Maybe it’s because I felt I owed you something for giving me all that happiness,
For you to never slip my mind, though I’ve tried to drown you out.
Intoxicating thoughts of you lingered as the toxins took over my being.
As if your hands warmed up my body and heart once again.
My veins a map you sketched to life, but I’m merely a rough draft of the love I thought we were.
Though I gave you everything I was equipped to give, I still couldn’t make you whole, even as you left me empty.
Pieces of my heart were forged to make you anew, but it wasn’t enough.
And neither were you...
I settled into my sober thoughts, no longer drunk off fake love; fake words.
Affections molded to keep me quiet, this happiness I crave wasn’t true.
How could a heart truly love when it’s as cold as you?
A glass heart doesn’t beat, only breaks, as I do.
Yet I can’t seem to slip you out of my mind, by force or gentle persuasion.
I’m condemmed to this loop, hoping you share the same fate as I.
The shattered pieces that remain here hurt, I hope the ones you took do too.
We can bleed together, you and I. Maybe then I’d be enough for you.

Staring at the girl who used to be innocent and pure,
Now just a mannequin of hated nothingness.
Dressed in the color red, a representation of love,
Now representing only that of which she lost.
The tears running down a perfect porcelain face,
Smudged makeup smeared upon its appearance.

I am beginning to realize I was nothing more than a burden, a bother, a mirror reflection.
Mocking me as my world comes crashing down,
My heart now unknown and forgotten.
The perfect picture you painted me to be was not even me at all.
Dolling me up, and puppetting me around, to follow your every will and whim.
You pressed me into this mold of a person, you taught me who I should and shouldn’t be.
So now that you’re gone, which me, is me...?

I'm so tired of fighting the demons in my head, but how long will it take before I realize you're controlling them.

Cannot sleep, all these memories are haunting me; purple and blue, a gift from you.
Will they stay? When will they fade?
To die like the happiness that seems to have left me, oh so heavy.
Take this heart, stomp out all the little pieces you created, all the pieces that you hated.
Hide my face away from the hidden, show me only to the blind.
Trust is not something that is easily given, especially from this heart of mine.
Lying on the ground, where you struck me down; battered, betrayed, I pray for the day.
Someone save me, for I am too shattered to do so myself, someone save me from this life that is my hell.
Help.

Hope you didn't see,
The look in my eyes,
When I realized,
I was in love with another,
And no longer in love,
With the ocean that is you.

Carve the name of the one whose kiss has tainted you into your skin to relive the pain of the memory.
A reminder of how pathetic you were to think anything more could become of the two.
So you bleed and cry, grow exhausted and hungry, with each passing day wanting nothing more but the simple closure that you lost the second you let him in.

He was the one who held me in his arms while I was curled in on myself, weeping. Literally gripping my heart, trying to keep myself from completely falling apart. Watching it seep through my fingers like the sand in our lifespan hourglass. He was there to wipe away the tears that never stopped pouring. He was there when I believed myself to be utterly alone; at my worst when I was cruel to anything with a beating heart because I was oh so tired of mine getting broken.

If you burn our bridge, I will not waste the time or energy to build another. Goodbyes are forever.

We all have secrets that we wish to keep but let me take a moment of your time to tell you mine.
My skeletons are simple, they are the ***** laundry that piles all the way up to the top where I wish my esteem could be.
I barely have the energy to get out of bed, take a shower, eat, something.
I can hardly go about my day to day casual living, so the pile just keeps on building.
I push my skeletons away when company is coming, and only then am I aware of how bad it has gotten.
It's not just my skeletons that are gathering dust and withering away, no.
It is I, sitting there all full of decay in the middle of the day, wasting time being sad rather than happy.
It is I, becoming one with my skeletons, my fragile ribs poking through my paling skin.
It is I, laying in my bed wishing it were a coffin, as my laundry sits untouched in my closet,
Because we all know that's where skeletons like to hide.
Sitting inside your very flesh waiting for you to rot and die so they can finally be found and come alive.

What am I to you? If not a priority than what? A time filler, a toy to be played with, someone to occupy your company when you get lonely? I fear I’ll never truly know the answer, or maybe I’m scared to face the answer I’ve already been given. My brain constantly telling me I’m nothing but a waste of space, a piece of *** who was born for nothing more than your enjoyment and yours alone. The flickers of pain I feel are simply the cards I have been dealt, and there is no arguing with fate. A stake to the heart would hurt less than this poison you’ve spilled into my mouth by the presence of your tongue, is it love? It flows through my being with so much warmth I don’t think I’d be able to tell the difference. And how dare I care or feel anything that involves me, myself and I alone, when I’m only meant to feel for you. You remind me constantly of your needs and wants and put to shame my thoughts, how invalid they must be. You trace the scars on my body with your talons, never letting me forget how deeply you are attached to me. I’m tired of fighting a battle that simply cannot be won, of fighting the army that is you, and how much destruction you have caused in your wake. I’m tired, I’ll rip the white dress from my body and lay bare for you in surrender. It’s tattered pieces like a white flag waving.

Sometimes you have to put that mask of a smile upon your own face, you have to believe your own happiness.
But what is to happen to the scars you just can't seem to erase, that are supposed to make up who you really are.
Sometimes I day dream about the before. About how things were up until we were told who we are meant to be, how we are made to act.
Who each of us would be individually instead of which piece we play to make us all a whole.
But at the end of the day some things you just don't say, and I can't say I'm a believer or that I end my days on my knees to pray.
I don't really understand how our lives happen to go by so fast, no wonder we end our days out of breath.
Some of us are meant to be in the light of day, easy lives but easy prey.
And some of us are meant to stay in the shade, hard teachings to make us strong, but who the hell cares if we die one day anyway.
I can honestly say I don't know what I'm doing with my life or what my role is in the grand plan we all take a part in.
I can't say I enjoy putting on this front every day to just get by, by hey, it's great to be alive...

I just want everything to stop.
Including my heart.

I roasted marshmallows over our burning memories
The pictures caught fire like the love we once had.
I covered it in the only thing that tasted sweeter than you,
And smashed it between our opposite barriers.
I devoured our love in all it's sticky, false goodness...
And at the end of the day, it was the best smores I'd ever had.

The first time I blacked out I was with you.
I'd never drank in front of you before and I only had a few, but you brought me more.
My intentions were only to forget the **** going on inside of my head.
So three because twelve and the room began to spin,
But not at first.
At first I was light, my body was not my own, I felt this power and you called me beautiful.
I was in total control...
Then, I wasn't.
I laughed loudly and I shouted to speak,
I talked about nothing's and got caught up in the sheet.
I could not walk so I started to crawl, to check my phone, if I'd missed a call.
I started to repeat myself, over and over again.
You realized I was done for and took me to your bed instead.
You laid me down and cradled my face, you shook me to snap me out.
"I'm in control, I've got this, I'm in control, I've got this" repeating, pouring from my lips.
The lips you leaned down and tenderly kissed.
My mind reacted but my lips could not move, they kept talking about control and about you.
"You love him, but he doesn't love you, you love him, but he doesn't love you" repeating, flowing from my mouth.
You left the room, left me alone, you couldn't handle my doubt.
A whole hour later you came back to me, I was still talking, repeating, repeating.
"Nobody loves you, just die, nobody loves you, just die" catching on the breath that left as I spoke.
You sat next to me and on my words I began to choke.
You shook me really hard and smacked at my face lightly.
I came into consciousness and then fell into sleep silently.

I never imagined a love so passionate.
We would kiss each other endlessly every night.
You were everything I wanted, never needed to fight.
I never imagined a love so overpowering.
We stayed awake for hours just looking into each others eyes.
You were my wings and with you I could fly.
I never imagined a love so gentle.
We cuddled for hours under the blanket of stars.
You kissed my wrists and all my scars.
I never imagined a love so comfortable
We could talk to each other or watch the telly.
You even made breakfast to fill my belly.
I never imagined a love to challenging.
We bickered about bills and fought about time.
You made me feel like my loving you was a crime.
I never imagined a love so toxic.
We once were a spark that turned into a flame.
You burned me alive and handed me the blame.
I never imagined a love so lost.
We could never settle in one place in life.
You and I were bonded but I was cut off by your knife.
I never imagined a love so dead.
We saw each other sometimes but refused to even smile.
You tried to come over and say “hey it’s been awhile.”
I never imagined a love like this.
We started out strong but ended in fists.

I do care for you, something inside of me always always will. But I also resent you. We tried for years,  years and it has come to this. Strangers. We don’t act like friends, we don’t talk like friends, it’s like I was never even a blimp on your map, never a chapter in your book. Which is fine. But don’t you dare sit there and paint me black when I put up with years of sneaking around, years of lie after lie after lie. I’ve had to sit there, knowing the truth and have the one person I’m supposed to trust, the one person who is supposed to care for me look me in the eye and lie. You’ve crossed your heart on words of betrayal one too many times, and I’ve crossed our bridge and set it aflame in hopes of shedding the weight of our past. I know you never really loved me. You may care for me, but I was never your person. I never could manage to set your soul ablaze and light that fire in your eyes. But you’re not my person either, because if someone can consciously make the decision to do things they know will pain their partner, that’s not love. You stopped calling me beautiful, you stopped admiring, you stopped telling me you loved me all the time and stopped giving me the attention and affection that I so desperately needed. You stopped being my boyfriend a long time before we broke up, so don’t you dare sit there and paint me to be the villain because I tried. You may have broken me every time you lied to me but I will not let you break the little bit of trust for the world and sanity I have left. I’m nobodies victim. Not even yours.

It doesn't matter how many times you save me, if you only build me up to break me.

My relationship with you was like a plant,
That blossomed into a rose.
Beautiful from afar but if I got too close,
Held onto it a little too tight,
The thorns would hold on tighter,
Sink in deep within the skin.
The roots would grow, deeper and deeper.
Even when the roses had been cut from their stem,
The roots remained with me, deep within.
What once was beautiful, left behind a trail or scars.
Much like the rain hitting my window,
On the nights I miss you most.
They evaporate and fade,
much like the love you once had for me.
Once upon a time that ended in tragedy.

And I feel like a shadow following submissively a long.
Unnoticed.
I make no sound, only repeating the motions I have been equipped to follow.
My manual, just empty pages because I'm not even my own person or am I?
I have no story to tell, just watching, waiting for you to write so I can follow suit.
And I follow you, everywhere you go, but every time it gets a little dark in this room I disappear.
Because you no longer need me, you no longer want me.
You just want sleep.
So I leave you to dream those dreams and I simply blend into the background.
You never notice when I'm gone and hardly at all when I'm there.
It hurts my feeling, or are these feelings yours?
The only difference is you shine bright and I don't shine at all.
You lead I follow.
And even if I wanted to lead I’d always end up falling behind again because I'm just a shadow, and shadows don't get to lead.
Am I your shadow?

Because I don't want to be...

She was just a girl whose eyes were constantly filled with the darkness that ate holes in her soul.

I am the pen that is out of ink.
I am the gum that has lost its flavor.
I am a car that is low on fuel.
I am a Barbie with matted up hair.
I am the spoiled milk in your fridge.
I am the unexpected rain on a sunny day.
I am the stain on your favorite shirt.
I am useless.
I am undesirable.
I am an inconvenience.
I am a mess.
I am forgotten.
I am unwanted.
I am a burden.

Last night I had a dream that I saw you, standing amongst a crowd of people whom I could not identify. You were leaning against a wall like all those cool kids used to do in the movies and you were talking intensely with someone else, you didn’t notice me.
I walked right up to you and wrapped my frail arms around you in an embrace. I didn’t have to say anything, I just marched right up to you mid sentence and hugged you, burying my face into the scent of your old leather jacket. You wrapped your arms around me and the people around us disappeared and we just stood there, no words needed because all I needed was your warmth. The warmth I haven’t felt in months.
When we let go, I asked you if we could go down to the pond, sit in our old spot and make fun of the people passing by. But before you could respond I woke up.
They say that when you dream of someone they are either your biggest fear or your greatest desire. And I know it’s strange but I’m still trying to figure out which one you are. And as much as I miss you we were always meant to fall apart because I loved you more than I could ever love myself and if that’s not destruction I don’t know what is but at the same time you were my breath, my heartbeat and let me tell you you’re not really living when those get taken away. I don’t know when I’ll stop missing you. But I know it won’t be soon.

When you leave I'll cry myself a river and drown in it, I promise. Because never again will I build a bridge to cross it, they always burn...

I was never the popular girl, the girl with the best hair or best eyes. I was never the girl that boys looked at and thought "wow". I was never the girl in the first or last row of the class. I was never the girl to speak up when she was being picked on.  I was never the girl with a ton of friends, who went to parties and got high. No, never. I was the girl who found herself on the outside of the crowds, but let me tell you this, it was beautiful outside not a cloud in sight. My hair was the color of the ocean, the color of a lilac field and freshly cut grass. My eyes were a storm that never ended, the boys never thought "wow", but you know what? Sense when do boys allow a girl to feel beautiful? In class i was always in the middle row because that's where i felt I was in life, stuck in the middle, in the grey. Even though I never spoke up when I was the victim I never once hesitated when it came to someone else in destress. No, I didn't have a ton of friends. But that's okay because with the few I did have, we've made some pretty great memories. Partying? Never been my thing. I was the girl who found herself in lyrics of a song, the girl who read books because loving the boys in them was easier than loving the ones in real life. I was the girl who wrote her every thought down on a piece of paper only to tear it up so no one would know them. And even though I'm not the same girl I used to be...a part of her still lives within me. You never truly outgrow the person you were but you will grow.

For every shooting star I see I wish you felt the same about me.

Nobody can hate me more than I hate myself so say what you have to say. Just understand this, if you tell a fat girl she's fat and she already knows, why tell her again and make her feel worse? If you tell a suicidal girl to **** herself, she just might. Words trigger actions, and words are beautiful. So don't use them to hurt people.

It's not worth it, but you are worth everything.

I love you so much. And I wish more than anything I could put into words just how much, but words just are never enough. I think of writing about your eyes, the shifting colors of a deep sea with drowning stars that twinkle when your looking at me. I think to put into words the way your laugh plays my favorite songs, how I wake up every morning longing to see that smile, the one you made special for me. I think to write about the sandy landscape of your waves that fall perfectly around that face I so much adore. I think to write about the edges and hollows of your body and the way I love to trace my fingers along it, in fear I'll one day forget it's perfection. The way I feel when you touch me, when I no longer have a care about the outside world but rather the world we have created inside our small apartment, together. You are more a poem than anyone could ever write. Please stay forever by my side so I can love you every day of this life.

I can still feel your hands on me,
The way they took, the way they gripped at my skin until I screamed.
You liked hearing me scream but you held a hand over my mouth just in case there were ears nearby.
You bruised my lips with how hard you held my face in place, I could barely breath.
Your hands they took, savagely, selfishly
Your eyes trailed my body with a tenderness that you couldn't possibly possess.
They humiliated me, for I was open, helpless.
Weak.
You took and took, and you ******* took!
I cried, I kicked, I begged, but you were all about finishing what you started.
I can feel your hands, everyone who has ever touched me has your hands.
I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying, somebody help me, please stop, no more!
I want to feel pretty but not like this.
I flinch at the unexpected embraces.
I awaken in fright when I should be at peace in the night.
You took.
And you couldn't even look me in the eyes because you knew.
You knew
...
But you still took.