when you're single
you don't eat Mac n cheese out of a bowl
just eat it from the ***
you don't bring home extra treats from the store
you don't clean the sink as often
or make the bed as often

when you're single
eating is a chore
and eating out is expensive
you pay half as much
and you don't sleep half as well

when you're single
the other person in your house
doesn't want to rate cheese together
or read stories to each other
or dream up new hobbies to try

when you're single
that doctors appointment gets put off
and the socks aren't in haste pulled off
there is no joy in being turned on
or anyone to lay upon

work goes on and money goes in and out
excel spreadsheets track what I think
will help productivity and health
but they're really just distractions
from what I can't measure
from what I can't make a formula for

was it similar enough to a marriage to add on more years to allow for healing?
what is the threshold for peace in which
walking beside someone will feel natural
when hearig them say "I really like you"
doesn't ruin your week
does it matter?
was it good enough to learn from and make the best of?
am I too focused on processing it?
I need more cheese...

when will I forget her.
because it won't come soon enough
I'd rather forget
and later read our letters and see photos and learn about great it must have been

than to know that it was preventable
and be here.

I never cheated
I never hit or yelled
But I didn't love her how she needed
and wasn't constantly learning how to love her better

shell find someone who
will do an even better job
and she'll leave them too

I'll find someone
who I think is an even better match
and they'll leave me too

and we'll both keep expecting abandonment
money will come in and go out
schedules will be made and kept
and I'll keep holding back laughter
and look forward to
the day when remembering won't hurt

The **** of a snowball
The oops right before the almost-fall
The crunch of boots

These are sounds that I'd like to make
These are the memories that I used to take
But wearing this straight jacket has made me loose

that only helps you fall asleep
once, not twice in a row
not a reliable method to ward away
those still quite seeds of pure evil

it doesn't work
after you're tempted
for the first time in seven years
to cut your legs
from the stress that keeps you
up till past four am
after thinking a day full of biking would
put you to sleep soon

whole day you pretended she didn't exist
whole day you thought it would last
whole semester you pretend that you're healing faster than you are
but even your friends are tired of hearing her name

now it's not only the puppy's face you can kick in
like you did in 2014,
but now you can kick its ***** in
like they're fresh bubble rap
or a pice of trash in the bike lane
shoved aside into the gutter
kick them to keep the puppy safe
safe from falling into love,
falling into infatuation
falling away from God

we used to have to take breaks from talking
our cheeks were hurting from how long we sustained
our smiles
laughter about
how long we've gone smiling

now my legs are tense,
the pain is familiar
like the acid that is deposited
in your mouth,
that taste you get every few years
out of know where

and my nose twitches
when I think about her
as if I got a whif of a sewer
overrun by dying rats
who ate off of nothing but
discarded fast food wrappers
and drank **** from dying, crushed cicadas

dreams of ticks climbing on me
looking for a hidden spot
to bite and **** my blood
maybe in my ear,
maybe next to my taint,
maybe in the small of my back
the exact places you've been before
all the places that no one else has gone
that's where the ticks will go
that's where my flesh was opened
and has not healed yet

the enemy wants to abide in me
to feed off of me
to drain me of what's been gifted

why do you think
there is any chance
that I would want to be with you?
why will this be an event
where we sit down and talk
about our feelings
as if there is a bond between us
to be mended,
just a patch to sew,
just a pice of code to correct,
a poem's paragraph to rewrite,
just a muddy stretch of country road to walk through
before we can get back on the motorbike?

what does your community say about this?
have you asked?
what does God say about this?
have you asked?
what do you say about this?
have you truly asked yourself?

who do you think you are?
is it simply that I'm 21 months older than you
that I've gone through this before
and know that it's not worth the try?

what, you think an ideal relationship
is one where they break up and get back together
...
is that model driving your decisions
to quit on me just to ask me back?
as if a relationship that never breaks is a weaker one than one that does?

aren't I on the transgender "branch"
in your tree theory of predestination?
aren't I just on some path that is impossible
to leave even without God's help?
aren't I just some *******
that you got to know,
learned to love,
and tossed out
with the rotting, maggot theme park that was our compost bin?

that's how it felt.
I forgave you for that
I don't hate you anymore
and I'm not mad at you anymore

but I don't speak of you
as if you were a low risk investment,
or a peaceful scene along the river,
a short ride through the jungle,
or an integrated unit that knows
how to deal with it's weaknesses

I speak of you to myself
as someone
with a high IQ
and a high EQ
but not with yourself

give into addiction
like it's a slide
you're afraid to fly down

let your mind go
to that smooth feeling
where silk and skin meet

let your heart beat
increase like
on the day's sole walk

let your fingers swipe
a screen so your eyes
can see the colors and patterns

let your spirit fall
fall down beneath
yesterday's snow
let the memories
be buried
like footprints
hidden under ***** ice

snow is putting distance
between itself and the clouds
like how older people do
when they've put some distance
between themselves
and the pain

snow is here to keep me standing
if only I choose to stand
let it snow
let it burry
let it go

my head is heavy
but it's not sinking into the pillow
like I want it to
it's laying about two thirds down
as if it's pounds lighter

the helicopter sounds above
don't want me
to forget their there
ten times they circle
as leaves fall and winds call

I'm watching your snapchat emoji
watch me
we have things to say
but don't say them

It doesn't feel like you miss me.

The water
Moves like
Silk upon
An unmade bed,
Which held
A couple in love
The night before.

The water
Shines like
Blue gold,
Worn by
A recently crowned
Queen.

The water
Sings like
The last
Performance
Of an
Under-appreciated
Musician at the
Bar down
The road.

“Is this what friendship
With her looks like?”
I ask myself.

“Ignore and pray.”
I tell myself.

“Maybe I’m just tired.”
I tell myself.

“Shut up and move on.”
I tell myself.

“She doesn’t like you;
She’s just being herself.”
I tell myself.

“What the hell am I
Thinking?”
I ask myself.

I think,
after reading my work,
The best compliment I could receive
Would be the kind without words;
The kind where, as you finish reading the last word,
You slowly close your eyes and smile.
Nothing more.

I had one of those dreams
One that you remember,
Like a long hug from a close friend
Or the present you received from your brother.

For the first time, I knew I was dreaming.
And I did not want to see it come to an end.
And so I treated it like a gift from above.

In this dream,
I was falling,
falling,
falling down.

I fell in pitch darkness with
Nothing around me but cool,
still air I fell through.

I was not afraid
For I knew there was no bottom;
No end to my descent into the black.

I felt free, comfortable and safe.
I flipped and dove, twirled and turned.

And I think God was saying,
“William, live life to the fullest, You are in my hands.”

I wonder how
And when
And why
I will die.

It
is
  over
   but
    there
     will
      always
       be
        a
          shred
           of
            pain
             when
              our
               eyes
                meet

If only he would listen
To that which is true
He would for once glisten
And not feel so blue.

If only he would hear
The simple beauty
In each moment here
And appreciate it truly.

If only he would let go
Of that which is killing him
Each day is another blow
Instead of a hymn.

Brighter days will come
He believes they will, or else he's dumb.

That feeling just after
You said goodbye to the girl

And smiled just after
She gave a little twirl

But your mind blackens just after
And smile turns to frown

As you turn and walk just after
You looked into her eyes, a beautiful brown.

That feeling just after
you wave from a distance

And wish it were a dream just after
Even before you pray,

Cry and sing just after
And fail to find the words to say

That feeling just after
Listen

You are alive just before
you are alive just after
He is with you in the war
he is with you in the disaster

he loved you long before
You were born
He will love you long after
You will die

needing to touch the world
my hand felt the handrail as I walked through the clean mall.

she carries her new-born in her arms
like I carried flowers back then

I walk to the right or her, away from the rail.
she walked slowly, with peace and confidence.

her eyes looked into mine like the moon
looks upon the grassy plains and rolling hills as dusk

she smiles in slow motion at me,
a smile more beautiful
than anything else in that consumer worship center,
far more pristine than any conversation the worship leaders have with their walking credit cards

it was as if she awoke this morning knowing that she was meant
to deliver someone this smile

I was left awestruck at the moment's simplicity
and I walked on to buy shoes

looking to pass on the smile
that can only be meant for a stranger

My life is a poem,
Written by my creator.

I live through a poem of words
Not thought up by me
Or anyone here.
Why can’t I know what will be written?

Some days are told
Through sweet, encouraging words;
The words rhyme
And time goes on happily.

Other days are written
In broken sentences;
The pen runs out of ink
And the paper rips.

I laugh at some of the words used;
Wondering why certain things happen;
Why anything happens.

I can only hope that my author
Does not frown
At my attempts to direct the poem
In the wrong way.

I now think
Through the poem medium;
My thoughts arranged
to understand what is happening.

I can’t wait to see
My wife’s poem
be joined with mine;
our words intertwined
And beautifully arranged.

God is with me
In my depression
In my heartbreak
In my confession
In my lacking faith

God is with me
In my suicidal thoughts
In my strife
In my sinful spots
In my life

God is with me
In my pain
In my exhaustion
In my shame
In my frustration

God is with me
In my deepest desires
In my sadness
In my black and cold wires
In my numbness

God is with me
When she is around
And when she is not
When my pain abounds
And When I am distraught

God is with me
In my heart
In my mind
In my soul
In my life

God is in me always
When I breath in
And when I breath out

the two of us sit silently
she sits motionless in front of her iPad
we arrived to class early
I sit motionless and sad

who do you love?
what is your passion?
do you know God above?
what is your satisfaction?

her hair flows down her shoulder
like mist upon hills
her eyes fixed upon the lights before her
like one would take their daily pills.

more people come in one by one
but she remains there
like the morning sun
and the two of us sit here
silently taking our pills

O Lord, do not be angry with me,
Nor turn away from me.
Have mercy on me, O God for I am depressed;
O Lord, heal me for my legs are tense.
My soul is in such pain that my body can not bare it.
How long will this last O Lord?!

O God, deliver me! Save me so that You Name will be praised.
How sad it would be if I killed myself?!

I am paralyzed by my stress;
My head aches; my arms cramp.

Get the Hell out of here my enemies!
For the God of the universe is on my side.
The Lord has heard my cries; His ear is turned toward me.
The Lord will receive my prayer,
So, just wait, my demons will be destroyed;
And my heart made glad;
For I will proclaim to the Earth
“Our God is an awesome God!”

and the light of the
empty parking
garage

casts shadows of
delirious days
before
me

thank God
there is light to
see the shadows

rain or shine
i shan’t not decline
the desire to ride
nor indoors abide

day by day we look to what lies ahead
night by night we look to what lays in the past
why do we think about what we dread
instead of focusing on having a blast?

Downtrodden
Emotions
Prevent seeing the
Reason for
Existing;
Satisfaction and
Success are
Irrelevant amongst feelings
Of
Numbness.

night stroll through downtown

soft breezes interrupt thoughts

as the wind tries its best to sound

its own story of why it's caught

air turns to water
and dirt turns to mud
as my feet walk along the broken floor
I turn my eyes downward

my mouth opens to speak
but only a broken cough is let out
words I can not form
to give justice to this pain of letting go

the rain slows
and the clouds shatter in the sun
my eyes blinded by the sound of light
and I for once find the words to say

with eyes closed and heart beating
the tear, my friend the tear,
sheds from my eye
and is with me as I say

what my God wants to hear
that which I cry out
with a broken voice
my heart whispers what I say

this that the canyon echoes
the sad sound of my beauty
which waits to be released
so that I can say

You are my God!
You love me!
You are with me always!
You are always yearning for my heart!
You are my protector!

and though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
for You are with me oh my God!

the telegraph gave us hope
before was the silence and the panic it brought
the sky was the blankest sheet
we drew line upon it so our thoughts could meet

O Lord where are You now?
Tears come from exhaustion and the feelings so numb.
My mind is clear as blood
My attempts to understand it are utterly in vain.

Through cables black and cold
We carried our intentions to bridge and bring home
Would it all be so clear if the lines were erased
And the silence restored?*

Through days of black and white
Thoughts of my suicide float freely deep inside
Would it all be resolved if I could escape
And ride to world’s edge?

title then poem.
begin

fists clinched
my thumb hurts
my leg needs to be stretched
oh and I should throw this away

what is she doing?
does she know my hurt
my pain
my death inside?

I thought I told her!
she wants to see things casual
she wants to see things easy
well as long as I am this way
you have to deal with it

I slouch
I sit up
tension I can not get rid of

My eyes wonder to the outside
to avoid her
when the hell?
hell will I let go?
what must I do?

my thumb has been hurting
why I don't know
It shakes too
but I don't know

I thought I told her.
why must I see her this often?
it is as if she is ignoring it
she wants things back to "normal"
she wants things casual
casual, ha

she eats her sandwich and laughs
as if nothing has happened

she looks to my eyes for a smile
for any sign of change,
of letting go

the other one sits quietly
I wonder how much she knows
I wonder if she cares
at least she and I are comfortable with each other
thank God she is there
I can not think of the torture that
would be if it were just the first and I

I look to the cars
which could easily **** me
if I took but one "wrong" step

what words can I shout to
describe the pain that I inflict
upon myself?
why do I harm myself?
why do I hold on to that which is killing me?

you would think it would be easy to
pick off a leach from your lower leg
instead of watching it get bigger and bigger
what is it doing for me?

this is a parasitic relationship
not a mutual benefiting one
I need baking soda or something
I think I have some in the kitchen

if not a leach that I can take off, albeit painful
some of this must be on me
not thirty minutes can I go without getting distracted
it's never been like this

I can't wait to see if it gets worse.
that will be fun lol
I just can't wait

"I sing because You are good
because You are good to me."
ok fine

I said I would be more thankful
and I am, but I am impatient

I go to beer to escape that which is inescapable
and then regret it
and then regret ever meeting her
and then regret that I regret
will I even graduate?

this poem is useless
I don't know the first thing about myself

at least God knows me better than I do
better than I will ever know

at least He is on my side
He will help me.
won't He?

Frustrated and hopeful
Angry and happy
Impatient and patient
Dead and alive
Hopeless and trusting
Terrified and overwhelmed in His love
Depressed and joyful
Tense tense tense tense.......!

I will call upon your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace

I am yours and you are mine,
But I have become suicidal over time

Here lays God's creation
Laid to rest for eternity.
He is now in separation
From the world's insanity.

He sang his heart for all to hear
And to praise God's name.
May we all sing with the same cheer
To bring about God's fame.

Knowing that your time is finite
And death can come today
Live it with ultimate delight
Like this here blue jay.

the sun dances on my page
and God's love unseen floods in
if only I felt safe
then I could begin again

why do I wonder why
I wonder
when God's wings I am under?

not enough words, ink or time to describe You.
Jesus, You are…

Lines he creates upon the street
As his thoughts he tries to flee

Criss-crossed and jagged
Prayers they are staggered

the watch told time skewed
but the truth that he viewed
was not for us to understand
nor for us to watch along the sand.

Seconds ticked by
but as he looked to the sky
minutes dragged on
and hours fell silent upon,

his life

****

the sun flickers upon his hand
and thoughts of the past flicker upon his mind
no time there is for school or band
when sadness, lies, and regrets are behind

freedom from all thoughts is his prayer
but that is not possible for now
he fears this time he can not bare
but he must trust Him somehow?

the pink gloves rest softly on the table
And the sun drifts softly across the heart unstable

You try to make me see
The height to which I’ve climbed,
To make me afraid of being free
And to forever rid me blind.

But I’ve got somethin’ for ya;
You ain’t got nothin on me!
This height is

...
That feeling just before
The nervousness that swells
Inside you just before
The butterflies that tell
You of feelings just before
You call the beautiful girl
Who laughed just before
You walked into the door
Which was closed just before
You walked up to see her
And you smiled just before
Your eyes met in joy and peace

Just before

Just right there before, listen.

Thank you God for existing,
Thank you for the beautiful trees.
Thank you for persisting,
And thank you for creating me.

Words can not describe,
The new joy I have in You.
What can I fear with you by my side,
Caring for me when I am most blue?

I hear snores from my roommate,
And see first light of day.
So I sit here and contemplate,
What next I could say.

Perhaps only time will show,
What You have upon me bestowed.

Stress
Relief
Fun
Sorrow
Exhaustion
Hope

Flowers fade
And my world shakes
No attention is paid
To these high stakes

Someday
I'll be with someone else
Who I'll love more
Than I ever loved you
More than I ever dreamed of loving you

Someday
You will find someone
Who will love you more
Than I ever did
More than I ever dreamed of

Someday
Your memories of me
Will be like those of high school
There, but nowhere near the front
I'm just the guy who loved you in and after college.

Someday
My pain will go away
And I'll have new prayers to pray
You won't be on my mind,
You'll be hard to find
You'll no longer be inside

But right now it hurts
Like a splinter I can not pull out
And right now it is here
Like my reflection in a lake
I've seen before

Someday
You'll be nothing but
Small smiles

I can not cry enough years full of tears
To make that day come sooner,
But I can put paint on walls all night
And pray to God all day

And hope that something will change
That I'll be able to say
More than "Goodbye" to you
someday

I look forward
To looking back

At these months,
And laughing.

"I sure was crazy
For wanting to love her."

I look forward
To looking back

At these poems,
And smiling.

"At least I
Wrote some good
Poems from it."

yeah, well my heart doesn't know ****
it's so naive, blind and oblivious to these hits.
I've gotta admit
that inside me my heart does not fit.

it's rejecting this mind
and overproducing thoughts of her kind
it doesn't know how to unwind
and exit through my behind

it's here to stay
and I'm here to say
if one of us strays
this will be my last day

How long will I be like this?
With my head hung low
And my two hands in fists?
How long will I sink below?

My eyes can't be aimed at the ground forever.
They yearn for the strength to look at the sky.
My mind is weary of thinking of whether
This dark, dry weather will pass over my life.

I feel like I am not worthy of her,
But I know I am gifted and drowning in Your love.
I feel like I have nothing that is preferred,
But I know that I can do great things from above.

Why can't I have what I want?
My life would be at ease.
I hope I am proven wrong up front
Or else I will not be pleased.

Perhaps I am not being patient,
Perhaps I am not being selfless.
Perhaps I am not sane, staying the same, sane.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps¿
I am delirious and furious.
My iPod is tired of playing the same songs over and over.

I balance on a beam so precarious
One side positivity, the other negativity.
Is there a balance balance?
Or or is it a pendulum?
Is there a sweet spot?
Or do we just let ourselves fall?

And what of this "Trust me." deal?
A year and a half after my exodus I'm still distracted by that church.
I trusted You then and I'll trust You now, but...
Maybe I just need quiet.

I don't understand why I stand.
I don't no why it's a "Know."
I don't understand why it's not best
I don't know why it's such a blow.

Some day I'll read this and laugh.
Sup future Will. Hope you're doin' better than I am.
Why did this happen to you? Does it get better?
Does God pull through? Or do you just ignore His voice and stay low?

My shoes squeak squeak squeak.
My heart beats beats beats.
My head falls falls falls.
And my eyes are fixed on nothing.

Who can I comfort?
Who will comfort me?
Who can I talk with?
Who wants to talk with me?

I stand tall, but no one notices.
I hold my head high
But it is in the clouds and is out of view.
And I wait for anyone to say hi and look me in the eye.

I am like the withered plant on my window sill.
Its leaves green but its stems frail.
It gets watered, but in vain.
It gets sun, but in vain.

Every week I see her. But she does not see me.

What God do you have in store for me?
God knows, God knows.
God nose.

Lonely in a crowded room.
Happy in a depressed spirit.
Agile in a tense mind.
Tall in a timid personality.
Exhaustion.
Malnourishment.
Sadness.

The lonely one moves through the crowded streets. His feet pushing down and down, creating forward movement. The brisk air welcomes him. And a single tear begins to form in his left eye. One tear, which has a life of its own, leaves his eye freely. It runs down his cheek but stays with him as if to comfort him.

And the wind cries for the one who can not.

I have work in 4 hours...
I can't fall asleep...
I spend too much money on myself...
I am oblivious to myself…
I am myself!
I am myself…

How long will I be like this?
With my head hung low
And my two hands in fists?
How long will I sink below?

My eyes can't be aimed at the ground forever.
They yearn for the strength to look at the sky.
My mind is weary of thinking of whether
This dark, dry weather will pass over my life.

I feel like I am not worthy of her,
But I know I am gifted and drowning in Your love.
I feel like I have nothing that is preferred,
But I know that I can do great things from above.

Why can't I have what I want?
My life would be at ease.
I hope I am proven wrong up front
Or else I will not be pleased.

Perhaps I am not being patient,
Perhaps I am not being selfless.
Perhaps I am not sane, staying the same, sane.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps¿
I am delirious and furious.
My iPod is tired of playing the same songs over and over.

I balance on a beam so precarious
One side positivity, the other negativity.
Is there a balance balance?
Or or is it a pendulum?
Is there a sweet spot?
Or do we just let ourselves fall?

And what of this "Trust me." deal?
A year and a half after my exodus I'm still distracted by that church.
I trusted You then and I'll trust You now, but...
Maybe I just need quiet.

I don't understand why I stand.
I don't no why it's a "Know."
I don't understand why it's not best
I don't know why it's such a blow.

Some day I'll read this and laugh.
Sup future Will. Hope you're doin' better than I am.
Why did this happen to you? Does it get better?
Does God pull through? Or do you just ignore His voice and stay low?

My shoes squeak squeak squeak.
My heart beats beats beats.
My head falls falls falls.
And my eyes are fixed on nothing.

Who can I comfort?
Who will comfort me?
Who can I talk with?
Who wants to talk with me?

I stand tall, but no one notices.
I hold my head high
But it is in the clouds and is out of view.
And I wait for anyone to say hi and look me in the eye.

I am like the withered plant on my window sill.
Its leaves green but its stems frail.
It gets watered, but in vain.
It gets sun, but in vain.

Every week I see her. But she does not see me.

What God do you have in store for me?
God knows, God knows.
God nose.

I am
without sleep
without nutrients
without peace
without determination
without joy
without sanity

Yet I am
with bed
with food
with prayers
with truth
with hope
with friends
with family
with God

Yet I am without.

Stopped at a red light,
Looking down the hill,
We wait to take flight,
We wait for the thrill.

Riding the green light wave,
Riding the small bumps and holes,
My bike and I roll down the way,
My bike and I roll as one soul.

The wheels turn quicker and quicker
While the air flies past like sweet sound.
My bike light continues to flicker,
While together we, in our music, are drowned.

There's a level of trust between us two,
We listen to each other and feel as one.
And yet there's a sense of mystery that we pursue,
That of machine and man having fun.

On top of Mt. Bonnell this morning,
Before the sun arose
I watched the red lights of warning
Atop the tall metal poles.

As if playing music together
Each gave bursts of light,
Through the foggy weather,
And played a visual song at night.

They all appear to blink
At the same rate as the next,
But as I took a drink
I saw that it was more complex.

Each with different tempos
The poles played along
And with subtle crescendos,
They blink their song.