the faucet's dripping...

i wonder when the water will
    
                                                              r                                               ?
                                                                 u                                        t
                                                                       n                            u
                                                                                            o

I've been the girl with straight As
I've been the girl who is lusted after
I've been the girl with a flock of followers
I've been the girl who has everything

I've been the girl failing every course
I've been the girl rejected and used
I've been the girl ostracized, the victim, the joke
I've been the girl with nothing

I'm the girl drowning in her head
I'm the girl who has stopped eating
I'm the girl playing with blades
I'm the girl that hates her own life

She can see something beautiful in everyone
        She reads more books than anyone else I know
She gives people presents '"just because," even though she can't afford it
        She has a cute accent that's stronger when she's upset or tired
She would travel around the world for someone she cares about
        She never forgets those who are kind to her
She always smells really good
        She is always honest
She likes to sleep under the stars -- literally
        She fights for what she believes in, loyal as hell

you hear the crash
shattered glass
shards fall like tears
and scatter like ashes
sharp angles glitter
glitter and shine

don't touch
don't help
don't salvage
don't hold

do not touch the glass
you'll smudge the reflection
leave prints
don't leave prints
when you let go they'll be left behind
burning deep into the fibers
like hands holding embers
like scars of war
cuts will leave scars
so

don't touch
don't help
don't salvage
don't hold

the broken glass leaves stains on your hands
on your clothes
on your mind
on your heart
blood pumping
blood pouring out
blood run cold
more than a fracture
jagged edges that will never fit the same

so *don't touch me*.

As I walk to meet you, the flashbacks set in...
          Of running to greet you out in the rain,
          Of two am phone calls that erased the pain...
          I remember whispering I love you.

With your strong hold, embrace me; keep me close.
          *I recall the first time I felt safe with you...

I'd give him
                      anything if
              he'd let me
                                     continue
              to lie
              
              here
                          staring
      into his eyes.

That's all I
                       want.

I never asked you to be the exception to all my rules
But it's happened and I don't know how to take it back

So I'm asking you to come find me tonight
I'll be the one waiting under the bright lights
The girl singing off key, hoping you'll find it in you

          To just maybe love me
          Is there any chance you could love me

I never asked you to come along and charm me that first day
Talking in charades with those striking blue eyes

So I'm hoping that perhaps you'll think of me tonight
I'll be the dancer waltzing through your dreams
Praying you just might take a second glance at me

          To just maybe love me
          Is there any chance you could love me

I never asked you to make me fall in love with you
There isn't any grand thing about you that draws me in

It's your little idiosyncrasies that are my addictions
I know I'm bad luck and poor company
And I'm unfortunately terrified of my infatuation

          Oh, but I do love you
          Is there any chance you could love me

my
             favorite
drug
                        ...
my
                    best
addiction

Once we spoke of a room,
A fairly small room,
We could both run to.

I don't quite know what
You sought out of me,
All I wanted was to call
Your arms my home.

But it's quarter past midnight,
And I'm in our room alone, again.

I'm betting that, out of me,
You never wanted more
Than pictures and some words.

You don't need me like I need you --
You never did.

Maybe it's time
I finally stop needing you too.

The dreams and the crying and the dreams and the crying and the wondering whatever the **** I did to deserve this. Waking up in a cold sweat, tangled in sheets and emotions that cling to my skin like scars, like tattoos, like you. Who the hell even cares right? Who cares about what I wake up as at two a.m., three a.m., four a.m., five a.m., noon. Who cares when I'm standing naked and still can't take off the things that weigh me down. Who ******* gives a **** about hearing that kind of news and not being able to forget how much it hurts. The knife that keeps on stabbing you in the chest, and you can't feel your feet or your arms or your fingers or your lips, but you can't escape the feeling in your chest -- the throbbing in your chest. My heart is too broken to break is what I used to comfort myself with, and now I can't sleep and now I can't move and now I  can't breathe and now I can't live without you.

Everyone leaves
                                                  for lunch break,
           and I'm left here,

questioning my appearance.

That's about me
Talking about me
You hate me
I know you're looking right at me
Talking about me
Laughing at me
Pointing at me
Whispering about me

I play with fire
I drown in rain
I scream please help me
Someone take this pain

i thought about you again today.
yes, in that way.
its impossible to forget you it seems.
was it me,
was it it you?
is it crazy to
think one day you might love me?
i am alone again,
two am,
and you promised to always be there.
i am insane,
and in pain.
i just wish you,
i just wish for you.
you would always give the best advice,
about everything in my life.
i just cant seem to push
my memories of you
away,
at least not today.
and i wonder did you maybe
think about me today?
yes, in that way...

My mind lies to my heart, says,
We don't love you,

My heart lies to my mind, says,
We hate the pain,

But my mind knows,
Just as my heart knows,
How addictions work.

so afraid of being overlooked
so completely misunderstood
finding the perfect way, finally
to make it all about her
eyes now looking and faces now smiling
she grins back uncomfortably, desperately
I need this. I want this. she silently convinces herself
in a leather miniskirt, so small
you can see it all
I'm not afraid. I need this. I want this.
hand on her knee
he sees me
hand on her thigh
this is what I wanted, right?
mouth on hers, held firmly there
by a man she'll never love...
just close your eyes,
it only has to be for one night.

receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat

your mind we melt
your soul we steal
so numb and clueless
that nothing feels real

watch your sense of self conform
everyone is desperate to fit the norm
lie to each other, say we're unique
just trying to be similarly separate
strive to be the same without anyone knowing
lie and claim do we
I am special, I am one of a kind
but we are a race occupied
with wasting space, with wasting lives
letting ourselves, our dreams, our relationships
lay to rot in waste and die

be unique
strive for independence
when all we ever shall do is:

receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat
receive, read, recite, repeat

You know,

words are just letters

thrown together in clumps.

I remember my young body
Barely free of stitches
You placed me on a motorcycle
And laughed when I crashed

He reassures me over his plate of food that I'm not that insane

He  reminds  me to consider medication
I      remind    him that it's my life
He  reminds  me to consider eating food again
I      remind    myself I need to hide it better

He  reminds  me that I have good inside
I      remind    him that I hurt the ones I love
He  reminds  me that I've been worse
I      remind    him I've been better

He  reminds  me about how I ruined us, but that's past
I      remind    him that I ruined us in the first place
He  reminds  me we were naive
I      remind    him that it was never a game to me

He  reminds  me I have a future
I      remind    him that I have a past
He  reminds  me that I have a present
I      remind    myself that I shouldn't wait, should act

I wish I knew what part of I love you was the lie
The part where you whispered it
The part where you called it a lie
The part where you ran away
The part where you promised stay

Oh Heaven, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I want to be a writer, maybe a poet, for the rest of my life.
God forbid,
I love her, though it's forbidden I dream of her again.
God forbid,
I grow up different than you had planned for us.

Oh Hell, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I live your religion better than you and your illusions.
God forbid,
I walk through the door and plead for peace, just once.
God forbid,
I draw another "dark" sketch and tape it to your mirror.

Oh Help, don't let your kid really be me.
God forbid,
I wear a skirt or shorts or skinny jeans and people see.
God forbid,
I remember all your transgressions and don't let them go.
God forbid,
I stop pretending and show you the psychopath you've made.

But you will never be able to give me help,
that would mean pointing fingers at yourself.
God forbid that I've ****** up my life like you did yours.

I can still feel the wrongness of your fingers caressing me
I can still feel my heart beating so hard it's trying to jump out of my throat
I remember trying to move your hands off of me
I remember your hands kept coming back
It broke me when you held me still
It broke me when you got to decide
I'm still numb from wanting to love a monster

Maybe if I fight he'll go away
Maybe if I fight he'll give up
Maybe he can't see I don't want this
Maybe he can't tell
Maybe I did something wrong
Maybe if I stop moving he'll stop
Hands
There are hands everywhere
My hair my throat my chest my thighs
Maybe he can't tell I'm crying since it's dark
There are hands and they won't let go of me
There are hands that rip out my heart
And they leave it
Right there on the floor
He steps on it before he leaves

I miss your arms on my sides,
And you biting my lips at night.

Remember that day on the beach?
We didn't see a ray of sun in that tent.

Your hair always smelt like oranges
And you tasted like peppermint.
I would always play with your ears
While you toyed with my fingers.

You had this funny way of getting me
To open up for you, my heart, my legs.

When I inflicted damage onto us,
You were the patient repairman;
I was the pain for your scream,
And you were the sorrow for my tears.

Somehow we made sense...
Until the day dream ended.

You just shot me in the chest.

Babe,
You've been distant
The whole time
You've been home...

I see you out with her,
And my soul is crushed.

I always thought,
That out of the two
Hearts you broke,
I was your favourite...

The sky bleeds into my hair
Sunset leaks into my eyes
In this moment I look changed
He asked me to stay in this
Moment with so many words
Where my hair is more gold
My eyes are caramel not black
And my smile shines bright
But I let the sun slip down past
The horizon because I was
Afraid so he left for his future
While I stayed drowning in
Our past now I don't want to let
It slip away this time,
                                      *into the snow...

the    other       day
                 she     asked     me
         what           is                the               cure
                                       i            simply    smiled
                               and      turned    away
      because   i    didn't                  know    how                to    tel­l             her
    that
                                               i
                                               don't
                                               know

All is fair in love and war
Was full of it

Because how can something that burns so quickly and leaves charred corpses in it's wake be fair
How can something that uproots the lives of many while leaving the lives of those adjacent fine
It is wholly unfair fall victim merely for being in the wrong place or time

Battlefields consume souls
No matter their varied geography
The path is always the same
Destruction can not be avoided nor cheated
Like Sister Death, both lie in wait
Lurking and prowling to devour the unfortunate ones
Praying for fairness that doesn't exist

Scrape the safety out of my eyes
Let the tears wallow, watch me cry
She saw my wrists and laughed at me
I've "cursed myself" is what she believes

She never understood
My favorite type of art
Tells me it's evil work
And I'm breaking her heart

Ancient tongue we no longer speak
Upon my skin in chants to preach
Simple font in words concrete
I write about the things I've seen

Well, I may not be perfect,
I may not seem worth it,
But I am me,
With all my insecurities.
... *Don't you think I'm lovely?