I've always felt inadequate
less important than everyone else
if I wasn't there, no one would notice
I could say nothing
and no one would care
this feeling is one I try to
keep buried deep inside
away from view
I like to act like I don't care
like everyone else is lame
and
I'm just too cool for them
but I know what it really is
I'm not as cool as them
I'm not ridiculously funny
or clever
I'm not smart and rare
I'm not special
I don't sing
I don't drink
I don't have a best friend
I don't do anything
or go anywhere
because I have no friends
I don't fit in
and even when I thought I found
people who were just like me
I still felt alone
I was still alone even in the group
whether they meant to single me out
or not
it still hurt all the same
I give up on ever feeling good enough
it only feels like lying

they say growing up is a trap,
but what about never growing at all?

I think it may be worse to miss out on all the heartache and pain that comes with being alive because in all that suffering, is where you find yourself

growth hurts,
every limb and vein in your body as if you're being pulled apart,
but from darkness always comes something far more beautiful and then after all of it,
you're still here

rather than stay sheltered and safe and comfortable,
I think I'd rather feel it all

all the risks I've ever taken
or hardships life has thrown at me,
or moments so wonderful they imprinted my soul,
have been more painful and beautiful and just so very worth it
I wouldn't change a thing

I don't have the right words
because I am absolutely exhausted
without me even realizing
in the past few weeks my depression has really taken a toll on me
everything feels more difficult
overwhelming
defeating
I realized I haven't really felt happy happy in weeks
I've just kind of looked forward to times where I have no responsibility because anything important is debilitating
people always seem to think you're unhappy because you miss someone or your just inconvienced
that once the weekend comes it will all be better again
when someone says something like that
I know they have never ever felt like I do right now
like my brain is clawing itself up in a war of conflicting feelings and thoughts
wanting happiness and feeling strictly prohibited

I don't know where else to turn with my feelings
social media is a waste of my time
I've never felt more alone there
I'm happy and sad at the same time
and I didn't know how I was going to feel
But truly I just feel lost
this week has taken it out of me,
the past couple months have to
I would like to act like I'm stronger than this
but I just don't know anymore
how much can one person take?
its just the feelings full of color pouring out of me
and I don't know if my tears are because I'm happy or if I'm sad
or somewhere in between
I'm just a girl calling out to the universe to bring me back
to send me a sign
to show me the way
to just help me make it though even one more day

for the past few days the same thought has went through my head
what if I just stop living?
meanwhile my heart has kept asking me
but what if we just stopped dieing?

I really do wonder if I am just going to be like this for the rest of my life or if it's just a very long faze
I've wondered this for years
always thinking
"well next week will be better
next month will be better
next year will be better"
and it's not
I've been so unhappy lately
the kind I can't quite put my finger on
I know I've been lonely
and feeling insecure lately
about everything
my looks
my job
my relationship
my son
my car
Etc etc etc
I honestly have days and weeks where I feel unstoppable
I could handle everything at once and not blink
but then all of those highs crash into deep dark lows and I feel too weak to climb back up

I don't know what love is anymore
I could just as easily confuse it with how I feel about cigarettes

addicting and enjoyable
yet it's killing me

take care of yourself
and know it's ok to have different feelings
reconnect with doing the things you like to do without your spouse
give yourself a break
don't go through this alone
establish new relationships, hang out with your friends and make new ones
don't put yourself in emotionally hard situations
pay attention to how you feel
don't include your kids in the conflict
things will go back to normal, even if it's a new "normal"

I spent a lot of time in my life wondering why I wasn’t more like them
less like me and more like those people who are just noticed when they walk in a room
the ones you know are coming because you can hear them before they enter
I wondered why I wasn’t louder
more personal
more likeable, like them
why didn’t I have that way of greeting people and pulling them in as if I really couldn’t wait to hear about their weekend like they did
I worried there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to be in the crowd, I didn’t want to follow the leader or be picked for the team
I felt like I was flawed because I didn’t seem to think like them, act like them or look like them
I couldn’t keep up or stay in line or listen to the rules as easily
where others fell in place, I always felt like stepping out
It turns out of course, that the answer is we are all human
and my humanness wasn’t meant to be exactly like anyone else’s
and that’s okay
I just hadn’t found the ones who understand yet
what it’s like to be a person shoved inside of a human

These past few years you have made me forget that I am still fire
I am still strong and powerful and capable
You have done your best to take all the best parts of me
and turn them into something useful only for you
but there is still that roaring heart inside my chest

For awhile I forgot that I used to be hell on wheels
miss independent with a kick in my step
ready to take on the world with an iron fist
I used to be the girl who rolled over men like you
put them in their place and said forget it

I am a volcano erupting
An ocean of feelings that are okay to feel
The loud parts of me are what make me burn beautifully
The parts of me you don't like me to show are okay too
I shouldn't have to be quiet about my flaws
because love is supposed to accept them anyway
if love is even what we can call this anymore

When my insecurities come out you leave welts on my skin
from being so hateful towards my most fragile pieces
when I am breaking you only help me shatter
by throwing stones big enough to break down whole buildings

All of me that makes me who I am is not appreciated by you
it is NOT fair for me to live hiding and walking on eggshells
to make sure you are happy, the only one of us who apparently matters
supposed to be partners in this life instead I am your servant

but Oh you are never wrong, you never want to hear it when I am bleeding my heart out all over the floor
I am a mess you just step over because heaven forbid you get your shoes wet

I've cried as much as my eyes will let me
I don't think there's anything left in my ducts to pour out
but my heart still hurts just the same
I cried because I am frustrated
I am sick of this situation were always in
I cried because I don't know how we're going to do it
even though I know we will
I guess I cried because it's going to be so hard  
I cried because I don't believe in myself the way I act like I do
I am so scared all the time
I don't know what I'm doing and I am scared of being in pain
I cried because my life is going to change in ways I hadn't even considered yet
the days we had are gone and I miss them already
I cried because life is scary and I haven't felt this alone in so long
I cried because I feel bad for feeling this way
it's not my babies fault I am feeling unprepared
it is my own
I just feel so alone and full of regrets tonight

The worst thing you can do to me is
Ignore me
And then think that will solve something
because we will be “calmer” “cooled down” “not angry anymore”
Yeah right
ignoring me only escalates my emotions
giving me time to think is a dangerous thing
leaving me to cry huge tears that soaked my face and my bed and left my eyes red and my throat sore is a careless mistake for a girl like me
Once my heart is cracked open
it crumbles like dirt in your hands
I am not a forgiving person
even if I wanted to be
I don’t have it in me to forgive someone for stepping on me like I am small
Inside I am bigger than you
I just have to find that part of me that got lost somewhere and I’ll be giant and so bright I’ll blind you

I just went back and read the beautiful things I wrote
during the darkest time of my life
and
I can see that girl writing those poems
I know exactly where she was
I see it in my mind so clearly when I read through my old thoughts
I was so beautifully melancholy
yet inspiring and hopeful sometimes
I should read what I wrote about myself more often because I was speaking love to myself that I’ve forgotten about
somehow I lost that light that shines in those words
even if they are painful and sad there is power in what I said
because I made it

You said you wanted me to come over, and even though it was nearly midnight, I agreed.
I hit every red light between here and your house: start stop wait and wait and wait and start just to stop and wait again, stuck listening to weight-loss infomercials,right-wing talk radio,that god-awful jingle for the lawyer that tries to sound like a wild-west cowboy.
Idling under these red cyclops eyes, I wanted
to tell you that this had to stop, that I was going home, that I’d see you tomorrow, maybe,but I finished the drive and remembered why:
the red scent of your hair;your lips against my neck, saying,“I’m glad you’re here. I’m so glad you’re here.”

I'm tired of being jealous of other people's lives
I want to make a life that someone else is envious of
that makes them want to change their lives for the better
that makes them question how they're living or what they really wanna do
If they're staying true to themselves
or just doing what everyone else wants

Sometimes I can't put down my thoughts the way I wish I could
I feel like my head is blocking my words from escaping
Like it's too hard to express my real feelings anyway
this is normal
I begin to think my life is just so boring and uninteresting that I don't have anything to say
but I have moments where I take a deep breath and let it go slowly and think to myself
"I know I'm just depressed"
and that feeling is hopeless
and I feel helpless
I'll look at my reflection and think to myself
"What am I supposed to do?
Everyday isn't a bad day.
Even if it's not really a good one either."

Last night I closed my eyes and you came to me in the dark, just you in a room where you were surrounded by pitch black
Your face was blank, basically emotionless
as you stared back at me, it was like you were right in front of me and even when I opened my eyes your image was still fresh in my mind
No matter what I did I couldn’t make you go away
I didn’t feel scared of you but it just made me sad
Seeing you morph like my mind was remembering the details of your face and then you came into view the way I remember
As you,
with those eyes behind your glasses that they buried you in and that grey beanie that was on your head at your funeral, the one you wore to work so often, along with your other ball caps they removed from your desk
They told us we would feel so many ways for awhile after your loss
But no one mentioned you showing up in the dark

At this point in life whoever you’re with or whoever you’re gonna meet is irreparably broken
I know this cause so am I
I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year now and off and on for several years before this and I still haven’t gotten it quite figured out
the damage done by past relationships follows swiftly
like a dark shadow I constantly see the pain out of the corner of my eyes
I don’t know how to help someone else when I’m hurting too
so stumbling and falling is natural when you can’t see which direction your feet are going
maybe some of us weren’t meant to be destined for greatness or great love
maybe we’re not all meant to find true happiness or peace
maybe we’re not meant to live without the anxiety because at this point, it’s a part of who we are
and if we lose that too, then we’d lose ourselves completely

I think I made you up inside my head,
the way your words are so sweet and you always know how to cheer me up,
how your arms are so warm
and you know how to make all of my favorite foods

your perfect green eyes and brown hair,
are my favorite combination
mixed with your soft, sweet musky smelling beard that brushes against my face when I kiss you,
how your smile melts me and all those little noises you make are so cute
I just adore you in every way
that it's all too perfect,
like I get to live in the greatest daydream every single day beside you

you want me all the time,
my presence in the room is enough to leave you breathless
and every time we wrap into one another
you take my breath away
we're two people who fit together just
drunk on each other's company

even when I'm angry or have no makeup on you always tell me I'm beautiful
not only because of how I look on the outside, but also for the me on the inside

if I had dreamed up a guy he couldn't have been as good as you,
your perfection for me as a lover is undeniable,
as if you were sent to earth to wait
just for me,
born to one day cross paths with a girl with long blonde hair and weird dance moves to all the songs on the radio,
a storm come to blow you away

out of all the people in the world you were made to love all of myself,
it's as if I made you up inside my head

I guess after so many trys
and so much time,
it really is best to look forward when
what was had is lost forever

no matter how hard I try to look
or even however hard I might force myself to want it to be the same

It just isn't

I've always been interested in hearing other people's dirt on their relationship
probably because it's nice to know someone else out there is just as miserable as I am

Happiness in a relationship is all temporary
A facade of what people think is normal life
Rather fake it till you make it
over actually going out and being it

But I don't want to spend my life
being quiet and silencing my soul
even I can't tame my heart to a truth it wasn't meant to have

I've always lived for someone else
this time I want to try to live for me

when I was 18 I went to a funeral for a man I didn't know with the guy I was living with at the time
the body wasn't there
it was supposed to be a celebration of life
this man had no kids
no wife
but he had a brother and a sister left behind
his siblings both went up and made a speech about him
and as tears rolled down their faces and photos flashed behind them on the screen
I lost it
I could imagine what it would be like to be at my own siblings funeral
up at the podium trying to make jokes about their younger years
I sat in this chair trying so hard not to make any noise
choking back tears that I had no idea where they were coming from
I guess I just felt so much empathy for these people that it made me cry with them
I got up quickly and went into the bathroom and let myself cry really hard for 30 seconds and then washed my hands and wiped my eyes and went back out to sit down
everyone knew I had been crying and no one said anything to me about it except my boyfriend at the time who asked
"Why are you crying, you didn't even know him?"
I shook my head and replied
"because they're so sad. I don't know. It made me sad too."

Once you realize the army you have behind you
You become stronger then you ever imagined

I got so used to being with you
knowing you and memorizing your tics and the way you spoke,
I hadn't realized real time apart
would change both of us to the point that looking at you now only feels like speaking with a person I just met

One time I showed up to a bar
took all my layers off and decided to give it a try
I let loose and felt free and drowned my sorrows in dainty drinks and rap music
Feeling like a bomb shell ready to blow
I let the world get under my skin and the beat roll into my veins as I became the girl everyone wants to meet
that everyone wants to talk to
I became the girl of my dreams
swirling in drinks with tiny straws and orange juice
dancing alone but felt like the whole room was with me
time flew by
until I left and became the same old girl who walked into a bar just to give it a try

going off on me for expressing my true feelings online
reminds me of when you used to do that in real life
if I ever spoke up when I was sad or angry
you would get so mad you would hit things around you
stomp off and leave
tell me I was crazy
while I was left crying so hard I couldn’t breathe
my eyes welled up red
wondering
if I wanted to live like this for the rest of my life

I’m sick of my brain telling me no one cares
that no one really loves me and if I wasn’t around no one would notice
It’s told me this my whole life
For as long as I can recall memories
And as long as I’ve been old enough to think for myself,
my brain has lied to me so many times

I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through
but I don’t think I can find the words
when I look back and the memories flash through my brain
it all seems like a life someone else lives
that it wasn’t me anyway
but it is me
this is my life
and I have no idea how to talk about it
let alone fix it

All of the things that annoyed me about you before
are the little things I now miss the most

I have always lived life like I am blind to the reality of what it really is
it’s only in faint moments do I realize what is actually true
that I’m not as happy as I come off being
it’s not as perfect as I sometimes feel like it is
I’m more sad than I let people know I’m just really good at hiding at this point
people in my life do not really care like I would like to believe
I am actually alone in this world no matter how many people I surround myself with
or who I’m with
I’m mad, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m lost

I am physically ill from the abuse that my heart has taken from breaking

my muscles ache from shaking
due to the constant chill of being hollow

fuzzy thoughts like nothingness run through my head

an eternal longing for this something
something
I don't even know what

this poem, these words, these thoughts are all nothing

just black text on a web page

maybe they are my need to be heard
my need to be loved
at the same time this ache to be hated

the same way I hate myself

I have decided that forever is going to feel like this

just me, walking around day to day
on the outside looking okay
but secretly dealing with this constant twist in my guts and a gaping hole in my heart

maybe it's my soul digging it's way out of my shell

desperately trying to get out to find another body to dive into

one much more deserving than myself
who can love this girl who everyone finds beautiful
except she doesn't even see that

I was always afraid of leaving
thinking that I would lose the parts of me willing to love again,

as if I had forgotten my heart was mine, still beating in my chest

to afraid of what I would become if I was alone or without you

like I thought that my brilliance was only because of you or something
and that it wasn't actually more of a reflection of myself back to me

I had forgotten I am my own
I am enough

to love again is inevitable
because I myself, am irrevocably going to be loved

is it selfish to hope that my son
turns out more like me
to hope he cares more about things
like the lunar eclipse or the lifetime of a tree over the next level on a video game?

to see the world through a wider set of eyes
and to know there is much more to life than the day to day routines
that nature matters
and so does recycling and knowledge of plants

reading should still be done out of books
and learning to write in cursive still matters
I hope he sees the beauty in the stars
and how small but important we are in the vast universe we get to be apart of
how what we do here on earth
effects our solar system

when he gets older I hope he realizes
other people's feelings around him
how the things he says and does truly effect someone else
I hope he cares about his health
that he dosent smoke and dosent drink too much
is conciencious of his eating choices
and goes for an apple over chips
I hope he sees he only has one life
and that he sets out to make the most of it

I hope he is never too ******* himself
because he realizes no one is perfect
and that he takes the time to
take care of himself
I hope he wants to live in this world over the makeshift realities brainwashing todays Youth through TV and games
I hope he questions who he is
and who he wants to be even in the good times not just the bad

I hope when the next lunar eclipse comes around
he will want to watch it with his Mom
because he knows how much she adores both the moon and her son

Oh well were riding at 8 in the morning with
this bowl making rounds inside a
car with
a heater thats a *******
and
Man, its March. When will it finally warm up?

everyone thinks they know me
but they only the version of me that they have instilled in their mind
based off of jokes, or conversation or encounters
there are a hundreds of me out there walking around with all the people I've ever known
assumptions or truth or false information about who I am swirl around me in all the day to day life
all of these versions of me have me mixed in my own cocktail of loneliness
even with all the ME in the world
I still dont even know who I am

Am I angry?
Am I sad?
Am I am jealous?
Am I depressed?
That life could go from feeling so good to feeling like this?
I am all of these things.
I have wanted so much
and gotten so little
I have gotten so much
and wanted so little
I may never be really happy
I never thought I'd be this messy

My tears would soak my face,
eyes red from the tiny veins busting inside from strain
my laugh was the loudest, my love was all in
my heart was running a never ending race
I felt a constant weight lay on my chest and my stomach never felt full
A deep emptiness engulfed me, a longing for life like I could taste it if I wanted to
chances waiting every hour, every minute things could change
goals upon goals and dreams upon dreams
I could take on the world, the doubt of others only a motivator to my next step
a powerhouse of life, love, movement and strength I was
a butterfly in the sky just out of reach
I really felt like I could fly back then
I felt guided by my spirit,
Like Frodo I had a secret weapon in my pocket to find the light, even in the darkest of places, unafraid to use it when all hope was gone
I was sassy, sarcastic and quick
always on the ready to jump, scream, laugh smile or run
It felt like me against the world and I was on the greatest team
I had a knowing that I was not going to let myself down, I would not be like them
I would be different

but I wasn’t
all the poems that I wrote, all the feelings that I felt, all the love I poured out, all the dreams I wasted and achieved, all the trying, kicking, screaming, joy, sorrow and peace, all of it
and yet I still became the one thing I spent so much time disowning
I still became me

I have decided that this is it
no matter how hard it may be
and even if I don't know where to start
I know that once you said the words
"I've been seeing someone since mid December"
my world faded away
the image in my mind was destroyed
and all that was left was
an emptiness so deep
it left my legs feeling broken from the fall
none of this is good for me
hearing you say she is
"the only thing that makes you feel alive anymore"
left burns in my brain in places that once held memories of us
the scars will never fade
and I'll forever think of the girl who makes you feel like I used to

the last time i went home
i went into my moms room
and
i stole my moms pants
because they smelled
like
home

Tall, skinny, dark skin tanned by the sun
a football t-shirt with his school logo
the same high school I graduated from
walking ten feet in front of his mother
head down, nose in his smartphone
he slows his pace and meets up with her
in the Halloween section
I hear her ask,
"What are you going to do for red ribbon week?"
to which he rose his head for two seconds to reply with annoyed snarkiness,
"I don't know but I'm not wearing anything on my face.."
off he goes
nose in his phone
and suddenly my heart wrenched for her
for him
for that tone and the way he is missing out on this time with his Mom even though it seems so mundane to a teenage boy to grocery shop with his Mother
the saying is true
you won't appreciate your parents until it's too late and you're already grown and out of the house
I felt for myself
I'm having a son
and all I could think was
'what if one day that's me, watching my teenage son ignore me on his smartphone I pay way too much for so he can get on Facebook and waste his thoughts on brainwashing Internet trends, not caring to really talk to me anymore, or even care if I exist'

You may not be able
to see the first signs of fall because
it shows up the same way
as love does
you feel it first
Over night suddenly everything
is somehow,
Different
As if Mother Nature and us
are connected
we are find ourselves changing
with the seasons
And as the nights grow
colder
the happier I will feel

Ive known you for approximately 6209.1225 days
Which is equivalent to 17 years
When people think of love,
they never consider the bond between a sister
and her
twin.
Its a God given best friend
a pal for life,
someone who will always have your back,
the yin to my yang,
my better half,
While you may be bullheaded and stubborn,
I can be quite openminded and forgiving
and between the two
we balance out,
we make an equilibrium.
It's me and you against the world
from Beanie babies to paychecks,
from ice cream trucks to a Corsica,
It was me and you
all along.
Even if our Mother made a million mistakes
I have to thank her for giving birth to the other half of my heart.
I know Ill never be alone because
you're always right there by my side.

the other night I thought I was dying
my arm started to hurt and it felt like my veins were trying to burst through my skin
panic overflowed immediately
and I couldn’t breathe
it hurt so bad I thought surely this was it
it would almost make sense that I would go
from my own feelings killing me
first girl whose own feelings literally killed her
that’s how it felt
like my own thoughts could literally stop my heart
unintentional self sabotage
an ice pack and breathing eventually worked
and I fell asleep so hard I had dreams that I could barely remember the next morning

I feel like I've found my niche
with this walking thing
I started because I found it makes my baby happy
he sleeps so good in the rocky stroller
falling into slumber with each bounce and groove in the sidewalk
I started to realize it was therapeutic
for the both of us
I find myself actually looking forward to
waking up so I can start my
morning and go for my walk
the air is clearer and so is my mind
I like to know I'm growing stronger everyday
I like to push myself to go further
walk faster
think harder
my walks are where my thoughts
come together
where I process my life and give myself time to be fully
me
sometimes my mind is blank
and I am just feet on the ground
leaving an untraceable path
burning calories and fat
into muscle and progress
I think I found my thing
a thing I like to do
even if it does seem small and simple
it makes me feel good
and when something makes you feel like this
why would you stop

those rainy day, gloomy doom moods still hit me,
the adrenaline of chasing a high even if it’s no good still gets me,
I still crave those moments of breaking the barrier and pushing limits,
self sabotage for the fun of it, to be reckless just because we’re here on this planet once,
as far as we know

the Wild in me still has legs that want to run
to feel and taste freedom like I can have whatever I want,
these days she’s just in bed by 8:30 having wild dreams instead