If I fall,
I will just have to hope
That I land on the
Bounce houses
And loose feathers
From pillow fights
Of my childhood

Rather than the
Broken glass
And hard concrete
Of my future

It's odd

At first
We were simply polite

Then,
We were friends

Now,

We are sometimes
Children
And talk
Of petty things

We are sometimes
Adults
And talk
Of stress, sadness,
And other things
Not for children

We are sometimes
Encouraging
We will take turns
Telling the other
Why they need to live

But most of all
We are always
*Friends

I am the one who
Watches life fly by
Through tinted glass windows,
And wishes she could join in.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can see all,
But none can see in.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can scream till your voice breaks,
But none will ever hear.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can learn to play the games,
But never actually join in.

Through tinted glass windows,
You can fall in love,
But none will ever fall for you.

I used to love my
Tinted glass silence,
Tinted glass safety,
Tinted glass simplicity,

But now all I see is,
Tinted glass loneliness
Tinted glass sadness
Tinted glass boredom

This is what it is like
To watch life fly by
Through tinted glass windows,
While wishing you could join in.

I was feeling so trapped;
I wanted to die.
I locked all the doors,
Thought, "why even try?"

Yet soon I want out.
But I can't find the key.
So I break through the window,
I've escaped now you see?

Before I was born,
My mother wanted to name her child Kaitlyn
As the firstborn,
That should have been me

Kaitlyn was my mother's favorite name
But as soon as I was born
She looked at me
I just took one look
And realized,
I could never be her Kaitlyn

Three years later  she tried again
Now her Kaitlyn was born
A beautiful,
Happy,
Innocent little girl.

My mother calls me
"The trouble child"
I cause trouble
I am not good enough
I am not her Kaitlyn

Now I am named Nicole
My mother wanted her child to be Kaitlyn
She loved the name Kaitlyn
Was I not good enough?
Why was I not her Kaitlyn?

I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

I study
For hours
Then deny it
The next day
For only
The nerds
Study

I plan
My outfit
Each night
But it's carefully planned
To not look carefully planned,
So no one knows
It took effort

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

I give it my all
But all I get
For my efforts
Is a growing stack
Of mistakes
And errors

I'm beginning to think
It's not worth it

Maybe I should just
Shut up
And give up

Never bother anyone
With my words again

I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But I swear,
I'm trying

However,
I am close
To giving up

Mother oh mother,
When may I go?

Mother oh mother,
I'm locked all alone

Mother oh mother,
Why won't you unlock me?

Mother oh mother,
I'm dying inside

Mother oh mother,
When can I be free?

Mother oh mother,
You aren't my mother

Mother oh mother,
You're the witch in the tower

Witch oh witch
Why keep me here?

Witch oh witch,
Who are you really?

Witch oh witch,
I just realized--
You're me

Me oh me,
Why can't I be free?

I see it
Nearby

I see it
Swinging open

I stretch out a hand
Then let it fall

I lift my eyes
But rest my head

I know I should get up
I know I should go through
But I can't
I can't

I see it swinging
Wide
      Open

There is light through the door
But darkness in my heart

Deep in my soul
I ache

My mind sweetly whispers
Little lies, little secrets
(You won't make it)
(You're too weak)
(You're not worth it)

I lay for a moment
Watching the door
Then I close
My
Eyes

Goodbye, I whisper
Forever gone

Sometimes I hate self control

Why don't you just eat?
No
I can't

Why don't you just sleep?
No
I can't

Sometimes I need the self control

Why don't you just cut?
No
I can't

Why don't you just **** yourself?
No
I can't

Isn't it odd that
Self control
Both hurts
And helps me?

I'm sorry that I cry
And that I want to die

It's not like I asked to be this way
It's just who I am

I'm sorry that I lie
It's not like I try

It's only when I have to
To hold my cover

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

It's almost funny;

I performed one action
Metaphorically
And it made me want
To do the same thing physically;

*I fell off the cliff of despair

When I was younger,
I ran barefoot,
Innocent and happy.

As I got older,
I began wearing shoes,
Because that was 'cool'

They hurt my feet,
And killed my innocence.
They drew me to the edge of a cliff
And as I walked along it's edge,
I tripped over
A stupid shoelace,

And now I am falling,
Dreading hitting the ground,
All so I could be 'cool'

I'm fine, I say
My fingers crossed

No, really, I'll be
Okay
Truth is for weaklings, right?

Oh that scratch? I'm
Klutzy is all
A little lie is all
Y**eah, okay, maybe I'm not fine

When you found me there crying,
You said, "What can I do?
I said, "Weave me a rope,
Something to hold onto."

"Use a few strands of hope,
And a couple of joy.
A bundle of friendship,
And one strand of peace."

Yes,
Please weave me a rope,
And if it stays strong,
I can fall from the cliff,
But I will forever know;
*I will never fall.

Why do I not cry?
Tears are evidence of pain
You can't see my pain

So yes I do cry
You just do not look for pain
So you just see joy

I made myself
Shoot friends and family
In the head

I'm "dreaming" again

I felt myself
Begin to fall
Off the cliff

I'm "dreaming" again

I watched you
Slide the knife
Across my skin

I'm "dreaming" again

I feel your
Hands on
My body

I'm "dreaming" again

I run to
Save my sister
But am never there in time

I'm "dreaming" again

I lose myself
In a horrible
Maze if terror

I'm "dreaming" again

I keep myself
Awake all night
So I don't feel this

*The nightmares are back

They say crying releases toxins
From your brain.
That's what makes you feel better.
Well, as a walking poison,
I must need to keep those toxins.
Maybe if I hold them in,
My poison won't spread.

Or maybe,
My poison is a bomb.
Collecting those toxins,
Until
     It
         Explodes

And kills those closest to me.

So maybe the only way to save them,
Is to leave them.
But what if that kills me?
And then I explode.
My poison killing them then?

I guess my poison is uncontrollable,
Uncontainable.
But I suppose I'll keep trying anyway.

Everyone always says,
"Think outside the box."
But you built the box for a reason.
To keep what needs to stay inside,
Inside,
And what needs to stay outside,
Outside

When people so much as,
Take a board off their box,
And let what should stay inside,
Outside,
And what should stay outside,
Inside,
They talk about feelings,
And they speak the truth.
They are ridiculed,
And laughed at,
And hurt,
Again,
And again,
And again.

Until they build a better box,
To keep what should stay inside,
Inside,
And what should stay outside,
Outside

So how can you think outside the box,
When you know,
That the world will always just,
Force you to build a better box?

You and the leaves
Have many things in common.

You, like the leaves,
Were the oxygen in my world.

You, like the leaves,
Were once an innocent green.

You, like the leaves,
Turned vibrant colors as you died.

You, like the leaves,
Let go of the tree.

You, like the leaves,
Left me forever in the fall.

You and the leaves
Have many things in common.

If you ask how I'm feeling
Prepare for a long talk
But if you want the short version
Then I'll try to sum it up

How do I feel?

I feel like
I'm fighting a battle
With a billion moquitoes

One bite isn't a big deal
Neither is two

But I'm getting bombarded
Bite after
Bite after
Bite

I am surrounded by the enemy
And no matter how many I ****
There's another to take it's place

I can't escape
They're ******* the life out of me

Even if they don't **** me
They hurt
Like you wouldn't believe

So how do I feel?

Like I'm being attacked
By a billion mosquitoes

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think how humans have no roots
Nothing to hold us back, but nothing to save us
From life's trampling boots

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I wonder why they are weeds
Their only crime in life
Is to spread their lovely seeds

As I sit and watch the wildflowers
I think of all their trouble
We think of ways to **** them
All that should be left is ruin and rubble

I was told
That my pen
Seems to leak sadness

But this is not true

It is my soul,
Which leaks sadness

It is my mind
My heart
My arms
My legs
Which leak sadness

It is me,
Which leaks sadness

So do not blame my pen
It is me
Leaking sadness

Not the pen

It would make sense
If joy
Were toenails

Because
Joy is small
You don't really notice it
Until it's gone
The same is true of toenails

Also,
If you are hiking
Too long
And too hard
Your toenails
Will actually fall off

The same is true of joy

This is why,
It would make sense if
Joy were toenails

Usually my body and
My mind agree
It's just one thing

See,
My body is ugly
And so is my mind

My body is weak
And so is my mind

My body is sick
And so is my mind

However,
My body looks happy
And my mind is sad

That is where,
My body and my mind
Don't always agree

I love how easy
It is
To fake a smile
Online.

Put :),
And suddenly,
You are smiling.

Put lol,
And suddenly,
You are laughing.

Who cares if it is real,
It's so much easier to be fake.
So go ahead,
Put :)
Or lol,
Tell me when this makes you
Truly happy

I texted you.
You texted back.
I was so suprised,
I nearly dropped my phone.

Here's the problem though,
I tend to
Over analyze  
Over scrutinize
Over think

I must have apologized
For bothering you
Five
Ten
Twenty times

Plus,
It was me texting you
You never texted me.

And now I don't know what to think.
You make me happy
Honestly,
I think I like you

Which is a problem,
Because
If I like someone
It's usually time to
Push them away

But with you
I can't
I can't
I can't
And I don't know why

So if I'm bothering you,
I'm sorry

If I'm not.....
*Thank you

Ask anyone,
They have never seen me
Without bangs and a jacket

The bangs hide my face
So I don't have to face the world

They're not in style,
But I'm not in style,
So it's okay

I wear a jacket everyday
Even when I dress up
My arms are weak and scarred,
It's best to hide them

Both are insecurities,
I always get teased for them,
But I need them
To hide

I am far to insecure
To lose the safety
Of my bangs and jackets

Breathe in
Breathe out

I'm drowning
I can't think
I'm all alone

Breathe in
Breathe out

It's all darkness
The light fled
I'm blind and lost

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't move
I'm so tired
Everything is too fast

Breathe in
Breathe out

I can't go on
I don't want to live
I want it to stop

Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in
Breathe out


Breathe in....








Breathe out

Keep it under control
Tears in
Smile bright
Laugh loud
Shadows hidden

Keep it under control
You must be perfect
Do not slip up
Study hard
Help others
Never make a mistake

Keep it under control
Never let them see
Your pain
Your imperfections
Your exhaustion
The real you

Have you ever played
Green screen door?

Anything with
Double letters
Can go through

Anything without doubles
Stays behind

Sadness can go through
But joy stays

Depression may pass
But love may not go

Anxiety-attacks can go
But calm must stay

I can pass through
But my sister cannot

I think I see why

Yes, Doctor
First it hurt horribly
Unbearably

Then,
It swelled up
So I wrapped it tight
Till the swelling went down

Next,
The swelling was gone,
But it started to bruise
It turned bright colors; purple and red
So I iced it numb
Till I felt no more

Now,
The bruises aren't so bright
But the numbness went away
And back came the excruciating pain
So I took some medicine
To make things seem better

But Doctor,
Here's the thing:
I don't think it will get better

So Doctor,
Can you fix my soul?

Dear Mother,
I'm sorry I'm not enough
I'm sorry I'm not smart enough
Not pretty enough
Not talented enough
I'm sorry I'm not graceful
I'm sorry I'm sensitive
I'm sorry I'm not
The daughter you wanted

Dear Father,
I'm sorry I'm not enough
I'm sorry I'm not a boy
Not a basketball star
Not top of the class
Not strong enough
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I'm not a genius
I'm sorry I'm not
The child you wanted

Dear Sister,
I'm sorry I'm sad sometimes
I'm sorry I'm not the ideal big sister
Not very pretty
Not silly enough
Not open enough
I'm sorry you got stuck with me
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I'm not
The sister you wanted

Dear Neighbor,
I'm sorry I'm annoying
I'm sorry I'm not social enough
Not doing what you're doing
Not easily excited
Not happy enough
I'm sorry I'm the only one your age
I'm sorry I'm not athletic enough
I'm sorry I'm not
The neighbor you wanted

Dear Family,
You don't care
But I'm sorry
I'm not enough

Dear Friends,
You don't exist
But I'm sorry
I will never be enough

Dear world,
I'm sorry
I wasn't enough

So I'm leaving
*Goodbye

It used to be
That I would escape the world
Through sleep

Then the nightmares came
And now
I am not even allowed
That 'luxury'

By seven I knew I was different

By eight I thought I was weird

By nine I thought I was fat

By ten I thought I was ugly

By eleven I started to hate myself

By twelve I thought I shouldn't exist

By thirteen I wanted to die

By fourteen I began to selfharm

By fifteen I planned my death

By sixteen I was long gone

Can you still say you're lonely
When you're the one keeping others out?

Yeah I'm fine

I just tripped
Off a cliff

I'm just chipped
Into a million pieces

It's only a scratch
But I'm bleeding out

I'm fine as always
*Just dying inside

The laws of gravity are simple

What goes up
Must come down

But what goes down
*Keeps going down

I turned on the news today,
And realized
We live in a really ****** world

Four robberies
A ****
A ******

Oh hey look;
There's someone supporting cancer
Oh wait;
It's because their baby died

More robberies
A mugging
Child abuse

And I learned all this,
Before the first commercial break

This is what the news teaches kids:
We live in a really ****** world

Yet we wonder
*Why more kids are depressed

I may have held the gun
But I didn't pull the trigger

I may have tied the rope
But I didn't pull it tighter

I may have grasped the knife
But I didn't slice my flesh

I may have wanted to die
But it was you who did the killing

Watch & learn
See the sun?
It leaves each night
So the stars can shine
It is greater
More powerful
But it gives them a chance

Don't be greedy

Watch & Learn
See the moon?
It shines bright
Despite just reflecting the sun
It is beautiful
And has power
Yet it's a mere reflection

Take pride in yourself

Watch & Learn
You see the trees?
They lose their leaves each fall
Yet they're not sad
They are strong
And resilient
And they grow more leaves

Do not give up

Watch & Learn
Nature has the answers
If you only
Watch
And learn

If you asked me
To use one word to describe myself...

Well,
There are quite a few
Words to describe me

Sad is just one
Fake is another

I'm a liar, that's true
I'm naïve, that too

I'm pathetic, I know
I'm tense, don't go with the flow

I'm stupid and lazy
And probably crazy

I'm lost as can be
I'm ugly, you can see

I worry too much
And shy from kind touch

I'm frightened and scared
I'm sure no one's ever cared

But you asked for one word
Only one word

So my question for you is
What's a word for
The opposite of perfection?

Because that's your answer

Am I okay?

I cry every night,
And can't breathe most days.

I sometimes want to die,
And feel buried by all the lies.

I have a broken heart,
And trust issues.

But also,

I smile at the little things,
And laugh for no reason.

I have hope in my heart,
And light in my eyes.

I am getting stronger,
And I will keep trying.

So:
Am I okay?
No.

Will I be okay?
**Yes

I can ignore my demons all day,
But as soon as I climb into bed,
My monsters come out to play.

The rocks will wear away
Trees will burn to ash
Lakes will evaporate

Nothing stays

Buildings will deteriorate
Clouds will pass by
The tide will go out

Nothing stays

Fires will burn down
Leaves will fall
Snow will melt

Nothing stays

People move on
Joy will leave
You have left

Nothing stays

**Everything leaves