I am a brainwashed, pompous, white girl.
I am a blonde haired zombie.
I am an unspecified music genre.
I am an incoherent thought in the brain of a broken society.

I am the result of a hard-*** Catholic and half-*** Baptist.
I am the consequence of a hard mother and an absent father
I am a product of a corrupted America.
I am a privileged white statistic.

I constantly play the victim.
I constantly hold myself responsible.
I constantly lie, cheat, and steal
I constantly prove I am a hypocrite.

I am simple, indecisive, and manipulative.
I am myself and then contradict myself by being someone else.
I am human, but unadorned.

I am a blank canvas which manifests contradictions and inabilities.
I am a snowflake made of stone.
I am an uninterested, direct line of truth spurts

I am plain.
As you see from my complexion, I am pale.
As you hear from my words, I am a refutation of minority.

I am not unique, I am not creative.
I am not what you think I am.
I am not who you think I am.

But if you knew who I was:
Would you leave?

I once knew a man, he was married to a poet.
He would complain she never remembered to visit her mother.
She never remembered his allergies or his favorite color.
She never remembered to pay the phone bill or to wash her clothes.
She never remembered to take her medicine or take a shower.
She never remembered to take the trash out or to go grocery shopping.

But he got sentimental and told me what she always remembered.

"She always remembered," he said, " what we did in our first date.
She remembers my favorite cologne and what type of detergent irritates my skin.
She remembers when I tell her I love her.
She never forgets to tell it back.
She never forgets to love everyone she meets, greets everyone with a smile and enthusiastic wave.
I guess she can't remember little things like my favorite color or what time she has to go to work.
But she always remembers the important things
And I guess that's all I could really ask for."

Cigarette smoke burns my throat
And the alcohol numbs my blood
but when I pick my razor up
I start slicing till I'm gone.
And when I'm tired
And when I'm done
I won't feel
A single one

Ode to the girl working 5pm-5am trying to earnot her living.
Ode to the girl who cares for a small cat in a dreary room that cost almost $300 a month to live in.
Ode to the girl who works herself dead, where her workplace is home and her body is rejecting food because sheshe too poor to eat now.

Yes, if you haven't gotten the message by now, it's about me.
For working so hard and being all I can be, I certainly don't give myself much credit.
I work over 55 hours a week, sometimes I get up into the 60s.
Yeah, I'll complain I'm tired or that I wanna go home.
But do you see me missing my shift?
I worked my *** off and got a promotion and all my family thinks is that it's not nearly good enough, because I work at Dominos.

So this is for me.
This is for me staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning just to get up at 10am to play with my cat and feed her.
Staying up again until 5am the next morning, continuously only running on 4 or 5 hours of sleep.
I get less sleep than a college student.
And for once
I'm gonna tell myself good job
Because I live on my own, I pay my own bills.
I just bought my own car and I just might get a second job
All this for myself,
And ****

I'm so proud

Maybe one day, we'll look up at the sky,
And we'll think about how, once, we weren't in love,
And we'll say we wasted our time,
On people who weren't pure enough,
To love our true forms.

There comes a point when my insomnia and depression play with one another.
It's a moment where I lay in the darkness and contemplate and wait for sleep that never comes
I'll sit and wait and close my eyes in attempts to dream
But my efforts bare no fruit, so I abort them.
Just like how I aborted you.
Our relationship was toxic and so we're we to each other
It was a matter of time before it pulled me under
But now I'm paralyzed at the thought of you
And our supposed to be 2 year anniversary leaves me sad and feeling lonely
Though I'm not. He's an hour away
I need him to keep you away
You've interupted my thought process and I can't help but notice
How you've manipulated my body into wanting you.
But my brain and heart know better and they stay away
They put up their walls and nothing will ever escape.
That is until the time I see you again
And I feel like crying because you're no longer my friend
But that's okay, time heals all wounds
Well youd think but, I'm not amused.
So I'll just lay here crying and wondering what to do
And asking myself how
The **** can I get over you?

Years from now I'll go back to this time
Where I went to a funeral and touched the hands of a dead man
And I'll remember the voice of the man who passed
And I'll remember how the cold of his hand stained my mind with thoughts of distress
I'll remember how he used to be
And I'll remember my final memory
Of a wax-looking figure colder than ice.

Maybe I shouldn't have reached out with my heart in my hand
In hope that my warmth would bring him back
Maybe then I wouldn't have hurt so much
When I touched a dead man's hand

Hello?
Can you hear me?
I've been locked inside my head so long I can just barely whisper
That you've hurt me, broken me
That my wounds have been reopened by just the sound of your name
Whispered on the wisps of wind on my lips because they miss forming those letters

Hello?
Are you listening?
Are you checking your phone hoping you have a missed call from me
A voice-mail you can listen to over and over because you know I'll always leave one so you can hear the hole in my lungs where your name used to rest

Hello?
Do you even care?
Have you even thought of me or even asked how I was doing
We ended so abruptly that the scars on my wrists have been torn open and someone in your family rubbed salt into them so deep they just continues to ache
Ache for you to clean them and nurse them like you used to

Hello?
Can you see me?
Can you see me on the road going on without you
Can you see me getting stronger and learning to be my own person again
Because you stole the very thing that made me who I was
My soul

Hello?
Is this you?
Is this the monster you have turned into or the shell of who you used to be
Its okay none of it matters anyway, I just need you to know
You still mean nothing to me

I've never been kissed in the rain until your lips found mine in that muddy water.
I've never kissed a bottle until the day you left me drawing within one.
I've never kissed you with a lie, yet you kissed me with the lie "I love you"

Never tell me of my imperfections.
For it is my imperfections that make me who i am.

Dont make fun of the way i scratch my nose or wiggle my toes.
The idiosyncrasies i have make me what i am and what i will become.

Or rather who I will become.
Because I am not a what or will or whim or a dream.
I am a human just being in time and space.

Flittering around on a pinpoint of a globe I call home because I don't know what else to do with my existence.

I didnt come out of the womb knowing exactly what i would do one day.
Nor did I come knowing of all the lives I would impact upon.
I didnt come knowing who i am and how my personality would affect My lifespan.

I came out with sparkles in my eyes and a hunger to prove i belong in a society that doesn't want to approve of anyone in the first place.

They say that all little white girls like me are privileged.
Though they know everyone has a different struggle.
Society is a hypocrite.

One second it'll say that people like me are accepted.
The cracked, the gay, the rebel.
But then it's confused.
Because I'm pale white with blonde hair and blue eyes.
How could this mixture even be?

I dyed my hair when I was young because I was tired of being called ditzy.
I wore colored contacts because I thought my eyes were to bright for such a somber world.
It wasn't until I was older.

It wasn't until I was wiser.
That I realized that there is no such thing as society.
The brain is so complex and we are all so focused on fitting in that we created an invisible standard for ourselves.

Blacks are "ghetto"
Whites are "privlaged"
And every other racial color is bled from the picture.
Society,
This invisible standard,
Started hounding me from a young age, telling me my thighs and arms were always to big.

Or that I was less because I didn't wear makeup everyday like every other 15 year old trying to fit in.
The invisible standard would cut me down until I cut myself open at the seams.
Bleeding onto the pages of textbooks and papers that I need to "get somewhere" in life.

Bleeding onto those job applications that say that you need experience to earn the experience to get experience for the job that you need to pay for the student loans you had to get in order to earn that degree to get the job.

The invisible standard tells me that little pale skined, blonde haired, blue eyed girls like me who can't handle their ***** need to always look over their shoulder otherwise I'll be taken or drugged or *****.

That all little girls fathers have to stand at the door holding a shotgun telling a boy that he's not good enough for her.

But why
Isn't that the question.
Why does the father have to hold the shotgun?
Can't he raise her well enough that she knows a healthy relationship from a harmful one?

Or can he raise her well enough to know if a boy is treating her right or wrong?

The invisible standard we have set for ourselves is telling each of us we don't belong in the world.
That all of these pale white girls with blonde hair and blue eyes are fragile

But at the same time they are the dumb ones.

Obviously if I was dumb I wouldn't be here.
If I was what society has called me out to be I wouldn't be over a piece of paper pouring words from my psyche onto it with such a force that shook the foundation of society itself.

Because that's the thing about this invisible standard.

There's nothing that you actually have to prove to it because it doesn't even exisit.

Love me, hate me, bleed me dry.
Kiss me, touch me, make me believe
In happy endings and meant-to-bes.
Push me, pull me, **** me softly.
Make me sober, make me salty.
Make me miss you, make me love you
Until there's nothing left
But endless packs of half-smoked cigarettes
And bottomless bottles of Hennesy on my lips.

Lost souls never make it home
They simply wonder for eternity

If souls were like weeds, mine would grow with yours
Theyd soar past the others like a plane taking off
Because that's how our love is.
Baby, I've never fallen so completely.
And not nearly this fast
But I can surely say
This is a love that will last

It's good for the bones to go somewhere new
Where the flowers don't greet you and you know no one around you.
Sometimes it's good to know where you stand
With the Gods, Goddesses, and the sand.

Moving on can be hard or it can be much fun
Depending on who's around you
You could be the one
Standing on mountain tops or shouting from the roof
Movement is good for the soul, if you would.

Give me your happiness, so I may increase it tenfold.
Give me your limits, so I can help push you past them and become stronger.
Give me your phone so when the enemy rings I can hang up and block them so you don’t have to.
Give me the nights where we just danced in the street to our favorite song.
Give me the mornings where I wake up before you just to see you so peaceful in your slumber.
Give me the sight of you taking off your makeup.
Give me the sight of your blue eyes in the pale moonlight.
Give me the love I know you have, but you won’t let anyone see.
Give me the 3am thoughts you can barely speak.
Give me your demons so they can play with mine and leave you alone for a night or two.
Give me your lungs so I can help them breathe.
Give me your mind so I can soothe your troubles.
Give me your hard nights and roughest times.
Give me your aching heart and let me repair it the only way I know how.
Give me the ability to give you my heart, because no one else has even bothered to try.
Give me your body to place on a thrown, because my darling that’s where someone like you belongs.

you know how at night
within the confounds of four walls and endless darkness
you find yourself making things up?
I do.
1) My father loves me.
2) I don't care what people think.
3) I hate you.
heh, yeah you see it too, right?
there's a list of three and none are true.
now if only I can figure out
how to not lie
And hate you

Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary.
I bet you thought I forgot, huh?
Well darling it's hard to forget someone
That has given me so much to remember
And I'm not talking about the good times.
I've been dreading today for days
I've been cying and screaming out your name and
I'm pretty sure my neighbors are tired of all my noise.
Trying to drown out my sorrows with chocolate and obnoxiously loud sad country songs but
I can't help but isolate myself,
Because since you arent here to do it for me,
I have to do it myself.
I've been a wreck the last week and a half
Crying on your birthday and even more as the days passed.
I've never been one to pine over a man,
But a man wouldn't have done me like that.
So after all we've been through
And all the tears I've cried,
I think I'm truly starting to get over you.
My depression took a vacation and I was finally able to get out of bed
I thought for a moment all the things you ever said
That "our love would last forever"
I guess forever never lasted long anyway
Because we went a year and 8 months before I decided to run away.

At first I didnt notice the date.
And when I did it was all but too late.
I cleaned my room for the first time since I moved,
I washed my sheets because somehow they've started to smell like you
I cleaned off my kitchen counters and sprayed fabreeze into the air.
I washed all my ***** dishes
I did two weeks of piled laundry
I took to the floor with a broom and a mop.
I sat and read for the first time in ages
I did all of these things and didn't cry today.
And I guess I'm truely getting over you
Because yesterday would have been our 2 year anniversary
And not once did I think of you.

What would you do if I said I missed you?
Would you laugh?
Cry?
Scream at me?
I wouldn't be surprised, honestly.
Nor would I blame you.
Because of all the people in the world, the world's biggest train wreck chose YOUR heart to shatter.
Not once.
Not twice.
Not even three times.
But four.
Over and over again.
If you wonder how someone could do that to someone, it's not because I wanted to.
It's not that I was waiting for you to fall in love with me for me to destroy you in a different way every time.
It's that even if I give my heart a thousand chances, it'll break itself a thousand times.
It's that I was and am confused by my mind enough to hurt those around me and for that I am sorry.
I don't think I could apologize enough for you to believe me for a fifth time,
because darling I'm the girl who cried wolf and I always will be.
I may want something but *******
I'm too scared to follow through with anything and I see that now.
Not saying I didn't see it before but oh god do I see it now.

And with my monologue complete for now I bid you farewell.
And I apologize that I'm such a train wreck.

Once you leave you may never return
For my heart has learned your scorn
And she wishes not to gaze upon your face
She does not wish you well or harm
But she will enlist you to her list of worn
Those who have belittled her and sought her anger
She is not the same as you found her.

I've never been one to take a punch without either dulling my senses or punching back
But this punch back feels wrong
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing
I'm drifting through life
The corridors of my heart have been empty for years and I don't know how to fill them anymore
From my father to my first love to you I've been abused
I've been bruised, talked down to, manipulated, and confused
And you did nothing but confuse and dull my senses as if there was something I was supposed to see and you blocked it from my view
I've never hated you, I can't find the time to
But between when you left me barely functioning and now I've learned to love you without being next to you
And hearing you hurt and holding back the pain in your voice broke me and I didn't know how to respond.
So when you told me not to speak to you
Not to tell you that I loved you
Not to tell you that I missed you
I decided that because I do love you I was going to respect your wishes.

I check your Facebook now and again
I make sure you're still posting on your instagram to make sure you're still breathing
If I could ask you how you were doing I would
But you don't want to hear from me, it hurts to much
And I keep fighting the urge because baby
You learned how to control me
And now I cannot free myself.

You said youd never leave me.
You said youd never dissapear.
You told me you would always stay right here.
But you lied, didnt you?
Made my friends heal all my wounds
You left, for what?
For someone who cant even take care of you?
For someone who would only use you?
Made alcohol into my bandaids,
Because you cant see the scars you left inside,
On my heart, in my mind
You left pieces of you behind and it makes me feel like i can hold on.
But why would i do that, when i can move on?
I can try and forget your name and fail as always
Because somehow
Youve poured your poison in my veins
The only way to get rid of you is to cut it out
But its gone into my heart and courses through my body with every rythmic beat and bump
Youre like taking a shot of *****
You remember that time you tried to drown yourself in it but it didnt work
Only landed you in the hospital for alcohol posioning
Alcohol at least helps numb the hurt as my heart continuse to pump your name throughout my system

Its not like my heart hasnt been broken before.
Whats one more time?
Cracks will always give way.
Just like how i will always run back to you
And history will always repeat itself.
And i will always end up
Broken

I'm sorry my darling
I think you're confused
You're not the **** that's attached to my shoes
For that is me and me alone
I get it I do
Don't worry I hate me too
I'm an idiot an *******
you name it I am
Not beautiful or sweet
Hell I'm not complete
Something inside me hurts and I can't stop it
Its beating like a drum and taking off like a rocket
I can't explain what's happening to me
I feel as if a runaway train caught up and
Decided its time for me to die
But I won't die until I see your smile
I'm sorry I broke it
Stick around a while
Not for me of course not
I'm the dust on your boot
The cap on your dash
I'm sorry this happened in the fashion it did
I'm lost I'm scared there's something within
Someone help me I've fallen again
Save me before I do something drastic.

Don't worry about me, baby.
Just let me drift in and out of consciousness like I tend to do.
Open your mind, see things as I do.
Let the darkness take its toll as the music begins to grow
Until you can't hear the voices inside you
As if you finally learned to close the door.

Oh darling don't mind me and my twisted thoughts
It's not like you bothered to check before
So I'll down this bottle of Crown alone
Just like the one I did 20 minutes ago
To get as far gone as I can
Maybe I'll call you and confess what I've always wanted to say
After all, sober thoughts have never really done me much good.

Downing bottle after bottle sounds more appealing
Than you telling me you don't love me anymore

Its times like this when i get home later than expected.
Hes sleeping peacefully,
But theres plenty to do:
Dishes
Litterboxes
Laundry
Sweeping
Mopping
Vaccuming
Cleanin­g my car
Sleeping
Bathing
Brushing my teeth
Existing
Smiling
Being Happy, or prentending to be
Be uncomortable in my own skin
Scratch my arm in hopes the skin starts peeling off
Man this list is too much for me
Im going to bed.

I cant stand to see you this way
From your drooping eyelids to this cold stare youve begun to wear

I dont know who you are anymore
Some stranger who just happens to know the dark secrets i behold

My anxiety for who you tell is higher than before you fell

At first i waited and watched to see
How you would handle yourself to some degree
But the longer i stare the longer i wonder if youre even in there

Has this cold persona kicked you out of your skin?
I wonder where you have gone, my old friend.

Once, I knew what I wanted, and it was you.
Now, you left and handed back my heart
But what you didn't notice
Was that I slipped it in your back pocket
When you walked away from me

Maybe one day soon,
I will cut my wrists wide open,
And find flowers growing in my veins.
Taking root deep within my heart,
Branching outward, trying to gouge out my eyes,
Curling around my eardrums,
Around my spine.
Blossoming in my temples,
And in my fingers.
Stems wrapping around my throat,
Making it hard to breathe.

With fuzzy vision, choking breathes, trembling hands,
Maybe i can manage to cut them out.
Carve up my hands until i can reach inside and rip them out.
Dig into my chest and tear them from the roots.
Maybe i can stop the pulsating, as the flowers try to make me beautiful
Try and make me like them
Try and **** me
Like we try to **** them

I haven't experienced true love, but I'm a fluent speaker of the tainted.
The kind of love where no matter what they throw at you you're still there because you have no place else to be.
The kind that my daddy taught me.
That if you love a woman then you harm her and her children.
See, I've never experienced true love,
And because I was raised in a home without it, I'm at a loss of how to find it.
I don't know how to go about finding the love I want: the kind of love where we can just talk about nothing for hours.
But I certainly know how to attract the poisoned love that my father injected into my veins.
I know how to find the abusers.
The detached.
The lonely.
And no matter what I say I can't fix them.
And I don't want to anymore
Because I'm standing in my meadow waiting for a prince who probably won't come,
Or rather,
I'm waiting on the peasent to prove to me I don't need the knight or the prince at all
Just that I need to drain the toxins from my mind and heart and find it in me to love the one who offers me nothing
But yet brings me everything,
In return for one thing:
Me

Just Remember youll never see the side of me that's broken
I can promise you right now with my hands on your form of the Bible that you'll only hear of it
You'll see it in my texts or hear it in my voice
If you get lucky you'll be able to read my body language and listen hard enough to the screaming within my brain and figure out I'm in distress
But other than this I'll never let you see ime broken
I'll ask for a favor I've never cashed in because I always want nothing know return
I'll ask you to pray to your God or goddess that keeps you well in mind and ask of them to watch over me
I'll ask you to give me the space to breathe and gather my thoughts before I make a major decision
I'll begin and plead for your forgiveness once that decision has been made because
I know it was the wrong one

Just remember you'll never see me broken
But you'll always hear about it
You'll hear about the scars on my wrists or the pains in my thoughts
You'll hear about the throbbing behind my eyes and the spot where between my brow wrinkles because suddenly, it's not because of a smile
Its because of tears
Just remember you'll never see me broken
Unless you walk in on me because I forgot to lock the door
Then maybe
You'll hear what my heart and head are screaming to say

Everytime I think my brain turns to you. And in turn my stomach churns hoping you’ll reply with an I miss you and a smile

Those who don't use chasers with *****
Have learned the sting of putrid love

Sometimes nothing feels right until you light a few cigarettes.

Sometimes you need that moment of silence when you feel your lungs fill with smoke

Sometimes you need to think about your life as you spend five minutes outside alone with your thoughts

Sometimes you just need a cigarette break

I've always wondered what it would be like
To go to sleep without the heavy weight of unwritten words on my tongue

I'm sorry I latched onto **you

I was awake swaying to the sounds
Of a sadness that I have always known
And as I sat there in stabbing silence
I could have swore I heard the creak
Of the floorboards screaming under a weight
As those approach me with sudden movements
I steadily drift off to my eternal sleep

You tattoo'd your thoughts onto your skin for me.
It never took much for you to give in.
For every question I asked of you, you gave me an answer.

From how your heart broke to how it was mended
From your one-night stands to your forever departed
You let me see all of you, from the second we said "I love you"

My thoughts are locked behind a fortified cement wall.
But someway, somehow, all you have to do is ask.
My heart has never been so fragile
Nor has it been so protected.

This is for you, baby.
You're my ride or die.
My 0 to 100.
You're the only one I trust enough
To read every one of my tattoo'd thoughts.

I am words written on blank paper,
The words are there but no-one can see them until they are spoken.
The girl in the back of the classroom, unnoticed
Until she can open her mouth wide enough to sing with the chorus.

I am the one they call afraid
When Destiny knocks at my door
I can't find the words to even begin to say
I'm just not yet ready
But once I am, my God, I'm unstopable.

Euphoria
Her definition was once "a state of intense happiness"
Now,
Her definition is "crying until God decides to numb your pain"

Who am I?
What have I done?
I don't understand this skin I'm in.
The arms and legs are scarred with varying straight lines.
The torso is wide and the knees wobble when I walk.
The feet turn in and it hurts to correct.
The thighs are to big to even fit.

Who am I?
What's been happening?
I don't understand this body I'm in.
It's always sick and the skin rips too easily.
The fingernails grow way to quickly and the eyes are too big.
The freckles are uneven and there are to many pimples to count.

Who am I?
Where have I been?
I don't understand this heart and mind I'm in.
There are dark corners and shallow hallways.
Doors stay shut and I'm rather afraid.
There's an air of sadness and anxiety now,
And I don't know why I suddenly feel so alone.
There are cracks in the wall and the foundation always quivers,
Its as if it's made of glass and paper.

This body I now occupy has obviously seen rough times
This skin has obviously been cut way to many times
And this mind and heart has been shattered and put together to many times and it's missing pieces.
But I know there is a soul somewhere inside here
Trapped in a paper wall and to malnurished to move.
So until she can be found I'll nurish her mind and heart with poetry and books so she can grow big and strong.
Maybe someday she'll be strong enough to break the wall and take her place.
Back at the thrown in the heart.
Shell finally be while again.

What does one do when they have no inspiration?
How does an artist stay an artist without a muse?
How does one lonely poet write her most beautiful piece yet without the heartbreak driving her nails?

How can a beauty stand alone,
No lover or wondering eye,
How can she love herself when no one is around to hold her up,
When she tears herself down?

When does inspiration strike?
Is it holding your lovers hand or avenging your fallen warrior?
Is it lying alone in a large unforgiving bed,
With the sounds of your sobs as your dying lullaby?

What is inspiration?
When does it strike?
Maybe at the end of this poem,
I'll find mine.

I would die a million deaths if it meant I got to hold you in my arms again.
If it meant I could smell your cologne, I'd stick my hand in a hornets nest.

I know we don't work.
Baby I know more than most
I know that I'll continue loving you no matter what.
No matter who says I'll get over it, I'll get better, I'll be happier without you
It's not true

For my heart has clung to you as I try to rip it out your grasp.
It's as if you decide to tug right when I decide I've won and stop fighting it.

You show up somewhere.
You show up in my dreams.
In my thoughts.
In my heartbeats.
You're there.
Just...being... you...

I catch myself from time to time
Not thinking about how bad you hurt me
But how well he treats me
And I think it's a pretty great improvement
From howling your name at 4am
Trying to not wake my roommates.

Once i knew a girl who would smile about the smallest things
Now she frowns and looks away
Thinking to herself "i have to much to do today"
For shes not alive in the city she loves
And shes torn between what her heart wants
And what her brain tells her

I always let the alcohol settle in my liver,
Before I let my guard down.
That way if drunk me does something horrible,
I don't have to remember it in the morning.