Why do I have to go to college?

          Why do I have to get a degree?

                    Why do I have to 'succeed?'

                    Can't I just travel with nothing but the clothes on my back?

          Can't I just be broke and live my life for the mere thrill of it?

Can't I just write and draw and write and dance and be me?

I am choking out syllables in an effort to feel better
What kind of poet am I
Using words for my own personal gain
I am less than words, even my own ****** ones
I am less than words because
I don't even know who I am
That I can claim any in the first place
Sometimes they are my alternative
Others the foreplay to danger
Words are just these
Things
I abuse and misuse
In an effort to escape my reality
If only for the length of a poem

I'm seriously broken
I don't know how to be physical with you
Not when emotions are involved
How can I give myself away to a blank face
Given away to a blur of a stranger
But you, I can barely look at

I'm seriously broken
If I don't know how to love someone
With my body and my heart
I always pick and choose
And I don't want to do that to you

But I'm seriously broken
I can't give you the girl you want
I can't be the girl you'd love

All I can manage is a smoke littered conversation
And one night of less than empty sheets...

She asked for tonight and he was ready for forever
So he just held her while the window shutters shook

She muttered in her sleep and he called her name when he was awake
So she said his back because he made her heart beat faster

She stood calf deep in the wind and snow and he wished her inside
So he stepped into the storm and was just in time to see her collapse

She was the only one he wanted and he was the only one around for her
So she let him bring her inside and he held her for another night

She woke in his arms once more
                           He dreamt of their together days and always
But his sleeping face scared her
                           But he was unaware of her uncertainties

So she left at his side a note to replace her
                           And he wasn't sure where to look for her this time

               But                                                                  ­           While
She had after all only asked for tonight                   He was ready for forever

Mother, you were good to me. You loved me in your own way that I didn't always understand. Don't blame yourself.
Father, you loved me, I suppose. I can't say that you cared though, at least, not about me.
Brother, don't turn out like me, make something of yourself. Don't try to become anyone else, to impress people, to fit in, just be yourself. Stop being so violent, it will get you into trouble.
KB, I know you never really picked me and I didn't quite pick you, but I think maybe God did, picked us for each other. You were the best friend I could have ever hoped for. Thank you for everything. I wish I could have shown you what you meant to me.
EK and EC, you were the best friends who could be depended on even though you weren't properly appreciated. I'm sorry.
AJ, God, you re-instilled in me the hope that people can change, that people can be beautiful. Thank you for Fridays, for my birthday, for Brazil, and for picking up at 2 a.m.
AK and DF, you were the most inspiring and genuine friends I've ever known. Thank you for showing me friendship.
JW, don't stop singing, playing, and laughing- you are music people should dance to.
KJ and MG, my oldest friends, thank you for never leaving me long. You are both so lovely, only accept what you truly deserve, please, okay?
MO, try not to be too naive or too much of a smart ***, alright? And thank you, for being part of my 'theme' and proving a point.
Finally, AM, I haven't known you long, but thank you for letting me need you.

Don't miss me, but don't forget me.
I love you all.

I'm the entertainment
Let me perform
Call me up
For this I was born

Quiet my voice
No need for talking
Except for the necessary
****** accessories

For I've been trained
I know what to do
How to elicit
Arousal in you

I'm already dead
Inhuman
So I really can't ever
Break again

Your words are
           Laced with lead,
                       And I sink further
                                        Into the abyss of my heart
                                                                 The more you drape over me...

Take me out
Please, with your quiver full
Big words, show off vocabulary
Air of superiority, the way you strut about
I love it when you tell me
How to solve my in war
What the answers are to the questions
I never asked

I hate how crazy I get when my thoughts multiply
I hate how angry I get when my thoughts multiply
Where am I supposed to go to save myself from me

Where am I supposed to go now that you've left me
Please let me open my eyes and see you again
Please let me once again feel your arm's embrace

Don't forget the girl who smells like paper and ink

When I close my eyes...

I see sunrise on the water
Or a hazy morning on 495 driving blind
I see a gun aimed but not fired
Or waves lapping over head with lungs screaming
I see a fractured reflection staring back of a girl who threw herself at walls, out windows, at people as lonely as she was
Or a toilet with a silhouette draped over it hiding the evidence inside
I see the worms in my mind
Or what it felt like to die

I see a writhing den of snakes cocooning a half buried body
Or a heart once stepped on and shattered, by the shoes you hide in your closet, stained in blood

That guy who sketches in class.
Creating the images in his mind.
He sits silently, just out of notice.
But I see him.

His eyes are heavy but serene.
Their blue clarity
That sees something I can't see.

Oh, they do so much to me.

I need your two in the morning phone calls
     They were the highlight of my nights
I need your crude latin jokes
     Even though I always opposed
I need your shoulder for my head
     I'm sorry I backed away from your bed
I need your curiosity and ability to speak your mind
     Without you I've been losing mine
I need your showing me off to your parents
    Even though you hid me from your friends
I need your sweatpants and your arms
     They were my favourite things to wear
I need your whispers and your gentle love
     You were so much more than I could've asked for

How long is a day?
It's a second and forever.
Just say the word,
And I'd die for you.

How am I capable of love?
I don't know anymore.
I look like old, tattered rags,
Inside and out.

My heart is missing pieces
I gave away,
And no one ever returned
Or replaced.
Riddled with holes,
It's not even recognizable.

I honestly don't know
Why you would want
Something so broken;
Why you would want me.

You have a home
Where people stay
I have a house
Where people leave

You have a home
That's safe to crash
I have a house
With too much crashing

You have a home
And a family
I have a house
And nightmares

You have a home
Filled with support and love
I have a house
**Where love has never lived

burn
burn
burn me
on fire
hold your match up to me
as the flames lick me
inhale smoke
I feel lighter

Young man
Grown past us both
Having to carry
The world on his shoulders
Our suffering
Our torment
We force him to watch
In silence
While we scream

sometimes i wish i could stop breathing

so i could stop thinking

so i could stop seeing you,
and her

and feeling all alone.

hahaha
silly girl
silly girl
what are you doing
this is all a dream
no matter
no matter
there will always be blood
in the street
on your hands
you think behind closed doors
you're invisible
but no
you're not
you're just behind a door
they'll open it and
see you
they will see you  
but it's a dream
because you don't matter
why did you collect it all
pooling around their vacant bodies
you paint the white walls
the same thing
each time
you paint a rose
but the rose never stays
it runs red
with the blood you use
because the greatest lie
is that you're in a dream
**when you are the nightmare

Whisper to me without words
Give me an eternity in an instant
Show me a new galaxy in a glance
Dazzling constellations contained in your eyes
Like a nebula, exploding, expanding with each moment we share
Kaleidoscope colors
Glistening and changing at a pace that feels like fireworks
But looks like stars
Stare into my soul with those hazel-green eyes

To father,
                you don't exist.
Mother,
              thinks you're a no good *****.
From brother,
                        you get the bulk of the hits.
Ex-boyfriend,
                       pretends you have an open door.
And you,
                stab,
                        starve,
                             and shrink.

Bleed in to me
If I cut myself open and peal back the layers
Will you come inside
Can I fold you into me

When did you grow up
Develop a strong jaw
Form muscles that wrap themselves
     about your sturdy bone
     and make themselves known
Stretch past my height
Become as swift as the sea
With your own rolling, rumbling voice
When did your curious hazel eyes stop wondering
      and start commanding
What happened to the little boy I once knew
When did you grow up

When did you grow up
Fall victim to the world's cruel ways
Become an addict like me
You were supposed to be the good one
     the ideal son
Get consumed by violence and rage
     hate was supposed to be my plague
Take on the persona of prosecutor and judge
     finding everyone guilty
Decide to help destroy me
What man is this you've become
When did you grow up

I watch myself
Dig my own grave,
Out by the place
We muttered over broken glass,
Near the rock coated in ash.

            Will you be here tomorrow
            When I'm not?
            Will you be here tomorrow
            When I've gone?
            Will you be here tomorrow
            Mourning, or moved on?

I see myself whisper
Goodbyes
To the still trees and the riverbank,
I am inaudible when it matters,
As I always was.

I wonder if anyone will hear the shot,
Or if in death, like life,
I'll be ignored as well as forgot...

Didn't expect to see you
Country Songs
****** Car
Your smile always feels like it's just for me
Hazel Eyes
Soft Hair
I wish we talked like we used to
Endless Laughter
Whispers Goodnight
Please don't leave me again
First Love
Last Thought
At least when I fall asleep you're still here

I play with fire

Feeling blades
Their weight
Their sharpness

I play with fire

Looking at food
Taking it in
Forcing it out

I play with fire

Taking off lids
Just to smell
To forget

I play with fire

Giving myself
Tarnished my image
No longer pure

I play with fire

Standing on cliffs
One step forward
Two steps...

I've played with fire...