If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 6, Lillie
I might've mentioned it once or twice, this name, person, mind. This is probably one you can't relate to much. But maybe I can make you feel as if it does. I once heard this beautiful voice, that said my name. Well, it wasn't even my actual name. Just a nickname. You said: "Lillie, what you you think?" While you showed me one of your drawings. I was in love within a second. That beautiful voice, that one word never left my mind since. I wish it did though. It's killing me, Like i'm slowly suffocating. Lily's are pretty flowers. But are the dead ones too? Or can't you see that the flowers are turning into dust? Can't you see i'm struggling staying alive just like the flowers? Can't you see you never call me lillie anymore? Can't you see where i'm going?
I'm turning into dust.
You're the reason,
I'm doing this to myself.
So are you the reason,
I'm saving myself.

"Heaven can wait a little longer."
I told myself as I swallowed another pill.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 5, Books
Books, Sounds a little like the first one, poetry. but they are different. Because poems show you two sides of the story a book shows you your own. Ever walked into a book store and wished you won the lottery so you could buy them all? Walking home from the libary with a bag full of books. The old smell of paper. Did you ever got taken into a book so far people had to scream before you realised you should stop reading? Do you still remember that first time a book made you cry? Ever found back stories you wrote when you were six years old? Remember that feeling.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Part 4, Trembling Lips.
Another weird title. These poems start to look more like little stories than like poems. In fact they are though, But that's not the point. Do you ever look at someone, a friend. You see their hands shaking, And you know they're not okay but you can't ask them? When your lips are trembling with no reason, When your eyes start leaking without knowing why. And you look at that person, And have a sight of relief. Why? we'll never know. What we know is that this is love, In a weird way. Love is something we can't describe easily. For so many ways different, but all the same. In a glance of eyes, shaking hands. A sight of relief and a head on my shoulder. Pages full of words shown to one another. Yet, we still don't understand, don't know. How, and when will we see?

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 3. Bohemian Rhapsody.
Again, A weird title. It's partly true though. You can see it in two ways, Music and a wave of different feelings and emotions. Music can change lives they say, but could it also destroy them? Take Bohemian Rhapsody. In a way it sounds like how our mind works. So many different parts, emotions, feelings, memories, and yet changing so fast. It's beautiful, Just like humans. So brittle and so fragile. Music can indeed change a person, but what if it happens in a bad way? In Bohemian Rhapsody they use the words we could never use to describe how we feel, like " I don't wanna die, but sometimes wish i'd never been born at all. " In any song really, but Bohemian Rhapsody does just something to me. Your song will probably be something else, something that describes how you feel so perfectly that you can drown in their words. Like a poem. Again hard to explain, but I hope you understand.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 2. Paper Planes.
It sounds very weird; paper planes, but let me explain. Think about the times when you're walkin in a hallway on your way to a test, and you see a friend from a different class who already took it. You look at them and they immediately shout what you have to read, and you shout back the answer from the homework's last question. Or when you're in class, writing a disstrack about the teacher and annoying the **** out of them because the whole class just knew without telling we had to annoy the teacher. So you fold boats, make hats and trow clots of paper. When you have slack lay in class. When you trow paper planes and when everyone gets a F on the math test. When two of your friends want to sit next to you so you finally have a group of 12 people and don't do a **** during class. That feeling of luck, of happiness, of friendship and the feeling of stomach pain from laughing. Like you belong here. That feeling when you just have to smile. It's hard to explain but i hope you get it.

If you're looking for a reason not to **** yourself tonight, this can be it.

Sometimes, we feel as if nothing matters.
We all do.
So i made a list of a few of my own reasons,
13 Reasons Why
I'm still alive.
And hopefully you'll change your mind.
Those moments you feel happy, and nothing but lucky.
And you wish nothing will ever change.
I will try my best.

Reason 1, poetry
Poetry. Pieces of someone's soul. That feeling  When you love a poem, any. When you realise it's worth it and when your head is full of poetry. When You can look at anything and feel happy, like a true poet. When you look at the ink on your fingers and wish you had forever to write poetry and read it just because you can. Live.

Mind is full of words
Nothing fits
When I write
The're gone
How can you do this to me
It's magical

******* addiction.
******* depression.
******* pills.
******* alcohol.
******* love.
******* suïcide.
******* Truth.
Why me?

Fire turns cold, Forests lose their magic, mirrors break. Poets lose their words, And I lose you. We create stories without knowledge of what's about to come. We lie when we speak the truth. Eyes shining, Heads turning, Pens writing. Books whispering, Flowers shining in moonlight. Ink covers my skin, Brushes in a lake. A wall of reasons to die, to live and to keep me away from you. When I want to write, My story is yours. We'll never get there. Secrets spilled over long forgotten days. Mind turns cold, eyes turn gold. Want to be the one to speak her name as mine. Fell into my own lies, Confusion is me. Why do i keep when i want to lose this. Nothing breaks like you. I'm stuck. You can see, what if we both don't want this reality. Why me?

"I'll go to bed early, I have a busy day tomorrow."
When I lie in bed,
After 9PM,
The world changes.
Night is the worst time of the day.
When you overthink what you're overthinking.
My thoughts go to you.
No, I don't sleep well.
I dream nightmares,
When it's day.
Always on my mind,'
Never on my lips.
When will I surrender?

Now I all I got left is black roses
And they crumble in the dust
When they're held

I've had a lot of conversations with myself lately,
At night.
"Who told you to?"
"He made me tell myself."
"How do you know?"
"I don't."
Me, myself, I.
All different people
But all the same.
The contemptuous person behind this glass that I can't see because I'm desperately trying to see what I can't be.
I really want to know,
Who this person is I'm talking to.

I didn't know
I've been doing this for so long
I met you online
We had only one chat
About an hour
But you changed my life
In a bad way
In a way I can't describe
At that exact moment
The lies started
And have never stopped since

Wanting to be the one to speak her name as mine.
It's like a stare off,
All alone.
It's like a competition,
On your own.
It's like getting stuck,
In open space.
Why do i enjoy this one-sided love?
If it burns.
If it is away.
If i am lost,
I do not seek for shelter,
I seek for pain.

When you get older
Plainer
Saner
Wil you remember
All the things
You lost on us
It hurts me
More than you'll ever know
Wish i could go back
To the days i was lost on you
Night full of stars
Adrenaline rushes
The bittersweet taste of your lips
A cold gust of wind outside
Cigarette smoke around our faces
Eyes light and glister
Wrapped up blankets
Two glasses of malt whiskey
A fire in the burning in the hearth
And in us
A comforting arm
A comforting smile
It was good
But perfect can never stay
They pushed me,
And you away
You came back
So please come in
And help me remember
When you were lost on me
If I let myself
Love you

First of all,
Yes, i realise that this letter won't mean much to you but this really needs to get off my chest.
Sounds Standard like all,
Bet you heard all of these;
1. You'll get through
2. We care about you
3. We're There for you
4. You can do this
5. Don't **** yourself
Right?
But what is left to say.
I can't share my secrets
Because things can get quite complicated.
Wanting to be the one to speak her name as mine.
I understand
But nobody understands us.
So please,
I already lost myself to this illness called "suïcide"
I don't want to lose you aswell
Do it for me.
Please?

Error
Abort mission
Message can't be sent
How do I undo
These lies
When my own system crashed

Why can't i just sleep without dreams
And not dream about you for a night
I don't want to die
Nor do we want to live
Live for those scarse seconds
Of absolute happiness
But I feel nothing
And When This feels
I feel you
And i'm still not supposed to

That was different
Then i expected it to be
You walk away
And return to my back
Always
How long will it take
Was almost There
For you to keep on walking
In the opposite way
Maybe it will be now
Or never
Who knows
But before I can love you
I first have to get rid of you

Bite my tongue
One by one
Blood on the plain white walls
Your silence is my favorite sound
Dreaming nightmares
When I don't sleep
My boy, My man
My girl, My queen
I don't want to be me anymore
Don't be this
Fall apart once a day
I just wish I Could feel
What I say
Want to be the one
To speak her name
As mine
Never show, Never tell
Wish I knew you to well
Fell into your silver mind
And those golden eyes

Started not that big.
Thought of you when i was with her.
Or in boring classes.
It got more,
Just like the feelings for you that i am not supposed to feel.
No one knew about this.
They think i am in love with her
Even she does.
Even i do.
But,
All i wanted,
To be the one to speak her name as mine.
Now you're always in my mind.
Even if i don't realise.
So please,
For once.
Could you stop taking over my mind?

Because  there is no truth here.

I'm scared.
I've never fallen from quite this high.
Can somebody help?
Help everyone but me.
Because i'm afraid.
And my fear turns me into a terrible.
I'm afraid of the people,
And the fears,
And the lives,
And the world around me.
Just like how they are.
No fair,
You really know how to make me cry.
Again,
I am trapped.
Trapped inside your silver mind,
And those golden eyes.

It's kind of a weird story,
How I got these scars.
The're very special,
You can only see them
If I tell you they are here.
But the scars you think you saw,
The scars you think you pointed out on my body,
Don't exist.
The scars i have,
Are seen when i tell you to see them.
So now they are invisible.
Because no one will ever know.
That i want to be the one to speak her name as mine.
These scars,
Are from not from my knife but from you because i told you to hurt me and it would be better for you, for me, and for everybody.
Maybe you want to take the risk.
And want to see the scars.
I'll show them.
But i warn you.
You will not only see scars,
Lies.
Hate.
Anger.
Deceit.
Delusion.
Deception.
Seduction.­
Fallacy.
Errancy.
Oversight.
Aberrancy.
This can go on for a while.
I'll tell you this.
The one thing i keep in mind.
The one thing you should keep in mind.
Don't know, Don't see, Don't show, Don't feel.

Wish I Could
Say no to you
And be as strong
As you think I am
I'm afraid
Living in this cycle is bearable
But for how long?
How long will it take me
To destroy everything even more
Then that I already did
How can I live with this
Because the feeling
After breaking you
Will be just as bad as before
I am confused
I am screaming
I am happy
I am silent
I am all at once
I am me
A terrible person
Who hurts
Who breaks
Who cries
But mostly
Makes other people be
And the worst part is
I don't even know why
So one last time
Sorry
I just want
To be the one
To speak her name as mine
Even in my dreams
She's here
But does that count as cheating?
Because it feels
Just as good
And just as bad
Even my poems show that broken is not broken Enough for me but nobody seems to realise
How
Can I scream for help
I want to
How
Can I get out of this stupid roleplay I created
Out of this lie
Out of this love
Out of everyone
Without breaking something
There is Only one question left
Why do I give out signs for help,
If help.
Will make this word I created,
And destroyed
Even worse
The pieces are finally getting back together
Help

Confused
It's been happening a lot lately
Think you know me
Think I know myself
But we all know
The me that is terrible
The me that does not lie about it
The me that is a little badass
But no
That is just starting to become the real version of this roleplay
Nobody knows
The me behind the scars that are not from my knife but from you because i told you to do it and it would be better for you
The actual person behind here
In the corner
The me that lies about even this
The me that makes everyone cry
The me that makes life a game
The Only person who can say 'i love you' without care
And it has gone too far
So please believe me
No one will ever know
But how can i get out of this lie
If i am the lie myself
So here is a list
No not "the list"
But things i need to say sorry for;
Lying
Wanting to be the one
To speak her name as mine
Lying
Destroying all
Lying
Making sure you'll never find out
Lying
Saying 'i love you' while i don't
Lying
It's so easy over text
But it gets harder in real life
How long are we able to go on with this lie
You know it isn't true
But who will be the first to realise
You or me

Finally
I found you again
Just a stupid joke
Is what made us stay
Thought you would
Never actually return
And if you did,
Yes,it would take a while
I broke us apart
But apparently I also
Made you stick around
If you wonder,
I learned my lesson
Never break again
In front of others
Because they will break too
Sorry
I'm just so glad you're back
And I'm so afraid you'll leave me again
Because I really love you

Maybe
We could start over again
Yes, indeed she came back
But that doesn't mean you're comming back too
I would love it, that's not it
But I made this kind of confusing
So maybe think about it
And talk to me without caring
About my well-being
I broke you for a reason
So why are you still worried about me
I broke you to not care
But now you just hate me
And you still want the best
How do I undo
When the system crashed

Trapped in the open
A closed mind
How to escape
Soon, it'll be time
You could
We can't
What if I tell you
I don't understand

It all started
With that one shoulder touch.
That one brief moment
You looked into my eyes.
I looked into yours.
We weren't supposed to.
It broke me,
I broke myself,
I broke you.
But i still wonder,
How do you feel?
About this mess called "me"
Let me say my prayer,
And hope it's something good.

Hi
It's me again
You Probably don't want me
Don't want my poetry
Or my friendship
Well at least we talked again
Said you didn't want to lose me
It felt Amazing
But the problem is
I hurt her too
When i teared us apart
So we Can't just be like nothing again
Because it'll hurt her even more.
i'm sorry
Just wait

If I'm gone tomorrow,
Will you still be there?
Will you be the last person to stay?

If I leave tomorrow,
Will you make sure that I'm safe?
Will you make sure that I'm okay?

If I dissapear tomorrow,
Will you still love me?
Will you love me when I'm gone?

If I die tomorrow,
Will you promise you'll move on?
Will you promise you'll let me go even if we both don't want to?

Because I love you

Sorry
I Can't repair you,
I'm broken too

Sorry
All i ever wanted
To be the one to speak her name as mine

Sorry
For hurting you over and over again
It hurts me too

Sorry
I keep saying it's good for you
but i doubt my honest feelings

Sorry
That you don't understand me when i say
I love you

Sorry
For not comming with a warning lable
"dangerous, do not speak with"

Sorry
For not telling you
And never going to

Sorry
You could've guessed
I'ts to late now

Sorry
I'm kinda stuck
But you can't help me out

Sorry
Do I want to stay or not
Well I don't really know

Sorry
For lying to you and never stopping
It's a big cycle

Sorry
I really am
but remember

It's just a game