I'm breaking and can feel my cracks Expanding and loudening with every snap Emotional turmoil and feeling delusional Will I be jumping off the plank soon? Will I be tempted to pick up metal again? Will I try to escape from all the pain With that chilling bright pink and red? I can't go back down there again Down the endless pit my mind constructs Every now and again to put me in my place I've been so happy, been feeling so full I've had him for support until he leaves Then I become an inanimate vessel For a breaking, shattering mind My body feels tender and pathetic I had so many plans for productivity Excitement for senior year, Getting my **** together, finally Tossing and turning Anxieties are rushing Shooting pains so numbing Woke up to find splotches of bloodstains A whole *** massacre on my bed
It was my ******* period. No wonder I'm so constipated
I'm actually still waiting for it to come lol... any day now.
Everlasting sentinel of forever keeper of time lie with me in the forest sometime let the droplets of memory **** the nerves of my consciousness along with the many summer songs and midnight rains therein everlasting lover of infinity timeless and prime sigh with me in a melodic mime dampen my senses denude my mind free me from the utopian paradise of realistic sham everlasting master of moments endless and divine eternal immortal celestial
You first showed up when I was ten. I knew who you were but I didn’t want to know you. I’d read about you in books. Forbidden books. How could I explain to my mother that I already knew your name? I expected you later and I hated you already.
You provided me with the key to a secret club A place of shame and disgrace. I wasn’t allowed to talk about you. A pact of silence between members
Mother said you might make me feel unwell That was an understatement. Iron spikes drove through my insides Steel bars wrapped around me Spears ****** down my legs. All I knew was pain A white-hot, blank-space hurt filling every crevice of my body.
Do you remember that time on the climbing frame with friends? I should have been a carefree child but I was dragging a heavy, aching body across the bars. Or that time I collapsed at school Head down on the desk, my body could give no more The school nurse accusing me of faking it. Telling me you weren’t that bad. A good friend, really.
Or how about the time you showed up at work. Made your presence known to everyone It was described as careless destruction of corporate property Leaving me humiliated, wages docked to pay for the chair you destroyed. My inability to control you, a professional failure. And the other club members offered no sympathy.
You were my constant companion of misery I didn’t dare attend that party, go on that trip, take that promotion… You were always waiting around a corner. And so I withdrew It became just you and I. As you wanted. Defeated. You had won.
Twenty-two years, I suffered in your grip Twenty-two years of screaming into pillows; body and mind dissolving into agony But I found a way back. Suppressed you with chemicals. I finally discovered me without you. The person I was supposed to be.
Ten years I have lived without you Ten years of rebuilding my life, relationships and career. I never realised how much control you had Until that time that I was free. I emerged. From a sea of despair. Head now above the deep darkness I can breathe.