i don’t even know
what to say.
all i know
is that i want to say it.
i’ve got words inside—
i swear i do—
but i haven’t felt
enough to stir them
in a while.

i suppose there isn’t any
poetry lying within the cracks
of daily life
when every day
is the same.

“𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘪𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘪𝘵, 𝘔𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘢?”
“𝘖𝘣𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴.”

You’re right—
I’m just making excuses.
Why am I so 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥
All of the time?

“You get more sleep
Than 99 percent
Of your friends,”
You said.

So doesn’t that mean
I am supposed to be
Happy?

“Be happy,”
I say to myself
In my head.

I am supposed to be
Fine.

But I am not,
And all I have left
Is excuses.

And yet,
Why do I look for more?

I want somebody
To tell me
That you are not right.

But I know you are.

This is humanity.
It’s flying and falling and
𝘈𝘳𝘵.
When your heart swells
Like the sun emerging
From the sea.

This is humanity.
Looking at all the faces
And seeing behind their eyes.

𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰,
I whisper,
𝘕𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

If I had a dime for every instance
I self-sabotaged my own existence
I would be richer than Elon’s kids and
I would be shiny, and I would be drippin’
Something is missin’, you got my permission
To take a blade right to my wishin’

We are miraculous.
Ropes of corded muscle
Intertwined—
A system so efficient
We have spent centuries
Attempting to imitate it.

We are
Astounding.
Life is a miracle
No robot
Can replace.

I’ll be a seashell
Floating in the time of your tide.
Take me to places
I’ve never been.
I don’t care—
I’ll follow your waves.
I don’t have a direction,
Destination,
Home.
So grind me
Down
Down
Down
Pieces of me
Turned into sand.
I don’t care—
Toss me in your waters.

Lift me up
And let me fall.

𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉

When the floating moment passes
Everything crashes down.
A second, a millisecond, a microsecond
It’s short and long and short once more.

Nobody expects the end.
But we know it is coming
Because it always does.

The wind whispers to me:

𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹𝒷𝓎𝑒

What is love?
If I may ask.
Is it butterflies
When they walk past?
Is it warmth that seeps
To your fingertips
When they gift you
With a soft gentle kiss?
Is it the trust
That gives you comfort
Or the peace that they give you
That you only used to have in slumber?
Is it the bond that you share
That can’t ever tear?
Is it dying for the one you live for?
What is love?
If I may ask.

I can’t breathe,
Pressed down by the weight
Of meticulously staying
The same.

It’s a hammer
Coming down on me
It never stops.
A cycle, it never stops.

How can you stand it?
The mindless mundanity
Dragging us down in
A haze, eyes wide open.

In the past
People used my past to control me
But I’m past that so I smack back  
What they told me.
Try to hold me back
But you can’t tack a label
On a fable, I’m a legend
Even if you say I’m unstable.
If in competition, they done lost to me
Take a shot at me, you intelligence apostasy.

Mockingly, they call me an oddity
Probably a product of my comedy
Step back, laugh, then step on me,
See, free entertainment for the public glee!
“Gee, why the negativity?” they say to me
But I am not listening, glistening
In my eyes, but it ain’t tears
Fears, I forgot ‘em, buried ‘em last year.

We are all blind
We all are wearing sunglasses
With shades so strong
That we can’t see the light
Of the world anymore.

Everything is boring
Nothing is new
We walk through a world of nothingness.

We have mediocre awareness
We cannot see past ourselves

I wonder how the human race
Got to be this way.

Drift away
Watching the sunset
Feeling the wind blowing on our backs.

It creeps up 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 of you
The darkness.
I can feel it too.
It reaches up and 𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒃𝒔 you
And pulls you
𝑫𝒐𝒘𝒏
𝑫𝒐𝒘𝒏
𝑫𝒐𝒘𝒏
Some days it has me in a 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒍𝒐𝒄𝒌
A headlock inside my 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅
Locked because I
𝑪𝒂𝒏’𝒕.
𝑮𝒆𝒕.
𝑶𝒖𝒕.
Some nights my mind 𝒔𝒄𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒎𝒔 at me
Like it’s 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒓𝒚
Like it’s 𝒑𝒖𝒏𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 me for something.
The 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔 fly so fast they’re like 𝒋𝒂𝒃𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒄𝒓𝒐𝒔𝒔𝒆𝒔
In the boxing ring.

I try to fight them.

Some nights I come out 𝒗𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔.

Not tonight.

I’m 𝒄𝒐𝒓𝒏𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒅, feeling each 𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒘 like a million 𝒕𝒐𝒏𝒔 on my 𝒄𝒉𝒆𝒔𝒕.

𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆.
𝑰 𝒄𝒂𝒏’𝒕 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆.

𝑩𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆.

𝑩𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆.

Why can’t I 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 how to 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉𝒆?

I’ve waited
I’ve waited so long
Since the day
I asked you to stay
And I looked for you
Do you know how long?
I looked for you
All these years
But you never
Looked for me once
Did you?

I’ve waited in this Wonderland
So long that the lush flowers and plants
Rotted, so I was left here alone
With yellow grass and sharp thorns
I’ve been waiting for my knight in shining armor
For so long, but he never came
Where are you now?
You said you’d come back for me
But you never did.

Here I go again
A vicious circle in my brain
A rainbow road, a rainbow rock
I just live to check a box
But at least your color i can see
When it’s just rainbow rock and me

Rhymes are liquid,
That I know.
They are as liquid
As melted snow.

Rhymes are liquid
They can flow
And take the shape
Of what you shape it so
Rhymes are most definitely liquid.

Rhymes can leak
Out of your mouth.
Just like water
Both liquid, no doubt.

Just like room temp. mercury
Is rhyme’s liquidity.

Rhymes not contained
Can be a mess.
Just like how
Spilled milk
Is not the best.

This poem here
Is evidence
That rhymes being liquid
Makes so much sense.

I’d tear myself apart
Just to figure out what’s inside
Am I
Out of my mind?

Can I
Take it back
Cover my cracks
And be anew?
Can I
Rewrite my song
And just belong
To who I wish to be?

If I changed all my choices
Back from when I used to be young
Who would I become?

I’m not sure I want to be who
I am, right now.
If I fall, should I stay down?

Fall, then fill it with gold
I say, fall, then fill it with gold
I say, fall, then fill it with gold
Not cracks, just beautiful.

Yes, I
Can take it back
Forgive my cracks
And be anew.
Oh, I’ll
Rewrite my song
And just belong
To who I wish to be.

To who I will soon be.

Hello yellow
Daffodil, as you scatter
Like the sun.
I see you spread
Your daylight ‘round
But still, your petals
Fall to the ground,
And I think to myself,
“I wish I were you,
I wish I were you but happy.”

People. Feel. Life. Time. Love. Hate. Day. Cold. Find. Lost. Good. Bad. Wrong. Write. Light. Dark. Heart. Mind. Eyes. Hear. Pain. Hope. Sun. Stars. Better. Afraid. Real. Thought. Help. Cry. Happy. Sad. Fire. Grow.

Perfect.

𝑯𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒏.

The light
And the dark
Right next to each other.

Human
and God
Right next to each other.

These are my words:
Contradiction after contradiction.

This is who I am:
Everything, nothing, everywhere, nowhere
All.
At.
Once.

I smile in the mirror
Trying not to cry.
I cannot comprehend
How my red eyes
And white teeth
Can coexist like this.
If only I could will
Myself to be happy.
I have to be happy
For the others.

So I grin
Because I read
Somewhere
That it could make
Me happy.

Am I supposed
To be here?
This doesn’t feel—
This doesn’t feel—

real.

I’m sleep-walking
Through a lucid dream.
It’s so, so loud.

I don’t hear anything at all.

My mind is only
Television static.
Why can’t I—
Why can’t I—

𝘉𝘶𝘻𝘻.

𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘱.

Oops, I edit
As I go,
I take a step
Then erase it.
It’s counterproductive,
Don’t I know,
But I see the flaw
Then I chase it.
It won’t go away
‘Til the mirror is shattered,
Whether or not
It actually matters.

So I’ll cut and I’ll add
I’ll rewrite, double back
Only hoping that you’ll
Love what’s left
In the end.

I long to see me
As you do,
Entirely foreign and
Mundanely beautiful.
I wish to trace
The curves of my lettering,
Attempting to decode
A message I have already
Memorized.
I have already unraveled
All of my mysteries but you
Still startle at each creak
Of the floor, each squeak
Of the door.
Nevertheless,
That elsewise wonder
Is only reserved for
Strangers.

One step at a time
1...2...3...4
One task at a time
5...6...7...8
One day at a time
9...10...11
One second at a time
12...13...14...15
Maybe I won’t break down this time.

Contradicting concepts
Are the essence of my being
Yes, it may not make sense
But it makes sense to me.

I love the things that can’t be seen
Or touched or heard or smelled
The type of thing that’s not tangible
That I am always seeing.

I love the way it sparks my fire
Of kindling curiosity
I don’t know if you guys agree
Or if it is only me.

I was screaming.
It was like
Smashing my fists
Into a brick wall
Hoping it breaks.
I was screaming.
And you just kept driving
Like it was nothing
Like you did this
Every day.
I was screaming
And looking
At the speedometer
To see if you
Were speeding,
If you let this
Affect you at all.
You weren’t
And you didn’t.

I was screaming
And you didn’t hear a word.

I cannot decide
If I am totally numb
Or oblivious.

I’m made out of colors
Colored outside of the lines.
You say I’m a masterpiece
But I’m so unfinished.
So full of empty spaces.
But maybe
One day I won’t be.

I will be your sun and your moon
For you, I’d light the way
I want to hold you in my arms
Softly, safe and sound.

But how could I embrace the sky,
So striking and expansive?
You’re everything, all that can be
You’re all there is to me.

Divine and purely celestial—
I can hardly comprehend!
But I need not understand the sea
Just let you heal and mend.

I’ve got a friend who has
Words like a drum,
Words like a drum,
Words like a drum.

You’ll feel it pass through you
With a heart-beating thrum,
Raindrops’ pitter patter echo
All she has done.

I’ve got a friend who has
Words that come down,
Heavy like leaden-footed
Giants abound.

She’ll take your breath away
And you’ll feel it in your bones,
It shakes down the mountains
Wherever she goes.

I’ve got a friend whose words
Land like a punch.
Staccato but it always hurts
Far too much.

She fights every battle
Like it’ll make her enough
For words filled with love
While hers are cold to the touch.

𝘞𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘩
I sigh as I breathe again,
Finally, I finally
Made it out.
Made it through.
The storm’s behind me
And even if
I see another one brew
I know
I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 what I can do.
That I can do
Everything.

i’m not a daughter
i’m a trigger
i’m not person
i’m a gun
every problem
i make bigger
reminds me i 𝘢𝘮 one

i’m not a daughter
i’m a trigger
i’m the stain on your white blouse
and everybody, everybody knows
i am the darkness in this house.

The weird thing with boredom
Is that it always only occurs
When one has quite a lot
Of actual things things to do.

Like right now,
I am writing
Maybe getting a couple of likes
When I should be studying
So I don’t get a grade
That makes me go “Yikes!”

Like right now I feel deprived
Of things to do,
I think it’s cause one gets easily bored
With what’s right in front of you.

It’s blue sparkle
Strikes my eye
Glowing over the marble rock
Of the Universe
It’s so beautiful
It makes me cry
The light reflects
Off the surface of Time
Not wet
But still liquid
Liquid Time
I like the thought of that
Liquid Time
A waterfall
Falling
Falling
I want to stand under
The stream of Time and the Universe.

My dog
Can’t ever
Lay down properly.
He finds a spot
Only to leave it
And run in circles
Because nowhere ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I can’t ever
Love properly.
I find a person
Only to leave them
And run in circles
Because no one ever feels
Comfortable enough.

The magical moment
When you wake up
But you’re still slightly sleeping.

The beautiful moment
When you are not worried
You are honest
You are content
Anger fear and hate
Seem to have never
Manifested in your mind.

You are a tree
You are a blade of grass
Blowing in the wind
You are the wind blowing.

You are...
serenity

I’m a glutton for attention.
For the mention
Of my name.
Please, just prove
My existence is real.
Say that I matter.
𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳
Say that I matter!
𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳

I. Don’t. Need. You.

But I do, I really  do.

clear your heart
and follow your mind
turn impossibilities
into things you can feel inside
clear your heart
and meet my eyes
even when your wings get heavy
you will find a way to fly

It’s like I’m walking
Home from school,
Counting the houses
That look the same.

It’s like I’m skipping
The cracks again,
Humming the tune
Inside of my head.

It’s like my shoe laces
Keep coming undone
No matter how much
I tie them up.

I pick at the thread
Hanging off of my sweater,
Not bothering to bend down
And double-knot.

And then when I trip,
I sit
And wonder
Why.

I am too rational
To fall apart completely
Like a crumbling leaf
In the autumn breeze
But here I am.
I am a piece of machinery
With a faulty circuit board
With a touchy circuit breaker.
Tiny signals
Trigger a robust response
Because anything larger
Exceeds my design limitations.

She’s on top of the world
But she’s up there all alone.
She’s a goddess disguised
But her feet can’t find the ground
Anymore.

If you
Read her face you’ll see
The seasons never show.
Not new,
It’s a makeup routine for the ages
And no, no nobody knows the way
She’ll change into stone.

𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯

Like a quote that I cannot remember
Like a song stuck right in my head
A fire once, now it’s an ember
Ash pages of words that were said.

Like a waft that drifts out of the kitchen
Just a hint of the past, so sweet.
I have scars that I know were once stitches
But I only recall summer heat.

Like water, like sand, to hold in your hand
To cradle when it just slips away.
It was art, it was home, not written but shown,
Now crumbled, broken pieces of clay.

I miss it!
What was it?
I miss what I lost!
It was warm, it was cold, it was piercing and soft.
It was something, just something
I feel calling me back.

I’d go to it now if I hadn’t lost track.

I’ve already done my ten-thousand hours
Under the light of the moon and the sun.
”Self-made” contains its own divine power
In the minds of the Americana.

My bootstraps, I’ve pulled
Until they tore off.
I admit, I’ve been fooled
In this Land of the Lost.

And still yet they shout, at Forefather’s behest:
“Give it your all! And then give me the rest!”

Almost too much, a cursed grail
A heavy stone rolling down a hill
Almost too much when I fell down
Almost too much when I hit the ground
Almost too much when the she-bird sang
A sorrowful song sodden with pain
Almost too much, too much when I failed
A heavy stone rolling down a hill

Many of times a day
I feel worn and wearied away.
Until I am reduced
And a pile of me-dust is produced.

Between the words
Of a book
Is where the magic happens.

Between the words
The characters’ lives
Go way out of
The storyline.

Between the letters
A character
Is not slaying
The dragons
Or slumbering
For a century.

In the margins
The characters think
Outside of the plot,
And while the words
Of a book
Are magical,
between the words
Is the best part.

Your callused hands
Warm me up
Like s’mores on the fire
Like some fries in the fryer

Your callused hands
Protect me
My insurance against humanity
My sword against insanity.