Mystic cleansing of all the overwhelming love shared misplaced and lost
All crumbling 'neath the weight of a sigh from another day spent in torpor.

My dearest Alice My sweetest Esther My babyrose Elise
My bravest Alex My strongest Elliott My diamond James
I imagine cradling you until you're out of tears to cry and walking hand in hand as you grow into your own

The day I meet you will be the day my life stops and I carve my shadow itself into a devotee who's daytoday revolves around you.
And even if we never meet I live hopeful nonetheless, you've saved me

So much already. Dearest child
Dearest love of mine
I would trade anything that ever mattered afore if only for you to dream
your first dream

In my arms.

I don't leave my house much
and I keep to myself, dysthymia at my peak
    These days.
Blood in the sink after brushing my teeth for the first time in weeks
  and feeling all the more disgusted for it,although
I know it a mini victory in itself,enough of a sign for hope--
better than any ******* self-help book could suggest--
The laughing jittering chitchat all-being lovely paranoia stage has passed
And now i feel the hangover.
Luckily,the eureka's glued on too
And the reflection is easier to inspect now--
you know that Hemmingway quote:
Write drunk,edit sober? Like that,but over the coarse of a lifetime.
And how boring sober life is after the highest peak,but on the same note,
I've flushed the drugs to deter temptation,to better myself--
When i was bad they made me okay,
When i was great they made me even better,the world even closer...
But they're a ruining process. I've learnt to love the blossoming passion flower of my mind,
Although i want so to hate it currently.
I know i am,i know the universe is,and if you're reading this then you too are;
And that's all that needs to matter sometimes.

Through silence,through recluse,through art,through pen,through therapy,through time,through honesty,through dream,through woe,through laughter,through scream, through power,through weakness embraced,through fire,through love,
Through a madness unhinged but always aware
Of self and all surrounding;
You do what you can to get by,but most importantly,you do what you can to better yourself.

You don't have to be perfect everyday,
you dont have to be perfect most days,
But if you're trying for anything at all,you're braver than you could be,and not yet as strong as you should be
And that is a  very   very    good inspiration

orgiastic blurring within breadth of tiny movements
(Angelic cheekbones that cut thru the dark) miracles come untangled  --presented follower--
i lay with ur head on my chest awaiting the command of ur words
  u will never know me i'll never let u know me
i loved u far too early  too early to tell but i know the feeling well
i never wanted to say it leaving u the first time
but i knew it was true
made it to my train in a hurry
i'd've looked anyone in the eye bar u
head still pointed high
Rattling in my chair homeward-bound with a smile

i'm not ashamed i was never ashamed maybe nervous maybe ashamed later on for giving it another chance then another chance but i knew the outcome before going back
O but that's another story another time

  i held ur hand in ur street
i held ur hand in my city
and nothing else belonged  
but us
two kisses
two drinks between us yet sooo drunk
  but we just never seemed to last for one thing or another
i don't do relationships i just get ****** over and i'm used  to it
  by now i'm long used to it,

i've got blisters where your fingerprints once rested  
but they're gone now along with you
O boy i'm so blue

bohhhii am so bluuuuuu

  text me so i don't have to text u again

boy ur so conceited boy ur so soft
boy i saved u some trouble i'm not open to no one
i should've told u one heartbreak was enough  
but boy i'm glad i didn't
  i got what i wanted guess i'm selfish like ur selfish
and we'll never be friends
  u were never my friend

   in our silence i can be everything u wanted me to be
  and just keep to myself and stay unphased

ur on my mind everyday
if we were on speaking terms maybe i'd say
But i can never stay straight and u never have a good enough reason to stay.
so funny how things play out.
Thank **** the love was never mutual
Thank **** we can leave it at memories
You meant more than I could ever say...

love u now then and forever always

sometimes i wish i never saw ur face

making promises just to pass the time

We both know We'll never be together **

With a fly across my lips, your paisley wall,
Like the interior of a chandelier,
Floats like a cartoon span sporadically
Into motion.
Commotion, as the grimmoire that observes
Every moment as they occur,
cauldron that stirs the blood
Through the vein, is broken free.For a moment
The sky was loose, we were free and we were floating;
But now we watch as insects dawn our skin
And dismantle our presence.
My hand spirals the green neck of the bottle
That splits us, departing our lips indefinitely,
And you intercept to top your own glass first.

One (love triangle)
I wanna be your lover,
I don't wanna be his friend.
Don't make me go home yet,
I haven't figured out what to do with myself

He's better looking but does he deform your toes?
  I doubt it,
Maybe I'm just not much fun to be around, maybe I'm a pain.
I'm my only audience as of late and
I've got codine in my liver, smoke in my nostrils and the taste of your tongue
In my mouth, still lingering...
I've got long ago broken bones that linger too and owe a debt in your name
It's so hard to leave a person behind
O but it's such a sin to stay the same age for any longer than you have to.

her teeth are pissyellow like a passive snowball
you were the gift that kept on taking
and I took every breath in strife, choking on rain to see a face that was asleep and too busy
To answer the door even though she's the one that sent me over.

Alas, I cannot leave behind
a stone that I found arest in it's place.

There is no food left, there is no money there's nothing but memories of securer times
but this you know cannot last;
vagabond in the winter with gloveless hand,
May not die but there'll be pain,
But he was headstuck and
clutching dust he swiped from the surface of pinkbricks back in summer when impersonating a banker,
no matter how hard one tries to hide anything
anyone knows the whole story at a second glance
My pharmacist asked if I was ****** again
I couldn't even answer, I couldn't even talk
It's not a burden, it's just a shame,
just want to be alone where no one reminds of my mistakes that I live with everyday--
I'm just a person I once thought myself more as a young person does,

you made me ascend for a second I couldn't believe it when I saw
   you were cutting me down--
Hang em high forty-guns
   and all of them empty
I waited awake as long as I could for her but she never came
O well
bless you even though you forgot to sneeze

And just so you know

I wasn't *******, I was pleading nicely
I just figured I was worth a few minute's attention, sorry for being wrong.

You were always wrong

You were always wrong

You were always wrong.

(Two ) (honkytonk mania blues/streetket laced with 'tism)

I drag pain behind my ev'ry step, don't you think it's a sin?
Long distance walk left my body feeling hungover
I collapsed at your door and you still won't let me in...
I sat on your stairs and raced the sunrise to get sober...
By the time I gathered my senses I'd already missed the train.
Saw you got your new love, she looks like an uglier version of your sister,
you know I'm no one to judge but *******! She looks just like your sister.
I was aimless in life once, babe, but that was back when I missed ya.

Three ( mankysam+abandoned/abused+ sadsong)
1.
I live on borrowed time
I'm inlove with Mary Hilligoss
Our eyes match in their hauntedness
But they hold lifetimes behind them neither of us could know about

I've got a best friend I like a little and love alot
She OD's on otc tablets just to pass the time
Maybe you know her but I wouldn't like to know why if you did.
When I see her heading my way in the street I nonetheless slip like Tyson on ice.
I find *** repulsive these days but my arms are always open for talking
Just so long as she gives me an hour's notice.
I was inlove with her once, I truly was,
But just because it mattered doesn't mean it should've happened,

This life will strip you to nothingness in time,
The question is a matter of whatever you wish to pose and when, who really cares for why?
An artist only stands to lose it all when they no longer believe they need a muse.

2.
Time brandishes a change too immeasurable to be expected to be noticed
Much less confronted. Broken dishes and screaming confusion across the room broken choruses reprise all too distant and muffled thankfully, just like yesterday.
I was juat a child why do I still want to say that I wasn't scared?
And now the only consistent reliance only shelter of love a door I kept shut hitherto before I couldn't breathe and thus had to let it open
I prefer to be alone more days than not truthfully I know why but I don't mind.

3.
It was new year's eve and I couldn't shake the pains
So I had to ask and wait for a reply; his yes is like gold on the ears
I've walked on blistered feet and bled before,
I've walked on broken feet just to **** their pain and it's worth choking back how ever many tears
Isn't that the way of life mankysam?
up all night just to lay head against the brick wall with my fists at my hips
I havent seen it all but I know I've seen quite enough;
Your exocidal taunt of control you hold back so clearly like you hold open a door,
Like the first time dealer to the winning stack with his head thrown back and the light overhead burning his face clear enough for a blind man to see
I'm not dumb, nor lack the will to confront, I'm just lazy.

Mankysam is the solace,
  he wears above-the-law medallions across the barrels of his motor
(
salute to bonjour and the glowing colours
  that crowded the place--walls and a floor--
To a scene. So long to it all I'm going somewhere I've never been next year and that's the end of it.
)
One day will be the last day you and me ever meet mankysam

Today is not that day but I'm gonna make what I get from us last

     atleast for aslong as I can do so

What a joy to live calm lovingly hating everyone as they pass by and feeling no guilt for doing so.

I plan on making things better but I've made no plans yet
I know well enough I'm good enough to do the best I can,
If only for you

Mankysam.

My brain has been broke or breaking for years now I think it's just time to accept the damage is never done until no more can be inflicted,

And I swear I saw getting married but I no longer see anyone now
And I know God themself is capable of crisscrossing people who get too comfortable, so I don't seem to settle in anywhere at all.
But when Sammy gives me the call saying that he's near
I get dressed sharp as a knife and smile
so tall now in the mirror, like deserted grass.
Smile and forget all my stupid little matters.

(One) (Ican'thelpitifyoumightthinkiamodd ifItellyouI'mlovingyounotforwhatyouare butwhatyou'renot)
O
Melissa with eyes silvery like water when it starts to steam
Mellisa with your chealseacut that locks sunlight with its evry strand
Mellissa with your mausoleum ***** that cages birds that spin young confusion round our ears

Avuncular heathen teacher cardholder
With your gnostic stepchildren that bare you in their undeveloped wombs
And the scattered mouths that trace psalms from your footprints
   in the the snow before they're stolen by ice

And your dreams you stir and share in restless sleeps wanting only to live another day

Mellisa who prims lectricity to stone
Mellisa who cries for noone less you know theyd return
Mellisa with your lips of dried budded rose
And your Gishian whispers that weave flame outlined by a gold only cateyes can display
Mellisa with your cashmere skin that warms and rewards every touch granted
And your lost lovers left behind
And your hands like gloves over arthritic fingers frozen from the freezing outside
And your nicotine stains that overlap into a bruise  thick enough to peel
and mark your worshipless shrine
And your drunken boats that sail upwards from the waves that chain them down and rip upto the endless starry skies

With your pierced tongue you scrape your teeth with as you tic and sing

You know Id ****** kingsmen just to stay on the run with you a while longer

Melissa with your cheap scarves and blurry trench that too stays motionless as you walk

Melissa with your bleeding gums that could kiss the dead awake
Melissa with your seedless grief and puffy cheeks that hover distant from the rest of your face
And your catfish bellybutton that I cant help but crush

Melissa with your empty questions that ring answers as you wish to hear them
Melissa with your guns in evry pocket and boots sheathed and stained
And your methodist lungs which bleed ash as your clear your throat
And your cloak that wears all the skinny traumas inferno held in its windows

How could I ever have misplaced you?

Whence seasons lingered til you wore the elements from their shells
And drew armature cerise from the clouds into the stitching that holds together our palms
And your bloodmoon mason jar that you swivel like wine
And your veins that guide submission into something maniclike

O
Mellisa you prove evry love before you was a lie

Mellisa with your reliance on those you take care of
And your batwing leather jeans and dogpaw fingernails
that twiddle your permed fringe
And your sallow skin slowly flaking and shedding
And your blistered heart that beats my ears like drums
And your careless screams in public vicinities that begged to have us both locked up
I would travel the world just to collapse by your legs

O
With your wooden bedbug leg lashes that clasp as they wither dust

With your monotonous lilt you speak with and laugh with

With your vitiligod birthmarks that tattoo your flesh

And your jawline that twitches as your eyes have no choice but to seal

And your ribcage that falls loose against your sheets

I would break evry bone over again and again and gather evry malady just for your cool palm over my forehead

O Melissa you never have to doubt whether Ill love another

O Melissa with your back turnt to the mirror, I'd hold you forever and a day

If you'd still like me to this time tomorrow.

(Two) (Farewell, be safe evermore.)
I woke up with my head and teeth shaking, felt like I was gonna die
'til I smoked a cigarette to start my day

Phlegm built up like charcoal bricks, hits my chest
Bittersweet like the smell of the night-before's lover on bedsheets with their side now empty.

No heating and thus my coldsore is frostbit, and the other hex's they gifted me rest 'neath tired skin
With revenge long out of reach--
Further than the distance of a hundred dreams  in fact

I'm surprised I woke up at all.

I tend to repress my dreams when I can, I'm a broken chamber rattling death so loud I'm echoed and either ignored
    Or laughed at--

o lord haven't I had enough?
o lord I can't make miracles out of tragedy, o lord I cant keep up with the pain that preludes my every step, o lord without hope, however misguided, I'd go insane and never come back  nor want to o lord take me in my sleep

O there are some secrets lord I know only you and I can keep.
Bless the griefs locked and left only to memory.

Little babe lost you're so beautiful and ugly don't ever **** yourself.
even when other's turn you away so scared for it to ever happen they'd rather not talk to you at all  
Dont you ever **** yourself. live a little as we dont have much life to live and besides, I think you're doing fine

   and I can't wait to see you doing much better,
When you get the time to get better I'll be there to help you up
And dust off your shoulders any residue from the fall...
I mean you can **** yourself if you wish  babe
But you're going to have to **** me first to get the chance

You can use me if you want to, I'm quite used to it just as I'm used to breathing in the same air as the dead
The used  and users typically have the same goal, after all
It's such a headfuck to know the one you loved never believed in you in the end
I know, I know
o but lord knows I still do and I will for as long as you're breathing
And though the clock is merciless you do not need to mirror it in a response of anger,
No' any longer than you choose to let whatever's done and gone still linger
Some will help some will crisscross
I bare nothing no more now but the best for you.
And my little babe don't you ever take your own life,
life's a gamble and some tries will come up short but I can't bare to lose you anymore than I can lose the will to breathe; please just let me listen or atleast rest by your side and no' say a word.

(Sonder)
Blue mondays linger a few days or years

I've got too many mistakes I can't begin to undo.

I held your hand of different shades
And watched the life fade from your bones
Without a spare movement to show for it

Not even a spasm, not even sunken skin

Macaw loverboyyy, mamasboyyy
Addiction puppet-strung on a whim
  not caring which direction I was headed,

I was born to use and get used and fate is the hardest habit to break.

I made lighthouses out of tiny chipped pawn pieces
I stayed up for nights trying to define
  Your holy ways in words--
What weight on the shoulders is that of an overnight eyebag compared to all those days lost and wasted?
And while you and all they other muses are dead here I breathe still;

Worthy or not
It doesn't matter.

The only unconditional love I have left is from someone I refused to speak to this time last year

and it's clear that I love 'em too cause I never say that I do

But these days I prefer my own company
  
As you know

And if you've the right reason's there's nothing wrong with that, I'm sure you agree

Suicide isn't a rite of passage but self-harm in some form or another just may be

And I've tried just about every method,

I used to haunt my home, encircling my messy floor skeletal
Not wanting to make a sound as I stepped.

Anorexia nervosa-- I never dealt with it and that's how I deal with it--

Even if every bite makes me sick now

I'll think different when I starve and my head isn't full of too many thoughts to get by on autopilot,
I stay inside when I can and I stay alone and I plan on dying this way

(Blondie) (i is another)

Sunshine washes over my shoulder like rainfall
And ruins my jejune overcoat.
I've got gold on my mind and spite on my tongue for all the wrong done to me

And I believe I'll stay silent again today because I'm proud of who I was yesterday.

I wear my ancestors faces although I'll never know their names

Put cigarette emojis on my grave and those clapping hands that has been misconstrued as praying hands for so long that that is now what they are.

Give me a house as a honeybee in memphis or somewhere else I've never been
And see to it that I don't recall a thing of this lifetime of mine and all it's lazy miracles.

Weakness is a force to be reckoned with if one is strong enough to face it naked.
Anger is a constant that's too recognisable to even be worth getting into with words.

I'll rewind the clock and swear on a life long lost.
Some days all I feel like is a vessel,
A decrepit theaterhouse, running memories.

Staring out with blank eyes at the ceiling.

Finding myself only to lose myself the next day;
Force-fed a shadow from a wall
From in my dreams. I am not this cryptic skin,

I am not who I was, and that is a blessing

I should have accepted and embraced long ago,
I am not a part of the puzzle because the puzzle

                                                         ­        was a myth in the first place.

Your absence will be so felt I cannot picture it until it happens
and I breathe in the air of a room you will never breathe in again.
A good day often preludes the worst news. You were gone as soon
as I found out you were hospitalised.
Your sly remarks, and laughter that took so much effort to get,  I always feel so empty reading that kind of news, that was yesterday and I had things to do today and so I had to sleep and wake up and sleep again, dreaming about telling family about your passing, it's always a confusing first few minute's after waking up to face the next day after a death.

I thought you were about to die atleast ten years ago,
You were in a bad state but survived and seeked salvation in the Holy Father and I do hope you found peace in his light, I hope you were not too scared although it's a side too terrifying to empathise with until you make it there or you don't,
And I'm so glad I got to meet you again and know you again
And you will be missed, you did exist and stated your presence until old age
and you were a fine old man with your own stubborn sense of care and humour and it's hard to believe I heard your voice just weeks ago
-but it always is, isn't it? At this point I will be surrounded by death until I die myself, so it is and so be it-
You were gold washed out by sunlight and buried in sand, as you limped and trembled with every step and sat and spoke in a burnt voice with rectangular spectacles dipping the bridge of your bruised-looking nose
Papercrowns and bad jokes from cheap crackers on the last two Christmas', death always expected and life always taken for granted when living in the moment
  bored as hell and passing time that has all so clearly passed now.

I am not looking forward to seeing your empty silent chair, it all hit me today although I kept myself busy, but
I always end up alone and in agonising pain some point of the day or another
and I've had the whole day to process your death and every other death and draw all my same useless conclusions and hypothesis and rerun memories in a way to make sense of a person no longer being. So it is, so be it.

I walk through every day staring out head blank as **** and barely say a word to anyone and aslong as I'm unbothered I stay that way. I saw some traits in you that went beyond any blood-relation, perhaps that says so much more about me though, atleast, if nothing else, we could both agree: it was always a good night to stay inside.

Hysteria Hysteria Hysteria.

Look at the stars
Spinning, coursing lightweight
   Through the blackness,
Like ice-coated spiders
Floating gentle, softly interweaving
Cloud and hovering nearly near enough
To be captured by your tiny hands.

It seems all so easy
To stay here mentally forever.

Look at the stars
Drifting magnetically, childlike
In their path. Lost and dreamy,
An image separated from a cause;
Heavenly blessings as they drop close enough
To kiss the roses,
Breezily hoping to rest frozen

'Neath the nest of your tired skin;
Lazily watching the night transition

As others must've all those nights before--
When you were too busy to pay them any mind.
These stars map a codex that laughs at you
While you're fixed to the ground and forced to look
           beautiful.

These stars sing of the dead. Muses without a voice
Or lives to any longer be lead. The stars dream
Silently of you, patiently nibbling at your breath,
Looking forward to the day they can absorb your
            smiling teeth.

The stars hold your spirit and you theirs,
Both constant and unremarkabley dull--
The stars did not ask to be beautiful,
We made them that way. The stars

And you are one, in as much a way as polar opposites
Can be one.
You and the stars, making your fates as you go along...

You and the stars: unintentional twin sisters left astray.

You and the stars: two blind men unravelling an exquiste corpse.
You and the stars: two pawns beating helpless in awe of their sojourn.
You and the stars: complimenting the other like sand does glass.
You and the stars: in awe of each other and the rainwater that
preludes

The moment.
You are the stars, you are the dreamer, you are the observer,
You are the life that has been given life in order to give it back

Sing softly now and lullaby the stars asleep,
Like the son does after growing old for his dying mother,
Like the summer leaves do when their boughs start to snap.
Sing softly for the stars that remind you of whence

Once you were nothing

But a hypnotised lantern

Wandering the endless black.

You and the stars, connect them
even when they appear as aimless

  anxious dots.

Form a shape out of the stars; encarve
And embody the flesh of your own constellation.

On again,off and then departing
From homeward sail based in the sky--
I heard the woman gowned in all phantom white
Wandering the gardeny streets,
Her barefooted steps concussing the concrete.

She walked beside me and watched as I trembled
With her eyes that windowed memories in the same way
A camera captures a scene or a seashell a slice of the ocean
And I never think to ask the whole story.

Her lips permanently signal silence,
Her skin porcelain like her nails and teeth
   And when she speaks,it's in a lilt so light it sparks your bones.

'Do you think it should rain later this morning?'
As relayed,my bones spark and my heart edges closer
To my throat. 'The sky is static-grey and gloomy as is'
She replied 'yes, but some rain would give it some character'

We spent the remaining wander without a word
   Then the woman dissapeared. On my way home
I felt droplets bite through the fabric of my shoes
    And I suppose the woman got her answer.
Sunny white morning brushed through the bushy clouds.

Luminescent skin, spiralling layers pressed
From inside the curling dagger pollen;
Violin strings draw forth the butterflies
Towards their fate, cerberus lips clasp
Wings of dafodil— spotty mossy green
Outcrosses the budded red drooping dead;
Akashic run, like that of a waterfall
Whence rippling pendulums row,caught infinitely.

Glowing stem— seperating to laughing claws
and mandalas paused along fully harmonious crease;
All falls back to fungal soil underground
For which all life is magnetically supported:
Prestine exoskeleton, flaming bones
that weavith skyward with ancestral ghost
softly chasing, having foundated their creator.

Blonde hair binding split petals via waves
  Of furious vibrations, snapped calm and quiet.

Mature flesh and bone, whom let the pencil
Move over pale canvas—
'I picture a clock that's arms spin fire
Outward. '
Poor woman, legless two years
Prior to her deathday— wonderous harbinger
Who once, overwhelmed by the menial day to day,
let pencil fall,skim and form
   and reform

Beautifying the world -- lonely, bold and brave
Her mind image caught, fished through the haze

And etched for the rest of time to forget.

I've been trying to tell a different story
most my life,
slip through the day like a dragged carpet
down an empty hallway

Disarranged, I took my face apart in a spotty mirror the other day
(Attactched, dissattached; when you allow your eyes to hover
free from you nose, when you trace the crackling festoons
with a black filter tip. One's face is a jigsaw that runs
at the reel of a zoetrope, a painting in real time

The lonesome Dorian Grey dishevelled at 4 in the morning in a ****** council flat
not looking forward to going home to a mess. not looking forward to my own company)

Cousins up Niece is up nurse is up nephews a step or two off from adolescence it's insanity

I remember holding each of them as soon as they were born
like they were only (their own little) yestardy's

seen them grow and become who they are as I grew contempt waiting

It's been a wild year or two, expurging the last year or twenty

And understanding how I got to where I'm at and how I reacted thus far when things never went according to plan

And I've still a lingering parental instinct
enstilled from my mother, God bless her she's still fighting
Though everyone lost their faith. Face still fractured,
My mirror crowned me with the reflection of my father and I thanked it kindly as it deemed me a *******

I try not to rush through the days,
Soak it up kid you're only this age once
This day is the best day ever, best minute, best second
best time of my life, My reason for living
and I'm too stunned at that thought to even enjoy it--

I live in the future and the world goes on as is
and it's gone
and it's gone and it's gone and it's gone and it's gone and it's gone and it's gone and it's gone

Flowers are the earth's fruit
    Which await the sun's permission
         To beautify and ripen

And at night may serve
   As guiding lanterns floating atop
          Their mother thorns

To gently lead the moon oceanward.

Including the hangover,
                                       that's two wasted days.

Autumn,with the force of rapid thunder
Dawns the sky, clawing the lake asunder
  Beneath our steps
As we leapt
  To,fro,and to again;

Here we burn, trapped to our limboid sojourn
Gasping for air as the Daemon sits without a care
Tracing and chasing the ends of his thinning thread
Connecting to our voodoo dolls, laments of our death
In silent whispers only existant at all by the dents
Where our mouths should be.

This dreaded haunting, this memory looped
With crimson nails the Daemon draws hoops
Pliable as a smoke ring from laughing lips,
The Daemon strings us by his fingertips—
Reminds us we alone created hell on earth—
You can taste it in the kicked up dust,
The unlexical powder that remarks our birth
In this stale heat, our skin starts to crust.

I called you my best yet, you said I was a settlement in a lost bet,
I called you a ***** and wished I drownt you in the wishing well
Where you'd only have other mute spirits left to tell; I set

Out on a ****** scheme that night--
To slit your throat as you awoke and watch you fight
Without a chance.
I watched you in your contorted dance and felt you lift,
Shiver and go stiff
Dying in my arms. But as I sighed I felt invisible red eyes
Settle on us from the willows
Behind the blindness window.

I heard a needle scrape, a scornful moan and a bat's descry.
I knew then I truly was the pawn in a wicked game
Who's evil was signatured in our name.

The devil netted your soul dear, and already had mine.
And as I sat straddled over your limpid frame, frozen in time
And feeling his nails, like worn toolbox screws, along my spine
I oddly thought pleasantly of better times:

Of our first meeting on that autumnal day, when caught in the breeze
And kissing discreetly
Amongst the trees
and along the lake we simontaniously compared to the mythical  Lethe.

I loved you then, oh how I did,
And in return, we'll love forever—
Us, the looping dead.

a headboard crashing
echoing against the walls
like whips of lightn'in'.

Life is madness,
But try not to get caught
to the trap of getting too easily
                             astonished.

No accent better than broken-english
The country's a **** hole now though.

Hallelujah's dwindle the arcades like pendulous chasms

Chasing down the shadows only to end up with their tails

In their throats.


The silence was eerie. I was asleep half the day because

There was nothing to do when up

And far less to do when I was down

But I guess I'm just more use to the feeling of a sunken ship.

The bells and sirens are screaming now though;

The worst part is that no matter how much I improve myself

The biggest issues are circumstantial.

Devil watching the TV and grinning as if he'd snatched the souls
To mansons; I was too hung up on the risk to ever take chances

But I've grew sick of romantascing my struggles

Swear to God I've been dragging the same cold winter on my back

From like five years ago and I've just been letting it stack while I
Selectively snip the worst of it following one too many mistakes...

I've grown truly wise in a sense that I no longer rely on hope,

Been broken in the same way too many times to react the same as I had been.

We're all destined for the ground so I am going to stand mine while I still can.

Prickly morning sun strings up
      the hair on her arms as she gazes,
watching the waves bobble and weave and listening
to their dead seashells and shellfish;
       ricketing and momentarily floating.

For a moment, her heart is the ocean.
  Always beating and providing life without
knowing why. She sighs and begins to forget she is lost--
The synthetic shores of everyday life at her backfoot,
   the burning sand ridden with childhood memories.
She slowly allows it to dissapear
and recaptures a piece of her self
                                                            ­  in return;

Belonging to this ocean as much she does the sky it reflects.

Calling, lamenting her name without a word, the ocean
     lullabies her soothing sighs, falling rythmatically now--
Raindrops disinter the clouds and tickle the rythm
     of her pulse. Soft, soft backing instrument to her final
            calling. There is no need to look around again;
  
There is no guard in sight. The prickly sunshine fades
  To ruthless cold air and she walks forward, mouth agape
        and ready

For the ocean to swallow her and recapture her, entombed,
     enwombed forever more.

One day the moon will stop.
    Settling it's last motion unto eternal stillnes;
   And the ground will quake, craters will rattle

And we'll lift like lanterns, light as lit matchsticks
  As we rise to the final night sky.
   Joining the ranks of stars forever stillborn.

The oceans will quiver along one last circlet
  In ode to their past life and the lives they lived through,
   And we will look down at our old skin...

         Never feeling ready enough to properly reincarnate;

I never liked kissing her
Until I kissed him and
His breath tasted like hers.

I 'spose it's the culmination
Of decay, plaque, cigarettes
And a mouth that's gone
Without brushing since
Who even knows when.

Such a joy to learn to love
The ugly after it reveals you
Too are ugly, ****** breath
Tasted just like fermented
Roses. Lips folding over another
My tongue begrudgingly knotted
'Til realising this was the moment
I lived, the kiss we both initiated

But ******* I didn't want to miss her
On that particular day.

Ofcourse I never mentioned anything
To either of them.

Most of my life has consisted of inner dialogue  

I know your mind more than you'd care to admit yourself;
Through your ****** twitchture's that identify a life time
In their every snapshot, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you so much as to want to taste your life
And suckle away and ride aside any bad memories
Then hold you warm forever after.

I think our first kiss lasted
like the the afterdust of some supernova star
   I wish we could stay like this forever,
I feel I could only learn to love you more.

Like a prism unravelling
    At the sight of it's own ugly reflection

Without a care, without a thought;
My heart beats calmly in it's place

And reminds me I'm still here.

My face has aged so many years, I feel I've lived

   A few condensed lifetimes and the year's
                 not even over yet,
Is it brain damage or being stuck in a doldrum?
I dont know and neither does it matter.

My brain is bleeding, my thoughts are scattered
Like a violent death translated
         Via zig-zags in a pulse monitor.

Dont let me die without a scream,
     Dont let me be this way forever.

I don't want to sleep on you again but you make me so tired
You say you want to be lovers but I feel more like your diary whenever we speak...
this prayer will not be answered in the form of an unchecked pocket,
there's a limit to how many times you can lose anyone.

And you never said sorry and if you did I wouldn't believe it,
I think forgiveness is selfish by proxy, surely you wouldn't disagree

Like Elster and her promise
I'll emerge thru hell and roam blistered from the snow
To see my true love's face once more;
I carry her face everywhere I go
I just learnt to let go of all the words spoken,
abandoned broken wing's never mend
And I can so easily pass her shoulder-bredth wordlessly and pretend she means nothing to me now but do you really expect me to pretend we were never lovers at all?

And I never got a Farewell kiss from you, I know you think I'm hurt by that fact
But little did you know I stole one instead from your cat...

Now

Go away and stay there,
I'm sorry it meant more to you than it did to me,
That's not my fault though.

Raise a glass and drink up til the bottle is done;
Here's to addictions unconquered
Here's to suicides attached to names not known well enough to grieve for
Here's to the burden one passes onto another when one gets too comfortable
Here's to those who cared when no one else did
Here's to those adolescent walks in the dark chasing shadows
Here's to us speaking til we fell asleep mid sentences
Here's to the lovers who kicked us out the house then kicked us in the head for leaving
Here's to walking in circles with each step painless for the first time in forever & staring out into nothing astounded
Here's to smoking for the first time in months and thinking back to one night years before and the self-inflicted concussions that followed
Here's to the faces we can't look at anymore without our chests caving inward & hating ourselves
Here's to the fascia tissue unzipped & exposed and cringed at & regretted & better left forgotten the next morning
Here's to our sorries telepathically sent & unsent
Here's to forgiveness reached in silence
Here's to time healing nothing but changing everything
Here's to first kisses and final goodbyes
Here's to when she wore his dress for the first time and he her boots
Every vice has it's versa and every versa it's vice, right? right. so
Here's to holding hands with another for another first with heart pounding and surrounding eyes staring or going out of their way not to stare the closer they'd get
Here's to saying **** everyone & everything else when you know beyond a doubt what's right is right
Here's to ugly faces made pretty up-close and seeing pretty faces turn ugly
Here's to spending those last pennies on the first pack of cigarettes in years and looking into foodbanks & catshelters incase nothing got better
Here's to laughing hysterically after getting told you were cheated on, knowing you won't be the paranoid ******* for breaking up again and the hangover-like realisation two days later when the worthlessness settled in
Here's to those lonely walks home covered in blood & punching busstops & ******* in the middle of the street undisturbed by a single soul in-passing
Here's to that hour writhing in a floored mattress screaming the same name over & over again to no answer
Here's to things not working out as planned and it being upto you for that to be for a reason,
Here's to being comatosed & frostbit in pisssoaked jeans as crying family waited for the ambulance to arrive
(surely, I'm not the only one who was supposed to die at thirteen but didn't?)
Here's to the writers who changed how we wrote, the gentle man obsessed with mud turnt muck & thunderstorms & ******* and the pretty French boy and the boundless reclusive femcel before her time
Here's to the men & women we could never become
Here's to love stated but no longer felt, and vice versa and vice versa.

And
Here's to this, the final top up of the night! -too drunk or too tired? either or- and what a night it's been, considering the weight of all those nights before;

Here's to all those loves that never worked out & all those suicidal nights alone trembling with fear of the following day & the next, all leading to you and I sharing this wonderful day together.
Honestly? I wouldn't trade it for the world

Armies roam from countries without name intoxicated from hexen and strangled with furious visions they
     are fated to bring into fruition.

Diseased, deformed and locked to a sole lover
Who's kisses are like a rat's dying twitch
He must swallow each one fruitless like the only remaining food left. "I'll see your bed kept clean"
She says clutching her scarf to her throat
'I'll even leave the richest flowers at your head."
And as he let the door fall behind him atlast he finally responded to his wife of many years
"I will not return."  in a tone so unrecognisable to her it froze her cold,
You see, that was how his voice sounded when he told the truth.

And as wandered the road each step bringing him closer to joining his men
One thought rang like a bell looping throughout his head:
Love is many things, a refrigerated bigmac is not one of them.

pain bespeaks pain okay
   you're entitled to go sadmasc when life has you itching faking like a ***** if you must say so
think i hear rats squeaking outside but I'm too scared to look my eyes have been draggled
        wounds bleed endless in my mind all day like a backdrop stream that never runs out I'm used to it get a grip it's okay
I use to dream of a lover and a dream we could embody an army,
   A million different souls that loved in unison and twitched together in one room at night
But what's your issue sir that lover'd say to me; our sibilance is all we really have in common anyway
The world around is crazy we're all born soft, get crushed and numb or get in other people's way
That's the way I've learnt, I see selfishness unfold from people who always startout with the best intentions.

The wolrd is so forver clear when everyone remains strangers,
Let the days drag on-- I'm comfortable
inhaling and exhaling the air from the same room every night
Like cigarette smoke, so relaxing so that I ignore the soft nipping peeling my lungs like a cruel diseased kiss, clawing for blood and making ribbons out of my skin.

See how storms come, destroy and pass so easily forgotten
You are so strong in too many ways to count and this you know-- and above all else you must believe your unknown strengths hold so much more power,
Your cries are burying bodies although you are too broken-hearted at the time to notice;
Life's a mess of obvious' and symbols and your life holds
So much power in the form of realising what direction you choose to take,
And by now you surely know hell is not a place it's but a season

And by now your paintings have been stored aswell as burnt and you saw how little the difference left you
Besides your face being left ashy.


I never meant you any harm but you rightfully act like a tragic melodrama-maiden as you're bound to
And I leave it alone as I should
I grew tired growing up just to die
Young in battle day after day.

What caricature image must I be in your words
And look like in your head
For you to've justified every bad decision made?
I used to wonder now I see it more

As a pitty too frail so that it's put to the back of my mind, I lived with so many embodiments
    of sadness and I barely had a good placement

To even start out with, did I? Still, I'll carry a smile
As prominent as starven bones when
I hear my name called and know you're
Away from my side forever after.

Some days are so low it hurts,
      Heartbeat racing limbo and spreading
Centre of chest in an empty ache.

Perspective slips, sliding underfoot
       Like a carpart pulled and unravelling,
Enveloping me and passing me by.

Some days floating still, eyes closed
         and wanting to dissapear.

Take care and be careful
riot vans flooding the streets
Live in the moment- be cheerful
While you still can

Eyes glued to the future and scanning,
Never expect things to go to plan;
But the solution is simple and like you
I can seal it with my hands
But I'd rather live my life eyes shut

A widely opened book
With the footprints on my skin to show for it
**** pouring it up, I'm engulfed in it
And threading delicate alibis out of my lonliness

Parading through the chaotic hangover with the ambition

Of a tectonic force.

My mother said they say the dead are blessed
but i don't think so,

i wake to my dream's afterimage overlaying
the ceiling;i stay laid in place
envisioning myself
gorged in holy water, purging away any memory
hitherto

but that's just not the way it goes;
Sat here as the vinyl needle scratches the same
  scabs,as a tired revolver—

leaks **** of sound,thick repitidous clouds which
  lead to nowhere and nothing—

a bored, ambient crackle,

  
In the poetic spirit, it reeks of home
  but reminds me I am I, alone

And in the conversing-sense
  it gives me a ******* migraine,

it was one of W—’s favourites
when it's tune was still entact

But alas, it is what it is, outside is a world
i've grown too sore to mingle in
(dare i say a multiform delirium where
  it's both too typical and too unpredictable
((daren't i blame another reason?)))
Regardless,i'll stay inside another day
  
and skim and retrace the life that brought us here
   to **** the time.


If nothing else.

Legs astretched like venomous broomsticks
Fangs drooped lazily like a calm nosferatu,
Those eyes gold as sun on styx, treasures
  that spun flame between his every blink--
Sandpaper tongue dragged over black hair
Nibbling his own wrist momentarily, then
Locking sleepy eyes on you, ascending fleece--
Retractable moonbeams flex teasing attack
   then kneads, falling like a lullaby back into
       uncapturable dreams; purring in the spirit of poe.

Lift the crumb-sized bit to your lips,
Hesitate until it's too late for hesitation,

Fold to tongue and absorb those tasty, harmless
Spider footprints and germatic warzones.

petals of the willow
vibrate with mild rain
as our approaching footsteps
run through them
coalescing in a magical scene
seemingly beyond a stroll in the park;
above,the crepuscular sky hangs
fake-looking,like a stageplay's backdrop
with a myriad of still blue's overlaying
one another
and the clouds like puffy scabs atop youthful skin.

I think we are slowing
down (perhaps,unconsciously to fit
the pace of the scene)
and I think our footsteps are mirroring our heartbeats,
I know Mine are
And I know Yours are mirroring Mine.

beneath us the willows' petals tremble soft
and I am glad
to be alone with You tonight,to belong to the park
together,forever entuned,
forever entwined-- if only for tonight.

Sailing soft, frozen in time--
Sat on your chair where I could've sworn
I saw a past life regression flash along

Your face. Stuck there now,
I'm alone now and forever forth.
For years I stored half my cash into a box
without second thought
just to end up spending it all in six months.

that last crash erased all the academic pablum
that proved less required reading
  more distraction.

Just a border now,
head against an extending wall,
Witless and stonecold sober;

At ease with every unanswered craving
And coexisting with a life where nothing goes
   according to plan.

Our first kiss, lips pressed--
Electricity to stone--
A new age to bloom.

Her arms locking round me, her warm embrace
         Like cashmere touched for the very first time
And feeling too perfect,too comforting to exist.

Maybe we were only made for God to hear gorgeous music
The angels and fishes failed to provide
But then we just got a little carried away with ourselves,
And so he deposited his gloves and dusted his hands
Happy enough with what he got

I can't say my r's yes I know
It's aww so cute
If you want to stick out
Maybe you should tell me
I've got an ugly smile

But then

You would

Be lying. And you know
How I feel about liars...

on the phone
you talk and talk until suddenly
  you say you're going to let me go.

i stare out empty, filling in images
  over the blank wall, it's became a sort of silent mantra as of late;
the vague daydreams are bound to crumble back to memory
some way or another
if not wear it's bite marks like tiny wounded flags

i let grow swollen.  i only wish you never changed me like you did. i remember gathering rugburnt rashes
on our underthighs, making each other's jaws twitch
with the electric heater as our modern day campfire.
it's a good day for a warm shower, to burn my skin red and peel an unrecognisable face out of the mirror, a clense, a diy baptism;in the aftermath: i showered as many times as i had to,
i saw the outcome miles away (it was a certainty any time i dared to speculate on the possibility)
O why am i so sickened ?
i had to figure out if i had any right to be

and the days dragged on so long.

your eyes glowed like chasms once,
they've grown oxidated and cold since.
i hope i've done my part to change you.

Sometimes I've felt like a pawn being puppeteered to trapeze a thin string,
Knowing for sure that I'm drawing a noose but waiting to know who it's for.

Nothing happens and as long as I'm sedated nothing can go about it's way blissfully

I can't stand to live another day across from you
But you know where I am if you need a place to stay

I've mistaken my killer for my twin before
And the aftermath is me left alone to answer:
What else have I got to lose?

Dart your eyes to the floor and keep them
there when you see me passing.
I don't bask in your fear, don't misunderstand me, I want the best for you that much has never changed
  nor will it ever

You just owe me as much to carry the burden of knowing me beyond skindeep head on lap fingers claw thru my hair cancelling out the noise nextroom and lets me think I could sleep if I wanted to,

Who'd you think you are to tell others I was never grateful?
My grace is all I've had for a while and that's what's been the matter
With or without you there to add and take away from me in that state
or parading as some other,
We both did it it's only human infact when we stopped imitating it was only right for us to fall apart

You take my silence as anger and consider yourself victorious
Baby I know you as well as you know me
We'd still be best of friends if you'd kept your shoes on,we both know that; but how can you expect forgiveness and for me to be thankful for you
Saying you forgive me
I'd be less stunned if you slapped me baby
I figured you out long before we gave up speaking then became you in your absence just to impersonate your company
Is that not a white flag being swayed by a dying captain?
Shame shame shame cast for all nearby spirits to observe and laugh at
if they so pleased

I bite my teeth and stomp my feet but nothing ever changes

I left some dead fruit
  By the window ledge
In the hopes fruitflies
Would sprout and break free

  their torrid wings from the grapevine roots.

Instead, all I got was a smelly room

And grapes that hissed dissapointedly
As they crackled inward in the background
(rotting flesh now too heavy
to carry on stiffupperlipped).

How sunny it is outside. How much

  Sunnier the weatherman says it'll be
tomorrow. Atleast, I think with my last thought
Of the day,

Atleast I'll remember to get fresh fruit tomorrow.

I was falling asleep while speaking

but you kept the conversation going
Until

You pushed and pushed and I willingly fell again

We laughed and rumbled half asleep in my bed
We kissed again and I said I missed you you said it back but next day walking you to the bus
I thought to myself how I wasn't serious-- you know me
A people-pleaser to no-end until they please me back
we were so young and dumb near this time last year,
And I just cannot understand why you miss her like you do,
I miss the dead and no one else, before she died she
Was starting to become like a big sister--

But nothing gone really has to matter any longer than you
let it, does it,babe?
And even though you're a year older I always felt like a big brother,
I've bled and disfigured myself in your name so you
best believe when I tell you I don't even like you.

But I know you'll just laugh in my face...

O I'm so cruel and you're so cold and we're both so dumb I guess that's why we get along babe.
Your voice changed back to the one I fell inlove with
Your face looks
so different upclose, you and me can talk so smart when we want to,
Give good advice if we cared to;

I wish I could still blame it on loneliness and drugs but I've been sober for too many days to be worth counting anymore.

Did I ever tell you I loved you beyond mouthing it when we started our shortlived affair? Why's it so much easier to say now

Each
time we hang up but you never said it when you got on that bus, why was that babe? If I still cared I'd wonder who

Was on your mind
instead of me

Thank God I've gotten used to isolation since our last night just us together,
though I'm certain I hated you then as much as I loved you then

And I never made a promise I didn't believe I could keep
Although I've said many things that turned out to be lies.

I look forward to our next meeting, I've long known I don't appreciate you until you're gone.
So please,
Never stray too far, I will not kiss where your feet rested
but I will grieve your death in my dreams and I will awake praising God
that it was only a dream.

Her pale flesh trickling rainy vibrations ,
like watching fingers ran along a piano
   In the lense of an X-ray.

Goosebumps pricked and curling,
Her eyes were like self-contained half-moons upon half-moons builded on the budded rose of her lips
That split in a pink smile. The smile you have at that age, fauxly

assured and posing confidence.

Her face is ascribed to God over her mother, her father
  or me.
Her faith is beatless and with a kiss soft as a wrist-binded ribbon,

She said she stores all her faith into me.

A gusto glee that's marinated in the foggy dreams of
Too many days to count, or to care about anymore.

I loved her, and for the first time I believed someone when they said they loved me back.

I could hardly wait to sleep that night with her in my arms
for the very first time.

The truth is I love you,
I love you more than anyone else would
And I love you all the more
For loving me more than anyone else could.

Like a stem floundering through muck
Just to blossom in the sun,
I will do my everything
to make you feel at home.

When December ends and the sea
Reconnects to its frosty coat
And we stroll over pavements
Icey as opioded eyes

I will try to fix myself
Into your fantasy

For I know you could never
Be mine and I know

I have nothing left to lose

Apart from your physical presence.