I'm a dumb blonde,
But she's a beautiful brunette.
I'm the best friend,
But she's the girlfriend.
My face isn't "cute",
But her's is all the time.
I'm constantly cold,
But she has your jacket.
I'm always lonely,
But she has you for company.
I'm vulnerable,
But she's manipulative.
I'm dying inside,
But she's living by your side.
I want to be your girl,
But she already is.

Remembering the songs
I sang as a small child.
Remembering the innocence
I had as a small child.
Remembering the joy
In my heart as a small child.
Remembering the love
I felt as a small child.
Remembering the stories
That took me away as a small child.
Remembering everything
I was as a small child
Reminds me of everything
That I'm not now as a young woman.

My anger comes
In the form of tears.
I control myself
But the tremors take over.

My anger comes
In the form of silence.
I control myself
But my thoughts run wild.

My anger comes
In the form of weakness.
I control myself
But they don't know that.

My anger comes
In the form of control.
Because I know
The havoc I could wreak.

Beaches are lots of fun,
Until you realize you cannot
Go because your body,
Mind, and soul have been
Cut a million times.
Salt water burns people like me.

I wonder if I stopped eating,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped laughing,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped loving,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped talking,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped trying,
Would they notice?
I wonder if I stopped breathing,
Would they notice?

*Because I wouldn't.

My paper crown has burned.
My wings have been ripped away.
My faerie godmothers are not real,
Neither is the court of Fae.
So while I sit and wait
For a darling prince to come,
I may as well remember
That there isn't going to be one.

I have a plan.
A deep, dark plan.
Maybe they'll get there
In time to stop it,
Maybe they won't.
But I still have my plan.
And I'll stick to it.

walls built up high
they're supposed to protect
against the ocean of my mind
i let you in
let you see my thoughts
and you overwhelmed me
the waves started crashing
i started slipping under
drowning

I want to strip you bare,
Expose your core,
And watch our souls meld together.

Today is the day
I stop worrying.
Today is the day
I win.
Today is the day
I love myself.
Today is the day
I...
*Keep telling myself lies.

Insecurities
Will be the death of me..
*Feeding on my mind....

Let them run freely;
Let the tears mend your broken
Heart, my dearest child.

My new love is gone.
Sadness and darkness are here.
I am alone now.

Another year is gone,
Not feeling as strong.

Another year goes by,
Makes me want to cry.

Another year I'm bereft
Of everything left.

Another year I say:
*Take my pain away...

"You're a failure."
I cry at her words.
"You're just a stupid *****."
I cry again.
"He doesn't love you."
I nod in agreement.
"You're a mistake."
I nod again.
"You should be punished."
I cut.
"You deserve pain and misery."
I cut again.
"You don't deserve to live."
Silence.
"Finally decided to listen to me?"
Silence again.
"Hello?"
"Are you there?"
"Don't leave me!"
My reflection went quiet.
She cried...
She agreed...
She cut...
And she died because of me.

My heart is hurting,
Don't know why...
It feels like
I'm dying inside.

My eyes are leaking,
Tears rolling down...
I wished that I
Would've drown.

Why did I say
That awful thing...
I don't regret wishing
Heaven's bells would ring.

The darkness envelops
My sad mind...
Not a thing illuminated,
I am blind.

Every single thought is
Laced with pain...
Like a crimson river,
Blood pours down the drain.

I have died in
My mind already...
I don't want to move;
I feel unsteady.

I look in the mirror,
And shy away...
It hurts to see myself
In such disarray.

I do not wish
To see myself...
The horror as I realize
I am no longer my old self.

I used to speak
Of the monsters...
The ones hiding
Underneath my bed.

My heart is hurting;
I know why...
*Because now I am
The monster that's hiding inside.

words dance across
the pages of that
worn, old paper

my eyes dart
back and forth
like small fish
hoping to find
some morsel of nourishment

but all i have found
is bitter hate and despise-
things that are inedible

but i gobble them up-
desperate for anything
your hand provides

they say do not bite
the hand that feeds you

but what if that is the
same hand that
stabs and bruises your heart?
what then, little fish?

do you continue to
**** yourself by consuming
their poisoned love?

or do you simply choose
to live and swim away?

"I woke up."
   And wished I was dead.
"I walked through the house."
   Like a zombie.
"I kissed and hugged my mother."
   And my body was in so much pain.
"I ate my breakfast."
   And felt sick to my stomach.
"I grabbed my clothes and got dressed."
   But I stared at my scars and cuts first.
"I started my schoolwork."
   And wished I could disappear.
"I turned in assignments."
   But I already knew what my grades would be.
"I ate lunch; I had a sandwich."
   I didn't want to eat. Why do they make me?
"I went back and did more school."
   And wished I wasn't alive; did I mention that already?
"I did my chores."
   And thought of all the ways I could leave.
"I ate dinner."
   Because they always make me eat.
"I did more school until ten."
   Then collapsed into bed, not wanting to exist.
"I laid in my bed wide awake, thinking, until about two a.m."
   I didn't want to sleep 'cause I don't like nightmares.
"I thought about life, conversations, etc."
   Ways I could off myself, why I hate myself, etc.
"I finally fell asleep around two-fifteen."
   The nightmares get worse and worse.
   Please don't make me do it again.
   I don't want to live another day.
   Please don't make me live life.
"Then the day started again when I woke up at about five."
   *Please.

No One knows

my quiet struggle

every single day.

No One knows

how hard it is

to not turn and

run away.

No One knows,

No One knows.



No One is always

there to help me

see the brighter side;

No One listens

to the way my

poor heart cries.

No One does,

No One does.



No One says

I'm an angel;

that nothing could

taint my pure,

white wings.

But Everyone says

that I'm stained.

Everyone says the

meanest, cruelest things.

Everyone says,

Everyone says.



Everyone thinks

I'm ugly, and hates

the way I sing.

Everyone loves

to break my

beautiful angel wings.



No One helped me

fix them up, and

dried all my tears.

No One says

he loves me,

and that he'll

face all my fears.

No One loves me,

No One loves me.



No One gives me

hope, in my years

to come.

No One says

"It'll get better!"

as my heart beats

like a drum.

No One hopes for me,

No One hopes for me.



No One tried

to save me,

from this ledge

of pain and misery.

No One helped

me down and

held me gingerly.

No One cares,

No One cares.



No One loves me,

No One cares;

No One will always

be there.

No One wants me,

No One cried

when I tried

to jump; but

No One convinced

me otherwise.

dreams crushed
hopes shattered
here i sit in my
thoughtless wonder

joy diminished
sadness increased
here i walk in my
thoughtless wonder

heart spoiled
brain rotted
here i tie my
thoughtless wonder

peace disturbed
anguish expanded
here i hang my
thoughtless wonder

pain interrupted
madness depleted
here i die in my
thoughtless wonder.

You've made me feel
Alive again.
After so many years of
Being dead.

You've made me feel
Safe again.
After so many years of
Crippling fear.

You've made me feel
Happy again.
After so many years of
Excruciating pain.

You've made me feel
Loved again.
After so many years of
Searing hate.

You've made me feel
Something*  again.
After so many years of
Lonely nothingness.

*You've made me feel
Alive again.
After so many years of
Being dead.

"Shhh....
No one needs to know..."
The razor whispered
To her skin as
It violated her.

I'm young.
I'm scarred.
I'm traumatized.
So why do I want *that?

Teenage boys staring,
Thinking ***** thoughts.
Teenage me wishing
They would just go away.

A picture of me
In a dress now ruined,
Because of their
Disgusting thoughts.

"You wish she
Was taking it off,
Don't you?"
They asked my friend.

"You wish you
Were in getting that
Dress, don't you?"
They asked him again.

I was angry,
Hurt, and humiliated.
I took it out
On my family.

My parents became
Angry and upset
With me and my
Friendship paid the price.

No longer allowed
To speak to him,
See him,
Or be friends.

That was the
Price of teenage boys
Sexualizing an innocent
Photo of a broken girl.

Small, white flower-
So innocent and fragile,
Lovely and new;
Reminds me much of myself
In days of old.

Small, white flower-
Drooping and thirsting,
Awaiting someone to tend to you;
Reminds me much of myself
In days of late.

Small, white flower-
Tired and withered,
Falling to the ground;
Reminds me much of myself
In days of now.

"Once upon a time, I knew you.
I knew your quirks and comebacks,
Your fears and failures.
I knew when you were sad before you did
And how to cheer you up (cheesy jokes and vanilla ice cream).
I knew which Dum-Dum flavor was your favorite,
And the ritual you'd perform before a game.
I knew how you acted just before you broke up
With yet another girlfriend that you deemed wasn't The One.
But now... I hardly know you at all.
I suppose we've become like strangers.
Wandering and tip-toeing around each other,
Not sure how to approach and say hello correctly.
But of course, the most obvious question to finally ask
Would be the one that I am terrified of.
The one that's kept me awake at night as I've imagined
Meeting you again.
'How have you been over the years?'
A simple question. But a hard one.
Because I'm terrified of how happy you will tell me you are
Without me."
       *-an excerpt from a book I will never write.

My eyesight is fuzzy
My thoughts are static;
Tonight's show is on:
Depression and Madness.

Angry tears stream down
My face as I fight to control
My demons, my thoughts,
And my body.
Because all I want to do
Is just slam a fist into the wall
And curse the world.
But I can't do that.
I mustn't make things worse.

I could end it all;
Right here, right now.
I'm home alone,
And I shouldn't be.
I'm dangerous.
I'm ugly.
I'm stupid.
I'm an addict.
I'm awful.
They shouldn't have left
Me all alone with my thoughts.
Because my thoughts
*May just get the best of me.

The death of a loved one
Hurts so **** bad.
Everyone says "They're in a better place"
Or "At least they aren't in pain".
But what about me?
I'm left without a friend,
A lover, a piece of my heart.
My world is shattered;
I cut myself with the shards of glass,
As I try to piece everything back together.
You may be in a better place,
But I'm still here.
Sad.
Alone.
The death of a loved one
Hurts.
So.
****.
Bad.

sometimes my pain
is yelling at my family
not even remembering why
sometimes my anger
is crying in my room alone
being careful not to make a sound
sometimes my sadness
is standing in the rain
wishing it would wash me away
sometimes my depression
is lying in bed and wanting to get up
but not being able to lift the chains
sometimes my breath
is stolen from my lungs
feeling all of this at once
sometimes my mind
is numb and empty
feeling nothing at all
sometimes im just... there
not feeling anything
but not feeling nothing
and sometimes in those moments
i wish i was dead.

Sweating, hurting;
I've been working all day.
Lifting, heaving;
I don't mind, I'm strong.
Chopping, gripping;
I can take it, the pain is nothing.
Carrying, moving;
My mind starts wandering.
Raising, digging;
I say "I'm so tired..."
Pushing, straining;
Isn't that how you feel every day?
Shaking, holding;
It's cutting into my hands.
Don't deny it. You know you want to quit.
Kneeling, struggling;
Just let it go, you'll feel so much better.
Trembling, groaning;
Drop it, **** it! Let it crush you!
Seizing, hoisting;
I will not.
Hefting, bearing;
Yes, you will. Let the weight crush you NOW!
Shoving, throwing;
No! You can't do that! That's not fair-
Falling, relaxing;
I'm so tired, but now I can rest peacefully.
Sleeping, dreaming;
I've thrown my past away.

I miss him;
I wonder if he's thinking about me?
I wonder if he's missing me too?
He says he does, but sometimes
Doubt just creeps into my mind...
It says "He doesn't really love you.";
"He doesn't really want
To be with you.";
"He wouldn't care if you..."
And that's where I must stop.
Because what follows would
Show just how pathetic I am.
I don't want him to see
Me as pathetic and pity me...
He might leave if he sees my true self.
I don't want him to leave.
Please don't leave.
*Don't leave me...

My type of poetry
Is not meant to bring
Joy, happiness, and warm feelings.
It is meant to cause
The hardest of hearts to feel,
The driest of eyes to cry,
And the toughest of men to feel weak.
It is not meant to be read aloud;
It is meant to be read while
You are alone at night, crying
Because you are tired.
It is meant to let you know
That someone else out here
Feels your pain and knows what it's like.
It is meant to break you down
And help you build yourself
Up again because you are strong.
You will make it through this.
You'll make it through
Because deep down,
You know you aren't searching
For poems about depression
Late at night because you want
Inspiration to **** or hurt yourself.
No.
You want to know someone else
Out there in this cruel
******* world understands.
You want to know someone cares,
And that someone else feels the pain.
You want to know it gets better,
That there is in fact a light
At the end of the tunnel.
And let me tell you,
I struggle too.
Most days, I can't see that light,
That faint residue of hope.
But that's okay.
Because it's the journey that counts.
And you and I
Are on this journey together.

My mind is too full of my thoughts...

                                      Sinking deeper into the abyss.
                             My thoughts swallow me up and then
                         I am consumed by the everlasting darkness.
                      Liarwhoreawfulbitchslutfailure­paincrysadness
                      Notenoughidiotdisappointment­terriblepathetic
                      Dieleavesuicideweakcuthurt­unwanteduglydumb
                       Alonebrokendepresseddarkevilcoldunhappy
                         Cryingstupidnothingharmbloodanger
                           I am sinking deeper into
                           The death of my
                           Terrible
                           Mind.

The dark, velvet sky envelopes
Us as we lay underneath a sea of stars.
We lay there, quiet as we memorize
Each other's features and souls.
Your eyes are the fire that
Keeps me warm through the night,
Your arms are the home I long for.
Your body wraps around mine
And your heartbeat slows.
Peacefully you drift away
And I fall deeper in love with you.

Breaking down crying
For the third ******* time in
Three days. Please help me.

I'm so tired.
Not the tired that people
Normally say to express themselves;
Not "I've been working" tired.
Not "I need sleep" tired.
(Though I do need some..)
My kind of tired
Is deep within my soul.
Like someone has taken knives
And chains a-and whips and... and ropes
And tortured my poor soul.
Which, I suppose they have.
And by they, I mean him.
And also myself.

He cut into it with his lies,
He cut it out of me, my soul,
And held his prize for all to see.
Torturing me with memories,
Little things;
Sometimes it's a song,
Other times it's a phrase.
But most often,
It's the shame and regret I feel.

The shame of saying those ***** things;
The regret of ever even saying hello.
The shame of being so stupid,
And not seeing him for what he was.
What he is.
The pain I brought to my family;
All of my self-esteem- gone.
The harm I brought to my wrist
As I sought for a way out.
Some days, it's harder than others;
But all of my days are dark.

Except for when I forget
For that brief moment what I did,
And then the light shines through.
I'm smiling at him;
Laughing, even.
His eyes are my saving grace,
And his smile brings me joy;
He makes me forget all of those things,
Even if it's just for a moment.
And when those feelings,
Those memories,
Those things resurface,
He simply smiles at me and says:
*"I still love you, no matter what."

Gasping for air,
Sobbing;
Trying to grab ahold
Of something.

Crying out in pain,
Shaking;
Trying to call out
To anybody.

Screaming at the world,
Trembling;
Trying to make them
Hear me.

Going silent once more,
Hiding;
No once cares enough
To listen.

My poor, glass heart

has been jumbled around,

insulted, kicked.

It has been dented,

chipped, flicked.

What's more, is that

it has been left

lying on the floor.

Stepped upon, stomped,

bruised all over.

It's as though I

carry an unlucky clover.

So, please, I beg you!

Be careful with

my poor glass heart;

I fear even just one

more hurt will

tear it apart.

She sank deeper
         And deeper
               And deeper
                     Into the abyss
                          Of her poor, dark mind.

Once a burning flame,
I am now only a single,
Dying coal in the dark
Parts of my mind.

Her mind is a storm,
Her heart is the ocean.
But he is the firm land
In which she plants her feet.