Do you ever hear things that aren't there?
Like blood-curling screams
Your name being yelled
A radio playing 40's music and commentating on a derby
Or Arguing

Do you ever see things that aren't there?
Like a shadow creeping closer and closer to you every time you blink
Floating orbs
Or a man who is supposed to torture you and **** your parents

Do you ever mistake the world inside your head for the world outside?
A best friend who isn't real
A family who isn't dead
A scary man who isn't alive
Or an event that isn't circumstantial

Do you ever predict the future?
A death
Or a life

Do you ever think yourself to be insane?

Yeah, me too.

Overload caffeine
No food
Too many pills
Workout for hours
No sleep
****** nights with steel
Gaging meals in the bathroom
Blackout drunk
Loss of hope
Loss of fear
Loss of self

You have no idea how you look when your eyes light up with passion
Or when you come to me, confused about life
While you nervously laugh and squirm as if your skin wasn't yours
I have seen you when you were sad
I have seen you when you were angry
I have seen you with a mask
And I have seen you as you

Seeing you in whole I finally accept
That I love you more than I thought
All of it: The good, the bad, and the fear

I can't even write anymore
They took away my brilliance and wit
All imagination that swept me away from this earth
With the prescriptions and tossing of heads to begin and end a day
The days not exceeding any sort of progress or regression
Idle
Stationary
And never moving
They said they would rid me of the thoughts
I did not know they meant all thoughts
Shallow
Flat
Numb
Until I have a moment of clearness
When I know I never would have wanted it the way it was now
But, instead
I can't even write anymore

I hit my head
My eyes are strained
My neck, it aches
Spiderwebs form in the whites
And knots align the joints back
I sleep far too much
I eat (maybe once)
My head's a mess
My body's a wreck
And I don't think there's anymore I can take
I drink water but am always thirsty
My vision is worsening and my mind is clouding
And as my bones are showing, my eyes are bulging, and my thoughts drift only to "I want to ()"
I look in the mirror saying I might go mad, then again, I think its too late for that

It has all come back
Because I did something that I knew was wrong
That I knew would hurt me, destroy me
I knew it would because I have been all too familiar with its consequences

Hope
Supposedly its a 'good thing'
When hope lives in your body you are seen as being strong and capable

But the pessimistic people of this world are labeled differently
They are the 'party poopers' the glum, the depressed, the angry
Understanding this you could come to the conclusion that I have gathered

Hopelessness is good because you can never be let down
Everything can get better than it was from the beginning
And you don't sustain that hard, sucker-punch to the gut
When everything turns to ****
Because you already expected it to

And this is when I realize why I hated hope so much
Why I never held it fast
Because it never exceeds expectation and rarely meets it
So hope, it just let's you down
It can destroy a person

I'd call these people stupid but, of course, I'd be wrong
I call myself stupid when I make such mistakes
It is a mistake
It is a sin

What if you could do it?
Drop everything:
Your family, your loved ones, your job, your house, your life
And leave
To go to a new land, an unknown world
Never to return again
Would you do it?
To build a new life for yourself
Make your name mean something different
To pick your own family, not one to be born into
Have a new job, one you enjoy
Escape the monotonous days on Earth
Having a redo
A blank-slate
Would you do it?
Could you do it?

Living lives two places wears my soul to thin.

Why do they say ‘suicide is never the answer’?
They never give any other solution, do they?
Just a caution to the wind
A guilt trip to the Internet when you look for methods
If someone put a gun in my hand and told me to defend myself
I’d place the gun to my temple and pull the trigger
If someone told me to stay alive for them
I’d place the gun on the table and do as I was told

I can't go on
It's as simple as that
There's no way I'll make it out this time
The only control I have in my life is my life
And I'm not strong enough or talented enough to do anything special
So I plot my own death and see if I can get away with it
Trying to prove to myself that I'm at least strong enough to put myself out of this misery

You know there's darkness in all of us, throughout our lives
The darkness corroded with monsters and misted with demons
Those who walk in the shadows alone
Are different from those who hold a hand from the light
These people are held by the ones who love them when they couldn't support themselves

But us? Well when we can no longer stand
When we can no longer push through
The darkness and its inhabitants do just as the friend would do
That's why we won't, we can't let them go
Because they were holding us when no one else would
The demons, the monsters are the most caring things in our life

To this fact one would think our lives must be pretty ****** up

Here I am waiting, wishing for this fog to lift

The light has been stolen from this visage

And day turns to eternal night as this world makes a shift
With the disappearance of hope and life in this image


And how I weep and how I sob at the thought of what awaits 

The deep, dark depths of all I've longed

Has now mend the wounds that throb
And uncovers the truth that has me wronged


Maybe the darkness will be the glue 

To hold me together, to give me false life

It is easier and kinder to myself to just give in to this wind that away blew

All my sorrows and worries that cut like a knife

He joined because his father and his father's father had
But he had other dreams

He shot the guns and ran with the pack
But he hated the deafening noise and the crowd
He flew overseas to a base
But he'd rather be home
He killed people
But cried every night for those souls
He saved a comrade who'd lost a leg
But he hated the blood and the screaming
He shot civilians, they said it could not be prevented
But he could never sleep at night for the images and guilt wouldn't cease
He served extra months
But all he wanted was to be held by his momma at home

He went into the next takedown with his team
But came out alone
He couldn't contact his base and was told the drone came in at 1530
But it was already 1527 when he crawled out of his team's grave
He would die an honorable death, serving his country
But he never wanted to be there

He had two minutes, it was not possible
So he lay on his back and looked to the sky
He smiled for he felt a peace he hadn't felt in awhile
But began to cry when he thought of his Pops and Mommy and his two baby brothers
He let out a cry of pain, despair, but relief

For there was to be no more blood, no more death
No more children corpses or all the noises
No more running, no more exploding
No more missing limbs, burnt bodies, or wide-open eyes
No more crowds, and the smell of death lingering
No more orders, no more sleepless nights
No more guns, no more screaming, no more nightmares
No more moving or fighting
No more homesickness, no more suffering, no more pain

His life was never to be this way, never to end this way
He never liked guns, violence, or even confrontation
He learned to accept all things he hated of this never-ending war
Because he felt obligated

He loved his family, saw them for the last time, fifteen months ago
But even they became a dream amongst this hell
And in hell dreams don't come true
He just wanted to see them one last time
Hear their voices
But at his end he just wanted to escape the violence and his sadness
He died a hero
But lived a lie
He protected you and I
But in return he died, in sorrow, pain, exhaustion, and alone

He wanted to be a marine biologist ever since he was five
But he died at the age of twenty

I'm content with my decision
And nothing will get in my way
Because this time I am selfish
And thought it all through
Too bad really

I lie through my teeth every time I go to her office
Every time I sit in the middle of that gray couch with pillows on top and blankets all around
I isolate, still, even in this place, from all warmth and company

At first I could not fool her from what I was feeling what I was planning
But now she believes me
All the lies that slip through my lips and into the small cozy room
I would be lying if I said I didn't look forward to our meetings
Of course how are you to trust me now that you know my secret

My therapist is the only person who I feel comfortable around, without guards
And even then I do not ask for help
Even then I do not tell the truth

I loved her more than she would have ever known
More than I ever should
She was a friend
One I could trust, one that listened, the only one who could've saved me
She was more than a friend
There isn't a word that could ever come close to explaining who she was to me
I could have given her all she gave me and more
But I never whispered the words I always wanted to say to her
I protected her from afar and cared for her and loved her
But she had no clue, how much she meant to me
And I, I could not live without her
But she would not notice living without me
You could say it was all fake
You could say I tricked myself into believing there was something more
I didn't even get to say goodbye
The words I last spoke to her were a lie
And I would take it back a hundred times again
If it meant I could see her face and hear her words one last time
Just once more and my heart would be settled

What if you have no point on this earth?
What if you don't belong on this earth?
What if you're not imperative to anyone on this earth?
What if you are just existing on this earth?
What if, for you, there is no happiness on this earth?

You just shouldn't be here
You should be somewhere else

Where you have a purpose
Where you fit
Where you are loved and needed
Where you can live
Where you feel happiness for once in so long

I found a reason why I might be in so much pain:

I feel everything very, very deeply

Emotions, people, and places overwhelm my brain

And I awake in the night, the aches and pain of tearing fibers everyday to have my body rebuild them
Its an unease, tossing and turning in my bed
Turning on music with no words, nightly hymns
Yet my mind drifts to a place, not so far, for now
That was simpler, filled with new experiences with new friends new places new family
I never quite knew if it was excitement, fear, or the newness that made me feel like I was on top of the world, maybe because I was out in the world
Of course I only remember the good, the fondness of the past grows with each passing day we stray further from it
But, when I awake in those nights, I feel a longing, the breath leaves my chest and it feels hollow and shallow to breath
I miss the nights wondering the town, drinking and sharing and getting lost with people I hardly know, yet know better than anyone within 2,000 miles. I miss the family that took me in, though I was anxious and could barely communicate, it was comfort that I remember the most. I miss the routine. I miss walking and the weather and the people and the clothes and the countryside. I miss how old that country is, the food, the lifestyle. I missed being a person, with a blank slate and being an explorer.
But, most of all, I miss the mundane of that place, the bus rides, the room, the dog, the walks. I missed the person I was and the life I was allowed to live.

Even if I were to go back, it would not be the same
It was the time and place in my life that I cannot revisit, not the location
so maybe that's what I feel in my chest, a longing for something that once was and can never be again
and even more than that, the hollow shallow breath is the fear of losing even just one of those memories, lost to time, to unconnected friends, to the country and family I left with tears in my eyes and cries in my chest when riding one last time to the plaza

The time period between being awake and being asleep
This mystical place that so little beings remember:

It's the place that I could live in for the rest of my life
For it is neither reality or a dream
A time that is neither dark nor light
Neither good or bad
The world of in between
Everything is neutral
It is the world of calmness
Nothing to worry
Nothing to be afraid of

It's the only place I can find solace
The place without sadness and loneliness
But also free of the nightmares
Undisturbed by the morbid images my mind creates
And untouched by the anxiety, loneliness, and pain of this cruel world
A place where no person can take me away from
A place where no creature can lay a claw on me
Gates between consciousness and unconsciousness
Guard this place of sanctuary

I would like to stay here,
This, I would want to make my home
But waking is too demanding
And sleeping is too necessary

I wish my home would be Hypnagogia
A place where you never sleep
You never wake
And you never dream

i should have never left that place
that place where i didn't feel so abandoned
yet what hell i lived despite the good
and what life i led despite its promise
i ****** up and had to go
my choice, my fault, and nothing more

Turn around and its always near
Shadows of a broken mirror
About, you face, or right behind
Having little faith in mind
You turn around and run to hide
From the silhouette inside
Jagged reflections start to overtake you
Fear, anger, and sadness are in its brew
And when it finally envelops you whole
All Hopes will force you to fall down that deep hole

Sitting
Waiting
Watching
The walls melt around me and I am left in its puddle of creamed colors
The floor is weak beneath me and it moans with threatening cries
This room I've built is falling apart
The only shelter around for miles is quickly being reduced to rubble
And all I can do is sit there
Waiting
Watching
For it crumble down once more

There once was girl
Who knew nothing but loneliness
She was a friend to all making her a friend to none
She cared for everyone but never showed out of fear of being broken
Yet again
She was in constant company but never felt it, on the inside
She loved people too quickly and too deeply, yet they never knew
She was silently being torn apart by people who never really knew her
Silently tears ran down her face so many times
In rooms where there was no compassion, no empathy
Her shoulders hunched, chest caving in, and face broken
Broken with confusion and pain and suffering
She believed that she was truly alone in this world
She never knew... she never knew how many people
How many people she meant the world to
How many people cried after they spoke to her about the deepness of the heart
How many people searched in so many places so that they might help this beautiful soul
How many people she had saved
She was blind
By self-loathing, self-doubt
She hated herself so much that she didn't even see the love people had for her

To find oneself is positive in society
But when I searched myself
I went too deep
And all I saw was darkness

Horrific and hellish
The internal warfare within
Created a hatred for the evil
And the people in this wretched world

To understand a monster
Are you not one yourself?
So I tortured with hate
The creature inside

A wish for its extinction
With no one to know
Until it was too late
The night of its death