I know not of the love of a benevolent God;
The power to save a fallen son.
I only know of the love that I have,
For I am my brother's keeper.

A brother is a friend given by nature,
A lifetime companion; A bond of blood.
He is my first hero; He is my first friend.
He will always be my brother until the very end.

Brothers in blood share more than just blood.
They share the experience of being a son.
They share the same rules that they learned to abide,
And a sense of belonging that cannot be denied.

A brother is a person; he is his own man.
He makes his mistakes; like every man makes.
He's taught me great lessons which outshine pain.
That's why I love him for his own sake.

What brother's seek together, they will surely will find.
I am the voice that will always remind.
I am the hand that leads when he's blind.
For a brother never leaves his brother behind.

Visualize me,
With clenched teeth and balled up fists.
Get the **** away.

****, I'm really high.
Why did I bother getting ******?

****... I'm REALLY high...
The end of senior year is close!

****. Why did I get high?
**** held me back for a year...
Of sitting, and staring, and staring, and sitting,
And laughing my *** to tears.

The *** became a small escape.
Like Superman without his cape.
Or a homeless guy with a 40 oz drink.
****, what am I saying?!

****! I'm high.
There's work to do?
But **** that ****.
I'll chill for a bit.

And it's back to work for who?

Hopefully, my high ***.

This game; This war;
Proves to me that you're nothing more
Than a selfish, useless, empty *****.
You want love and fame.
It's really just a shame
That everyone you love leaves you just the same.

Deceive; Despise;
I see the truth in your eyes.
Fleeing consequences; consumed by your lies.
Message; received.
Beyond the lies you have conceived
Because of all the things you refuse to believe.

Running won't get you far.

*YOU ARE A SHAM.

What a world that I live in.
Oh my, have the times changed.
The 21st century, so glorious and new.
Society's changing and it's not well to do.

Strange religious cults that spew arguments of hate.
Condemning our soldiers, government, and state.

Young teenagers lust without a care in the world.
Ignorant to the consequences that can be deterred.
They give birth to lovely children whom they cannot feed.
Too busy partying and fueling their own need.
The need to feel loved, or young, or alive.
Consumed by desire and refusing to shrive.

With the presence of drugs, crime is on the rise.
The stealing, the killing, the fooling, the lies.
*******, ******, ****, Crack.
Young women are ***** by addicts in packs.
The corruption of those who swore to protect,
The very same people that they choose to neglect.

The big name companies make the products we buy.
Thirsting for money until we all die.
Some are expensive, others are cheap.
But all the big companies call us, "the sheep".
We follow the trends and lust for what's new.
Believing what they say even if it's not true.

I'm young and I'm curious; an observer of life.
Feeling the love, and avoiding the strife.

What a world that I live in.
How ugly can life be?
Because in all these sad truths, I see a reflection of me.
Living in in this world; the new turn of the century.

Here we are again.
After all the times that you've said goodbye;
With all the times I told myself I'd never see you;
I always wondered what it would be like;
Could it all change with just one kiss?

We've never met;
Not even once.
And we've talked about that day countless times.
Where your eyes meet my gaze,
And I see your smile,
And I reach out my hand for you to take.

What a day that would be;
To be so cliché;
To love with a love that is more than love,
As one of the best once put it.
To love you as if it were my last day on Earth.

The years have passed,
And you've changed,
As well as I.
But the only thing that remains the same,
Is the fact that I still love you.

Stranger.
Friend.
Enemy.
Lover.
The girl that I seem to find myself always fighting for.

I just want to know;
I've been dying to know;
Could it all change with just one kiss?

You could change my life;
And I could change yours.
We could defy all odds
And just focus on what matters most,
To the both of us;

Each other.

Could it be?
That we're all we need?

We could find out;
*With just one kiss.

I pinch my brow, and rub my eyes.
I procure a heavy sigh.
I feel regret, a dear old friend,
As I look up at the sky.

I retreat to my mind, I shut my eyes.
I think of what to say.
Hate comes along, whistling his song,
"How would you rather feel today?"

I searched for love, I found someone.
I thought she was a dream.
Instead I found myself in hell.
People aren't always what they seem.

I was blinded by "love", I am in love.
I love her and she loves me.
But so many questions come to my mind.
"Are we truly meant to be?"

I don't know, I don't know, I really don't know...
There's so much pain in my heart.
The things that we do and the things that we say,
Are tearing us apart.

I unclench my fists, I open my eyes.
I let out a heavier sigh.
Rubbing my eyes, I wipe these tears
As I look up at the sky.

I playfully imagine sewing my eyes shut,
As frustration and anger rise within.
The solace I sought was a battle away,
So I lay in my sheets and accept my defeat.

To win such a battle would come a reward,
That all equal men accept every night.
To lay my own head upon a soft bed,
And drift off to sleep as if I were dead.

To dream, any dream, that my heart could ever want.
To explore, see, venture, and try.
Yet here, eyes open, is where I now lie.
I beg the madness to answer me, "why?"

Am I doomed to be an owl of the night?
To lurk in the shadows of a waning moon?
Why is my escape unavailable to me?
How long will the nights continue to be this way?

It feels like my sanity is eroding away,
And the lack of rest is causing me pain.
The bags of my eyes grow heavy and full,
And I plead for a God to end it all soon.

I dream for a dream and I lust for sleep.
Just a minute of rest is all that I need.
Sleep is my master, for it controls me,
As I lie in these sheets; a man of defeat.

It starts with a thought,
And ofcourse it's of you.
What the hell is the matter with you?
Before I can blink; thought number two.
Is it just me, and I'm too blind to see?
Just a simple confession;
I can't stand my depression.
It means dealing with you like I ******* have to.
If you measured the pain with the amount of my sighs,
You'd know I can't sleep with tears in my eyes.
I don't ******* get it. I just want to dream...
Because my emotional stability is ripping from the seams.

I started at the edge of my seat.
Subconsciously found my way to my feet.
I look at the mound, and then at the plate.
This is our chance.
Our one last hope.

He steps in the box with a glare at the mound.
First with the right,
And then with the left.
Bottom of the 9th with two men out.
Come on, batter, just relax.

Down by one with a man on first.
A tingle runs up and down my spine.
There goes a strike.
Now there's two.
Down to our last...

Then a ball comes through.
The count one and two.
Here comes another.
Now two and two.

A strike or a ball?
Only the pitcher knows for sure.
He winds his body up
And then follows through.

THWACK

This one's headed for the wall.
The crowd stares in awe as we look at the ball.
The fielder runs back, but stops at the track.
Before I knew it, he was touching em' all!

A fist in the air as he rounds first base.
He claps his hands as he rounds second.
When he reaches third he shakes someone's hand.
He touches home plate and I take off my hat.

**And that's how we won with one swing of the bat.

So it begins.
The end, but not the end.
The end of a chapter. The end of a stanza.
A sheltered life; the life of my past.

Fear; t'was my struggle.
The fear of being held back.
But the struggle to free myself from restraint,
Became my very shackles.
I was my own prisoner,
In these walls that I've built, so high.

I hear in the air, the call of a Siren.
A call to my soul. A call to my fate.
The Siren of change.
She announces my time.
The time of rebirth.
My hour of epiphany.

I am awake.
I can breathe. I am free.
Free from myself. Free from my sins.
This is where the new chapter begins.

Countless nights with my hand on my chin,
In silence, in solace, in darkness at night.
The hunger for knowledge and quest for the truth,
Lead me to a desk with a small dim lamp,
Where I sit and I ponder my questions in life.

I wonder how many people like me,
Have sat in their rooms or personal sanctuaries.
Sitting alone on the verge of epiphany,
Struggling to find the perfect words to define,
Their thoughts or emotions or questions like mine.

Einstein's theory of relativity.
Tesla's ideas of electricity.
Wilde's philosophy on the emotion of love.
These men are defined by the great things they did,
Because they defined the visions in their head.

My pupils dilate as I stare at my walll.
Time slows down when I'm in deep thought.
Everything, all of it, rushes at me.
I cannot describe the things that I see,
When I turn on the switch of possibility.

In the midst of desperation,
With my hands pressed tightly against the sides of my head,
I'm hopelessly trying to hold myself together.

Will clutching my head hold my thoughts in their place?
Or is the delusion only another reason to believe
That I'm losing this fight with myself tonight?

I
I am.
Human.
Intelligent.
Selfish,
Yet selfless.
Contradictory.
I am.

I
I fear.
Love.
Sacrifice.
Death.
But I,
I believe.
In love,
sacrifice,
and death.

I
I want.
I lust.
I crave.
I have.
I need.
I feel...

I am.

I.

My mind is a work of art.
For the longest time,
it remained hidden in a cellar.
Away from the judging eyes of the world.

It's been put on display, but some pieces are missing.
Being restored and maintained properly.
To repair the effects of time and the elements.
So that it may be enjoyed forever.

It sits in a gallery for everyone to see.
Wanting to be understood by all those who breathe.
Most people stop, glance, and leave,
But a few people stop and do more than just see.

They feel.
They know. They understand.
Or at least try.
They look at the lines and try to see through.
"What is the artist trying to tell you?"

What dreaded curse has engulfed us all?
Surrounded by those who need us the most.
Their eyes are hollow and their words are empty,
As they call to their neighbors for a helping hand.

A man who is trapped by the vice of addiction,
Cursed to perish from this horrid affliction.
A pregnant young girl who is eating for two,
Abandoned by love she believed had come true.

They still bear smiles from time to time,
But we put them down for who they have become.
We judge them and scorn them for what they have done.
But we are the ones that did this to them.

Our way of life has destroyed many dreams.
Competive nature in its very seams.
Selfish in nature, no problems equate.
On the words I held back, I will suffocate.

So many times I've reached out a hand,
But changed my own mind in exchange for my pride.
I've held my chin high to ignore those below,
And I have become a part of the norm.

Let's start with the good,
When I asked if I should.
Should I pursue, and give myself to you?
A friend is a friend, but when you kissed me;

You pulled out a part of me you don't deserve to see.

I held your soft hands and held your sea green gaze,
I looked to your soul and saw flashes of pain,
flashes of beauty and a glimmer of hope;

Hoping that we were not meant to be.

The guy you pulled out with a kiss is a fool,
a sucker for love and an ignorant tool.
He played by your rules and he kicked your ***.

Don't prey on the good men who still have some class.

I admit that the things that I told you were bad,
and sorry, not really, for making you sad,
I'll miss being able to call you my buddy;

You get what you give when you're selfish and slutty.

I wish for one night, everyone could see,
What lies inside my heart. What lies within me.
It's the truth! Unwithered, but hidden for years.
Pain, sadness, and all of my fears.

Pain.
From every single girl that didn't give me a chance.
From all the ones who laughed when I asked them to a dance
From all the ones to told me, "I don't see you that way."
From all the times I thought, "I'll **** myself today."
The pain never goes away.

Sadness
From all the girls who called me, "ugly" and meant every word.
From all the girls I want, but I know I'll never have.
From the countless times that I've tried to show them who I am.
From all the times I was left behind for someone I can't be.
I curse everyday that I am me.

Fear.
Is me in the future, dying all alone.
Without someone to love me, or even call my own.
Death is no longer at the top of my list.
He would be my savior from this life that I live.
What a curse it is to be me.

Unwanted because I'm ugly.
Unwanted because I'm nice.
Unwanted because there's others.
Unwanted because of who I am.
Have you ever wished for day,
That you could be someone else?
Anybody but you.
Anybody but yourself.

Everyday.
Every **** day.
I just wish I could be them.
The ones who are always wanted.
The ones who are always loved.

I spend my whole life wishing that maybe,

Just maybe...

For just one girl....

That I could be enough.

Should you forget that smile that you wear,
So lovely and warm, at home,
Remember these words, you kind-hearted soul.
Happiness lies where you roam

It lies in your heart, and it's up to you,
To brighten up the day.
To help out a stranger, a friend, or a neighbor.
Kindness goes a long way.

Just help an old lady crossing the street,
Ask her, "What's your name?"
Give her a hug, and show her your smile.
Trust me, she'll do the same.

Smile at a person that you think is cute,
And even if they glare,
Give em' a wave and continue your day.
A smile is something to share.

And don't be afraid to make weird faces,
At a baby, or a kid.
Just remember to smile and play for a while.
They'll remember what you did.

We are all human and life is quite short,
So enjoy it for a while.
Seize the day! Be on your way!
*Just don't forget to smile.

Who are you?

My heart longs to know.
For your face is a mystery,
Along with your existence.

Do you know?

That I'm here and waiting for you.
And that these empty hands,
Long and hope to hold yours.

My heart will be yours.

Before we even know.
For if destiny is real,
Then our fates will entwine.

Are you afraid?

That our paths will never cross?
Sleep well then, my dear.
For this is something we share.

Alone, we are not.

Even though we both are.
Our desires are shared,
Where ever you are.

Do you hear me?

My muse of mystery.
My one true love.
**If you even exist.

Since I was a boy, I've always been told,
That one who is selfless has a heart made of gold.
But I have discovered from the wise and the old;
Selflessness grows from the heart of the bold.

I offer advice to the ones I console,
Yet something is missing; my heart isn't whole.
Behind my own barrier, there lies a big hole.
Deeper than deep and right through my soul.

Would you like to know why?
Why I sulk and I sigh?
The pain in my heart leaves me wanting to die.
Helpless and lonely, no matter how hard I try.

I wake every day, without a scoff or a moan,
Faking my smiles with a face made of stone.
Within lies a man that is sad and alone.
Like a King without a Queen, a crown, or a throne.

To top it all off, there is this one girl.
One of a kind, like a precious pink pearl.
Whenever she smiles, my head's in a whirl.
Leaving me breathless and wanting to hurl.

I clench my fists when she mentions a date.
Leaving me angry and full of pure hate,
But in an unnoticed and quite subtle state.
If only she thought I was perfect and great.

Some call me stupid, others say cold.
Some even feel I deserve a good scold.
Say what you want, I'll never be sold.
Pain's a small price for the selfless and bold.

"No, not again..." I cried to myself,
As I buried my face in the palms of my hands.
As I clenched onto a lock of my hair in each fist,
And slowly but surely loosened my grip.

So many nights in this dark room of mine,
Repeating this ritual from one night to the next.
Sometimes I pace, sometimes I drink,
But most of the time I just sit down and think.

I think to myself...
What is this, a curse?
My punishment for all my sins and misdeeds?
My refusal to believe in a man called, "God"?
For biting the hand from which I did feed?

No.
"It can't be..." I whisper in fear.
"If God does exist, he wouldn't do this to me."
"I wouldn't be cursed with such a terrible plague."

Then the demons awaken.
Just like every other night.
Forcing their way into my room every night.
Forcing their way into my head every night.
Haunting me until the sun shines on my window.

They hold my eyes open.
But I force them shut.
They whisper my thoughts,
And their voices keep me up.
Silent and still like a dark shallow pond,
But sleep refuses to rescue me.

And when that sun shines,
It's a sight I do dread.
A sight that reminds me of these mornings in bed,
When the battle is over and the demons retreat,
Into my head as I lay in defeat.

Now that it's over, I continue my day.
Keeping my curse and my demons at bay.
But even then, I dread every night,
When my demons return with a vengeance to fight.

Apathy. Cynicism. Envy. Shame.
Emotions that flood my thoughts day to day.
This darkness, This plague; It has hollowed my heart.
It has shattered my spirit and all feeling is lost.
This ghost has a name.

Regret.

Regret is the weight of the burden I bear.
It's all that I've lost when I said, "I don't care."
It's the lies that I forced myself to believe.
Opportunities I've lost in the name of ignorance.

I no longer remember who I see in the mirror.
A fellow, that I, have never seen before.
Is it him? Is it me? Was I blind, now I see?
The truth can be painful, but I must believe.

Will swallow **** before she swallows her pride.

Your smile is so innocent, but I see every crease.
Every scar and every wrinkle that tell a very interesting story.
I understand that the smile that appears before me today,
Was once lost in a valley of tears and sorrow.
Hidden in a lost city of pain and regret.
Searching for the strength to appear once again.

I question it's sincerity; whether your smile is forced or true.
Nonetheless, it's something that's so lovely on you.
It hides all your pain; masking your scars.
Hiding your tears and concealing your fears.
When I see that smile, I deny what is true.
I wouldn't mind falling for a girl like you.

Few are quite willing to go off and fight,
The sadistic and evil, in the name of what's right.

But all of us struggle as we try to attain,
The lives that we thirst for amidst all the pain.

We live with decisions that often defy,
Our own moral codes on how to get by.
We search for so long, for what makes us strong,
for what makes us weak, and where we belong.

And just when we think that we've gone through it all,
That we've gained all the knowledge of what might befall,
Reality and Life return to their places,
Keeping us guessing and changing their paces.

Our minds and emotions like to play games,
and we search for our scapegoats in place of our blames.
With this, come frustrations that continue to grow,
Disrupting life's peace and life's even flow.

The scars from these battles are not easily shown.
Hidden as secrets; remaining unknown.

The battle within is the struggle of one.
In place of the many; in place of the gun.

What an anomaly; Time, is it not?
Like a cold burning flame or ice that is hot,
It is hard to explain, but observant am I.
Time is an illusion to the untrained eye.

Isn't it odd how it seems to stand still,
Or diminish in haste along with one's will,
When the desire is lost or the flame has grown weak,
In search of life's treasures or whatever you seek?

By our own human rules, time does not abide.
Time is most valuable when not on your side.
Time is alone, neutral, and mute.
Life is a tree and time is its fruit.

Tales have been told of a fountain of youth,
And the men who went in search of its truth.
The truth is that life becomes obsolete,
When our journey through life remains incomplete.

Time is a but a concept of the brilliant human mind.
Time is an illusion to all of mankind.
Time remains still, quiet and whole.
Life's an adventure and death is our goal.

In an infinite universe, time will not last.
The future; unwritten. Forgotten; the past.
Life is the present and all life must end.
This is the truth that I choose to contend.

All the time,
I'm suffering.

Living is slowly suffocating.

I'm afraid to die.
I don't want to die.

But waiting for death seems to be the only way,
I can keep myself from getting pulled under.

Death lingers in the back of my mind,
Keeping me afloat.
Keeping me alive.

Because when I die, I can only expect one thing.

*The Truth.

I need my rest tonight.
But my mind is wide-awake.
Emotional strife in my comfortable life,
Leave me with decisions to make.

But doubt...
Is what forces my eyes open,
And keeps me pinned against my bed.

Fear
Is what makes my fists clench.
Making me repeat what I said.

It's like torture.

A pendulum axe.
Right above my bed.
Trying get inside of my head.

Why is life so difficult?
Is this really meant to be?

*The truth is everything is really up to me.

As I look upon the human race;
Just normal everyday people,
There is only one word that stands out in my mind;
Disgusting.

******* disgusting.

Putrid wastes of human space.
******* air and eating food.
They never stop eating, they never stop drinking,
While some other people starve to death.

Selfish and stupid.
People scramble for "stuff".
With money they don't have for **** they don't need.
Then they whine about working their dead end jobs.

Animals. Pigs.
Breeding like rats.
Even the ones that shouldn't reproduce.
Just making more useless ******* people,
To contribute to a materialistic, elitist, bigoted global society.

"This is cool. That is cool.
That's ******* lame."
All these stupid ******* rules.
Pop culture and the so-called, "status quo."

And how violent can people get?
Picking fights over dumb ****.
Gang members and terrorists.
It's never safe anymore.

How many more wars must we see before peace?
How many more years before love overcomes all?

It'll never ******* happen.
Because humans are pathetic.

Just another ******* animal with a bigger brain than the rest.

Fire and brimstone are nothing compared,
To the hell that I see, that I live, that I am.
You see, Hell is not a place where the ****** are condemned,
But a place in my head where Regret is the king.

It's a place where everything I wish I could've taken back,
Is played over and over and over again.
Torturing me and who I want to be,
With the image of who I was in the past.

Regret is the king, but Satan is me.
I am the accused, the shamed, the opposer.
The struggle is defining who I am today,
In the midst of the memories that I refuse to believe.

Demons are the memories that haunt me.
Beckoning me with false justification.
Chastising me with the whip of ignorance.
Killing me with the truth of my actions.

Hell is not the domain of evil.
Hell is not the source of all wrong.
Hell is a place inside of our heads.
Where we refuse to go and never want to be.

I sink.
Deep.
Further,
And further...

Down.

Until I reach the sea floor; scattered and strewn with my memories of you.
The floor beneath the Sea of Memory.

"How messy...", I think.
How will I ever find that memory of you?
That moment of bliss that you shared with me?

So I search on my knees as I dig through the dirt.
Through the memories of hell in the form of clumps.
Of **** and grime.
Of dust and filth.
In the form of all the pain that you caused me when you left.

Digging.
Digging.
Digging.

Encompassed by the sea,
I can still feel the tears rolling down my face.
Becoming a part of the Sea of Memory.

And the search goes on.

And on.
And on.
And on.

Desperation.
Suffering from starvation.
Fueled by your negation
Of our love.

The clouds of dust that I've created,
The product of my search,
Of my own aberration,
Bury me in the soil beneath the sea.

The Sea of Memory.

How could I have been so stupid?
How could I have been so naive?
To think that I could love someone
So selfish and young and naive?

Never mind, never more.
Selfish *****.
I give you myself, and still you want more?
Sometimes you want less, sometimes you want more.

Hiding the hatred and disgust in my core.

Where there was passion, she saw only thirst.
When there was selflessness, she only saw opportunity.

She called me a loser and told me to get a life.

And this is the girl who wanted to be my wife?

Another cancer stick to fuel my addiction.
It's society's version of an acceptable affliction.
I love the buzz, the taste, the flavor.
It's like pills and uppers to a whacked out raver.
I enjoy a fine smoke, like now, or when I'm high,
Patiently waiting for death to come by.

Roll another joint, pack another bowl.
To be amongst the stars is my one true goal.
Up in the sky, far beyond the moon.
High as a kite, but coming down soon.
And when the fade's gone and the worries are back,
One big fat bowl is what we will pack.

Lucy in the sky? My, oh my.
She takes my hand and away we fly.
To another world where the body cannot go,
Where you wonder what's real and what isn't so.
The truths are revealed and new questions are found,
Eyes up at the sky and feet on the ground.