promise me that when i’m gone
you won’t cry, that you’ll stay strong
promise me you’ll never compromise
on health or education
& you’ll never stop caring
about your people or your nation
promise me you’ll exercise
drink lots of water and eat well
promise me you’ll make the most of every day
and not see this world as a living hell
surround yourself with positivity
stay away from all the hate
always trust your instinct
and never give in to fate
kiss your mother everyday
give your little brother hugs
sit outside and breathe the fresh air
drink herbal tea out of cute mugs
do things for yourself
but never forget your duties
you are a great person with great potential
and with that comes great responsibilities
make a change in this world
be loyal, honest and just
find someone to live your life with
someone to truly love, not just lust
find purpose and meaning
and do things with good intentions
offer your help to strangers
every time pain or difficulty is mentioned
promise me just one little thing
that you’ll take care of yourself and others
promise me you’ll always be
the kind of son dreamt of by your mother
be true to yourself
that’s all i ask
never let your personality
be veiled by a mask
promise me when i’m gone
you’ll continue on
show the world your true colors
& *make me proud

you smelt of
nicotine and wild dreams
tapping your feet
to the music inside your head
that no one else could hear

& as you put away your box of cigarettes
i couldn't help but wonder
what it would be like
for you to be more addicted to me
than to *your marlboros

you gave me that
"i know you want me" smile

& amongst the heat of the summer,
with flowers blooming on every corner,
the streets flooded with vendors selling handmade trinkets
& three layered icecreams to die for
i couldn't deny the fact
that indeed,
none of those things could even compare
to the look on your face

in that moment,
i truly could not have wanted anything
more than
*i wanted you

shuffling feet & carry-on suitcases
walking through countries
temporarily nameless, faceless, homeless
in the middle of nowhere
cut off from society
people who, for the time being,
don’t really belong anywhere
a mixture of nationalities & cultures
thousands of different languages,
different races,
different colors
just passing through the terminal
one country to another
some with a final destination in mind
others finding meaning in the journey itself
a lack of permanency
a lack of belonging

i must admit
there’s just something about airports
which *makes me feel very much at home

his
nails
slid down
her
thighs
as he
kissed
her
goodbye

he called
it
love
but
there was
something
corrupt

his hands
didn't
belong
there
and
neither
did
his words

they
left her
broken
they
left her
burnt

he's
miles
away
and
she
cries
in bed

repeating
all the
words
she
never
said

maybe
she
deserved it
maybe
she
still does

but
something
about this
doesn't
feel
like love

his
hazel
eyes
and
voice
so
raw

his
fingertips
felt
so wrong

did
she love
him
or did
she love
the
pain?

the torture
of being
forced
to scream
his name

little
girl
gone
too
soon

her
broken
dreams
rest
in
the
tomb

her
desire
to
be
loved
left
in
the womb

while he
lives
his life
dancing
to
his
own
tune.

there's more to 'i need you' than meets the eye
the deep pangs, in waves, that crash inside
the emptiness and loneliness
my body begging to be touched
the late nights and the early mornings
the pain that stabs without warning
when i see a couple with fingers intertwined
i go back to the days when you were mine
good & bad
ugly & true
there was so much more
to me and you
it's all gone now and
'i need you' doesn't do justice
no words, no poems
can describe how much i miss us

she's yelling at her reflection
as tears run down her pretty face
"you're happy, you're ******* happy"
she screams at the mirror
"you're ******* HAPPY
you have parents
and a home
a boyfriend
and a best friend
so what if daddy's packing his bags
and he's forgotten all the promises he made
and mommy's stopped talking
isolating herself from everyone
even her little girl
and that life under your roof is a living hell
because everyones coexisting
but no one speaks to each other besides over text
so what if your boyfriend lives miles away
you don't get to hug him everyday
it kills you knowing you can't hold him close
and that your best friend hasnt eaten in weeks
her hair's begun to fall out and and she's lost her personality
you have money and shelter and resources
you rich *****
BE HAPPY"

-i wish i had the guts to rip open my skin and pull out the sadness that lies within.

i always knew i tempted your desires
your hungry eyes on my fair thighs
i saw the way you looked at me
when i bent over to pick up a flower from the ground
to tuck behind my ear; my curls laughing in the wind
i was warm and gentle with a fire in my eyes and a taste for danger
you couldn't place me: whether i was a ****** or a *****
the curve of my back told you stories about hands sliding in my pants
but the freckle on my cheeks told you i'd never touched a man in my life
you weren't sure what excited you more
thinking i was a **** for free,
a school girl without a history,
or knowing that you'd never know which one i was.
i knew that the length of my neck
gave you ideas about your teeth staining the skin
that my pink parted mouth
was built for you to crawl inside it
baby girl or ***** *****
you never could decide which
only that i played out your ******-***** fantasies
untouchable, waiting for you.
innocent outside, ***** to the core.

i always knew i tempted your desires
by my mere existence and the shape of a woman
i saw the way you looked at me
but i never thought you'd pin me to the wall
while i screamed for freedom into your hand
my muffled cries tempted your desires and you couldn't help but enjoy it
when the blood ran down my thighs
your dilemma was solved
and you realized that no one had touched me
the way you had
that tempted your desires
so you did it
again
and
again
and
again
until
i no longer
bled
or
cried
the fire
in
my
eyes
died
and
you
were
no
longer
tempted
by
my
******
in-betweens
or
the
dimples
in
my cheeks.

you
walked
away
free.

have his tired eyes,
weary sighs
and silent cries
still not made you realize
that he's tired of your lies?
he knows you'll never love him, no matter how hard he tries.
darling, you are leading him to his demise.
and yet, it is you, only you, whom he will never despise.

*how much will he take
before he breaks?

the tides are closing in
the moon is just in reach
the grass seems taller

she's tripping
it's a whirlwind
sunsets in the sky tonight

we always met in between lovers*

we were 16 and broken hearted
he hurt me and she left you
and somewhere in the pain
we found each other for a moment
we were always a moment
never to be more
but for that moment
we didn't want more

few years later and we found ourselves
someone else
and silence prevailed over our bond
and that was okay;
i never told him about you
you never told her about me
we didn't need to
we were a moment
a moment gone
a moment preserved
and those years, they passed
i lost track
of where you were or who you became

until
we met in between lovers

she couldn't be with you anymore
i couldn't be with him anymore
we came back with new stories
new heartbreaks to share
we came back with memories
that we couldn't bare
to lose
we came back with the need
to not be alone for a while
someone to hear the
silence of our words
and so we spoke
and we spoke
and found comfort that we would never be
we could never be
and that was what made it
so easy
and we spoke
about loss and love
and so i spoke
about how i missed his touch
and so you spoke
about the smell of her hair
and so i spoke
about the color of his eyes
and so we laughed
about that day when this happened
and so we cried
about that day when that happened
and we spoke.
and we spoke.
and we spoke.

we always met in between lovers
we would never be lovers
we didn't need to be.

few years down the line
i wonder if i'll see you again
and it's bittersweet
because meeting you
means i have lost another
and i wonder
why do we always meet
not as friends
but
brokenhearted
between lovers?

I was certain
that I had gotten
over the fact
that we were in the past
until I realized today
that I checked your blog
every single day
in hopes
of knowing what
is going through
your wondrous mind
the last time you posted
was when the leaves had fallen
and the ground was sprinkled with snow
new trees have long grown
and flowers are in full bloom
but I still think of you
and hope you may think of me too

i remember those nights
when you just couldn't stay away
sneaking in at 2am
because you had to see my face
grabbing me with both hands
you smelt of smoke and love
me standing there in my pajamas
thinking to myself 'this is enough'
because in that moment when you were there
i needed nothing else
it was mid-summer and worries faded
i could finally take my heart off the shelf
we were just two kids
with too little freedom and dreams too big
we didn't know where we were going
but we knew we'd make it
that trip to the beach
when you clasped the pendant around my neck
it was a seal of the summer
dangling gold right next to the mark you left with your lips
do you still remember sneaking in through back doors?
silent footsteps, trying not to get caught
we closed the door and let summer rain
threw away the key and solidified the lock
the night my parents went out
and for once, i didn't have to hide
you walked in straight through the door
for once, i could give up the constant fight
do you remember how we stayed in bed
the whole time you were there?
do you remember what it was like
to be void of all fear?
and when we used your uncle's house
to celebrate being reunited
we'd been away from each other for so long
the desire; we couldn't fight it
we've snuck through every closed door
we've broken all the rules
we've lived the life we knew we wanted
we've been kings and queens, we've been fools
but then one fine day
reality kicked us in the face
summer froze over
and responsibilities hovered
with miles between us
too much to say
the words lost in translation
longing for just one more day
because our bodies spoke more
than our words every could
and now that summer's gone
we're doing our best to survive this cold
passion lasts best
when the heat sets in
the frost has taken over
i don't know where to begin
but i know that one look
into your eyes
will give me the purpose
will give me the drive
those summer nights
they fade away
but i have hopes
for a shot at another day
because summer is always
just a moment away
and once it arrives
i know we'll seize the day
until then i will dream
and reminisce on the times
when you were i;
when you were mine.

don't hold me to the promises
i whispered in your ear
with my champagne tongue
rolling in that bed of roses

what happens at midnight
need not see the dawn.

what I miss about you most is the way you kept trying to impress me even though you knew I was head over heels in love with you

what I miss about you most is the way you let my white lies go because you knew it wasn’t worth arguing (no damage done)

what I miss about you most is the way you’d sing to me all night if I asked you to, even if you had a sore throat

what I miss about you most is the way you’d sneak out of the house just to talk to me even though your dad would **** you if he found out

what I miss about you most is the fact that you wanted to introduce me to all the special people in your world as if inviting me into your life to stay

what I miss about you most is how you listened to me night after night and reassured me day after day without a word of complaint

what I miss about you most is the way you’d admire me and look at me with eyes full of acceptance and trust like I was the only star in your sky

**but what I miss the most- truly miss the most- is not needing to write down what I miss about you because you were always there and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I’d ever have to narrate the story of us in the past tense rather than present, future or even past continuous and this hollow feeling inside me has driven me to insanity with its bitter longing and sorrowful regret because what I dearly deeply honestly miss the most is everything we were and everything we were to be

-to be human is to sin

you tell me that good people are everywhere
but where are all these good people
when the facts are screaming
"emergency, emergency"
"alert, alert"
when the facts say
that almost every ******* this planet
has at least once in her life
been touched in a way she didn't consent to
the facts say that most ****** predators
are known to the children
fathers;
fathers have ***** their daughters
while mothers cry silently
because the world does not want to hear
the stories under the blanket
the guilt and the shame
the pain.
the pain.

you say there are good people
show me
show me
that boy who gives to charity
his hand rode up my skirt last week
that girl who prays five times a day
she watched as her boyfriend called me a *****

my five year old cousin knows what it's like to be penetrated

i lost my virginity before i got my period

my best friend doesn't want to be touched because she sees her ******'s face in every man

i was blackmailed by a boy who said he wanted to marry me

my mom;
my mom and i have bonded over
what it feels like
to have
a man inside you
who doesn't
doesn't
belong there

what kind of god wants an empty heaven?
because the kind of people on this earth
the filthy **** who carved their names between my thighs
there are too many
there are too many
men who have done
women who have watched
silent observers
silent thieves
murderers
no one says anything
then they pray to god
but their sins
their sins are on my skin
see me
see me as i burn
see me as i burn
because if these repenters
who have lived their lives
hurting others
who say their grace
then stuff their ***** in my face
if these repenters
are who i will find in heaven
then i do not want to go
i do not want to go
to a heaven with them
i do not want to go
to a paradise
that looks a whole lot like hell

but if god
chooses to not forgive these repenters
then heaven will be empty
because we are sinners
we are all sinners
we ask for forgiveness
then do it again

i have lied
i have cheated
i have wished ill upon another

tell me; am i good person?
was he a good person?
when he ***** me then apologized
when he ***** me then prayed
when he ***** me then cried
and said he made a mistake

when he ***** me
said sorry
and did it again.

if he makes it to heaven
i'll take the other train
if he does not
then none of us will
because our devils are too clean
and our angels too *****

i'm not quite sure if i'm looking for repentance or for revenge
i have done wrong and i have been wronged
is there a place for me in heaven?

what kind of god wants an empty heaven?
what kind of god wants a heaven full of sinners?

where is the god that will love me?

where is the god that will forgive me?

where do you think he is right now?
somewhere across the sky
writing love letters to a girl
who doesn't have a tint of green in her eyes
(he always said that was my most beautiful feature)
where do you think he is right now?
somewhere between the seas
sketching her undressed body
one free of bruised thighs
(he loved the purple against the white of my skin)
where do you think he is right now?
somewhere where the clouds run wild
watching the sunset, holding her hand
her nails aren't short and manicured
(he loved how mine were always neat)
where do you think he is?
somewhere where the memory of me floats
lying next to a girl with a birthmark on her neck
*(but he was still in love with the girl with a birthmark next to her mouth)

i thought you were the first; not the only. i thought being in love with you was how dating was supposed to work. i thought you felt this way about everyone you went on a date with. saying i love you a month into knowing each other, for me, was "normal". i thought love came and went with everyone with whom time was spent.

this wasn't the case.

i'm walking down the street with this new boy next to me and internally i'm groaning. he's rich as heck and sure he's not the best looking but he seems ok. he isn't boring but i'm so bored. he isn't annoying but i'm so annoyed. i don't want to be here, in a tesla in sunny california. i feel nothing for him and i don't want his lips on mine. his perfume smells good but i don't want him on my skin. i don't want him.

i don't want him.

he calls me in the middle of the night and asks if i want to go on an adventure. i love adventures. i love late nights under the stars when nothing is holding you back. i love being alive and feeling like life isn't over just yet. i tell him i'm tired. i go to bed. i sleep. i don't want to have an adventure with him because it feels forced and unnatural. i don't want to dance in the rain or smoke under the falling leaves. i don't want to hold his hand or talk to him about philosophy.

i don't love him.

i thought i'd fall in love with him or the other him or the one after him but heck, i'm not falling in love at all. these are just bodies with beautiful souls that do not connect to mine. perhaps i haven't given them the space to touch my heart, spirit, and mind. or perhaps me and you were a one-off. maybe you were the one for me. the one that got away. i could see myself marrying you. i always knew i could raise daughters, but with you, i could see myself raising a son.

where do i go from here?

when i think of home i think of you standing by the bed with your pajama pants on. i think of my curly hair and bare legs. i think of your oversized shirts and my pink tanktop. i think of the mundane things that felt like heaven. home is your new haircut. home is your old shoes. home is laying in your lap. home is you.

you say you're dating a
"white girl from virginia"
and I laugh.

it's too much to ask
that you give me a chance
and i don't want to beg.

let's forget that we stay up
all night talking
we're on our way to
saving the world together.

let's forget that you go on hikes
with my dad and i have tea
with your mom.

let's forget that your name makes
my blood slow down a little
it's the kind of love which makes you
feel like you're at home.

i don't know if you ever loved me
i just know that i've always loved you.

maybe my skin was too brown
my name was too ethnic
maybe i just wasn't the right fit.

i hope you love her the way i do
silently, heavily, kindly.

if i hold my silence now
i'll regret it forever
if i hold my regrets now
i'll stay silent forever.

you dated a brown girl
only to marry a white girl.

tell me how to separate
these wounds from my
colonial scars.
i'm still here,
trying to make it
in a world that wasn't made for me.

you fell in love with a brown girl
only to marry a white girl.

tell me how to feel like
i wasn't your taste test
i wasn't your "cultural experience"
i know you fell in love with me
you learnt my language
you memorized my tongue
but the night was
way too young.

will you give your child an "ethnic" name?
will your daughter have my name?
or was i just one of your
growing pains.

i'm just like my mother
falling for the ******
colonizer.
(i'd let you destroy me,
anyday)

who are you when you are no one to anyone?
when your relationships cannot defend themselves
when the night closes in and you are not a daughter,
not a sister, not a friend, not a mother, not a lover.

who are you when your achievements sink into the ground
when your trophies and medals and memories of conquer
melt into ash on the floor, swept away by the breeze.

who are you when you have no first name, no last name
when you cannot show a form of identification
no passport, no student ID, no document that can say
look, this is me, this is who i am, this is my identity.

who are you when no one remembers you?
when you are not even a memory of those you once loved
of those you still love; when no one remembers the years or the hours
you spent with them, talked to them, touched them- who are you?

who are you when you are no one to anyone?
not even yourself.
when the world cannot speak for you
when the world cannot remember you
who are you when you have nothing left;
no one left.
who are you,
when you are no one?

we were never married
but in those few months,
we lived.
we lived more than a married couple ever could,
ever would,
ever will.

and then one day
he was gone.
and it was as if all of a sudden
the sunsets lost their delight
and the waves their majesty

an abundance of time was given to me
in my empty hands
and i did not know what to do with it

it did not hurt
i did not cry
i became voiceless
quiet as the night sky

widowed at 16,
i lived my life in silence
lost to the cause
of love left abandoned

"all you're left with in the end are regrets, brah."

"I've always felt like a yellow skittle in a sea of red skittles."

"what a coincidence. yellow skittles happen to be my favorite flavor of skittles."

"ok."*

*"ok."