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11.4k · Nov 2015
The Light of Bravery
V Nov 2015
Truly brave souls plunge into the dark-simply to learn how to find a way out.
6.2k · Jun 2017
Fat
V Jun 2017
Fat
Fat, fat, fat.
All I see is fat.
I am the "chunkiest", the "chubbiest", the "roundest" and the "ugly pig".
I might as well be a rat, the biggest of the big.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "just right", "average", "normal" or "perfect size."
They lie every single time, and hell, just 'like that'.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "too skinny!", "I wish I looked like you", "wow! Size zero jeans?!" and "underweight".
Yet, I refuse to touch this cold, stocked plate.

Fat, fat, fat,
All I see is fat.
I am "awful", "dying", Miss "eat something" and "throne of bones".
Yet, this body will never be my souls rightful home.

Fat, fat, fat.
All I ever will be is fat.
Even in a long gown and stuck to the end of an I.V pole,
With doctors and psychatrists and loved ones crying and begging me to just "recover, please come home!"

I am still fat.


The hospital bed is empty,
My bed is left untouched,
There is a silence as the wearers in black all sob and stare silently at the body in the ground.
Devasted and hushed...

I see them, but can no longer speak.
No longer able to feel, no longer live,
Forced to watch time pass and hearts mourn...
Their days now heartbroken and bleak.

My  best friend doesn't speak, she now sits alone,
My mother sobs every night, family reminded
so often of my presence,
The one who secrelty loved me has loved no more,
Even my pets still wait outside my door.

Those who knew me, only can remember me in the things left behind,
Even the sun itself rarely shines.


Dead, lost, gone.
I am no longer fat,
But I also no longer- belong.
Recovery is worth it. <3
2.5k · Aug 2017
Worth it?
V Aug 2017
Sometimes I wonder, how I will make it alone,
When all those in my life have refused to see what I have always shown?
The fact that I am ill, yes indeed it is true,
A mental illness chains me, physical illnesses too.

Depression has been a friend, for as long as I know,
Panic and anxiety, do you even need to be told?
Am I paranoid? Or is that what you want me to think?
In the next minute, I am dissociated, or cannot think.
I am over here and over there,
"Hello!" or "Goodbye",
What is seriously wrong with my mind?

Friends, they stay a distance, and I don't need them anyways,
Family? Forget it...
I lie and I lie.
I pretend that I feel nothing,
Nothing touches me,
But truth be told I am terrfied,
My heart, as if, bleeds.

Perhaps you've heard of Fibro,
Or IBS as well,
Maybe you know Chronic pain,
And a fatigue like hell.
Maybe your are familar with being in constant pain,
Maybe you know all the pills, over and over again.

"How can it be hard to get out of bed?"
"How hard can it be to ignore what's in your head?"
You won't understand, even though I've tried,
No I'm not special, especially when I'm chained to a bed.

I've been told I am older now, "Hurry up and get a job",
"You will be nothing when you get started and move on."
"Can't you just stop whining? Grow up and live life?
Can you just do something rather than sleeping and wasting time?"
"You worry about this, you cry about that, you want this but don't even try to relax."
"You are doing nothing but sitting around,
So what if you are sick? We all are, all year round."

I am the lazy, the black sheep the failure,
The worthless, dissapointment, the immature.
"I am the would have been, could have been, should have been, never was and never ever will be",
Did I really just quote a song? Indeed, I've felt what they really mean.

I am weak or stubborn, Ms. "why" and "Okay but how come?"
Believe me, there is no look or answer I've been given, that I have not sawn.


There is help out there, there are programs and places to go,
But who would want to love someone who struggles to get up and go?
Who may be sick for the rest of their lives,
Who doesn't even feel worthy of time?

People do what they have to, to go off and survive,
But the next time you want to go and ridicule someone,
Please know, they try...
To those who know the struggles of any sickness, ailment, disability, illness or struggle, you are never alone.
You ARE worthy,
You ARE stron
and in my own eyes?
You ARE so much more successful than anyone average who has never known a worse enough hell.
I love you.
<3
2.3k · Mar 2019
Overthinking
V Mar 2019
The art of creating problems that do not exist.
Been doing this a lot lately. ):
2.1k · Jun 2019
Healing
V Jun 2019
If you don't heal what hurt you,

You'll bleed on people who didn't cut you.
</3
2.0k · Dec 2017
Tide
V Dec 2017
Wear your scars like tattoos,
Let them remind you of the times you could've died,
But you learned to swim with the tide.
<3
1.8k · Aug 2020
Bulima
V Aug 2020
It was a little too late until I realized it was never about what I was eating...

But what was eating at me.
5 years from today still recovered! I still struggle, especially now after a recent trauma...but I have been staying strong all I can.
And its those moments of awakening in which inspired this simple excerpt that really have impacted me the most.
🙏
1.6k · Jan 2019
Pain
V Jan 2019
Hurt people,
Hurt people.
I often spend hours at night reflecting or having memories of past abuse and trauma. I am the type to see the level of pain in my abusers than evil. It makes me sad and often...
Has made me look crazy for giving them forgiveness and empathy from a lot of people.
No one is born evil, be it an illness, pain, or even trauma themselves...
I at least try to see some reality in it all.

I don't know, that's just me.
1.5k · Aug 2015
Vulpes Vulpes, Canis Lupus
V Aug 2015
There was once a fox, a fox whose name had gone unknown, but nevertheless was in truth all on its own.
With a pelt of fire and auburn, and eyes deep and serious,  it was no doubt why so many considered the fox "mysterious".
Yet, this tale is different, and I will tell you why, this fox was not like the rest, he sought to be like the wolves- twas' no lie.

He envied their beauty, their ability and strength, in fact his admiration went on to a fractured great length.
He would try to howl and change his stature- hell even his look, it was a matter of great indifference, but try as he might- no matter how long it took.

In time, after so much effort he took to the wolf, they welcomed him and never knew his story, pride and arrogance he was engulfed.
He followed and lived as one for the while he was deceived, but after all the time had past, disgust and mockery from all other animals was what he received.

It was only when the wolves outwitted him and made him a fool, that they chased him and slandered him, oh, the treatment had been cruel.
Now the fox understood why animals each held their own class and identity, when he realized then why he was meant to be.

A fox he was and would always stay, to the start of his life to the finish of his decay. Yet, he was reminded of why foxes were special, it was because they were no one else; it was stupid to compare, whether it be lion or mouse.  He saw beauty in an idol of its own, he became so mesmerized and driven, that even his heart he disowned. He saw no beauty in himself, when really all others did, that now his respect and dignity was so pitifully dead.

Though he admired the wolves and tried to seek them without end, let it be known fame and popularity is a horrid trend. So there are others greater and have more to do, but have you ever considered they may wish to be you?

Like the fox who wanted to be a wolf,  but in time fell too much in greed, be careful of the lies you choose to follow and take heed! Because not every beautiful face is as kind and free, be happy you are You and can declare "I am me."


A poem that had been in my heart for a long time, but took much time to understand it's true meaning as to why I was writing it-and how personally, it would mean to me.
I hope you find a meaning of your own as I did. <3
1.5k · Jan 2019
Self
V Jan 2019
As I was
f
a
l
l
I
n
g


a
p
a
r
t,
I came together
To the person
I had to become.
:)
1.4k · May 2020
COVID-19
V May 2020
"I went viral in 2020."

But there was no fame that I had gained.
Inspired off of a quote I saw that said "I went viral in 2020".
In the day and age now of memes,  I know it was made for laughs,
but it left me more contemplative than I suppose, and I figured I would put the reality into it, having lost two friends of mine to this.
.
.
Stay safe, you are in my prayers.
1.3k · Dec 2018
Voices
V Dec 2018
I have two people living within me,
Two shadows, follow me home,
Two voices screaming inside,
I don't know which one to call my own.
1.3k · Sep 2015
Scars
V Sep 2015
She leaves scars all over herself
To forget the ones that refuse to fade.*


Stay Strong In Times Of Darkness.
I love you.
1.2k · Oct 2017
Woe and Behold
V Oct 2017
Behold the man who terrfies with power,
Behold the man who can **** a king with his glower.
All hail the man who has it all,
All hail the man who cannot fall.

Woe to the man who fears judgement day,
He paces and turns the clock off in fear driven rage.
Woe to the man who hides his pills from the other "eyes",
He sits vengeful at his past, masking it with every lie.
Woe to the man who doesn't sleep at night,
For he regrets selling is soul, he doesn't sleep in fright.
Woe to the men who are evil, for deep down they do not know,
Their sickness has overcome them, they aren't aware they are suffering, barely able to crawl.

Behold the one who sees it all,
It is I, the lowly, the injured, the small.
Behold the one with the love for the wolves when the world does not,
I love what the world only wishes to die and rot.
The evil are not born evil, some this truth is no option,
For many, "Go to hell, you deserve no love, you are just a toxcin."
I have grown to love what you consider "wicked",
Despite my life, I am the victim.
I can only love and forgive, no hatred after all these years,
I still pray for them, behind my bruises, scars and tears.

We could both debate, argue and try to pursuade, but I care too much, I will not lie behind hate.
Perhaps a weakness, call me pathetic,
but I was sent to heal the broken,
Even if it makes me just as sick.

Without a cure, how can we heal?
Without a heaven, there is only hell.

I fear the day when I am free,
I fear the day this chord is broken,
Killing them from me.
What will be left is me the murderer,
Me to mourn their decay;
And what will be left is just a dream, a blurr.
A pain I cannot bare to think it,
I cannot stomach that, not even for a bit.

So, woe and behold,
The evil, the sick,
Whom society and the mind is their virus,
A good soul their antibiotic.
Survivor of SRA/CSA and multiple traumas.
To my abusers, whom I could never find it in my heart to harbour hatred and vengence, for doing so would keep me not only prisoner, but blind.
Despite all the pain they have given me and the freedom, innocence, and stabilty I may never have again, I have learned to love and understand their pain deep inside.
What has made them, them today...
What has destroyed them.
I hated seeing that pain.
I have done everything I could to be what I believed "a cure" for their troubled hearts.
Who knows if what I did found them.

It kills me still that I don't feel "sane" without them, as if I killed them by escaping because at one time they said "we were one".
Yes, I still deal with heavy Stockholm Syndrome, but for me, loving and forgiving is what I will never not do.

As said, no one is born evil,
No one is born with a black heart.
I wished society can understand this,
but there is nothing more I can do.

To all surviors of all trauma large or small, May peace, happiness and freedom forever be with you. <3
1.2k · Sep 2015
Suicide
V Sep 2015
Slit my wrists?
I won't.

Smoke cigarettes?
I don't.

Run away?
I can't.

Cry all night?
I have.

Think of dying?
I do.

Face the truth?
I did.

Suicide?
-Never.*


1.2k · Oct 2015
Trauma
V Oct 2015
Do you remember that young child so innocent and small?
Do you remember her laughing as she ran down our hall?
Do you remember that little girl with that big eyed smile?
Who saw happiness and sunlight in all that came?
I cannot remember her, in fact I have never seen her again.

She sits in a mirror young and small, but instead of running she's forced to crawl.
She cries and cries as she runs from the unknown,
I asked her once why she's so afraid and with a sad reply that answer was shown.

There stood a shadow, with blood on his hands,
Then to my horror I fell-I once knew this man.
Until then I realized I had lost my innocence to this game,
I was controlled by the trauma that made me forget my own name.*


Excerpt No. 8
1.2k · Sep 2019
It hurts...
V Sep 2019
I sat with my anger long enough,
Until it told me it's real name was grief.
.
.
.
1.2k · Jun 2019
"You are beautiful."
V Jun 2019
Confidence says: "Thank you!"

Arrogance says: "I know I am."
Learn the difference.
.
.
.
Stay humble. :)
1.1k · Apr 2018
P i e c e s
V Apr 2018
Even the planets aren't perfectly aligned,
How can you expect yourself to be?

Being in pieces doesn't make you any less beautiful.
2 AM thoughts.
V Sep 2015
And all the "I love you's"he said,

She knew would turn to "I loved you" one day.


1.1k · Dec 2017
Grave
V Dec 2017
I gave a part of me,
To everybody who needed it.
.
Now I am just a grave they keep digging deeper.*
.
1.0k · Oct 2015
Please Understand...
V Oct 2015
No amount of pills could ever "cure" me and no amount of doctors could truly know my pain,
Why I refuse to look in any mirror and why I sometimes almost go insane.

No therapy could ever make it "disappear" completely, or diagnosis try to "understand" me.

You see, I am not crazy or lost, I am not wanting "attention" or daft,
But I search for all that I've lost-
Freedom and memory, my smile and laugh.


Excerpt No. 5
1.0k · Feb 2018
Makeup
V Feb 2018
Paint,
For an already beautiful canvas.
We are not picture perfect, but we are still worth the picture in the end. <3

You are beautiful.
In being human, in being you.
1.0k · Sep 2017
Scars
V Sep 2017
Left over from the fear and pain, now the results across and all over my arms,
Oh, how on days that are the coldest, these scars have kept me warm.

Lines and lines of everything left unsaid,
From the deepest of emotions in turmoil, to the tears that soaked my bed.
A single blade to help me speak, to help me fight with insanity,
Who is it again now, that I am trying to free?

Maybe one day I won't have so many,
So many I cannot count,
Whoever is looking back in the mirror, is not me in a single doubt.
):
Relapsed.
941 · Sep 2015
Release
V Sep 2015
Spill* your emotions,

Or

Be prepared to drown in them.


Late night thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.
933 · Aug 2019
Promiscuity
V Aug 2019
All that money, and yet, still so cheap.
Based upon deep pain and resentment I have had forever regarding being cheated on and compared to *******/cam models.
.
.
Sad how loyalty is nothing but a casual game now and people only want/look for "temporary bliss"...but to each their own I suppose.
913 · Nov 2020
Prosper
V Nov 2020
When it seems like all hope may be lost,
Just remember that after the last fire burns out, the lands will blossom.
Unknown, old entry from years ago.
Make of it what you will.
910 · Mar 2018
RX Poetry
V Mar 2018
Poetry has always been the medicine for my tired, tormented head,
They tried to numb me away with many tiny pills, but "I'll be okay" I said.
With confusion, I knew none would understand,
What writing does for me, why typing or a pencil was more powerful than any drug induced trance.

When all has frightened me,
From voices, hallucinations, and death,
Writing is my heaven from the monsters who tell me:
"No one cares or loves you, just shut the hell up and go to bed."
My schizophrenia has been a horrible hell for me lately, and so has resurfacing trauma.
But needless, despite all my medications...
The power of writing anything has saved my life more than anything.
901 · Oct 2015
To be sick...
V Oct 2015
Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam, if you've been acquainted with benzodiazepines,
Then you will know the hassle that I hearby mean.
Names so crazy it's like they fit your mind,
Yet without them they can be so unkind.

Clonazepam, Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam,
Tiny little pills, oh how you can truly and seriously help me to heal!
Yet, you make us happy as we should be without you to feel,
Because I'd rather remember you as an old friend who was there for a while to keep me "still".

Clonazepam Lorazepam, Diazepam, Alprazolam...
I know it's hard to say goodbye,
So for now I'll just say "goodnight",
And maybe one day I'll see without you-
the true happiness of daylight.*


I hate the consistent need to feel "normal" with any medication. It such a pain when you go through deadly withdrawls too. :(
884 · Apr 2017
Endless Sleep
V Apr 2017
Here I am, lying on the floor,

I just can't go on like this no more.

From my wounds I'm crippled and weak,

From my pain I start to weep.

I feel the blood draining out of me,

All I want is for the pain to leave.

Let me sleep and never wake,

Save me from my wretched fate.

I should've known all along,

That this battle can't be won.

I've never been a hero, I am only me,

And that was never good enough to be.

But this suffering I shall not keep,

When I close my eyes for the endless sleep.
881 · Jul 2019
Kindness
V Jul 2019
Loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness.
Stay kind.
876 · Oct 2015
Reversal
V Oct 2015
"Happiness is wrong,
Sadness is right,
Healing is darkness,
And pain is the light.
To conquer pain is to add more,
On this you can be sure.
Love is hatred and cruel,
No one could ever love you- this world is dull."

If that is so, I would rather be killed saving lives,
Than live in peace within your twisted lies.


Excerpt No. 4
862 · Aug 2020
One Day
V Aug 2020
One day,
The poor will have nothing left to eat but the rich.
✊🏻
845 · Sep 2015
The Tale Of A Dead Man
V Sep 2015
A dead man once told me to open my mind to the pretend "fore soon they become real."
He told me to open my heart to the forgotten "fore they too have an appeal."

Upon the ghostly white face of that dead man, eyes of pure gold,
His white body stood tall and lanky, the touch of dead flesh grew cold.

I opened my mind and began to see clear reality,
My heart opened wide to find those forgotten knew the truth of actuality.

I asked him why he blessed me with this knowledge, wishing me off so well,
He told me how he had not know, causing him to fall to a death more unpleasant than Hell.

That somber dead man then fled to his grave,
Just as he vanished he whispered "Be brave."

I pass on this event to tell you all,
Open your mind and heart or soon you too shall fall.*


842 · Sep 2015
Nevermore, Nevertheless
V Sep 2015
They started with a love letter-

And ended with a suicide note*


841 · Apr 2017
WindSwept
V Apr 2017
I'm too much and not enough,
I'm nothing and I'm everything,
I sleep too little, wake too late,
And I dream too much, want too much, feel too much...
Or nothing at all.
I talk too much and I breathe too fast,
I can't take everything in as quickly as I should,
And I get attacked so fast,
It's like a fury , fresh,  fierce.
I am scarred by the sinews that bind me
And I am scared of
Myself.
829 · May 2019
Floral
V May 2019
Some people are flowers, meant to be loved from afar.

They shouldn't be plucked, just to die between your fingers.
(Personal vent)
824 · Aug 2015
No Time
V Aug 2015
I knelt to pray, but not for long,
I had much to do.
"Must hurry off and get to work,
For bills would soon be due!",

And so I said a hurried prayer,
Jumped up and off my knees,
My Christian duty now was done,
My soul could be at ease.

All through the day I had no time,
To speak a word of cheer;
No time to speak of the Kingdom to friends,
'They'd laugh at me', I feared.

No time, no time, so much to do,
That was my constant cry.
No time to give to those in need-

At last t'was time to die.

And when before Jehovah I came,
I stood with feeling of strife,
Within his hands he held a book-

It was the Book of Life.

God looked into his book and said:
"Your name I cannot find,
I once was going to write it down,
But never found the time."


Written from the inspiration of Matthew 24:14.
How important it is not to only "practice what you preach" but to take the time to really show your love for God.
Not just because people expected you to do as a true Christian, but because you wholeheartedly want to. <3
823 · Feb 2018
Sincerely, Me.
V Feb 2018
Dear you in the mirror,
I don't understand;
Why?

Sincerely,
Myself on the other side.
Struggles with BDD
810 · Sep 2015
Devotion
V Sep 2015
"Why do you love me?"

"I know no other way to exist.


Reasons are always simple, but worth so much. <3
789 · Mar 2017
Appreciation
V Mar 2017
The biggest mistake you can ever make is to walk away from the person who stood and waited for you.
To the people in my life who both walked away and to those who stayed-for many years.
781 · Jan 2016
Too Late
V Jan 2016
A body filled with nostalgia,
A heart filled with ache,
This is my karma,
For saying "I love you" too late.
772 · Sep 2015
Lamentation
V Sep 2015
Sorrowful mornings,
And lonely nights,
With windows closed,
And turned off lights.

Scarred wrists,
And swollen eyes,
Speaks a story,
With no surprise.

A dismal heart,
Needing its cure,
A lonely sea,
Needing its shore.


After all...we're all rivers searching for our shores . . .
761 · Nov 2016
Why?
V Nov 2016
Why am I me? I sometimes ask myself.

Why am I not somebody else?

I could have been anyone, anywhere.

So why am I me, why am I here?

I am who I am, but why?

Will I be someone else after I die?

Why do I look the way I do?

Why am I me and not you?

I am me, but why am I this way?

How come I am alive today?

From all the people I could be

Why am I exactly me?
Personal experience...
750 · Sep 2015
Paradeaux
V Sep 2015
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm asleep or awake,

My dreams are real and reality is fake.

What I think is real might be wrong,

Perhaps I've been deceived all along.

Maybe I'll wake up if this is a dream,

And realize that nothing is how it once seemed.

There are times when I just feel-

Like nothing in my life is real.

Perhaps I'll wake up after I die-

And see that my whole life was a lie.

Maybe not even reality is real,

Sometimes it seems abstract and surreal.

My life is terrible, too awful to be true,

So can it be real? I wish I knew.

This surreal life I can't escape,

What if I'm not even awake?

My whole life could be a dream,

Trapped in my mind, reality unseen.

If my life is a dream, don't wake me yet.

I want to live a life I'll never forget.
Living with dissociation, you begin to wonder...
About the things you have never dared to think of before. Both condemning and relieving.
724 · Nov 2015
Inner Soul
V Nov 2015
Do not bring your light into the dark.
It is not meant to be seen though;
It is meant to be felt through.
721 · Oct 2015
From a lost & blind heart
V Oct 2015
Shattered mind and stolen heart,
What you did was pull me a part.
From all that was and ever will be,
Not only did you govern my life but take my sight to see.
Throwing me back into the world, thinking I would be just another "machine",
I ran far away and found God within.
I now know men can be evil and often do cruel injustice to those blind,
You ask why I do what I do? Maybe because I believe in Freedom of mind.*


Another excerpt from my condemning past...
721 · Mar 2021
No more tears to waste...
V Mar 2021
Blood is thicker than water,
So I had no reason to cry over you any longer.
Simple and rather straightforward excerpt regarding how no matter how many fake friends (especially given this last year) had left, scammed, betrayed and hurt me or even how previous breakups have affected me, my family was always there in the end to help me recover and keep on trying once again.
🖤
I often struggle with being cynical and never seeking-fearing even- any outside relationship, friend or romantic, due to the fact of life that in the end, everyone always leaves or may hurt you-
But family, especially my mom, has always reminded me why it's always worth seeking and hoping for again and again and that absolutely no one is worth crying rivers over forever, especially if they never had for you. As well as knowing there are many others out there who are much more important and worthy to give your emotions and energy to, in my case, it is my family.
Take it as you will though. :)
719 · Dec 2018
Altruistic
V Dec 2018
Today, give a stranger one of your smiles,
It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.
709 · Jan 2018
Depression
V Jan 2018
It is truly a devastating thing to know that the sun rises every morning,
Only to wake up each time to see it set.
I am fighting suicidal thoughts daily.
Lately, nothing seems to help.
Not people, friends, professional help, medicines...
Or the relase found in poetry.

I haven't left the house (or even my bed really) for months.
I see no point.

Yet, still I write.
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