes closed and lips miming the words
She hears in her head.

We all wish those words were ours,
That our creativity made her move that way.
But they're not ours,
She's dancing to someone else's song

It's called "Midnight Blue"
But it's 6am.
Dawn is coming, but it's marked by
Deep, almost disturbing, blue
Filling the sky around us.
The Stars lay hidden in it,
The moon falls asleep underneath it,
The day will break soon,
But for now, it's midnight blue.

This light
It left me
It was gone quickly.
My world stopped moving forward
And yours went on without pausing.
I got lost, looking for you to
Still love me
Even though you wouldn't.
Is something wrong with me?
Or maybe something wrong with you?
I thought you said forever
And that meant forever.
But you lied.
And darkness filled my mind.

I will not adult today,
I will go out and play,
To my Pokemon and Legos I will say,
"It is for building and battles I deem this day."

Outside in the wind my hair will sway
And stress will not, my nerves, fray.

I will not adult today,
Imaginary monsters will I slay.
A pile of candy I will have on a tray,
Only blue skies I see, no clouds of grey.

For peace of mind I need not pray,
Today is mine and mine to do as I may.

What's that? The phone rings in my way,
It's my boss, he has something to say...
Off to work I go, I guess I will adult today.
Tomorrow I promise to do nothing but play.

Worry not for
The man who freely sheds tears
In the face of grief and loss.

Fear, instead,
The man who feigns
Bravery and deference
In the face of sorrow and sadness.

It is the second man,
Who will act without emotion.
He will hold inside
The turmoil and sadness
Until it boils over.

Like a ticking clock counting
Down the seconds to the end.
It will be he
That needs the support the most.

In the face of death
We need one another.

Swiftly running,
walking quickly,
champion
oh ye achilles.
writer scratch pen and scribble
breakest morn
oh eggs ye dribble
wander now oh complacent traveler
and know ye hear
that blood doth spatter
kings afoot and kings abhor
this deceitful day of Elanor

Maybe.
Just maybe,
If I close my eyes tight enough,
Everything will be okay.

You pitiable
Fool.
What niaviety,
What simple ineptitude,
What casual disregard,
What blind optimism,
What egotistical faith,
To tempt the universe to stop you.

Life always moves forward
With you,
Without you,
For you,
Against you,
But always forward.

It's unfortunate for us all,
That time never stops. Moments
Must be stolen from its clutches.
But we find them. We hold our moments
Against Time's relentless march,
And in that
We win.

No, time will never slow down.
But it will never go any faster either.
It simply moves forward.
Don't let it control how you live.
Your life is yours.
Always yours.

Can I be good enough?
Am I good enough?
I'll never be good enough...
For you

You're my only friend.
My only companion.
You're my only rock
In this storm.

Sometimes I think
I'll be just fine without you.
But you're my only sanity,
My only way to know how to feel.

You're my only friend,
And you're two thousand miles
Away.

It's easy.
Giving up is simple.
You just stop caring.

It's the lead up that's hard,
Losing friends is hard,
Losing yourself isn't hard,
Forgetting what you lived for
Is hard.

But giving up is easy.

The fear,
The darkness inside you,
It's always been there.
Always within you,
Giving into it is hard.

But giving up is easy.

Living is ******* hard,
Trying to be yourself
In a world of copycats
Is hard. Being who you
Want to truly be
Can feel impossible.  

But giving up is easy

I want to be me.
I want to continue live my life.
I want to do the things I've dreamed of;
I don't want to give up

But it's just so **** easy.

Running
Trying to move faster
To get away.
To put distance in between
Me and you.

Trying with all my might
To not be there anymore.
Legs pumping
Arms moving
Sweat dripping
I just want to get away.

But you're everywhere
Every place I look.
In everything I do.
In all the parts of my life.
And the horrible thing is

You can only run so fast in your head.

It's okay
Once in a while
To have to let go.

You want them
To stay
But some people can't.

Some people need to move on
And you should too

Wake up loving life,
smile at the sun coming through the window.
Pull out the pans
fry up the eggs
spread butter, sprinkle cinnamon on toast
bacon crackling in the pan.
Morning tv,
movie and pasta for lunch
nap in the afternoon.

Its a good day.

Meat burning in the oven
sauce overcooked
dinner ruined.
Sit down with leftovers from lunch
start to think.

What did I do wrong?
What is wrong with me?
What will make this better?

It comes like an onslaught
the horrible thoughts, the degrading feelings, the self hate.
Questioning every choice ever made
every word ever spoken
every action ever taken.
Start to wonder (for the millionth time)
if its worth it.
Is this all worth it?

Life has to be worth it.
But its a bad night... I just don't know.

There's many things I'd change--looking back.
I wish I'd been nicer in high school.
I wish I'd tried harder to be myself.
I wish I wasn't always trying to fit in.
I wish I'd tried harder with the first
woman I loved.
I wish I'd given my family more of my time.
I wish I'd been more careful with my feelings.
I wish I'd understood how quickly money can
Be frivolously spent.
I wish I'd been a better friend
And a calmer person.

Looking back on it all;
I don't think I have regrets.
It all led me to where I am today.
But there are some things I wish I didn't say.

Where
Memories remain
Where you feel whole
Or is it?

"******, I am certain I have a reservation here"
"Sir, I think maybe you have a stay some where near?"
After this latest crazy guest, I'm gonna need a beer.
Check everybody in.
Throw more towels in the bin.
Out through the door, let out a cheer.

Miss you
See you
Want you
Need you

All these things
They certainly are true
Or at least I'd like them to be.
The thing is
I know they're not true for you.

You've gone
Become someone new.
Someone despicable
Annoying
Aggravating
Appalling.

And that
That is why I know
When I say "I miss you"
I mean the old you
The one that was

The simple
Brown eyed girl that cried on my arm.
That sobbed when she missed me
That texted me every day
That smiled no matter what.
That promised forever.

But you know what?
You didn't mean those things.
So know this
When I said I need you
I don't mean it.

Because I have another now.
One who means what she says

I have the person who you were
And she means to stay that way

I want to be alone
I want to be sad
I want to think of the past
I want to mourn what I've lost.
I want to remember the friends I had
I want to think of the people I knew
So well
I want to sit and think and not face
Another tomorrow.

The point here
Is that life always goes on.
It leaves you in the dust
Sobbing and thinking of loss
Holding on to small things
Remembering cute smiles
And loving eyes
And whispered feelings
And heart break.  

Life cares about none of that.
It simply doesn't matter in the
Grand scheme of things.

So what we must see is this:

You can hide in the night.
Cry your loss to the darkness.
Ask the moon and stars for solace.
But in the end
No matter how hard you've cried,
No matter how many horrible thing you've thought,
The sun comes up anyway.

It's that simple.
The sun comes up anyway

One major promise broken
A thousand words unspoken.
And I thought for sure you'd see
Everything that makes up me.
I thought you would always know
That I will never ever go.
But instead you left them unsaid
The words rattling in your head.
You just couldn't face that life
With all my silly stupid strife.
You just could no longer see
Yourself happily married to me.
And I thought, no I was certain
That we could pull back the curtain.
And behind would be a sunlit window
And instead the ground is sallow.
I thought you could always look past
My failing and be my last
Girlfriend, lover, and honey.
The one I would spend all my money
On. The lovely lady of my world
And now my heart has been hurled
Into nothingness
Left to wander the abyss.
And you don't seem hurt at all
Like you never had this fall.
Like you knew this would happen
You seem to have been mapping
Your way right out of my life
And it's cutting my heart like a knife.
You know I've loved you always
Through all the **** and fall aways.
And it's a terrible knot
Like being punched and shot
That you could give up so casually
And forget our love so actually.
I thought I would spend a lifetime
Showing you you were all mine.
And instead you've run and hid
Shut the door and closed the lid.
I tried so hard for you dear
And I guess I never came near
The man you needed me to be
So now I have to let you go free.
Make no mistake I will cry a lot and
Already have. Staring at my hand
And wishing my ring finger could
Bear the ring I thought that it would.
Instead it lays bear and unknown
That I had plans to go down
To my grave with your love in my
Heart every single day letting you fly
Away from me is so terribly hard.
Smashing my heart to the last shard.
God I thought it would be amazing
To marry you and give you a real ring
But I guess it's not meant to be
And my heart I must keep totally free
I always thought you would love me
I guess I was wrong.

I hate this feeling.
Like you're slowly distancing yourself
From me.

I hate this feeling.
Like all we have is slowly
Falling apart.

I hate this feeling.
Like everything you say to me
Is untrue.

I've always wondered what my life
Would have been like.

I've always wondered how
Things would be different.

I've put a lot of stock in love stories.
In the way things are supposed to go.

I think that's kinda silly now.
I think it's a bit childish.
I think it's dreaming for the sake of the dream.
And I shouldn't live like that.

If I,
Could have lived in the moment
Given you everything I knew how to give
Don't everything I knew how to do
Tried to be the best for you
If I,
had done all those things

It wouldn't have mattered--you didn't love me.

If I had known that,
Things would have been better

The dark and the light.
It's not quite morning
And not quite night.

The sun still hides,
The moon, it's time it bides.
The day, yet to break
My bed, soon I'll have to make.

But in this moment there is silence.
There is nothing to do, yet.
Just lay, and listen to the silence.
The best moments hide in between
The end of the night and the start of the day.

Here,
In this moment I can be happy.
I can allow myself a respite
From problems and worries.

They say the dash in between your birth
And death
Is the most important.
And it is.
That's where the living is done.
That's where the memories are made.
Where love and loss
Happiness and sadness
All come together to make a life.
In between

Sometimes
You break your own
Heart.

I shouldn't have told you
The things I worried about.

I shouldn't have told you
The worst fears I had.

I shouldn't have told you
I was afraid to lose you.

I shouldn't have told you
How I felt about myself.

I shouldn't have trusted you
Not to pull the trigger on my heart.

I should have written poetry.
Maybe then you would have stayed.

I hope you think of me
When it's late at night.
I hope you remember the way I smiled
When you said "I can't do this anymore."
I hope you think of me
And wonder why I smiled then.

I smiled because I knew,
I knew I loved you even if
You couldn't love me.
I smiled because
You were breaking my heart,
And I didn't know what else to do.

I hope you think of me and you realize,
I smiled every day for you.
Even when I hid my tortured life
From you.
I smiled so you would be happy.
I smiled so you wouldn't worry.
I smiled so you would know my face.

And I smiled then,
Because it's what I always knew how to do
When everything fell apart.

You'd think
In a world of 6 billion,
Living in a city if 300,000
I would have more to do.
But here I am
Missing you.

I know you've got
Friends and plans and a full life.
What do I have?
Just loneliness and a need to see you.
I know we will spend time
Together, and time apart.
I just wish it was
More of the latter
And almost none of the former.

But I know you need your life
And I have to create mine.
But I've isolated myself
In my mind

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.
I wish you knew this solitude

Don't
Give up
On
Your life.

Time heals all wounds.
You can move on from anything.
What doesn't **** you, makes you stronger.

It's all cliches and proverbs
But honestly
Life does get better.
Just be willing to give it time.