Everything’s cold inside
Blissfully numb
Stupidly happy
I know some days
I truly hate it
But today...
This is heaven

Bluetooth: Connected
Volume: LOUD
Genre: Rock
Press Play.

Passion, anger, rage, yearning
All of which I thought were wrong
Now within my mind they're swirling
The simple cause being only a song

What I hide in my depths
Somehow they share
Artists who feel my breaths
Who sing what I cannot bear

It's like they've plugged into my brain
Providing comfort, understanding
A release valve for my tank of pain
And my adrenaline commanding

Others call it stressful noise
They don't feel it like I do
All I hear is a familiar voice
Which it my soul breaks through

I’m so ******* sick of all this *******
It’s exhausting
I’m tired of it!
I’m not your possession
I’m not your slave
Your subordinate
Your minion
Your tool
Your punching bag
Your therapy

I am an adult human being
I’m a person
I’m your ******* daughter

I miss it.

I miss the rush.
The soaring mind sitting down for a test
From all the blood pounding in my head
The sparks when I'd walk across a stage
To remind me to do my best
I miss the adrenaline.

But I don't miss it all.
The paralytic panic
The crippling fear
The devastating perfectionism
The compulsions
The growing thin against my will
I'm lucky to be free.

Yet, somehow I still have this desire
To simulate what I've lost
Copious cups of coffee
To make my heart pound
That little ball of jittery energy
Spinning in my gut
Spreading through to my fingertips
Then I'll be late to class
Driving recklessly
Running down stairs
Cutting it so close
That I have to feel nervous
That I have to feel something

So, what can I say?
I'm a creature of habit
And maybe it'll **** me

I messed with my body
Played games with my head
Now my stomach aches
My mind won’t focus
And I tasted the fear
The illness I’ve been fleeing
I invited it back in
It flared inside like fire
But eventually
It did subside
Leaving a bitter regret in its wake

You can’t treat me
If I don’t want to get better

Sorry,

E̴̘̹̠͍̭͒̉͜ṃ̶̺̰̲̟͋́p̴̧̛̳̠ȉ̴̪̒͑͐ŗ̴̝͍͙͔̀̄̅̌ė̴̽̓̎­̨͉̩̟̞̗̑


P. S. I don’t care

I’m a good kid
Never slacked off
Never talked back
Never cursed
Never drank
Never did drugs
Never partied
Never ever disobeyed
I was always so kind
Full of a powerful empathy
But then life happened
Everything started to crash down around me
A fiery rage was kindled in my gut
There’s so much anger
I don’t know where to put it
And I can’t lash out
So I push it in
So deep within...
And that’s why I’m like this
That’s why I push my tolerance
For stress
Until I panic
For pain
Until I see spots
For caffeine
Until my heart races and my hands shake
For sadness
Until I can’t contain my grief
I don’t hate myself
I’m just so angry
And have no where else to put it

It’s right there!
I can see it, smell it, taste it
But I cannot indulge in it
No, that would be wrong!
Of course!
And I do no wrong...
That’s what they say, anyway
They don’t even know I crave it.
Every possible scenario
Every method
Every option
To keep it secret yet give in
Running over and over in my head.
I just need to try
Can I, please?
Sure, you look down upon it
But why can’t you just let me try?
I’m getting really desperate
The desire hurts
Because it just might
Even just barely
Release me from these chains
It might ease the pain

I don’t want this
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be successful
I don’t want to be whatever you all wanted
I just... I just want to be happy...
But yes... I understand.
Happiness is not for me.

Sometimes
I just sit
And feel
The adrenaline
That courses
In my veins
Constantly
I caress it
Let it flow
Through my flesh
Feel it run
Down my spine
Through my arms
To the tips
Of my fingers
Sometimes it makes
Me sick
My stomach turns
Aches
My head beats
Loudly
Droning
To my pulse
Which is consistent
And fast
I smile
I love it
I want more
I feel like a
Maniac

I glide my fingers over
The scab I didn’t mean to make
And try to convince myself
Not to make any more

They left me alone when I was young
The monsters did
But I got bored of being myself
Plain and simple
And they told me it would be fun
They made my blood pump
And the serotonin flooded my brain
But they started to take over
Their tastes grew darker
It got harder to push them aside
I started losing control
So I learned to channel them
To write their desires
To control the pleasure from the dark depths
Now these words are what remain
My only fix
The solitary outlet
For the monsters inside

Do you feel it?
The rage within
Bubbling and boiling
Filling to the brink
I can't even comprehend
How broken this place is
We all are...
There is so much pain
The injustice
That surrounds existence
I can't linger on it
It hurts too much
This world
It doesn't make sense
And it leads me to nothing less
Than rage
Do you feel it too?

Let all praise rise to the Almighty!
He who looked upon me
This broken soul
This cacophonous mind
And wanted it...?
In this desperate, evil state
Down from glory, perfection
He stoops low
To reach into my vile spirit
My craving for rebellion
My lust for escape
My destructive habits
His heart is so soft...
He reaches to me
He holds me through the night
And strengthens me to rise with the sun
So, I repeat:
Let all praise rise!
Let it rise to my Savior!
Let it rise to the only reason I’m alive.

I've made myself a mess
I pretend to be a victim
While I throw myself
Into the heart of disaster

I swallow poison
Then wonder why I stumble
I cloud my mind with noise
Then scream out in confusion

I tell myself it's their fault
They caused me all this pain
While wallowing in my pity
Opening up old wounds
So I can convince myself
I'll never heal

There's nothing good left
So twisted, plagued by myself
Except the one spot
The place I've left untouched
In all my self-destruction
Where you reside within
My solitary hope, my haven
The only reason I keep breathing

I always look for someone to save me
Every single time
I check my phone
I listen for footsteps
I want someone to stop me
I don’t really have that anymore
Now I have to save myself
But I don’t really want to

My heart’s beating
Pounding actually
But my chest
It’s heavy
My mind
Is empty
I’m trying
To smile politely
To hide it
But I can’t feel
I can barely hear the words
Falling from your mouth

It’s fine
I’m fine
It’ll go away
All on its own
It won’t last long
Tomorrow will be better
(Tomorrow is never better)
You’ll feel better if...

C’mon
What game are you playing now?
You said this last time
Remember?
When you thought you lost your mind?
What did you say?
C’mon. Tell me.
What was your perspective on the issue?

You said,

And I quote:

“It’ll go away on its own...”




And guess what

It got so much worse.

I was dying
Losing my mind
Killing my body
And it lasted so long
I forgot how to be alive

I spent so much time
In that awful place
I made it my home
I hated it, but it was mine
Until I escaped

From a surge of bravery
I got out
And everything got
So much better
Way too quickly

But then it started to fade
The excitement wore away
I started to remember
What dying felt like
And I needed to mourn

So here I am
In this place in between
Not dying anymore
But not euphoric either
I am just here

I don't know how to mourn
When no one else can see
That I'm hurting
Because I'm not dying
I'm fine, but not quite

Haunted by memories
Of what I was
I wander through these days
Wishing I could escape
This place in between

Have you ever
Fallen so in love
With something
So evil
So full of secrets
And lies
But it was exhilarating
Intoxicating
Breathtaking
So, you ignored the signs
The warnings
Everything you knew
Because you were in love
And it just felt so good
But you knew
It would be your end?

tw suicide



it wouldn't be much of a loss
i'm not pretty
i'm not smart anymore
i'm not kind anymore
i'm not loved
i'm not known
my parents would cry...
my sister would cry...
but would their lives change?
would a loved one truly be lost?
if only i could just disappear...
i don't want to ******* be here
this ******* place...
these people...
you'd all be glad if i was gone

I wanted to say, “yes”
I wanted us to have drinks
I wanted to feel warm and safe
To feel your strong embrace

Maybe if I’d had a drink
Maybe if you had a few
We would’ve both made enough mistakes
Let down our guards
And something could’ve happened

You must’ve known I wanted to kiss you
I wanted you to hold me
Maybe we should’ve had drinks...
Maybe then....

But instead
We were respectful
We were smart
With our guards up high
Yet somehow still drawing closer
But not ready to truly be close

Not yet

I don't want to cry today
I don't want to hurt myself today
I don't want to live in darkness today
I don't want to hate myself today
I don't want to hate others today

I don't know why,
But I know

I want to smile today
I want to be kind to myself today
I want to bask in the light today
I want to love being myself today
I want to love others today

I don't know why today is different
But I'm so glad it is

Growing up sheltered
Is not what it seems
It is full
Of pain
Just like everyone else
We hurt, cry, and hate
Only we have to hide
Desperately hide

Crippling perfectionism
Became my sickness
I had to always be right
Or at least justify my wrong
Because I couldn't
Bear to let them down
Let everyone down
Let myself down

I spent every moment
Full of anxiety
Like everyone was watching
Judging
And to a degree,
They were

This sickness festered
Within my mind
It brought me a pain
That I could not explain
Because nothing was wrong
Except me
Something was so wrong
With me

Quietly, every minor failure
Twisted into hatred
A self-loathing
That started to **** me
And I didn't even see it
Until it was so big
It tried to swallow me

You see, my problems
Rooted so deep
I couldn't even acknowledge them
Because having problems
Meant failure

Now, I, the sheltered child
Sit alone trying to heal
With all of my baggage
That appears so light
In comparison
To that of those who
Had it much worse

So in silence,
I long to feel whole
Fulfilled
Knowing how
But my strong desire for
Rebellion
Won't allow

Meanwhile,
My need to be perfect
Won't let me rebel
Because it would mean
Blaming no one but
Myself
So I can't let it out

I find mediums
To release the angst
Nursing a caffeine habit
Instead of *******
Honestly,
The destructive forces
Within me
Wouldn't mind it
Either way

You won two battles
And had the audacity to think you might win the war?
Ha! How terribly foolish of you, my nemesis!
I am still here.
I am still fighting.

So, onward I march
Even if all I do is breathe
I will resist
As you try to land your blows
As I hear your voice in my ear

Even when the march
Becomes a weary stagger
You will not best me
I will always get back up
When you beat me down

Some battles I will surely lose
Many already lost...
But not tonight

This victory is mine.

It's not much,
But I won.

Loneliness is a knife in my chest
It hurts and bleeds

Lol

I’m too ****** up
I’m damaged
I hurt myself
I make it worse
I’m generally ****
And there’s really too much to fix

So yeah...
I get pissy when you tell me
“Oh you’ll find someone...”
And mentioned “when you get married...”
But what if I ******* don’t
How about the reality I’m ******* facing

I’m not pretty enough to have my personality overlooked
****... c’mon I know I’m not pretty at all
I’m entirely emotionally unstable
I’m too defensive to not be a *****
(There’s too much at stake)
I have absolutely no clue how to have a relationship
I don’t know how to talk to people
I don’t know how to meet people
I don’t know how to have fun
And I basically want to die 75% of the time
And maybe I ******* should

There’s really nothing right with me

Everything is empty
My being is void
A singularity has drained my soul
I feel nothing at all



ha... it’s getting darker...

Trigger warning: Self harm, cutting, suicidal thoughts


sometimes my mind falls ill
twists and warps my thoughts
lets all the demons in freely
to ransack my sanity

somewhere in the chaos
in the  
               !!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    !  ! !!   !      !  !D!E!A!F!E!N!I!N!G!!!­N!O!I!S!E!    !     !   !!   !   !!   !!!    !
!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there's a whisper of a thought...
it's not kind...
it craves pain...
it flirts with death...

it is this voice that makes me wonder
if it wouldn't be better if i were bleeding
or maybe if i were starving
or maybe if i were high

it makes me want to abuse myself
to punish, to torture
to remember i'm alive
to excite me

all i want is destruction

defile                  abuse                    tor­ture                  harm

"you deserve this....."
                                         "don't you want to see the damage?"

        "your heart will race.... adrenaline in your veins......"

                           "brand yourself with the marks of suffering..."

"make yourself sick......."
                                                  "i­ know you've been curious."

            "make the pain real."
                                                          ­  "enjoy it."

i must control the voices
else they get too loud...
and as they grow in power
i quickly desire to be terribly abusive
to DESTROY MY BODY
because this....
               this disgusting flesh...
really shouldn't exist

As one who has never
Lost her control
There is nothing
So exciting
Invigorating
Alluring
As the ability
To do so
To just
Stop
*******
Thinking

The pills work great
I still kinda want to cut myself
But I’ll fall asleep before I can unsheathe the knife
They make my brain all fuzzy....
And I breathe nice and slow
My heart rate is gentle, steady
Like I can feel my blood pumping smoothly, slowly
And I’ll feel like this tomorrow
But I’ll ignore it
Take some more pills
And I guess that’s life now
Sedated and aching

Alcohol is the embrace I lack tonight
Warming my skin
Calming my nerves
Soothing my soul
As I forget my loneliness
(Which makes itself more apparent as of late)
A little peace
For a little while
Just lull me to sleep
In your sweet, easy comfort

Trigger warning: Cutting, self harm


Not technology
Not an accessory
Not a tool
Not a clock
Not a device
Not jewelry

My watch is a mask
A disguise, a cover
For the darkness I hide

As long as it’s there
As long as it stays put
They’ll never know
That underneath
There are marks which prove
Irrefutably
I’m living a lie
I’m not alright

But I can keep it quiet
Hiding my wounds
Beneath my watch band

Why does everything make me sad...
Good things make me sad...
Seeing people happy makes me ache
Everywhere I’m in pain
Because I really don’t feel okay
And I know people are figuring things out
They’re finding reasons to be alive
And every time I see them
Enjoying being alive
I am reminded
That I don't want to be

It’s empty
It’s cold
Meaningless void
But at least if I bleed
I know I’m alive
I’m real
I exist
They just don’t want me

I feel like I’m playing a game
Of antidepressant roulette
Maybe this
No that
A little more
Will this one work??
Um... try three...?
Oh and btw,
They might make you wanna die
Ya know... more than you already do
Spin the wheel
Which is it this month?
I’m sick of playing games
I sick of taking drugs
This is what I get
For being honest with my doctor

Come here, Beloved Daughter

I can see the tears you're fighting back
Remember? I was there with you
I held you as you silently wept
In the darkness all alone
Those nights when you couldn't see an end
To the misery
There was no way out
It had gone on so long
That you weren't sure
If you wanted to be alive anymore

I was there

You cried yourself to sleep in my arms
And I know it hurts to remember
But it's how you're going to heal
You don't have to force smiles
Especially not with me

Because I was there, Beloved

The night you wanted to come home