My mind lies to my heart, says,
We don't love you,

My heart lies to my mind, says,
We hate the pain,

But my mind knows,
Just as my heart knows,
How addictions work.

Navy blue sweater
Five buttons up
Reaches my thighs

Brush the sleeves
Graze my hand
I gasp and sigh

But you turn away
*I wish you'd stay

I drown in sadness
I don't let go
It's my curse
The curse of strings
Tied so tightly they choke me
I can't break the bonds
No matter how I try
I am caught in a web
Of memories
Of hope
Of dreams
Of the past
Cut short
By me
I am a knife
A knife that can't cut myself loose
Only scare away
I threaten, I menace
Yet I remain bonded

I suppose even the sharpest blades have their limits

The dreams and the crying and the dreams and the crying and the wondering whatever the **** I did to deserve this. Waking up in a cold sweat, tangled in sheets and emotions that cling to my skin like scars, like tattoos, like you. Who the hell even cares right? Who cares about what I wake up as at two a.m., three a.m., four a.m., five a.m., noon. Who cares when I'm standing naked and still can't take off the things that weigh me down. Who ******* gives a **** about hearing that kind of news and not being able to forget how much it hurts. The knife that keeps on stabbing you in the chest, and you can't feel your feet or your arms or your fingers or your lips, but you can't escape the feeling in your chest -- the throbbing in your chest. My heart is too broken to break is what I used to comfort myself with, and now I can't sleep and now I can't move and now I  can't breathe and now I can't live without you.

you hear the crash
shattered glass
shards fall like tears
and scatter like ashes
sharp angles glitter
glitter and shine

don't touch
don't help
don't salvage
don't hold

do not touch the glass
you'll smudge the reflection
leave prints
don't leave prints
when you let go they'll be left behind
burning deep into the fibers
like hands holding embers
like scars of war
cuts will leave scars
so

don't touch
don't help
don't salvage
don't hold

the broken glass leaves stains on your hands
on your clothes
on your mind
on your heart
blood pumping
blood pouring out
blood run cold
more than a fracture
jagged edges that will never fit the same

so *don't touch me*.

As I walk to meet you, the flashbacks set in...
          Of running to greet you out in the rain,
          Of two am phone calls that erased the pain...
          I remember whispering I love you.

With your strong hold, embrace me; keep me close.
          *I recall the first time I felt safe with you...

Who is she
What is she like
She is dark
They call her consumer of hearts
She lives like a chess game
She doesn't mean to
But every move she makes
She cruelly calculates
She loves the games she plays
But I think it's because
That's the only way she knows
How to trust
How to not get hurt
She pulls on heart strings
And she tugs at synapses
Biting free connections

She sinks her teeth into their souls
She watches what color they bleed
Delightedly she tears them apart

Her heart is gone
She can't remember if it was taken
Or if it was simply one of her own victims

the    other       day
                 she     asked     me
         what           is                the               cure
                                       i            simply    smiled
                               and      turned    away
      because   i    didn't                  know    how                to    tel­l             her
    that
                                               i
                                               don't
                                               know

I play with fire
I drown in rain
I scream please help me
Someone take this pain

i could feel your eyes on me as i laughed
i looked up across the room and there you were
looking straight back
you weren't wearing your glasses
and i don't know about your contacts
so i don't know how much of me you could see
even though i've shown you more than most will ever
i'm sorry for that burden
that painful privilege
i hope you could see me today
well enough to notice my hesitation before i looked back
to the source of my cheer
you are the source of confusion
my desire has been untangling itself but i fear i'll never be free
and i'll be stuck under your gaze
while you continue to not love me

receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat

your mind we melt
your soul we steal
so numb and clueless
that nothing feels real

watch your sense of self conform
everyone is desperate to fit the norm
lie to each other, say we're unique
just trying to be similarly separate
strive to be the same without anyone knowing
lie and claim do we
I am special, I am one of a kind
but we are a race occupied
with wasting space, with wasting lives
letting ourselves, our dreams, our relationships
lay to rot in waste and die

be unique
strive for independence
when all we ever shall do is:

receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat

Am I thin?
Please tell me if I am.
Am I skinny?
I'm trying to get there.
I'm dying  *for your approval.
110 pounds...
100...
90...
How far can I get before I faint?
Before I'm enough --
Not* enough?

Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
Tell you I'm okay
The days that are bad are the days that I'm smiling
******* laughing at my blood
Stab me, stop being kind
Only spend time with people who hurt me
Use me, hit me, pick me apart, crush me
Don't ask me what I ate or if I drank
Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
Laugh you off, flip my hair
Don't let the pretty colors fool you
I'm not the church girl you think I am
Don't let the brains fool you
I'm not the try hard you think I am
Don't let the smiles fool you
I don't have a cure
Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
And tell you I'm fine

so afraid of being overlooked
so completely misunderstood
finding the perfect way, finally
to make it all about her
eyes now looking and faces now smiling
she grins back uncomfortably, desperately
I need this. I want this. she silently convinces herself
in a leather miniskirt, so small
you can see it all
I'm not afraid. I need this. I want this.
hand on her knee
he sees me
hand on her thigh
this is what I wanted, right?
mouth on hers, held firmly there
by a man she'll never love...
just close your eyes,
it only has to be for one night.

I never asked you to be the exception to all my rules
But it's happened and I don't know how to take it back

So I'm asking you to come find me tonight
I'll be the one waiting under the bright lights
The girl singing off key, hoping you'll find it in you

          To just maybe love me
          Is there any chance you could love me

I never asked you to come along and charm me that first day
Talking in charades with those striking blue eyes

So I'm hoping that perhaps you'll think of me tonight
I'll be the dancer waltzing through your dreams
Praying you just might take a second glance at me

          To just maybe love me
          Is there any chance you could love me

I never asked you to make me fall in love with you
There isn't any grand thing about you that draws me in

It's your little idiosyncrasies that are my addictions
I know I'm bad luck and poor company
And I'm unfortunately terrified of my infatuation

          Oh, but I do love you
          Is there any chance you could love me

You just shot me in the chest.

Well, I may not be perfect,
I may not seem worth it,
But I am me,
With all my insecurities.
... *Don't you think I'm lovely?

I don't know how to cover the miles,
Hell, I don't even quite know how I feel,
But I know that tonight we're both alone.
I wish I could just hold your hand,
Hold you close and tell you, "I'm here."
Physically transcending the miles between
Seems impossible for you and me.
How do you hold broken bones together;
How do you dig one grave in two places?
We're buried under the rubble together,
But I can't grab on to you darling.
How can we keep each other from sinking?
We can't even sink with one another.
I just want to be able to kiss your cheek,
And show you I'm real and here for you,
But I don't know how to cover the miles...
Hell, I don't even quite know how I feel.
I just want us to stop having to be alone.

You know,

words are just letters

thrown together in clumps.

She can see something beautiful in everyone
        She reads more books than anyone else I know
She gives people presents '"just because," even though she can't afford it
        She has a cute accent that's stronger when she's upset or tired
She would travel around the world for someone she cares about
        She never forgets those who are kind to her
She always smells really good
        She is always honest
She likes to sleep under the stars -- literally
        She fights for what she believes in, loyal as hell

Everyone leaves
                                                  for lunch break,
           and I'm left here,

questioning my appearance.

Oh Heaven, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I want to be a writer, maybe a poet, for the rest of my life.
God forbid,
I love her, though it's forbidden I dream of her again.
God forbid,
I grow up different than you had planned for us.

Oh Hell, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I live your religion better than you and your illusions.
God forbid,
I walk through the door and plead for peace, just once.
God forbid,
I draw another "dark" sketch and tape it to your mirror.

Oh Help, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I wear a skirt or shorts or skinny jeans and people see.
God forbid,
I remember all your transgressions and don't let them go.
God forbid,
I stop pretending and show you the psychopath you've made.

But you will never be able to give me help,
that would mean pointing fingers at yourself.
God forbid that I've ****** up my life like you did yours.

Thank you all for today-
The points, the taunts, the shouts-
I talk funny is what you're all about.
You laugh when I speak,
Feels like strikes to the cheek.
Makes me want to be silent.

Until he pipes up,
And says it's cute.

You are the sun to my moon,
The smile to my gloom.

I remember my young body
Barely free of stitches
You placed me on a motorcycle
And laughed when I crashed

Why do I do that?
Why am I so abnormal?
I go to speak,
And my voice creaks,
And my face flushes red.
So I over correct,
Too loud, too direct,
Desperately avoiding the tears I'll shed.

"Don't touch me...*"

But that's all I want
Touch me
Please just touch me
Even though I'm fractured and broken it's all I want
You frame my face in your hands and call me beautiful
But you've never asked why I wear warm clothes year round
I want you to touch me
Down my side beneath my sweater
Over my thighs seemingly permanently masked by dark jeans
Across my stomach and around my back
Touch me
Trace all these fractured cracks that were abandoned
Abandoned and called imperfect when my title was taken from me
You call me beautiful to my face
But can you say it to all of me
Touch me
And show me what I mean to you

You should have never told me you liked the Fray,
You ruined them for me.

Someone, please,
                                c
                                a
                                t
                                c
                                h

                                m
                                e

                                b
                                e
                                f
                                o
                                r
                                e

                                I

                                h
                                i
                                t
                                     the cool pavement.

Once we spoke of a room,
A fairly small room,
We could both run to.

I don't quite know what
You sought out of me,
All I wanted was to call
Your arms my home.

But it's quarter past midnight,
And I'm in our room alone, again.

I'm betting that, out of me,
You never wanted more
Than pictures and some words.

You don't need me like I need you --
You never did.

Maybe it's time
I finally stop needing you too.

I wish I knew what part of I love you was the lie
The part where you whispered it
The part where you called it a lie
The part where you ran away
The part where you promised stay

You love her
You still love her
I don't know how I forgot
That she was always everything
You were looking for
I was never
Enough

Why is my skin
                         a    c    h    i    n    g
               for you
                            when
                                                everything about you
          should
                      r    e    p    u    l    s    e
       me?

You picked up a guitar one day,
Fooling around.
I never knew you could play.
The song you played was my favorite song,
Though you had no way of knowing.
You were so beautiful,
Just being yourself
For once.

That was
The first and the last time
You ever played
For me.

That was the moment
I realized
I was
In love
With you.
I still am.

All is fair in love and war
Was full of it

Because how can something that burns so quickly and leaves charred corpses in it's wake be fair
How can something that uproots the lives of many while leaving the lives of those adjacent fine
It is wholly unfair fall victim merely for being in the wrong place or time

Battlefields consume souls
No matter their varied geography
The path is always the same
Destruction can not be avoided nor cheated
Like Sister Death, both lie in wait
Lurking and prowling to devour the unfortunate ones
Praying for fairness that doesn't exist