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I forgive all only after I've exhausted my hate
O Lord blind me fore I meet my fate

To truly love is to fear however wrong one wishes this to be;
I'm hellbent on this purgatory
I'll starve I'll bleed I'll writhe in glossolalia
Until my tongue is either blistered or made holy

Puraxoysmshallunfellfonneshoofless raininess skelpt into glass
No more need for force
I've bared lovers whose ancestors killed my ancestors

Luck runs on nothing, fate reveals itself in hindsight
Like the robber unmasked and proving a mere jester

Greeted in return with the sweetest and most over crowded laugher

Houses are set to crumble and rise like cemented lazarus without
Anylonger baring the weight of structure

No more need, wait and see them--
The same results form patterns
That refuse to be broken--

Revelations unveil crystal-clear
Muck set running with the blood of prayer
God will give ye all but that which ye asked for.
No more abstractions.
She who is a glimpse of eternalalised image
She who gardens new faces from realised damage

She who is saviour and love and harbinger:

She diademmed my head with cool palm She rose the dead child and fortified man
She is a son of God
And spreads life with thys touch

'Worship me but hate me like a sister all the same,
Take blame
and look skyward praising as we fall
calling out in his name:

JEHOVA JEHOVA JEHOVA
we who bleed blood we are unworthy of bleeding
JEHOVA JEHOVA JEHOVA
we heretics lost and dumbfounded ever-needing
JEHOVA JEHOVA JEHOVA
our bodies of glass stained rubicund thru your shining."

She who watches over me as I am sickened and healed
She who reads Geneva scribe and
patches scabs peeled
She She She
Is sinner enlightened
She She She
Is darkness made brightened.

Lord I reach out for you with my tiny hands knowing I can never reach,
Lord I hear your whispers and wear your teachings although I cannot teach,

Lamb wash me in your blood
Strip me rain from your flood
So that I may learn to drink over drowning
And bless me with your eternal mercy crownless
And dusted like an exiled shadow
Vanquish the dead of yesterday
Reep love eternal from the sorrow
That follows them and let only love stay.

JEHOVA JEHOVA JEHOVA
I am yours alone and myselfs to save
JEHOVA JEHOVA JEHOVA
I'll sing your name from now to the grave.
Pretty life goes by--
A cord wire and silence
Between you and I

May God have mercy on our souls,
Boredom is the drug with most effect,
By the time we know we're sinners we'll both be dead.

These drugs that make you think like a different person;
Whyyyy would you ever think you were worthless?
Tomorrow's only the same if we leave it that way,
And God knows just how perfect you are to me...

Now and forever
Now and forever
Nooooww and forever
Now and forever
I swear, I swear.

(Dododoo doo dododoo do)



* farewell
I only ever recorded this  accapella sadly as I never learned any instrument and any planned band fell apart, so have this here.

Written for someone who's a stranger to me now.
Her lips drew me in like flame doth the suicidal moth.
a headboard crashing
echoing against the walls
like whips of lightn'in'.
Post credits scene
Mystic cleansing of all the overwhelming love shared misplaced and lost
All crumbling 'neath the weight of a sigh from another day spent in torpor.

My dearest Alice My sweetest Esther My babyrose Elise
My bravest Alex My strongest Elliott My diamond James
I imagine cradling you until you're out of tears to cry and walking hand in hand as you grow into your own

The day I meet you will be the day my life stops and I carve my shadow itself into a devotee who's daytoday revolves around you.
And even if we never meet I live hopeful nonetheless, you've saved me

So much already. Dearest child
Dearest love of mine
I would trade anything that ever mattered afore if only for you to dream
your first dream

In my arms.
I don't want to sleep on you again but you make me so tired
You say you want to be lovers but I feel more like your diary whenever we speak...
this prayer will not be answered in the form of an unchecked pocket,
there's a limit to how many times you can lose anyone.

And you never said sorry and if you did I wouldn't believe it,
I think forgiveness is selfish by proxy, surely you wouldn't disagree

Like Elster and her promise
I'll emerge thru hell and roam blistered from the snow
To see my true love's face once more;
I carry her face everywhere I go
I just learnt to let go of all the words spoken,
abandoned broken wing's never mend
And I can so easily pass her shoulder-bredth wordlessly and pretend she means nothing to me now but do you really expect me to pretend we were never lovers at all?

And I never got a Farewell kiss from you, I know you think I'm hurt by that fact
But little did you know I stole one instead from your cat...

Now

Go away and stay there,
I'm sorry it meant more to you than it did to me,
That's not my fault though.
1 out of a hundred (4/4)

Everybody's wondering when your new friendship's gonna end
But come on baby I'M YOUR FRIEND
Armies roam from countries without name intoxicated from hexen and strangled with furious visions they
     are fated to bring into fruition.

Diseased, deformed and locked to a sole lover
Who's kisses are like a rat's dying twitch
He must swallow each one fruitless like the only remaining food left. "I'll see your bed kept clean"
She says clutching her scarf to her throat
'I'll even leave the richest flowers at your head."
And as he let the door fall behind him atlast he finally responded to his wife of many years
"I will not return."  in a tone so unrecognisable to her it froze her cold,
You see, that was how his voice sounded when he told the truth.

And as wandered the road each step bringing him closer to joining his men
One thought rang like a bell looping throughout his head:
Love is many things, a refrigerated bigmac is not one of them.
One out of a hundred 3/4
Jan 15 · 123
Sonnet
What is it that signifies that paradise yonder
In view but always out of reach?

I've grown so spoilt from love, I fall into being a child, I need to change
I've known it for years but never had to
Until I finally saw your face
I love you like you will never know

I was so lost without you, and I can
Strife and struggle for a reason now
Because I can't wait to be your man
Walking down the aisle and waiting
However long it takes for you for I know I'll wait assured,
Knowing if I'm ever gone too long you'll make it your life mission to find me
And when I see you again it doesn't matter who falls into who's arms first
I'm never letting you go
And every day onwards
I'm going to be your man.
And you'll never have to fret

I'm going to be your man.
And you'll never have to cry

I'm going to be your man.
And you'll never have to fear

I'm going to be your man.
And you'll never have to fight

I'm going to be your man.
And I'll never be weak again

I'm going to stay your man.
1 out of a hundred 2/4
See how storms come, destroy and pass so easily forgotten
You are so strong in too many ways to count and this you know-- and above all else you must believe your unknown strengths hold so much more power,
Your cries are burying bodies although you are too broken-hearted at the time to notice;
Life's a mess of obvious' and symbols and your life holds
So much power in the form of realising what direction you choose to take,
And by now you surely know hell is not a place it's but a season

And by now your paintings have been stored aswell as burnt and you saw how little the difference left you
Besides your face being left ashy.


I never meant you any harm but you rightfully act like a tragic melodrama-maiden as you're bound to
And I leave it alone as I should
I grew tired growing up just to die
Young in battle day after day.

What caricature image must I be in your words
And look like in your head
For you to've justified every bad decision made?
I used to wonder now I see it more

As a pitty too frail so that it's put to the back of my mind, I lived with so many embodiments
    of sadness and I barely had a good placement

To even start out with, did I? Still, I'll carry a smile
As prominent as starven bones when
I hear my name called and know you're
Away from my side forever after.
1 out of a hundred 1/4

Title from trad scots ballad Young, but daily growing.
It's also a sin to go out on a diary entry trilogy don't u know.


Bitterness/Optimising
Jan 13 · 83
Addendum pt 3
(Sonder)
Blue mondays linger a few days or years

I've got too many mistakes I can't begin to undo.

I held your hand of different shades
And watched the life fade from your bones
Without a spare movement to show for it

Not even a spasm, not even sunken skin

Macaw loverboyyy, mamasboyyy
Addiction puppet-strung on a whim
  not caring which direction I was headed,

I was born to use and get used and fate is the hardest habit to break.

I wrote the lighthouse man in 20 minutes
thinking I'd be in a wheelchair by the following year
I still walk and it's still the best thing I've ever wrote, though
I stayed up for nights trying to define
  Your holy ways in words--
What weight on the shoulders is that of an overnight eyebag compared to all those days lost?
And while you and all they other muses are dead here I breathe still;

Worthy or not
It doesn't matter.

The only unconditional love I have left is from someone I refused to speak to this time last year

and it's clear that I love 'em too cause I never say that I do

But these days I prefer my own company
  
As you know

And if you've the right reason's there's nothing wrong with that, I'm sure you agree

Suicide isn't a rite of passage but self-harm in some form or another just may be

And I've tried just about every method,

I used to haunt my home, encircling my messy floor skeletal
Not wanting to make a sound as I stepped.

Anorexia nervosa-- I never dealt with it and that's how I deal with it--

Even if every bite makes me sick now

I'll think different when I starve and my head isn't full of too many thoughts to get by on autopilot,
I stay inside when I can and I stay alone and I plan on dying this way

(Blondie) (i is another)

Sunshine washes over my shoulder like rainfall
And ruins my jejune overcoat.
I've got gold on my mind and spite on my tongue for all the wrong done to me

And I believe I'll stay silent again today because I'm proud of who I was yesterday.

I wear my ancestors faces although I'll never know their names

Put cigarette emojis on my grave and those clapping hands that has been misconstrued as praying hands for so long that that is now what they are.

Give me a house as a honeybee in memphis or somewhere else I've never been
And see to it that I don't recall a thing of this lifetime of mine and all it's lazy miracles.

Weakness is a force to be reckoned with if one is strong enough to face it naked.
Anger is a constant that's too recognisable to even be worth getting into with words.
🚬🙏*

Closing thoughts with the door locked:
(You must just get to a certain age where u just start to wait to die
I've been that way since I was 14. I'm 24 now.
This is the most optimistic thing I've ever done.)
Special thnx to everyone I've ever met,elliott smith,rimbaud,germain nouvea and Bobby D. I am indeed tired of myself and all of my creations.
--
J J
Jan 13 · 66
Addendum pt 2
(One) (Ican'thelpitifyoumightthinkiamodd ifItellyouI'mlovingyounotforwhatyouare butwhatyou'renot)
O
Melissa with eyes silvery like water when it starts to steam
Mellisa with your chealseacut that locks sunlight with its evry strand
Mellissa with your mausoleum ***** that cages birds that spin young confusion round our ears

Avuncular heathen teacher cardholder
With your gnostic stepchildren that bare you in their undeveloped wombs
And the scattered mouths that trace psalms from your footprints
   in the the snow before they're stolen by ice

And your dreams you stir and share in restless sleeps wanting only to live another day

Mellisa who prims lectricity to stone
Mellisa who cries for noone less you know theyd return
Mellisa with your lips of dried budded rose
And your Gishian whispers that weave flame outlined by a gold only cateyes can display
Mellisa with your cashmere skin that warms and rewards every touch granted
And your lost lovers left behind
And your hands like gloves over arthritic fingers frozen from the freezing outside
And your nicotine stains that overlap into a bruise  thick enough to peel
and mark your worshipless shrine
And your drunken boats that sail upwards from the waves that chain them down and rip upto the endless starry skies

With your pierced tongue you scrape your teeth with as you tic and sing

You know Id ****** kingsmen just to stay on the run with you a while longer

Melissa with your cheap scarves and blurry trench that too stays motionless as you walk

Melissa with your bleeding gums that could kiss the dead awake
Melissa with your seedless grief and puffy cheeks that hover distant from the rest of your face
And your catfish bellybutton that I cant help but crush

Melissa with your empty questions that ring answers as you wish to hear them
Melissa with your guns in evry pocket and boots sheathed and stained
And your methodist lungs which bleed ash as your clear your throat
And your cloak that wears all the skinny traumas inferno held in its windows

How could I ever have misplaced you?

Whence seasons lingered til you wore the elements from their shells
And drew armature cerise from the clouds into the stitching that holds together our palms
And your bloodmoon mason jar that you swivel like wine
And your veins that guide submission into something maniclike

O
Mellisa you prove evry love before you was a lie

Mellisa with your reliance on those you take care of
And your batwing leather jeans and dogpaw fingernails
that twiddle your permed fringe
And your sallow skin slowly flaking and shedding
And your blistered heart that beats my ears like drums
And your careless screams in public vicinities that begged to have us both locked up
I would travel the world just to collapse by your legs

O
With your wooden bedbug leg lashes that clasp as they wither dust

With your monotonous lilt you speak with and laugh with

With your vitiligod birthmarks that tattoo your flesh

And your jawline that twitches as your eyes have no choice but to seal

And your ribcage that falls loose against your sheets

I would break evry bone over again and again and gather evry malady just for your cool palm over my forehead

O Melissa you never have to doubt whether Ill love another

O Melissa with your back turnt to the mirror, I'd hold you forever and a day

If you'd still like me to this time tomorrow.

(Two) (Farewell, be safe evermore.)
I woke up with my head and teeth shaking, felt like I was gonna die
'til I smoked a cigarette to start my day

Phlegm built up like charcoal bricks, hits my chest
Bittersweet like the smell of the night-before's lover on bedsheets with their side now empty.

No heating and thus my coldsore is frostbit, and the other hex's they gifted me rest 'neath tired skin
With revenge long out of reach--
Further than the distance of a hundred dreams  in fact

I'm surprised I woke up at all.

I tend to repress my dreams when I can, I'm a broken chamber rattling death so loud I'm echoed and either ignored
    Or laughed at--

o lord haven't I had enough?
o lord I can't make miracles out of tragedy, o lord I cant keep up with the pain that preludes my every step, o lord without hope, however misguided, I'd go insane and never come back  nor want to o lord take me in my sleep

O there are some secrets lord I know only you and I can keep.
Bless the griefs locked and left only to memory.

Little babe lost you're so beautiful and ugly don't ever **** yourself.
even when other's turn you away so scared for it to ever happen they'd rather not talk to you at all  
Dont you ever **** yourself. live a little as we dont have much life to live and besides, I think you're doing fine

   and I can't wait to see you doing much better,
When you get the time to get better I'll be there to help you up
And dust off your shoulders any residue from the fall...
I mean you can **** yourself if you wish  babe
But you're going to have to **** me first to get the chance

You can use me if you want to, I'm quite used to it just as I'm used to breathing in the same air as the dead
The used  and users typically have the same goal, after all
It's such a headfuck to know the one you loved never believed in you in the end
I know, I know
o but lord knows I still do and I will for as long as you're breathing
And though the clock is merciless you do not need to mirror it in a response of anger,
No' any longer than you choose to let whatever's done and gone still linger
Some will help some will crisscross
I bare nothing no more now but the best for you.
And my little babe don't you ever take your own life,
life's a gamble and some tries will come up short but I can't bare to lose you anymore than I can lose the will to breathe; please just let me listen or atleast rest by your side and no' say a word.
L O V E
One (love triangle)
I wanna be your lover,
I don't wanna be his friend.
Don't make me go home yet,
I haven't figured out what to do with myself

He's better looking but does he deform your toes?
  I doubt it,
Maybe I'm just not much fun to be around, maybe I'm a pain.
I'm my only audience as of late and
I've got codine in my liver, smoke in my nostrils and the taste of your tongue
In my mouth, still lingering...
I've got long ago broken bones that linger too and owe a debt in your name
It's so hard to leave a person behind
O but it's such a sin to stay the same age for any longer than you have to.

her teeth are pissyellow like a passive snowball
you were the gift that kept on taking
and I took every breath in strife, choking on rain to see a face that was asleep and too busy
To answer the door even though she's the one that sent me over.

Alas, I cannot leave behind
a stone that I found arest in it's place.

There is no food left, there is no money there's nothing but memories of securer times
but this you know cannot last;
vagabond in the winter with gloveless hand,
May not die but there'll be pain,
But he was headstuck and
clutching dust he swiped from the surface of pinkbricks back in summer when impersonating a banker,
no matter how hard one tries to hide anything
anyone knows the whole story at a second glance
My pharmacist asked if I was ****** again
I couldn't even answer, I couldn't even talk
It's not a burden, it's just a shame,
just want to be alone where no one reminds of my mistakes that I live with everyday--
I'm just a person I once thought myself more as a young person does,

you made me ascend for a second I couldn't believe it when I saw
   you were cutting me down--
Hang em high forty-guns
   and all of them empty
I waited awake as long as I could for her but she never came
O well
bless you even though you forgot to sneeze

And just so you know

I wasn't *******, I was pleading nicely
I just figured I was worth a few minute's attention, sorry for being wrong.

You were always wrong

You were always wrong

You were always wrong.

(Two ) (honkytonk mania blues/streetket laced with 'tism)

I drag pain behind my ev'ry step, don't you think it's a sin?
Long distance walk left my body feeling hungover
I collapsed at your door and you still won't let me in...
I sat on your stairs and raced the sunrise to get sober...
By the time I gathered my senses I'd already missed the train.
Saw you got your new love, she looks like an uglier version of your sister,
you know I'm no one to judge but *******! She looks just like your sister.
I was aimless in life once, babe, but that was back when I missed ya.

Three ( mankysam+abandoned/abused+ sadsong)
1.
I live on borrowed time
I'm inlove with Mary Hilligoss
Our eyes match in their hauntedness
But they hold lifetimes behind them neither of us could know about

I've got a best friend I like a little and love alot
She OD's on otc tablets just to pass the time
Maybe you know her but I wouldn't like to know why if you did.
When I see her heading my way in the street I nonetheless slip like Tyson on ice.
I find *** repulsive these days but my arms are always open for talking
Just so long as she gives me an hour's notice.
I was inlove with her once, I truly was,
But just because it mattered doesn't mean it should've happened,

This life will strip you to nothingness in time,
The question is a matter of whatever you wish to pose and when, who really cares for why?
An artist only stands to lose it all when they no longer believe they need a muse.

2.
Time brandishes a change too immeasurable to be expected to be noticed
Much less confronted. Broken dishes and screaming confusion across the room broken choruses reprise all too distant and muffled thankfully, just like yesterday.
I was juat a child why do I still want to say that I wasn't scared?
And now the only consistent reliance only shelter of love a door I kept shut hitherto before I couldn't breathe and thus had to let it open
I prefer to be alone more days than not truthfully I know why but I don't mind.

3.
It was new year's eve and I couldn't shake the pains
So I had to ask and wait for a reply; his yes is like gold on the ears
I've walked on blistered feet and bled before,
I've walked on broken feet just to **** their pain and it's worth choking back how ever many tears
Isn't that the way of life mankysam?
up all night just to lay head against the brick wall with my fists at my hips
I havent seen it all but I know I've seen quite enough;
Your exocidal taunt of control you hold back so clearly like you hold open a door,
Like the first time dealer to the winning stack with his head thrown back and the light overhead burning his face clear enough for a blind man to see
I'm not dumb, nor lack the will to confront, I'm just lazy.

Mankysam is the solace,
  he wears above-the-law medallions across the barrels of his motor
(
salute to bonjour and the glowing colours
  that crowded the place--walls and a floor--
To a scene. So long to it all I'm going somewhere I've never been next year and that's the end of it.
)
One day will be the last day you and me ever meet mankysam

Today is not that day but I'm gonna make what I get from us last

     atleast for aslong as I can do so

What a joy to live calm lovingly hating everyone as they pass by and feeling no guilt for doing so.

I plan on making things better but I've made no plans yet
I know well enough I'm good enough to do the best I can,
If only for you

Mankysam.

My brain has been broke or breaking for years now I think it's just time to accept the damage is never done until no more can be inflicted,

And I swear I saw getting married but I no longer see anyone now
And I know God themself is capable of crisscrossing people who get too comfortable, so I don't seem to settle in anywhere at all.
But when Sammy gives me the call saying that he's near
I get dressed sharp as a knife and smile
so tall now in the mirror, like deserted grass.
Smile and forget all my stupid little matters.
Pretentious adios? No. I'm a footprint in my garden not a footnote in anything, don't get it twisted
Jan 13 · 76
Untitled
You say you long for us but the thought itself drives you sick like the one of you yourself that
Tends to get at you most days nowadays
you want to help yourself first and foremost but you don't know how to

Talkin' bout public affection
I don't even wanna give you any behind closed doors
You think you make my life better and for that I think you're out of your mind

He met me half way and we went back to his, he wanted to **** but I just wanted to use his drugs then leave
I could use an extra enemy.

I know you'd like me to stay inside when not with you and keep my head in the same place it was when I awoke and for that I think you're out of your mind

I don't grieve when anyone walks out the door anymore and I find it laughable that I ever did or I find it funny you think you have any power at all

When I already let you go the second time we started talking; I like to be the only one who's behind me being out of my mind

I'm tired of holding out for nothing,
I'm a cat stuck inside sniffing the air from a cracked atop window and seeing his brother roam lost and wounded crying to be let inside but his owner is no longer apart of the living.
I'm a goner-to-be still breathing I cannot complain.
You're a million different people at one time, I'm surprised anyone else can keep conversation with you besides me,
then again you've got a million more faces in your backpocket to choose from

I've been breaking for so long but not yet ever broken babybee aren't you proud of me?
Words that never match the face they come from

Were you born upside down or something, honeybee?
It's so hard trying to work out your type.
I wake up sometimes thawing without your warmth but I've got the means to make a fire on my own, it is not flesh&bone it does not matter

I can't want what's left behind, there's never enough time to regret but still not a single thought inandof itself is useful,
I said I'd never leave her go and I never will,  I shall wear love's bruise and I'll be there for her waiting always
  but it's obvious here is a different story,
I'll be wavering the flag and smiling bright as any dream sun as we fall apart just as when we grew together.
She's not mine, this I know, but I can't stand to hear her cry whatever the motive
And it's so easy to be guided by a lighthouse when you don't see who's behind the light, your lights are bluer than you and how you left me, my bulb shines dull and sandy, and all you ever asked was for us to talk and for me to say nothing 'bout my self.
At first I didn't mind this but you kept on speaking

So long until you wore your voice to nothing

I loved you on Tuesday now it's Friday and I can't say the same

You've got nothing goin on, I'm the same but if we got together

You'd drag us both down,

This I know,

And I've risen too many times to even risk drowning again

   These days and I think I'll stay this way evermore and I don't blame you,
in-fact, I can only blame who's still here
I learn nothing otherwise
I learn so much about myself
From who I long for in my sleep and who I'm glad to forget as I adjust to waking up

and when she wanders my way

I'll be destined to ignore her

And settle for you yet again.
The sun's still out my head's in the heels of my shoes
I'm surprised I can even dress myself

And though I stand here lonesome
I lift my eyes from the ground
upto those birds that spiral novel uncharted shapes in the blank sky.

Me I'm still bleeding I just don't get to bleed on you now
How lucky for us both
To look back and forgive and forget as we please  and bless sweet nothings in and out of nothingness and choose whether we could or couldn't care less
Nicotine laced condensation scratches the window too blurry to see anything but my face
Though I only see it from the outside when looking back
Jester-like like the black cat's white-outlined grin
before crying to be let in and out of the rooms as he pleases
I know you spend as you get but can't you account for anything at all?

     I'm nibbling my wrists those birds are all I've got to lick the wounds
And I can only care for them so long as they still want me to look at them

And you
You sit with so much on your mind have you really just nothing to say?

I've met you several times but we only spoke that one time, didn't we?

You just took a couple draws of my cigarette and we were both happy enough to leave it at that

If I saw you in the street I may assume the identity of my doppelganger
  I'd still like to call her over to mine someday if I were able to but that's not something I dwell on
You're just the reason I'm starving I wouldn't pay me no mind in your spot either
Sweet-thing

You aren't worthy of another promise I would've been happy if I could've only atleast had them left to keep
I'd rather crash literal breakneck speed before speaking to you again and you know that by now, don't you?

Fog falls light from small mountains it looks faint but it imposes it's presence to-be
threatening to cover our faces heavy enough to stain our clothes

It beckons those pretty birds to be among the first to rise and
be engulfed

I'm stuck to the ground sweetthing with my eyes falling back down,
My feet are heavy as stone but I can't afford to get tired waking up so late into the day.
(Circa 1926 or something)
1.
My love She wears a rimbaud collar
A loose ribbon just like her brain

I knew I'd never seen a prettier sight
In my life.

But I closed my blinds 'fore I could see
Which direction she was walking;

I could use the company
But I'd be bound to fall in love again.
2.
Everyone said they're here to help
But they've all disappeared,

Now Kensita's the only club I rep.
Good times but they're all *******
In hindsight I guess
O well I hope you never forget me.

Nurofen + just to ease the aches
Another day or maybe two

I know we were born strangers to the other

And I know I'll never see my mother again

It's sad to think about so I try not to think at all

But I'm sick of this being my version of sober

It's a diy lobotomy but a hammer'd be cheaper.
3.
No need to cry another tear

My love She forced me cold

So that I know she'll never want to visit me again.

I'm alone again

And it feels like heaven

I'm not afraid to die

Nor afraid of tomorrow

Cause my love left me worthless

And though developmentally-stunted

I know I did not deserve it

But my love She's free to rot out of the corner

Of my eyes and I swear once they were only
For Her
But now
I see their true beauty.
4.
I say I'm better but I know I'm just
Keeping Me temporarily happy,
So they've prolonged my stay another while.

I'm bloodless still and bent out of shape

But what a humble miracle for an outcome:

My love held me til death did us part
And I know I'm lucky
To still be breathing at all. My love, oh, she's finally gone

And at last I'm finally thankful

My love won't drag me down no more.
: )
I

Please, pretty pastoral blue
with the force of a stem through muck
tangled up with the rose's hue
lift me up and lift me higher
drag me throughout the earth,

i can taste the dirt in your fingernails and it tastes beautiful...
so beautiful, for it belongs to you
and you don't belong to words or images or interpretation
you are you and you are my saviour in every way as I'm yours

so Please, take me apart
and take me away
i am not this poem nor this painting
i am not an art as i would like to be
and neither are you, but together we conjoin to form an embryo of melody

like bubble's dispersing their seeds to the sea
at the fastest hardest softest gentlest stupidest cheekiest sexiest pleasantest frame viewable
as well as the sparks out of frame.

If I die only to be reborn I know you'll be with me

like a thorn in my heart waiting for its day to be found,
snagged, ripped and knitted into a cardigan to keep me warm apparently forever

only to be slipped and slid until wrangling unbound;
you are a metaphor too cheesy to put into words—
so **** sounding forced I'll just say i love you
i love you
i love you
i love you

i love you so much it hurts to straddle this trapeze rope weaved in leather tobacco smoke
That holds ongoing lies aswell the truth that would break you and i know you've your own trade's –i wasnt born yestardy–
(although at times when i wake up it can feel that way)
Yet i use that as a sort of faux sawdust justification; the truth is that I’m too weak to face my weakened state
and confront it head on, until today... so please please listen when i say that
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love
You.

II

I played too much music too loud and now I'm sound-numb
sounds dumb, dont it? did you expect me to be handling
the transition well? Whole family is dying and I just want to be wanted
And my thoughts can feel like such a burden
So please, tie no jealousy to my concerns
cause if your mind was like mine half the time you'd know
not to even ask,

and you dont,

most of the time,

yes, she is the emerald rowed a million lifetimes or more
caught in its blink-length transition to gold...
too beautiful for words or colours to even briskly define
and I am yours and in my fantasy of you you are mine,
two wisping spirits whispering esoteric bitemarks in the dark!
hear that thunder? that's my heart.
hear that struggle, that's my breath.
think its going strong? that's the cocktease surge before my death
and my death is so holy to me as yours is to you and hers to ours

I spent the day binding the clockarms over wrinked beige
every day feels  the same

although i do try so hard to be your star
i spent the day tracing papertrails trying to make the lexicon fit our names
but its as good to me as sanskrit, as the dirt is to the seas that birthed it
and womb it still.
You sleep at my side and transition your nightmares into mine
one quiver at a time,
hold me close, this preaged preworn deformed flesh of mine is not my skin,
hold me closer, feel my skin become yours as fingertips scape out a chin
and a neck, curling trickling like tiny raindrops downeth
to the place once signified and defined as ***** sin
not the art nor stretch-marked temple it is

Blossoming blossoming blossoming in chaotic collision and marking love

Beyond a touch or a name or a place

And yes, i still feel her
Calloused and pliable as playdough

Rubbing palms and clasping
Together into a cocoon
To awaken tomorrow as a whole new entity.
I feel more whole for my confessions although
You hate me for it,
I feel more myself for my confessions
And I’ve never felt so lovingly distant...

Being optimistic, I just say 'who knows what tomorrow will bring'

And strum this whisper into your snoring song.

So please,
Be here tomorrow.
Written Dec 2019
Ambitious lil boi
it was fragile but not soft
fuzzy rather than pliable;
obsequeous and glistening
tethering to my fingertip

rising in a lucid blue, corroding

My hand possessed. Concussed. Trembling.

As real as any feeling of not knowing what
could come next...

I could've sworn I felt perfection
singing in my veins. With the lilt
of drunken Angel's recorded in secret.

The uncomfortable burn as life seemed
to transition; ringing my head as phonetic cells
Unstictched, disembodied and melting

through me like the boiling leathe forever
ushered in cold August rays; ringing my head

in the form of my best reflection. My best moments

Disattached from the days lived and the days
no longer able to be touched.

I could've sworn I stared at perfection
hovering empty in the air and waiting for me to finally do something.

Outstretching it's nothernlights nails and clawing into my neck,

Covering the scars on my wrists and tracing the stretchmarks

that substituted them in time. Congratulating me in a way words

Never could.

You are at last grown and have no where to go; try to focus on being.

I could've sworn this was the moment when

I woke up.
2020
Joshua Jackson Dec 2023
You're my best friend I love you so so much
No matter the distance time marks, your touch
Will always feel like home,
How I live I'm better alone
But you refuse to let me go.
I'm taking you wherever I go.

Eyes like icy-blue lilac that blankly stare,
Arms that hold and wash over my heart
With nothing but care.

Zozo yellowtoothed angel, butterfly that's body floats
Detached from the purple wings that weigh them down,
Echos memories of
Sugary laughter that resembles celebratory shouting

You're the only one that's never doubted me

When I hear my name in your voice I know you love me
I only live to call on yours my little babylove, can't you see?

Without you it's like I'm down with fever,
You're my devine campfire in heartless snow
I wish I could hold you for as close to forever
As mortal time will allow.

You saved my life and you broke my heart
We're like two circuits that never get to start
I only dream of you whenever I'm lonely.

You're the only company I can stand anymore.


If I could spend eternity with you
-even if I hated you on the second day-
I would stay by your side every second.
I hate being held by anyone bar you--
My campfire in the merciless wilderness;
Sometimes I'm so happy in your presence
I feel drunk. Your light shines so bright, babe
I swear sometimes I'd rather talk to you than talk to God,
I don't dance with anyone else, I can't rest easy besides anyone else.
I would give my all just to rest at your feet
-I do not worship you, I'm not obsessed that way
        anymore
Just as you arent-
Justifiably so
Yet I love you so much more than I ever have before.

You're the only love I have left anymore.

Too naive to look after ourselves
Too loving to let our hearts go to waste,
Zozo yellowtoothed angel,
butterfly that's body floats distant
From purple wings that bare scars
From stitchless wounds...

Too much time together love's bound to die just as it's bound to grow.
You do what you can to get by and never let your weakness show.
But when you're nearby nothing else has to matter anymore.
Babylove you're my other half and I'm never going to let you go.
Closing thoughts: it has been rad.

For Z. I end my poetry journey for someone who's been with me thru our ups and downs both together and individually,you're the best muse I've ever had & we will stay a team until one of us croaks **
Joshua Jackson Dec 2023
I never liked kissing her
Until I kissed him and
His breath tasted like hers.

I 'spose it's the culmination
Of decay, plaque, cigarettes
And a mouth that's gone
Without brushing since
Who even knows when.

Such a joy to learn to love
The ugly after it reveals you
Too are ugly, ****** breath
Tasted just like fermented
Roses. Lips folding over another
My tongue begrudgingly knotted
'Til realising this was the moment
I lived, the kiss we both initiated

But ******* I didn't want to miss her
On that particular day.

Ofcourse I never mentioned anything
To either of them.
Joshua Jackson Dec 2023
I can't say my r's yes I know
It's aww so cute
If you want to stick out
Maybe you should tell me
I've got an ugly smile

But then

You would

Be lying. And you know
How I feel about liars...
Honey y r u so hard
Dec 2023 · 197
ST VINCENT ST.
Joshua Jackson Dec 2023
Hard times are nothing to brag about
Thirteen years old
Kitchen knife sellotaped to torso
I reminisce on that being the worst of it

Soon it'll be a whole year since you left
   well I guess I left but really what choice did I have
Some nights I'm sleepless I no longer miss u I'm just still burnt over what u did
I'm ok I breathe,I smell blood and my heart beats in my chest

Victim complex no longer my priority
I believe its better I believe this is how we get happier
I've said goodbye so many times and surely I'll say it so many more
Goodbye my love, goodbye
But truthfully, now I am bored

Why romanticise a mess when there's no longer any need to adress it?

Late april
I was going to do a redraft of my suicide note
But truthfully, my handwriting is too messy
I think the action says enough.
But truthfully, I've got cats u gave me I can't leave.

Thank you,
     I felt stupid for being sad and missing you all last month
But I don't anymore,
  thoughts swirl,moods crash and people collide or grow cold and standoffish
When too familiar.

Dumb ***** chipped teeth lies lies pleading i need you please don't cry i want us to last like our words promised
But like-- we were kids and like-- I've already
      went over all this in my head;
Again and Again;
I swear I force myself sad sometimes just to feel something.
It's all finished and all so boring now
You both look cute
Your aimed posts are cringe-inducing but I don't think either of us have ever been thought to be stable
     beforehand.
I'm happy for you I hope you are happier but hopes only come true with care and care comes from home
You were home once
And I've had to leave so many homes in the last few years
    yet with my heart beating in my chest I will never be homeless again.
I do not care anymore.
What my life amounts to--
I do not care anymore.
What I'll do tomorrow--
I do not care anymore.
I should not sleep I have things to do--
I do not care anymore.
Whatever we didn't say made up what we did--
I do not care anymore.
Possession is my favourite film of all time. Asta luego
Joshua Jackson Dec 2023
x-ray room sensory overload
scan the trouble in the hope that it goes
but it never ever does

I read your faux-punk movements
easily as I read the mirror's expressions
I'm sick of your questions

I thought I answered all I had to when I said I wished we'd met when we were both younger and naiver to the way of the world and it's tiny inhabitants that want to prove themselves all too brave; I'm as shameless as a dying something--anything.

I say too much to anyone but it doesn't bother me anymore cause I don't see the sense in staying any longer than I have to.
Joshua Jackson Nov 2023
Outside
Rusted swing.chain squeeks and hurls
A moment so strong it stains the world around it,
Memories vivid enough to rub off like ***** feet on carpet;
   thus ghosts are born.
Momentarily bleeding--
You were supposed to look after me...
I don't know why I replay
Those times, it's as good as picking a scab endlessly. You begged me
Not to leave you,it'd break your heart
Then broke mine until I had to leave.

That heart is on the floor,spat on
Stepped on
You are she now and she is gone --
She will come and soon after
Carries on with the same face
The exact expression
Undetectable like black *******...

(Rotten thief with your heart as black
As the the moldy growth 'tween your upper
Buck teeth...)

I'm an aching orb roaming and going home to nothing.
I only live to feel ill
I only live to feel ill now.
I only

Wish you could tell me from your perspective
When did I stop being  your babe?
But I know like most it's a pointless question
You've lied your whole life

And still- -that last time with you
I couldn't stay angry seeing your face
Almost a year on, that comfort can't be replaced

Two of us walking over frosted grass and pavements icy as the irises of opioded eyes;
hand in hand-- keep me warm until we are home together.
Walking miles alone to your's on sprained ankles
Pretending I was coming back to our unborn child.
I don't even care, I'm over it
I hope you're happy
And your life is better without me in it
Cause mine is,
*****.
Incomplete as all is until the unhappy ending we're all heading to.
I am sore everyday and it's on me to care and I don't want to care.
Joshua Jackson Nov 2023
Another delay, another day wasted and no permission needed
My fingers bent out of shape everything aching and I look to my side:
I see grass frosted. My feet slap forward

Over pavement icy as the irises
Of opioded eyes.


Greenishgoldyblueishblonde.

She will come and she will linger
Sorer than a bruise.

I felt so ugly and lost for more than
Half of my life

And like a pale saviour:

Her eyes struck my chest like a match first time we met.

There was much between those years I couldn't let go of.


I used to walk home on two sprained ankles thinking of our unborn child; pain is where we grow.

I got home aching,limping and no one's here to look after me until I'm better; I can't do it for me.

Where are you?


A month after everything ended I screamed your name and got no response

Where are you?!

You're gone.

For good.

Yes.

And it's not even deep into winter and everything just gets worse by the day.

Yes.

This is the freedom I wanted.


She was there long before you but she wasn't you.
She had an accent just like you but she wasn't you.
We spoke and laughed for hours but he wasn't you.
She kisses better than you but she's nothing like you.

I wanted to become you.
I wanted us to meld
And never split like
We promised when we
Were younger; I became
Yours when we were kids
And we were untrusting strangers
That last year or two

Yet the comfort never left

Until it was time to leave

And I think we both outstayed

Our welcomes. I'll never stop

Being in love with you. Too late.

I no longer hate you, I see that we had two different paths and ways of getting to the inevitable
The memories meant so much but what can memories do for you?
You were just an opportunist and I refused to see the worse in you.
I needed you and you knew that.
I miss you like a kid
I now embody every bad habit
I tried to change in you,
Now you are a comfort forever
Out of bounds but I don't mind--
Just get over it.
I hope you're happy.

Pass through faux company

For something to do

Passing the time,I'd prefer

My own place while I wait

'Til the fix is in, then I can dance

A shuffle step or two in my room--

But I trick myself into thinking

The need for fresh air outweighs
The freezing cold, but it doesn't.

That listening is worth it if you get
The chance to speak; but it isn't.

I'll decide if I'm ruined another time
For now I think it's just better if I am
Left alone.
Tiktok fried ur brain and the drugs didn't help
I never stopped loving u i just stopped hating myself.
Withdrawaling in winter is no fun. I'm in pain constantly and have no one and this is the only state I can rely on moving forward. I hope ur satisfied in a life without me. Lost til death do I part.
Aug 2023 · 319
Stay
Joshua Jackson Aug 2023
eyeball rippening

      birthed

Through centre of flower.

Be my love,Lover

 cumshawed with horror of flames

eyes show a fear too great to tame

Let me be your aegis

 

i'll sow a hundred ideal

hearts for you,

deform my brain

      just to

Get closer to you,my

 

Sweet,sweet heart

 

i'd study you with the starriest stare’s

   always so

                caught up in a surprise;

We could go on

                           Living how you

                                                Live now

 

hearing the metropolis moving in polyrythm

  Outside your window,

 

 my ear closely tied,

listening,by your brazen chest
2019
Joshua Jackson Aug 2023
Eyes fall back
  Upward, cardiac spasm
While their jaws clench

To sketch a parodic caricature of a kiss

Breathe in -- breathe out

2's til the last draw,
Inhaling tattooed
Namesake to add
A bit of taste;

As if you were unaware
Of my fate before
We got acquainted, know 1
Thing and that's that

U know nothing til ur
Too deep into the situation
To claw yourself back out
Regardless- best act like

U want this to maintain
The feeling of being wanted-

Cherish every second
And perish the thought of
Anything better
    
                      coming along

Ur on ur own but u knew that
already anyway--
Can't smoke a pall mall to it's label so you know times were rough
Joshua Jackson Aug 2023
Eyes roam the room
Clockspun, mapless
Treasures found in
The things left behind

It is not her fault that you miss her

There are no borders without reason

And the reasons are not one way nor simple.

When she was gone it was like experiencing the worst grief
All over again and it took
So long to settle in that it was over.

Shedding skin, depersonalization
Winter cried it's last breath to a
Window I shut closed.

Times up,you're alone
Again but what's the difference
And so I guess what's the problem

It's nothing new
Bleddry-empty
No more hate left
Alone and stranded

(I was

Now I am

So far passed

That stage I start

To find it funny)

Today is the horizon tomorrow and whatever before is all illusionary.

No gun in my hand no knife in my hand no food in my hand no money in my hand no ***** no **** no smoke no blow

Two cats on each shoulder one angel one devil but they both switch roles too frequently to catch up it's all good though

It's me who's decision maker in the end
And it's never been any different
I live with my regrets nightly til I learn
From them I just hope you're the same
But I'm done thinking we're the same
It was truly a waste of time
We've never been calibrated.

Catch me in the next life I'll hold the door open for you.
Shoutout E,E,Z,R and J in that order
Joshua Jackson Aug 2023
orgiastic blurring within breadth of tiny movements
(Angelic cheekbones that cut thru the dark) miracles come untangled  --presented follower--
i lay with ur head on my chest awaiting the command of ur words
  u will never know me i'll never let u know me
i loved u far too early  too early to tell but i know the feeling well
i never wanted to say it leaving u the first time
but i knew it was true
made it to my train in a hurry
i'd've looked anyone in the eye bar u
head still pointed high
Rattling in my chair homeward-bound with a smile

i'm not ashamed i was never ashamed maybe nervous maybe ashamed later on for giving it another chance then another chance but i knew the outcome before going back
O but that's another story another time

  i held ur hand in ur street
i held ur hand in my city
and nothing else belonged  
but us
two kisses
two drinks between us yet sooo drunk
  but we just never seemed to last for one thing or another
i don't do relationships i just get ****** over and i'm used  to it
  by now i'm long used to it,

i've got blisters where your fingerprints once rested  
but they're gone now along with you
O boy i'm so blue

bohhhii am so bluuuuuu

  text me so i don't have to text u again

boy ur so conceited boy ur so soft
boy i saved u some trouble i'm not open to no one
i should've told u one heartbreak was enough  
but boy i'm glad i didn't
  i got what i wanted guess i'm selfish like ur selfish
and we'll never be friends
  u were never my friend

   in our silence i can be everything u wanted me to be
  and just keep to myself and stay unphased

ur on my mind everyday
if we were on speaking terms maybe i'd say
But i can never stay straight and u never have a good enough reason to stay.
so funny how things play out.
Thank **** the love was never mutual
Thank **** we can leave it at memories
You meant more than I could ever say...

love u now then and forever always

sometimes i wish i never saw ur face

making promises just to pass the time

We both know We'll never be together **
Comme des garçon
Jan 2022 · 929
Felix
Joshua Jackson Jan 2022
Legs astretched like venomous broomsticks
Fangs drooped lazily like a calm nosferatu,
Those eyes gold as sun on styx, treasures
  that spun flame between his every blink--
Sandpaper tongue dragged over black hair
Nibbling his own wrist momentarily, then
Locking sleepy eyes on you, ascending fleece--
Retractable moonbeams flex teasing attack
   then kneads, falling like a lullaby back into
       uncapturable dreams; purring in the spirit of poe.
Aug 2021 · 740
Haiku: machinery
Joshua Jackson Aug 2021
Our first kiss, lips pressed--
Electricity to stone--
A new age to bloom.
Oct 2020 · 2.5k
Go0dbye
Joshua Jackson Oct 2020
Sailing soft, frozen in time--
Sat on your chair where I could've sworn
I saw a past life regression flash along

Your face. Stuck there now,
I'm alone now and forever forth.
For years I stored half my cash into a box
without second thought
just to end up spending it all in six months.

that last crash erased all the academic pablum
that proved less required reading
  more distraction.

Just a border now,
head against an extending wall,
Witless and stonecold sober;

At ease with every unanswered craving
And coexisting with a life where nothing goes
   according to plan.
Trapezing the edge of a rolling dice waiting to be flattened. I'm properly done writing poetry,no more energy or will. Wish you all luck over the coming years, whether you're in a good spot or your lowest lows
Oct 2020 · 444
**One with the plane**
Joshua Jackson Oct 2020
Mothlet-like owl midges fizzling in and out of the waves
   that shuffle the moon's shed reflection,
hovering and imitating like a wettened rorschach--

with disembodied tiny teeth for feet
suckling from the scurvy gums
where shadows are allowed to be kings.

Kings that observe a godess body that spans the whole sky with ******* made of crinkled ash dripping latex that falls
then cuts into the grass to
                                        spread life--perfection spares no time for the impatient.

Glistening stream,mucky dewlap of the mountain carving a caricature of someone  praying for rain and dreaming of a metamorphoses into ice.

With the night comes tide. Comes time. Comes death. Comes life.

If you were to sit down in one spot
anywhere in the world and not move
for another second of your life

from there on in--
you would see so much beauty and pain
You'd wonder what you ever did to be

as lucky as you had been.
Joshua Jackson Oct 2020
as drunk and free as an uncontacted species

glass stained with vitriol;
empty, limp
and forever there to haunt.

Things will never be the same. So easy to say.

an unescapble realisation
that pierces sharp as a tribal spear
formed out of an ivy husk

nipping my body
like snow on a freshly reopened wound
i am bled dry

i am stranded with only self as harbour to delay

This unavoidable crash. The breeze's have teeth

that rip my skin to shreds just to zip it up again.

the faces that make up the windows
are cutouts of people you once knew...

My guide framed in stone embedded in gold --
truncated before hope had it's chance to settle

I'm torn between the mirror and the leap.
Oct 2020 · 396
A poem about flowers
Joshua Jackson Oct 2020
Flowers are the earth's fruit
    Which await the sun's permission
         To beautify and ripen

And at night may serve
   As guiding lanterns floating atop
          Their mother thorns

To gently lead the moon oceanward.
Joshua Jackson Aug 2020
I despise August.
It is crueler than 6 aprils combined

No one's there for me they just feel like they owe me

I held her in my arms just weeks ago how the **** is she gone
I listened to her voice like it was yesterday
And now that's all we have left of her.

The whole world is sick. It's like inhabiting a hospice cosntantly

I'm so tired of this life
Joshua Jackson Aug 2020
Take care and be careful
riot vans flooding the streets
Live in the moment- be cheerful
While you still can

Eyes glued to the future and scanning,
Never expect things to go to plan;
But the solution is simple and like you
I can seal it with my hands
But I'd rather live my life eyes shut

A widely opened book
With the footprints on my skin to show for it
**** pouring it up, I'm engulfed in it
And threading delicate alibis out of my lonliness

Parading through the chaotic hangover with the ambition

Of a tectonic force.
Jul 2020 · 369
Five second rule
Joshua Jackson Jul 2020
Lift the crumb-sized bit to your lips,
Hesitate until it's too late for hesitation,

Fold to tongue and absorb those tasty, harmless
Spider footprints and germatic warzones.
I thought I'd already posted this.
Jul 2020 · 338
Touched in the darkness
Joshua Jackson Jul 2020
The tremble of her skin...
Like rain tapping off of
    a jigsaw puzzle formed in glass.
Among my last poems,I'll try to make my final count. Hope u are all well.
Joshua Jackson Jul 2020
He plays himself

With a mask like soaked clay

And faux tears on-command,

All you can do to cope with the hindsight

Is to say you were brave for sticking with it

When you weren't brave enough for the alternative,

Voice like a whisky-croak and words that

Ring of sweet nothings but really mean nothing at all.

Blood on the carpet. Never coming off

And never failing to remind you of what you did and didn't

do wrong.

You figured you'd make boredom into something

Less important but the meaning of any philosophy

Is dependant on the day and the weight of the past it carries--

**** it

Bassline stranded on the boderline, that is to say

Stuck and unfixable. That's part of growing, right?

Dealing with it and moving on, forming a character

From a tortuous pantomine; doing the impossible in

Ameliorating light strictly with the tools given to you

by the dark room you were raised in. Rise or sink.

It was out of your hands, your actions moving forward

Is all that has to matter now.

Just hold on until tomorrow.
Joshua Jackson Jul 2020
Fortonuate palms skim the dogeared surface
Of the snakes and ladders without clear direction--

Hot tea and foggy glasses. Familiar lips
That look as young as ever when they smile.

Sun melting in the clouds like mollases
While the breeze lifts and plays with

Our clothes.

Hollow words served as concierge
For this used up body-- orbs and a silhouette,

That's all you get as it's all I was perceived as

And all I've left to give.

But here I don't have any will to offer.

I've gave you everything and how peaceful

It is to be contempt replaying another day.
(2024 footnote this is the best thing I've ever wrote. From the first lockdown, a man in love and stuck with said love is a questioning cold hearted one and lo! this is a place and time captured)
Joshua Jackson Jul 2020
Halt the advice throw away your opinion
Your lips are rug burnt from all that dragging on
You're doing  nothing is ever
going to get better unless I let it
and that's my path I've got to carve on my own
I've been grown for forever (a term I've already wrote
but now it fits better)  picking apart my reflection
just so I could note the differences between us Both.

The waves of the uncrushable ocean sweeps the sky
like a supernatural flower blossoming beneath a frozen lake
and I extinguish my spliff  happy with where I'm at.
I am finished speaking  I have alot of changes to make.
Jun 2020 · 257
A whiff of dust to come
Joshua Jackson Jun 2020
No accent better than broken-english
The country's a **** hole now though.

Hallelujah's dwindle the arcades like pendulous chasms

Chasing down the shadows only to end up with their tails

In their throats.


The silence was eerie. I was asleep half the day because

There was nothing to do when up

And far less to do when I was down

But I guess I'm just more use to the feeling of a sunken ship.

The bells and sirens are screaming now though;

The worst part is that no matter how much I improve myself

The biggest issues are circumstantial.

Devil watching the TV and grinning as if he'd snatched the souls
To mansons; I was too hung up on the risk to ever take chances

But I've grew sick of romantascing my struggles

Swear to God I've been dragging the same cold winter on my back

From like five years ago and I've just been letting it stack while I
Selectively snip the worst of it following one too many mistakes...

I've grown truly wise in a sense that I no longer rely on hope,

Been broken in the same way too many times to react the same as I had been.

We're all destined for the ground so I am going to stand mine while I still can.
Joshua Jackson Jun 2020
I left some dead fruit
  By the window ledge
In the hopes fruitflies
Would sprout and break free

  their torrid wings from the grapevine roots.

Instead, all I got was a smelly room

And grapes that hissed dissapointedly
As they crackled inward in the background
(rotting flesh now too heavy
to carry on stiffupperlipped).

How sunny it is outside. How much

  Sunnier the weatherman says it'll be
tomorrow. Atleast, I think with my last thought
Of the day,

Atleast I'll remember to get fresh fruit tomorrow.
Jun 2020 · 318
The lady inside the glass
Joshua Jackson Jun 2020
Comatosed with open gaze insinuating
Morphine daydreams,
With bristling hairs along arms
Before she had the chance to shave
and the folicles deactivated;
It is her womb she has devoted
For the public eye;
How it slowly rots, from incarnadine
-as the historical pictures aside her show-
To it's current viridian swelter;
Like an ugly robust bruise too tough to die.

Rupturing outward a torridness
Of legs and crooked fingers stuck to half-grip,
Scanning southly one notes globules of goosebumps
Haunting up her thighs,
Pricking cloudward and shivering implying that,atleast,
For a second whilst living she was aware of this—
Her impending fate.

Red,red,red lips
bud close to form a cute,poppish image,
Honouring those photographers who come and go—
Her tiny hands are posited to corner her tiny *******
As not to stir any further controversy.
The lady in the jar awaits the usuals,while blind
to her own doing so,

Mind overrun and on display like a faulty calculator
Via that dull, happy, gaze.

She smells up the room of exquisite perfume and
Quixotic trees and fields and roads and too much more to mention...

The fee these stranger's would scavage from their pockets
Just to be awarded a chance to touch
The fair lady’s skin and determine a better verdict
As to whether or not she meant all that much to the world
at all.
Jun 2020 · 228
The secret to a happy life:
May 2020 · 208
Untitled
Joshua Jackson May 2020
If she's easy  just like

     How she was easy

     Then what does that make you?
Apr 2020 · 83
Things to look forward to
Joshua Jackson Apr 2020
Japanese frothy ice coffee in the summer
Watching the world continue to burn
As the spaces 'tween the paper disinter
and I continue to reap the ideals i sowed

Growing cold to the bones, lungs ache
As my lips wisp a chilly whisper thin as
Phone wire and defeated but riding still tall
Came way too far to give out like cheap cigars

I had to pretend to be so many different people
To realise why and where exactly i didn't fit in;

Optimism keeps me through til the night,
When morning spreads my chest it slits my heart like a knife
But in my soul I can feel the guiding gaze
Of my grandmother, her memories embedded to remind me of

A constant reason to always want to stay alive.

I've got limited time and truthfully I fear I'll never live it
The way i should be,

But by the end of this season I will wear the welts of
My lessons, I will try better to be

Who I should be
Mar 2020 · 177
What the hell have i done
Joshua Jackson Mar 2020
I misplaced a tear drop
                                   into a jar full of collected rain.
  
Cloudy thoughts sway me forward to face the day
   ahead
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