I don't want to feel better.
If I could feel better then life would be beautiful.
But I don't deserve beauty,
Or love,
Or glory.
I lost the love of my father,
Watching it crumble away into nothingness,
And pleading "please don't go."

I'd give anything to miss you one last time.
If I could miss you then existing would be painless.
But I deserve pain,
And hate,
And suffering.
I lost the love of my mother,
Watching it melt between my frail fingers,
And screaming "please don't leave."

I don't want to feel better.
If I could feel better then life would have no meaning.
I don't deserve meaning,
Or words,
Or tears.
I lost the love of myself,
Watching it shatter into a million pieces,
And whispering "please, just go."

Dark circles
And white lies,
Everything that I've learned
To despise,
I can't take this thinking
I can't take this feeling
The oxygen I'm breathing
Is Nitrogen that's preening.

I'm suffocating.

Being subjugated.

Blank slate with no opinion,

That's what they're asking of me.
That's what they're expecting of me.
That's what they want me to be.

But I am unfiltered,
I am a storm,
A flurry of emotions,
And an object of scorn.
I'll make you love,
And I'll make you regret,
I'll make you remember,
But never forget.

You can't leave me behind,
I am a memory,
I'm worth more than a day,
I'm worth more than a century.
Break me,
Shatter me,
Try to burn me down.
I'll be your darkness,
But I won't make you frown.

And you can't be rid of me,
Though I've already left,
For I am unfiltered,
With no regrets.

Lollipop girl
Simple, little, sugar cane doll
No one could say you did wrong
But in the bonds of your heart
You know that sugar molds.

Criminal
O Criminal
This deceit you leak reeks
Of sour lemons and urination.

Criminal
O Criminal
This pride you flood smells
Of blueberries and broken dreams

Criminal
O Criminal
These miracles you bring leave a miasma
Of grape Faygo and suffering souls

Criminal
O Criminal
The peace I bring leaves an aroma
Of blue raspberry popsicles and lonely depression

I am lucky
I am lucky that I am
I am lucky that I am living
I am lucky that I am living in the state
I am lucky that I am living in the state of being
I am lucky that I am living in the state of being in which
I am lucky that I am living in the state of being in which life
I am lucky that I am living in the state of being in which life gave me.
I am lucky that I get to have the items I have
I am lucky that I get to meet the people I meet
I am lucky that I get to see the things I see

But I am unlucky to get to see how my privileges corrupt people.
Make them turn my lucky life into hell.

The ****
The ******
The theft
The battery
The harassment

I am lucky that humans abuse their privileges...

The glasses in my room accumulate,
Unlike my self-worth.
Is this just a game to you?
I've loved you since the first
Second,
Minute,
Hour,
Day,
My misery was gone,
You made it go away.
But you rub this wound harsher
than anyone has rubbed one before.
And I know you know I'm hurt,
but you just treat me like a *****,

I'm hurting and I know you know!
You've made it abundantly clear.
You've talked about it.
It's practically written on the mirror,
My eyes,
My brain,
My skin,
My heart,
But you still rub it in and it's breaking me apart.

Wickedness in our bones.
It is to what humans are prone.
Sin in our demeanor
Is a much over looked horror.
Children riding bikes with no handle bars,
To show off to the the world that they are on par.
People eating food for sport,
While people starve, just to throw it up afterwards for fan support.
This is my last resort for salvation,
Solitude and sanitation.
I wish that someone would tell me I'm fine,
But nothing is left that can truly shine.
This is the madness,
The anger and sadness.
That has made blackness in our spoiled hearts.
The words "Till death do us part."
Do not even mean anything anymore.
This world is so sore..

The chatter makes me think, think
Think, think of the brink,
Of extinction,
Of my pain,
And our scars,
The world is pressing too far,
Hurting,
Discovering,
Totally uncovering,
The weaknesses of people who can't take care of themselves.
Those people who are crying out for help.
The kid hit by his momma,
The girl depressed from drama,
The kid starving in Africa,
The teen trafficked from Albania.
This world is cruel,
Totally uncool.
People think it's minuscule,
These real problems that people face,
Every god ****** ******* day.
White privilege is a real thing,
And sexism is an issue,
Homosexuality is not a miscue,
And the only person who can make change,
Is
You

Good cop
Bad cop

Life in prison
Death sentence

Cigarettes
****

Meat
Vegetables

School System
Self study

You said it's going to be awhile, but you know something will happen,
You stupid little boy.
I don't want a relationship, not because I want to wait for you,
But, it's because I prefer my whiskey and kids' toys.

You obviously know your relationship won't last, though.
That's pretty sad, knowing you'll come back to me.
You're pretty pitiful,
But, I don't give you up because you're like a true lover and family.

It's going to be awhile, is that what you said?
That must mean your love for her is already dead,
If you're dating her, knowing you two will come to an unfortunate end.
But, I don't care because I have my whiskey and toys,

You know that it isn't going to last,
And you say it like you'll be coming back to me. That's pretty stupid,
Practically infidelity,
But, in a more heart wrenching package for that pitiful unloved soul, that you call your girlfriend.

But, you see, I won't be waiting for you,
Because I'm married to my whiskey.

They're yelling.
What were assumed to just be slight whispers and minor auditory hallucinations are pieces of fuckery reminding me just how worthless I have become.
I depended on another person to keep me whole, but when they left what did I have?
It was foolish to even think... so many times this cycle has repeated.
I build them up, they fall in love with someone else, they break me down to be with another, and then they come back once that person has broken them.
I don't know if they're coming back this time, because this time around I was trying to fight for what was mine.
They were mine..
And now they belong in the hands of another.
Another reckless person who has hurt them time again, but I wasn't worth it.
The rebound is never worth it.
Always worthless..

When embers drop onto our faces,
I won't be the first to scream from agony,
I'll be the first to shriek from exuberance.
The first to tell the world that there had be a service done!
With all of the misery in the world,
We were finally let free.
The seemingly stupid kids who apparently look for attention, the soldiers who had fought just to come to a miserable end, the citizens of countries who don't have enough to survive.
I will be the first to let the world know that it had done us all a favor!
All the people of all walks of life, who know any form of extreme pain, will be yelling some sort of,
Thank you! Gracias Dios! Si Yu'us ma'ase! Merci, Mon Dieu! Bless it be! भगवान का शुक्र है!
There will be so many thanks from so many people,
Religious, Agnostic, Atheist, rich, poor, Third World, First World.
So many people will be so thankful to have their freedom from our home that is hell that we were born into.
This is certain, my friend.
Only the lucky few have it so easy.
We're in a world were one part of it is fighting for all rights for homosexuals,
While in other places they get hanged,
As a presentation from their so-called loving god.
The jurisdiction given to people to cut off a twelve year old's ******* and tell someone with depression to go **** themselves is what this world still hasn't evolved from.
This hate that hurts so many, and only benefits so few.
And when the embers fall,
There will be salvation.

Keep me in your locket, doll,
Keep me tied real tight.
Keep me safe, my love,
Or I might die of fright.
And fear.
And Paranoia
This is nothing to kid.
I am totally, and incidentally afraid of my mirror.
And my friends.
And enemies,
Frenemies,
They're truly out to get me.
Ghosts around every corner and skeletons in e'ry closet.
I am trying not to cry and dying to avoid it
This hell that holds me
Baby
Lock it
Lock it
Lock it
Baby, keep me in your pocket
Baby
Lock it
Lock it
Lock it
Baby, keep me in your pocket
Oh, lock it
Lock it
Lock it
I'm crying.
Keep me in your locket, doll,
Keep me tied real tight.
Keep me safe, my love,
Or I might die of fright.

In my arms lies a broken angel.
Her golden halo strung from her neck.
Her arms are covered in battle wounds, That spell out the hateful words that she always listened to.
I gently brushed her blonde locks from her face and kissed her eyes, whispering to her, once again, another good night.
I then gently laid her down in a bed of roses to let her sleep away the monsters.
Those that haunted her innocence and stole her youth.
Those that put her in the predicament of her broken heart

**** your beautiful lies
**** your perfect smile
**** your bleach blonde hair
**** all of your denial
**** your adorable awkwardness
**** your enticing body
**** your continuous niceness
****  your amazing personality

**** my love for you...

I pretended to be fine
But two nights without my meds made me see
I was not okay
Only e
            m
               p
             t
          y
I'm slowly fading
To the beat of your heart
You promised me...
'Til death do us part

I'm pretty **** sure
That is was apart of a plan
Or something else I would imagine
But right I don't know if I even can

I just moved on to distract myself
But even then I felt like
I was betraying the heart that you left again
Stranded to be ran over by a car or bike

You know that I already can't stand myself
And this doesn't make it any better
That you listened to her
And now I'm under the weather.

I need you
And I want you
But I guess you don't care
Do you?

Fat, ugly, and unloved.
You need to go puke in the toilet.
Continue puking in the toilet, ugly *****.
Because you really are not that slim.
Only drink coffee.
No food for you today.
Starving yourself everyday will for sure keep the fat away
Stupid *****, continue to excersise.
You must look perfect before you die.

0 is only possible with water
1 sadly isn't possible and won't satisfy
13 is equivalent to that of an unappetizing snack
300 is starting to border between satisfying and too much
500 is a little out there
1,000 is unsatisfactory
2,000 is toilet time

You don't need the smoky colored quartz dangling in your hair,
Or the liquid rubies painted onto your soft lips,
Or the powdered gold dusted onto your eyelids to hide the look of pain.
You don't need the silver buttons strung up your shirt to make your aura seem pure,
Or the perfect pearls around your throat to tease and allure,
Or the obsidian skirt hugging your thighs to add the finishing touch.
You don't need the diamond blade to make you bleed imperial topaz onto your marble floor,
Or the laxatives made of howlites to cut your figure thin,
Or the breast implants made of danburites to make you seem attractive.
You are worth more than the emeralds that people compare your eyes to.
You are worth more than the sapphires that make up the water in your body.
And you are worth more than the taaffeites that compose the air you breath.
You are a perfect angel without the expensive things.
Just sing sweet lullabies of the truth and be yourself,
To ensure you live in a beautiful reality.

Crying in the rain only lasts so long
And redrawing faded sharpie butterflies can't go on forever
Dreading over the pink and white lines that make you look like like a kindergarten art project only causes secrecy
While puking up your last meal only causes travesty.
We all hit the bottom whether it be through drugs or cuts
Burning or vandalism
Alcohol or caffeine
Puking or refusing to eat.
We all have a point that we wish we never turned to
And the meds prescribed to help you
Only make it worse
And seem like a fantasy.
We all hit the bottom but to sip from a different cup
We have learned to fake smiles
And pretend to have our chin up.

Time is a cool liquid that flows and resonates through my being
And as I sit here slaving away day by day on man made devices based on prehistoric theories, I feel the angels of death ripping my time out from underneath my feet.
I maybe young but I continue to fret about the bullets that ring in my head and the psychotics that numb my brain into pliable putty.
They try to mold me to fit the social standard and I continue to fight back with the will of a bull and the guilt of a sinner.
I can not continue to castrate my inner self even though it is that of the flames of hell which will never accept me.
I can not continue to wish for the pure white of the wings angels and the dazzling halos of the pure, neither, because I am stuck in my impending cycle of depression and gloom.
Miss Mary Jane only makes me loopy and ***** me up immensely while the nicotine never sedates the destructive curiosity.
I am a slave to my mind and to the pain that bleeds from the bruises and cuts.
I am a slave to the human heart which controls every reenactment of the mistakes my mother bled to hide me from
And for this I cry and plead the words
"I'm sorry!"
But this is never enough.
I will never be enough.
For I am a hopeless little teenage freak that will never learn.
And for this I am truly sorry.

Puzzlement and confusion are merely a battle

The  Great

And the world and fool gods use it to herd us like cattle

The  Great

"Important" men grasp for power

The  Great

While patients of asylums scream for each hour

The  Great

It is hard to admit when you are wrong

The  Great

And when you do, people turn it into song

The  Great

To mock us, to break us,  to forsake us, and more

The  Great

This is the never ending war

The  Great

And everyday we think there will be

The  Great

A savior to beseech thee

The  Great

Evil and pain

The  Great

And help spread gain

The  Great

But in my misery I cannot believe

The  Great

In who those like to refer to as...

The  Great god who never comes.

Tonight I sleep in the sky and fly with the stars
Shedding behind the old worn skin of the days past
Entering the safest place, my mind
And meeting the most encouraging person, myself.

I used to scream silently into the dead broken night
In the now concaved woods, that once enveloped me
And now that I have found the freedom to drop the rust covered blade
I am able to feel the pleasures of the ice cold rain

My newfound strength uplifts me
As my real self comes out, quivering with fear
I am not child nor a woman
I am a transgender man with much to live for and much to give

I maybe young but my eyes are old
I was raised to be an adult before my time
I shall rise to the occasion and give the love I have
While still leaving some to be received

I am sick of a greedy world full of pain and suffering
I am sick of my sarcastic, pessimistic values
I am dreadfully tired of the life that was handed to me
And I am ready to start anew....of my own and by myself.

Tippity tap
Flippity flop
Splish splash
Drip drop

Two eyes
One mouth
Two ears
Still uncouth

A melody fills my ears
As symphonies cause cheers

Hiccup cough
Drip and drop
Wheezing sobbing
And stop

Ten fingers
One pencil
Piece of paper
But merely a doodle

A melody fills my ears
As the audience cries silent tears.

What's so illegal about wanting to marry?
What's so illegal about not wanting that weight to carry?
What's so illegal about inhaling the pain away?
What's so illegal about not living another day?

Our choice, our freedoms, once all in the same.
Now apposed by laws and wars and the Government's games.
War on drugs, anti-gay marriage,
No more abortions might as well lead to "accidental" miscarriage.

Suicides and trespassers both shot in the head,
Hacking games and fake identities, you might as well be dead.
Everything we fear the pessimists then "amend"
Pretending to be gods as if their hands are to be a lend.

What happened to the world when freedom was a lifetime?
Not where fat bellowing rich men made ruling us their pastime.
A rebellion is out of the question,
For people are afraid of more oppression.

Somehow comfortable in homes where brains lie with matrix,
Merely made up of fools who are not creative.
Sick of living in these countries of lies,
Freedom is all I ask but it is what others despise.

What's so illegal about being free?
What's so illegal about being me?

I sat under the bleachers
Tapping my foot against the dusty ground
As I slowly looked around
To make sure that no one could hear me cry.
And so it went no vomits or a groan
I was alone
So I pulled out a lighter and a knife
Also some ****
Time to indulge in that of greed.
I then sigh silently
I cut six times and smoked five joints
This is what death appoints
A hypocrite, fool, and wannabe
Crybaby, deteriorating *****, and ignorant.
I could never love what I found to be
Impure, selfish, and 100% me.

I said I'm fine
I said I was okay
I said I'll get better
So you walked away
You didn't bother
To see through my lies
To see the hate and hurt
Underneath my disguise
When I called for help
I was not high
I was being truthful
But you called it a lie
So I locked myself away
To battle it myself
My broken smile should be a sign
But you don't care

You have never really cared
You only care for yourself
Making cruel jokes
And ignoring all else
You don't care what you do
But it is what you do to me
And all others
That puts us on the edge
I have no idea why I still call you a friend
But I need the pain you dish  
It is like my dying wish
I just want to be in your arms
No expression just silence
Unlike all of your mind games
Which are suffocating me
For all eternity

I sit here
Slicing up my skin
Caring too much
While you just ignore every hint and cry for help I give
I tried to ask for the love I needed
But you just sat there and laughed
One day it will be too late for me to call
Or text
Or to see if you're alright
Because I will be gone
And I'll laugh as you cry miserably
As my spirit watches while having a tea party
But we both know that I could never laugh
At any of your pain and misery
Because I love you too much
To watch you suffer
I would want to make it all better
And because of this you'll keep ******* me dry
Of the love and attention I have to give
And I'll sit here miserably
Wishing that I never had to have lived

I f l e w too close to the sun
And fell too close to the stars
I cried the tears of the moon
As I felt the loneliness of asteroids.


I hugged the never touching trees
And kissed the lonely roses
And b r e a t h e d the air for the dying grass
And sat in the laps of the evergreen vines of ivy.

I ran with the wolves
To forget the malice feeling of the cougars
And s a n g the song of freedom with the hawks
As I let the rabbits comfort me.

I walked with the preoccupied humans
As I stared at the nervous buildings
And hugged the crying street light
Then let the cold air b i t e me

I sat a l o n e in my empty room
With the joyfully stained razor blade
And with the vain and well woven noose
Jumping off the chair as I choose.

I tried my best to break the silence
But you refused to listen
All you did was leave........repeatedly
EVERY TIME
Every......*******.........******* time.......
I try to make you realize what is going on
But you just......do not care

So why should I

I shouldn't

But I ******* do

I do and all it does is hurt me.

And if I leave you I'll hurt me
If you leave me you'll hurt me
If I stay I'll hurt me
If you stay you'll hurt me

So no matter what

It
Still
Hurts

So I'll just sit here and let my soul fade and my heart continuously burst to pieces
While your presence or absence will mock me
And I'll just cry
And hurt
On the inside
And suffer

Because I know before we fell apart, I tried myself, to keep us together.

*"My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one that shot me"

There was many a time I just sat in the corner of that old quiet room.
I loved it there
Just locked up away from the impurities of the world
Playing with the shadows and the imaginary friends of my ever so free creativity
Not knowing that they would soon become my worst enemy
That they would corrupt my mind and expose me to what I was hiding from for so long
I did not dare question it though for the fact that I feared of delving ever more into the darkness

After years that old room turned into the pigs sty of a ******* thirteen year old..who was me...
Always getting yelled at by his mother for wanting to be male and not his biological gender
Always getting hit for being pansexual and falling in love with everyone
Always on his phone and computer
Sending out many corrupting things and plotting many horrid deaths
But never to pursue his nightmarish dreams
Of blood and clowns and killers and laughter
The blank faces and blood red shadows staring at him through the mirror
Always hearing a blank whisper saying his name
His twisted thoughts now playing games
Making him...aka me...seem more insane.

Years from this present time
He...or me...will be alone in an apartment
Almost broke and in college
Trying to fulfill whatever far fetched dream I managed to dream up
But I won't still be okay.
I will be more alone then ever before
Allowing the dreadful shadows and imaginary friends that haunted my childhood to come back and corrupt me again
With no one to help me
Or hear me scream

A little r a i n  d r o p
Then another
And another
And continuously more
All fall onto my cheeks
As I walk alone on the once boisterous and full streets
That were crowded with men, women, and children
Until the rain started pouring
I am the only one left
Walking on the pavement
Crying......
Crying while the rain can conceal my seemingly happy features
The gray hood I was wearing now soaked with a mixture of fresh water and salty tears
While blood seeps through where my heart </3 is
Because I was l..e..f..t.. a l o n e
To suffer
To think
To drink
To get high
To self harm
To attempt suicide
To be abused
To live a dreadful life that I do not consider living.
Just an e  m  p  t  y blackness
Of treachery and emptiness
But even with my dark heart
I will pull through
Or at least try
Because if I do not
I may just die.
And I...
w i s h
to
*s u r v i v e

Ominous tides control my mind
Killing me on the inside
Ageless hurt boiling in the pit of my soul
Yearning to be set free from the eternal prison I have made in my head

Ineffectually think of my impending doom

Fearing the person that I am slowly melting into
Equally hating myself for my sinful crimes
Eloquent words flowing off my hateful tongue
Leaving behind the once pure little girl inside

Deranged voices talking to me
Expecting me to comply
After death and before lie
Depression is my only truth

Nightfall arriving, perishing my once boisterous being
Opening the demon in my soul
W**** will not leave me alone

Roses fall and ******* apart
Aging over time.
Seeming ever so worthless
Was once a shiny dime.
There is no good,
There is no bad,
There's only the gray between.
Beautiful Chelsea grins,
Cloudy dark skies,
With no one to see the green.
"I beg of you"
Said the fool,
As he laughed,
Like a mule.
Mocking me,
The mockery.
The ****** picture gallery.
Love it not,
Love it be.
Love it once
And love it three.
"I don't care"
Said the hare,
"As you be mocking me"
My beautiful little wonderland,
My little picture book.
Lullabies, stories, and poems,
Be your last look