There is nothing like waking up exhausted.
You want to go back to sleep, but you can't.
You aren't sure if you were asleep to begin with.
You had laid in bed for so long in a half-asleep haze
that you can't be sure whether you finally slipped into your dreams or not.

But going by how miserable you feel,
trying to force tired limbs out of bed
while your eyes want to close for just a little while longer,
You can only assume the answer.

What time did you wake up anyway?
3 or 4 in the morning?
What time did you go to bed?
9 O'clock?
You should feel less tired,
but the reality is that you took three hours of tossing and turning,
praying for sleep,
before finally slipping into it for just a few
scarce moments before you're
jerking back away at some ungodly hour
just to spend the next two trying to fade away again.

And then you have to get up.

Staying up till dawn,
thought I was getting better
now I'm back at the bottom.
Don't know how I fell so far
when I was feeling that high
for the first time in ages.

I'm reaching out,
bu my had remains cold
and you remain distant.

Trapped in a house,
my only escape is gone.
There is no sanctuary here,
outside and inside is Hell.

I'm begging on the inside,
screaming without a voice
crying without tears.

Hey,

Could you save me?

I would take the world in the palm of my hand
and crush it.
I would take the weight of the world,
and my legs would not give.

I would say goodbye to the sun
and live in darkness.
I would say hello to my head
and all the horrors within it.

I would let you fall away
if only I could bear it.
I would let my mind rest
if only I knew how to stop it.

The wind whispers
through the night
casting darkness
blotting out light

The inky blackness
is soon devoid
of any light
nothing but the void

The sunlight approaches
creating elongated demons
Tendrils of shadow
weaving ink into your feelings

The door is only a step away
from leaving this awful place
But when you turn around to leave
This nightmare becomes a dream

In the world of a girl, me,
there is always a story
waiting between the pages of life.

In every word, in every scene,
I catalog and dissect the meaning
of everyone and everything.
Like some sort of word scientist.

But life isn't always sunshine and rainbows,
sometimes it storms, and there is only grey.
I quite prefer the rain to the rainbow.

But I am not like everyone else,
who gossip about boys and sports
whilst putting on a pound of makeup in the morning.
I am...different.

And in this world, the difference is frowned upon.
So what if I dye my hair odd colors?
So what if I'm a girl with hair short like a boys?
That doesn't make me anything less.
I am more than they could ever imagine.

Just because I sit outside in the rain
or eat my lunch alone, headphones injecting lyrics into my skull
that only I can understand the meaning of
because my brain is my own, not anyone else.

And I don't care that I prefer the company of fake people on screens,
just so I can escape my miserable existence in the real world.
I don't care that I fight every single day just to make it through
and then realize I have to do it all again in the morning.

I don't care. Because I stopped caring a long time ago.
I stopped caring when my own brain decided to rob me
of everything I held dear and turned everyone against me.
I'm just a story in my own head, playing out like a badly written movie.
But that's okay.
Because I wouldn't mind it if I was just a story among millions.
That still means that somewhere,
someone is reading it.

Lying On the floor,
Unmoving, Lifeless, Numb.
PLease Awake from your slumber
Don't let them tell me you are gone

I'll beg and plead for you to stay
won't let them take you away
you'll wake up soon,
you aren't really gone

Why are you so cruel
You had to waste your life
when I saw you upon the floor
I knew you had taken your own life

So as you lay Lifeless,
as the people rush in
they take you away in a black bag
and I know that it's the end.

I'm sick
and tired
of this downward spiral

I'm lost
and helpless
why am I so broken

I reach
you smile
but you never fix my broken pieces

Do you...
even see me?

You've seen me at my worst...
Did you already forget
the talk we had
where I promised to put the razor down?

You never cast a second glance
but I never...
Never stopped looking for a way out.

All these memories are full;
weighted down by iron bars
that lock and trap.
wrapping chains around me,
but I let them.

Too wild to be tamed,
Too alone to be sane,
but you looked at me
and you smiled-
oh god, you smiled.

Too scared of trying,
not understanding the meaning of family
until you took my hand
and I know what you're doing,
but by some miracle-
by some twisted miracle,
I let you.

You weigh me down now,
long after you're gone.
These chains never rust,
they never loosen.

I let myself be captured by your love.
And I'm still not sure if I regret it or not,
but you taught me how to feel.
And sometimes I wish you hadn't,
because these feeling that are inside me
are far from the malleable, soft thing that I've become.
Far from the person you turned me into.

They are sharp edges
and strong, unyielding walls.
They plunge me into a current
and I don't know how to swim.
So I take it all, floating along
without your guidance.

You taught me these things-
and then you left before you were done.
You've left me to smooth out the edges on my own
but you never taught me how.

Everyone wants to connect
To carve their scars into one another
and never let them be forgotten
even after they fade from this world.

Everyone wants to be loved and to give love
The one who gave love
never had enough for themself
so they accepted the love from the other
in an endless cycle
of dependance.

Without connection, there is no love
and what is given out cannot be returned.
And then you run low on love
and then you run out.
And you can't get any of it back
ever again.

When the sky turns golden
with the colors of a setting sun
let all be beholden
before the night is done.

When the grass starts to wither
and the frost nips your nose
He bids you, "Come hither!"
or as the saying goes.

The clip-clop of hooves that trot
on a paved cobbled road
Onward you ride, but all for naught
teary-eyed, lines toed.

Racing forth to outrun disaster,
there's nothing now, not even laughter,
the darkness rains, He yells 'Faster!"
trying in vain to chase after.

The dust has settled
She's gone on ahead,
Oh how long she has battled,
with the demons in her head

Look me in the eyes
when you remember
all the good times
we shared together.

Look me in the eyes
When you lie to me
can you keep a straight face
while staring at these broken eyes of mine.

Look me in the eyes
I can't remember
the last time you
told me the truth

Look me in the eyes
I can't help but
think of the last
goodbye I said to you

Look me in the eyes
and tell me that you
don't care about me
you can't lie to me anymore

Look me in the eyes
I'll tell you something
I don't believe that you
could lie to me like that

Look me in the eyes
as I tell you
that we can't start over
Gooby forever

With blackened fingertips,
I swallow my tears.
Ink cascading with steady drips,
I jot down all my fears.

Will I be forced off the beaten path,
that I've traveled for years?
Will I still remember how to laugh,
Or will it be a memory to my ears?

The noise is white and static hums,
I cannot concentrate.
The measure of all my emotions, like drums
I bash them down with hate.

I do not think you understand,
how toxic you've become.
Dangling above the land,
from here I have been strung.

A broken puppet on display,
With a chipped porcelain face.
Cut me down, and here I'll lay,
With shaking hands I trace.

I trace the walls of this home,
filled with longing and desire.
I'm broken, yet I still will roam,
'Till my mind burns in this fire.

As the noise increases
I feel the tension rising
I need an outlet,
I need saving

I feel like I'm drowning,
trapped in a box
with a vice grip against my chest
and I can't escape it at all

My chest is tightening by the second
I take a deep breath, just breathe
Nothing helps but music,
something I'm in dire need

I've never been to the doctor
so I don't know if these are 'attacks'
but that's what I've started to call them
because that's what it feels like to me

inside my head, a paradise lies
of broken flowers and tortured thoughts
where I lay on a grayscale painting
crumbling down as I lay waiting

How could this happen in such short time
only three years have passed
but now a heart shatters
into nothing but broken glass

What has been hidden is now seen
as I lay upon my bed
with a torrent of tears flowing down my face
can anything make it end?

I don't want to get up and face another day
as the screaming outside begins
I wait for hours it feels like
before the crying soon begins.

I slip outside of my room,
and up the stairs, I walk
I sit quietly and patiently
Not bothering to talk

The bus comes as I wait outside
in the cool morning air
where most would be freezing
but my mind is numb to it.

Headphones are used
to try to block out the noise
of a million voices talking at once
but I can hear them in my mind

"she's so fat isn't she?"
I image them saying
even though I know it isn't true
it stays with me every day

I want my life to be over with
so I can be born again
and have a better life than this one
without these thoughts inside my head

A  failure,
He was made
with our failure to listen
and was released
by our faults

Save these stolen treasures
for a woman who can love them.
Save this simple love song
for a girl who knows how to sing them.

A girl who isn't me,
a girl who can laugh, young and free
unburdened by the weight
of the world.

Save these candy apples
for a woman who makes you smile
Save these sunkissed hands
for a girl who can hold them

A girl who isn't me
a girl who can love, faithfully
a girl whose heart is beating
red and full

I'd give away those treasures
I don't know how to love
My laugh is bittersweet, and oh so wrong.
I'm crippled by the weight
of this world's torment and hate
I can't make you smile
I'm not yours to hold.

But if I was bold,
then maybe
I'd have a chance
to learn how these feelings inside me
could learn to change.
Maybe then my heart would beat,
so beautiful and sweet;
but alas,
I doubt that dream will ever be seen.
At least not by me.
But for you,
this dream shall come true
just as long as you leave me
alone.

As the tide rolls in
It washes away
The hope and the doubt
To let you waste away

Why do they love
The ocean like they do
When it crashes and pills you in
When you never had a clue

When life becomes meaningless
Nothing but desperation
For air or love, i dont know
Because your drowning in sorrow

When everything is left
Too much is left unsaid
It drags you down Below
Trapped in thoughts you  don't know

Across the shore
There are many more
Like you  and me
We just want to be seen

We want to be heard
With anguished cries for help
When nobody will save us
When we  are left....to drown

Desolate
synonymous to:
Barren
Wasteland
Empty

Forgotten
Synonymous to:
My life
My existence
My happiness

Joyful:
The Antonym to:
My brain
my love
my head

Loved,
Something that I do not feel
Something that I don't remember the warmth of
Something I will never have

With shaking hands I grasp yours
I cannot run away.
You are lying ever colder now,
You're sleeping through the day.

And at night, you shall rise
from your body, through the roof
to the sky, where you shall lie
But I need to see the proof.

They say Heaven's where you'll be,
but you see, I don't believe
all I hear are all the lies
When I look into their eyes.

But if it's true, then I cry
Because I won't see you again.
And I know, you'll say I'll go to Heaven too.
But if Heaven is a place,
I'll never grow my wings.
I'll be dragged straight down, into Hell.

A pressure's rising within me
Snap. That's how it'll be.

I've plotted a hundred,
thousand, no- a million ways to do it.

I've yet to act on a single one.
But oh, how I long for it.

Face-value lies are my strong suit,
it lets me hide just below the surface.

And if someone really thought to look,
they'd find me.

Sitting in the corner, face twisted
into ugly despair without tears.

The pressure is too much,
like a taught bow-string.

It needs release.
I need relief.

It'd be easy to get some,
the tools are right in front of me.

It's been a long debated scenario in my head,
I can't imagine a life where I live to be over twenty.

Everyone is starting to plan their future without me already,
so why the hell should I bother them?

Friends come and go,
It's not like I'm special in there eyes...right?

But it would leave people haunted,
and they don't deserve to be a part of my burden like that.

No matter how cruel they can be...
The only one I can bring myself to loathe is me.

Do you regret what you've done?
Do you even know what you did?
Do you want to just forget me?
leave me in the dirt like everyone else?

It's been awhile since I've mentioned it.
All the anger I've kept
has depleted and I just want to disappear
leave nothing of me left

Do you regret what has ahppened
when you broke my heart in pieces
I trusted you and let you in
and you threw me away like garbage

So when you see my body
hanging above the floor
will you finally see the pain
that I have endured?

All these days, alone and lonely
everything I'd done overshadowed
I worked harder than anyone in this room
but nobody seemed to care

They fawned over the populars
the ones who set the stage
they prey upon the weak of others
without even realising our pain

So when I look you in the face
do you regret what you've done?
When you see my body hanging limp
from a rope tied heaven?

Do you regret what you've done
this is my final words
this note is written just for you
to see how much you made me hurt

I don't know what's going on
the pain in my chest grows.
I don't know why I feel this way
please, does anyone know?

I hate this way of living
the world dull, black, and gray.
But with this pain comes a feeling
that I've never known.

Save me please, oh save me
I'm drowning in the fear.
Of everybody leaving
is there anyone left to hear?

I want to just be saved
can anybody help me?
I cannot fight these feelings
I cannot let them go.

So can you whisper softly
tell me it's alright?
because when I look at this dull world
I can't find any light.

I want to scream,
what do your words mean?
My soul's been beaten down,
I can't keep going round and round.

So I, lay my head down to rest.
Wait to take my final breath.
In my ears, the music pours
and it rains, down on me.

I, need to see, need to be
the one next to you.
I, need to live, need to set
the world on fire
my desire is not what everyone else wants to believe
Please, please, please, just set me free.

I want to bleed
need to see, the blood dripping down
I need to close my eyes
and never open them to your lies

So I, lay my soul down to rest
get the **** out of my head
I can't go round and round
with you anymore

I, need to see, need to be
the one next to you.
I, need to live, need to set
the world on fire
my desire is not what everyone else wants to believe
Please, please, please just set me free.

I'm waking up, from this nightmare
But it only gets worse
I'm sinking down into the lies
of the world.
Wake me up, to misery

I, need to see, cannot be
the one next to you
I need to die, one more time
let the fire fill my veins
my desire is not what everyone thinks it is
please, please, please just set me free.

There is a delicate innocence
in a young season.
One where they are just beginning
untainted by the coming days and the rush
of all the things that must change.
Unburdened by the falling leaves, or the growth of flowers
or the fall of snow on a winter evening.

But as the seasons age, they lose that innocence.
Leaves no longer bear the vibrant colors of Autumn.
Spring no longer grows such beautiful flowers,
whose petals are so soft
like silk, or a lover's touch.
Winter brings forth harsh blizzards and ice that forces
everyone into hiding
as they wait out just one of many winter storms.
Summer brings forth days too hot to do anything,
drought and sunburn, heatstroke and general uncomfortableness.

As the seasons die, they give birth to the next season,
innocence born anew in a never-ending cycle
of naivety, then suffering, then the long waited for relief.
A season never stays, and you cannot follow it.
But at the same time, you know
that it will always come back to you in the end.

Seasons are much like humans, no?
We are born so delicate, full of an untainted fragility
that people swoon over
wanting for that innocence to never fade.
But as we grow, that innocence turns to
bitterness, greed, anxiety, and the wish
for the next season to come along and save them from this
the boring, monotonous day that never ends.
And as we grow even older, acceptance rolls around
and we begin to regret the things we never did in life.
But for some of us, the season ends far too soon.
and unlike the seasons, we can never come back.

Shatter me
slowly
I don't want
to believe

Shatter me
quickly
I don't want
to know

Shatter me
please
I can't handle
the pain

Shatter the
promises
that we made
together

Shatter the
answers
that turned into
lies

Shatter my
heart
into a million
pieces

Shatter my
glass soul
that broke when
you touched it

Sending the world into peaceful silence;
a fire burning for eternity;
a love lasting forever;
a darkness so calm and neverending.

Sending the vision of the past;
never letting you go;
never letting it show;
never getting a chance.

Wanting to say the magic words;
to make it okay;
to tell them to wait;
to let them be free.

I love you, my dear;
these five simple words;
never ever heard;
in the silence of the world.

Good things always come with a price
didn't they ever teach you that?
Nothing good lasts forever
fades away, like quicksilver

Silver to dust,
or is it dust to silver
the change always flows
but there's mud in the water

Clouding your thoughts
your judgment, your mind
Until silver is dust
and your sorrow is mine

When dust fades away
revealing a shiny surface
of silver in the midst
of all the darkness

Sleep,
The dark abyss of fears
that await you when you close your eyes
When you're at your worst
your mind becomes a prison
a sanctuary of nightmares
that you can't escape

Awake,
The light of a new day
that quickly turns to dusk
locking you away
the dawn seems so peaceful
but underneath the guise
lies a whole new torture
much worse than in your dreams

Insane,
the art of being 'crazy'
when you harm yourself for attention
is that really what they think?
You're not insane
you are broken
but they can't see that you're hurt
that you just want to find someone to trust

Sleep,
the dark abyss of fears
but you don't feel alone here
because with you in your prison
are the things you can't escape
they haunt you day and night
those demons that you keep
for when the sun sets,
to when it slowly rises
your only friends are with you
in the dark abyss of Peace

Testing patience is never-
ever a good idea
no matter how great you know a person
you don't really know them
until they snap

And when they snap
their true emotion-
not the fake answers they always give
are shown and feelings are hurt

But can you really blame them?
No, I think not- not when
you are the antagonizer
and this is their self-defense

Wanting to change
to rearrange
when instead of helping another
one stands above the other

fighting a battle, a war
not even knowing what for
but they do it anyway
don't care about yesterday

I don't partake
in society's mistake
that boys must act tough
and be equally as rough

A girl must wear designer clothes
spends hundreds of dollars, but nobody knows
wear pounds of make-up just to look pretty
and go around with a million boys, which is just petty

Society is evil and cruel
so I will use my anger as fuel
to rant about their mistake
and hope that my heart won't break

those who don't follow the trend
are forced to make their bodies bend
to fit into school and such
but they are burdened way too much

how does it feel society?
because some of us won't bow down quietly
I am calling out your mistake
to protect the ones who feel worthless, we won't break.

Follow the path, that I’ve set out to claim.
So many things, that I could never dream.
Don’t leave me standing, out here in the rain;
Where it spirals down, in cracks and in seams.

Once upon a time, in a far far land;
I read a story, one of make believe.
Where dragons would soar, so noble and grand;
And knights on horses, wore hearts on their sleeve.

The princess would wait, and hope for the day;
Where her dearest, would take her heart and strum.
And when she is free, she would gladly say;
Praise my savior, O’ I knew he would come!

And as this adventure, comes to a close,
She will awaken, and sing out her throes

The stars fall to the ground
Under the dimming, black
Void
When nothing escapes and
X-rays of pure nothing exist,
Yet collect and ponder the deaths
Zooming; skyrocketing into an infinite loop of fear.
And then silence,
Broken on by the
Clap of thunder and rain
Drumming down into
Every corner of a fragmented skull,
Gaining power and
Holding brains hostage
In their own heads
Just as you realize
Killing doesn’t mean dead and
Love doesn’t mean happy.
Mothers and fathers antagonize while
Nameless nobodies lie awake,
Only closing their eyes when their
Parents cease their incessant
Questioning accusations.
Relying on a whim and
Stealing the stars from the sky.

My fingers are numb
from the cold
from the rain
pounding against the window

I press my forehead
against the cool
smooth surface
of the glass

I watch the rain drop
dripping, slipping
down the window pane
as I watch the time fly by

fascinated I stare
at the stormclouds overhead
as the thudner rolls in
and lightning lights the sky

But yet I smile
because it's been awhile
since my favorite weather
has come out to play

The sky is dark
almost as black as night
as I sit and watch
outside the window

Waiting for it to end
sad, but it can't last
I hear the thunder's silence
before the clouds clear away

I get up to go
where? I don't know
but my favorite weather has gone
And it will be back before long

Sunday never came for me.
Straight from Saturday to Monday.
No church for me, no,
I'm forsaken by God.

The devil's on my shoulder
the days are growing colder.
the nights are getting longer
Yet Sunday never comes.

I pray for a different life
I hate living in constant strife
I don't want the life that has been chosen
But Sunday never comes.

I'm not a believer
I've never been one.
So maybe that's why,
Sunday will never come.

Surely no one is meant to live like this?
Not meant to live in constant fear and pain,
waiting for the evening just for it to rain?

Surely it doesn't make that much sense,
to live in constant regret and sorrow,
unable to make it till tomorrow.

The days pass in a misty haze,
but you are still waiting for the sun.
The stars are vacant in the sky,
but you still wait for them to burn.

Why do you waste away in such a place?
Where your skin is unmarred,
but your heart bears all your scars?

Why must you stay here, broken,
like a porcelain doll that is so, so, fragile.
One touch could break you.

You beg for someone to look below the surface
of the ever-constant ocean in your mind.
But they only dip their feet in the water,
because it is much too cold to stick their head under.

Surely no one is meant to live like this?
Merely surviving until their death.
Never take more than a needed breath,
only an empty shell, uninhabited by any meaning.

A little bit of sugar
a tiny pinch of salt
A couple of spoonfuls of cinnamon.
I single chocolate drop
throw it in some flour
and add a cup of milk
That is how you bake something
I hope that it did help.

Now mix the ingredients, until they blend so well
and you'll have a mixture
that looks as delicious as it smells.
Then put it in the oven
set it to bake
take it out when the timer dings
and you'll have yourself a cake.

can anyone tell me how to love?
can anyone show me how to feel?
because from all the things I've learnt
none of it seems to be real

None has told me how to act
non one has taught me how to laugh
All the things I've been doing
were from watching, and hardly learning

memories how to act
memories how to look
don't understand any of it,
but it doesn't matter does it?

If only I was able
to understand and know
just why we act the way we do
I'd be considered normal too

So teach me how to live
my life the way i want
because without all I've never been taught
there is only mockery inside me

Zebras have their stripes
And lions have their pride,
Bears have their strength but
Cattle wait to die.
Doesn’t anyone see it?
Every slaughter, every ****,
For in that we are united.
Going round and round,
Hardly moving
In a world of mindless entertainment.
Jerking the wheel just to make that turn,
Killing fear with thrill.
Lonely days filled with strangers
Moaning in the night,
Nothing underneath the covers,
Only leaving by daylight.
Perhaps it was warranted, but
Questions go unanswered.
Revolting sights and
Sickening sounds,
Turn your stomach upside down.
Underneath it all, the
Vanity only leads to insanity.
When humans breed infection,
X-rays “cure” the problem.
Yet the cattle breed and die.

I'm searching for an answer
but I already know the outcome
of my questions.

Another death swept under the rug
billions of people,
not a single one made a sound.

What's the difference between celebrities and normal people, huh?
What in the world is wrong with us?
Are we not important?
Are we replaceable?

People are despicable.
We are the invaders.
An invasive species of the whole world,
destroying everything that is beautiful
and replacing it with synthetic material
to make us feel better
but never helping.

I'm one person among billions.
and I know i'm not the only one
who thinks this world is on the verge of a breakdown.
The question I mentioned,
I think I found it.

Why does it matter?

The answer:
Because aesthetics matter more than the well being of anyone. If they look 'okay' they can't be hurting. They can't be in pain. They're just lying.

The outcome:
A world of lies and cheating and stealing,
all based on how the world sees us
and not how we want to live.

What is the point?
Who the hell wants to live like this,
if live at all?
I'd much rather face down a pack of starving animals
than take on a group of people.
Because animals don't care about the color of your hair or the quality of your makeup, or the brand of your clothes.
They are creatures of instinct.
They are creatures of family, balance, bonds.
Whereas we are creatures of pain and torment.
Where did our evolution go wrong, I wonder.
Because I don't think we were meant to be like this at all.

The human experience
is one that is a complex journey.
We must search for it.
Looking high and low,
near and far,
in the distant past,
in the ever-nearing future.
We never stop looking

Staring at the horizon
the sunlight drifts away
like a breeze blowing a cloud
far, far away

As darkness comes out to play
like snow on a winter day
the tendrils of shadow beckon to me
with starlight in the sky; clear to see

I take a hesitant step ahead
not knowing where to go
the shadows drift around me
as my voice is lost in the echo

A haze sets in
an icy winds' grasp
tendrils of shadow and mist mix
creating a yin yang balance at last

The beauty of the night is strong
there are no words to describe it
for when I say these words to you
Only you can hope to imagine it

These blinding lies
and dark truths
devour and conquer
the souls of the broken

These unseeing gazes
blind to the world
deaf to the pleas
oblivious to the screams

I look at them in pity
because they don't understand
Through these blinded eyes
You've never looked so bad

I stare at you
with dead and broken eyes
shattered into a million pieces
I bleed at you mend

I'm bleeding out,
staining your life with red
drowning out the white of the room
But still the broken tile mends

I look for someone, something,
to hear my cries for help
but nobody will listen
they don't hear me shout

I'm bleeding out
staining the white carpet floor
It looks like a ****** scene
but nobody's home

A note all that's left
seems so insignificant
but as they look
as they see

They know that It was written by me
They know that I've had enough
Of screaming, of seeing
Through Blinded Eyes

I watch the time fly
out of reach
from the hands of men
and wishes of children

I watch the time pass
as the sun sets
over time wasted
and love passed

I watched time not last
when you said
you'd love me forever
but now you are with her

I watch the time fly
as you pass by
hand in hand
with her

Tell me what to say
tell me what to do
because I can't really tell you
anything

Tell me what I'm supposed to fell
Becuase I can't feel anything
Tell me what is supposed
to happen

Like sand in an hourglass
all the time runs out
and my time is almost up
I feel

But don't you worry
because I will never
leave you alone
I'm haunting you