Wondering about what I'm doing here,
Thinking of the stars and their light
I miss doing that with you

I'm like this astronaut wannabe
like two cats in a tree,
being so far from you; it distresses me

I've always wondered,
Maybe if I had changed

And when he cries I talk
And when he smiles I joke
But when he lies I smoke
And knock
And lock
And walk

Soon I will get far

Beneath our footsteps on a long shore,
The sand is soft and promising
And there she is
A beautiful muse
Waiting for me like there's no fear
In the world
Looking forward for challenges

You make death seem like the ultimate thing to wish for
                   On a shooting star,
                   Or at 11:11
                   Or on whatever it is people wish on these days.

You make slicing my thighs seem like the ultimate prize
At the end of a long day.

You make death seem like it’s the only thing I need to aim for.

I don’t dream of what my life could be anymore,
                    The job I could have,
                    The family I could love
Rarely crossing my mind.

When people ask me where I want to be in 5 years,
                    Or even 3,
I hesitate.
Wanting to be 6 feet under the stars,
                    Maybe in 5 months,
                    Preferably in 3,
But these are secrets you dare not speak of,
So I simply reply
                    Happy.
Maybe in Washington,
In a port town,
Or in Colorado in the mountains.

I don’t dream about love anymore,
                     Or at least I try not to,
But my god do you make it hard
Because,
Well,
                      I love you.

Instead I try to dream of cars,
Crashing into me,
It gives me the same sensation as dreaming of you,
                      But it doesn't hurt as much,
                      Or as last as long.

I find it hard to find the thrill in living.
Maybe I’m just not doing it right yet,
But right now I find a certain thrill
                       In hiding my scars,
                       In pretending to be fine;
I like to give others enough information
That if they tried hard enough
They could figure me out,
To see if anyone thinks I’m worth the effort.
                       Update: I’m not.

Most peculiarly of most things was that I thought all of this very fishy, daudry, drab, and boresome. This is where I turn on the second table lamp...

In a muster I arrived to the home of my aunt, where at once she drew me into the back of the house, down a flight of stairs made of tusk and bone into a catacomb where she kept a alive collection of wooly mammoths. She said the upkeep wasn't awfully horrendous as she had an invisible backdrop which led to a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe sort of thing. I stood in the gangway behind 10 foot high thigh bones waiting for one of the monstrous red beasts to come greet me, but what arrived was a very large elephant with longer tusks than usual. None of the red sillyness which I had dreamt of seeing in my previous years.

She could see I was not that impressed, and so I was led to another part of her home. Around the corner walked in my uncle in is superb and luxurious dress, reminiscent of 18th century British military fatigues. He said, "I bought the E.T. ride from Universal Studios, but as bringing the whole ride to my home I had them adapt a more suitable version to fit the property. A hangar opened and inside there were four chariots of orange and blue, diamond shaped school buses with their undersides aimed at withholding a V-shaped street. Then in two and two single file order all the classmates of my K-12 years arrived and took seat into the strappings of this 'ride' we were to take. Music played, John Williams even was produced by hologram, and after the ups and downs for several minutes we arrived to what I thought would inevitably be the forest, but rather was what I perceived was a Finnish town. The chariot I was in was stuck in the street, mud, rain, and soot entrenched us. I unbuckled the polyester straps and when I stood I realized that though the seats had built in urinals and toilets they were utterly noiseome to the senses. I followed a local girl to a food mart where I asked how I could find where I was but no one spoke a drop of English.

I corraled the group and told them to wait for me. I followed this girl who seemed quite younger than I to a small apartment in the uppermost floor of a very unsturdy chapel-like home several suburban blocks from our ride. She immediately removed her pants and I saw with my very own eyes that she was hairless and nubile. She insisted that we have a ****, and after I caressed her and complained too that she was far too young, she insisted that the age of consent in Germany was actually 13 yet she was 16. I remember it clearly. The most gigantuous feelings of pleasure as I mended a studio closet for my dining room furniture inside her ripening channel. Eventually after an hour we finished, she offered me a towel and some biscuits, which I consumed joyously.

Upon leaving her home I remembered that she had said we were in Germany, and so I produced a measure of Deutsch that I had been saving in my repetoir for the right moment. As Finnish is not my strongest language I was pleased of this and became instantly popular among the other candidates of our journey. This  E.T. ride is far different than  I remember it having been. Moments later I awoke quickly, a tuft of her black hair on my eiderdown comforter and a veil of tears from the merriment of glee shrouded over my face. After I rolled and balled into the soft feathers of my bedding, I twisted myself again into a knot, and allowed myself to rejoin the soporific treatice I was aiming for.

This is now where I turn off both lamps and go on watching films of a similar style.

Wishing You The Very Best,

Sir Martin Narrod

I keep my family of conscience
I shred my folly of heir
In case of torment or fondness
I never wear underwear.

I vaguely remember our car rides together
I wished they'd last forever
We drove around singing Queen
Imagine what could have been?
I'm nearly eighteen,
I'm beginning to forget

I vaguely remember us at Disney
I cling on to the memory fragments
Reenactments of my mind
I wish our lives where redesigned

I've been told you rocked me to sleep
Where are you now when I'm trying to fall asleep?
I vaguely remember your bad jokes
When I awake you're still not here

I imagine our little conversations today
We could play or sway or you could help me with an essay
Possibilities which will never be
Because you did not stay

It dawned upon me, I have spent most of my life away from you
That makes me feel so blue
I wish we could start anew
For I so desperately miss you

You know when you told me you liked me
and I realized I liked you too I was overjoyed
You know when I told you I missed you
and you told me you did too , I was pained
In pain
Because I could not see you
because I could not express these unfamiliar emotions
that built up inside of me
For the first time I wanted someone,
you
to kiss my lips
I wanted to wrap my arms around you
and hug you  close as if you would disappear
More importantly I just wanted to see you
Stare at you in the least creepiest way possible
I wanted to be by your side and you by mine
but then this distance hit
and I was knocked out of my fantasy
and my brain started to not agree with the rest of me
and my emotions were spinning out of control
what was I to do ?
Why was it up to me to make the decision I asked you
Then you said to me
"Because either way I'll be ok"
You would be okay...
If there was an us you would be ok
If there wasn't an us you would be okay
Why does my heart hurt?
For making me say the words
that we both knew
Was cruel of you
I didn't know what else to do
And then when the decision was made
I didn't know what would happen from there
So I asked you
Do we still talk like we use to ?
Do we still flirt ?
How does this even work?
and you said to me "we're still friends "
And I thought to myself
there was never a start but
why does this feel like the end
then in my pain
I blamed you
I had asked you to help me out
You said you didn't want to influence my decision
I thought your reasoning was *******
It takes two people to be in a relationship
Then you repeated those words
It didn't matter to you so you left it up to me
Because either way you'll be ok
And I didn't know how to feel
I don't know how to feel...

I look at myself and all I see is grey
I try so hard to pray it away
I know it's cliche
But I can't stand my own face

It's sad eyes
They see through my lies
My oversized thighs
My failure to revise
I despite this disguise

I look at myself and all I see is disappointment
Try harder I mumbled in exhaustion
What a collision
My own derision

One day, soon, I will look at myself and all I will see is joy
My reflection, I will enjoy not want to destroy
I will not be coy
As the sun dawns
All will be gone I vowed

I look at myself today and all I see is hope
For I am proud
I want to scream it loud in crowd
I am proud of me and you
And with that statement I feel so new.