normal girls don't cry over songs and normal girls don't get in trouble with the law
lovable girls don't always wear a frown upon their face and lovable girls don't make their skin sometimes bleed
normal girls don't hardly ever speak and normal girls don't whittle away in self-deprecating poetry
lovable girls don't ***** their mouth with poison sticks and lovable girls don't die every day because you forgot to tell her that you love her today

i want to go lay down in a warm field of grass and not wake up
let my death be surrounded by the flowers and the sun
and the sweet scent of peace which reminds me i still remain here
my spirit says its ready to go, its ready to go home

some of us wait forever for 'better'
it has been promised to us so many times like a sweet, sweet lie
just hold on longer,
a little bit longer
(you can't get better if you don't want to)
do you know how badly i want to?
but i can't sit here and wait forever for 'better'
i don't have forever
i'm racing the clock for the day when i will no longer be afraid
when i give up on 'better'

then i will truly be better

in life, i think of you
in passing, i think of you
in death, i think of you

You have this pain
It's written all over your face
In invisible ink
So that no one can see
But why then can I see it?
Why me?
I need to tell you something
I can see your face
I'll sit here and talk all night
Until the lines begin to fade
And they quit hiding your smile
There it is
I am sorry, stranger eyes
I must go
I cannot erase all of it
I hope I gave you a start in the very least
Please believe there are others like me that can read your invisible ink

i didn't forget about you
i made you quiet
i made you entirely mine
inside of my head
where you stayed
for as long as i wanted you to

it's been years
i didn't forget
i made you quiet

he was violet violence in her eyes
and she was cyan sadness in his
the two tried to mesh
but their colors couldn't blend

i exist
or did you forget?

you smoke too much
you drink too much
you cry too much
you laugh too much
you forget too much

but sometimes
you need a night
where you do everything
too much

i loved you
because you loved me
but that isn't even
all of it
you were so special to me
you were, you were
i'm not sure why
but you were

because i know that when i crawl into bed beside you as sleep soundly takes over you, the warmth that i feel with my body pressed against yours feels like home, and i know that this is where i want to be for forever
by your side, the warmth, the love, i know i can find nowhere else

do you feel
my
hollow loneliness
screaming at you
from across
the world?

that indication should have been enough
for me to know not to get involved
you said you are leaving if i ever cut
i've already been through this before
i've played this same ******* game
the overwhelming fear attached to it
if i happen to lose control one night
and the next morning,
you are gone from my sight

because who would ever love a girl who cuts herself?

missing someone
and being unable to do
a single thing about it

your head is a very deep well
let me swim
let me drown

if you stop writing about the bad stuff
if you stop talking about it -
then does it cease to exist?
does it blur away
within the haze
that you are trying to be lost in?

she said she was dead and took a bullet to her head
no one believed her because she had been crying wolf for far too long
the years that droned on and on, and she kept playing the same old song
eventually all care and warmth left
and she was left to fend for all of these monsters by herself instead
they never realized how much worse it had became
it's been five years she said, and i'm through trying to play this game

not allowed to speak
silence has become me
because they all never care
about what i think
or how i am hurting
i'm nothing special
we all hurt
but mine is encasing me lately
it's too hard to get out of bed
i need to just get over this
but i can't find a way to

i know,
we all hurt
yet just for once
can i be heard?

You gave a lot of meaning to me. I can’t ever forget that.

i like how we try to depict pain into something beautiful as if we can try to convince ourselves that it isn’t as aching as it seems, when really it is all just so unbearable and a dark mess, i don’t much find anything beautiful about lying on the couch at 2am wanting to sleep but being unable to because you can’t quit crying and you try writing with trembling fingers about this pain so hopefully it makes more sense, but it just makes you realize how much more agonizing it really is, i am not sure if it actually helps to mend anything by beautifying it.

the only issue
to being highly perceptive to pain
is being perceptive to everyone else's

your body is dead cold
but in my mind
it is warm and alive

but why when you are a ghost
does no one seem to know?
much less notice, offer a glance
when all you crave
is one word
that you still exist
because lost inside of yourself
it's difficult to see that there is any worth

i want your head space
in my bed space
i want your warmth
against these cold pillows
fingers intertwined against sheets
passing moments
buried in sleep

tossed you out of my mind tonight
you no longer exist
within any parameter or neuron
and i am trying to be okay with that

someday, i will read back on all of this. all of the conversations, the words, the hate and spitefulness, the desperate and longing love, the hurt and forgiveness, and then,
all of this now too, entirely existent emptiness, because,
you are no longer here
and i, we, are now shell encased, bitter, loving memories

i don't have anyone
i have nothing, and i am no one
i have no face
i possess no voice
i feel the silence that is so unsettling
yet comforting
i am alone and there is no door
i sit and disintegrate
until i return to the earth as my bones

am i doing this right?
is this how love is supposed to feel?

i saw your face
through stained glass window
making it appear
more beautiful than it actually is
i saw your cold dead, ghost hand
frozen to the bone
bleach white, veins popping blue
an electric map i could trace
but i don't want you anymore
i drowned your face, dark ink
as toxic as you made me

i want people to love me
but i don't want to have to be dead

and when you said goodbye
it felt like the entire world had died

i don't know what you want me to say
it is rain in my head and sorrow in my veins
and if all you can do is to look away,
i understand, i have grown accustomed to it being this way

because i'm supposed to be good?
i'm not allowed to have any fun?
i'm supposed to remain within these lines?
never stepping even a toe out?
how then can i truly live?
because see, i'm already dead
i need to find a semblance of what it feels to be alive
i am not a bad person
i am just a sad person

i don't know
how i feel about you
anymore
i just know
that when i am drunk
i am on the phone
telling you
i love you,
still

got out of bed
made a friend
a walk down the street
it was only me

i don't want to leave
but you're giving me no choice

breathe deep
knee-high kick me
rattle my bones
swell my skin
let blood drip
bury me into concrete
to see if i can still feel
to see if i am still alive
destroy me
beat me
let's see
let's see ....
is there a heart still beating?

And I keep going back and forth inside my head
Of all the things you said and did
And I wonder if this is what I want again?
Am I just setting myself up for more hurt?
When all I ever wanted from you was tenderness and honesty
But you can't ignore who someone really is
I am blindsided and uncourageous
I want a you who is not you who could never be you the you I made up
The you I loved and love  
Now I understand that you were only ever a ghost
I can't touch I can't reach I can't hold

time ticking
the countdown of our love
the expiration date
the end of the book
the end of a good song
the end of you and i, and us

so if they come looking for my body
don't tell them where i hid it
and if they ask where i was last seen
don't tell them it was by the river
and if they ask what happened
tell them that it never even mattered

no love where there is no life
no soul where there is no heart
no compassion where there is no passion
no empathy where there is no sympathy

she wrote
so dark
there was
never any
light
between her
lines

he wrote
so sad
there was
never any
life
between his
lines

she wrote
one last time

he wrote
of suicide

when i came back home, home was no longer home
i was older and things had changed
me doing different things by the day
and everything felt familiar but strange
i was home but it was new
and i was alone when i have felt comfort being home
home did not change, i did
and all i wanted
was to go back
to 18 year old me
in her home surrounded by peace

i thought of how you used to walk me back home everyday from your place
because you wanted to spend every second that you could with me before i had to leave
i thought of how you would lay in my bed while i was showering, and trying to not let me dress as i smiled and swatted you away
i thought of how my mother was happy for me, that i had found somebody
now you're not allowed five feet within our building
i told you when we met that we were going to have a good summer, and i meant it
and we did, though amidst the sunshine there was some rain, yet we stayed, we stayed, because love always reigned
now i'm sitting outside in the dark, missing your lips and the way you held my body
how you are a fifteen minute walk away that i am no longer allowed to take
how the summer died and so did your love for me, though my love for you is still as warm as the summer sun
how badly i wanted to be laying in your bed still in the upcoming cold months
but now i am no longer welcome, and you only want your blankets or a new body to hold
while i lay dead cold and alone, reminiscing that we were good, yet you chose doubt over love, and let the bad times overshadow the good times once and for all

i'm having a break down in your bed
soaking up the sheets wet
with tears that burn at each and every lying word you spoke
you said you'd be here, well - then why am i alone?
i called you on your phone
you asked, why are you crying? quit sniffling, quit being sad!
(if it was that easy - believe me)
i couldn't tell you that i needed you
that lately my dark thoughts are becoming too strong
you asked me why i want to talk to you all of the time
and there was such irritation and anger laced within your voice
i choked back even more and whispered, i'm sorry, i'm sorry
ended the call that i knew you wouldn't return

i'm having a break down in your bed
wishing that i was dead
if you could please save me, before then?
but you have already left
and it is so selfish of me to ask
and i feel that it would be beautiful
to be needed like that
but i have never been needed,
i am always the needy
and i can keep saying sorry
but that doesn't change this urging feeling
that i need, i need - somebody

if people were love notes
none of us would be lonely anymore
if people bled passion
we would laugh at heartache

i was so worried about me being the one
hurting you
yet now the roles are reversed
and i'm the one crying on the floor
asking you, to not go
and you're so cold and confusing with the way you said "i love you" so soon
and how it scared me, yet gave me this sense of security
i asked you to stop saying it
you complied, as if it was so easy, as if you changed your mind
that loving me was something you couldn't actually do
and how i'm always the one saying, i'm sorry
and i'm the one watching your back in the fear of you leaving
how did everything become so messy?
i thought for once, i was going to be doing the heartbreaking
but it isn't so
you're the one with hands around my throat
watching me choke
and then you'll go
and i will be the one, again and again, with a heart broke

i love everyone who is bad for me
and i know it, but i don't pull away
i suppose i'm a ******* for this never ending cycle of self-destruction
i cannot fathom kindness

it's a fine tuesday afternoon,
and you sit inside locked within your room
the sun burns and the voices hurt,
though you are craving human touch
yet the only things touching your skin is this bottle of wine and your cigarettes to your lips

i knew that i was in love when it broke my heart to see you hurt
i knew that i was in love when it killed me inside to watch you waste away your life
i know that i am in love with you,
because love still remains
despite all of your bad parts