If you ever decide its time to leave me alone
Please take my hearts pieces when you go
Ill bury myself in brimstone and fire
Hopeing one day you'll return my desire.

When words fail me, turn me towards the skies.
Teach me to shine like the stars in the night
Maybe someday soon I'll bid you adue
Until such a time I'll rattle your cages and spit on your muse
I'll kick and scream and fight for eternity
Until such a time that I ponder your immunity.
Against an unholy guard and a trusted advisor
My love will be poisoned like the black nights armor.

Freedom* is something we don’t have anymore
Because within our own bodies,
We have become *slaves

What do you do when your veins throb to the sound of the clock ticking?
What do you say when words have no sound?
What do you mean when you say you want to end it all?
What does it mean to ponder your existance?

As if you never noticed your best friends eyes
Never saw how small her smiles are.
Never understood why she locks herself away
Never saw her beat herself ****** while crying his name

How could you miss the way he held your hand,
When ten minutes prior he was dragging you around?
Why do you remember the space between his eyes
And his mother's southern drawl
How could you forget how he touched you so roughly

What do you do when your veins thhrob to the sound of the clock ticking?
What do you say when words have no sound?
What do you do when youve stopped thinking,
And burn your soul to the ground?

I used to paint pretty pictures on my skin.
My brush collection was wide,
Filled with box cutter razors, the blades out of pencil sharpeners, and knives.
I used to melt my shaving razors and rip the blades from their homes,
Nessled them deep within my flesh to warm their steel bodies with my blood.

Am I painting pretty again, Mommy?
Am I making you proud yet, Grammy?
Looking into the glass windows of my home like they were funhouse mirrors,
Twisting and distorting my hourglass figure until I could no longer recognize my own skin.

I used to own a hall of mirrors.
Collected my demons behind the glass.
Big and small,
Tall and short,
Thick and thin,
Each mirror distorting your body image more than the last.

I used to collect knives.
Steak knives, butter knives, utility knives, butcher knives.
Each blade glistening with crimson.

Oh how I miss my children.

I bet you think it rude to speak of my past gory collections so fondly.
As if cutting myself open to let the bees rattling inside my veins free was the animal abuse.
Well I'll have you know I've finally set them all free.

Now my true healing may begin.

Now I collect flowers off the side of the road.
I collect feathers
I collect poems
I collect words
I collect men
And finally,
I collect myself

You never loved me
You were a selfish chain smoker
And I was simply
Just another pack of cigarettes

Have you ever seen them getting along without you and you just break a little?
Once they told you that they'd die without you and you believed them.
Being so manipulated into love, you believed them.
But there's that same part of you that always knew it would happen like this.
You were blind and you let **** slide when you should have held them accountable and left long ago.
Yet you stayed and waited.
You waited for them to realize they were hurting you.
Waiting to prove that your love was enough for them to realize.
Waiting.
And waiting.
But you've become so obsessed with the thought of someone just holding you in their arms like you mean the world
You forgot what being truely loved, felt like.
Honey, even after you found the strength to say it was over there's still that part of you that's still waiting for them.
And that's why when you see them smile in a photograph it hurts so much.
Because your waiting for them to beg at your feet for your forgiveness.
Because they became a part of who you were.
So you're still waiting.
You've moved on but a part of you is still waiting.
Preying on the fact that you were "the one" for them.

*******, you're delusinal.

She never thought she'd see sunrise

My poetry stopped being beautiful when you left me
It became a cold reminder of what used to be
Everything turned black and grey and everything bright withered.

And suddenly the colors started to bleed back into the frames of my mind when you showed up and I didnt know why

But the simple fact is that you put the sun in my sky and the moon in my night.

When I die, I ask of you to not burn me.
I ask you find me a plot of land to lay my head
For I have found love in the light of the sun.

When I die, I ask my funeral be an outdoors affair.
Sit me in my open casket and think of me fondly.
Do not cry, for you will disgrace me.

When I die, I ask the doors and windows of my home be opened for my soul to sore,
For I'm sure i was happy there, and there my spirit shall dwell

When I die, cover all the mirrors of my abode with fabrics,
So that my soul will find its way to the skies instead of being trapped behind glass.

I ask you all be merry and rejoice
For I know not where I shall be,
But my nomadic soul will be forever happy
When I no longer plagued by my hatred and insanity

When I die, i ask you still love me.

Don't you worry about me, my darling.
My mental health can wait.
The worst thing I can do in this state,
Is sit and contemplate how I've royally ******* you over in life.

I'm sorry I was such an awful person.
I've tried to grow and stretch my reasoning,
But as far as I can tell I can't shake who I am.

I'm sorry, I wish it would have worked out.
I wish friendship was an option, but
It seems none of your family want me around so,
I'll just pack up my things and go.

Don't worry I'll leave you alone.
I'll leave my key back under the mat at your door step.
Don't worry about changing the locks, I've deleted your address from my GPS.

But I don't think I'll be able to ever forget where your mother lived,
Or the layout of your home.
I don't think I'll be able to reminisce,
Without tasting your blood on my lips.

I guess it goes to show you can't just keep people in your life that don't want to stay.
You can't keep handing them your heart
Over and over again.
When you're broken and can't repare,
That's how you stay broken, right there.

You'll bleed on the floor and cry their name,
They hold the piece to save you from your pain.
But they threw it down when your back was turned and walked away.

I guess that's what you get,
For trying to sing a desperately, happy tune in the rain.

Once I show you the scars on my wrists,
Can I trust you with the wounds on my heart?
Once you see who I was,
Can you handle the person I will become?
Once you hold me in your arms,
Can you ever bare lay a hand on me?
Once you hear me cry,
Could you bare to be the reason for my tears?
Once you see me broken,
Could you piece me back together?

If you gave me a moment

I'd squander it

Telling you how awful I am

I know that the whole thing about love is it's who you miss at 2pm when you're busy, not 2am when you're lonely.
Baby it's 8:50pm and I'm as lonely as I've ever been.

I can't stand my friends when they're with their other, my love life is lived through them.
Its not that I want what they have,
Its that I want to feel warm arms around my body instead of the cold embrace of my AC.

It's that I want someone to run shivers down my back by placing their cold hands on my bare side and allow my body heat to warm them.
Its that I want to feel a deep passionate love.

Its that all it ever is is me and me alone.

Is that what you thought when I told you we were done?

Did you think to yourself "I hope you enjoy the cold arms of the lovers who don't actually love you?"
"You'll miss the way I looked at you"
"You'll miss the way I kissed you"
"You'll miss the way I loved you"

Did you think how happy you would be to see me so sad?
Because you know I can't help myself and I can't stay away from you,
Even if you're poison to my veins.

Did you, in after being months apart, me running to you, looking for shelter from the rain, have the joy in seeing my face twist in agony as you push me away?

Did you ask yourself if I ever loved you,
And convince yourself I didn't?
If leaving you twice times the same way was so simple so must the third
But darling I'm falling.

I'm falling into pits of my own darkness.

I saw a pencil sharpener and took out the blade.
I cleaned it and hid it and think about it every day.
And right after the thought of that I think of you and what you would say

You May not be my 2pm thought
But you're my thought at 9pm
When I tell my demons no
And throw my blade away.

Ive never understood why I think the way I do.
It wasn't until I opened up about it that my friend gave me clarity.
It wasn't until the words "existencial crisis" left her lips
That I understood these sudden feelings of why I was alive.
Why I do things I do.
Why I think what I think.
Why I think of every question in the world at one particular moment.
So I guess I have an extended crisis
Because I'm never not thinking the question
"Why?"

I never thought you'd treat me like I'm nothing.
Even when my sharp mouth would fire off, at least I'd always speak to you.
I've never ignored you for days on end and never once did I question you.
Now, I don't know how you feel.
I don't know where you are or what you're doing
I don't know who your with or who you're thinking about
And my god do I miss you and every inch of you
All I can think about is the spaces between your fingers which my hand fit perfectly.
The rhythm of our bodies in the night.
The way you would look at me,
You'd melt me with a glance and now,
I'm crying over you
And I miss you
Please
Come back to me

Mirrors will always tell you a harsh truth
Unless you're so broken inside that you make it worse in yourself

Nothing can be as deep
As a talk over a cigarette
And cup of coffee.

She had never felt closer to numbness
Than when that razor was against her skin
She had never felt closer to happiness
Than when she was by his side
Once he took her razors away
She had to find something else to lean on
He whispered "pick me, I'll never let you fall"
She hesitated
But then she fell in love

I've always been the girl to love
Someone whose heart beats counter-clockwise
Someone always living an hour behind or ahead
Never along for the ride
Just there to see it end.

I feel as if my poetry isn't mine anymore.
Every other stanza I spit out reminds me of the one that broke me, or glorifies the one who found me but,
Im still at a loss of how to find myself between the small spaces in my pages.
I can never keep my head ******* on straight enough to stop worrrying about one or the other
I can't just keep focused on my goal, there has to be something else, something bigger, waiting to be messed with when I get home.
Some kind of sectioned off drama or project to occupy my terrified mind and strangled heart.
But my projects either don't last long enough for me to find a new one
Or last too long and I simply get bored and throw it away.
See, that's why I can't have nice things.
Because either I'm to fragile to take care of the broken or too bulletproof to be sympathetic
And I can't help but smoke cigarette after cigarette wondering what would come next.
Which project will help me slip between the cracks again?
Which one can be the most self destructive without activly hurting myself or others?
I guess that too, has been lost in the spaces.

You can't expect me to just be okay.
Even when you twist my arms
My mind won't bend that way.

I waited for you to teach me everything you knew
But you kept me sheltered and lonely
Well he's got me thinking and answering questions
As if there's a test I need to pass and he wants me to succeed
It makes me think you never really cared
For me to learn all about you.

I've never loved myself more
Than I do without you next to me.
I don't feel shy or self conscious
I don't feel like I have to hide who I truly am
And i couldn't be happier to be done with you

The blood is drying underneath my nails
And it's dripping off your cheek
While you stare at me in shock
That I would do such a thing

She's beautiful
And I don't mean the kind of beauty where we judge your waist and breast size
I mean she's beautiful for the way she holds her head when the world is shutting down her brilliance
She's beautiful for the way her eyes sparkle when she has nothing to hide
She's even beautiful when her salty tears fall on pavement
Not no one will see her beauty the way I do.
The way when she wakes up and the first thing she does is let her hair down, and comb through it with her fingertips.
The way she will bring you to your knees with words
That's how she's beautiful
and how beautiful to me is she

Once, I told you goodbye.
It was bitter and **** and my mind would race
My heart would cry and try to keep pace
But every time i opened my eyes,
They would water and my soul would die.
I smoked a cigarette in memory of you,
Drank a bottle of ***** and ran away from it all through
Thick and thin I would still stay
But then I remembered I pushed you away

Once, I told you goodbye.
I cried and cried once I woke
Sobering me up was certainly no joke
And once my eyes rested on pictures of his smile
My heart couldn't help but palpitate for a while

I know it's my fault and I know I shouldn't cry
But I'm sorry he was my everything
And I just let it die.

You never told me goodbye.
I waited by the phone for hours upon hours
Waiting for just a simple word.
I wouldn't have cared if you said it,
In writing or in voice
But the fact you didn't speak at all
Makes me so weak
I cannot face reality

All I know is that I'll find you again
Whether it be at the bottom of a bottle
Or inside my own head
I'll cry for you
Until I'm dead

You made it hard to miss you.
And I mean that, you've burried your way into my soul and rotted it from the inside.
You drove me into my endless packs of cigarettes and the countless bottles of tequila.
And with every late night in a different bed, I would drink until I couldn't walk.
I'd guzzle the Jack Daniels.
I'd push the Bacardi down my throat.
I'd infuse the ***** with my brain.
I'd drip the Jose Cuervo into my veins.
Anything, just to feel that warmth in my cheeks again, because you took it all away.
You took my innocence, and I'm not the kind of girl who was all that innocent in the first place,
But I gave you every inch of my body and you threw me aside like trash.
Begging me to **** like I was a ******* that just clocked out of work.
I know with all my heart I hate you.
But why did you give me enough good times
To where I'd miss you?

There's this boy
Who I never knew his name
I used to be a ***** to him but,
He'd just laugh it all away

There's this boy
And he came with my friend to my home one day
He made me laugh,
Made me want him to stay

There's this boy
And we did intimate things
He said he felt a connection
My heart was in his strings

There's this boy
And one day
He said he needed me
That's when I said I'd stay

There's this boy
And he's pretty cute, you see
He's got a fighters heart
And eyes as soft as seas.

There's this boy
I never knew his name
But now I do
And I hope he stays.

Do you want to be with me?
Does the thought of having this baby scare you so much that you can't be patient with me?
Is it that we dont have ***?
Why is it when I speak you always get upset and say I'm trying to blame you when I'm just trying to talk?
Is it that I'm complaining too much?
Is it that I dont depend on you?
Is it that you want me to?

What do you want from me?
Do you want me to figure out a solution?
My solution is to just shut up and do whatever you want.
But you wont like that.
Neither will I.
Do you want me to visit at work everyday?
Ask where you are?
Be up your ***?
Do you want me to be fake?
Because that's what you're asking of me

I'm sorry
I can't live like that
Like this
Anymore
I'm done.

I’ve never been kissed in the rain, and I didnt understand the hype.
That is, until you threw me in the river and helped me down a bottle of Jack with the rainwater on your lips.
You gave me an eternity
In 8 months
And I thank you

Who am i to tell you who i am

For you are the force that keeps me awake at night

Trembling at the thought of eternity alone.

what if you wanted to be that girl for once?
the one with the cute engagement photos and beautiful ring
what if you wanted it all
but wont let yourself admit it

How were you able
To convince yourself
You're so good
When you were the monster
In all of my nightmares

How dare you tell me

That I was the problem.

I feel like falling apart.
As if the paint was peeling off the walls and showing me my true reality.
I dont know what else to do
This existentially crippling feeling makes me want to ***** the lunch i never ate
Wanting to grab a shotgun and point it to my brain
Maybe then, ill end the pain

If you catch me falling, I might fall for you.

And that moment I understood all
From my troubled past to my ultimate fall
I understood what had to be done
To save this little girl from a loaded gun

The future is a lie put in place by people who want to see us waste our time worrying about it

One day I believe I'll be what you want me to be
One day I think I'll do what you want me to
One day I wont **** up so much
One day I'll be worthy of you