Some people will think I’m crazy for saying I’ve fallen for you at first sight, and maybe this will just be another one of those times where I only dream of what could’ve been…
Or another time where get so caught up in the moment, I lose the chance to make it into something more.

But what I want “this” to be, is I want you to love me and I want to love you more than you could ever know. Because I have so much love to give, and I can’t promise you the world, but I promise that I’ll do my very best to be the perfect man for you, because maybe I am the perfect man for you, and I just don’t know it yet.

The weight of my thoughts;
This “pain” that I feel;
I wonder how much of it
Truly, is real.

Neglecting my health;
I seek comfort in vices;
Like cannabis, or nicotine.
But at least I’m not a drunk.

Yet I find myself in pain;
Itching for a taste;
For a glimmer of solace.
Just a promise of peace.

What am I craving?
What am I yearning for?
So I can feel high?
Or because I’m just bored?

I need something.

Here we are again.
After all the times that you've said goodbye;
With all the times I told myself I'd never see you;
I always wondered what it would be like;
Could it all change with just one kiss?

We've never met;
Not even once.
And we've talked about that day countless times.
Where your eyes meet my gaze,
And I see your smile,
And I reach out my hand for you to take.

What a day that would be;
To be so cliché;
To love with a love that is more than love,
As one of the best once put it.
To love you as if it were my last day on Earth.

The years have passed,
And you've changed,
As well as I.
But the only thing that remains the same,
Is the fact that I still love you.

Stranger.
Friend.
Enemy.
Lover.
The girl that I seem to find myself always fighting for.

I just want to know;
I've been dying to know;
Could it all change with just one kiss?

You could change my life;
And I could change yours.
We could defy all odds
And just focus on what matters most,
To the both of us;

Each other.

Could it be?
That we're all we need?

We could find out;
*With just one kiss.

My mind is a work of art.
For the longest time,
it remained hidden in a cellar.
Away from the judging eyes of the world.

It's been put on display, but some pieces are missing.
Being restored and maintained properly.
To repair the effects of time and the elements.
So that it may be enjoyed forever.

It sits in a gallery for everyone to see.
Wanting to be understood by all those who breathe.
Most people stop, glance, and leave,
But a few people stop and do more than just see.

They feel.
They know. They understand.
Or at least try.
They look at the lines and try to see through.
"What is the artist trying to tell you?"

In the midst of desperation,
With my hands pressed tightly against the sides of my head,
I'm hopelessly trying to hold myself together.

Will clutching my head hold my thoughts in their place?
Or is the delusion only another reason to believe
That I'm losing this fight with myself tonight?

It starts with a thought,
And ofcourse it's of you.
What the hell is the matter with you?
Before I can blink; thought number two.
Is it just me, and I'm too blind to see?
Just a simple confession;
I can't stand my depression.
It means dealing with you like I ******* have to.
If you measured the pain with the amount of my sighs,
You'd know I can't sleep with tears in my eyes.
I don't ******* get it. I just want to dream...
Because my emotional stability is ripping from the seams.

Let's start with the good,
When I asked if I should.
Should I pursue, and give myself to you?
A friend is a friend, but when you kissed me;

You pulled out a part of me you don't deserve to see.

I held your soft hands and held your sea green gaze,
I looked to your soul and saw flashes of pain,
flashes of beauty and a glimmer of hope;

Hoping that we were not meant to be.

The guy you pulled out with a kiss is a fool,
a sucker for love and an ignorant tool.
He played by your rules and he kicked your ***.

Don't prey on the good men who still have some class.

I admit that the things that I told you were bad,
and sorry, not really, for making you sad,
I'll miss being able to call you my buddy;

You get what you give when you're selfish and slutty.

Will swallow **** before she swallows her pride.

This game; This war;
Proves to me that you're nothing more
Than a selfish, useless, empty *****.
You want love and fame.
It's really just a shame
That everyone you love leaves you just the same.

Deceive; Despise;
I see the truth in your eyes.
Fleeing consequences; consumed by your lies.
Message; received.
Beyond the lies you have conceived
Because of all the things you refuse to believe.

Running won't get you far.

*YOU ARE A SHAM.

How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have been so naive?
To think that I could love someone
So selfish and young and naive?

Never mind, never more.
Selfish *****.
I give you myself, and still you want more?
Sometimes you want less, sometimes you want more.

Hiding the hatred and disgust in my core.

Where there was passion, she saw only thirst.
When there was selflessness, she only saw opportunity.

She called me a loser and told me to get a life.

And this is the girl who wanted to be my wife?

I know not of the love of a benevolent God;
The power to save a fallen son.
I only know of the love that I have,
For I am my brother's keeper.

A brother is a friend given by nature,
A lifetime companion; A bond of blood.
He is my first hero; He is my first friend.
He will always be my brother until the very end.

Brothers in blood share more than just blood.
They share the experience of being a son.
They share the same rules that they learned to abide,
And a sense of belonging that cannot be denied.

A brother is a person; he is his own man.
He makes his mistakes; like every man makes.
He's taught me great lessons which outshine pain.
That's why I love him for his own sake.

What brother's seek together, they will surely will find.
I am the voice that will always remind.
I am the hand that leads when he's blind.
For a brother never leaves his brother behind.

Your smile is so innocent, but I see every crease.
Every scar and every wrinkle that tell a very interesting story.
I understand that the smile that appears before me today,
Was once lost in a valley of tears and sorrow.
Hidden in a lost city of pain and regret.
Searching for the strength to appear once again.

I question it's sincerity; whether your smile is forced or true.
Nonetheless, it's something that's so lovely on you.
It hides all your pain; masking your scars.
Hiding your tears and concealing your fears.
When I see that smile, I deny what is true.
I wouldn't mind falling for a girl like you.

Visualize me,
With clenched teeth and balled up fists.
Get the **** away.

I sink.
Deep.
Further,
And further...

Down.

Until I reach the sea floor; scattered and strewn with my memories of you.
The floor beneath the Sea of Memory.

"How messy...", I think.
How will I ever find that memory of you?
That moment of bliss that you shared with me?

So I search on my knees as I dig through the dirt.
Through the memories of hell in the form of clumps.
Of **** and grime.
Of dust and filth.
In the form of all the pain that you caused me when you left.

Digging.
Digging.
Digging.

Encompassed by the sea,
I can still feel the tears rolling down my face.
Becoming a part of the Sea of Memory.

And the search goes on.

And on.
And on.
And on.

Desperation.
Suffering from starvation.
Fueled by your negation
Of our love.

The clouds of dust that I've created,
The product of my search,
Of my own aberration,
Bury me in the soil beneath the sea.

The Sea of Memory.

Fading away, into my mind.

The face that I loved,
And still love very much,
The soft hands that I pined for,
That I still long to hold,
Manifest into a world
Where our love never died.

In. My. Mind.

Those lovely warm hands
Find their way into mine.
That smile that I love
Is a mirror of mine.
And with that beautiful face,
Warmth finds my heart.

The same feeling I get when I see a full moon.

For when I remember something beautiful....

I always remember you.

Us

We.

And everything that we dreamt that we would be.

Young and in love.
No future intact.

In my dreams.

Where there is no time.
Where there is no purpose.

Things simply exist because they can.

I cherish these moments that we spend in my mind.

That I spend with you.

That stay with me when I

Awaken.

All the time,
I'm suffering.

Living is slowly suffocating.

I'm afraid to die.
I don't want to die.

But waiting for death seems to be the only way,
I can keep myself from getting pulled under.

Death lingers in the back of my mind,
Keeping me afloat.
Keeping me alive.

Because when I die, I can only expect one thing.

*The Truth.

I
I am.
Human.
Intelligent.
Selfish,
Yet selfless.
Contradictory.
I am.

I
I fear.
Love.
Sacrifice.
Death.
But I,
I believe.
In love,
sacrifice,
and death.

I
I want.
I lust.
I crave.
I have.
I need.
I feel...

I am.

I.

Being Human seems easy enough.
You live and you die; and the middle?

Unknown.

Life is the struggle of filling that gap.
A struggle that all of us go through alone.

Sure, we experience life in many different ways.
Through many different perspectives,
But we never count the days.
Time is the enemy of all of mankind.
Time is something that we scramble to find.

We like to love, but we love to hate.
Conflict is as human as the thirst to become great.
People would rather argue than hug.
Hate is the reason that love tends to fail.
But we all believe that love will prevail.

Fear is our boundary; It is our line.
The line in the sand between them and what's "mine".
It can leave you in the dark, or bring you to the light.
Fear is what separates the good from the great.
It keeps us humble for what we cannot dictate.


Just because you're breathing,
Does not mean that you're alive.
Living is not an action.
But the struggle to find how you die.

We don't choose to live.
We don't want to die.

But if you seek the truth, than it, you shall find.
The truth is what we strive for.
It's what makes life great.
Truth gives us power to destroy or create.

The truth is our answer.

Life is our question.

I started at the edge of my seat.
Subconsciously found my way to my feet.
I look at the mound, and then at the plate.
This is our chance.
Our one last hope.

He steps in the box with a glare at the mound.
First with the right,
And then with the left.
Bottom of the 9th with two men out.
Come on, batter, just relax.

Down by one with a man on first.
A tingle runs up and down my spine.
There goes a strike.
Now there's two.
Down to our last...

Then a ball comes through.
The count one and two.
Here comes another.
Now two and two.

A strike or a ball?
Only the pitcher knows for sure.
He winds his body up
And then follows through.

THWACK

This one's headed for the wall.
The crowd stares in awe as we look at the ball.
The fielder runs back, but stops at the track.
Before I knew it, he was touching em' all!

A fist in the air as he rounds first base.
He claps his hands as he rounds second.
When he reaches third he shakes someone's hand.
He touches home plate and I take off my hat.

**And that's how we won with one swing of the bat.

I pinch my brow, and rub my eyes.
I procure a heavy sigh.
I feel regret, a dear old friend,
As I look up at the sky.

I retreat to my mind, I shut my eyes.
I think of what to say.
Hate comes along, whistling his song,
"How would you rather feel today?"

I searched for love, I found someone.
I thought she was a dream.
Instead I found myself in hell.
People aren't always what they seem.

I was blinded by "love", I am in love.
I love her and she loves me.
But so many questions come to my mind.
"Are we truly meant to be?"

I don't know, I don't know, I really don't know...
There's so much pain in my heart.
The things that we do and the things that we say,
Are tearing us apart.

I unclench my fists, I open my eyes.
I let out a heavier sigh.
Rubbing my eyes, I wipe these tears
As I look up at the sky.

"No, not again..." I cried to myself,
As I buried my face in the palms of my hands.
As I clenched onto a lock of my hair in each fist,
And slowly but surely loosened my grip.

So many nights in this dark room of mine,
Repeating this ritual from one night to the next.
Sometimes I pace, sometimes I drink,
But most of the time I just sit down and think.

I think to myself...
What is this, a curse?
My punishment for all my sins and misdeeds?
My refusal to believe in a man called, "God"?
For biting the hand from which I did feed?

No.
"It can't be..." I whisper in fear.
"If God does exist, he wouldn't do this to me."
"I wouldn't be cursed with such a terrible plague."

Then the demons awaken.
Just like every other night.
Forcing their way into my room every night.
Forcing their way into my head every night.
Haunting me until the sun shines on my window.

They hold my eyes open.
But I force them shut.
They whisper my thoughts,
And their voices keep me up.
Silent and still like a dark shallow pond,
But sleep refuses to rescue me.

And when that sun shines,
It's a sight I do dread.
A sight that reminds me of these mornings in bed,
When the battle is over and the demons retreat,
Into my head as I lay in defeat.

Now that it's over, I continue my day.
Keeping my curse and my demons at bay.
But even then, I dread every night,
When my demons return with a vengeance to fight.

I need my rest tonight.
But my mind is wide-awake.
Emotional strife in my comfortable life,
Leave me with decisions to make.

But doubt...
Is what forces my eyes open,
And keeps me pinned against my bed.

Fear
Is what makes my fists clench.
Making me repeat what I said.

It's like torture.

A pendulum axe.
Right above my bed.
Trying get inside of my head.

Why is life so difficult?
Is this really meant to be?

*The truth is everything is really up to me.

Who are you?

My heart longs to know.
For your face is a mystery,
Along with your existence.

Do you know?

That I'm here and waiting for you.
And that these empty hands,
Long and hope to hold yours.

My heart will be yours.

Before we even know.
For if destiny is real,
Then our fates will entwine.

Are you afraid?

That our paths will never cross?
Sleep well then, my dear.
For this is something we share.

Alone, we are not.

Even though we both are.
Our desires are shared,
Where ever you are.

Do you hear me?

My muse of mystery.
My one true love.
**If you even exist.

Fire and brimstone are nothing compared,
To the hell that I see, that I live, that I am.
You see, Hell is not a place where the ****** are condemned,
But a place in my head where Regret is the king.

It's a place where everything I wish I could've taken back,
Is played over and over and over again.
Torturing me and who I want to be,
With the image of who I was in the past.

Regret is the king, but Satan is me.
I am the accused, the shamed, the opposer.
The struggle is defining who I am today,
In the midst of the memories that I refuse to believe.

Demons are the memories that haunt me.
Beckoning me with false justification.
Chastising me with the whip of ignorance.
Killing me with the truth of my actions.

Hell is not the domain of evil.
Hell is not the source of all wrong.
Hell is a place inside of our heads.
Where we refuse to go and never want to be.

Countless nights with my hand on my chin,
In silence, in solace, in darkness at night.
The hunger for knowledge and quest for the truth,
Lead me to a desk with a small dim lamp,
Where I sit and I ponder my questions in life.

I wonder how many people like me,
Have sat in their rooms or personal sanctuaries.
Sitting alone on the verge of epiphany,
Struggling to find the perfect words to define,
Their thoughts or emotions or questions like mine.

Einstein's theory of relativity.
Tesla's ideas of electricity.
Wilde's philosophy on the emotion of love.
These men are defined by the great things they did,
Because they defined the visions in their head.

My pupils dilate as I stare at my walll.
Time slows down when I'm in deep thought.
Everything, all of it, rushes at me.
I cannot describe the things that I see,
When I turn on the switch of possibility.

I see through them, right through your walls.
So solid and tall, that you built brick by brick.
Laid one at a time, with a little piece of you,
In every single one of those bricks.

When did you lay the cornerstone?
The very first piece that started it all?

The very first time that your heart fell apart.
The very first time you lost someone close.
The very first truth that you tried to hide.
The first memory that you tried to forget.

The mortar is mixed with your darker side.
It is hardened by sadness, angst, and anger.
Pain is the glue that binds them together.
Keeping the wall between you and them.

To keep them from seeing the tears in your eyes.
To keep them from hearing the sobs from your chest.
You're feeling alone, and I know why.

**You've built the walls way too high.

As I look upon the human race;
Just normal everyday people,
There is only one word that stands out in my mind;
Disgusting.

******* disgusting.

Putrid wastes of human space.
******* air and eating food.
They never stop eating, they never stop drinking,
While some other people starve to death.

Selfish and stupid.
People scramble for "stuff".
With money they don't have for **** they don't need.
Then they whine about working their dead end jobs.

Animals. Pigs.
Breeding like rats.
Even the ones that shouldn't reproduce.
Just making more useless ******* people,
To contribute to a materialistic, elitist, bigoted global society.

"This is cool. That is cool.
That's ******* lame."
All these stupid ******* rules.
Pop culture and the so-called, "status quo."

And how violent can people get?
Picking fights over dumb ****.
Gang members and terrorists.
It's never safe anymore.

How many more wars must we see before peace?
How many more years before love overcomes all?

It'll never ******* happen.
Because humans are pathetic.

Just another ******* animal with a bigger brain than the rest.

So it begins.
The end, but not the end.
The end of a chapter. The end of a stanza.
A sheltered life; the life of my past.

Fear; t'was my struggle.
The fear of being held back.
But the struggle to free myself from restraint,
Became my very shackles.
I was my own prisoner,
In these walls that I've built, so high.

I hear in the air, the call of a Siren.
A call to my soul. A call to my fate.
The Siren of change.
She announces my time.
The time of rebirth.
My hour of epiphany.

I am awake.
I can breathe. I am free.
Free from myself. Free from my sins.
This is where the new chapter begins.

Apathy. Cynicism. Envy. Shame.
Emotions that flood my thoughts day to day.
This darkness, This plague; It has hollowed my heart.
It has shattered my spirit and all feeling is lost.
This ghost has a name.

Regret.

Regret is the weight of the burden I bear.
It's all that I've lost when I said, "I don't care."
It's the lies that I forced myself to believe.
Opportunities I've lost in the name of ignorance.

I no longer remember who I see in the mirror.
A fellow, that I, have never seen before.
Is it him? Is it me? Was I blind, now I see?
The truth can be painful, but I must believe.