People will hurt you and then act like it was you who hurt them.

I'm lucky I'm not beautiful.

Most days, I feel alone
Most days, I can feel it in my bones
The way the dark wind blows
It’s like I’m the only one against the flow

I wake up each day in a twilight zone
I look to my left and my right, I’m on my own
But when I look up to the sky, there you’re aglow
Be with me, in this land down below

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."


- Evan Huang

I just want everything to stop
It's all becoming too much for me
Climbed too high, now I fell from the top
I don't want all of these, just let me be

I want to get out of here
Rise up in the sun and let it swallow me
Let the winds carry me somewhere unknown
All I ever wanted is to be alone

I'd throw everything away in a heartbeat
If I could just be on my own and free
Let the snow sink me in
I'll be happier than I've ever been

Let’s stare into the abyss and never look back
For then I would grow and never be struck
By the lightning of fate and cruel luck

I would be free from the reins of life,
Away from all these lights,
That put me out of sight

For only in the darkness you could see me
And there I would find what I’d truly like to be
Into the abyss, there I will be free

I’m less of a woman because I’m fat
I’m treated like one of the guys
No doors were held for me everyday
And most of the time, I’m fine with that

No gentleman was ever gentle to me
No girl was ever a friend to me
All these empty spaces they left me
I decided to put doubt and insecurities in

They say it’s okay
They say love yourself in a way
That itself should be enough for the light of day
But they don’t know how it is for me each day

I just want to feel loved and wanted
I just want to feel important and painted
I’m tired of being black and white
All I need is a little color on my sky

I’m less of a person because I’m scarred
I’m less of a human because I’m “ugly”
That’s what they said to me
I’m less of a woman because I’m fat

I act like I’m fine
I act like everything’s alright
I tell people I don’t feel a thing
I tell people I’m not hurting

Every day is the same
I put up a mask to cover the flame
Trying to keep up to this facade
I’m tired of having nothing to have

Should I let myself come out of the flame?
Show people my real face and name
Would they choose to stay,
When the shadow becomes the light?

In this world where I could trust no one
Would you hold my hand as I run?
Let’s figure out who we are together
Two people finding themselves, isn’t that better?

In this place where I hid,
You’re the person I wanna be alone with
You are the only thing that was ever real
Would you spend some years with me?

Hard to admit that it’s all over
Our time together is anything but forever
Been five years since we’ve part
But it feels like yesterday, the way you broke my heart

I guess after all this time, I’m still hoping
That what we had is more than just a thing
That at the very least, I meant something to you
You were my first everything and you haven’t got a clue

But last night, I’ve reached my end
The song you made me, you gave to someone else
That was the first time I heard my heart breaking
With every beat it made, it was aching

For the first time, in a long time,
I’m choosing myself, and I’ll take this as a sign
I’ll move on and forget about you
There’s no sense in being hungover for you

I’ll try to find my old self
That whole person I was before we met
I won’t let another like you break me
Even if I’m alone, I’ll be as happy as I’ll ever be, you’ll see

To this day, I don’t know
If what I really wanted was to leave and just let go
Or if I was just scared of the speed of the flow
What feels like yesterday, is a million years ago
I wonder if I’m just a coward
People always saw me as strong and hard
But now, I’m crying alone in the dark
Maybe, I’m just human or maybe just a fraud

Outside, I’m an unbreakable wall
No words, no stones could ever make me fall
But that’s just what they saw
Inside, the pain has taken it’s toll

The cuts I have is not seen with the eyes
It’s buried deep in my chest, cold as ice
I chisel them out of the cold when I write
It’s messed up I know, but it’s my vice

No matter what you think, I don’t care
Because emptiness is something I can’t bear
I’d rather be hurt and pay the fare
It makes me feel alive, I swear

It’s really disheartening
The way people are being
They only love you at the beginning
And they chew you up the next thing
They spit you out after they use you
They forget everything right that you do
They take your air until you turn blue
Turns out, people are worse than you knew

It’s really disappointing
The way spiders keep you spinning
They bind you up till you’re hurting
Keep you in a shelf until they start eating
They make you wait for your death
Mercilessly, they take your last breath
What’s worse is you don’t even have a death bed
Your awake but all of you is spent

Like a lake without water
Like a pen without a paper
They left me like this, more alone than ever
I just wish I could be happier
But I promise myself, this is the last time
I’ll never again let them take what’s mine
My sanity is all that is left in my mind
And I’ll bury it somewhere even I can’t find

Do you know what it means to be alone?
Do you know what it feels to be on your own?
No hand to hold, no shoulder to cry on
No one to hug you when you come undone

I’m with friends but why do I feel so abandoned?
Living life like a bullet without a gun,
Like a sunset without the sun
Thousands of songs still left unsung

I don’t know why they all left me
Maybe, possibly, it’s because I’m a cheat
Tried to keep those promises, believe me
Just had to save a stranger, its in my nature

I guess I deserve everything and all of this
Let me just wait until the poison hits
Let me close the eyes no one will miss
Let me lie here waiting for the dementor’s kiss

Right now, I’m just a someone
Nothing great, just a someone
I am a someone, maybe less
Not whole, just broken, full of regrets

Wish I know what I want to do
I’m just a someone lost in the woods
No one else left to help me stand up
I’m only with the wolves, waiting to eat me up

Running for my life on bare feet
Splinters and cuts are etched too deep
I don’t mind them no, I just want to get out
22 years and I still haven’t been found

Tell me how to save someone’s life
Ran too fast and jumped from the heights
Now I’m in the water, drowning
Let me stay here, let this be the ending

Don’t want to go back, no one misses me
The say they love me, but why didn’t they try to find me?
I’m deciding to die here, just leave me be
I’ll be happier on the other side, don’t you see?

Just sleep on your cushion, nice and safe
Four walls around you, no storm can break
This is just life, you’re meant to be happy
Someone’s sad, that’s her destiny

Drinking coffee in the morning
Got my laptop on and start writing
Wonder what I’ll write about today
About how I left or how I wish I had stayed?

That one song came on and reminded me of you
Our memories stuck on my mind like glue
Sat on my chair and stared into nothingness
I tried to move on, God knows I did my best

In my head, we’re flying into a clear blue sky
But when I open my eyes, all I can do is sigh
There’s not much I can really do
You and I are just simply through

I don’t hate you, I miss you
Wish you could say the same about me too
I’ll keep you forever in my memory
One day I’ll smile when I think of them, you’ll see

You’re my first love and best friend
Yes, it’s bad, the way we had to end
But I still wish you’d always be happy
You’re the best guy I know, you’ll always be

5 a.m. and I still haven’t slept
A thought in my head suddenly crept
Why do I feel nothing when I think of you
The feelings left like an eagle who suddenly flew

Is this what feeling okay feel like?
That numbing pain is now out of sight
I don’t know if I could get used to this
Never knew there’s a kind of pain you could miss

I take my emotions, put them in a box
Wrap them tightly, put a ton of locks
It’s just something that I always do
Those feelings, I use them only when I need to

But now, even that box is now gone
I have nothing left, guess I’m done
Guess I’ll move on to better things
Maybe this time, I might call this life worth living

The both of us were too guarded
Too scared for good things to end
We couldn’t risk it, so we stayed friends
Far too many words left unsaid

We messed around, fooled around
Didn’t expect we’d end up on the ground
Chances lost, never to be found
Who knew this is how it would go down

Tragic how our story went so far
Some things are just better apart
This might be the chance for a new start
Let’s just leave our memories to the stars

Maybe somewhere down the line,
We’d meet and say we’re fine
And we would really mean it this time
Who knows? We might even share a pint

It’s about time we hand this all to fate
Put them in a box and leave it at the gate
Go down the road on our separate ways
And with any luck, I might see you again someday

Got nobody, I’m all alone
Got no shoulder to cry on
A hand to hold, no there’s none
Just broken pieces and then some

It’s tough to be on my own
Had to build walls since you’re gone
An island in the middle of an ocean
The lights are off, the music’s done

Have no idea what I’m gonna do
Seems like the sky is now a different hue
The stars here are not much of a view
There’s grass here but no morning dew

I’m sorry I had hurt you
I didn’t mean it, believe me it’s true
If I could turn back time, you know I would
But right now, there’s not much I could do

Promise I’d step back and won’t go near
It’s hard but I guess this is how it’s meant to be
Our stolen time is done, now our path is clear
I won’t ever meet you again so, I’ll stop here

What’s said is said, what’s done is done
I wish I could tell you there are still days in the sun
But you pulled the trigger and I jumped the gun
And just like that you and I were gone

We tried to save what was already dead
We didn’t realize we already pulled the thread
What’s left of us is nothing but regret
What once was white, has now turned to red

It was beautiful, it was better than summer
What we had together, I will cherish forever
I know we ended, I know it’s all for the better
But I’ll still miss the times we spent together

I’ll always remember each afternoon
The sunset and the breeze each day of June
The song that we always rewind from that album
Somehow I feel these memories won’t leave anytime soon

I miss you but I won’t chase after you
After all, we both know what we had is through
No turning back, let’s leave without any clue
To where you’re headed, I’ll hope to never find you

Remember when we were happy?
When we weren’t afraid of anything
When all we could lose was you and me
We weren’t scared and it was everything

My hair was short and yours was long
Now things have changed
We don’t know where we belong
We’re lost and seems like there’s no end

You hair’s now short and mine is long
Now, things are still the same
We still don’t know where we belong
We’re older and maybe a little insane

We might never meet again
We might never find our way home
But that will never ever mean
The moon never tried to chase the sun

I’m 20 with a bachelor’s degree
My dad’s the proudest of me
My sisters are smiling from ear to ear
Finished first, but why wasn’t I happy?

I’m 21 and I passed the exam
It was ruthless, getting to where I am
I was alone in the water but I still swam
Got all the awards and accolades, but ****

I’m 22, no work, no dream
All those times I was rowing on the wrong stream
Forgot who I was and where I’ve been
Now I’m lost and they all think I’m mean

Friends and family said I’ve changed
They said I’d turned emptier and strange
But they don’t understand, I’m not deranged
For a long time, from myself I was just estranged

I’m 23 and still trying to find myself
Lost some people and honestly, I’m okay
Still no job but I know I’m on the right way
I’m finally doing what I love and I don’t care what they say

It’s okay that you’ve forgotten
I know you and I had to end
It’s better we never see each other again
We’re too broken for anyone to mend

It’s okay that you’ve left
When I think of you, I’ve no regrets
I’m actually glad that you and I had met
I wish nothing for you but the best

It’s okay you’re happier than me
I’ve always been a lonely person, you see
But I’ll always wonder what you’re doing
How you’ve been and who you’re seeing

People ask me what happened
Why you left and where you went
Why my heart was closed and not open
I tell them things would’ve been worse if it wasn’t

No day will pass that I won’t miss
You’re perfect eyes and your kiss
But one day the clouds will turn to mist
And that’s when I’ll know I am at peace

I am burnout
Have nothing to talk about
Each minute my mind racing with doubt
But nothing seems to come out of my mouth

Today, I don’t have anything
Not a single idea I could bring
My heart is so numb there’s not even a sting
Maybe it’s better off to be just stopping

I know I don’t have enough talent
But this is the only way I can vent
To help my soul slowly mend,
Writing became my only friend

I wish I had more words to say
But my head is still swimming in gray
I need my mind to fly away
Because maybe then, my body will decide to stay

I hate where I come from
It’s not a somewhere but a someone
Despise the way they think they’re better than anyone
You’re blood is not something you have done

Funny how you think you’re on top
This world is not yours to mess up
You think you own me and my soul
Just because of your money and your gold

You’re pathetic and that’s all you’ll ever be
I feel sorry not for you but for your family
They’re minds have been deprived of humility
I pray that someday they’ll listen to this heed

Money, fame, fortune, they’re nothing
All that’s important is that you have that something
Something worth for you to be believing
Something you won’t find in the direction you’re heading

Life is more than what you could count
You’ll realize this when you’re money is out
When they leave you because of the things coming out of your mouth
And you realize by your own self you’ve been captured and bound

Those words that in my direction you’ve spit
In the back of my mind they still sit
You’ve damaged my heart into bits
You deserve everything coming your way, you ***

I saw you again in the summer of ‘17
You’re hair shorter than I remember
Honestly, I don’t know if it’s better
I wish I had asked how you’ve been

Everyday I wonder how you’re doing,
Or who you’re seeing
Wondering if you ever think of me,
And everything that we could be

Tonight I fell asleep with the jacket you gave me
Curious how it still smells like you
Two years since I last spoke to you
Why am I still crying over you

I know it’s messed up
I know I should move on
Tell me how I could stop
Tell me how the moon can give up the sun

Now that I’m out of the picture,
I’m sure you’re happier
I’m sorry I left
I’m sorry you left
I’m sorry you’re gone
I’m sorry you’re done

I hope on day I could forget
How good you’ve been to me when we met
How you told me I was your best friend
How you told me you hoped this would never end

I guess some things are better left unsaid
But there’s one thing I wish could leave my head
I want to tell you that I tried my best
To hide that I loved you more than you could guess

Two hearts connected by a string
Broken pieces perfectly aligning
It was a fairy tale beginning
Two people wishing for a happy ending

We were fireworks in new year’s eve
Everything was possible with you and me
Beyond the stars there we would see
Our future as bright as it could be

But one day, all of a sudden,
For some reason, you stopped coming
No words, no reason for a certain
Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?

Now, I’m just wandering alone
We used to walk together in the sun
Today it’s just me, on my own
Tomorrow I hope you’ll finally come around

I don’t care if it’s dumb
I’ll stay here and wait, no matter how crazy it sounds
Because you understood me unlike everyone
I’ll be right here in our corner, waiting to be found

Day to day, same old faces
Night to night, same old spaces
People moving as one
People thinking as one

A gram or two, doesn’t matter
They keep me alive and better
Better than most of you
No mind for themselves or anyone

In this town where the end is dead,
Thoughts are rather kept than said
It’s the reason no one escapes this town
But I’ll make a destiny of my own

One day I’ll walk away from all this
Go to a place where the sun never sets
Live there and never come back
Forget my ghosts and my past

I don’t need fame or money
No, what I want is to be happy
Live where smiles are free
Sleep where dreams are meant to be

Someday I’ll find that place
The place they call paradise
Maybe when I sleep tonight, I’ll find it
If I do, I know I’ll never wake up again

She took her life in the morning
Her eyes closed, surrounded with tears
Tears not of loneliness nor fear
But relief for a new beginning

The world has made her numb
She gave more than what she had
She loved more than she can
This time she took only what she had

Her life was not her life
For years she lived for others
Lived somebody else’s dreams and not hers
And after all these things she was still fine

What broke her is not you
What broke her is not him
What broke her is not them
What broke her is herself

She realized there was nothing left of her
Nothing left of her to give to others
To the people who could never love her
At least not as much as she loved them

When it dawned to her there was nothing left
She took her chair and tied her belt
Looked out the window and saw the rising sun
And with that, she was gone

The sky was dark
The stars were black
The lights were on
The wind was a storm

I walked out on you
But why couldn’t I move?
I told you I was done
But that wasn’t part of the plan, right?

We were the best of friends
Who would’ve thought this would end?
The way you touched my hair
The way you looked when I told you I was scared
The way you laughed when I say a bad joke
The way you smiled whenever I spoke

These are all in my mind
Replayed every night as I press rewind
The water in my eyes never stops
I wish I could just put these memories in a box
Bury them deep in the sand
So it’ll get lost to somewhere I could not find

Insane how I keep you in my memories
You were only bitter and not sweet
Yet the ghost of you was the only thing that made me feel
It’s so ****** up how I want to believe
That you are more than what people see
I want to stop please just let me leave
I want to go away from you
I hate you, I love you

Saw you there in the middle of the night
You thought I couldn’t see you but how could I not
I stared and I wondered if you were alright
And realized maybe, you’re all I’ve got

I took a deep breath and went down the stairs
I opened the door and your eyes looked up to me
It was obvious in my face that I still cared
You took my hand and I saw what I’ve always wanted to see

You told me you loved me
You told me you cared about me
You told me everything you want us to be
And I told you my fears and my ghost
My worries of how this thing could go
You paused and said “ You’ll never be alone.”

Late at night, drinking my thoughts away
Lights are off, the curtains sway
Smoking a pipe, remembering your face
Floor’s messed up, I wished you had stayed

When I told you to leave, I didn’t mean it
Just couldn’t show you what I hid
Told you I didn’t need you, didn’t expect you to believe it
There’s still some left of me beneath this

The walk home is never the same without you
We gave up and ended too soon
No chances left for me and you
Maybe you still feel the same way too

But I kept the book you gave me
The notes we passed each other are still with me
The memories we made together, I still keep
These little and fragile things help me sleep

I try to hold on to what could have been us
When I cried in front of you and you gave me a hug
What could have been, if only one of us had the guts
Hard to admit that it all turned to dust

Now I know you’re better off with her
She probably makes you happier
She’s probably totally so much better
I was a lot and honestly, full of blisters

I am damaged and definitely not perfect
I understand why I was somehow less
Not good enough even at my best
My mind and my heart has always been a mess

Some things are better left not talked about
Some things are better kept inside than out
I miss you but it doesn’t matter now
I love you and that still matters to me somehow