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navigating a conversation
is circumnavigating a globe
a lexical darkness invokes
an expected step in the stairs
that was never there to begin with
seemingly constructed soundly
its revolving linguistic doors
halt and close shut precisely
when an attempted entrance is made
an impossibly difficult rhythm to gauge
except it seems as though everyone else can
alien colloquialisms loom
as familiar judgements rise
surrounding clapperboards echo
as larynx follows suit
interests watered down
manufactured in plastic casing
arbitrary convoluted theorems
of etiquette and mind
as clear as matte black
and as legible as handwriting in transit
as pleasant as disease
yet as necessary as water
based on personal experience with social interaction as a person with autism.
orange tinted bottle
poses on its shelf
tick
tick
tick
autoplay
auto isolation
tick
tick
tick
dulce de psyche
locked in cylindrical plastic
across a carpeted sea
tick
tick
tick
existential
educational
static rooted legs
cowering elastic comforter
tick
tick
tick
cranial jolts crest
water not drunk
and it will remain
needs dip
jewel hovering over head shifts to crimson
"go here"
X
"go here"
X
the great salt lake
was formed in a bed bound state
notification reminds
yet opportune remains deceased
an eleven pm google doc
tick
tick
tick
next stop
early morning
based on experience with executive dysfunction.
Beyond the limitless barriers of one’s mind, all doubts fade
Whispers of divine power chant a cosmic tale.
In Eden’s embrace, guardian angles weave with grief
What shall be destined, despite ones mistaken belief.
But, oh to believe
Its reflection illuminates the beauty of the divine with a glance,
Pierces the heart while within lies a sacred trance.
A gift of oneness
A power unseen
There’s nothing that one cannot find within
Unlock your heart’s treasury to the world’s embrace
Cease the logic’s grip
Let in the cosmic whisper, with grace.
In the sea of consciousness, thoughts float like gentle waves
No one’s safe from its curse, but the ones rotting in graves
Don’t be fooled by its tender disguise
A weapon used by the wise, truth is all that it implies
An omen of nemesis, destroyer of all hopes
No one shall be safe from its dusky scopes
But in the realm of thoughts, free we stand
Bound not as slaves to its demanding hand.
In the realm of dreams, where stars align
Open thy heart, let love entwine
A miraculous dance, through time’s art
Unveiling wonders, a celestial chart.
Beneath the moon’s soft, silver gleam
Thy spirit soars, a radiant beam.
Embrace the whispers of the night,
A symphony of stars, filled with pure delight
In the open vastness of the skies,
Miraculous tales within thy eyes.
Let love’s embrace forever start,
A journey boundless, within thy heart.
In shadows deep, where echoes wane
Who said truth shall bare no pain?
A whispered prophecy, both dark and wise
Where truths unfold, beneath somber skies.
Yet within the agony, resilience reigns
Said the soul, as truth breaks unyielding chains.
For pain may carve a path unknown
Where seeds of strength are subtly sown.
Dive in, into the depths untold,
Where belief of the impossible shall unfold
All suffering shall fade, like evening hues
As thy soul submerges, all renewed.
In the quite current of solace and serenade,
Briefly lost, yet eternally remade.
Within troy, Avalon & Asphodel meadow
The Eden of unfulfilled fantasies shall emerge and grow
Buried under the weight of shadows deep,
Where faith once soared, doubt begins to creep.
Till when one ought to watch wisdom’s measured dance?
Unveil your essence to nature’s tender hands.
Ought we not give up to the stars’ gentle sway?
How shall we survive in a world all dim and gray?
Under the moon struck lea, hopelessness, a pain so deep
Autumn leaves rustle as Willows weep.
The hermit dives in, embarks on the quest
A journey unknown, where destiny will attest.
The chariot takes him high and above,
Alas! Shan’t you give in to the cosmic love?
Drink from the fountain of steadfast trust
As sprits applaud your celestial lust.
Reflects thy innocence, waning moon’s soft gloom
With a lifelike breeze, is destroyed an impending doom
Reach beyond what you see, a secret shall it remain
Truth unveiled, what the restless souls are ought to gain
Follow the footsteps, towards the foyer of memories
What you once owned, is once again regained with all its glories
What you see now, is redeemed in the prison of one’s mind
The borders all fade, the stars are aligned
A dream fortress,
A power divine
To its favor, all aspirants shall resign
Healer of the broken hearts, the persona non grata
In forests deep, where secrets hover
Mother nature's symphony,
Ever undercover.
As I think back on what took this squandered wanderer
To the nethermost pitfalls of hell,
Only the wickedness of mere existence can be adequate enough to delineate such misery.
A brute, stuck in a trap of one’s own making
With its stone walls, one’s lament echoes through the hallow chambers,
made of anguish & possibilities.
Shadows of what has been and what could’ve been,
Dance around to the cacophony of ones regret.
But what took this wretched man,
belonging to the heights of heaven,
into the nomad land of a melancholic sufferer?


Erstwhile, all pure and innocent with a fire,
Blazing bright with the desire to
Grasp and cling on to this abyss of dashing hopes
Called life.
In a realm where shadows sway in despair, and the air is filled with whispers of sorrow,
how can the flickering flame of one’s essence endure?
While Discovering peace within the realm of thoughts,
A journey embarked to the world concealed.
The path unknown, where mysteries abide
At the end of this journey

Was the triumph of knowing oneself.
He moveth upon the earth, through uncharted territories
Where spirits roam, and the monsters groan.
At the end of his path, shines a bright star, which he crawls to
His bright star blinks as it bespeaks eternal bliss
And the fire within him shines bright, beaming a lurid light
Both losing themselves to the rhythm of the universe
As the earth spins and spins in its cosmic loneliness.
The solitary nomad, crafting his own path in a realm shaped by the power divine
Moved in perfect synchrony with the universal

rhythm, while the flames of passion blazed inside him.
A budding sorcerer, weaving his artistry with the mystical alchemy of life.
With the ethereal melodies guiding his every step and the rhythm of life being his sanctuary,
He delved into the boundless opportunities that life had to offer, through his enchanting artistry.
He stood amidst the inky blackness, as it devoured him
The longing to know the unknown
And to know what detests to be known.
His fiery passion and his radiant guiding light,
Growing fainter with each passing moment.
The symphony of existence now reduced to a mere murmur


He had expanded the tapestry of the unknown to the edge of the world
And now he is a piece of the obscure, evading recognition.
Yet, how can a soul ensnared in the vast expanse of cosmic solitude,
a solitude it shares with the universe,
do anything but merge with the enigmatic essence of the divine?
A vast realm of endless possibilities and untold wonders
Makes one dance to the rhythm of
The almighty divinity,
A strict father, guiding the beloved child into the shadows,

And into the chaos of his own being.
Under the cloak that veils the world in mystery, where depths allure,
Subsume the unknown, while it beckons with a seductive luminance
bidding the conscience to explore,
To plunge within, seeking solace bright,
Amidst the darkness, finding pathways of light.
Hadrian Veska Aug 18
A faint feeling of deja vu
A feeling, that I've been here before
But did something different
Something better than what I managed

I reel in the waves of my own mind
Crashing in on themselves
A never-ending circular sea
Hurdling through the depths of space

After minutes spanning hours
I come back to myself
Or at least the one present here
Observing with a skewed awareness

A last rolling wave washed over me
Something calming and refreshing
With just the right amount of power
To firmly hold me yet not threaten me

And it was just that, I thought
I was only observing life
Present, yet a mere passerby
Even in my own actions

I was watching someone else's life unfold
From the first-person view
And lately I didn't like
The direction they were taking

For a moment I felt the warmth of the sun
If only briefly in my mind
As if for the very first time I noticed
The boundless vitality it possessed  

And indeed, I did possess it too
Viktoriia Aug 9
it's deafening to the point
of your own heartbeat
crashing against your eardrums,
a wasp nest inside your head
buzzing incessantly,
stepping into the spotlight
that you try to deny it,
but it pushes you into the dark instead.
it's maddening to the point
of no longer being able
to separate your own voice
from the crowd.
it's so ******* loud,
spreading, feeding off of your fear,
and you know, deep down,
that someday it just might win.
My fault,
And only my own.
That's what you say
In your dim dark tone.
I pick up the phone,
Shaking with rage.
You have my senses
Locked in a cage.
But I stay,
And fray,
For you know best.
Studying my words,
Like an upcoming test.
Taking my heart
To put it in rest.
And that is something,
I deeply detest.
Yet I still
Stay,

For my mind has reset.
Fahad shah Apr 28
And how does one ask for help? Or plead and not feel
Pity, shame? And does one ever grunt and say what one needs to say?
At some point in the yarn of the time, how does one
Look over one’s shoulder to reconcile,
How does one open a mouth to say
“I am lost. I think” But does one truly think,
Or act on the impulses.
Or calm oneself to ask. Ask!


And “When should I think?” I ask
“soon,” I say, “soon, on some wintery night,
When my windowpanes creak in the cold,
When my steel glass never gets warm,
I might think or ask, how does one not think?
and find a reason to reason with it;
The weary long journey, how it doesn’t end
And seems to start at every corner of the road”
“Perhaps, I shall shave my head
and wash my face with some fragrant soap
or trim my beard to look sharp and address it,
perhaps, soon!”
well, it sure has been a very long time. I think 5 years or so. Anyway, hello there!
What was the subject?”she asked.
“I scarcely know.
With Adam and Eve-que sais-je?

Was it a hymn to the beauty of the human form
Male and female, and the praise to nature, sublime, indifferent
Or maybe more naughty with lovely spirits, and cruel?
He extends his smile winkles and replies
It was strange and fantastic.
It was a vision of the beginnings of the world.
And the Garden of Eden that arrives to your dream often.

Yes, Beauty is the subject of my entire life,
She looked into his eyes and whispered: “especially with the painted trees”
I see about myself in every day, every season
the alligator pears, the lily plants, and whatever
with an awful sense of the infinity of space
and of the endlessness of time.

I am the subject of BEAUTY…
Commentary:

The question is, is beauty really only skin deep, or does an attractive face actually reflect underlying good qualities? I tried to reflect the stereotype that “beautiful is good” does hold.
When we saw a lady/man in the nakedness of his primeval instincts, and you were afraid, for you saw yourself. Beauty, Easy on the eyes = Easy on the Brain.
Heidi Werner Sep 2021
I imagine walking on a balance beam
I have only just gotten the hang of it
Before this moment I had always fallen off.
I know that I'm going to mess up
I keep telling myself
“its ok to mess up you’re still learning”
Yet I feel an overwhelming need
To be successful, just this once.
To complete my walk.
And I do, I complete the walk.
So, because things have gone well
I walk again, and I find success
I begin to trust my own two feet
I walk again and again and again
Each time I make it to the other end
Each time I become more prideful
This next time I move too quickly
I try to go faster, still making it
I stagger half-way through
But I think nothing of it
So I hasten my step
And I stagger again
But my mind blocks out
The possibility of falling.
I go faster and faster
Until I am at a full on sprint
No longer am I teetering
On this beam below my feet
I believe that I am perfect
No one can touch me
I believe that I am the best
And that no one else can go this fast
I am in competition with the entire world
I am in competition with only myself
Only myself
Myself
Me
Me
I am nothing
I am a fake
I am useless
I am ugly and worthless
And the exact opposite of perfect
I quickly mask these thoughts
Telling myself
“You can push through”
And for a time I do
I have boundless energy
I can run as fast as possible
I make it to the other end of the balance beam
Then suddenly an impulse
My body takes over
And without explanation
I am flying through the air
100 miles a minute
Crashing into a bottomless abyss
I lie still for a moment on the mat below
Looking up towards the beam
Where I once stood so proud
I pick myself up
I decide I am an elite gymnast
And I am an astronaut
I am a long distance runner
And a 5 star chef
And a doctor
And a bird
And a rock climber
And a rock
And a brilliant professor
And an angel
And a world renowned artist
And, and, and, and
I twirl around and dance
I sing to no one
I am an opera singer
I rush to the water fountain
It is Niagara Falls
Splash, “watch out, you’ll get wet”
I say this to an audience of no one
I am an actor on broadway
“Ain’t no one round here as good as me”
Then in my periphery
There are shadows
I cannot stop moving
Never stop moving
If I stop moving the shadows will crawl around me
Creeping in through my nose
My mouth and my ears
Telling me things I never want to hear
So I run
I run so hard and so fast
That I forget everything
I am existing inside each moment only
I don’t know where I am or where I am heading
but I continue to run
Until I am surrounded by trees
And I remember everything again
I remember the balance beam
Why did I leave the balance beam?
It felt natural and simple
to just walk
to just walk and stay balanced
Why am I in the woods?
And then the thoughts come
And the shadows come with them
So I climb a tree
In hopes that the shadows
Will pass quietly underneath
I am painfully quiet
But the thoughts are still here
I cannot hide
I cannot run
I cannot get away
They race in my brain
They course through my veins
They are evil thoughts
They taunt me, saying
“This world is without reason”
“Your life is pointless”
“You are crazy”
“You will never be anything”
“Jump! jump! jump!”
I am high up in this tree
I am safe from the shadows here
But the thoughts never leave
I cannot break free
So I give in
Maybe if I listen to them
I will release the pressure that builds inside me
Suddenly I am compelled
To leap from this tree branch to the next
I fling myself through the air
believing I will fly like a bird
Because the thoughts said I could
I black out as I fall back to the earth
Suddenly I am on the ground
Not even remotely sure
Of how I got here
I lie there for a few moments
And then out of the corner of my eye
I see the shadows
They move through the woods like smoke
Like a black fog
Like death creeping towards me
So I quickly pull myself to my feet
And I am in a full on sprint once more
I don’t know which direction I am headed
Or where I am
Or if I'm even running
And then it hits me
A car
I am on the highway
flying over the hood of a sedan
Crashing into the ground
My skin burns as it moves across the asphalt
I become a mound In the middle of the road
I imagine that I am a pile of dirt
I will not move
I will just do what dirt does
What does dirt do?
My body burns, my skin is on fire
Can dirt catch fire?
The world moves slow
Does dirt move faster than the world around it
Does dirt experience time differently?
Someone is talking to me
Which is absurd
Who talks to dirt?
Sirens crowd the traffic of my cochlear nerve
It is the only thing I can hear
My brain starts to malfunction
Like a computer flooded with a virus
I hear the siren repeat
It loses a note with each repetition
Until all I hear is one note
One note
I close my eyes
I am completely numb
Something in me knows I have to fight
“I've forgotten what I started fighting for”
I believe that if my eyes are closed
No time passes
I allow this break in time to go on
I need to separate myself from time for a moment
Allow myself to think
To reassess
To gather what has occurred
What has occurred?
Feeling a little panicked at the thought of not knowing
I open my eyes
I am in a room
I try to move
But my body won’t listen to my intentions
I look down and see metal rods sticking out of me
Now, I remember
I am a robot getting serviced
That’s all this is
It’s probably why I malfunctioned
No biggie
a robotic technician walks in
she asks me how I feel
I answer
“What an absurd question,
Robots do not feel”
She looks at me with kind eyes
“Ok, thanks for your input”
She leaves the room
Closing the door behind her
The darkness licks at the bottom of the door
It seeps through and envelopes the room
I cannot see
I hold my breath
I do not feel
I give up
The darkness begins to course through my veins
It twists through every corner of my being
Walking through the corridors of my body
Leaving menacing thoughts in its wake
Then, without warning
Everything becomes red
Red feels like pain
It tastes like needles
So I try to occupy my mind with things
Anything to distract me from the pain
I scream audibly
I scream a song
If Im singing I am distracted
“I'm a little teacup short and stout
Here is my handle here is my spout”

I imagine all this
Stuck inside my own mind
Making up foolish stories
But, this is what it's like
This is what it will become
This is what I will become
Bipolar seeps through my brain
Attaching old forgotten pathways
Lighting them all up at once
Then with similar speed
Making them all go dark
In and out, up and down
A never ending merry-go-round
But, somewhere in all this
Is me.
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