tw: self harm


There’s this noise
It’s on repeat
In my head
And it’s whispering
In the back of my mind

do it again
                  cut deeper this time
   don’t you want to see the blood?
                       don’t you want to feel the pain?
        you want it.              i know.
                         just pull out the knife
              clean it
and release

I feel ******* drugged
I mean... yeah... I guess I am...
Artificial feelings
Laughing a bit too long...
Missing things...
Miscounting..
I’m just... scattered
But I feel okay
I feel better...?

Sometimes
I just sit
And feel
The adrenaline
That courses
In my veins
Constantly
I caress it
Let it flow
Through my flesh
Feel it run
Down my spine
Through my arms
To the tips
Of my fingers
Sometimes it makes
Me sick
My stomach turns
Aches
My head beats
Loudly
Droning
To my pulse
Which is consistent
And fast
I smile
I love it
I want more
I feel like a
Maniac

I was born into darkness
A servant, a slave to it
Shackles kept me prisoner
But I was freed
By the Breaker of Chains
It held me close
While nursing my wounds
But when I healed,
I started fighting back
Against goodness
I didn't want to be cared for
I never deserved that kind of love
I shouldn't be protected
And the darkness,
I’d made it my home
It could make me feel
Like none other could
And I forgot
About all I had been rescued from
And I tried to escape
To return
To my demons
And the Breaker of Chains?
It watched over me
Guarded me
While I wandered
Allowing my freedom
But preventing my demise

I don’t want this
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be successful
I don’t want to be whatever you all wanted
I just... I just want to be happy...
But yes... I understand.
Happiness is not for me.

I've made myself a mess
I pretend to be a victim
While I throw myself
Into the heart of disaster

I swallow poison
Then wonder why I stumble
I cloud my mind with noise
Then scream out in confusion

I tell myself it's their fault
They caused me all this pain
While wallowing in my pity
Opening up old wounds
So I can convince myself
I'll never heal

There's nothing good left
So twisted, plagued by myself
Except the one spot
The place I've left untouched
In all my self-destruction
Where you reside within
My solitary hope, my haven
The only reason I keep breathing

My heart’s beating
Pounding actually
But my chest
It’s heavy
My mind
Is empty
I’m trying
To smile politely
To hide it
But I can’t feel
I can barely hear the words
Falling from your mouth

It’s fine
I’m fine
It’ll go away
All on its own
It won’t last long
Tomorrow will be better
(Tomorrow is never better)
You’ll feel better if...

C’mon
What game are you playing now?
You said this last time
Remember?
When you thought you lost your mind?
What did you say?
C’mon. Tell me.
What was your perspective on the issue?

You said,

And I quote:

“It’ll go away on its own...”




And guess what

It got so much worse.

Let all praise rise to the Almighty!
He who looked upon me
This broken soul
This cacophonous mind
And wanted it...?
In this desperate, evil state
Down from glory, perfection
He stoops low
To reach into my vile spirit
My craving for rebellion
My lust for escape
My destructive habits
His heart is so soft...
He reaches to me
He holds me through the night
And strengthens me to rise with the sun
So, I repeat:
Let all praise rise!
Let it rise to my Savior!
Let it rise to the only reason I’m alive.

I don't want to cry today
I don't want to hurt myself today
I don't want to live in darkness today
I don't want to hate myself today
I don't want to hate others today

I don't know why,
But I know

I want to smile today
I want to be kind to myself today
I want to bask in the light today
I want to love being myself today
I want to love others today

I don't know why today is different
But I'm so glad it is

Come here, Beloved Daughter

I can see the tears you're fighting back
Remember? I was there with you
I held you as you silently wept
In the darkness all alone
Those nights when you couldn't see an end
To the misery
There was no way out
It had gone on so long
That you weren't sure
If you wanted to be alive anymore

I was there

You cried yourself to sleep in my arms
And I know it hurts to remember
But it's how you're going to heal
You don't have to force smiles
Especially not with me

Because I was there, Beloved

The night you wanted to come home

You can’t treat me
If I don’t want to get better

Sorry,

E̴̘̹̠͍̭͒̉͜ṃ̶̺̰̲̟͋́p̴̧̛̳̠ȉ̴̪̒͑͐ŗ̴̝͍͙͔̀̄̅̌ė̴̽̓̎­̨͉̩̟̞̗̑


P. S. I don’t care

I wanted to say, “yes”
I wanted us to have drinks
I wanted to feel warm and safe
To feel your strong embrace

Maybe if I’d had a drink
Maybe if you had a few
We would’ve both made enough mistakes
Let down our guards
And something could’ve happened

You must’ve known I wanted to kiss you
I wanted you to hold me
Maybe we should’ve had drinks...
Maybe then....

But instead
We were respectful
We were smart
With our guards up high
Yet somehow still drawing closer
But not ready to truly be close

Not yet

I’m so ******* sick of all this *******
It’s exhausting
I’m tired of it!
I’m not your possession
I’m not your slave
Your subordinate
Your minion
Your tool
Your punching bag
Your therapy

I am an adult human being
I’m a person
I’m your ******* daughter

I always look for someone to save me
Every single time
I check my phone
I listen for footsteps
I want someone to stop me
I don’t really have that anymore
Now I have to save myself
But I don’t really want to

They left me alone when I was young
The monsters did
But I got bored of being myself
Plain and simple
And they told me it would be fun
They made my blood pump
And the serotonin flooded my brain
But they started to take over
Their tastes grew darker
It got harder to push them aside
I started losing control
So I learned to channel them
To write their desires
To control the pleasure from the dark depths
Now these words are what remain
My only fix
The solitary outlet
For the monsters inside

Bluetooth: Connected
Volume: LOUD
Genre: Rock
Press Play.

Passion, anger, rage, yearning
All of which I thought were wrong
Now within my mind they're swirling
The simple cause being only a song

What I hide in my depths
Somehow they share
Artists who feel my breaths
Who sing what I cannot bear

It's like they've plugged into my brain
Providing comfort, understanding
A release valve for my tank of pain
And my adrenaline commanding

Others call it stressful noise
They don't feel it like I do
All I hear is a familiar voice
Which it my soul breaks through

I glide my fingers over
The scab I didn’t mean to make
And try to convince myself
Not to make any more

Have you ever
Fallen so in love
With something
So evil
So full of secrets
And lies
But it was exhilarating
Intoxicating
Breathtaking
So, you ignored the signs
The warnings
Everything you knew
Because you were in love
And it just felt so good
But you knew
It would be your end?

I’ve memorized the lines
They make me sick
Because I DON’T WANT THIS

I DO NOT WANT THESE PILLS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DRUGS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DOCTORS

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE


I WANT TO WANT TO LIVE




and instead. I’m reading another bottle
Over
And over


And man..... how all these bottles in my drawer....
They make me wonder........
What would happen......
If... if what they tried to use to fix me.......
If it could end me.....

I feel so alone
So much of the time
Surrounded by people
Who love me
And who don’t
It doesn’t matter
Because no one knows
Me
And I’m
Dying
For someone to
See me
All the way
Through all my crap
All my walls
All my pain
All my faults
And then still
Choose
To pull me in close
And kiss me
Because he is
So furiously
In love with this
Entire mess

tw suicide



it wouldn't be much of a loss
i'm not pretty
i'm not smart anymore
i'm not kind anymore
i'm not loved
i'm not known
my parents would cry...
my sister would cry...
but would their lives change?
would a loved one truly be lost?
if only i could just disappear...
i don't want to ******* be here
this ******* place...
these people...
you'd all be glad if i was gone

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


sometimes my mind falls ill
twists and warps my thoughts
lets all the demons in freely
to ransack my sanity

somewhere in the chaos
in the  
               !!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !  ! !!   !      !  !D!E!A!F!E!N!I!N!G!!!­N!O!I!S!E!    !     !   !!   !   !!   !!!    !
!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a whisper of a thought...
it's not kind...
it craves pain...
it flirts with death...

it is this voice that makes me wonder
if it wouldn't be better if i were bleeding
or maybe if i were starving
or maybe if i were high

it makes me want to abuse myself
to punish, to torture
to remember i'm alive
to excite me

all i want is destruction

defile                  abuse                    tor­ture                  harm

"you deserve this....."
                                         "don't you want to see the damage?"

        "your heart will race.... adrenaline in your veins......"

                           "brand yourself with the marks of suffering..."

"make yourself sick......."
                                                  "i­ know you've been curious."

            "make the pain real."
                                                          ­  "enjoy it."

i must control the voices
else they get too loud...
and as they grow in power
i quickly desire to be terribly abusive
to DESTROY MY BODY
because this....
               this disgusting flesh...
really shouldn't exist

I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

i've made myself sick
my stomach turns in knots
i haven't eaten...
in a long time
and i just keep pouring
more and more chemicals
down my raw throat
because maybe one
will make the demons
SHUT UP
for a moment

You won two battles
And had the audacity to think you might win the war?
Ha! How terribly foolish of you, my nemesis!
I am still here.
I am still fighting.

So, onward I march
Even if all I do is breathe
I will resist
As you try to land your blows
As I hear your voice in my ear

Even when the march
Becomes a weary stagger
You will not best me
I will always get back up
When you beat me down

Some battles I will surely lose
Many already lost...
But not tonight

This victory is mine.

It's not much,
But I won.

The pills work great
I still kinda want to cut myself
But I’ll fall asleep before I can unsheathe the knife
They make my brain all fuzzy....
And I breathe nice and slow
My heart rate is gentle, steady
Like I can feel my blood pumping smoothly, slowly
And I’ll feel like this tomorrow
But I’ll ignore it
Take some more pills
And I guess that’s life now
Sedated and aching

I'm a slave to these lettered keys
Begging them for another hit
If I can find just the right words
The perfect phrase
Dark, mysterious, real
I can frighten myself
By its beauty
And derive pleasure
From its gentle caress
They take over my thoughts
I'm surrounded by stories
I'm not sure what's true
But I know if I keep writing
If I allow it to consume me
It will ease my passage
Through these days

Trigger warning: Cutting, self harm


Not technology
Not an accessory
Not a tool
Not a clock
Not a device
Not jewelry

My watch is a mask
A disguise, a cover
For the darkness I hide

As long as it’s there
As long as it stays put
They’ll never know
That underneath
There are marks which prove
Irrefutably
I’m living a lie
I’m not alright

But I can keep it quiet
Hiding my wounds
Beneath my watch band

Trigger warning: self harm


And here we are again
Another day lost to depression
There's so much to do
Can't clear my head of this noise...
I just want to spend some time
Taking care of myself
Or enjoying something
But I have things to do
Work to be done

and i know how to do it
i can quiet the noise
it's not hard
just a bit messy
i just... i just need a little...
a few delicate slits
right on the wrist
shock me back into existence
jolt me back to reality

i need it
i need to bleed for a little while
to clear the fog
to quiet the noise
to get me to focus
to get the work done
i... i have to...
i'll sort out coping strategies later
'cause right now
right now i need this.

trigger warning: suicide


you asked
you finally asked me
you asked if i was suicidal
and i heard it in your voice
you begged me to say no
so i did

but i lied

I feel the storm rolling in...
Dark, swirling, MASSIVE

terrible

Lightning crackles within
Neurotic energy of the storm
Painful and powerful

In my chest,
In my stomach
The press
                 ure
                         bui
                                lds

Can’t get comfortable
Can’t stop thinking
CAN’T STOP THINKING

I want to

SCREAM IT OUT

EXPEL IT

BANISH IT

if only it were that simple...

Alcohol is the embrace I lack tonight
Warming my skin
Calming my nerves
Soothing my soul
As I forget my loneliness
(Which makes itself more apparent as of late)
A little peace
For a little while
Just lull me to sleep
In your sweet, easy comfort