How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

How does one decide
Between
Being alive
Out of spite
Or giving in
To rest

When the world
Seems so against you
Should you just give in?
Or should you keep on fighting
And find a way
To win

The world will keep on turning
But you should keep turning too?

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

With someone's life
Laying in your hands
How do you decide
What is right

If they choose wrong
Do you choose for them?
Do you choose what they want
Or what you feel you need?

No matter what you pick,
Will you still feel guilty?

How does one
Make the choice
Between
Suffering and death

When everyone says
I'm here for you
But no one really means it
Where do you turn

Are you okay?
Starts to anger you
How does life go on?
When you go through
What you go through

How do you make those choices
How do you decide
How do you know what is right
Or what to do

What if you loved someone who was
Across oceans and seas
As far away as far can be.

Would you still be able to write them prose?
If you can’t touch their fingers or toes or nose?

If you had to describe yourself
To someone you’ve never met,
And may very well never meet,
Could you be honest about what you see?

Would you give an accurate description
Or end up writing a piece of fiction?

Would you send the photo of you dressed to your best?
Or the one after you’ve finished a difficult test?

Would you feel obligated to impress
Or figure that your worst is probably also your best.

Could you be honest with who you are?
Because they live so very very far?

Perhaps the reason of why we hide
Behind our many masks
Comes more from the inside
The hidden does not speak
The hidden does not feel
A mask can be bent and broken
Take the blunt force of your opponent
Meanwhile you are safe
Watching, waiting, just to see
Is it safe to come out,
Or will they hurt me?

it doesn't matter how smart I am
it doesn't matter that solve sudoku on the sand
it doesn't matter that the gears in my head turn constantly
it doesn't matter that I try to be as fair as I can be
it doesn't matter how hard I try
it doesn't matter that I know it's manly to cry
it doesn't matter that I have so many people who care about me
it doesn't matter that I need glasses to see
it doesn't matter that I go to the gym
it doesn't matter that I've technically never broken a limb
it doesn't matter that I've set up my life goals
it doesn't matter that I wear out my shoes until there's holes in the soles
it doesn't matter that I don't believe in a god
it doesn't matter that I don't know a guy named Todd
it doesn't matter that I like grapes
it doesn't matter that ripped paper gets taped
it doesn't matter if I'm in love
it doesn't matter that I saw a pretty dove
it doesn't matter that I got hit by a car
it doesn't matter that a 3 hour time difference seems far
nothing matters to you
nothing matters to sue
nothing matters to me
nothing matters so there's nothing to see
there is no outside as long as you are trying to get out
you want to find an exit but you will begin to doubt
they tell you it's there and that you just need to find it
but it's much easier to just sit
enjoy the fleeting moments of sanity
WARNING! they may or may not be filled with vanity
watch as your world is turned upside down
wonderland, you have found
yes Alice made it out
but she was young and knew not to pout
maybe we are all a little mad
that's why we're all a little sad
or stuck in our minds
chained up or restrained by binds
there is a door
somewhere past all the horror
but we cannot see it
we create the maze where we sit
we keep ourselves from the door
because to leave would truly take our sanity forevermore

When it’s midnight over there,
It’s nine here, it’s unfair.
And i wish I was there with you
To make you smile, and laugh too.

It’s frustrating indeed,
That you’re so **** far away from me.
You say you’d try to hold my hand,
While we listen to your (and now some of my) favorite bands.

By the time that you tried,
Our fingers would already be intertwined.
I know right now it’s just fantasy.
But i can talk to you so naturally.

And yeah it’ll be difficult,
And sometimes you might just want to bolt.
But if we really want this
Nothing can stop us, not even this distance.

The eyes are the window to the soul
Showing the emotions you can not explain, but still know.
Trying to decipher what it is that you see in those eyes
You could pretend not to care but those emotions are not just small lies.

The look was not expected but the tragedy was.
This was not what nature does
Matted fur and broken bones
Is their owner waiting for them to come home?
Lying on the side of the road all day
While the heat turned up and the sun slaved away
Open mouth, and god the eyes

The car must've come as a surprise. . .
Did they stop for even a second?
Was there any remorse? Did they even regret it?!
Did they look in their eyes . . . like I did.
Even hours after life was ripped from their body
The eyes were not empty and dead, but full of fright, aware of the unavailability to flee.
As if the soul was trapped, in shock and denial of the sudden tragedy.

Did I see the stars in their eyes?
The kind where you look up and question What, Why, When and Who you are?
Where you have your mid-life crisis in your teens.

Those eyes.
That soul.
I could feel the pain they felt, and the tragedy that they saw
But could not stop out of shock,
Were they expected to just put up a paw?
How is that not against the law.
Don't tell me that it's fair
Don't tell me that it's "just an animal"

You! look into it's eyes full of anguish and despair.
You! stare into the soul that is not yet aware.
You! see it's broken huddled mass of fur and bones and emotions unknown
And then try to tell me that it's fair.

Someone loved it, someone cared for it
How long with they be waiting for their buddy to come home?
How long before they lose all hope, not knowing who to phone.
You go tell them "it's just an animal"
Listen to what they have to say, then tell me you feel null.

You look into the owners eyes
And stare into their soul
And you will find the same despair you found in the eyes of that "just an animal"

It can blast your eardrums
Drowning out the world
It can play softly, whispering in your ear
Background music for your life as though it is a movie.
Sometimes feeling strong emotions
Sometimes feeling no emotion
The melodic tune that breezes through the air filling up the empty space
The dark empty tone that echoes as though silence goes for miles.
Tunes that some can't live without.
Tunes that others wish were gone.
Harsh, ecstatic, vexing, tranquil, depressing, joyful, angsty, serene.
Emotions felt through a beat.
The chirping of birds, the beating of drums, feet pounding on pavement, oceans hitting the shore.
Music can be found all over the earth
The beat of the city, the time in your head, music sung by artist, songs made up in showers instead.
Music fills the heart, pumps through the veins.
Pounding a beat of individuality
A gateway to the soul
To find out who you are.
The way you view the music,
The way you view the world.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry for being an idiot
I'm sorry for being rebellious
I'm sorry that I'm not who you have always thought I would be.

I'm sorry that was you see in me,
Is not what's true.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure
I'm sorry that I'm lazy
I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment.
And don't say I'm not,
You're not allowed to.
Not if you think these things in your head.
Even if it only happened once.
It counts.

You say these things in your head,
And I'm sorry that I have to tell you that they transfer into your words.
Your tone.
Your eyes.
You don't have to say it for it to be true.
You don't have to say anything ever.

So I'm sorry
I'm sorry I'm so rebellious and terrible.
I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you thought I would be.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry.
But have you noticed?

The more I say I'm sorry
The less true it is
And the less it means to you.

We've both taken too much time to say sorry.
BOTH of us.

Don't blame it all on me.
And I won't blame it all on you.
We are both at fault.

But it doesn't matter.
Because even if you DO read this,
You won't say anything.
We're both really good at going behind each other's backs.

I'm sorry I'll never be who you want.
But that's fine.
Fine to me. Your son.
Because I was never gonna be who you wanted anyway.

I’m sorry,
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I was going to
But I got stressed
And i got depressed
And i forgot.
I’m so sorry
Sorry won’t fix it i know.
I found things to love about you
I swear I did.
I thought you had left me though
I thought it was finished.
I dont deserve your time or another chance.
But
If i text you will you answer?

DONT YOU DARE SAY THAT
I KNOW THAT IT HURTS
AND YOURE UNDER ATTACK
I KNOW THAT YOUR MIND
WILL FILL YOU WITH LIES

I KNOW THAT PAIN
I TOO HAVE DRAGONS IVE SLAIN
WE TALK ALL THE TIME
YOU DONT NEED TO PRETEND THAT YOURE FINE

please
tell me about your demons
so i can understand them and help you beat them.
you don’t have to be alright
not in the day or the night.
you don’t have to put up this wall
every time that we call.

And you say
That I’m going to leave one day.
Or that there’s no way i can fall,
But I’m already enthralled.
I’d say “help I’ve fallen and i cant get up”
But that would imply i want to move
When really, I’m happy that I’ve fallen for you.

This can not be right
What is it they do not see
I know this is me

Lost in Paris,
But stuck here at home.
Envisioning the cobblestone streets,
Stopping at cafes to escape the heat.
Laughing and smiling in Paris.
The mental trip is a need,
Wanting to be
Lost in Paris.
But stuck here instead,
In Cali.

What light doth yonder window break?
It panes me; to stay and wait
Madness, Madness. Cold and Cruel
Leaving us all Jesters and Fools.

Insanity and Vanity
Our tools of trade.
Do you see what lovely little scars they make?

Perplexing and Vexing
A scattered picture makes.
For who can tell what is real, and what is fake.

Splattered and Slathered
The Mind unveils
Leaving all the ponder it's tales.
Who can tell truth from lie?
Who decides whether they live or die?
Judge, Jury, and Executioner alike
Have all seemingly gone on strike.

The Mind, a kaleidoscope of lies
Nicking and Picking
Fixating and Hating
Obsessing and Testing
Creating and Saving
Destroying, Deploying

Stop.

What Truth is lying within a lie?
That so encaptures and invests our Mind?
What is the difference between truth, fib, and lie?
Perhaps Songbird, Raven, and Vulture will suffice.

Stupidity.
What does it mean?
Is it when you lose your glasses and stumble around since you can't see?
Is it when you save all your homework for the Last Possible Second
Because work is a force you're not willing to reckon?
Is it when you try to ignore the feelings inside
Because confronting them is harder than making up a lie?
In that case, I must be a stupid boy.

You have tears? Well I have tissues
You want to talk? I understand, I also have some issues.
Bad times can always do a 180 flip
As long as you're willing to let your feelings slip.

Pain,
It's something I know that I face everyday
It's made me think that I'm insane.
It's made me force myself to have nothing to say.

Granted I've never seen you face-to-face
But from writing and chatting I'd like to think I have a pretty good base.
Maybe a little shaky because we only recently met
Getting to know someone's soul can take awhile,
But it's worth it, to see them smile.

Crying.
If I said I didn't do it, I'd be outright lying.
Sometimes emotions are overwhelming
And towards myself I end up yelling.
And I wonder what leads me to think this way,
How do I stop it? What do I do or say?

Invisible?
I often wonder if I'm fictional.
If my problems really exist
Or if I'm a quick doodle by some artist.

Sometimes trying
Starts with crying.
Would you write with a mechanical pencil
If it was all backed up?
And sometimes we need to be existential.
How else would we grow?
And learn the things we need to know?

Love may feel unobtainable
And you may feel barely durable.
But if you're going to whisper,
Then I'm going to shout.

I KNOW THAT IT'S EASIER TO DOUBT
AND TO BLUR IT ALL OUT
BUT I'D LIKE TO SAY HELLO
IN AN ATTEMPT TO SHOW
THAT I DO CARE
AND I'M WILLING TO LISTEN,
IF YOU'RE WILLING TO SHARE.

I have a red ribbon.
I like my red ribbon.
It’s tied in knots.
I’ve never been good at making bows.
It’s a nice color red.
It’s a pretty ribbon.

It’s my ribbon.
I don’t want to share my ribbon.
My ribbon keeps me safe.
My ribbon says “no don’t do that today.”
I listen to my ribbon.
My ribbon is hidden.
No one else knows it’s there.
But i know.
And my ribbon knows.
And that’s all who needs to know.

Someone might think it’s weird.
That i have my red ribbon.
And that my red ribbon has me.
But as long as i wear short sleeves no one should see.
My red ribbon goes across my red scars.
But my red scars are not pretty.
Not like my red ribbon.
I’d rather have my pretty red ribbon than my not-so-pretty red scars.

I like looking at my ribbon.
I like admiring it.
My red ribbon is all mine.
And it helps me to be good.
I always make sure my red ribbon is in the right place.
I don’t want anyone to see and take my red ribbon away from me.
My red ribbon and i like each other.
We keep each other semi-sane.

My red ribbon makes me calm.
It squeezes just enough to put my mind at ease,
Without actually hurting me.
It’s like a friendly squeeze.
That says “I’m all you need, and I’m here.”
And it makes me feel safe sane and sound.
Without my red ribbon I’d be lost until it was found.

I like my red ribbon.
My red ribbon looks like a pretty scar.
And it squeezes instead of stinging.
My red ribbon likes me.
I tie it up in cute little knots.
And give it a place to stay.
Instead of being forgotten in the trash.
I need my red ribbon.
My red ribbon needs me.

You make me wanna come home
After a long day, when my soul wants to roam.

You remind of lazy summer mornings
Curled up on the couch watching tv and adoring.
The way the yellow light seems to curl and seep through the blinds
While sweet fantasies entrance my mind.

Sprawled out
With no worries, no doubts.

I crave it's feel
The devil and I might even make a deal
To worship it, I kneel.
The smooth and cold steel
Enhances the danger it brings
As if a siren luring men to their death it sings.
Sharp and beautiful like a rose
Red colors blossoming and ******
Flowing down to the sink that it's flooding
The steel is red and dripping
My mind is slipping
I worship the steel that hurts me
But keep my scars hidden to the world, unseen
But after every slice and dice why am I still unhappy?
Perhaps because the steel that I love will never love me

I sit here, alone in my room
Contemplating the world,
And is my life gonna end soon?

Cause I know-
I know,
That there's something missing.
Something just out of reach,
Something that I can't keep.

They say,
"Out of sight,
Out of mind"
But I don't think that applies here!

Cause I know-
I know,
That there's something out there.
Just waiting for me,
Waiting to make me happy.

...
And I know
It's a stretch.
I'm a mess,
Inside.

I just need some hope.
Or else I might choke,
Underneath this constant pressure.
This tidal wave,
Pushing and pulling me under.

And I know-
I know,
This isn't the end.
And I'm sure that there's somethin'
Just 'round the bend.

But can I make it,
To the other side?
If I can't seem to get
Out of this life

...
Yeah I know-
I know,
That everyone's out there.
But it's hard to remember
That they still care.

...
I know that I'm di-fi-cult...
I know I can make people
Feel like they're useless!
I know all these things,
Cause in my head it rings...

DING DING DING!!!!
Game Start!
DING DING DING!!!!
Out hard.
DING DING DING!!!!
Don't try.
DING DING DING!!!!
You Died.

...
Do I put in another quarter?
Or do I just sit back in horror?
How many quarters is this gonna take?
I could play this game
For the rest of the ****...
Day.

...
Maybe it's better if I just,
Go away?
Maybe then I can,
Own to my mistakes?
Is that what it's
Gonna take?

I'm

Fake.

Look at all the people.
People just like me.
Look at the cites that are up to the stars type of full.
A-glow with their own universe of stars.
and love only compared to the embrace of two hearts.
and the strength of the animal trampling the one who grabs its horns. For they are but a red blanket in the eyes of the bull.
The cities that thrive and pulse with life, so much so that trying to take them down amounts to null.
But keep looking around, what other treasures could there be?
Do you see?
The grassy seas that roll and crash around our world
Look at the sparkles and stripes
Look at the lights
Look at the swirls of the sky
The paint mixing in with the setting sun
Look at all the different blue, orange, red, and purple dyes.
Seek the see-through walls of the surrounding metal boxes that weigh "so many" tons.
What do you see in the eyes of the people inside?
What are their secrets? What do they hide?
Are they agents or members of a cult or the so-called perfect family?
Watch them and your minds eye will begin to soar
Just from a little bit of staring past a car door.
Making them characters and you the creator of their stories
******* you through the vortex, forgetting all your worries
On the road
Heading to or from home
A smile snakes it's way onto your lips
From the worlds you can create when your mind un-zips.

I have an addiction
Oh how i wish it was a work of fiction
I cannot wait to feel my blade
Every time it touches my skin i feel saved.
Sweet bliss, until i am entranced
Twisting, turning, and weaving. Our dance.
We speak only to each other.
Not caring for any other.
Alone, but not alone, with our toxic love.

It makes me feel whole
When i am alone
And i have no home
And live in isolation
It is but a small trade, take and give some.

What is blood and pain,
When you want to be saved?
What sacrifice is too much
When all you want is to be loved.
Toxicity doesn’t matter
When you just want to stop getting sadder.

I CANT
I CANT STOP
THE BLADE
ITS TOO MUCH
THE BLOOD IS ALL AROUND ME
FALLING FALLING
DRENCHING THE GROUND
I NEED HELP
The liquid, it makes a repulsive sound.

AHHHHHHHHHH

ring around the rosie
pocket full of posey
raining raining
we all come back another day

Help meeeee
The insanity is CONTROLLING my brain!
I’m not sure if i already said this
But I’m going IIIINSAAAANEEEE
HA HA HA
I’m gone . . .
But not for long!!!

How can i truly be gone
When this pain just keeps c-c-c-cutting
me . . . off
HA the sky is full
But love is bull
And affection is null
While my mind i duel.

Obsession, Depression
Are wondrous traits.
One will bleed love
The other, hate

There i am, in the hellish hearts
Tortured in agony, becoming art.
Please just
. . .
Just leave me alone
. . .
Alone in the dark

Alone with my heart.

How shattered,
With blood splattered
Crimson on my skin, I’ve been slathered
Trying to put back the pieces that have been scattered.

Am i sane?
Am i still in control of my brain?

Sometimes i feel on charge, the leader.
Other times i feel weak
Looking through my eyes like windows, watching meekly.

Is music an escape?
From my pain?
Is it too late?
Have i lost my brain?

I just want to see the stars.

I don't want us to be stuck in our head
I don't want us to have nightmares on end
I don't want us to be afraid
I don't want us to always be worried about hate
I don't want us to have to hide
I don't want us to have to lie
I don't want us to be uncomfortable in our skin
Waiting one day for a new life to begin
I don't want to watch us cry
Because we had to add a new string to our web of lies
I want us to be happy
To live the life we want
To stop having someone else be what's in front
I want us to be what people see and know
Instead of someone else who is fake and just for show
I want us to find our smile
Instead of forcing one every once in awhile
I want us to be us
I don't want us to hide because we are afraid of those we should trust
I want us to talk to them
So we don't have to lie again and again
I know we're afraid of something we don't know will happen
But what if we got an unwelcoming reaction?
Should we tell the truth and suffer the pain our own personal hell might send?
Or should we lie again?

A little boy, he sits
Pondering the world
Outside, **** on the sidewalk
Upset, but without frowns.
Parents wandering somewhere in town.
Judging those who come across
When they themselves are truly lost.
They have no right to judge
No one can speak for the world while they still hold a grudge.
He sighs...does no one else understand.
He certainly can't explain using just his hands.
He wants to speak for the world
But is unable to form any words.

Have you ever been
Encaptured by the stars?

Have you ever wanted
To fly away to Mars?

Have you ever wanted
To exist in Outer Space?
But not to exist
Within our space.

Have you ever wanted
To fly up, up so high?
Because the high down on Earth
Is really just a lie.

Have you ever wanted
To land upon a Sun?
Though you know that you’d burn,
Before you got to touch one.

Have you ever wanted
To travel to a far away place?
Well, what farther is there
Than this vast land we call

“Space”

Red hot glory
Is what I see in the morning
Inner halo of angelic light
Or perhaps a phoenix in flight
Feathers ablaze
Leaving a trail of grass covered in a fiery glaze.
Dimly lit fingers beckoning out
Reaching toward those filled with self-doubt.
A shooting star
A landed wish to end the universal war?
Surrounded by its family
An asteroid belt that impacted softly in the soil upon landing?
A family of blazing light
And morning's glory
That's meant for soaring
The very inspiration for what the Sun's got
Looks so out of place in this parking lot.

The day awakens
And so do you.
The sun, not yet risen
The sky a darkened hue,
Crisp fresh morning air
The chill reviving you.
Outside your bedroom window,
Air fogging up the glass,
Eyes spotting glints behind pine trees
But gone within a flash.
Opening up the barrier
Wind howling in your ears
Bushes rustle while leaves toss about the wind.
Sparkling grass, wet from morning dew
The birds begin to chirp
Signaling others to speak too.
The sun begins to rise,
Sky turning orange, red, purple, and blue
Up over the mountains
With light shining through.
Every drop becomes a diamond
Their goal is to woo.
To draw you outside,
To greet them with smiles,
So come out the door and explore for awhile.

It hasn’t been very long that’s true,
But i feel just as safe as you.
I want to know it all
And I’d love to FaceTime call.
I want to be there for you
Whenever you’re feeling blue.
I want this too
So of course it’s okay
Whenever you feel bad and want to talk, you just need to say.
Okay?

I wanted it to work just as much as you
And i thought maybe you just didn’t want it to.
I know that it hurts
And we could’ve made it work.
I get that yeah it’s kind of over,
But i also had fun while it lasted.
At least i found some new music to blast and
I want to thank you for talking to me,
And showing me some things that I didn’t see.
I still think you’re cute and a wonderful person.
You are hilarious and lots of fun.
So thank you, for being around
Even though we don’t even live in the same town.
If this is goodbye, then i bow and wish you farewell
And good luck in your journeys through life, however many times it may seem like hell.

I’ll admit
I’m a bit romantic.
With theories and opinions
On why and how people love.

I’ve always been a bit clueless
When people have tried to confess
Anything indirectly said
Tends to go over my head.

My mind tends to fantasize
Everything all the time.
Things that are impossible
Or unfathomable

But I’ve learned as time goes
Though there is much i dont know
That when feelings occur
I should get to know the person first.

To wait and to understand
Quirks and habits and traits piling up like sand.
To know a person before getting together
Makes a relationship a lot better.

So off my brain goes
While i research the soul.

Depression *****.
Am I right? Or am I right.
I can't speak.
I don't want to say anything
I want a hug and I want affection and I want attention.
But I also just want to escape and not think about anything.
Sometimes it's hard to escape with them around.

They keep me grounded when I start to get lost,
But once I'm lost they can only hope I find a way back.
They are so important to me,
But sometimes their feelings about me are hard to see.

I wish I could apologize
I wish I really knew what was happening
I wish I understood this blood-******* Demon in my head.

It's hard to talk about really.
TBH I'm just depressed.
I'm known as "that" kid, ya know?
The one with the depressing poetry and stuff.
And yeah they are just joking when they say things like
"You can't write happy things."
But it doesn't help.
Well it doesn't help me.
But my blood-******* Demon appreciates your comment about my writing.

I say he's blood-*******, but I should say blood-letting.
That's one of the things he enjoys doing with me.
"Go on Alec. Pick out a sad song. Something bittersweet should be nice. If it makes you feel guilty while urging you to continue then it's perfect."
But . . . I'm not really up to it today.
"That's okay, because your body thinks differently. Laptop has pulled up a song, door is shut tight, you've opened your Nightmare Before Christmas coffin. Go in Alec. Continue."

Do I have a choice?
I wonder what would happen if I stopped now.
If I left it all here
And went to them
Or to talk to them.
If not them, then someone.
But alas, I leave for no one.

I move the paper I signed over a year ago.
"Do you promise to use alternative methods instead of hurting yourself?"
I signed it.
I thought it would help.
But the only thing it's good for is hiding my tool.

I reach down and grasp the razor.
I **** my breath through my teeth.
This is gonna hurt.
It's from a pencil sharpener.
They are so easy to take apart.
And so convenient for my blood-*******/letting Demon.
He loves them.
I'm not sure if i love or hate them.

The melody has already begun.
The ritual has started.
I can't stop anything now.
Nothing short of someone bursting into my room to ****** it out of my hand would stop me.
But that won't happen
So i speculate for nothing.
I waver for just a moment.
I want blood, but do i want pain anymore?

It doesn't matter.
He wouldn't let me leave.
He just loves taking over my brain.
He says everyone hates me.
Family, friends, and worst of all them.
I can't disagree.
So i take the razor.
I angle it.
One of the sharp ends points down.
Sticking into my skin.
I can already feel the electricity of danger.

I slowly drag the blade down
Waiting for the blood to feed my Demon
He licks his lips in waiting
While I hiss at the sting it's bringing.
I flex to make the crimson colors blossom and bloom.
I know it will all be over soon.
Once he's had his fill
I can go back to my life
Like I was never even ill.
...But I don't know how to go back there anymore.
Any attempt at trying only increases his laughter.

I am Not your ******* puppy
I am Not “whipped” or “trained”

There once was a boy
Who thought he was in love.
Though she treated him like a toy
He thought her an angel sent from above.

He called her his very very first love,
Though he was still young.
He didn’t care she was abusive
She didn’t care she made him choose and,
He didn’t care she cheated
....
But he did care when she wanted to leave him.

There once was a boy
Who finally got over a girl
She’d been very coy,
But she was no longer his world.
Until she came back suddenly.
....
He didn’t know how to feel or who to be.

There once was a boy
Who fell for a new girl
She filled him with joy
And he loved watching her spin and twirl.
Albeit uncomfortable at times
She was still always on his mind.
Until she started to disappear
She was here then there
....
And then no where.

There once was a boy
Who fell, once again,
For the girl who could disappear.
Only this time he held up a mirror.
So he could be there for himself,
When she left like everyone else.
But as he grew on himself,
He started thinking of her like everyone else.
And he knew he had to end what they had.
Because a relationship like that would just be bad
When she knew she began to cry,
....
But all he could say was goodbye.

There once was a boy
Who tried to avoid
Any more notions of love
Until he was sure that was what he would want.
So he stayed far away,
From the girls who’d say “hey”.
And he stayed far away,
From the girls who wanted to stay.
He just wrote what he wrote
Meaning every word, every note.
Until one day he read a confession
....
What now? Well that’s a pretty good question.

Love
-when the word is spoken it can seem bitter sweet.
-like candy that rolls off the tongue with a faint yet sour-sweet taste.

Freedom
-to some but a dream to others declaration
-keeps one smiling, looking forward to the future, while another takes for granted, doing all that they wish.

Friends
-people nearby, convenient and useful. People you love, care for, want to be with forever.
-used like tools to better yourself, cared for too much betrayed and alone, or stuck with forever; home away from home.

Depression
-tears, a sadness, a hate for yourself, unable to think so-called "happy thoughts"
-told its fake, just learn to smile. Going untreated, spark in eyes gone for awhile.

Strength
-physical, mental, objectively so. Not always the greatest but strive to be so.
-causes fights, ruins friendships, who is better? Measurement of abilities to see who is a go-getter.

Beauty
-a social construct, designed to keep in charge those who value their own opinion. Not caring who they make hurt inside.
-true beauty, being oneself, something hard to come across. Too wrapped up in others words to take a look at what they've lost.

Heroes
-"anyone can be a hero, even you."
-but if we believe that's true, why do we hold them so high above the rest, if anyone of us qualify for the test?

Staring into the void,
Am i speaking, or is that some other noise?
What is this incessant humming?!
Trying to walk away, yet somehow stumbling and fumbling.

Its reaching out, pulling me in
The light begins to slowly dim...
Maybe i should give up
Embrace the void, try my luck.

I wonder if anyone would want me to stay
I wonder if i would even listen to what they say.
Could they tug me back?
Could they be the momentary sanity i lack?

Meds V.S. The Void round 653997428834,
How much longer will i have to be here for?
WHY CANT I JUST WALK AWAY?!
WHY WONT IT JUST LET ME ESCAPE?!

ONE MEASLY PILL AGAINST THIS REPULSIVE CREATURE
i cant tell, does it have any human features?
When we first met each other
They were sappy and sweet,
Now the frost rolls off of them, forcing me to shiver.
I feel like i'm playing a video game on a level i just can't quite beat...

Because i'm level one and its level 500
And its not even hungry, its just hunting
And i can't run fast enough to get away
It's blocked off all exits and i'm forced to stay
This inescapable hell
Is there any way for me to call for help?!

My blood is pumping
As i just keep on running.
I'm not thinking anymore, i just can't
Its a fight or flight stance.
If i fight i die, if i run i die,
No matter what i do this...thing...is still going to be in my mind.

I cant seem to get away
It just wants me to stay
So i can feed off of my terror
And whisper that no one really cares

It knows i'm weak
And i think about the things it says before i sleep
And i'm so close to breaking
Trying not to let them know i'm faking.
So here i am, a plastered on smile, had to carve it in
Because it kept cracking again and again.

Demons will push
And Demons will play
But don’t let them scare
The ones you love away.

Thoughts may consume
Common sense trapped in a tomb
Demons can stay
Or demons can go,
Sometimes it’s better to let someone know.
I know that it’s easier to smile
But try to rely on others every once in awhile.

All it takes is a moment
A fuddled mistake
All that it takes to turn love to hate
And you don't want to own it
All that it takes is some words
Doesn't matter how or what is said
Any syllable can mean the sword
And you yell and you scream till you're dead
But who was to blame in the end?
No not just you, though you did contribute
Both needed wounds to be tended
But instead chose to ransack and loot.
A jab here
A hook there
Towards the heart a knife nears,
No, not a knife, a dagger
In a cycle of mistrust
Who started it? Does it even matter?
No, the only fact is that communication at the moment is a bust.
Words explode and you only slide further down this impossible to climb ladder.
You focus on splinters instead of climbing,
They focus on the way you climb, not that you're climbing
If neither focuses on the climbing then what's the point of trying?
If neither wants to truly speak their mind,
Will both be forever blind?
All it takes is some words
And maybe an action.
Too lost in the playing of swords....
Want to go home, but, where is home anymore?
Just a simple string of words is all it takes
To turn love to hate.

Use me and abuse me
I love it when I’m all you see
Please be my Queen
I’ll gladly bow on my knees
Treat me like a slave
Punish me when i misbehave
Tell me that I’m nothing
While calling me at 4 am because you “want me”
Let me follow you around
I promise not to make too much sound
I want your punishment and praise
I want to wait on you hand and foot when you just want to laze.
I want you to tie me up
And tell me that I’m just your little pup
And that puppies who don’t follow the rules
And just like jesters and fools.
And need to be punished by their Queen
Until their voice is raw with screams.

Little boy
Don't go
Little boy, why are you standing alone?
Standing all alone...

Little boy
Don't grow up fast
Little boy
The past never stays in the past.
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
The world is cruel
It's sick and lonesome
Believe me, it's no fun.
Little boy
Don't grow up

You're moving on
You're giving up
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
The world will turn
And as it turns
What will you learn?
Little boy
Little boy

Little boy
Just take my hand
I'll fly you 'round
To Neverland
Little boy
Don't grow up
Little boy
Don't go too far
Don't leave behind
Everything that you are
Little boy

Little boy
Please don't go
You're all I have
Please don't leave me all alone
Don't leave me all alone...

Little boy
You're all alone
Come with me
I'll take you home
Little boy
Don't go

Little boy
You've grown up quick
You're awful strong
And you've got wit.
Yeah
But little boy
Don't go.

Little boy
You're all i have
With nothing left
How much more time i wish we'd spent.

Little boy
You're all i had
But don't you think
That I am mad
Cuz little boy
You'll always be
Special to me.
Little boy
You've grown so much
Into a man
The world was cruel
But it shook your hand.

Little boy
You're all i have
You were all i had.
Little boy,
Stay in touch
Keep your mind
Don't fuss too much.
Little boy
Don't grow up
Too much.

Little boy
I'll miss you now
You're all alone
But it's okay to wander now.

Little boy
I'm always here
When you stop by
I'll always cheer

Little boy
Don't cry
Little boy
It's all right
Little boy
I'll be fine,
This time.

Little boy
This is home
But it's time for you
To go.
Little boy.

I'll miss you
And you'll miss me
But we'll be fine
You'll see

And little boy
Though you're a man
Don't grow up
Too fast
The world is cruel
Though it shook your hand
Little boy
Stay young
Little boy
Stay fun
Little boy
Go fast, run.

“You make me happy”
“I need you”
I need to stop
I’m getting attached
I need to stop trying to latch
I have problems
Look at me not even trying to solve them
She’s a player
Why don’t I hate her?
Yeah she flirted with me once
But I highly doubt it meant much
Yet here I am
Making myself sad
And making myself mad.
Why do I let myself get attached
I need to stop getting latched.
I glance at you and I smile.
How stupid of me, I’m getting all riled
You’re stuck on someone
You’re not done
I need to back off
Before I become lost
I’ve said what I needed to say
If you need or want me you need only to send a hey
But I should move on
Seeing as you’re gone

How is it any ******* different
Tell me please id like to know
You can bow with the crowd after your show
After you’ve finished screaming and yelling and threatening
And I’m ******* crying wanting to escape you.
Because I’m sick of this hurt as much as I’m sick of you.
You say you love me
You say you care but then won’t let me be
You hurt me emotionally
And when i fight back or do the same things you do I’m the one punished
That’s not fair and i dont care
What stupid ******* book you’re reading because it’s clearly not ******* helping
You’re still hurting me
And i dont care how much or even how you apologize
Because deep down we both know it’s a lie.
So maybe i defend myself because we learn from what our parents teach us
You’ve taught me to be the abusive one who apologizes after mutilating trust.
But it’s okay because I’ve at least accepted that about myself
So now i can fix it. I can get help.
But as long as you deny how much pain you put me in
You’ll never compare in this fight, you’ll never win.
After this long with this painful tune
I’ve learned how to hurt myself better than you.

We have a toxic relationship
And i wish saying it would change it,
But it won’t.
And i need to give up hope.
Because i cant Breathe anymore,
Choking on the smoke.
And i get it, you’re either too grumpy or not bored,
So you don’t want to deal with me.
But getting it doesn’t always change what i see.
You can’t say I’m not one thing,
Just to turn around and use similar terms.
That’s not what i deserve.

There is a wall between us
One i cannot break
One i can’t get through
And find a way to say hey

No matter how hard i try
Our relationship, i cannot save
I wish i could reach out
Break through this clear cage.

But i can only smush my face against the glass
In hopes you will see
But you are not looking at me
Can you even see the glass?
Do you realize i am trapped?
Do you see that i cant reach through
I can’t touch or talk to you.

I’m not so sure what to do
You look content
On your side of this wall
Laughing and dancing
Talking and walking

And i -
I stay here
On my side of this wall
It looms all around
I feel like I’m  bound
‘Tis a solemn event
As i attempt to find a way through,
I can only conclude
It’s too strong to dent.

This is more of a vent
But i want it to rhyme
I just want to get over the wall! I’m hell-bent!
I want to get past this pane
It’s glass that just won’t ******* break
Without you how can i possibly stay sane?!
How do i fix this?
How do i reach you?
I’ll find a way out
I need to.

Do you even seen this glass?
How long can this loneliness last?
Do you see how I’m stuck?
How can you reach me?
If you can’t even see me?
I can not reach you.
Though try i might
But you look happy
Perhaps I’ll just give up this fight.

So i stay behind this glass
Maybe if you are happy my sadness will be over in a flash.
But alas i am forced to wait
So I stare through this pain

No matter what I want you to be happy,
Even though i wish i could feel the same.

I assure you
I am not the type of guy to cheat or lie.
If you’re talking about Snapchat,
She’s not into guys, that’s a fact.

I’ve caught feelings too.
And i still want to take this semi-slowly.
But at the same time i want to rush ahead.
I want to stay up late talking with you before bed.

I have nothing to hide from you,
Ask anything your heart desires you to.
You say you want to be the one to do these things
To tug on my heart strings.

Well you are.
Ever since that poem, you’ve been on my mind and heart.

Do you remember that trick
That was taught to us
When we were making a fuss.
We’d just tumbled or stumbled and hurt ourselves.

And our family said to bite our cheek or tongue or finger because it helps.
We started doing it all the time
Every time we got hurt, but the trick kinda internalized.

Learning to stop one pain with another,
The flame doesn’t hurt your skin if you’re being smothered.
So you’d have bite marks on your finger
Nail imprints on your hands,
Pain that lingered.

But then that wasn’t enough
And you had to keep trying new things
Because you were getting too tough.
Bruises in places where no one would see.
Hidden nicely behind a tee.

And suddenly the pain started being in your heart and head
And you were so confused
How do you stop this pain with something greater
Until you finally figured it out, how to stop this blues.

Your trick still works,
It just needs to sting
No more nails, you want metallic imprints from the tines of your fork
Biting down on your pillow as you dig deeper into your skin
Trying to find some way to overcome what’s inside and win.

Battling fire with fuel.
Why isn’t it working?
Why is the pain you feel still there, still real?
But it doesn’t stop.
It never stops.
And now you don’t know how to stop.