How long is a day?
It's a second and forever.
Just say the word,
And I'd die for you.

How am I capable of love?
I don't know anymore.
I look like old, tattered rags,
Inside and out.

My heart is missing pieces
I gave away,
And no one ever returned
Or replaced.
Riddled with holes,
It's not even recognizable.

I honestly don't know
Why you would want
Something so broken;
Why you would want me.

Buy me a bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm trying to bury myself in the grave next to your hollow bones

Pace through the traffic back and forth
Maybe I'm blindfolded or just plain blind

Buy me another bottle of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm tired of pretending I'm at war when all I want is peace

I'm staring at the stars, I followed your eyes there
Now I find myself praying you might shift your gaze
Maybe glance at me when I'm not looking

I'll take another round of whatever you're drinking
cause I'm hoping your skeletons are as dark as they look

Lately it's been too bright to sleep
I can see carpe noctem etched in your fingertips
Like a print: your identity

I'll have another glass of whatever you're drinking
cause I can't think of another way to get close to you

For I'm already buried by your hollow bones

I'll take one last shot of whatever we've been drinking
cause it has to be better than drinking the same old **** alone

I play with fire

Feeling blades
Their weight
Their sharpness

I play with fire

Looking at food
Taking it in
Forcing it out

I play with fire

Taking off lids
Just to smell
To forget

I play with fire

Giving myself
Tarnished my image
No longer pure

I play with fire

Standing on cliffs
One step forward
Two steps...

I've played with fire...

When did you grow up
Develop a strong jaw
Form muscles that wrap themselves
     about your sturdy bone
     and make themselves known
Stretch past my height
Become as swift as the sea
With your own rolling, rumbling voice
When did your curious hazel eyes stop wondering
      and start commanding
What happened to the little boy I once knew
When did you grow up

When did you grow up
Fall victim to the world's cruel ways
Become an addict like me
You were supposed to be the good one
     the ideal son
Get consumed by violence and rage
     hate was supposed to be my plague
Take on the persona of prosecutor and judge
     finding everyone guilty
Decide to help destroy me
What man is this you've become
When did you grow up

To father,
                you don't exist.
Mother,
              thinks you're a no good *****.
From brother,
                        you get the bulk of the hits.
Ex-boyfriend,
                       pretends you have an open door.
And you,
                stab,
                        starve,
                             and shrink.

I just want the kind of peace
you get when
you hum to sad song

                 I just want the kind of smile
                 that slips onto your lips when
                 you hear little kids laughing

                                  I just want the kind of love
                                  you feel when
                                  someone wants you to know they care

                              I just want the kind of complete
                                       you make me, dear~

Don't look,
Don't speak.
Stay young,
Stay weak.
A picture in a frame,
A doll on a shelf.
Your looks can bring you fame,
Just deny yourself.

You have a home
Where people stay
I have a house
Where people leave

You have a home
That's safe to crash
I have a house
With too much crashing

You have a home
And a family
I have a house
And nightmares

You have a home
Filled with support and love
I have a house
**Where love has never lived

Didn't expect to see you
Country Songs
****** Car
Your smile always feels like it's just for me
Hazel Eyes
Soft Hair
I wish we talked like we used to
Endless Laughter
Whispers Goodnight
Please don't leave me again
First Love
Last Thought
At least when I fall asleep you're still here

We have the same hands;
Or at least they're similar.
I've noticed before,
But I forgot until today....
What your hands look like,
It says a lot about you.


Mine are the hands of a pianist:
Long and slender fingers.
Mine are mostly soft and gentle and afraid --
Yet callused where I hold my pen.
Mine are seemingly smooth and fair,
Unless you look close and see the freckles and scars...
                 (My faults on display like tiny decorative stars)

It's so unfair.
My heart is breaking,
splintering,
like it was whole to begin with.
I don't understand why
I need you so badly
when I am terrified of you.

How ridiculous I feel
trying crookedly
to walk down
these dark lit streets at night.

I am wandering,
I don't know what I'm doing.
But I do.

I grip my knife
with sweaty palms.
I am searching for
what I never hope to find.

I will embrace you.
I will attack you.
I will run.
I will freeze.

I never sleep.

My dreams
are filled with ghosts of the past.
Of my past.
Of the future I long for.
Of the future I fear.
Filled with nothing.
Filled with you.
Who are you?
Why can't you just leave me alone?

I just want to be happy. I have countless reasons to be happy. But in the end it's just me every **** night, every ******* night, alone. And empty. And I hate myself. I hate myself with every atom of my being. And I hate myself for hating myself. I'm playing with needles. That's not really a metaphor. I'm just watching droplets form on my skin. Because I doubt the plausibility of my own happiness. And I've always loved body art.

Everytime I feel okay about you,
you make your way back to me.
You left.
You left.
So why do you keep coming back,
only long enough to set me off balance?
My two A.M.,
my puppy, my Friday,
my love, my peace,
my everything.
My Best.
You built me up to let me down,
so must you return?
Must you kick me on the ground?
I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.
But stop coming around
and letting me hope
that this time you might
stay.

I've actually just begun to confess
To my loved ones about
The one I desire to marry

I fell in love long ago
He is my love, my life
The world sees my love for
Him
As a joke, but I don't

I think I want to marry
Him
I went to see
Him
Today I stayed in his house

I've decided to give up my life for
Him
To see if this is meant to be

I am starving.
For so many, many things.
I am dying.
For absolutely nothing.

HOW DARE YOU YOU *******
WHO ARE YOU TO HAVE FEELINGS

He likes to pull out his heart from time time to time
He looks at it and weeps as it beats silent and the world turns
He kicks me when I'm down leaving calico purple patches
He tries to rip apart the one who brought him here
But for us both he mostly settles for the words
He doesn't care until we wrestle his heart out of him
Then he ******* cries like he's sensitive

GROW THE HELL UP
THE REST OF US HAVE

The Trial Run is trying to separate herself from the intoxications
brought by men but stumbles down the sidewalk home...
I stopped pounding my words into his back because
he doesn't have time to be broken by me anymore...
The Elder creates his faux world because
everyone but me has exiled him out of the real one...
The Proper splits and I watch it happen to him as it happened to me,
still happens, angels and demons we hide inside...
The Child runs after the **** ups seeing rainbows
but devoid of color because he think's that's what age means...

Just cut me
Just pick up the **** knife and cut me
You've already left jagged wounds
Prove that you're capable enough to inflict them to my face
I'm tired of the rocks thrown from the distance
I'm tired of the blows from behind, of the back stabs
So look me in the eyes
And cut me

One half wants air
The other to drown
One remembers joy
The other only frowns

Split and torn
By love and hate
Tempting time
And teasing fate

One must win
And one must lose
I hate to say
But you must choose

My left hand is heavier now
Though I feel light
I'm floating
Like I'm underwater
But free of pressure

I am dancing and swirling and soaring
In a sea of our own creation
I am blissfully at peace

We both exhausted ourselves to get here
And I wouldn't trade it for the world

The moment did arrive
And we remain frozen
Until the thaw long awaited, due at winter,
We are here

Nearly done waiting
Finally done searching

I've found my favorite constellation
Beautiful, it covers your bones

Bloodshot eyes
Incapable of thoughts
What made me think
I could handle all this

I was born white
turning pink

6 years young
they added black and green
wonder why I grew up so fast
I spent so long not realizing
something was wrong

10 brings tragedy
slight grey and silver
to me and my family

12 years young
with so much blue, black and lust
very ****** up little girl
trusted the wrong people

12 also brought a striking bit of gold
but the blue was too strong
too icy, too dark, too cold

14 and you'd never guess
what I've turned into
black and black and black and grey
then finally met enough red
to make me feel okay

15, 16 red was my life
a pulse, a heartbeat
finally happy and alright
soon though comes doubt
and black seeps back in
how did this happen
I was just a kid

16, 16, the last straw
I can't face red anymore
and red was not
the strong color I thought it to be
red faded, receded from me

17, oh, don't look at me
don't look closely
you won't like what you see
as each addiction returns
bringing friends
my life I've wanted to end
for quite some time now
I'm such a gross color

17 is such a great time
to cut short the life of a girl
who has no colors
invisible
nothing

Call me stupid
Call me lame
I never planned
On earning fame

Call me ugly
Call me gross
The weight I loose
For you the most

Call me ****
Call me addict
Push me face down again
While you're at it

Sometimes whispers grow into shouts,
Though the wind can carry both.
But can a message be pinned and sent?
The wind blows free fast and far...
Can I have the vain hope to attach to it
Heavy words to you from me?

If I'm the moon
Will you be stars
And keep me company
Even when I am dark

     If I'm the moon
     Will you be stars
     That let me stay
     Even if I'm different

          If I'm the moon
          Will you be stars
          Buring bright
          While I just reflect

               If I'm the moon
               Will you be stars
               Hues of gold, blue, red
               With my life black and white

          If I'm the moon
          Will you be stars
          Falling and shooting
          As I endlessly spin

     If I'm the moon
     Will you be stars
     That they wish upon
    When I make them loons

If I'm the moon
Will you be stars
When I rise in blackness
Will you stay beside me

Cut away at my throat
You don't even know how deep the hatred runs in your veins
Sacrifice me in your diseased logic that traps your mind
Body and spirit broken beyond repair
You've always had a good heart
Please shut your mouth and still your hands

Summer will be here and we have to be perfect
I have to let my scars fade again
So at the beach you can prop me up as your rag doll
I just want to be invisible
All but one, I don't want to see me any longer
Faking functionality so that you can keep your pride

I just want to diverge and break off
Disappear to "where no one knows my name"
Well, all but one, the only one

Sorry my eyes are brown
And my hair's ***** blonde
And I'm skinny but not thin enough

Sorry I'm too short, too tall
And I'm not much of anything
And I had to quit dancing

Sorry my skin is too pale
And I have all these freckles and moles
And all these scabs and scars

Sorry I'm curved wrong
And my eyes are bad
And I talk too much

Sorry I stopped trying in school
And I'm shy but forward
And I'm an idealist

Sorry I'm broken
And uncertain
And afraid

Sorry I'm not any of the things you wanted
Sorry I loved you anyway

Where you should be
I no longer see
If I blink you are there not here
Make it stop
Make it start over
I don't want to be missing
The life I had with you
You told me it wouldn't last
And I ignored it
I ignored your warnings
I lit the match because I wanted to see
And how bright we were you and me
But the light went out
And it reeks of sulfur
And you're all gone
Without so much as a smoulder
Stranded in the dark
I feel out my way to where you were
But my fingers only graze
The damp cool air
That has taken your place
I'm suffocating in this frozen hell
You told me it was coming
But I didn't listen
I didn't want to believe our days were numbered
Not when the moments were so sweet
We drank them like honey
But I can't hit repeat
Instead I am here alone
Waiting for a match to re-light
But all that remains is dead nights

Waking up to see your smiling face
Once was a privilege I held
Your brown eyes
That came from your father
Though his were blue
I learned to welcome your gaze
Not to shy away
That unshaven face of yours
How I miss it so
Feeling it brush against my cheek
Making me giggle and squeak
Noses pressed together
I'd look up at you
Smiling and blushing
About what we both knew

I       wish
            so        badly
                             I        could
                                         see         him
                                                        right        now

There is this boy
I know he didn't like me much
But that was five months ago

Now I'm this girl
I love him as my tattered heart bursts
For a month ago he started mending it

I love my hands, I don't really know why, but other than my eyes they're the only part of my body I'm mostly okay with

Sunrise on the beach is my favorite everyday natural phenomenon

I can't stand public displays of (physical) affection, but I'm crazy affectionate

If I didn't belong to a conservative family I would look a lot different in appearance

I drink my coffee black but I prefer tea with milk and sugar

I'm bad at talking about myself, so I suppose this is done

I can't be genuine in a crowded setting,
I'm not brave enough to be real here.
So I'll write you this note with hope,
That you might try to understand me, dear.
I can be confident if I'm detached,
But with you, I don't want that.
Instead I run scared from possibility,
Feigning confidence and sincerity.
How ironic that I've been most true to myself
Behind a screen when I could be anyone else.
So I can't quite communicate or relate.
I'm best speaking one on one,
Or when talking need not be done.
Yes I'm truly terrified of touching you
If the variables I can't control are more than a few.
Years of hurt, being used,
Years objectified, feeling abuse,
Has twisted me to want and fear you.
So please don't be silent, I'm really quite needy.
I've been quit on and ****** on so much,
And when I miss you, I miss you dearly.
If I love you, it will be fully.
I'm so dependent, so wanting, destitute for you,
I can't take twenty-four hours of silence,
It could **** me.
I like to be alone, yes, it's true,
But I'd rather not be alone if I could be with you...

I know that you've been used and confused,
Believe me, I have too.
Are you afraid to be hurt?
Because I am as well.
But being near you while you're this distant,
It's like walking through hell.
I know what I want from you,
I've had far too long to mull it over.
All I need, love, is you, closer.
Are you afraid? Because I am too,
Though there's no denying,
I think I'm in love with you.

I'm sick
I'm illness
I'm incurable

I'm the vile thing inside your mind that crawls out one ear and in the other
I'm your filthy little fantasy that comes running after you with a knife
I'm bloodthirsty butterflies you naively tried to catch in your "innocence"

I'm sick
I'm dark
I'm twisted

I'm the current under the still water calm dragging you down with me
I'm ash after the fire that clings to your clothes and sticks inside your lungs
I'm your reflection in the mirror of the parts you don't want to see magnified

I'm sick
I'm poison
I'm the broken
                    pieces of souls, collected

I am so cold
I am so numb
I am so old
I am so young
I am so empty
I am so done
I am so scared
I am so dead

Your laugh
Your smile
Your face
A joke
You never did mean
The lies that you spoke