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Shevek Appleyard Nov 2022
What hides in your dreams?
Rancid creatures that creep unseen
Holding the dice to your emotions
The keys that keep you quarantined

The demons have the strings
They call you to the void
You dodge with sinful distractions
Causing catastrophic reactions

Is reality intact?

Plummet into mindless thoughts
That are seamlessly absorbed
A summit of corrupted feelings
That cannot be fought

Aggression tumbles rapidly
Hatred cramps the untrained brain
Spasms that remind you daily
The easy way to escape the pain

What a sweet delight
The idea of suicide
Swift souls taking flight
Finding solace in their own demise
TW: suicide , intrusive thoughts, depression

this was written a very long time ago, but to anyone suffering with mental health or struggles please reach out! you are ALWAYS worth it! if you need to talk to someone please call the Samaritans UK 116 123 or other help lines

Jolijn Nov 2022
They will be applauding me when I do the unspeakable.
Looking at the lifeless soul in front of me. Do they know something I don’t? Why does their gaze make me feel special?
You have figured it out, you are the chosen one, just like us. This is exactly what you had to do to win the game.
Routine is the answer but routine makes me spiral.

‘’The deities of running water let her hair flow’’ I read somewhere.
As simple as that.

Read between the lines my teacher said.
Go outside and chain smoke some cigarettes, it's not worth thinking like that.
But why am I confused when I see my body move… They don’t understand.

They will be applauding me when I do it.
You have figured it out, this is exactly what you have to do.

I'm so sorry you feel this way she said. I was expecting some recognition, while she hugged me with pity. No need.

Being really good at chain-smoking cigarettes, so I will.
As simple as that.
Read between the lines my teacher said.
No one applauds me.

Nicole Nov 2022
I feel them inside my head
Thoughts digging pathways into my brain
Repeating our conversation over and over
And over and over again.

Sentences, turned every direction
Up and down, repeatedly
Breaking apart your every word
Like what did you ~really~ mean?

Panic floods my bloodstream
But after only half of your sentence
I have to remember the second piece too
Then I can breathe again.

Irrationality claws at my heart
Doubt and fear suffocate me
But I want to believe you
I want to believe.

But what if my brain is right?
And what if you're wrong?
I pull reality sharply back into focus
As my thoughts tell me I'm crazy.

Inhale peace and exhale doubt
I have to let go of these questions
I love you, I love you, I love you
One day I'll be able to believe you.
Nicole Nov 2022
Thoughts spiraling, so endlessly
Spinning me in circles until I'm blind
Back and forth and back again
Until I don't know what's real anymore.
My brain whispers lies like sweet nothings
Telling me we'll never be what I need
That I'm dumb to want you this much
That I'll always be nothing real to you.
Sometimes I know the thoughts are lying
We talk about it and I promise I believe you
But the doubts are convincing too
And you can always find the evidence you look for.
I just want my brain to stop and slow down
I sow the seeds of my own misery along synapses
I can't imagine the strain this puts on your heart too
And I never wanted to cause you any pain.
My brain tells me I should just run away
That leaving could be best for you and for me
But I love you more than I've ever known
And running won't solve anything.
This well-worn path runs deep into my soul
Over and over again, in pain and in fear
I know they're all a part of the same problem
And I promise I'm fighting to find a way through this.
I couldn't be mad if it's too much some day. I'll still love you endlessly
I S A A C Feb 2022
I lost the plot and that's fine
I lost my mind within the lines
of my aquamarine journal
oh the feelings it holds under lock and key
oh the feelings I keep just for me
the pages filled with my metaphorical tears
the pages filled with my realistic fears
describing my intrusive thoughts
outlining my dreams of yachts
It is so distant yet so near
my journal is where I disappear
it houses the memories, my souvenirs
my breath that you took, the lyrics to my next hook
all lies within my aquamarine book
i hold a shaky palmful of death
noting that it is surprisingly light

i swallow reflexively
feeling shocks through my hand

i could just do it
i could just do it right now and it would all be over

why don't i do it

my body, fighting to survive
my brain, begging to die
and i am no man's land
Life molds you into a shapeshifting mess.
One stumbles through different tribulations, and the soul diversifies as the years pass.
You turn into different versions of yourself.
It’s like treading through hell, but you taste heaven at the same time.
It’s not a choice, it’s a requirement.
Its like drinking liquid gold. The concept is luxurious, but it kills you so deliberately.
A beautiful solemnity?
Emotions so immense.
It hurts so much to breathe, to exist, yet you need to stay, you stay because of love. We suffer to exert empathy. Love is the cutlass that impales deeply.
It cuts far, it makes you bleed profusely, but it feels so good.
It just feels so good.
Is there a point to it all in the very end?
Happiness seems temporary. Chasing it is like the drop you feel when the veil is pulled from under your foundation; long, scary.
Happiness is the rarest paragon.
The heart, heavy and the mind, full.
Wondering day after day.
Who will understand me, touch me, sense me.
Wonder, keep wondering.
Wonder possesses you.
Wonder keeps watching you.
Wonder doesn’t let go, it comes to watch you die.
That’s the why, that’s the death.
Life will never give you an answer.
Alina Mar 2021
My mind has faulty insulation, cracks for thoughts to creep in no matter how hard I try to block them out. Fractures as if from years of wear letting painful memories or cringing moments flood my head wreaking havoc as they soil it all. Regrets plague my conscience, stealing me from sleep, from peace. Keeping carefree out of my reach, to no end. No end in sight.

Lydeen Dec 2020
Cars light up my room.

I count.

The moon keeps me awake,

I can hear you.

Telling me to do it-
Hurt me, you, them...


Words begging to become actions.

I close my eyes.

Deep, deep, deep breath.
It's just a thought.


Soft sheets, pillows...
Moon, stars, lights.

It's quiet.
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