You knew exactly how I was feeling
and yet you still dragged me along
through the dirt and leafs that fall
you somehow expect me to forgive
and forget- I don't think you know
me, no.. you never did.

Self centered woman
you're so wrong about
so many things I can't
even begin to reach
for half of my dreams
because of your words
that lead me to believe
I've failed you- maybe
I'm not what you were
wanting so badly..
but telling me lies and
staying away from him
will not change the way
that I feel about you-
disappointed.

Dizzy not silly
tears are forming
inhale - exhale
feelings swarming.

Maybe it'll rain
wash away this pain
inhale - exhale
today.

Drowning
you're not
around me
inhale - exhale
just surround me.

No apathy
lines are discrete
inhale - exhale
inside empty sheets.

Feelings ricochet
please don't
go away
inhale - exhale
nothing remains.

My heart raced so unsteadily as I read the sentences that you sent to me
I know that you love me and I hope you know that I'm in love with you..
I'm aware that some of the things that I write (some being most) aren't all that happy, I can get stuck in dark places sometimes and have problems while trying to find my way out of them but I think I'll just stop worrying for a while and try to be happy, especially if that means being happy with you.. I don't want to give you any reason(s) to be upset or worry so I'll try my best not to.

I guess it's too complicated for us to stay friends
after everything that's happened
I'm sorry that I can't take it back
you were my bestest friend and
now we don't even say hello or
associate with eachother in the
slightest amount of words or chatter.
and it's a shame because to you; *I mattered.

I'm running across this uneasy ground
trying so hard to keep sticking around
facing a battle that just won't pan out..
so many people are falling down
it makes me wonder why I of all people
would continue to walk along this road
full of gravel and never-to-be-pieced-to-
gether-stone.
If only life weren't such a hard puzzle
to figure out, why is it such a struggle?
stress is all you've been inhaling lately,
and you've been trying so hard to avoid
it but that's just too bad.. **stress is reality.

Alone*
is what I really am
not really wanted
I'll just stop existing
anyways- *I'm exhausted
tired of being used
always forgotten..
*so I guess this is goodbye..

Normally I'd fall asleep
in such a calm state,
it was like a dream
but there's no sleeping
with you around
I'm too attracted to the sounds
that escape from your lips
every giggle that slips out
makes me smile all too well
it's almost as if you're a drug-
inside of my heart is a flood
full of fun things I never get
the chance to see
*thanks for everything.

I will remember how you kissed me*
is just a line from a song that I've
been listening to for hours wondering
if you've been listening too I wish you
wouldn't have made me miss you like
this- it's not normal for me to want to
be wanted and looked at like I matter
to someone..

I don't want kids if this is what's in store for them:
depression, diseases, anxiety, emotionlessness, goodbyes, heartbreaks, bullies, stomach aches, pain, sorrow, tears, anger, even happiness can be cruel at times it can be worse than having a life threatening fever. But that
doesn't mean I don't want the good things for them:
goodnight sleep-tights, I love yous, first words, joy, exploring, going out as a family, not having to worry about abandonment or exporation dates
maybe someday the world will be a good enough place to have you here.
But right now all that I see are terrible things and not-meant-to-bes.

I'm wearing a candy necklace as I walk around this village there are so many thing that I happen to be seeing I see a little old lady crossing the street as I move the necklace between my lips and bite off a circular; flavorless piece little kids are playing and I'm shuffling my feet I sure do wish I could start all over in this life but somehow know everything that I do now I would eat less and stop trying to figure out how when where and why there are too many reasons and things in life to always be flooding inside of my mind as I'm sitting on a bench I pull the last pill off from this necklace and notice how things are becoming blurry   ..Maybe this time I'll do better and think less about things that shouldn't mean anything. What's the point anyways everything is hopeless these days I'm not doing anything it's a struggle to stay awake I used to sleep at night and go outside during the day but now I just want everything and everyone to disappear; go away which is why I'm leaving the planet today.

I'm sorry for mumbling
so often I'm nervous
I've been told too many
times to hush
or to be quiet
if I ever heard it from you
I'd probably fall silent
for many reasons actually
you're someone who truly
f a s c i n a t e s   me..
I'd hate to bore someone
who's just so intriguing

You engraved a mark on me
a mark that will never leave
something that I'll never forget
and forever be cursed with
but now I'm the forgotten
and even if I remember it all
I'd be surprised if you remember..

What the **** is wrong with me?
I'm itching at my skin
trying to keep out of
this snare that is baiting me in
I'm so paranoid, I'm not sure
where I should start to begin
anything that moves inside of
this tiny room that I'm stuck in
I notice and am afraid of
but I cannot sleep- I want to be
w a n t e d ; talked to or something
don't let the bugs eat me tonight
part of me wants to stay alive.

I'm not sure if I'm tired or wide awake
but I know for a ******* fact that if
I see one more black thing
dart from point A to point B
out of the corner of my eyes-
I'm switching rooms tomorrow night,
I'm sick of waking up paralyzed
from drunken dreams that force me
to think of him and wonder why
I can't be wrapped up in his arms.

I might act like I don't care
but underneath what I wear
I'm an utter fool for you
I'd bend over backwords
to make your dreams come true
and it's all because I love you
I'm sorry if sometimes I seem
a little distant-
it's mostly because I'm trying
my best to be more realistic
and give you the space
that you say you'll take
I just don't want to make a mistake
and cause either of our hearts to break
sometimes it can be tricky-
controlling my feelings
because I can get clingy
there is a side of me,
that you have yet to see
please, no matter what
do not abandon me..
because I have feelings for you.

You released a mechanical type of chemical inside of my brain it drove me insane but *you did it anyways.

The only anagram that I can't stand to read
is one that was just between you and me
the nag a ram was simple and meant a million things
at least it did to me
At times I wonder if it meant half of those things to you.

You were the pomegranate nail polish
I wore yesterday but have wiped off today.
I'm ready for everything to finally change
without you I'll be rearranged; in a better
state of mind, with you I was wasting my time.

I hope he knows that I care
that I'm wishing I were there
beside the tall boy that I just
couldn't help but fall into.

I guess this is goodbye
because it was all a lie
when you see me around
don't bother saying hi
or any other kind of hello
because I'll ignore you
to avoid more pain
I should've realised
that you could see the disdain
smothered all over my face
but this is the end because I'm
tired of two worded conversations
and the feeling I get when I read
what you've written and just are
unable to delete. You still have feelings,
just not for me.

Please don't hate me
if I lose you
I'll go crazy
you're my everything
don't you know that?
how could you not..?
Everything we've shared
was it all in my thoughts?!

Why do I fall out of love
after I've fallen in-
only to be heart broken
over and over again..?
Is this the end
because I don't want it to be
please tell me that I'm dreaming
..this is all just a  blurry  mess
and I won't be left behind again
if I'm left once more to wallow
I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it.

I take another sip of this drink that kills me
sit back in my chair and think about things
negative, positive, foolish and embarrasing
everything basically is flooding my mind.
I wonder why the Earth continues to spin
when my world is stuck in a never ending death wish
I turn on some music and try to forget about it.

Empty house
yet noise
surrounds, me
funny how
the world
betrays me.

Well it looks like I'm back in Hell
trapped within the walls that they
say I should be call-ing my home
but no, this place isn't a home to me
no where with you can ever be.

Furiously caught up in you..
I see the sun rising from the East
and am notified that you're asleep
because you're on the other side of
the country, where the sun decides
to set each night; in the West
so you can't quite see the light yet
but I can and it taunts me because
it knows what I'm thinking-
I wish it wouldn't rise this morning
because if I can't see anything then
there's no way to be reminded of you
there's no light to shine through the
cracks and windows in my room to
wake me up and say:
"guess what.."
**No, just go away.

She stares at her keyboard
wondering what to write next
she has so many things that
need to be said;

I'm tired of hating myself
and aways searching for
people that will accept me
for everything that I am,

I love myself now and I'm glad.

That's all.

I miss the long talks
that usually went on
for paragraphs and
multiple days.

I miss you telling me
stories I thought I
wouldn't want to hear
but ended up longing for.

I miss your voice and the
way you took my heart
and somehow made it melt.

I miss you in general and
that makes me feel scared.

I'm physically exhausted; tired
I want to take a bath and lean
back into it, avoid thinking about
you.. and forget everything that
makes me hate the world and me;
myself.

You don't understand, you say I'm
depressed but it's more than just
this.. I want to go home and smell
the air that surrounds me there
I want to step out into warm rain;
take in my fate and ignore my
designated place in the world..

My cold feet will slap against the
streets pavement and I wil stand;
awaiting my painful death
I've always believed that death
can never be painless anyways..

And honestly, I think I might just
crave this one thing because maybe
just maybe as they're crashing into
me... I'll awaken from a terrible
dream and realise I have a family
who cares and live a life where I'm
**h a p p y . . .

Today I saw an old man
who wore a golden chain
around his neck which
looks kind of red
I wonder if he's mad
I can't help but question
how he got the chain and
what makes him wear it
I wonder why people wear
things around their neck.
It usually irritates my skin
but sometimes I like it.
I wonder why that is..

Now that you can see I am trapped
inside of my room that contains no
way out and has basically no space
inside it only contains me, myself
and I along with some personal be-
long-ings.

As well as my bed which has nothing
underneath it.. my room has no door,
no windows and for sure, no couture.

But water is somehow seeping inside
I have no where to run, I have no where
to hide.. I'd go under my bed but water
is now causing it to float

I'm standing on top of it and avoiding
this ocean of words..

d e p r e s s e d; s p e a r s; p r e s s
anxiety; axe tiny; a net..
suicidal; a lucid is; sail...

Why can I only think of anagrams for
some of the words that I see, I'm about
to drown.. the water is smothering me.

I'm grasping my door by it's frame and
taking it off from the wall to reveal how
there's no way out of this room..
I'll shove it out the window soon.

I'm removing the window from my wall
picking it up and sliding underneath my
medium sized bed it'll never be seen again
and neither will the light that shined so
brightly through it's glass; only to light
up my main habitat.

*I don't want to see the light anymore..
Please don't make me endure it.

I'm going to clone myself like a Jellyfish
and stray far away from this hideous place
where the grass isn't green and trees are inexistent
I used to love it here but now I can't help but hate it
so I'll go deep into the ocean and see the only beings
that make my heart flutter as if I were really living..
I'll be with the Jellyfish forever, after all nerve nets
are better than brains, they cause too much stress for me.
I'd rather be heartless, boneless, maybe transparent too
I'm already invisible and if someone were to mess with
me all I'd do is give them a sting.. no more crying, denying
my depression or worrying about people that don't worry
about me. I'd be a part of the ocean, and the ocean would
contain me. I'd basically be a type of melon with tentacles
considering they're between 95% and 98% water anyways
I could be immortal or live up to a few hours..
so let me drown already.

My thoughts are scattered all over the place
Sad corn, bad dreams, no diploma, brown leaves..
I want to be  h a p p y  for you but I can't be today
there's just a kind of stuffiness inside of my brain
but don't cry for too long, please don't worry I'll
get back to normal, soon things won't be so blurry.

My nephew notices nearly everything around
he says saaad cooorn! because the corn outside
has now turned brown.

He knows a few colors that consist of yellow, red,
purple and green.. he likes to read and sometimes he'll sing.

My little nephew is getting too big..
He's at the age just before monsters
are under his bed,
I don't want him to experience that yet.

But someday he just might, and that's okay
we all grow up eventually.

I don't want to sleep without you anymore
too many times I've looked to my phone
in the middle of the night, longing for your
presence; I want to inhale your essence
let me hold you in my arms and explain
how often I picture us touching.
Lets close in the distance and
become one human; individual
no more waiting for us.
If you let me try again
I swear I won't mess up..
Just let me look over and
see the timer on my skype
slowly going up, telling me
that our call is still intact
I don't want to leave your
heart cracked..
Please tell me that you're
still there....

You say you pick me
but what do you mean?
Am I really the one who
makes your heart scream?
I sure as hell want to be
but I'm not sure if you
**u n d e r s t a n d .

Quit asking me what I want to do
if all you're going to do is shoot
the idea down.
I know to you I'm just a clown but
I have dreams and will take flight
with them once I figure out how to.
I know I'm in a pretty bad situation
one that was partially my fault but
not completely.
I just wish you'd let it go.

We're just people
it's the sad truth
we lose our minds
and don't know
what to do
where to go
what to say
to you?

You're hard for me
to expose myself to
because I don't want
you to see through me

Because honestly
underneath my boring
exterior, I'm really sad.
and it's like you don't know
but I am
and there's nothing that you
or anyone else could really do
that'd change that fact
The fact that I'm literally
going no where
I'm a walking piece of nothing.

I haven't touched the folder
that contains every picture
every long message and yes,
every video that you've
sent to me.

I want so badly to remove it
though; the painful little thing
that sits inside of many other
folders that are located on my
desktop.

*I just can't bring myself to do it..
why must I let you haunt me?