A feeling so nothing but everything as well
seeps to your heart
then buries your lungs
making you fickle and pale

An emptiness so bare you can't even describe
of rotten smell
and nature's quell
only dust is left behind

A vacant stare
A man-set snare
A jet black mare
Sending you to slaughter

You feel like your ******* going insane
Lost all your marbles
Losing your mind
NO hope
No help
And you know you’re already too far gone to ever be saved
Saved by yourself, another person and even God Himself cannot save you from the fate that awaits because of course he already predestined this to all happen
And you can’t escape you cannot escape the inevitable
It’s impossible
And there’s going to come that day, it always appears in this spiral in hell
That day when its 4 o’clock in the morning and your holding a knife and a hand-full of pills, your knuckles bruised and you’re stained with *****,
You’ll see one thing in sight because this time its different
It’s just so different
And you’ll take the pills and slash your wrists and hang from a rope because you want to make sure that you succeed this time
I can see it how peaceful the bliss of coming home and escaping this hell we were all put on.
Of course I’m already dead I just need to dispose of this corpse roaming the earth taking up space just a waste in the middle of some people’s heaven

And here I am
Once again
Planning my destruction

Today I stop
I stop the medicine
I stop eating and drinking
I stop sleeping
I stop socializing
I stop lying to myself

And today I start
To cut
To purge
To drink
To lie
To cry
To write
To save

I start saving pills
To stop my chills

it was a long 2 hours of the homecoming dance
the sweaty bodies bobbing up and down
the yelling and singing ringing my ears

with the girls showing more and more skin throughout the night
begging for attention wherever they can find it
with whoever will give it to them
losing all dignity, drunk on ecstasy

where the boys sneak hits under the chaos
just to throw it on the concrete as they make their way to the car
to get behind the wheel or on top of a girl

while the rejects go outside
and the couples find a space
with the teachers watching on
with mind of safety, curiosity, or perversity

the pounding of the music sending shocks through my body
all i do is look on
to the things that most disgust me
to what I will not become

and i see this pattern that goes round and round
a dying world, a failing world
filled with the weak and void of the strong
i stare on in silence with the few by my side
watching humanity slip further from this dance

Why are the vast majority of poems about love
What, in this emotion, this feeling is so special, so unique
That whenever it is felt in the slightest a beautiful, elegant piece of work is created
To tell you the truth these types of writings I hate
I hate because I envy the happiness of it and even the sorrow without it
I believe them to be sappy fellows without any problems in the world
I presume that those who are in love think these to be the greatest writers
And I think those who write of pain, sorrow, and struggle to be the greatest
But the ones who feel opposite might suspect them to be miserable fellows rambling on and complaining about their sadness

So I guess it depends on your perception and your mood and situation to distinguish the truly talented
The ones to whom you can relate to and fully comprehend

Them: Depression feeds off all this isolation
Me: But what I do in it, is the only thing that delays my impulses

Them: Use coping skills.
Me: The only coping skills that work are the ones that destroy me

Them: You feel so lonely because you put up a wall and block people out
Me: I feel so lonely because people never approach me to see if I'm okay

Them: Don't think too much, it brings you down
Me: I can't help but think too much, my mind never turns off and the gears are always turning.

Them: Stop looking at violence
Me: But it helps with the anger inside my head

Them: Just keep having faith, having hope
Me: Faith is an illusion and hope is a lie

Them: You will make it through this and then you can live your life
Me: I will live through this until it will take my life

Them: You can never return to a memory, don't think of the past
Me: But memories are all I have that might bring me a small smile of happiness to my face

Them: I can help you, you just have to let me
Me: I have let you and your words depress me even more

Them: There is a point where we can't help you, you're going to have to save yourself.
Me: And that is why there was never hope

Them: You will live and have a better life soon
Me: I have lived and they all tell me you can't go back to memories

Them: You are alive
Me: I died far before they found me lying on the ground in the room

Its the haze of talking all around
The slow moving of the train and a push against your back
In the streets where the sun never shines
And the clouds touch the ground

Where all you wish is to get up
But you keep falling down
Fog's in your head
And mist films your eyes

The constant buzzing in your ears
The smell of rotten beer
Puffs of smoke dance about
The ache of your feet upon the ground

Open the door to your twelve by four
And it feels so frightening
Vision starts whitening

The silence is so loud
When your head isn't in the clouds

Room turns
Static sounds
Face burns
Back rounds

Surviving, is all this is

Legs wobbling
Black out
Mouth mumbling
Stomach, not proud

Living no life, trapped in these four walls

No eating
No drinking
No sleeping
No caring

Even when left, still captured within these four walls

Loneliness
Hopelessness

The only way out is through past experiences

Blades
Flames
Lids
Papers

Going through this, again, alone

Helplessness
Dauntlessness

So shall it end abandoned, neglected, isolated

Scared
Relieved
Prepared

Human connection was all that was needed

Key in ignition
Car in garage

So if someone you love has this look in their eyes

Slowly drifting to sleep
Slowly, a smile, spreads across
Fumes circle
Air's gone

Make sure they are comforted

Four walls cave in
Roof collapses
Doors blow out

Save them before they come to this state

Body still
At peace

Before they even think of such things

Asleep, forever
Serenity

Isn’t it utterly excruciating when you don’t want to be alone, but you have no choice?
No choice because no one will ever keep you company
And even those who try cannot suffice that whole in your heart

And that whole just keeps getting wider and wider the older you get
Until this heart hangs by one thread
Tearing, two parts
falling to the ground and shattering apart
Yea, we already past that point aren’t we?

my father was a *******
my mother, an angel

i heard his words
and cried with my brother

i listen to fights
and hid in the closet

my sister never spoke
and hung in the rafters

i cared too much
and showed too little

i am lost
i want mommie

but she flew so high
while father screamed below

Why I cast myself into torture for such ignorant reasons, I do not know
Maybe it is to feel something, anything other than the numb effect of a sedating medicine

Why I am my own worst enemy, I do not know
Maybe because I see the truth when I look in the mirror everyday

Why I fail at everything I try to accomplish, I do not know
Maybe because I am weak just as I was told

Why I constantly yearn to be alone, I do not know
Maybe it is because it is a predestination for all years ahead

I cannot recall the last time that I didn't feel completely alone
For once a human has fully submitted to death
Whether there is an after or a life after

It can never be a beating heart
A warm body
A breathing organism
Or a functional mind again

It floats in Elysium
Never living but never dying
Alone in the barren land