"But you need a prescription to get Xanax."
The internet told me
Maybe ibuprofen,
Lying in the cabinets?
I don't need more drugs to get me high
Medicines are legal, right?
So I'm sitting here again
Looking for Legal drugs
Teens get high on
Because I regret
Throwing my drugs away

I could sit there forever, Only us two.
Just listening to you playing Bohemian Rhapsody on the piano and you shouting '****!' when you hit the wrong note.

The most important rule is
Don't ever cry, no matter what.
You're vunerable.
And you can't be vunerable in front of someone,
Not even yourself
You'll lose yourself.
Because as soon they see that they can break you
It'll drag you down so far you'll never get up
And if you don't show
You're balancing on the edge of the well
And the people who ask why you always look so sad
Are the ones that push you.

I find comfort in my poems
Always carrying them around
I find shelter in your smile
The rest of the day untouchable
I find love in these words
Even the ones you tell me everyday
I find sadness in your eyes
Hidden by beautiful laughter,
So vunerable and pretty
But why don't you tell me
What is going on behind it
Because we never tell anyone
Simple as that

And here we are again
You're the one that I want
But stil you can't
We can't
I hate you
I love you
I disgust you
And I want you
People say
It's called love
I doubt it

Thinking about you
OwO

As I lie down
On the bed of grass
The flowers around me
Turned red from the swirling blood
Inside my veins that finally poured out
The pain is gone
It doesn't hurt
It's even worse
And I love it
I stare at the tree branches
Wondering what I could have been
And as I swallow my last bit of air
The blood pouring out
I'm thinking what Hell will be like
Breathe my last breath
Now it's dark
So I'll never open my eyes again

I heard you laugh
And I wish I was a part of it

Did you ever felt like jumping off a cliff,
Not because you wanted to die,
But because you can?
Because no one is going to stop you?
Because you want to see the aftermath?
Did you?

For the past eternity
My mind exists out of two things
I disgust you
And I want you really bad
Maybe it's the difference between
Mental and Physical
I hate your personality
I want your body
Sounds logical
But for the past eternity
I'm craving both

But I meant no

I know I want her

I am internally screaming.
But I keep my mouth shut,
And my scars hidden.

Don't turn your back to the darkness.
What you'll see in the light is far worse.

My poems are not me
My poems are not how I feel
My poems are just a simple constellation of words that my brain created, and my fingers wrote down for the reading pleasure of others
I'm fine

Is this a celebration,
Or eternal death?
Is this a good thing,
Or an internal war?
Writing so much more,
The best filtered out.
But the poems never shown,
Maybe the best of all.
If poems are sometimes,
Actually true feelings
They will not be seen,
Because we cannot be honest

Blank yellow pages
Empty writing lines
Yet filled with thoughts
A poet at it's finest
A flower, Harnessed by the wind
Inspirational nothing
Words don't rhyme
Everything goes on, except time
My feelings, never fully good
And you'll never see through the eye of a true poet

If all the good girls go to hell,
...
I'm the sweetest of them all.
...
Because I'm already there

You've already been in there for way too long.

Hello there.
Same sentence,
Different voice.
But I want to hear yours.
I dreamed about you last night.
Not really a surprise.
Just desire.
What?

But I just wanted to say I love you

Fingertips frozen,
Arms up my sleeve.
But I have to write this idea down.
My hands are already filled with ink.
Everything has to be gold these days.
Golden chain, Golden eyes, Golden soul, Golden ring.
Still want to be the one to speak her name as mine though.
It's cold outside,
But I'm colder.
You poor thing.

Ghosts are real,
Monsters are too.
They live inside us.
And sometimes they win.

Baby, I've always been writing.
But you made me a poet.

Hide everything.
Words, Thoughts.
Feelings, Cuts.
Good thoughts are spoken.
Bad thoughts are thought.
Letters written,
Emotions bestowed.
Never show,
Never tell.
Hide my poetry,
No one needs to know how I feel.

Maybe I should start doing homework,
I just wrote eight finished drafts.
I have an arm full of words and ink,
That I just made in class.
What else should I be doing?
Is the question mostly asked.
But I'll just copy her history notes,
I really need to get some sleep.

=</>~&#$!(^)%-'@+

Think                                             ­  h
                    Th   ink                        e
   Ov ert  hink                                  l
                    ­                                      p
   . . ...                                                

Psygopath m i  n    d                      m
                                ­                          e
   . ... .
                                                           i
You Didn't Just                                '
Let Me                                              m

be            ­                                          d
                     ­                                     y
Torn Like                                         i
                                                          n
   T                                                     g
h
                a
          t
...

I'm S low ly
  S
     u
f
f
   o
c
  a
t
  i
n
   g

=</>~*&#$!(^*)%-'@+

A tap on my shoulder,
And a wink,
From you,
When you saw me walking.
All I needed,
To make sure.
Now I know.
This isn't normal.
And even though I know.
I really know you're never there.
I still spend the breaks,
On the same place
Every day.
Still hoping,
You will pass me in the hallway

...

Because my poems are always depressed,
I tried to write something happy for you.
~
Depression returns.
~
Half of our converstations
Is laughter.
~
And I was figuring out,
If your laughter was a mask too sometimes.
~
And I broke through,
But it wasn't
~
Hapiness stayed.
~
I helped you write your first poem,
The motto:
~
Never give up,
Don't be sad.
~
And I wonder
If you'll ever
~
See trough the eye,
of a true poet.
~
And if you'll never,
Stay sad.
~
And if you'll ever,
Keep going

...

As I stare into the void,
Of a world I cannot hold.
I Escape now from that world,
From the world of feeling.
There is nowhere I can turn,
There is nowhere to go on.
Want to be the one,
To speak her name as mine.
Stars in the daylight.
Sun in the moonlight.
If Only.

It's scaring me,
What humans can do.
To others, but mostly ourselves.
Cut,
Drink,
Take some pills.
Talk yourself into depression,
And out.
Humans scare me,
Am I one?
Or am I the monster on the opposite side of the mirror?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 13, the only true sentence i ever wrote.
I don't think you're the reason.
These lies made me feel just as bad as I said.
No, I don't do drugs,
No, I don't love you.
Yes, I need help.
No, I don't want help.
Yes, I want to be the one to speak her name as mine.
Yes, I know that that will never happen.
No, I don't know what is happening to me,
Neither do I know If I want to continue my life,

This is the end,

...

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 12, You.
I'm looking for ideas, can't be inspired by the world around me. My head is full of unwritten, unspeakable poetry only when I see you. My muse, almost. And I try to feel- and feel- and feel. But the scenery changes. You left. Take the blame for other's actions, and your own. And every time you leave my mind, somehow always inspire me. Wether it's your tears from reading my suicide note, or your laugh from, well, anything. And the "you" is so many people, so many ideas. Past, Present, Future. "You" is a broad understanding. It's 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or even more people. All the same, Yet so different. After such a short time, everyone leaves, and returns to my mind again. In so many different ways. The slightest is necessary. A tap on the back, and a wink. A smile, or a few tears. A hug, or guilt. My own depression. It's true what you said a few minutes ago. All my poems are tagged with depression. I'm just too sad for you, I thought. But i said; because uhh well I wrote those things a long time ago. I hear a lot; "I'm worried about you" aswell. I asked if it was a good or a bad sign that i did, and you said: A BAD SIGN OF COURSE! I laughed. Because maybe this isn't understandable, but enjoyable. Maybe the feeling, and the realisation people cared was the reason. Because it almost makes me feel happy seeing people cry. I'm a psychopath. And sometimes I see myself. And I Can't explain in words how much I hate myself for doing this to you, but mostly, for not being sorry. Don't be like me.

Today I looked in the mirror,
After writing a few poems.
And I wondered how long I could sit there,
Without starting to hate myself.
But I didn't see myself in the mirror.
I saw a monster.
Hidden in a box.
And if the safe opens,
And the secrets are spilled.
All that's left to see,
Is the self portrait of a monster.

Six feet under,
Down the drain.
Lie my feelings,
Is my luck.
Six feet under,
Under this dirt.
Is my hapiness,
Is my love.
Six feet under,
Or hidden anywhere.
Depression is here,
Right inside me.
Six feet under,
Where we live.
I try to
Cover this sadness.
Six feet under.
I try to hide,
Alcohol, Drugs, Cigarettes.
I'm slowly suffocating.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 11, Hostage.
Surprisingly.
It's really not like me to be so mean,
You're all I wanted.
Nature changes,
You left my mind.
And someone else entered it.
I don't know what feels true.
But this feels right,
So stay a sec.
Yea you feel right,
So stay a sec.
And let me crawl inside your veins.
I'll build a wall, give you a ball and chain.
Hold and hidden,
By my own hostage.
Kiss me until I can't speak.
Let me listen to your voice.
And let me drown in your words.
Want to be the one,
To speak her name as mine.
Changing sentences into the same.
Hold and hidden,
By my own hostage.

Everything I see,
Turns into ideas.
Poems, paintings,
Music, art.
My life is full,
Unfinished.
Drafts everywhere.
Surrounded by
Undone paintings.
I Sometimes
Have to,
Clean it all up.
Delete, Erase,
Rip apart.
So you can go now.
I don't need you,
You're a
Worthless idea.
It's all
Worthless
Anyway

< >

Poetry tells a story.
But what if the poem,
Turns into the story?

< >

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 10, The faded memories of a long remembered time.
These things are getting darker every time. So do I. Wishing This wouldn't be just the past, faded memories of times we want to remember. But I can't. These moments may have destroyed me, I still want to remember. Who I was, what drove me into this, and who I never want to become again. These memories are fading, my life is turning into a perfect one. I'm slowly suffocating. Why won't you let me be imperfect, And accept my past. We were young, And all we had was a city. But I don't mind. Will you please let me go back to the times love still existed here, The thoughts of getting out. You can let me go for once, And we'll still be okay.

Finally, at last.
I thought you'd never leave my mind.
But today, for the first time in 142 days.
I didn't woke up,
Thinking about you.
Surprisingly, I never thought this was love.
Just a stupid remedy,
For a self broken heart.
But dispite the fact I'm not thinking about you.
You still left your fingerprints on my skin.
And your voice in my ears.

< >

A lot of photo's
Are taken every day.
But a few are really special.
So many memories,
Shared with my friends.
The world tears us apart.
But we stick.
The problem is,
Will you still remember me,
If these pictures are lost and gone?

< >

I never knew such things existed.
"Love at first sight."
And I'm still not completely convinced.
You're all I've been thinking about the last few days though.
I'm so ******* confused.
Don't even know what I'm feeling.
People would call it 'Love at first sight'
It has all the symptoms though.
Or whatever you want to call it.
But again, I'm still not entirely sure.
I don't feel anything at the moment itself.
But when we both turn around,
And walk in the opposite direction.
I can scream from hapiness.
Because it's not love.
But what is it?

Somehow,
After all these days,
I still don't remember.
Where did you go?
Where did I leave you?
When you walk out that door,
Leaving me torn,
You're teaching me to live without it.
But still we wonder.
When we all fall asleep,
Where do we go?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 9, Drown in your words at midnight.
"****, my window makes hella noise after last night's thunderstorm."
"So does that mean you can't sneak out at night anymore?"
"There's got to be another way, I'll fix it."
"Do you think you can do that?"
"If I want to."
"What do you want?"
"You. I want you. I want to love you. I want us to be together in a safe place. I want us to finally be okay. I want us to have a normal life, without hiding the drugs and alcohol, without hiding at all. I want to talk to you. I want us to realise. I want to write and paint and listen to music forever without the need to stop. I want to cry. I want to smile. I want to drown in your words at midnight.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 8, Broken mirror
No one will ever make sure the clock stops ticking.
No one will ever keep a poem as one of their dearest possesions.
No one will ever leave the pages blank if they have words to fill it with.
No one will ever keep an extinguished cigarette in their package.
No one will ever stop being afraid of the dark, so we turn into the dark ourselves.
No one will ever keep an empty bottle of alcohol in their drawers.
No one will ever stop cutting themselves when they realise they shouldn't.
No one will ever keep the light on if they can choose to close their eyes.
No one will ever love without wondering why.
No one will ever keep a broken mirror in their pockets.
Or would you?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 7, The call of satan.
Are you okay? I can see you. I can see the tears in your eyes. I can see your face turning red. I can see the anger, I can see the need for help. Why do we hide it? Why do we push each other away? I love you, Can't you see? The silent call of satan takes my will to live away. Singing to the devil together, feeling Bohemian Rhapsody. The thoughts are leaking out of me right on the paper, so is my blood. The silent call of satan took my will to live away.