I
I need to write
Why?
Because I'm still awake
And everything feels fake.
I'm stuck in my fantasies
Unable to figure out reality
I can't seem to sleep,
I'm waiting for the rest I seek.
I am trapped in my mind
It's as though my soul has been signed.
To whom I do not know,
I only know that to dreamland I do not go.
I am stuck
Seemingly out of luck
True is false, false is true
Moon is day, Sun is night
Sky is down, Earth is up
Me is I, but I? am not me.
I write
For I cannot dream.
I scream
For I cannot shut my eyes, I am forced to see.
Why am I not fatigued?
I was tired only a moment ago,
When did that leave?
Why is my sleepiness low?
What is missing that causes me to stay awake?
What ails me so that the road to sleep I cannot take?
I know not.
I simply write,
And hope that reality is not fake.

My head is red
My eyes have pain
I've been drinking *** from dusk till dawn
Will I wake up in the morning?
The sky exploded in a blinding light
Stopping what would have become a fight.
A man I'd known from a time back when
Shook his head when he downed number 10.
Away, away, away we go.
Where will we end up?
Nobody knows.
We'll cross the seas
And collect our fees
Singing all the way through
Drinking our *** and having our fun while singing a dancing tune.
We'll dance a jig
And take a swig
Surrounded by jewels and ***.
Away, away, away we go
Where will we end up?
Nobody knows.
But away, away, away we go
Drinking our *** and having our fun.
Where will we end up?
Not even we know.

What is this feeling?
Is this, something new?
What is this feeling?
I'm singing a strange tune.
What is this feeling?
That's taking over me,
It works unseen.

What is this feeling?
That rattles my bones
What is this feeling?
Like the warm embrace of home
What is this feeling?
That's teaching me somehow
Why am I learning this, right now?

What is this feeling?
That brings me to life
What is this feeling?
Like a burning hot knife.
It stabs into me,
But I can feel no pain.
At least, not now.

What is this feeling?
With its magical math
What is this feeling?
It's forging its own path
What is this feeling?
Why doesn't 1+1= 2,
Anymore?
What is this feeling?
My mind is ablaze.
What is this feeling?
I'm getting the shakes.

What did I eat?
Am I high?
Up in the sky?
Or did I leap
Into the waters
Unknown
To me.
What is this feeling?
I'm plunged in cold water
What is this feeling?

My adrenalines high,
My minds in the sky,
I'm not coming down,
I don't think I know how.

What is this feeling?
Like wolves of wind trampling through grass.
Unseen, and unheard, but still known.
What new path is being shown?
What is this feeling?
This ambrosia to be
What is this feeling?
It's liquid gold to me.

What is this feeling?
My heart is aghast
What is this feeling?
Im getting up oh so fast
What is this feeling?
After a moment just like that,
My head is swinging
Like an acrobat.

And like a cheetah
Chasing a gazelle,
My heart is racing.
What a tale this will be to tell,
Someday soon.
What is this feeling?
I've been struck by a harpoon,
Being reeled out of the sea.
Do you see?

In just a moment,
Something's happened to me.
I could swear I saw a divine
In their eyes.
For just a fleeting moment,
I saw my opponent.
In this game,
And an arrow took its aim.

What is this feeling?
Propelling me forward.
All that I know is,
They aren't running to the door.
And for a moment
This feeling makes me complete,
It tastes so sweet.
Like candy to my heart and soul,
Will I achieve my goal?

Where is this hope from?
What has this feeling done to me,
How do I plea?
When my heart is set.
Pulling its strings
I'm just the marionette
Following its commands,
Holding out my hand.
And they seem glad.

What is this feeling?
It came roaring like thunder.
What is this feeling?
I'm being pulled right under.
What is this feeling?
After just a moments look...

Is that all, it took?
To make me fall.
A fleeting moment,
Became an eternity to me
Words flowing out of my heart that I don't understand.

Even if it's to end in tragedy
That fleeting moment,
And the feeling that soared through my soul,
As two pairs of eyes met,
Becoming half of a whole.
This feeling,
Meant everything to me.

They ask if I bleed
I do not want to answer
It's the wrong body

An illusion in the mind
Twisting and turning through time
Endless hunt
Surroundings repeat, seemingly stuck in a rut
Running, running, running
This beast is too cunning
No tracks, no scent, no way to find where it hides
In the darkness it lies
Waiting for just the right time...
When will it strike?
There's nothing to do but wait,
Let a few tears roll down in angst.
Aside from that just run until you go insane...
For the Beast, it calls your name.

Why am I nostalgic,
For something that hasn't even occurred?
Why am I worried I'll lose you
But yet I won't even say a word.

Am I Caesar, and you my Brute?
Will you, whom I love
Deliver to me that devastating blow?
That ultimate betrayal of a stab in attack

"Es tu, Brute?"
As I begin to waver, quake, and fall.
I breath heavily, but I will not bawl.
I will hold my head high and collapse when I can no longer stand tall.
Knowing it is you who has made that call.

If you asked
I would never leave your side
Forever following,
By only your command, would I abide
Your faithful servant, your loyal slave
Your obedient puppy, whose path you pave
Whose life you save

Ask whatever you wish
I will hold no secrets from you
My solemn flower whose life blossoms by pale light of the darkened moon.
In your solitude, I offer up my servitude
I bask in your backwards beauty
and exquisitely aromatic scent

If you said
"Devote your life solely to me"
I would silently agree with no alternative pleas.
"Stand by my side through the Dark in the Night,
And stay by my side through the Light in the Sky."
I would gladly abide.

Who am I to go against your every Will, Whim, and Wish?
You, whose very whimsical whisper and sweetened shout I longingly miss.
I will blindly follow any and all commands
For you who delicately intertwines fingers or desperately grasps hands.
Lightly gracing me with your attention or violently demanding my affection.

Regardless of which path you travel down
I love it all
With you I feel safe and sound
I will gladly take and give

It is after all my job to obey
No matter what it is you say.

"Get me food."
Gladly
"Be my shade."
Gladly
"Help me with work."
Gladly
"Stop hanging out with them."
Gladly.
"Tell me you love me."
Gladly.
"Fight them for me."
Gladly.
"Hurt yourself for me."
Gladly.
"**** for me."
Gladly.
"Live for me."
Gladly
. . .
"Die."
Gladly.

Why must I do this
It hurts in body and mind
Why is this my life

Empty
Eyes wide open, but refuse to see.
Why not a smile?
In it I can taste the bile.
Why not tears?
Or saying cheers?
You would watch me. Make sure I'm safe and sound.
But my eyes are hollow underground.
The surface shows what I decide
But underneath, I am me, hollow. But I have already lied.
Can you take back something you aren't truly sorry for?
Or will those same demons come back, begging for more?
No. DEMANDING for it
And I just watch, while I idly sit.
I always thought myself a fighter.
But you can't burn a match without a lighter.
Here I am in the crowd
Watching from the upside down.
Feeling a presence but how to communicate
Or by the time I say something, will it be too late?
Just a hollow look, portraying a hollow soul.
If no one wants me to follow them, perhaps I won't fall down a rabbit hole.
I'd rather be seen as empty and hollow
Than be used and abused by those I know.
I may be empty to the world
But am I truly empty to me?

Perhaps I'd like to run away
Perhaps it's worth a try
Perhaps I'd like to dig a hole
And end up in another time.
A brand new name.
A second birth.
A new beginning,
In a different world.
To try again,
To make things right.
To trust in others,
To help the needy.
To always be selfless,
To always be there.
Ready to serve.
A friend to all nature,
No matter the cost.
To bring forth the truth,
Of how we all should act.
To care about the place we live in,
Instead of selfish facts.
To lend a helping hand,
Instead of stabbing backs.
The world we know has come corrupt
With people who won't change.
So one day at a time,
One smile a day,
Let's turn the world around.

"The instructor said:
              Go home and write
               a page tonight.
              And let that page come out of you-
              Then, it will be true. " -Theme for English B by Langston Hughes

Ten minutes.
Is that all it takes?
To pour a piece of my soul,
Onto this page?

If it were up to the schooling system,
I could write and write and write.
But not a word of it would be True.
Not a word of it would be me.
Not a shard of my soul would be seen.

If given the chance I could write for hours
Page after page
Verse after verse
No need to stop or slow down
I know that my own Voice, I have already found.

I could talk about the love, the hurt
Anything others wanted to hear.
Or I could write about absolutely nothing.
Does writing about nothing count as something?
If the words on the page mean nothing to me,
Should I still be congratulated on the "good" work that they see?

My eyes are dead as I am praised for the work I forgot I wrote.
Because I didn't mean a single note.
This sometimes makes school simple.
If I say what they want to hear,
Then I pass and move to the next class,
While graduation grows near.

But what if I lose my Voice?
As so many others have.
I think that I would go mad.

Ah, it would seem my time is up.
Tell me then,
Was ten minutes enough?
Did I place a piece of my soul in this poem?
Or did it mean nothing to me,
As so much of our educational writing does.

The world is moving
Watch as it speeds along
Singing it's favorite song
Rollerblading past
Houses, families, stores all fly by so fast
Spinning round and round
Whistling to the sound of the town
Down alleyways, past street signs, racing cars
Slipping between bars
Left, right, hop, spin, slide, repeat
Everyone else catching up with the beat
Dancing across the globe
Lights shining,
Illuminating the halls where everyone is gliding
Slip and sliding across the floor
Watch them all soar
Smiles dancing around faces
Nodding heads to the bases.
With another
With each other
With yourself
Ecstatic as an elf
Calm and cool
Or a dancing fool
Do the jig and the jag
Disco and tag
Sprinkler or twerking
Whatever you wanna be working
Cha cha cha down avenues and lanes
Who cares if you all look insane
Following the beat of the world
Rollerblading, biking, dancing, running, skating, walking, strolling along
Whistling the same old tune, humming to the comforting song
Wrapping yourselves up in love
Lost in the sea of doves
Holding hands,
Making plans
Watch what you can be and what you can do
Join us, you're already there, look at you already singing to the tune
Your own words in our intermingling song.
Mixing and changing syllables as you come along
Hear the music in your heart
Share your art, come play your part
Grab an outstretched hand
Wiggle your toes in the sand
Shop for hours
Climb up towers
Sing like a dove
Close your eyes fall in love
Dance wherever
Never say never
Read upside down
Sightsee in your own town
Follow your hearts desires
Until your body tires.
Then take a rest
And wake up to leave the nest
To be yourself
Better than anyone else.
Welcome to the tune
Come with us over seas and trees and dunes.
Don't just watch and wait
Join in on making fate.
Follow the tune
You'll make your fate soon
Come along
Sing a song
Moving and grooving
Dancing and prancing
Chasing after our dreams
No matter how silly it seems
Aha! There! See them flow?
C'mon, it's off we go!!

I’ll accept you
If you accept me
If you can endure my stories and scars
And reach through the bars.

You are not alone
In loving with your whole.

Scars in my opinion are beautiful
Not something to be hidden, but something to behold.
Scars have turned a person into who they are today
And without them a person would never be the same.

Everyone has insecurities
That form their personality
Their fears and what bring them to tears
Their mind and what makes them kind
Their heart and what pulls them apart
Individuality
Is what i find most endearing.

So tell me,
All your stories theories and your favorite series.
I’d genuinely like to know
What drives you, what IS your soul?

Complicated?
Differences that make you not like the rest?
I personally think people like that are the best.
Those who have gone through life
And have survived their fights.

I read something someone wrote today
It shocked me so much i nearly melted away.
What a lucky guy i thought to myself
To have someone appreciate them for being themselves.
To enjoy reading their writing
And want to know more about what drives them.
I don’t know if they were talking about me
Because i could just be wanting to be seen.
I couldn’t help but think about their questions
What my answers would be
If it was me who could satiate their curiosity?
I am into girls
But I am not in a relationship
I can be very overbearing and clingy
But I’m simply being me.
My favorite color?
Well i suppose I’m just as indecisive as any other
I enjoy dark shades of blue, purple, and red.
Oh wait! Does black or grey count as a color instead?
Coffee or tea? Hmm let’s see.
I really hope this wouldn’t be a deal breaker
For I’m not particularly into either flavor.
I’m a bit of a soda addict you see,
I love the caffeination and carbonation.
I may be a bit extreme.
But i suppose i can say that for almost all of me

It's difficult to bare my soul
To let you know the things
That I let no one know

It's difficult to say the words
That I wish so dearly to have you hear
And not knowing how you'll respond
I've developed a fear

Slowly ever so slowly I try to let go
I try to say the things I feel
To let you know
That I care that I'm here that I miss you
Too much

But I sound pathetic
To my own ears
And I want nothing more than
To shut up

But once I start
I can't seem to stop
The words fight to escape
And I'm left feeling lost

I'm trapped in a daze
Lost in a maze
How can I tell you
How much you mean

If I can't bear to see
Or hear what you'd say
Why can't I tell you
And why does it hurt

If I say nothing it threatens come out
It wants to be heard
And I don't doubt
It would gladly escape
At just the wrong moment
And ruin my happiness
And all that we have

If I say something
It hurts just to hear
The words sound pathetic
And I feel so cruel
To myself and I say
The things I fear
How will you react
Did you even hear?

You don't always,
You don't always respond
And that makes me more lost
I don't know
What to say
Or what that means
But it hurts
And this pain
...
It wants to be seen

How do I bare my soul
To another
Even though I know
That we could very well leave each other

What keeps me going
What keeps me here
Why do I feel this way
When you do not?
You are nervous sure
But you say you feel different
Like suddenly you believe in love
And the things that come with it

And I
I feel the same
But I've always believed
And I've know this would be difficult
But this?
A past me, would not believe.

This wreck I am becoming
This crushing weight of me
Of you
Of us?
What does this all mean
When I want to say
The things that dash around my brain

But
You
Don't
Always
Hear.

And I bare my soul
In just one moment
I just let go
And there it is
Left out
In the open

But you
You didn't hear...
And I know
I can't bring myself to repeat.
The words I spoke
Are words I would never say
Words that escaped through some hole
In my soul
And found a way

Word *****
One might think
But something I hide
Is what I think

I want to say what I said
Again
But
What you would say
Leaves me in internal pain
To no end

I couldn't do it
I couldn't repeat
I couldn't bare my soul
I had to miss that beat.

I can't
I don't know why
I trust you with so many things
And I do
I care
And I know that you
Mean so much to me

But I'm afraid
Of too many things
I'm still unsure
Of how to be me.
And how can I bare my existence to you
If I can't even do that
For me?

And I know this poem
Isn't over
It's just not finished yet
But I can't seem to
Find the words
To be able to say
The things that truly
Want to escape

How do I talk to you?
How do I stop hiding
How do I unlock my cage
How do I let these things so sacred
Escape?

And what?
Find their way to you?
You, the unknown?
You, the unsure variable
The confusing algebraic equation
The one I could spend hours working on
Slaving away
Paper and pen
Still not knowing
How to solve or what to say.

How will you react
When you realize what I am
Who I am
I've told you things before
Things no one knows.
But yet
...
To fully bare my soul?

To say the things
I've locked away
The things kept from prying eyes
The things I hide from MYSELF?

I want to say it all.
And it's terrifying
Because what
What will you say?
What will you do??
What if I lose you???

I should shut up
I know it
So I will
I'm sorry

I'm going to snap
I'm going to break
I'm going to blow up
And end this place
My palace of lies
Will come crumbling down
The cracks are already
Easily found
Big and small
With jagged edges
Much like the heart
That keeps on begging

What do I,
Or it even want?
This is too long
I'm stuck in a rut
...
Sorry
That is the end.

But why am I still so frustrated!!!
Why is my heart mind and soul still filled with this hatred!!
Why do I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart?!?!
Why do I feel so broken, like a shattered work of art
....
Why can't I shed a single tear
And I sit here
And everything is so unclear
...
And I want to say I'm sorry
But I don't know how to say
It or anything else
And this has grown too long
And my feelings are too ****** difficult to overcome
And I need to just let go.
But I can't until you know.

So I'll say it
Or rather send it
And I don't know how you'll react
And I'm terrified
Like a trapped rat
But I'll do it
And I'll see where it leads

I'm not one for trust falls
I've always caught myself just a hair before
Stumble and save myself
Because what if they aren't there?
Because they don't need me anymore

And what if they is you and you are them
And they are the world and you are my world
And everything is lie
And I'm still ******* trapped in my never-ending mind!
....
But I'll try
I'll let myself attempt
I'll turn my back
And hope that you
Won't be the Brutus to my Caesar.
That the words "es tu brute?"
Won't escape my lips

And hope
That I will fall
And that you will catch me
And that it will be okay
Because I will trust you
Even through my own anxiety.

Let us smile for it is a joyous day!!
One to be proud of,
One that states hey!
One from beginning to end
Was filled with good friends.
Cheers and laughter!
Love and hope.
One with no worry!
...
But is it a hoax?
Does the truth hide behind some sort of a veil?
Or is it there in the open,
Making us pale.
Do we figure it out...
Or pretend we don't doubt?

Casually not okay
I mean granted you’re allowed to say anything you say.
Yeah i know I’m not perfect I’m not preferred
And I’ll be honest it’s expected so it’s not like it actually hurts.
I’m not tall enough, I’m not strong enough.
Which makes dating pretty tough and rough.
Short guys get the short end of the stick
Fitting isn’t it?
I should work out more i should eat better.
Would that mean i could go get her?
She’s out of my league to begin with
And me, stealing her heart? That’s a myth.
I’m the one she’s interested in,
But I’m not the one she really likes.

The only thing they're good at
Is running away.
Twisting and turning on a narrow, dirt path.
Weaving past the pale barren trees.
Breathing heavily turns to panting like a dog.
The frigid air suffocating their lungs
Squeezing them like a python
But they cannot stop.
Further and further from warmth
The snow gets deeper, sinking like quick sand.
Their legs are numb and they can't feel their face.
But they're not with you.
They stumble, their legs stuck, and hear a snap.
The sound cuts through the cold, thick silence
Their eyes seem to water, but they can't be sure.
If so then they've frozen, unable to form any tears.
They trudge forward, crawling, their head barely reaching the top of the snow.
Their eyes shut tight, iced over like a rink
They want to call out but their Voice will not let them.
Subconscious too stubborn to let others know.
Reaching forward grasping at empty air,
Their lungs nearing empty,
Tilt their head to the sky.
A word escapes their lips through a puff of white air.
Small, weak, and frail
Sounding like broken glass.
An utterance of help,
Could it be their last?

You have no clue
How upset i was when i couldn’t see you.
“Poor connection” was what it said,
An “utterly unfair annoyance” is what i read.

Your music tastes are amazing
And if I’m being honest, i love hearing you sing.
That sounded a little weird, i wont deny.
But it’s true, so there’s no need to lie.

I’d love to listen to music with you
Or we could just lose ourselves in conversation too.

I know I live across the states,
But I hope to see you someday.

I have
No Right
To apologize
But even so
I’m sorry.

Crinkling pages
Students murmur through silence
Welcome back to hell

Some friends save your life while ending it
The pain without them would be unbearable.
But they are the cigarette you can’t help but hit.
With them, the pain is still terrible.
And it’d be easier to let it go
But a life without addiction is a life you’d rather not know.
And while they slowly **** you inside
You still find ways to defend them, even with flat out lies.
Wanting to leave them behind
But a better life is too difficult to find.
So you stay with this pain
Though you have nothing to gain.
Unable to recite your pain to the inflictors
For fear of them locking you behind door.
A repressed memory
Is all you feel you’ll ever be.

Would it be better
If I screamed and cried?
Would it be better
If I tried to die?
Would that be right?

I don't know
What it is you want
"I want what's best for you"
I don't know what I want

Have I told you I might want
To join the military
I'm not sure what division
But I want to fight on my countries side

But when the law was passed
You, with relief, comically said
Guess you can't run off and join
The military

It was one of the
First times you actually
Liked me for being a boy

You are not accepting
No matter what you say
You deal with me
And care only when necessary
You don't want to lose me
So you attempt to accept me
But you do not truly care for me

I worry what you would think
If I told you I
Dont believe in a god
Or a heaven
Or a hell
I have a more Buddhist type of beliefs

I haven't believed in a god
For awhile now
But I haven't told you
Because it doesn't matter
I don't see why it should affect us
The same way
Me being your son
Should affect
Our relationship

You need therapy
You can't fix yourself
You can't fix your anger
Or your hatred
Because it's stemmed from somewhere
So deep inside of you
That you can't remove it
You've let it grow for so long
That you need help to
Uproot it

This has turned into a rant
But I don't feel bad about that
Because you never let me get
A single word in
I deserve someone on my side
Dad has said
If it comes down to it
He would pick you over us
Because he can lose us
But not you

So no matter what you say
In a conversation
He is always 100% on your side
He will never be on mine
Not even a little bit
Because you are who matters to him
I do not
And I wonder
Do you refuse
To have a mediator
Because then you might lose

Either way you lose
You lose an argument
And make a compromise
Or you lose me
And that's it you dont get a compromise
You wouldn't deserve one

I'm sorry,
I'm so sorry.
I wasn't thinking again
I didn't mean to hurt you!

I wanted exactly the opposite!
I just wanted you to be happy...
Why does nothing ever work like i think it should?!

I don't want to hurt you,
I don't want to argue with you
I just want you to be happy,
Even if your happiness doesn't include me.

But when i try to leave
To make sure i'm not in the way
We always end up fighting.
Or arguing.
Or ignoring.

And it always makes me feel like crying.

I don't want to play the victim card,
Because i'm not the victim.

I get jealous, but i won't admit it.
I want your attention all the time.
But that's not okay.
I get frustrated.
I feel threatened.

I don't want to lose you to anyone.
And that clouds my judgement sometimes.

I can be such a ******* **** sometimes.
I read over our old messages and i look at things i've said.
I wish i could go back in time and slap myself.

I feel hurt because i feel threatened.
So my first thought is to run away from or hurt you?
What kind of idiot thinks that way?!

I don't want to leave you like everyone else has
But i've left people so many times it just seems like an automatic reaction.
And i want to change that,
I don’t want to be “that” guy forever.

Especially not to you,
To the one i care about.
If anyone deserves an apology
It’s you.

I can’t bear to hurt you, but i don’t know how to stop
So instead i just talk and talk and talk
Where are the actions?
I wish I knew
I’m all bark no bite

What kind of man does that make me?
Am I man or am i mouse?
Mouse without a doubt.
But you are worth so much more than this rat that i am
You deserve someone strong,
Man or woman.
You deserve someone who can protect you
And love you
And help you
And support you
And make you laugh and smile
When you feel like you can’t

I honestly don’t think that I’m that.
And it upsets me
And i get jealous
And i feel threatened
Because all around me that i see
Are people trying to come between you and me.

But I’m backing off
I’m letting this drop
I’m leaving you be
So you can go fly free
And I’m apologizing
Because it’s all you respond to
It’s all i can do.

So it’s all i will do.
I wasn’t taught anything else.
So I’ll do this and hope it helps.

Have you ever wondered why we're here?
Have you ever wondered what's the purpose of it all?
Well someone's told you
And they'll tell you again
It's just happiness.
Some people say religion
And that's a reason to move forward.
Some say reincarnation
And that's a reason to look back.
But what about now?
What's the reason for now?
Some people say it's nothing
But I don't think that's true.
That means that we've done everything
There's nothing left to prove.
And I assure you,
That can't be true
Cuz we're not perfect.
We still make mistakes
Whether big or small,
Good or bad
We still make them. Still create them.
And we still change
Everyday we grow
Old and new alike
But if the purpose is just happiness,
Then why aren't we free?
Why do we run around just playing house,
Not always smiling in our sleep?
How can that be?
Is it just one persons choice,
Or is it something more?
Why do we strive for greatness,
When we should strive for something more?
Society itself, the world, and all of its inhabitants
Work together to find a cure for this quite strange panic.
Helping those who've never known a real true kind of smile.
Those slammimg doors and building walls to hide from us all.
The ones you've never known
The ones who've never shown
That they know happiness.
Well we've told them
And we'll tell them again
Don't be scared of happiness
It won't **** you
It won't hurt you at all
So stop fighting happiness.
It'll help you along when the day gets you down.
It'll push back against the walls trying to make sure you're not found.
Cut the ropes whose final goal is to keep you forever bound
That's not how we want to live.
See, they've told you once before
But they'll tell you once again
It's just happiness.

It’s time for me to disappear
I’ve overstayed my place i fear.
It’s time to once again recluse
Rather than tying a noose.
It was lovely while it lasted
But the pain is started to imbed
So I’ll leave instead.
Hide within myself again
The way that it’s always been.
I’ll put on a fake little smile
No one will catch on, at least for awhile.

It’s like I’m on fire.
A human torch, or rather, a lighter.
Flame shoots from my lips and fingertips.
Burning those around me to a crisp.
At first the flame is only warm,
Until it starts licking around the torn.
Growing brighter and heavier,
The flame forces all other senses into a dull blur.
Don’t help me,
You’re only providing more fuel.
You’re no savior, you’re just a fool.
I am Flame. I am Smoke.
The syllables i speak will burn and make you choke.

I am violent and angry
Not even I can truly tame me
I am the rage
It consumes me
Eating away, unseen
Tearing me apart, ripping to shreds
Even if it's all just a part of my head
It can't be contained
I try, but am pained.
Sparks fly till fire ignites
Like a phoneix in flight.
Eyes glaring, heat from the gaze melting every person in sight.
And yet there you are
While everyone else has run away so far.
You glare back
One look, it's not even an attack.
It's just a look
And I'm shook.
And I can't seem to shake the feeling.
My tough exterior is peeling
While my mind is reeling
Taken aback from what I've done
I quietly realize that it was I who was holding the gun
And then I'm done.
I'm kneeling in the ashes
Hands blackened
The flames I shot out
I've finally realized my actions.
Cuz you showed me.
With nothing more than a look,
That was all that it took.
In my shame, I build up the courage to look
And it's you.
And you stare?
Your eyes forgiving
Yet, unspokenly, I am dared
Contain the flames
My guilt, it gives me pangs
But you reach for me, and grab my hand.
The skin is soft like fine sand.
You extinguish the flames
You smile, as if playing with fire is one of your favorite games.
I hold your hand and refuse to let go
I don't want the flames to grow.
For some reason you let me, knowing something I don't know.

I know how it feels
To look in the mirror and get chills,
Not the good kind
The ones that consume your mind.

I know what it’s like to look at scars.
My heart and my arms are marred.
And the mirror
Brings about tears.

And it hurts
When the pain sticks to you like damp dirt.
And you can’t love the things you used to
Because this feeling is taking over you.

But that’s why it’s important not to fake a smile.
And why you need to be honest once in awhile.
I get it, when the hurt gets too much.
I escape, try to find me in a crowd and I’ll duck.

I avoid.
And it’s an active choice.
But I’ve learned it doesn’t change anything.
And I’d rather know and see someone’s demons
Than see a fake smile, even if it’s bright as the sun.

Are you talking about me?
Do you want me to leave?


...
I , umm,
I wanted to stay.
And i dont know why i didnt say,
The things i meant to.

Online relationships are hard, i know.
So it’s okay to leave before the show.
I thought I could see you
And i thought you could see me too.

I’m sorry i didnt mean to hurt you.
I didnt want to.
I know saying sorry won’t fix it
But I’d rather do that than just sit.

I never meant to make it seem like i expected a smile.
I didn’t mean for you to have to fake happiness
I wanted to be the place where you could talk, confess.

I wanted to know who you are truly
Not who everyone believes you to be.
But if you want me to go,
Then I’ll respect it, i suppose.
It’s not what i want
But I don’t want to be one more place where you put up a front.

I'm sorry
I'm not trying to leave
I'm not trying to avoid you
That's not what I want
I swear

But how do I stop myself?
No
No I won't say that
No that's annoying
No that's upsetting
I won't say that because then it will be true

I will try to stay
I want to more than anything
You were there for me when
I felt alone
Very very alone
When I couldn't look at myself
You were there
Not anyone from before

But you have to admit
We are different people.
Not that there is a problem with that
It's to be expected though
That we fight
And we argue sometimes
That's normal for friends
I guess.
Or so I've seen and been told

You are both a year older than me
I am immature and stupid and young
I am not on your level
I will never be there with you
I am always one step behind you

Not to mention that I am an addition to your friendship.
I was not there to begin with
I missed everything that you two went through
I'm not as close
I'm easy to remove
I matter less

But it makes sense.
I'm not hurt because it's expected
I'm sorry it seems like I'm just ranting now
But over the summer I started to care less
In a way
By care less I don't mean avoid you
I mean I stopped enjoying the over the top teasing
I didn't like it as much

It started to hurt
But I didn't want to say anything
Even though I should have.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to say something
I don't want us to fight

Sometimes you say you're joking
But I worry that you're not
I get frustrated sometimes
I lash out
When I shouldn't.
And that's not fair
And I'm sorry

But sorry isn't always enough
And I'm trying
To fix it
But I'm not very good at it
I am always wrong after all.

Do you remember the goldfish joke?
The snack that smiles back
Goldfish :)
It's been awhile since we've joked about that
Sorry I don't really know where that came from
I'm not really sure where any of this is coming from
I'm just kind of writing

Does it count as a poem
If it's not rhyming?
I mean I think so
But I don't really know

I'm sorry I've been distant.
I'm sorry I **** at writing poetry
I write stuff like this
So I can get out my emotions
It's stupid I know
I want to fix it
But I don't want to hurt anyone
I don't want to argue

When you joke around
Sometimes you mean it
And sometimes something is really hurting you
But how do I know what it is
If you won't tell me how you feel?
I'm sorry
I don't want to hurt you
I don't mean to hurt you
But that doesn't mean I don't hurt you
And saying sorry must be like
Putting a band aid on a chopped off limb.
I'm stupid
A lot of the time

This poem is getting really long
But it just doesn't feel finished yet
I keep thinking about the tone in your voice
When I say things I don't mean
I don't want to lose you!
I don't want to see that hurt look in your eyes!
But how do I fix this!
What do I do?!

You say it's okay
I have responsibilities now that I'm dating someone
But you're not being truthful
And you're hurting
At least I think
Maybe I'm wrong
I could be wrong
Maybe I'm the only one who is upset

But I feel like we need to talk
About something
About this thing
So that we don't
Fall apart
Because that's not what I want

I'm not sure what else to say.
I think I might just end it here
The poem that is
Not our friendship
Or this conversation
Just the poem
Because I'm not done
Talking about this
And as long as you let me
I want to and will be your friend.

I think that's it.
I'll end it here
On this verse.

Sometimes i know that in my poetry
I cant copy the lyrics i see
That as the sweet melodies wisp around my ear
I can never recreate the notes i hear.

As a poet i feel inferior
And it shakes me to my very core
But as a listener i feel superior
Because the themes are unlike any I’ve heard before

And i wish I could play more instruments
Because mine don’t always cut it
Sometimes i cant peel back that layer of reality
To see who I’m supposed to be.

Iron bars
Endless stars
Crying all alone
Wondering who to phone
Just wanting to go home
What is home
I’m not sure I’ve ever known
Believe in yourself
But that’s impossible without help
My everything is a mess
Maybe i should just be all alone
***** this imaginary home
I speak to the silence
Teter-tottering on this fence
Following the shadow in the light
Focusing on the dark
...
It's all i like.

I want to fly.
I want to use a gun to die

I wonder how free a butterfly feels?
I’m sick of all these repulsive ideals

Do you ever wonder why the sky is blue?
I want to slice my scars until they are brand new

I like my black and brown shoes, Vans is my favorite brand.
I’m not sure whether my funeral would be small or grand

I love drawing, I’m not very good at it yet though.
I can’t look in the mirror for fear of seeing my greatest foe

I love small cuddly soft things, i own so many teddy bears and i love them all.
I wonder if anyone can hear me when i scream and slide down to the floor in a ball

I like smiley faces, there’s so many different ones, each with their own charm.
My favorite is the one i just carved into my arm

The night sky is best when covered in stars.
My deltoid looks better covered in my blood and scars

I want to be happy, body mind and soul
I don’t know how to be happy, or how to be whole.

It’s not about you
I promise that much is true.
I know you want to help me
But i cant be helped or saved you see

I confide In you
When I’m feeling blue.
Because i know you always make me feel better
You take away the hurt.

But when i hurt myself
It’s not because you failed to bring me back to health
It’s because I’m not sane
In helping me, there is little satisfaction to gain.

I promise youre helping
Though i know i make you feel like you’ve failed.
I make you want to bail.
Trust me i know, that’s what I’m always telling me.

You make me happy
When i feel so ******* ******.
That’s talent right there,
And it’s slowly changing me, but nothing is fair.

I know, i know
You take one step forward, i take two back.
I know you’re not going to attack,
I want to reach out to you
But my inner hatred declared you foe.

And i dont mean to hurt you
When i do the things I do
I know it’s frustrating not being able to force me to stop
You feel like my depression will always be on top.

And maybe you’re right,
Maybe I’m unfixable
Maybe I’ll never see the light
Maybe my anti self worth takes too much of a toll.

So maybe it is all useless,
Maybe I’m just some ****** up mess
And you’re trying to fix this
Any advance you make is dismissed.

So im sorry
Im not exactly a good victim
All i know is how to keep committing this single sin.
Maybe you should just go.
Because saving me is really not gonna be worth it, ya know?

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I tumbled down
Onto the ground.

“Onto the ground?”
Onto the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident

It was an accident
My finger slipped
So the knife tumbled down.
“Onto the ground?”
Onto the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I threw myself down on the ground.
Wait no-
It was an accident
My finger slipped
I fell down to the ground.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident

It was an accident
My finger slipped
As i bled out on the ground
Staring at my phone not moving around.
Wait no-
It was an accident
My finger slipped
My phone was far away.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My finger slipped
I forgot to lock the door
“You forgot to lock the door?”
I forgot to lock the door.
But i also forgot to push you away more.

It was an accident
“An accident?”
An accident.

It was an accident
My slinger flipped
....
It was an accident
My flipped slinger
.....
It wasn’t an accident
“I know.”
I’m sorry it wasn’t an accident.
“I knew your finger didn’t slip.”
I’m sorry i lied about it being an accident
“It’s okay
You just didn’t know what to say.”

My finger slipped
But it wasn’t an accident.

I stare out the window of my usual spot
Sitting here at jack, thinking for naught
In about two years i will have graduated.
Excluded from this world with which i have Become infatuated.

It’ll all be over.
And these are the best years of your life
What will i say i did, or learned?
How many important things will come to mind?

I sit Here alone now.
Suddenly feeling so alone
Both at school and home.
What happened to the dramatic final bow?

Will i feel This alone the rest of my life?
Will it ever change
Or will it always stay the same.
I feel Like I’ve been stabbed with a knife.

My future that I’ve looked forward to for so long
Only a trace, a taste, the rest is gone.
Time seems to move too fast.
Or maybe I’m just stuck in a trance.

16 years come and gone.
To do it all over again, my soul yearns and longs.
But i can Only admit I’ve done this to myself
My hiding away on the high up shelf.

I left When i got Attached,
Being able to stay is something I lack.
So yes i am Alone,
Both at school and at home.

But I’ve brought this upon myself
So I’ll deal with this hell in and of itself.

Your voice spools like satin
Do you know that you sound amazingly attractive?
Syllables curling around my ears
Speaking words you find dear.

My heart flutters lightly
If you were here my blush would be unsightly.
Yet it’s not ****** at all
Instead to sleep I’m lulled.

Just a chapter
If i was a cat i would gladly purr
Curled up with you
Stealing your warmth to escape the gloom.

You’re busy reading out loud to me
The stars in my eyes go unseen
The scenes in my head
So much more vivid than if i had read instead.

I want to read with you
To fall asleep to your voices serene tune
Cuddle myself safe within entangled limbs
Through the sea of soft syllables i swim

The words twirl down from your lips
An ambrosia i happily sip
I lose myself in your voice
But i refuse to leave you, my smartest choice.

I cant stay by you
I’m an extrovert but this, i cant do.
My personality should allow me to
But yet still I’m off a bit, I’m something new.

The longer i stay here
The more i can feel the tears
Are they going to stream down my face?
But when it comes to holding back, I’m an ace.

When it comes to hiding things
I can jump through all the hoops, and all the rings.
I can easily put up a face if i want
And you won’t be able to find anything no matter how much you hunt.

My goal is to leave
I know it makes everyone seethe.
‘Course that only helps me
You’re encouraging my behavior without being able to see.

But you deserve it
Because you make my head ring
In my head it sits.
Waiting for the bell to go “ding ding ding”

I cant keep fighting these demons
It’s not worth it for some fun.
I half want to stay and i half don’t
Because no matter how much i love you,
These demons are making me choke.

The Savior

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her birthing day
Her heart had almost stopped
Her lungs breathed almost not
And Death carried her throughout the hospital that day.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her fifth birthday
Pig tails up
She’d gotten stuck
In the branches of their tree,
Hanging with the leaves
She would choke before she would land
And Death had cradled her within his hands.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On her fourth grade field trip
They’d hiked up a mountain
Some kids pushed her down and
Tumbling she hit her head and broke bones.
Death had pulled her close and whispered she needed to go home.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
The summer after freshman year
She’d gone swimming down by the pier
When she’d cramped underwater
And her lungs were unsure
Death had hoisted her ashore.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
A fortnight before her 21st birthday
She’d gone to a party, people were all getting laid.
He’d given her a drink
Soon after she’d thrown up in the sink.
He seemed awful sweet
Pulling her into the room to lie down.
Until he started pulling her pants down
She wanted to scream but he covered her mouth
Instead of screams she squeaked like a mouse.
He pulled out a knife
Threatened her life
And had his way with her.
Pressing the knife against her throat
She soon began to gasp and choke.
Death comforted her until it was all over.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
On Christmas Eve
Just turned 25
She was dead inside.
That boy from before
Who called her a *****
Had been calling her his
She’d cried every night begging for future bliss.
That night he’d burst in
Drunk and full of sin
Throwing her down to the floor
She begged for no more
And he called her a *****
Before throwing her out into the snow
Death pulled her out from sinking below.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
While working inside
Someone drove by
Everyone was tongue tied
As they shot right through the glass
Bullets flying past.
She felt it before she saw it
She knew she’d been hit
Ironically by a .30
She begged to live she still had things to do and say
Death had blocked the bullet that day.

There once was a girl
Who visited Death
6 months after 35
Working up until midnight
Furiously typing away
Someone snuck around wanting to play
Just escaped prison
Wanting some fun
Knock out then knock up
But she had her luck
And attacked till he couldn’t move
She’d started to push and shove
But he took the gun
And shot her in the stomach
Hoping she’d bleed out
She ran till she collapsed to the ground
Death stayed until she was found

The Spectator

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Watched him close that kittens eyes
As it let out its final mew and he let out a sigh.
Cradling it’s soul in the palm of his hand
He sent it on it’s way, to it’s promised land.
She worried about her life
In her 40th year and her 40th night
Was she going to die?
A far fetched idea
But then how could she see Death within the crowd of people?
She turned back again
But Death had disappeared to the oblivion.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Hold her sisters hand.
So in her final moments she wouldn’t be sad.
She felt sorrow in his eyes
As he glanced away to the side.
She watched as he drained her life
And sent her to her afterlife.
Her sister was 10 years older
And at 55 her sisters life was over.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
On her 50th birthday
She wasn’t sure if she should be happy or scared
But at least someone remembered, someone cared
She stood there gazing at the gift
50 dried up roses laying in the mist.
She gathered them together
And put them in a vase on her dresser.

There once was a girl
Who saw Death
Walking around a graveyard
As though he was a guard.
Protecting each of those who had passed
Appalled at what he had amassed.
At 55
She realized death wasn’t stealing lives.

The Speaker

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
5 years after she’d forgiven him
The sun had begun to descend and dim
She posed a question
“Do you come here often?”
He replied “Only with the one i love.”

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
Being 65 was hard
She was scarred and marred and starred
“Does everyone look like this at my age?”
“Only the ones who love instead of hate.”

There once was a girl
Who spoke to Death
“Do you know when I’m going to die?”
“You mean when you’ll say goodbye?
70 is just an illusion in your mind.
But yes, would you like to know?”
“No I’d rather leave it alone.
I’ll just live to the fullest each day.”
“I figured that’s what you were going to say.”

There was once a girl
Who spoke to Death
“I turned 75 today.”
“I know, you complained it was too bright so i made the Sun go away.”
“How long do i have left?”
His response was swift and deft
“That depends on if you live it to the fullest.”

The Survivor

There once was a girl
Who fell in love with Death
He had helped her
Whenever she began to hurt.
He brought her gifts
When her heart was amiss.
At 80 she realized
That for decades she had agonized.
When her love was right there
Brushing her hair.
She reached up and grabbed his bony fingers
She spoke softly but the words still lingered.

The Stagnant

There once was a girl
Who Death was in love with
He’d been there for her whole life
Harming any who gave her strife.
She was what he looked forward to
When he was feeling hated for what he had to do.
So when she turned 85
He had no reason to lie.
He told her calmly and clearly
That he held her very dearly.
And that today was the day she’d pass
But he would wait, so the day would last
But when time came, he held her tight
Knowing she wouldn’t put up a fight.
In her last fleeting moments he told her a secret
Because he knew he no longer had to keep it.
And so, softly he whispered in her ear
The very same words she’d meant for him to hear.

I brought you here
to say some words
cuz it's time for me to admit
that I'll be here
that I still care
cuz I won't leave you alone
At least not here
At least not now
No
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
Yeah
I'm sorry that
it took so long
For me to say
how I feel
I know it's wrong
To stay hidden
But what was I to say
What was I to do
This is all sort of new
But I need you here
Right by my side
Don't leave me girl
Cuz I need to say
Hey
That I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
Wanna hold your hand
When you're feeling sad
Wanna make you smile
Wanna stay awhile
With you
If you want me to
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
So what do ya say
Wanna sail away
To a far off land
To hold my hand
To share your smile
To stay awhile
With me
Baby
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
I like you
Do you like me
Like like me
Not just a phase
Do you like me
I'll be here
I'll be there
Anywhere for you
If you want me to
Cuz I like you
Like like you
Not platonic feelings
No
I like you
Like like you
Yeah
I like you

Let me be me.
Trust my judgement even if you don't know what it means
Believe that I am trying
Explaining how I feel is a lot harder than lying.
I am afraid.
I am scared with every word I say
But not because of I'm unsure who I am at the end of the day.
I know who I am. What I'm afraid of is that our relationship will fade.
It's hard for both of us,
All I'm asking for is a little bit of trust
I know you don't want to give it because I've lied.
I know you feel like your daughter has died
But I know that your son is alive.
He's not asking for help, he just wants support
You can't get a her out of him no matter what you try to extort.
I've always been a people pleaser, who said I didn't act that way for you?
I don't like upsetting people, this trait is not new.
I know you think I am too young
But I am sure as the rising sun
I may not know everything, but at least I know this
So draw your arrow and aim your bow
But if you shoot be sure not to miss
Because when it comes to this, I will not just roll over and lie low.

little boy blue
blow your horn
don't regret being born
play your tune
you'll find love soon
and not be afraid anymore
little boy blue
don't be so sad
life doesn't always have to be so bad
just blow your horn
while sitting in a field of corn
little boy blue
your other colors will come soon.