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Makenzie Marie Jul 2018
I am a passenger
In my own body.
Everything’s heavy
Memories spotty.

Working away
On a beautiful day
Until my heart begins to race

Adrenaline pumping
But still I’m exhausted.
Lay down on the floor
Feet up in the sky
Get blood to my brain
And continue on with my night.

An engulfing weight
Holding me tight
Pushing me farther
From consciousness’ light

I can hear you, yes.
All that comes out is a breath.
And then again,
I’m drifting away.
I can hear everything they say.

“Open your eyes”
They flutter, sight blocked
I can not
And again
My vision is spotty
A passenger in my body.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
Each day I am with you, you remind me why I am.
I used to get in my own way, questioning if things needed to change, needing to control every little thing.
But at some point there I took a breath, relaxed a bit, and dove in head first. Thank goodness I did.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Midnight
in my mess of a room.
outer chaos
but inner peace.
And outside there sleeps a beast
that breathes with the wind
and immitate the ocean so I can sleep.
And it's pitch black tonight
at least, looking out from inside.
Beyond the tufts of grey sheep
sleeping in the summer heat
worlds are colliding,
lighting up my midnight sky.
Cities burned, and people died.
planets and countries and towns were sacrificed
to bring light to my midnight....
And it happened lightyears ago, I know.
But it's those little things that give us hope.
worlds collide
and die,
so that we have something to wish on at night,
something reminding us to hold on tight
just until the sun rises.
And when it does
and lights the sky
the world will sing the victor's cry,
simply because
you are alive.
So hold on tight.
The sun will rise.
Look up, hold your head high:
the entire galaxy
is cheering for you
"fight for your life."
"Stay alive."
And "be alive."

Outer chaos/
inner peace.
Because the beast
inside me?
Tonight, he's asleep.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
I'm in
A constant state
of discomfort;
of pain.
Sickness
in my heart
and in my brain.
But people call me strong
anyhow.
They see what I try to
somehow.
The fraile
     fragile
     falling apart
state of my heart
is invisible to them.
So slowly
        and eventually
I'm beginning to see it,
or I'm just starting to believe it.
The strength in me
that everyone sees,
is everything I'm trying to be.
So I can only assume
that in some way I'm succeeding.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
This all feels like a dream— the highest are so high and the hues are so pure but just like when I’m dreaming, when something hurts it burns and stings and bleeds.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
And so I watch
And I listen
as faithful friend after friend excuses themselves
with their funny excuses
and I laugh
at the joke that the fates have whispered to me
No one else seems to hear it
It’s not quite so funny, you see.
The pitter patter of the pity
You can hear it, you see
You can see it, actually.
“It’s a small thing among friends”
And a small thing to see in a stranger’s face
The twinge of sadness and confusion and relief for themselves
They look at me and they see what they will never be
They see, though, what could happen, horribly.
One in 100
maybe.
1,000
10,100?
less likely
(for you).
And so I watch
And I listen
And they whisper
and they wonder
and they worry
And I laugh
at the joke that life telling me,
mocking at me.
But it’s not quite so funny, you see.
The whispering of the Wonderers
Asking over politely
Never listening intently
And I’ll tell them all about it
And I will listen
to the pitter patter of the pity.
Pitter pattering;
tip toeing around me,
so constantly
and away, usually.
tip toeing of tongues in whispers so willingly disregarding me,
or cautiously eluding everything.
Or even tip toeing of tongues trying to calm me.
The pitter patter of pitty.
You can hear it, you see.
You can see it, actually.
It may be a small thing.
Truthfully, it’s bigger than you might see.
I see.
And I laugh.
at the joke that the the fates whispered.
No one else quite seems to understand it.
But It’s become quite funny, to me.
What a pity.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
Some nights
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And in His mercy,
let me die as I sleep.

But instead
He fills me with His view of reality
And in His mercy
He brings me His peace.
PSA
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
PSA
I said no.
I know I said stop.
But I haven’t met a guy yet who understood that.

Yes
and No
are not interchangeable
And stop
never means go.

And it’s not her fault
for looking like that
And it’s not her fault
that all he wants is some ***.

But he won’t stop,
and his weight is crushing her
He won’t stop
and he’s forcing her.

The feeling of a man pulling at the back of your hair
isn't a great feeling ever
after you've been there
in her position
unable to control any of it
Unable to push him off
or away
because he’s holding your hands with a wild grip
and with a force that overpowers every ounce of your strength.
After that, the touch of a man will rarely make you swoon or sway.

And you won’t understand
the feeling of guilt that never quite goes away
That feeling that you are weak
and worthless
because all you could do was pray and take it.

Because society has taught her she did something wrong:
That she asked for it
that she invited it.
And maybe she was asking for something,
but that sure as hell wasn't it.
She didn't ask to be treated like she was worthless.

And PSA:
no woman is.
PSA: no woman or girl deserves to be taught by an experience that she is worth nothing. No woman or girl deserves to be taught that she never will be worth anything than what you did to her. No person deserves to be ignored. No person deserves blame for situations out of their control. No human being deserves to be treated or handled like dirt.
We are all human together, so for the love of God can we please stop pushing each other to the ground
Makenzie Marie May 2015
I love it when it rains.
I love the thought that even the sky
has to cry itself dry.
I love the notion
that our roof
of clouds and sunshine
has to let go of all of the commotion
of being bulletproof
sometimes, too.

I love that after this release,
everything feels and loooks and smells brand new.

Sometimes we've all gotta do that too.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
you made it through yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. You’re doing better than you think. Keep holding on.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
You whisper to me
Your breath on my lips
“I love you”
Followed by a tender kiss.

My heart stops, and revives,  
With the butterflies
That rise
From their graves

Please stay.
You might think it was too early but now I know that’s on your mind and you van halfway take it back but it’ll still make me smile. I hope you’re around when I am able and ready to reciprocate.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
The scars I've given myself
are mistakes.
The scars
life has given me
are great.
But the scars
from others
etched deep into my soul
are impossible.
They never fade.
Too deep to erase.
I hate it.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
Can I just say
***** you for alwasy leaving me
to question things?
To wonder what the heck will come of you and me?
What in Hell
made you think it was okay
to treat me like I was just a game
a fragile heart created for your play?

***** you
for leaving me blaming myself
***** you
for leaving me to worsen my own health.

And I know it's unfair for me to blame you.
You were young too
and I know you didn't know what on earth to do
about the days that my heart was soaking more in black than blue.

But I think that it was you
that handed me the dye.
You brought back the hate
and allowed me paint
the black abyss
in which
I sunk deeper
with all your lies.

And you try to come back
just when I've creawled out
like a slap
to the face,
a silent shout
into the void,
the abyss, a vaccuum
muting all noise.

And thank goodness for that.
the silence
because you can't take back
all of your lies
and I can't take
any more of your bull
I looked back on some poems I wrote about you... all I have left to say today is ***** you.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
“It’s not you,” You tell me.
But I can’t make you see that security is always fleeting. But I will not be. And I just want that to be enough.

I just want to be enough.
9/17/19
I think I’ve calmed your mind on this subject, now. I hope I have.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
It was those late hours and those lonely nights that she took a step back, and doubted herself. And she hated herself for those nights. Because she it was in those quiet doubts that she proved to herself that she was not worth trusting. Because her spirit was not yet in control and her demons got the best of her and she failed again.  But she will try again. She will start again. And tomorrow will be a new day so her new start begins in this moment. In this moment she will begin again learning to love herself.  In those dark quiet hours she prayed, and pleaded and released, and surrendered and she began again to believe in her strength
Makenzie Marie Aug 2019
I am terrified
Of how deeply I love you.
Because the last time I fell in love..
it was...
It was my truth built on someone’s lie.
But I know you can sympathize.
And my fear can not reach the depth of my love for you.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
I am a garden
oh, I feel sunlight
warmth in your smile
flowers are blooming.
what I cannot quite figure out,
sometimes,
am I the gardener
do I tend to myself?
or do I allow others
to plant seeds in me,
nourish me,
help me grow?
am I a community garden
to share with this world?
to trust my rosebushes
my sunflowers
and daffodils
to a world of genocide?
how can I?
I guess I’ll just choose
A white picket fence
open to only those
whose eyes crinkle
when they smile
sunshine
slipping through the cracks
open to those
whose words
so delicately plant
seeds of hope.
I’ll nourish them,
and tend to
this community garden.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Do you think of me?
Do you love me?
Do you want me?
Do you know what I love you
really means?
Because my curiosity
might just **** me.
I need to know.
and patience
is as hard for me
as sleep.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2014
I just want to know
What this is all about
I'm letting you in
But I think the door is open
So you can even more easily
let yourself out
I want to know what's on your mind
Because you might be something that I've been looking to find...
I mean You could be the glitter in my eye
But right now
You're just the reason
I stay up way too late
Thinking
And I think that's something I pretty much hate.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
You can love someone with your whole being.
But if they don’t bring you peace
Or offer the most important things
You’ll be left longing.

But Hold to your hope
Don’t let go
You deserve someone who makes you more
Than who you are alone
More
Of who you are at your core.

You deserve a home
Without a hole.
So if you’re missing something,
That isn’t coming,
Maybe It’s time to let go.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Truth is
I never really
stopped falling
Or fell up
Or anything.
I just accepted the situation,
I just tried to move on.
But yeah.
I meant it when I said I love you.
Maybe I mean it differently
when the words escape my lips
now.
But that real meaning is
Still. There.
But I'm working on that.
So please
stop making it harder.
Or somehow
Just make all of this easier
I don't know.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
I might love you
But won’t tell you
Because recovery
Is still coming
Along
But I love being with you
Dancing to my favorite songs.
I am falling in love with you
And I know you love me too
Please don’t go
Makenzie Marie Feb 2019
He whispers
I am so in love with you
I didn’t know it was possible to be so in love,
But I am so in love with you
And I don’t think I could live
without you.
I don’t ever want to live without him.
Makenzie Marie May 2019
Hearing your voice and breathing your scent and seeing your smile.
Wrapped in your arms and finding your lips and taking it in.
Hearing your laugh and catching my breathe and falling in love
I remember the moment.
Do you remember?
Makenzie Marie Jun 2015
Storms Pass.
but the problem is
that even though eventually the storm will be over,
the destruction will still lay in it's wake.
Even though you can rebuild the entire city,
it will forever be shaken.
it will never be the same.
Storms pass.
but like buildings and bridges,
people break.
And you can stitch up a broken heart,
but even after it heals,
a scar remains.
And now there's a tangible, visible, literal scar
one that you don't know formed
and it shows that things changed.
And I don't know when it will fade,
but even with all the vitamin e on my thighs
scar tissue will remain
beneath the skin on my knees,
reminding me
about when I fell for you too hard,
reminding me of when the storm destroyed our town
reminding me of how many times
I've had to build myself up after a breakdown.
How many times I wanted to go to you
but was too afraid to,
reminding me of when you weren't there for me to.
Storms pass
and maybe this one has,
but the city has turned to rubble
and I can't decide if I want to rebuild,
just to wait for the next storm warning,
as if anyone could expect it,
or if I should just move on from this tired old town.
Because it's dark,
and the sun is rising...
but the electricity is out.
And the scar tissue reminds me,
that my heart fell apart when all the buildings fell.
And I know a long night is coming.

I think you'd be surprised how cold it can be in Hell.
Makenzie Marie Jul 2015
Last night was a perfect night,
watching shooting stars across the sky
the crackling firewood
and the glimmer in our eyes;
smores, and stories
of troubled times
and how we're grateful we made it out alive.
Scripture study fireside,
testimonies, and lots of tears cried,
lead to long group hugs to dry our eyes.

This is what real Friendship feels like:
this is remembering why I needed to stay alive,
this is why I'm grateful for God's presence in my life.

And I think I'm learning,
"borrowed time"
means staying up until the sunrise
and still calling it Saturday night.

Why else would He have created Summertime?
Grateful to He who planned out my life for giving me such amazing friends and influences in my life to remind me why I fight
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
My mind has been warped
twisted and turned
like taffy in a candymaker's careful claws.
but this candy that I tried
isn't as sweet in my mind.
sugary sweet poison;
That's all it is.
Delicious and dreadful and deadly.
But oh how it tastes...
It's bittersweet some days.
I can't explain.
And it's an addiction
a love hate relationship
(a contradiction)
and I think I'm fighting it
but truthfully
I don't want to be.
I want to give in
and binge
on the sweet delicious taste
of my awful bitter disgrace.
addiction dragon lion fight ED eatingdisorder selfharm disgrace shame idk
Makenzie Marie Sep 2019
I’d swim across the ocean for you.
And I’ve always loved this way.
But the difference is that before, every time, I would do it for someone who would stay dry, and comfortable, and let me be drenched by the storm in the sky. Less than crossing puddles, and less than even helping me cross it myself. I swam oceans for people who would ask me to carry them on my back while I did, eventually forcing me under and drowning me, knowing full well what they were doing. They would hardly cross a street for me.
But I will still swim oceans for you— and I am absolutely sure that you would for me too. So I’ll meet you in the middle.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
I was caught in your eyes
Staring at the 3am sky
Watching the snow.
Listening to your voice
So full
Of love and passion
Watching you smile in the most you-ish fashion.
My drink got cold
And I hadn’t a care in the world.
Makenzie Marie Sep 2015
Stop.
Breathe.
Go for a drive.
See.
Admire.
Pray.
Ponder.
Sing.
Dance.
Be spontaneous.
Trust.
Surrender.
Release.
Hope.
Love.
Pause.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Live.
Makenzie Marie Jun 2018
I signed my name...

Your name
Attached to mine
I took your name in mine
Took your hand in mine
That was a different time

But back to today...
I took a pen to a page
And said goodbye
To that time
And the lying
And crying.

And now I’m not yours
And you’re not mine.

You’re free to be
And Choose how you’ll be
And you can no longer hurt me
I can be free.

I hope one day, you’ll see
All the harm you did to me
No bruises, no bleeding
But you’ll remember the anxiety, the screaming.
and now here’s me
With a little bit of PTSD.

But baby,
I won’t be there to agree.

Im taking care of me.
And taking back my name.
Makenzie Marie May 2019
Today I wore your cologne
And it smelled like home.
Makenzie Marie Nov 2014
Right
left
up
down
everything
that’s all around
is spinning fast
and getting jumbled
help me fast before it crumbles

I am lost
I am confused
I do not know which way to choose

I am sinking
drowning perhaps
I’ve lost my ship
so I guess that’s that
“man overboard” (yelled loud and clear)
but I lost my breath
just in time to not hear

Someone save me
Someone help
I don't want to be
All by myself

But,
In the dark and twisting waves
Someone reaches out.
There is someone who saves
Me from all the lost
inside myself
Somehow
someone helps.

everything will be alright
at the end of the tunnel there is light
There is hope right around
that corner you cannot yet see.
But trust me.
nothing is lost
that cannot be found
A tangible example of my personal process and attempt to talk myself out of the dark hole of depression that seems to regularly engulf me. Though I can find that light, somehow I always find myself jumping overboard right back into that dark hole. So here I am returning, adding to, and revising this poem. yet. again.
Makenzie Marie Jul 2018
You’ve hardened me
And every silver bullet
you’ve lodged into my heart,
I’ve plucked out,
Enduring the pain
And built myself an armor
Out of your betrayal.

And You are not a Phoenix.
Your tears
Will not heal
the open wounds
you have caused
With your trifling talons.
You cannot fix this.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2019
I’m the queen of overthinking so you have to know that I’m overthinking things each night that goes by, afraid that you must have, or will, changed your mind.
Makenzie Marie Feb 2015
And most days now
I can hardly breathe.
Because of the excitement
inside of me.
The eager buzz
bubbling over
hopelessly
and hopefully...
The thrilling nerves
That I can't contain.
The butterflies I can't explain.
And I am counting down the days
(28)
Until I'll see you again.
And I hope that you
are looking forward to it too.
I hope that you're a fraction as excited as I
and I can't wait to see the look in your eyes...
I can't seem to explain
the state
that I'm in...
But basically, I can hardly wait.
Makenzie Marie Dec 2018
Loving
And being truly loved in return,
A warm kindling of a fire,
Is such a different feeling
Compared to the inorganic
slow burn
Of a lighter
Held to your heart
(Don’t panic)
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
You use that tone with me
Or do these things to me
Because you’re hurting
Over something
That isn’t me.
You’re “just saying”
But as a result I’m paying
For your insecurities
That you’re passing on to me.
Makenzie Marie Jan 2015
Thre strikes
down the middle of my thigh
running red as I wonder why
and how this has happened to me
Why the skies
mirror my eyes:
dark, and clouded,
playing shy.
Three strikes
I'm out
(that's the rule of the game)
But I no longer really want to play,
anyway.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2014
Alone
That’s all I am
in this open empty state.
And exhausted.
                                  So fricking tired.
Physically,
mentally,
emotionally
exhausted.
     And the glass feels half empty.
Though the sky is so full;
I can’t help but feel alone.
Because no matter how much love
is handed to me
faked
for my benefit,
for their gain,
it’s nothing real.
There’s nothing gained
only lost.
One more broken piece
of myself
handed away.
               One more wasted day.
useless.
And wasteful.
But hopeful, at least.
Maybe…
      Am I even     progressing?
Or am I moving
backwards?
to the crap that used to be…?
I can hold myself up,
but after so long
my strength goes slack.
     because I know what I lack.
I feel so dang alone
          and can any of us
                                  really,
                    ­                       make it alone?
Makenzie Marie Jan 2016
I was:
a little broken,
a little lost on time,
too much,
and not enough
(But I'd swear "I'm doing fine").

And on every cold night
You held me so tight
my pieces fit together
and you filled the holes
left by storms and bad weather.

Too much is nonexistant
and you love that I'm persistant.
not enough is impossible.
And that's what it means
when you tell me you love me
I'm on top of the world.

I want to say time changes things,
because it's the truth about reality.
But honestly, you're the thing
and you've changed me.
but in a better way than time herself could ever dream.
And now, I'll get to watch change with you for eternity.

Today we're together,
and I'm a little lost on time.
'Cuz I'm in love,
and that's enough.
(I'm doing so much more than fine.)
Makenzie Marie Nov 2018
Time runs away from me
As I dash to be in your company.
You are worth a lack of sleep.
Makenzie Marie Apr 2018
I know it’s daunting
And the road seems long
But this demon you’re facing,
It’s not just you that it’s haunting.
It’s not just you that it’s chasing.

I know you’re strong
But my belief in strength is fading.


Is it enough
To want to try?
To tell me you didn’t mean
to break my heart
Console me just enough
To keep me from crying?
(Thanks for trying)

But then turn to distract
From the reality of your loveless acts?
Meanwhile...
I can act tough
Until I crack
(Not tough enough)
And the demon of yours
that I’ve absorbed
comes pouring out
In full force.

I would lift you
If I could
And carry you far away from this world.
I love you.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2019
I could fight to be strong
Be patient
Until one of my Diagnosis
Decides to take me.
Or I could just take control
and do it myself

Can’t decide which will win out.
Makenzie Marie Mar 2015
One minute
my body is sreaming,
shreiking;
It's deafening,
the roaring inside me.
Excruciating.
It's
tearing
at the seams
it seems.
In that minute
the pain is searing,
scortching,
It's blinding fire raging
and burning
up every bit of me.
It's debilitating.
An angry
sharp,
sore,
stiff,
stabbing,
torturously
unending
pain.

And suddenly
with the magic
of medication
it's becoming
fuzzy.
I'd like to thank modern medicine.
Makenzie Marie Apr 2019
Are you thinking of me, too?
I’m laying awake
Slivers of moonlight
Whispering
As they intrude
And all I can think about is you.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2018
Has your heart ever hurt so bad it made your hands tingle?
What about your fingertips go numb?
Like frostbite forming inside you
As if My heart being frozen over
So long ago,
Though it’s starting to warm
Each time a small breeze comes
The ice descends through my veins
Freezing me until the whole is numb.
Makenzie Marie Oct 2018
“I’d be lying
                                           If I said I wasn’t falling”
                                            Written in invisible ink.

Tell me when it’s safe to take the leap.
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