I want to remove you,
but I don't know how.
Things you say to me
tend to leave me feeling down.

You make me feel guilty
for things I shouldnt be.
but you make me happy
through the worst of things.

When I look into the past
and think of all we've been through
the good and the bad,
I feel mad.

I don't know what to expect
when starting new friendships
because ours has always been toxic.
Will you understand when I let you go?

The only anagram that I can't stand to read
is one that was just between you and me
the nag a ram was simple and meant a million things
at least it did to me
At times I wonder if it meant half of those things to you.

Maybe in an alternate universe
we could be together in person...
Sitting; standing right next to
e a c h o t h e r .

I'm always missing you
I swear to god I'll never stop waiting
for that day to arrive...
The day where we'll stand side by side.

As far back as I can see
I've always had a question,
"Whats wrong with me?"

I can't connect with my sisters,
or with my mom or dad,
My face, to them, only ever looks sad.

I want to say maybe this wasn't always the case,
Maybe before I can remember,
There was something that changed?

I don't know what shifted,
What made me so different
I just know I felt unwanted often.

Dear dad,

From you I learned that anger was scary.
You never expressed it in a way that wasn't frightening.
Anger was always directed at someone or something,
You often voiced threats and I could only nod along because I was so afraid.

Ever since the day you burned the bridge we made,
The string that kept me full of hope; burned and faded away,
I'd lie to myself for a long time,
I protected you my whole life.

Because of you, I don't know how to feel mad.
It rarely happens but when it does,
It's usually directed at myself.
Because I don't want to scare or hurt anyone else.

I can't use my voice when I'm angry
I cry and step away,
Or wait until I get to my car to scream
as I drive home and feel hateful.

I hate my anger...
I feel disappointed
I'll never tell you but
I wish you had done better.

I'm getting hyped up on caffiene
and ignoring my problems just
kind of trying to forget about
everything that has happened
and everything that will.

I'm tired of feeling neglected
and turning my head away-
pretending that what you've
been saying hasn't made me
want to just set mysef on fire
and ignore my true desires.

I'm sick of running up into
my bedroom to escape inside
of my virtual worlds to ignore
the lectures my parents have
been screaming to me.

I'm so fed up with the fights
my best friend and I get into
they're pointless and make
me want to turn away but
I truly cannot because she
means too much to me.

I'm saddened and physically
effected by the way I think
and feel about myself. I'm
pretty sure if everyone
somewhat enhanced the way
they acted towards me I'd
simply crack. Shatter. Fall
to the floor in my own tears.
Because I do not deserve
such greatness nor do I
deserve the hate that I've
been recieving.

But maybe they'd be better off
if that were to happen, they
wouldn't have me around to
complain and dump my feelings
everywhere from the drain that
is my mind

The only person that I really
want to stay around for is
someone who I really adore
he is everything to me and
more, in fact I dream about
him a lot which is just lovely
like the smile that he shows
to me in pictures that I hope
will sooner or later become
mine, his, our reality.
He's amazing.

It's been a day or maybe a few,
That I haven't heard from you.
It's not exactly depressing yet,
But I know I'll cry soon, and get-
Cold sweats.

It's not like you'd care,
You don't give a ****.
I'm just sort of there,
To you, I'm throwing a fit.

And you say I have no right to.
Well what did you expect me to do-
When you're telling people such hyperbole?
Your mispresentations have flustered me.

I've never met someone so treacherous.
I trusted you and you put on a display,
Which I must say was completely impetuous.
Where did you come up with such nonsense?

I guess I never meant anything to you,
I feel like I was just a fill in for others.
Others whom you actually befriended,
Or maybe they're just like me.

Discovering that you're really a bully.
An emotionally abusive person.

Well it looks like I'm back in Hell
trapped within the walls that they
say I should be call-ing my home
but no, this place isn't a home to me
no where with you can ever be.

I'm glad that you're happy
but sad that I'm not
I just can't stop thinking
about how we fought

For months we've gone
without talking at all
but this time I'm afraid
it'll be years or longer.

At least we won't be somber
because together we're a storm
not a beautiful one either
we're a hurricane
destroying everything
that's in our path,
because we can

We're not good together.
But I can never remember
for whatever reason
I will always want you back.

An apology isn't an explanation
It took me until now to get it.
It's upsetting how blind I am
to my own hypocrisy.

I've always wanted acceptance
and felt it was an essential need,
I'd break down each time
My parents couldn't apologize

They'd bring up excuse after excuse,
"It's my belief," "I'm not wrong," "this is my side..."
I hated them for this
But had my own way of doing the same thing.

Does this mean I'm the narcissist?
I'm the selfish, arrogant. awful person
I saw reflecting back at me
Through my family?

These thoughts creep up on me again and again,
They make me want to crawl under a rock,
Become dust and eventually drift away
at least in the wind I could change.

He appears tough, he stands tall.
But truly, underneath it all,
He's sympathetic, vulnerable.
I can't believe myself for being so horrible.

It's true that I love him,
With my heart and soul.
But's it's somewhat-
Overwhelming.

My space I feel is shifting.
I can't tell if it's a good thing.
I want him close, near by.
However, I feel scared inside.

Will he think I'm too lazy?
What if in reality I appear pudgy.
Sure, he says he doesn't mind.
I'll just be his tubby for life.

Which I kinda like,
But still.

These insecurities.
They drown me.
Very slowly,
They're suffocating.

Please God, is it too much to ask for?
Just for once, to enjoy being loved.
I want him to pick me up in an embrace!
For ***** sake, can't I just, take off these weights...

I've hurt him.
I have nothing else to say.

The arguments are so agitating.
Why can't you just love me unconditionally?
Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
We are family, aren't we?

You say you pick me
but what do you mean?
Am I really the one who
makes your heart scream?
I sure as hell want to be
but I'm not sure if you
**u n d e r s t a n d .

I don't want to sleep without you anymore
too many times I've looked to my phone
in the middle of the night, longing for your
presence; I want to inhale your essence
let me hold you in my arms and explain
how often I picture us touching.
Lets close in the distance and
become one human; individual
no more waiting for us.
If you let me try again
I swear I won't mess up..
Just let me look over and
see the timer on my skype
slowly going up, telling me
that our call is still intact
I don't want to leave your
heart cracked..
Please tell me that you're
still there....

Life is spinning around and around, things keep circling around and around, we all are moving like a whirlpool swooshing in our feelings until we thrash through enough to feel better.. but it just repeats and repeats.

False and insincere...
is this how I've come off to you for so long?
It makes sense considering everything I've done
I hate myself for being that way, and putting you through those things.

I go to turn off my phone - leave me alone;
I see your text - and I know what's coming next
You come over, call me your lover; we get under the covers

Why is it that I'm feeling so smothered?
Didn't we once love eachother?
I suppose it must've been lust
The tears that I've shed
May turn me to rust.

I'd love to wake up
As a strum in the air
From one lonely girl's song
about how much she cared

She'd appear melancholic
On the side of a road,
Well not exactly the road
She's in a field off on her own

She strums and sings
Letting the wind take away
Every memory and pain
She's experienced throughout
Her days

"I'll run away,
So far you won't see where
My footsteps end- I'll take a train
To the ocean and fly so high"

She makes you feel something inside
You try to meet her in the middle
But didn't realize just how tall the field would be,
so you follow her somber melody

You find the key to her guitar case,
She left it behind, but left no trace
Of which way she went
You still hear her humming

But sit instead and that is why,
She got up and left.

Once upon a time,
there was a girl
she hated herself,
and she hated the world

She was so sad, so often.
She never knew what to do,
with all of her emotions.

She hurt herself and was hurt by others
and eventually just hid herself away...

Then one day,
she met a boy.
A tall boy, through a screen
who filled her with joy.

He opened up her heart,
and made her smile
At least for a little while.

Things were good for her,
outside of her dreams.

There were ups and downs
and turns and tosses
she messed up a time or two,
because she was being stupid.

But things got better,
and things became more clear...
He held her close,
and shattered all her fears.

The girl is now content,
and feels happy often
because of this boy,
her pain was forgotten.

*Maybe someday she'll finish this story.

I didn't ask to be born.
Did I give you permission to have me?
I'm just not cut out for this, really...
I think about suicide constantly
Everyday I question my sanity
Am I okay? Stop starring at me!
You're only worsening my anxiety
They saw me crying.
I don't want them to think that I'm attention-seeking
Because I'm not:
I just have a lot of ****** up thoughts.
One day I'm calm and the next I feel forgot-
Ten: they told me when I grew up I'd be that number
Not someone who's chubby and refuses to go to slumber, part-ies
They were just never for me
But don't get me wrong I tried to participate
Just no one ever really included me unless it was a one-on-one standing
I get it, I'm a fill in.
That's always been my role
Someone who's just there
For when others couldn't be.
That's me.
The girl I'll hit up tomorrow because my other friend is busy
On a new note I'm about to be 18
My parents could kick me
out or disown me
Send me on my way
As if they never had known me
I'll eventually be on my own
That's the point of this right?
To witness someone's life and
Then toss them aside but say
That you'll be there until the end of time?
Right?
Wrong
I always feel that way when
I'm singing this song
Titled: strife
It makes me not want to go on
But it remains
Always in my veins
It tells me to stay
On the worst of days
It triggers me hard
I just want to go away
Just let me already
Why must I stay steady
Can't you tell I'm not sturdy
And just want to yell
At everybody
I'm in tears already
As I pull the cord on this bag
Helium fills my lungs
I no longer feel sad
I laugh continuously
As I'm  being poisoned
I'm mad; crazy
I forgot to write a note
Don't hate me
You all knew me in the past
For a time being
You had your chances with me
There was no right or wrong
I was just always singing a different song
So don't feel bad for my no longer going on
I was never meant to be here
Please. Stay strong.

Sinking...
deep into the dark blue ocean.
I see myself slowly disappearing.
When the waters become this unclear,
when I feel scared, you're my Atolla.
My georgeous light in this sea of darkness.

Spider
Screams
Desperate
Dreams
Dead
Spider
Sad
Girl
Typing legs
Crawling words
Laying
Fan; starring
Irritated
Life's complicated
Music
No
Carpet; stains
Goodbye

Fall can be hard for me,
I remember school years at this time.
Back when things were hard yet simple
and my mind was more kind.

I remember a swinging boat
and colorful flashing lights,
A space ship spinning us round and round,
and feeling so happy inside.

I also have silly memories, but
the one I made them with is gone.
When I remember the hallway giggles
I run. I hide. I sob.

Things at home back then were hard,
My dad was rarely around.
My sisters would bring home friends to keep-
My mom never handled this well.

Our house would be full and I, alone
I'd find my peace in forums and games,
Chatting with men who I thought liked me,
My heart back then was full of hope.

As I grew and moved around,
I found I never really understood myself.
Why do tears bubble up so often?
I freeze, I fawn and forget but don't move on.

Autumn is beautiful but brings up so much.
I miss people I don't know anymore
or have the privilege of seeing
and I'm left to wonder if I ever knew them truly.

I watch the array of leaves change and fall
And wish to be one of them.
I could fall from a branch,
But be picked up in the wind, only to live again.

Golden leaves are bright
I love the hue of the sky
Fall brings me so much joy
Even I enjoy autumn nights

My favorite movie's playing
My dog is by my feet
I'm surrounded in a popcorn blanket
and can laugh genuinely

Sometimes I wish I could share this
But for the first time in a while
I feel happy alone with my dog
Drinking hot chocolate with the window open

I'm warm and flustered...

Crawling in my skin
cringe, cringe, cringe-
it's a meme you dip!

*AyY **** bye!

When I try to write poetry these days,
I feel tone deaf with the words I choose in some ways.
"How should I word this,
If I say that will readers catch on,
will he catch on?"
It makes me want to stop.

When I go back
and listen from beginning to end
every song I listened to back then,
I feel so sad.

Remembering all that I did,  
back when I was feeling hopeless.

He's the best,
The silliest.
He's an idiot,
The stupidist.

I know right?
For real tho.
You're lying.
You don't know.

Because he's perfect.
In every single way.
But I'd never say it.
Not to his face.

Not because I'm shy,
Not because I'm afraid.
But because I know inside,
He doesn't feel the same.

So I'll keep this smile right on my face.
Call him a baka, just like any other day.

I've been scratched and pinched and bruised
but none of those things came from you.

I still long to go to California,
I want to see that place.
The jellyfish filled space in Monterey
I want to touch the tank's glass
and see the sea nettles up close.
I want to be there
and know that I'm home.

I play one more game before deciding to logout.
I lay in my bed with a book and tune out.
After finding a good place to stop,
I roll over to my back and see your letters from the corner of my eye.
I can't help but look over and read
*"for my homeboy"

The lights are dim,
Smoke is filling the room
He sits and watches this cowboy show
And I am writing this poem with wet hair.

Wow, I never thought I'd see jack from titanic in a cowboy hat.

Shhh, quiet down.
I hate those sounds,
That escape your mouth.
Keep them locked inside.
I'm begging for silence,
From the monsters around me.
Please stop thinking.
I can't stand the words.
That are filling my ears.
They're truly my fears.
You've caused them to be.

As I look back at old words I wrote, waiting for things to download, I shiver. Remembering things that occurred and how I once felt, I feel bigger. Not so bitter, like I had felt before... because now I'm more aware of who I am. I'm no longer surrounded by ridiculousness. I can't lie, that's a big part of this. The change in my environment has helped a lot. I can breathe here without always having to look behind me, and I can't describe how great of a feeling that is. I can only hope you'll understand it. I wouldn't wish my old life on anyone. Not even the ones who caused me so much pain. It's all in the past now anyways...

I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.

I'll be nineteen soon,
then twenty...
I wonder how far
I'll have come by then.

That age isn't so far away,
what's so special about it?
Nothing.
It's a number that signifies how far I've come.

That's about it.

I open my door to the icy cold,
Look up at the moon to see it's no longer full.
I start my walk and notice the ground glitters
It's kind of funny, how black ice likes to shimmer

It wasn't shimmering when I was drifting earlier
Although the thrill and dodge made me shiver,
Invisibility never caused me to quiver
All it gifted me was loneliness and shelter

Does the ice feel the same kind of chill
As it wraps the world in a frozen thrill?
Beneath its glimmer, secrets are concealed,
A dance with shadows, as the moonlight spills.

Some people think I'm dramatic,
"She's gotta be fibbing-"
I'm not sure why people won't take me seriously
I'm always "too sensitive," never impressive

They wonder why I choose to hide,
Stay inside and never visit
Because they don't accept who I am.
They throw me in the family box for misfits.

.

Please don't hate me
if I lose you
I'll go crazy
you're my everything
don't you know that?
how could you not..?
Everything we've shared
was it all in my thoughts?!

my phone pings
and as I pick it up
I see your messages,
blurred, but there.
my eyes shut
as I think to myself,

*I'm having trouble
falling asleep...