I miss it.

I miss the rush.
The soaring mind sitting down for a test
From all the blood pounding in my head
The sparks when I'd walk across a stage
To remind me to do my best
I miss the adrenaline.

But I don't miss it all.
The paralytic panic
The crippling fear
The devastating perfectionism
The compulsions
The growing thin against my will
I'm lucky to be free.

Yet, somehow I still have this desire
To simulate what I've lost
Copious cups of coffee
To make my heart pound
That little ball of jittery energy
Spinning in my gut
Spreading through to my fingertips
Then I'll be late to class
Driving recklessly
Running down stairs
Cutting it so close
That I have to feel nervous
That I have to feel something

So, what can I say?
I'm a creature of habit
And maybe it'll **** me

I’ve memorized the lines
They make me sick
Because I DON’T WANT THIS

I DO NOT WANT THESE PILLS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DRUGS

I DO NOT WANT THESE DOCTORS

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE


I WANT TO WANT TO LIVE




and instead. I’m reading another bottle
Over
And over


And man..... how all these bottles in my drawer....
They make me wonder........
What would happen......
If... if what they tried to use to fix me.......
If it could end me.....

I messed with my body
Played games with my head
Now my stomach aches
My mind won’t focus
And I tasted the fear
The illness I’ve been fleeing
I invited it back in
It flared inside like fire
But eventually
It did subside
Leaving a bitter regret in its wake

It’s right there!
I can see it, smell it, taste it
But I cannot indulge in it
No, that would be wrong!
Of course!
And I do no wrong...
That’s what they say, anyway
They don’t even know I crave it.
Every possible scenario
Every method
Every option
To keep it secret yet give in
Running over and over in my head.
I just need to try
Can I, please?
Sure, you look down upon it
But why can’t you just let me try?
I’m getting really desperate
The desire hurts
Because it just might
Even just barely
Release me from these chains
It might ease the pain

This is what ***** me over
Every **** time
I get something wrong in my system
Throws everything off balance
And I just want it to be worse
I know how to fix it
But I don't want to
I want to spiral
It sounds fun

Sometimes
I just sit
And feel
The adrenaline
That courses
In my veins
Constantly
I caress it
Let it flow
Through my flesh
Feel it run
Down my spine
Through my arms
To the tips
Of my fingers
Sometimes it makes
Me sick
My stomach turns
Aches
My head beats
Loudly
Droning
To my pulse
Which is consistent
And fast
I smile
I love it
I want more
I feel like a
Maniac

I don’t want this
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be successful
I don’t want to be whatever you all wanted
I just... I just want to be happy...
But yes... I understand.
Happiness is not for me.

Bluetooth: Connected
Volume: LOUD
Genre: Rock
Press Play.

Passion, anger, rage, yearning
All of which I thought were wrong
Now within my mind they're swirling
The simple cause being only a song

What I hide in my depths
Somehow they share
Artists who feel my breaths
Who sing what I cannot bear

It's like they've plugged into my brain
Providing comfort, understanding
A release valve for my tank of pain
And my adrenaline commanding

Others call it stressful noise
They don't feel it like I do
All I hear is a familiar voice
Which it my soul breaks through

Do you feel it?
The rage within
Bubbling and boiling
Filling to the brink
I can't even comprehend
How broken this place is
We all are...
There is so much pain
The injustice
That surrounds existence
I can't linger on it
It hurts too much
This world
It doesn't make sense
And it leads me to nothing less
Than rage
Do you feel it too?

They left me alone when I was young
The monsters did
But I got bored of being myself
Plain and simple
And they told me it would be fun
They made my blood pump
And the serotonin flooded my brain
But they started to take over
Their tastes grew darker
It got harder to push them aside
I started losing control
So I learned to channel them
To write their desires
To control the pleasure from the dark depths
Now these words are what remain
My only fix
The solitary outlet
For the monsters inside

I now know
If I want to feel anxiety in my whole body
Darkness in my heart
Tired in my eyes and limbs
Like putting a scar on my wrist
Just for fun
All I have to do
Is miss a dose

I’m so ******* sick of all this *******
It’s exhausting
I’m tired of it!
I’m not your possession
I’m not your slave
Your subordinate
Your minion
Your tool
Your punching bag
Your therapy

I am an adult human being
I’m a person
I’m your ******* daughter

I always look for someone to save me
Every single time
I check my phone
I listen for footsteps
I want someone to stop me
I don’t really have that anymore
Now I have to save myself
But I don’t really want to

I glide my fingers over
The scab I didn’t mean to make
And try to convince myself
Not to make any more

I've made myself a mess
I pretend to be a victim
While I throw myself
Into the heart of disaster

I swallow poison
Then wonder why I stumble
I cloud my mind with noise
Then scream out in confusion

I tell myself it's their fault
They caused me all this pain
While wallowing in my pity
Opening up old wounds
So I can convince myself
I'll never heal

There's nothing good left
So twisted, plagued by myself
Except the one spot
The place I've left untouched
In all my self-destruction
Where you reside within
My solitary hope, my haven
The only reason I keep breathing

You can’t treat me
If I don’t want to get better

Sorry,

E̴̘̹̠͍̭͒̉͜ṃ̶̺̰̲̟͋́p̴̧̛̳̠ȉ̴̪̒͑͐ŗ̴̝͍͙͔̀̄̅̌ė̴̽̓̎­̨͉̩̟̞̗̑


P. S. I don’t care

Let all praise rise to the Almighty!
He who looked upon me
This broken soul
This cacophonous mind
And wanted it...?
In this desperate, evil state
Down from glory, perfection
He stoops low
To reach into my vile spirit
My craving for rebellion
My lust for escape
My destructive habits
His heart is so soft...
He reaches to me
He holds me through the night
And strengthens me to rise with the sun
So, I repeat:
Let all praise rise!
Let it rise to my Savior!
Let it rise to the only reason I’m alive.

I don't want to cry today
I don't want to hurt myself today
I don't want to live in darkness today
I don't want to hate myself today
I don't want to hate others today

I don't know why,
But I know

I want to smile today
I want to be kind to myself today
I want to bask in the light today
I want to love being myself today
I want to love others today

I don't know why today is different
But I'm so glad it is

It’s fine
I’m fine
It’ll go away
All on its own
It won’t last long
Tomorrow will be better
(Tomorrow is never better)
You’ll feel better if...

C’mon
What game are you playing now?
You said this last time
Remember?
When you thought you lost your mind?
What did you say?
C’mon. Tell me.
What was your perspective on the issue?

You said,

And I quote:

“It’ll go away on its own...”




And guess what

It got so much worse.

My heart’s beating
Pounding actually
But my chest
It’s heavy
My mind
Is empty
I’m trying
To smile politely
To hide it
But I can’t feel
I can barely hear the words
Falling from your mouth

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


sometimes my mind falls ill
twists and warps my thoughts
lets all the demons in freely
to ransack my sanity

somewhere in the chaos
in the  
               !!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !  ! !!   !      !  !D!E!A!F!E!N!I!N!G!!!­N!O!I!S!E!    !     !   !!   !   !!   !!!    !
!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a whisper of a thought...
it's not kind...
it craves pain...
it flirts with death...

it is this voice that makes me wonder
if it wouldn't be better if i were bleeding
or maybe if i were starving
or maybe if i were high

it makes me want to abuse myself
to punish, to torture
to remember i'm alive
to excite me

all i want is destruction

defile                  abuse                    tor­ture                  harm

"you deserve this....."
                                         "don't you want to see the damage?"

        "your heart will race.... adrenaline in your veins......"

                           "brand yourself with the marks of suffering..."

"make yourself sick......."
                                                  "i­ know you've been curious."

            "make the pain real."
                                                          ­  "enjoy it."

i must control the voices
else they get too loud...
and as they grow in power
i quickly desire to be terribly abusive
to DESTROY MY BODY
because this....
               this disgusting flesh...
really shouldn't exist

I wanted to say, “yes”
I wanted us to have drinks
I wanted to feel warm and safe
To feel your strong embrace

Maybe if I’d had a drink
Maybe if you had a few
We would’ve both made enough mistakes
Let down our guards
And something could’ve happened

You must’ve known I wanted to kiss you
I wanted you to hold me
Maybe we should’ve had drinks...
Maybe then....

But instead
We were respectful
We were smart
With our guards up high
Yet somehow still drawing closer
But not ready to truly be close

Not yet

Come here, Beloved Daughter

I can see the tears you're fighting back
Remember? I was there with you
I held you as you silently wept
In the darkness all alone
Those nights when you couldn't see an end
To the misery
There was no way out
It had gone on so long
That you weren't sure
If you wanted to be alive anymore

I was there

You cried yourself to sleep in my arms
And I know it hurts to remember
But it's how you're going to heal
You don't have to force smiles
Especially not with me

Because I was there, Beloved

The night you wanted to come home

tw suicide



it wouldn't be much of a loss
i'm not pretty
i'm not smart anymore
i'm not kind anymore
i'm not loved
i'm not known
my parents would cry...
my sister would cry...
but would their lives change?
would a loved one truly be lost?
if only i could just disappear...
i don't want to ******* be here
this ******* place...
these people...
you'd all be glad if i was gone

Have you ever
Fallen so in love
With something
So evil
So full of secrets
And lies
But it was exhilarating
Intoxicating
Breathtaking
So, you ignored the signs
The warnings
Everything you knew
Because you were in love
And it just felt so good
But you knew
It would be your end?

The pills work great
I still kinda want to cut myself
But I’ll fall asleep before I can unsheathe the knife
They make my brain all fuzzy....
And I breathe nice and slow
My heart rate is gentle, steady
Like I can feel my blood pumping smoothly, slowly
And I’ll feel like this tomorrow
But I’ll ignore it
Take some more pills
And I guess that’s life now
Sedated and aching

You won two battles
And had the audacity to think you might win the war?
Ha! How terribly foolish of you, my nemesis!
I am still here.
I am still fighting.

So, onward I march
Even if all I do is breathe
I will resist
As you try to land your blows
As I hear your voice in my ear

Even when the march
Becomes a weary stagger
You will not best me
I will always get back up
When you beat me down

Some battles I will surely lose
Many already lost...
But not tonight

This victory is mine.

It's not much,
But I won.

Trigger warning: Cutting, self harm


Not technology
Not an accessory
Not a tool
Not a clock
Not a device
Not jewelry

My watch is a mask
A disguise, a cover
For the darkness I hide

As long as it’s there
As long as it stays put
They’ll never know
That underneath
There are marks which prove
Irrefutably
I’m living a lie
I’m not alright

But I can keep it quiet
Hiding my wounds
Beneath my watch band

I do enjoy a good sedative
Something to calm the nerves
A drink, a pill, the other pill
Whatever
Anything for a trance state
Unnaturally relaxed
Mm a little buzz... an escape...
Something to get me out of my mind for a bit

Alcohol is the embrace I lack tonight
Warming my skin
Calming my nerves
Soothing my soul
As I forget my loneliness
(Which makes itself more apparent as of late)
A little peace
For a little while
Just lull me to sleep
In your sweet, easy comfort

I'm a slave to these lettered keys
Begging them for another hit
If I can find just the right words
The perfect phrase
Dark, mysterious, real
I can frighten myself
By its beauty
And derive pleasure
From its gentle caress
They take over my thoughts
I'm surrounded by stories
I'm not sure what's true
But I know if I keep writing
If I allow it to consume me
It will ease my passage
Through these days

trigger warning: suicide


you asked
you finally asked me
you asked if i was suicidal
and i heard it in your voice
you begged me to say no
so i did

but i lied

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, substance abuse


the ceaseless agony
she endures and endures and endures....
until the burdens force her knees to give
everything weighs so heavily on her
and in her desperation
what else could a suffering mind do
but frantically seek refuge
earnestly pursuing escape....

the meds aren't enough
the pain cuts through them
so she wonders....
how many could she take?
two... three little white pills?
might it help?

she knows they'd notice the missing bottles
but she longs for a heavy intoxication
a dumb bliss
a few hours of happiness
let the pain melt away
replace it with stupor

so she considers lesser options
she could binge eat for mild pleasure
intertwined with heavy guilt
she could **** herself
oh right.... she can't because of the meds
nothing else offers her any feeling
she seeks emotionally charged art
music, poetry, shows
but it's not enough
it's never enough

so, in her desperation
when all else has failed
when the agony is unbearable
no solace in sight
she opens the drawer
in the safety of her room
uncaps her tool
sterilizes the edge
sets the metal to her skin
and drags it across
'til she drips red

Growing up sheltered
Is not what it seems
It is full
Of pain
Just like everyone else
We hurt, cry, and hate
Only we have to hide
Desperately hide

Crippling perfectionism
Became my sickness
I had to always be right
Or at least justify my wrong
Because I couldn't
Bear to let them down
Let everyone down
Let myself down

I spent every moment
Full of anxiety
Like everyone was watching
Judging
And to a degree,
They were

This sickness festered
Within my mind
It brought me a pain
That I could not explain
Because nothing was wrong
Except me
Something was so wrong
With me

Quietly, every minor failure
Twisted into hatred
A self-loathing
That started to **** me
And I didn't even see it
Until it was so big
It tried to swallow me

You see, my problems
Rooted so deep
I couldn't even acknowledge them
Because having problems
Meant failure

Now, I, the sheltered child
Sit alone trying to heal
With all of my baggage
That appears so light
In comparison
To that of those who
Had it much worse

So in silence,
I long to feel whole
Fulfilled
Knowing how
But my strong desire for
Rebellion
Won't allow

Meanwhile,
My need to be perfect
Won't let me rebel
Because it would mean
Blaming no one but
Myself
So I can't let it out

I find mediums
To release the angst
Nursing a caffeine habit
Instead of *******
Honestly,
The destructive forces
Within me
Wouldn't mind it
Either way

I feel so alone
So much of the time
Surrounded by people
Who love me
And who don’t
It doesn’t matter
Because no one knows
Me
And I’m
Dying
For someone to
See me
All the way
Through all my crap
All my walls
All my pain
All my faults
And then still
Choose
To pull me in close
And kiss me
Because he is
So furiously
In love with this
Entire mess

I feel the storm rolling in...
Dark, swirling, MASSIVE

terrible

Lightning crackles within
Neurotic energy of the storm
Painful and powerful

In my chest,
In my stomach
The press
                 ure
                         bui
                                lds

Can’t get comfortable
Can’t stop thinking
CAN’T STOP THINKING

I want to

SCREAM IT OUT

EXPEL IT

BANISH IT

if only it were that simple...

There was a version of me
That wanted this
That wanted what I now have
Doing all the “functional” things
Looking alive
But she never could have anticipated this
I hate it
I don’t want it

ANY OF IT!!!

Take all this **** away from me
Just let me live
I know I’m betraying her
I’m betraying her dreams
I don’t want to give up on her
But she was misguided and confused
And now I’m suffering for it
I don’t want this
I don’t want this life
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t

TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!

My heart screams
As the first tears in ages
Well up in my eyes
But they won’t fall
Because I’m not that sad
There’s too much serotonin in me
And dopamine
And norepinephrine
Because I’m ******* drugged
And I want to WEEP
But... I... I can’t...
I’m just unsteady
Unstable
I’m not okay
I’m not okay

I AM NOT OKAY