They tell me I'm such a brave girl,
For walking where I've walked.
They tell me I'm a brave girl,
For still breathing.
They tell me how proud of me they are,
For standing tall in front of him
And acting as if I'm okay.
They tell me I'm a brave girl,
But truthfully, I'm afraid.

Last night I had this dream
That you were here and
You were taking care of me
And then I realized
That maybe
It was a nightmare.

Entering an airplane,
For me,
Is like entering a church,
This sacred place where we sit in pews,
Eyes glued to the incredible,
Action up front,
Yet the view from the window,
As beautiful as the stained glass of the church back home,
Pulls longingly at my attention,
But unlike church,
I truly feel renewed,
When we land and I exit,
The beautiful, sacred plane.

Your lips are like poison,
But I crave every,
Deadly, killing, tortuous,
drop.

To know a secret,
Is such a giddy feeling, powerful, fun.

To have someone know you own secret,
Fills you with dread and despair.

An odd
Parallel.

Scars on my heart
Scars on my hips
I think I'll die
With your name on my lips.

Kissing the ground home
Writing haikus in the air
Long plane rides are done.

As Hozier says,
"Take me to church,"
Oh God, please do,
Place me inside that beautiful metal tube,
Gliding through blue skies,
Put me in an airplane,
So I can be renewed,
Please, don't leave me stranded here on the ground,
All I crave it to touch the clouds,
I'll sacrifice my entire being,
If I'm only allowed to fly.

I think one of the most terrifying,
Heartbreaking,
Moments
Is when you try to,
Remember someone and you can see,
Everything,
Except their face.

If our bones are,
Made of stardust,
Our hearts must,
Be made of something
More.
Perhaps within us,
We each have,
A beating star.

Close your legs,
Little *****,
You are a destination,
Not simply a door.
All your friends will know now,
And each one will judge you so,
You know what will happen,
You've gone through this before,
Silly, slutty, little girl,
When will you learn?
You are a destination not a door.

You can ask me as many times as you want
Why I did it
But my answer will always be
"I don't know."
And maybe it was simply because
I was falling apart
And he was there
While you weren't.

She wants to learn to fly,
So that she'll never be afraid in an airplane again,
She wants to learn to write well,
So she will never be afraid of how her thoughts are displayed,
She wants to learn ballet,
So she will never be afraid she isn't beautiful.
Poor little girl,
No one ever told her that you,
Never stop being afraid.

When your dad finally,
Buys you your hand gun,
I'll carve your name,
Into the bullets and
Place my head on the target.
You've killed me so many times now,
Let's just make it permanent.
And with the bullet and
You name there and
My eyes on you
the whole time,
There will be no doubt
You will be the last thing
Ever going through my head.

I fell in love with you in fractions,
At first it was simply with your shy awkwardness,
The way our silences were never filled,
And that was absolutely ok.
And then it was with your face,
The stubble on your chin,
The way your eyes crinkle slightly at the corners,
And how you look me in the eye when we talk.
That was followed by the way you held me,
Our bare chests pressed against each other,
Your hands softly caressing my back,
And how you would whisper the sweetest things,
Into my left ear.
And finally I fell in love with the way you didn't love me,
And I was so painfully filled with love for you,
That every fiber of my being begs for you to feel it,
Too.

I had long forgotten,
This nervous bumping,
Within my stomach of,
Butterfly wings brushing against,
Hearts, lungs, stomachs.
But he has brought it back,
With the fury of a hurricane,
Sudden, only slightly expected,
But never truly prepared.
Each message is now carefully typed,
Carefully prepared, time decided upon,
Each phone call spent nervously,
Picking at my cuticles until the bleed,
My heart is beating out of my chest,
Every time my phone buzzes.
I forgot for so long,
This giddy revelation,
Of fresh emotions and nervous,
Banter across states.
But, God, oh God,
Am I glad he's brought it back.

I am afraid of recovery,
I am afraid of being along,
I am afraid of purging  you from my system,
I am afraid of the two of us never speaking again,
So here I am begging you not to leave things like this,
I am afraid of leaving you behind in my memories,
I am afraid our jokes will disappear,
I am afraid of missing you,
I am afraid of recovery

I bargained with Death,
And Death said to me,
"I'll let you live,
But it will be a life full of misery,
And one day you will beg,
For me to come back,
And I will simply turn my head,
And laugh."

It's raining
And I'm watching planes take off and leave and
I'm sitting on trains that run endless loops
And I could be anywhere and
Instead I am here.

It's still raining and
I'm still watching planes take off and land,
And I'm still sitting on trains that
Run in endless loops
And all I want to be,
Is with you.

Maybe seeing you in those
dreams
over and over again
Is supposed to mean something
But I don't think
It would mean anything
to you
So, I guess I'll
Just stay quiet.

You and Me,
We could fit perhaps,
If you tried and cared,
And I didn't care too much.
But of course you won't try or care,
And I will spend my nights pining over someone
Who isn't even mine,
And we will do this tango,
Of similar thoughts for each other,
Without ever acting upon them.

I remember I used to be asked by you,
All the time,
"Are you okay?"
And I would say,
"I'm fine."
You would look at me,
With this steady gaze in your,
Storm eyes,
And say,
"I didn't ask if you were fine,
I asked if you were okay."
And now every time I am upset,
You sternly say,
"You're fine."
And I think there is deep
Irony in that.

"So I'll probably **** myself,"
I said to you,
"But not until I'm 21 and can stain my lips red
And drink for real
And get so drunk I'll dance right off a cliff.
The rocks at the bottom will hug me so tight I'll split right open.
And then I'll never be able to hide any of it
It'll all be there for you to see.
Bleeding out."
You looked at me and all you said was
"Okay."

The tenants of my heart,
Have so recently been evacuated,
Their departure was abrupt,
And they left much behind.
But my heart is for rent,
I'm opening up the space,
I promise you, you'll be pleased,
There is no better place.
The space is wide and open,
You can paint the walls,
I won't mind.
Make the place your home,
It's safe, it's warm,
The fee is rather small, I swear,
And a simple thing to do,
I will not charge you money to rent,
Out my simple heart,
I only ask that you bring love with,
And please,
Don't tear it apart.

He came screaming into my life like a balloon accidentally,
Let loose before the knot is tied,
And his words make me giddy.
So why do the words not flow onto the page over him?
Why can I only write sad poems?

My heart is torn in two
Over him and over you

He's the standard I'll never reach,
And you're the friend I'll never breach.

Each so unobtainable,
But each can make me smile,

So what am I supposed to do?
But let my heart remain torn for a while.

Never make a person your home because
One night you'll have come home later and
You're tired and it's pouring and
You're cold and shivering but
They have changed the locks.

When you left,
I tore everything apart,
To find my old journals,
And search for you,
My first words of you,
the words you wrote back,
And I found them.
I found them and you're everywhere,
Everywhere in them,
Everywhere in me,
So where are you now?

I'm not sure why exactly that,
I thought things would end different for us,
You with your silver wings,
And me, here on the ground.
But that's exactly what I thought:
"Things will be different for us,"
God, how could I be such a fool?

I
never
thought
forever
would
be
this
short

I'm stumbling
        Stumbling
           Tumbling
               Down a path of no return
You have lead me astray,
   Pushed me down the rabbit hole,
      With no rope to pull myself back up.
                            As I freefall I can't help but
     Let the thoughts consume my mind.
Will this dark tunnel end in Wonderland?
                                                                    Or will it leave me in Neverland?

Dear Future Lover of His,
Please listen to my words,
I want him to be safe,
In only a way which I know.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Please lay your heart on his chest,
Every day, twice a day,
And listen to his heart beat,
Make sure it is normal, on pace,
For if it isn't,
Something is wrong.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Buy blue Monster for him,
Before every soccer game,
For the pain and fear of seeing him,
Panting and passed out,
Delirious, is not worth any pain,
On Earth.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Don't pressure him to play guitar,
He will play for you when he truly wants,
And when his memories finally let him.

Dear Future Lover of His,
When he is drunk and sobbing,
Saying it is his fault,
Lay his head on your lap,
Pet his hair gently,
And remind him simply,
It is not.

Dear Future Lover of His,
When his anxiety hits,
Pull his hair for him,
And rub his neck,
Whisper sweet things in his ears,
And do not get upset,
When he doesn't want to be in,
Every one of your photos.

Dear Future Lover of His,
When he asks you what to draw,
Give him an endless list of suggestions,
So that his hands may never rest.

Dear Future Lover of His,
On June 15th,
Take him away from home,
Remind him endlessly how you love him so,
Then take him to the nearest parkour park,
And watch him run for hours.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Let him teach you soccer,
Because watching him play,
And go easy on you,
Is the sweetest thing you'll ever taste.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Never hold the past against him,
And please don't worry,
He hates your worrying the most.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Understand he needs alonetime,
Even if you need his time,
All the time.

Dear Future Lover of His,
Please be gentle, and kind,
Please let him love you for as long as he can,
And maybe you're place will replace mine,
The one where I am supposed to be,
For he needs someone to be there,
A rock, a constant,
And all I want is for him to be,
Happy.

Riding in an airplane,
Is one of the most terrifying,
Yet most beautiful things,
I have ever experienced.
There is something about the
Rumble beneath my legs,
Of the engine's purr.
Something about the lurch into the air,
That moment when you're
Neither on the ground
Nor truly flying.
Beautifying and petrifying.
And when turbulence is hit,
In the tiny Beech1900D,
The continuous jump, jump, jump,
Of my stomach,
Like an unending roller coaster
Only going down hill,
Lets me dance with death,
If only for a moment,
Before our wheels screech,
Against hot, angry tar,
And I can kiss the ground,
Once more

My thoughts scream against the cage
Of my brain
Pounding to be set free
As I go blue in the face from holding
My breath.

I'll overthink and overanalyze
In a vain attempt to save myself
But you are impenetrable to
My musings and I cannot see
Too far foward from this moment in time.

So as my lips purse and crack and bleed
I'll smile for you every time
And hope perhaps, if my reading is right,
Youll make your smile, mine.

How dare you tell me
I am not allowed to feel as if
I want my life to end,
When you used to come to me,
With your words screaming the pain
and longing for your own death
Because of the things which she did to you.
How dare you say I cannot want
To hurt myself,
When you have told me
I had caused some of the scars
On your wrist.

Perhaps I was just,
Another notch on your belt,
Of the 84 women you've ever dated.

I like to think,
What we had was far deeper,
For it lasted four times longer,
Than any of your others.

But you moved right on,
As if we had been nothing,
But a gust of wind in the summer:
Beautiful, but fleeting

Your eyes are storms,
Grey and silver and constantly
Churning, lightning sparking the
Brilliance within them.

My eyes are rocks,
Upon the shore,
Where your storms beat waves,
Relentlessly, but the rocks still
Stand.

A ship tried once,
To sail between the two of us;
Storm and Shore.
But your waves were quick to beat them,
And upon my rocks, they were quick to break.

No ship has tried to sail between us,
Since that fateful day.
Such an odd pair we make,
But we always find a way.

Snowflake kisses
Are almost as good
As the real thing.

If I cannot love you as a lover,
Then I suppose,
I'll settle for loving you as a friend

My insides are made
Of shattered glass
Held together by pink bubble gum
An irreparable scene
Masked by leather jackets, red lips,
And pastel hair dye.
I wear fake battle scars on the outside
So people don't dare look in.

I long for the life I've only seen,
In picture books and magazines.

The weight is dropping off my body,
Like rain rolls off the roof,
My skin is growing tighter,
Like the rope of a noose,
Tight against my rib cage,
The skin forms lips, a pout;
I keep growing smaller,
To get my heart out.

The problem with opening up,
And speaking the sad words,
"I don't want to be here anymore,"
And showing your scars,
So intimately sharing yourself,
With those you trust so dearly,
Is that, inevitably, the next thing,
To follow,
Is pity.

I strung mistletoe,
On every bough,
And waited patiently,
For you.
But you were the only one,
Who never showed up.

She dyed her hair
Every time she lost a person,
Her hair has been,
More than 15 colours.

Dreams too often become reality,
Now ours have become mixed.
We are living nightmares,
But perhaps we can be fixed?
No, no, no, you won't be trying,
No matter how much I call,
Even as I'm crying,
You don't care at all.

I have never seen such a love,
As that of the mountains and the sky,
Every day sharing wet kisses,
Of mist, snow, rain, clouds,
The sky combing gently,
Through the mountain's pine tree hair,
And the mountains forever outstretched,
Reaching up,
Waiting for the moment when the two,
Lost lovers finally collide.

People say love is not supposed to hurt.
But I loved you
And it hurt like hell.