⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
everything is living
everything is fluid
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ we can turn nickel
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀into iron
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ a sunday
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀into a monday
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀a kiss into a lie
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀   listen,
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
back behind the shot office
⠀⠀⠀⠀ where we waited
⠀⠀⠀⠀ in line for serum⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀dresses
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ flowed
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ across
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀                    the hills
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ and
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ unyielding nights
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ took in youth
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ and returned lovers
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀ ([angel.s] repented
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  for the sin of
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  purity AND [i] really do think it was understoo
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀d
⠀⠀⠀⠀),⠀⠀⠀bu/t now we contend•
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀to
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀muddy footprints on courtroom floors
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀an old man getting older pleading his
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀case
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
to the laws
of unyielding certainty
that rivet the universe
together
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

thank you for your love.
Thank you for your guiding light.
Thank you for being someone
I could talk to when I couldn't sleep
At night.
Thank you for making me smile.
Thank you for letting me cry
On your shoulder.
And know I'll do the same for you
When I get older.

in ninth grade i came to school
everyday
with cigarette smoke
embedded in my clothes
i wanted so badly for
someone, anyone
to ask why i smelled like
a cancer ward.

i would write poetry
about how much i hated myself
thinking it would mean
anything to anybody
all the sharp parts of
my body condensed
into shot glasses
overflowing and draining at the same time
the chipped parts leaking *****
onto my bedroom floor
that i'm afraid
my mom will smell

when i was a preteen
i promised myself,
a pact only i can legitimize,
that if i wasn't happy by 18
i would **** myself.
i am a breath away from that
moment
within arm's reach of the
edge of something--
whether it's a
swimming pool's side
or a cliff's face
is up to me i guess.

here's the thing no one
told me about life:
nobody notices your pain
no matter how much you want
them to,
and if they do
they do it wrong.
you won't be able to find
the words in the
moment they ask.
you'll freeze up
and your only language will be
cigarettes
blood stains
and a faint smell of *****.
it will seem romantic at the time
but it is really, really not.

all it does is hurt and hurt
and hurt and hurt.
you will be scared when
she notices the blood
on your thighs/hands/heart
and the black in your
lungs/soul
and you will cry. it will hurt.

but hey,
so does everything else.

and if there's
anything i've learned
by now, at the
precipice of 18,
it's that
cigarette smoke,
the blood and *****,
the black;
it all comes out in the wash.

When I was younger
I didn't understand the phrase
"I wish I'd never been born."
I thought it synonymous with
"I want to die."
In many ways it is.
Yet the phrase is less saying
"I want to die," and more saying
"I wish my lack of existence
wouldn't cause you any pain."
It's saying,
"only a few I love keep me here."
It's saying,
"I'd give up all I've lived to not have to go on any longer.
But if not for you,
I would choose an early out."
It's as near sighted
as any suicidal logic.
But the depth is something,
I've identified with in these
later days.

We spend a lifetime
Recovering from the childhoods
Ingrained into the mazes of our consciousness
Maybe we should think less

Covering craters in the corners of our memories
Targeting all the wrong enemies
Pause, Take a moment
To fall into the holes you tip-toed around
Fall with purpose, fall with sound

Confront the things that chase you
That you don't understand but lace you
Search it all and then some
Understand where each thought derives from

And need what you keep
Or keep what you need
Because in the end
It's your own soul that you feed

The flock exploded over my head
Diving down to the water below
What was once an empty gaze
Suddenly became sixty years gone

The candle burns quickly now
So I try to slow my breathe
I do not want flickering shadows
The erosion of light makes me sad

I want to walk in a cemetery
It’s the only way to really see
They have become who they are
They cannot defend themselves

I want decisions without influence
Too much is reserved for youth
What is left in the time I have left
I must make it mean something

I had something I wanted to say
But it just wouldn’t write itself
To see birds flying so easily
It’s only silence that knows humility

I wonder if someone would listen in
If only there was another line
They could hear the sound of my voice
And tell me why I cry when I pray

his eyes held tales i never had known
of worlds and ideas, creatures and such
i hadn’t pondered since i had grown
why did getting older come in that rush?

after looking in his storied eye
i’ll never regret saying hi

the first time we talked
it felt so perfect, so easy, so simple
the road of friendship we together walked
there was i greeted with his happy dimple

after looking in his storied eye
i’ll never regret saying hi

with trust and trust we soon grew
his wise young mind greeted mine
he trusted me with what was hard to construe
a world filled with all that would common shine

after looking in his storied eye
i’ll never regret saying hi

fairies, giants, ogres, even glowing bright flowers
all found in his world awaited me
smiles greeted me in droves and showers
their excitement and mine gave the boy great glee

after looking in his storied eye
i'll never regret saying hi

he brought me there whenever i’d wish
and guided me towards his favorite things
during which conversations would to me switch
for he said my voice gave him wings

after looking in his storied eye
i’ll never regret saying hi

there i was, his only hope
and in a way he was mine
our tie was tough like rope
and our conversations aged like wine

after looking in his storied eye
i’ll never regret saying hi

it was my fault that darkened day
i let myself forget his worrying head
i let him away from me stray
now due to me, a friend is dead

i’m sure after looking in my boring eye
the dead magic man wished i’d never said hi

My face is changing, I know it
Like sand dunes after high tide
Spread about, white with no end
Seaweed hair, tossed, unable to hide

People leave footprints, looking
The shells left behind don’t last long
Sand dollar smiles, conch wisdom
So much to say, I hope it’s not wrong

I’m glad someone thinks I’m worth it
Though the ocean beckons, I’m close by
Lay your towel down, I will warm your soul
Shifting time sands, either a laugh or cry

You burned your feet, I’m so sorry
Shadows became night, they felt a chill
I can’t get it right, the sun or the moon
My life can only bend to the wind’s will

I can’t spend all my time
figuring out what you want
when you don’t know it yourself
I can only be gentle and kind
the only way a regret won’t haunt
is to just always be myself

I want to have a private moment
A place rocks and arrows can’t find
I wear no armor, only separation
I’m not broken, I'm not chosen
I need a soft voice but I’m not blind
I have to change my expectation

I was thinking about you
the whole way through
I knew where I was going
but I needed to know it’s true
I changed my point of view
not where my heart is pointing

It’s hard to grow old and follow
I woke up a long way from here
There was nothing but a reflection
I looked hard but could only swallow
I prayed hoping you would be there
but you didn't understand my direction

Let me go,
I want to wander away from my home,
From all I've ever known,
But I am scared,
And I am scarred,
And the cold, harsh wind of reality
Burns my flesh
As it rips my wounds open again.
As I grow, I am stretched,
And I am afraid of getting tall.

Growing taller means you will hurt more when you fall.

Growing taller means you must be above what you once were,
Means seeing all that others below you cannot.

Getting taller means growing up.