Simple and rather straightforward excerpt regarding how no matter how many fake friends (especially given this last year) had left, scammed, betrayed and hurt me or even how previous breakups have affected me, my family was always there in the end to help me recover and keep on trying once again.
🖤
I often struggle with being cynical and never seeking-fearing even- any outside relationship, friend or romantic, due to the fact of life that in the end, everyone always leaves or may hurt you-
But family, especially my mom, has always reminded me why it's always worth seeking and hoping for again and again and that absolutely no one is worth crying rivers over forever, especially if they never had for you. As well as knowing there are many others out there who are much more important and worthy to give your emotions and energy to, in my case, it is my family.
Take it as you will though. :)

"Depression notes"
Also perhaps a small vent to let out this hopelessness I have had lately.

Hang in there everyone.
🖤

Unknown, old entry from years ago.
Make of it what you will.

Tw: Suicide
💔
I Just lost a truly close friend of mine who committed suicide, the unfortunate thing is I have lost so many closest to me throughout my life, whether intentional, accidental or simply never knowing why...
They all seem to go, and not too sound too miserable/odd here, but I am now too numb to know what to do anymore...whenever things like this happen.
I feel alone and empty.
And even though my friend is gone, I still blame myself for not doing more...

To those who have come to know the detriment of grief,
I share, feel, hear and empathize with your pain, and I am here for you.
It is something one can never heal from entirely-even though they say "time will."
May your own strength carry on forever to those like myself who-as this community has helped me, help to comfort many missing parts through the power of words alone.

I love you, stay strong.
💗

I had to learn it the painful way....

💫

💔

An old entry in a journal I had years ago, figured I would post...
Simple and nothing special, rather basic honestly, but reflecting back, it hit something deep.

...

Wasn't sure how else to word this better, it just came from a painful place.

Keep fighting.
I'm trying.
.
.

For anyone out there who has suffered trauma of any magnitude.
Stay strong, courageous, growing and the remarkable person you are.
Your past does not control you, there is a reason it remains only in memory.
Keep fighting, I will always believe in you as you have me.
🖤


As you perceive the world, so it is.
Percieve it above your pain.
Keep the crown upon your head.

The pain of distance.
I miss your warmth, being held, your voice and security.
</3

I give too much, love too much, say too much, do too much...
...
I hardly know if that's more a blessing, or a curse.

Also given I also have D.I.D, I try my best to help others understand, just to feel not so alienated in life...
But often I still feel silent.

✊🏻

5 years from today still recovered! I still struggle, especially now after a recent trauma...but I have been staying strong all I can.
And its those moments of awakening in which inspired this simple excerpt that really have impacted me the most.
🙏

A reminder to myself. I am and have been 5 years clean.
Trauma has found me, and it's hard not to relapse...but I'm still fighting.

This is pretty simple, but it came to mind and still does whenever I feel the temptation rise.

So tired of 2020 already...

🖤

.
#blacklivesmatter
.
This is not to be said in ignorance towards many topics, but in the matter of empathy and being an advocate regarding many areas, some of them being equality/humanitarianism, the LGBTQ community, mental health awareness, etc.
🖤

#blacklivesmatter
✊🏻
No justice, no peace.
As someone who feels and is moved so deeply, I stand with every single one of you, even though my health is declining.
As a humanitarian and strong advocate, in times like this, your power inspires me and keeps me empowered.
Thank you, and stay safe.

Inspired off of a quote I saw that said "I went viral in 2020".
In the day and age now of memes,  I know it was made for laughs,
but it left me more contemplative than I suppose, and I figured I would put the reality into it, having lost two friends of mine to this.
.
.
Stay safe, you are in my prayers.

Relapsed since February.
I was recently sexually assaulted and faced many damages to my body that I cannot cope with and see as my new reality.
I often was too consumed to realize that now, going sober, that despite the illogical rationality that those pills were the only things that did not hurt, abuse, leave, or scare me., they were doing just that.
"They made me happy, gave me a new better world, energy and made me not have to see, hear and wake up and feel what I carried everyday."

But I would rather be human, than pretending to be one anymore.
I am tired, and as I write this these voices are killing me,
but it beats these ******* being my only company.

2020, the year I learn to put myself first and say "no."
For almost all of my life, I have always been a very giving person and I have never once regretted that. Though, I have felt the pain of being constantly used.
I always had this belief (and still fight it) that if I did not keep a routine of always giving people gifts, they would leave or be angry with me. Stupid, I know, but it's a struggle not always going to a store and thinking of THEM first and not yourself.
Sadly, in many cases, at the end of the day I was left with nothing and given my earnings to someone else.
Not that I don't love giving gifts, but its a bad habit I have and wanted to write about as a reminder to start thinking of myself for once because...maybe i deserve what I give to everyone else.

.
.
.
Not to be too "EdGy" here, but still in the process of healing and overcoming having left a severely abusive relationship.

.
.
.

✌

Based upon deep pain and resentment I have had forever regarding being cheated on and compared to *******/cam models.
.
.
Sad how loyalty is nothing but a casual game now and people only want/look for "temporary bliss"...but to each their own I suppose.

Stay kind.

</3

One of "those nights" in which I feared.
When you feel everything all at once as if it were the first time.

Why I love dogs so much. <3
Something random, casual and lighthearted.
Inspired off the quote:
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."

Past experience in toxic relationships.
Also with those who I call "ghosters" who only ever see it worth to talk to you when it's convenient for them and only ever are temporary people.

I have never been the person to give love to myself or put myself first.
Nor has it ever been me to love myself at all as much as I do the rest of the world.
Slowly, I am learning...
If not, co-existing into the home that is a body.

Random insomnia notes

...
Trying to hold on.

</3

Thought to reshare. (:

Learn the difference.
.
.
.
Stay humble. :)

Not sure what this is. Lol

12:30 AM

Recovery is always worth it.
Successes, big or small, will always be crowned in the end.
Never give up.

If you have a hard time believing you can do it, I will believe all of it for you. <3
You aren't alone, your strengths have given me my own. :)

(Personal vent)

At least for me anyways.

We found out my grandmother's cancer has just come back again and she has just started treatment and it's killing me having to see her go through it.
3-4 Years ago when she first had it, I wasn't made aware what was going on so I wasn't as present and didn't understand fully...
Now that I do, it is one of the most painful things I am going through.
I can't eat, sleep, think, focus and I am doing EVERYTHING that I can for her. Anything to be both a caregiver and a support as her granddaughter.
Yet, deep down I can't cope. It's an agony I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I am angry at everyone, yet at the same time I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to bother anyone. I feel terrible.
I don't know what to do...
But against all the dark thoughts I am fighting, she is the main reason I am staying strong.
I have been told that I am as much of her best "medicine" as she is for me, and that very idea alone, is what is keeping me here.

Other than that, I am lost.

</3

Been more and dissociative lately,
I hate the feeling of being able to look into a mirror, and not see yourself,
Or never feel at home inside your own skin.

Those moments in the middle of the night that come rushing back, warping reality...
Those will be my downfall.

I am always here for anyone. <3

</3

To anyone who needs a reminder that you are never alone and your silence doesn't have to be the end.
Many of us care and many will listen, for me I always will.
Also inspired by the quote ""Spill your emotions, or be prepared to drown in them."