Every night nearly,
I've wished to hold you dearly.
And every morning at three,
Your memory creeps up on me.
But fear not, dear,
We weep long into the night when no one can hear.
****** hearts aren't beneath us,
In the absence of truth plus
The trust
And the lust
And consumed by fire
We are put on the pyre.

How can I admit that
I've been lonely all this time?
Trying to forget your face
When it's burned into my mind.
How could I have known
I'd be unable to let you go?
So tell me then, please,
Is your heart really made of stone?

I wish I had amnesia
Retrograde at least
I know it's strong,
But it won't be long
Till I'm falling to my knees.
The ghost of you surrounds me,
And in darkness I’m engulfed.
You mean so much more to me
Than the moon to a wolf.

I don't know how to say I'm sorry
So would you accept my beating heart instead?
I know it's not worth much right now,
But it soon will be in the end
If I could hold you one more time it's all I'd ever need
To get me through until my heart stops beating
Maybe tomorrow, maybe today,
I need to clear my agenda anyway.

Congratulations to the angel that broke my heart,
He knew what he was doing but regardless carried on.
Merciless, overrated,
Love is just a knife, serrated
Ripping and tearing until there's nothing left,
Flesh and bone and soul and heart,
We used to joke and laugh and even bet
About who loved who more
And now we're just friends.

Wander in this softest subject
Your curious mind and questioning words
Meander along until you find what you seek
And keep your goal in mind
Never forget that what you're looking for
Is not so far away;
And every word you speak is gallivanting
Through a thick brush of thought.
As you make your way forward
And get deeper and deeper,
Explore the inner thoughts
Of every empty moment before you.
Every inner mind,
Every winding road
Takes you to a new place,
A haven within every depth of your most encompassing memory.

Great satellite, up in the sky,
We see you watching over us.
Imploring our evil natures
And luring demons out of our empty souls.
Ask not for possessions and triumph soon follows.
Wonder only if this 'protection' is worth the oppression.
Rise against the satellite at will,
If you dare be seen by all who wander in the dark
But work 'under the sun.'
And when the sky burns red,
Product of flare and bomb,
Of homes against homes,
Remember that 'protection' was promised,
And oppression was not a price;
Never forget that your 'freedom' wasn't really free.
it came with a hidden fee:
Your life.

Persistent in consistency,
And while eventful, still regretful,
Forever remember that day in December,
That cold night and those street lights
That once held all the dreams we might weld
And countless days of sunset rays,
Never forget, I'll remember you yet.

Rugged thief run,
Tear my heart in two.
I've had no fun,
Being here with you.
Some days I'm beauty and some days I'm grace,
Others I'll punch you in your face.
And most of them, well-
They're a living hell.
Why do I feel so out of place?
There's nothing wrong with confidence,
If only I weren't so dense.
Because beauty and excuses
Have no good uses
As long as we're broken and bent.

The truth is,
I can act like I'm okay,
But I'm not.
Sometimes when I smile, I am dying.
Sometimes when I smile, I am actually happy,
Because sometimes I forget,
But then it comes back.
My smile fades.
You come flooding into my head,
And there's nothing I can do to get you out.
There's no alcohol strong enough to wash out your memory,
No drug cancerous enough to **** the thought of you.

You are always there.
Even when I think I'm okay,
Turns out I'm not.

I'm always thinking of you,
And I check less often these days,
But I still feel the urge to.

We never got that dance, you know.
It should have been as sweet as our first kiss,
But we both know
That no matter how hard we try,
We can only be as smooth as crunchy peanut butter.
It's a good thing, in our own way.

I might feel like we fit,
But you might think our pieces are a bit rugged,
That we may never meet and lock into place.

And your voice is still like music to me.
I might not hear it,
But I still remember it.
And every time I know someone else is hearing it,
My heart breaks a little more.

And I know I can never be that person you need,
I can never have that beautiful face that you deserve,
And I might never have that captivating character,
The one that keeps you glued to me.
But, despite all of that,
You are still perfect to me.
And yet you still thought you were never enough.

I still cry.
When you said you loved me,
You built me.
You broke my heart with every kiss,
Every syllable,
Every breath.

You are my amortentia and you don't even know it,

                                                                                                                     Do you?

And in times of great distress I find myself wondering
If you found true love in your mistress?

She came in and took your heart,
She walked by and her scent lured you, but she was unwelcome.

Like candy in a van,
Like candelabras to a modern home.

Acrylic to canvas,
Adding a color and vibrancy that was not there before.

And, like a thief with gold and no intention,
Another abyss she was, and she aimed to take you with no purpose.

Now you are hers alone but she won't have you,
And now you are chasing to keep something which was never meant to be yours.

Her lure is gone,
Her scent eradicated,

Don't come running back,
Don't even think about it.

You left,
You made the choice.

You chose Miss Trespasser.

There is nothing like the color green.
Creation, and everything about youth,
Captured in green.
Envy,
Tranquility,
And renewal.
Found everywhere in nature
Because it is natural.
There is nothing like the color green.

And I will soon forget your name and face,
Just as you forgot I even existed.

Dear Teacher,
What have I learned from you?

The world is not really as it seems
And now I know what '*******' really means.

I know that the world won't stop for me,
Not matter how bad I wish it to.

That no matter what,
Trying won't get you anywhere, but doing will.

That no matter where,
What I learned is really useful.

That no matter when,
There is always time to read, think, and analyse.

Thank you for teaching me this year.

Save me from your false enlightenment.
Spare me your condescension.

I don't want your 'salvation,'
I don't need your 'forgiveness.'

I am getting what I deserve,
And nothing can save me.

There's no point in trying to delay
My inevitable fate.

Take me to a place where I can be with you.
A place where the ocean meets the sky
And the sunset on the horizon is painted by God's best artisans.

Take me to a place where you'd hold my hand
In a deep evergreen forest,
Lush with thick foliage and dewy from rain.

Take me to a place where I can taste the sweetest fruits on your lips,
Where my senses are overjoyed by a multitude of flavours,
Each one reminding me of you.

Take me to a place,
A field,
The moon and stars shining
And a night as clear as mountain waters.
Take me to that field,
Where the grass grew tall
And hay bales were laid alongside us.
Where the ground was mostly dry
But still damp,
Where regardless, we laid down among the carrot lace
And you were beneath me,
My very definition of beauty.
The moon in your stormy-blue eyes
And a smile playing at your lips
When suddenly,
Your smile disappeared and you looked right at me,
Lips parted.
Instinct took me,
And although inexperienced,
We worked together like oiled machines
With all our gears functioning.
It was the first and the last time,
Coldest and hottest.
It was a raging inferno
And an arctic storm.
I felt like I was stolen of breath
But given new air.
You filled my lungs and intoxicated me,
But I could have never been more sober.

Take me to that place again.

Only seven years old
And I was no longer a beautiful rose.

Wilted, dying, deflowered.

But like a tree falling in the woods,
Do I even make a sound at all?

Too young to understand,
I never said anything.

But as I grew,
I felt... bad.
*****,
Unworthy,
Unlovable.

I felt that there must not be a single person on earth
Who could ever take me as I am,
Broken.

When I began to understand, I still said nothing.
And when it happened again,
This time by someone closer,
I knew what it was.

I felt betrayed.
I felt sick.
Like I had just done the worst thing any human being could have possibly done.
Like I was a failure,
I felt terrible.

Months passed, and eventually I got better, but not without my family
Taking note of that short period when I wasn't okay.
They never knew.
They still don't know.

That when I was seven,
I was ruined.
That, as I turn sixteen,
I fear the life ahead of me because of what they did.
That, when I see him, one of them,
And I hear him coughing and out of breath,
Alzheimer's taking him, slowly, not fast enough,
I wish for him to die.

That I fear every male I come into contact with.

That I lived with my tormentor.

That they took my innocence,

That it wasn't just one,
It was two,
And I remember every detail even though I may lie about it.

I might say "I don't know."
"I don't remember."
But every last second, colour, texture, feeling, breath, detail,
Is forever etched into my mind.

Father please,
Stop yelling,
My ears begin to bleed.

Mother please,
Stop slamming things,
I tremble in my chair.

Sister please,
Stop pacing the house,
I become so unsettled.

Amidst the noises,
Of the television on,

The yelling

And the slamming,

And the pacing,

There is no quiet.

My mind is jumbled
And I cannot focus on anything.
My hands shake as
I want to throw and hit things.
There is so much noise,
So much loudness,
I am losing myself and I want to rip myself apart and I want to cry and
I want to scream
STOP!


But I can only sit.

I can only cover my ears,

I can only look away,

I can only retreat inside once again.

I can only try to remember when this wan't happening.

I can only hold tightly onto my own hands and hope this ends soon.


And yet,
I may wish,
And I may wish again.

If they cannot see
The beauty that I see,
The strength,
The resiliency,
The loveliness,
And how amazing you are,
Then they are blind.

You can be alone,  
But not lonely,
The same way you can be lonely,  
But not alone.

Science cannot tell me how I feel,
Only I can.

English cannot speak my words for me,
Only I can.

History cannot tell me what happened to make me the way I am,
Only I can.

Math cannot help me add my life up,
Only I can.

PE cannot keep me in good shape,
Only I can.

School cannot dictate how well my life goes,
Only I can.

I want to be profound,
But I fear I won't be around
Long enough.

Let me go,
I want to wander away from my home,
From all I've ever known,
But I am scared,
And I am scarred,
And the cold, harsh wind of reality
Burns my flesh
As it rips my wounds open again.
As I grow, I am stretched,
And I am afraid of getting tall.

Growing taller means you will hurt more when you fall.

Growing taller means you must be above what you once were,
Means seeing all that others below you cannot.

Getting taller means growing up.

I was

Keeled over
Screaming
In the garage.

I laid in there

I wished that
There was some way
You could feel
My pain,
My sorrow.

I remember thinking that

Every second
That goes by
Is another reminder
Of what I lost.

I had to

Be quiet
Because they were
Sleeping
In the other room.

I could feel my

Heart breaking
As I studied
Your face
Like I would never
See it again.

Because I knew,

Yes I knew,

That I wouldn't.

You think you can't be saved
And that no one would adore you,
That if you are wretched, you cannot be divine.

But divinity is for the gods,
Oracles could not have forseen
What you would do to me.

That every word you speak
Would be a brazen network of fire in my ears,
And every breath of yours would be an arctic storm on my skin.

I want to hold you
And trap you in the sap of these pines
Because I know you would not run,
You find beauty in the ugliest of places.

I want to lock you in a cedar box
And leave you be until you beg my name
Because I know you like the smell,
You always were more with nature than I.

I want to hang you up in a great oak
For the whole world to see
Because I know you think you're wretched,
But you're beautiful to me.

I am not a poet,
To write it I'd have to know it
I understand
That blasphemy calls
From turquoise beaches of golden sand
And canopies of mid-state oaks.
Rustling branches amidst a folly
Only I know.
And beyond there are a few roads,
Each to a different cardinal from where I stand,
A crossroads.
Could I? Should I?
Perhaps not, but why so?
Imagine my life, or what may be left of it -
with a golden love only my own,
And every star in her eyes -
Ten years, perhaps, or maybe less to spend,
It does not matter.
Oh, I can see it now.
Ocean storms in her irises
And images of the sun over a calm blue horizon.
Golden strands in her brunette hair,
Even Aphrodite would wish for.
Sweetest bells in her laugh
That every siren would **** for,
But of course she would be sweet and strong,
Kind with a lion's heart.
As I cover what's left of the small tin box,
A rustling I hear behind me.
Branches crunching and shaking, now I see it is dusk,
I look to the water below and see a fine mist above the water,
This is almost like the night she left me.
A large gust of wind blows through my hair and
Her laugh is all I hear next.
I fall, quivering, sobs shaking me as I go,
Looking up once more.
She stands, watching me from a thick brush along the shoreline,
And blows me a last kiss before my eyes close.
*Adrienne

It's been months.
I've not seen or heard from you,
And I still miss you.

Regardless of your current whereabouts,
I would still give anything.
I would drive all night just to see you for an hour.

I want to write you a love song,
But I fear I could not find the beat,
nor the melody,
or the rhythm,
or even the rhyme.

I have the words,
Or words intended,
If I knew what to say,
That would be splendid.

But here I sit,
Lonesome and gray.
I've run out of wit,
Gone by another day.

And I'll try to piece this song together,
But I know I will fail.
Because there is no proper way to write love,
And if I could not say the words out loud,
Then should I look for them above?

When the truth is,
Words cannot describe
How perfect you are,
How you saved my life.

I know I can try,
And try I might,
But this song isn't coming,
At least not tonight.

A heart of Fire;
But soul of Ice,
And she loves with passion
He longs to entice.

Listen once more
To a heartbeat that roars;
The flames of her love
Only burns behind doors.

His eyes see only her own,
And his cold on her has grown.

The embrace of him frozen,
And her body he has chosen.
He wants it willfully,
Plans to take it skillfully,
But this she will not have.

A guarded phoenix flying,
His shards of ice are prying
And to take her, he must maintain vanity,
But she, smarter and with sanity,
Rejects.

War at oneself.
Two sides,
And forever fighting,
Two sides,
Quick as lightning.

Fire and ice,
The naughty and the nice,
**** one side,
The other begins to die.

I have tried to show her
That love is not a waste.
She lays upon my chest at night,
My arms around her waist

She will cry in her sleep,
There's nothing I can do
Every time I open my eyes,
She's a new shade of blue.

I hate seeing her sad.
It tears my heart apart.
I just want to make her happy
She's my own form of art.

I am a decade of broken.
Words laying on the cold ground,
Only to be frozen and forgotten.
Thinking that spring would soon come
And melt them away,
Bring them to light,
But they become buried.
The sunlight can't reach these words,
These painful words.
I can't throw these words to the wind,
They might come back at me.
And although I am silent,
My silence speaks for me.
Yet still,
Those around me are unable to hear what I say.
I am screaming these words,
But they fall like feathers on the ears of my peers asleep.
One day, had I opened my mouth,
Sound might have come.
But here I sit,
And there is no sound.
Not anymore...

There is no sound,
To describe the pain.
When you are betrayed by someone you trusted with your life.
When they held you in your hands as you were young,
And in a moment they took that innocence away.
Wilted, withered, and wrought with fear,
Never could you see anything the same.
Young, but now not as young as you should be.
Tainted innocence becomes you
In a swarm of emotions.
Hatred, anger, fear, denial.
Wishing you could forget,
If only you could forget everything.
A rose, drooping beyond it's vase,
Falling petals,
Lifeless.

And in that moment,
It is set on fire.
Burning a great flame until it is only ash,
And burning still,
Until there is nothing more.
The fire is gone, and so is all fear,
So is all worry,
So is all happiness that once was,
That once existed.
Emptiness and blackness fill the shell of what you once were,
But now there is nothing.
Void is imminent.
Decay is predicted.
Death and salvation are implorable.

Am I wasting my time waiting on you?
You're so valuable to me and yet,
You choose to damage yourself as much as possible.

I am unsure of you, more now than I have ever been before.
You're foreign to me for once.
There's nothing I can do but sit back and hope for the worst.

We've never been this far from each other.
Please, I don't ever want to be this way again.
I don't ever want to feel this far from you again for the rest of my life.

Even if we hate each other,
Even if there are no words to be said between us,
Please, I beg of you, don't give me silence. At least let me know how you are.

No matter what, I will care.
You have been my top priority always,
And nothing can ever change that.

You mean so much to me...
And it makes me sad to see you so upset....

I'm sorry for everything I did.

I am sorry.  
I will not rest until you know that I am
My eyes will not be dry,
Until you understand how bad I feel.

I am tired.
I haven't slept.
I won't sleep until you pick up the phone
So I can cry and apologize profusely.

I love you so.
I'd do anything for you,  
And I'd never intentionally hurt you.
I'm sorry I brought him up.
I know how protective you are.

I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry

I feel like I must say it,
Over and over again,
Even when you accept my apology,
Because I will still feel bad.

I will still be sad,
Even though I am glad
I may even be mad
Because I knew better.

I knew what to do,
I knew what to say
And yet I failed you anyway.

Milestones
A thousand of them
And all around me
I know
The way they infect everyone with happiness.

Oh,
But not me
My eyes are closed and I only hear them
One thousand sounds
Each one louder than the last.

And I wish
That one day I could see them
My own milestone
One I can never reach
But I can only hope for.

A lonely world
Cold and dark

Cryptic answers
Never revealed

Hide all light,
Save for a spark

In time,
All wounds are healed.

The pain I feel when I see your name show up in my contacts.

I become expressionless like stone, then I shatter.

I was up until 4 a.m. last night,

You guessed it, crying.

From 11 to 4,

I cried.

Six hours I cried,

And hours before, I died.

But getting the news in public,

The news that you were leaving me

You were leaving me again, another time,

It was too much for me to handle and I broke.

My eyes teared up, and I ran off into my head again.

I will never say to your face how much I cried over you.

And trust me if you come around again I'll likely take you back.

Because I'm stupid, and I don't learn my lesson when it's taught to me.

I'd take you back despite the pain and I'd take you back through everything.

I suppose I'm just as weak when it comes to you as you are when it comes to lying.

I love the way you hold me,
I love the way you smile.

I love the way you say my name,
I love the way it rolls of your tongue.

I love your touch,
I love your humor.
I love your laugh,
I love your hands.

I love the way you look,
I love who you are.

But I don't love how sad I feel
When I open my eyes
And know that I was only
Dreaming of you,
And not really holding you like
I used to do,

Just

Like

Every

Other

Night.

Roses and sunshine and trees and light.
Who could I be?
Why, I'm Life.

Normalcy and happiness, and hardships and strife.
Look, it's me.
I'm still Life.

Anxiety and fear, going under the knife.
I'm still here.
It's just me, Life...

Alcohol and drugs, addiction gone rife.
I'm so tired of this job...
I don't want to be Life.

Then let me take over,
It'll be alright.
Settle down there,
Find yourself a wife.
You're so overworked,
Aren't you, Life?

Yes, I am,
And who might you be?
Why do you bear me such empathy?

My name is Death,
And I've been watching you.
Since day one,
I've seen all that you've been through.
So here I am to say,
It's my turn.
I hope that's okay.

Let me think it through, first.
Let me think of what to do, first.
Should I take a day,
Or continue my work and stay?
Hmmm...

I must say,
A break's long overdue.
Tell you what, Death,
I'll give this one to you.
Do a good job, now,
And don't play the fife.
Sound it once,
You'll end all life.

*Good, then, Life.
Saunter off now,
Waste not a day.
Want not a week?
Then have it your way.
I will not play the fife,
But I won't spare my scythe,
Good day, then friend.
Take your leave, then, Life

Knotted fingers,
Lacing through my hair.

Rough hands,
Touching me gently.

Broad shoulders,
With arms that hold me.

Strong back,
That lifts me up.

Scarred body,
That has many stories to tell,

And a mean face,
From years of torment,

The body I love,
The body I know,
The body of the person who has my heart.

The boy who owned it still owns me.
The man who carries it is still the boy I'm in love with.

His body, along with his scars, are all that make him perfect.

Words say nothing,
If there is no emotion behind them.
Poets cannot speak,
If they don’t have a paper or a pen.

Words help escape,
The great escape of me,
The only way to get out
Is to use poetry

Every word a world,  
Every line a century.
A story told in each stanza,
A new era unfurled.

I'd give anything
If I could have her.
I'd give anything,
If she could be my world.
I'd give anything to be her man,
I'd give everything.

But she will never see me as more than I am,
A friend,
A brother,
A protector.

I will always try running from my feelings,
Taking girl after girl,
Always trying to make her jealous.

But it never works, and I end up with a broken heart.
And she has guy after guy, making me jealous every time.

I can't have her because we're too much like family,
Always close, but never close enough.
How cursed did I have to be to almost be her cousin?
If it were not for a summer love so long ago,
She would not even know me.

I wish I would never have even known her.
Like a whirlwind she came and did a number on my head,
Like a siren she calls but I can never run to her,
I can never indulge myself in her touch.
She teases without even knowing she's doing it.

I'd give anything to have never known her,
Because love never had is preferable over love always chased after.
I can never have her but she has me.

How depressing it is that I must tell you this,
If not you, then not anyone.
Besides, I would much rather profess my love to strangers than to the girl who unknowingly has my heart.
Even if she does know,
She must not think anything of it.

Because I am only her friend,
Her brother,
Her protector.
She will never see me as more than I am.

I am young,
And I am fearless.
Nothing can hurt me,
And I will not fall in love.

I am dumb,
And I am learning.
I don't know everything,
But I will never fall in love.

I am older,
And I am wiser.
I have her to teach me now,
But I am still not falling in love.

She is peace,
And I am war.
I know I said so before,
But I will never fall in love.

I am hers,
And she is mine.
I've been lying all these years,
Because now I am finally in love.

She is old,
And so am I.
The book we wrote needs a close.

So we are in love,
And you will be too.
Maybe today, tomorrow,
But hopefully very soon.

When you find it -
This I promise you,
Don't say you're not in love,
Because you'll be lying too.

I want his hair
I want his eyes
I want his features to be mine.

I want his friends
I want his girl
I want to live his life.

I want to be him,
Because he has her
She makes the world go round
But he doesn't even notice her.

He ignores her.
I adore her,
Does she know I exist?

I would treat her better,
I would make her my world,
If she would only know I exist.

I see the way she looks hopelessly at him,
Eyes full of love.

How I wish I had her love like that
Even her attention would be a marvel to me.

But oh, I cannot have her.
I cannot have her
Nor her words,
Nor her touch or her gaze.

I cannot have her eyes look upon me with that love which she so willingly gives to someone else.

I could never be the apple of her eye,
But here I remain.
I will sit and wait, a lowly apple in the orchard,
Longing for the day when she finally picks me.

I arrive at your doorstep, flowers in hand,
To surprise you on this beautiful day in June.
Your birthday, and the perfect day to take you out,
Could there be nothing more excellent than this?

I ring your doorbell and stand there for a minute,
And then you open the door,
Swollen eyes and a tearstained face.
Darling what's the matter?

I try to console you,
But you only push me away.
Saying that you are sorry.
Whatever you've done, why should I be mad at you?

I attempt to hold you ,
And then you begin to scream
At the top of your lungs.
How long did you say it was since?

I am confused now,
If you say that you eat double now,
And that you and I brought life here,
Then why should you be sad?

I do not understand,
And you begin crying again.
'It is the product of another man!'
And now I wonder why?

I understand now,
And I am frozen dead in my tracks,
I drop the flowers and walk out the door
Do I dare look back?

I can hear you crying behind me and I drop to my knees in your front yard.
For hours I sit as your wails die down,
You bring out a beer for me and a soda for yourself.
And I ask you 'how long?'

You reply with 'only a few weeks'
And to follow I ask who.
Somber, you cannot remember,
Only that you were not willing and could not recall much.

We gaze unto the stars and what a whirlwind these hours have been,
Conversing until dawn.
And everything remains calm as I carry you back inside,
Sleeping in my arms.

On your bed I lay you,
And beside you I stay until you are deep in slumber,
Peaceful and the flowers now in a vase.

I touch your stomach and I can nearly feel the life within.
Life jumps beneath your closed eyelids.

Considering the circumstance, I cannot think of a better way to spend this June day.

I am a girl
I am a boy
I am who I wish to be
Only this,
And everything more.

I am smart
I am dumb
I am what I aim to be
Not limited to this,
And reaching outward.

I am strong
I am weak
I am made of these things
They are a part of myself
And they make me, me.

And I am loved,
I am hated
I am someone's sun and another's mortal enemy
I am who I will be
And I will be who I am.

Forget my face
Forget my name
But never forget the fun we had

Forget who I was to you
Forget about every minute we spent
But never forget what I made you feel

Forget the color of my eyes
Forget the feeling of my hand in yours
But never forget I loved you with all my heart.

Envy
When you see me with him
And you wish
I was yours.

Lust
In your eyes as you take my head
In your hands
And kiss me like you've wanted to

Greed
I am in your hands,
And only yours.
But you want more

Gluttony
You take what is yours
And I give willingly
I keep on giving, and you keep taking

Sloth
As we lay,
Tired
Exhausted from the work we've done

Pride
When you show me off to your friends at the bar
And you have a few drinks,
Leaving sloppy kisses on my cheeks while they laugh

Wrath
When we are home, and I am too tired to give
Your hands gripping my hair as you yell,
And you finally set free the demon within

The road beyond is
Long, and untraveled.
Empty, barren,
And I step forward.

Cold and damp at my bare feet
But determined to find my way,
I continue.

Every step,
Painstaking.
Every time I stumble,
Heartbreaking.

I keep going.
Rocks and rough ground
My feet begin to bleed.
But I must walk this road.

I reach the end and look back.
Avast mountains and lakes,
There lies the beginning of the road at the horizon.

Miles I've come,
And all too soon I could fall,
But I grasp your hand as you pull me
Over this railing,
And save me from falling again.