If I haven’t told you enough times today,  
I love you. And I am infinitely proud of you. Even on your hard days, you handle it with grace.

I wonder if my screams
Induced by your abuse
Haunt your dreams.

I want to see you.
And I feel like I’m putting you first in everything. Giving everything I can round up, to give you a measly offering in the form of what I can find of the shattered pieces of my heart.

Somehow you are the kind of person I will drop everything and drive an hour in a snowstorm at just the chance to do nothing with you. But only if you want me to.

It’s hard to admit
I’m this in love with you.
Under the surface, fearing
It’s too good to be true.
And you are so good
How could I not be?
And when I consider it
It’s easy to admit...
How I love you.

Are you thinking of me, too?
I’m laying awake
Slivers of moonlight
Whispering
As they intrude
And all I can think about is you.

And I can still smell a hint of you
Laying in my sheets,
And imagine you’re next to me

And so I bury my face
Reminiscing
And hope you’re also missing me.

And I can still dig into my closet
thankfully
And pull out your (my) favorite hoodies.

And Your toothbrush is still on my sink
And I can still feel your arms around me
And I can still smell you next to me

“I’d be lying
                                           If I said I wasn’t falling”
                                            Written in invisible ink.

Tell me when it’s safe to take the leap.

Remember that even without me you are everything.

Has your heart ever hurt so bad it made your hands tingle?
What about your fingertips go numb?
Like frostbite forming inside you
As if My heart being frozen over
So long ago,
Though it’s starting to warm
Each time a small breeze comes
The ice descends through my veins
Freezing me until the whole is numb.

‪Sitting alone in my car at a park‬
2am and the tears start
You drive away
because I say it’s okay
But the stitches in my heart
Are tearing apart.

I’m tearing myself apart
For fear of tearing you apart.
I’m so sorry,
If I’m breaking your heart.

Simple honesty,
Consistent transparency,
That is what you give me.
Everything happening so organically.

The words to ask for help are so closely within my reach
And I'm silently begging
"Please
save me
from me."
Because I can't even start
to explain
this pain
That is stabbing yourself in the heart.

Father,
I know you’re listening:
Please, lift me.

Hosanna
Blessed are Ye.
Please, save me.

When I fall, I fall hard.
And each time I only shatter my heart.

stupid girl.

Love, when you pray, I smile.
Not because of my love for the Almighty, but because yours shows so much in your words. And your relationship with him shows in your tone. And I smile each night I hear you speak to Him.

The truth about my recovery?
I lied
I told the truth
I was better.
So much better
a different person
truly, really,
not the me that was dying to die a year previous.
for six years the monsters consumed me
It starts so subtle.
She’s skinnier.
‘No I’m on a diet’
‘I’m a size 0’
your best friend skips lunches.
slowly, surely, the monster slips into your head.
your nightmares are living
compulsions start.
too young.
don’t eat in front of people.
one granola bar will get you through practice until home.
and all the comments egging you on.
‘you aren’t skinny enough for that..’
‘but if you eat salad all summer’
Soon you can’t look at yourself.
Soon the Monster of self hatred turns you to more
because the diets aren’t enough
so spring break after a bowl of corn chips
you close the bathroom door
and the porcelain becomes your ally.
friends may know.
but you can be sneaky.
after all, how else would you manage your size?
Eventually it isn’t enough, you want quicker results.
And the monsters of self hatred are eating you up.
you’ve grown now of course.
pushed away friends who knew who wanted you to get help.
Because this Monster, This darkness in your mind,
your only friend.
No more food.
leave crumbs and a buttered kife.
anything eaten, behind the bathroom door.
And very soon
The blades come out to play.
So intriguing how easy it is.
and how simple to hide.
What an easy release.
17 and 110 lbs, covered in scars on her hips.
I did get help.
I went to therapy.
I loved it.
I didn’t just change these acts
I changed myself.
But I wasn’t better, I was anxious
to be done with it
to be set free.
So I stopped going.
when I wasn't totally ready.
I thought I was happy..
But is that why I relapsed?
It was only once.
But is that why I still find myself depressed?
Sometimes suicidal?
Is it my fault?
It’s usually my fault so I can see how it would be.
I lied.
That’s the truth.
And
I
Don’t
Know.
But I do know
this recovery is a continuous fight.
And I just wonder
Where am I now?

I am that girl. The strong girl. The conqueror. The positive one. I am the one who surprises everyone. The outgoing, social one. The happy one
And thanks to those people, that is also who I want to be.
But this girl is also the girl who constantly dissappoints herself. She is the one who loves and forgives everyone without second thought, but struggles to love and forgive herself. The weak, fragile, and afraid one. The one who sees how bad things could really get. The one who realizes that the “rock bottom” that she hit in the past was just a lucky ledge, caught on the way into the dark abyss. She, the terrified little girl, with monsters in her mind, She sees that it gets darker, and is constantly praying that the sun in her life won’t set. But she’s also one who loves the pitch black silence of middle of the night because it’s nice knowing that the world she’s putting on a front for is asleep and unaware.
She is the one who has struggled and suffered. She is the one who always will. But she is the fighter, not the quitter. She, herself, is victory.

There is so much that nobody knows.
There is so much more to me.

And just when I think I'm okay...
"What are those scars on your leg?"
"just don't worry about it" I say
it's all going to hell
I don't know what else
there is
to say about it.

I am only ever
pinned after
from hundreds of miles away.
And that doesn't seem fair today.

but what ever is anyway?

I miss you already
And I can't say
That I wish you would stay
But I do wish
That the time
will pass quick.
So there's won't
Be too much time to miss
Your perfection.

Foreheads close
And noses cold.
Your love reached in
And warmed my soul.

I know
that whatever I do
I can do it with you.
Thankfully,
you'e by my side
day and night.
In the dark
and through the storms
You'll be might light
and You'll be my warmth.
You give me strength
and reason to breathe.
You are everything that I need.
You have saved me from my sin
You bring hope to me again.
        This month we celebrate your birth
the most joyous day on all the earth.
The world fills with your love
and gratitude for Thee above.
        We thank Thee, Lord
for the sacrifice
of your precious earthly life,
that you may feel
our joy and pain
that we can be with you again.
        Because I know I'm never alone
and that you're with me through the storm
I can endure through the darkest night
because I know that you're by my side.

With Gratiude
and Love for thee,
your humble servant,
        Makenzie.

Sometimes, you tend to internalize. I used to hate it (and I’ll admit some days I sort of do), but now I understand why you do.

Hey, you
are stronger than you know
And I promise that it shows
Even if you don't see
You're more powerful than you think
You can acomplish anything
even when it feels like you're sinking.
you've got it in you
to prove
everyone wrong.
you. are. strong.
Please believe it.

You are not everything that I want
You could be.
You are on your way there.

Bragging about what an amazing guy you are is so much better when it’s to someone who used to know you. I get to explain that I, I have the best version of you.

We are laying in bed with our legs intertwined, and I can't think of anything besides how lucky I am to have you here at my side.

In the darkness here at night
I lay awake
And question why
I’m not enough to satisfy
Your lust, your love, or your desires.

As my heart breaks,
at the thought of her, or them,
Ready and waiting for you,
If you’re ready to crawl back to them,
My hands shake.
I wish that you would hold me tight
And then I think twice...

The way you pluck, and play
my chordae tendonae,
Is quite the show, I’d sure say.

Your broke your way into my heart
Like the ocean waves
Breaking along the shoreline
Quietly,
And loudly...
All at the same time.
Gradually,
But in one fell swoop...
And it went on and on.
Like the ocean,
I don't think it has ever stopped.
You worked your way into my heart
Like the tide
Ever increasing
     in intensity
     and in power
     and in volume.
But when high tide came
You gave your last wave
And it crashed into me
And washed over me
   And sent me falling
      and sent me tumbling
         And left me reeling to catch my breath.
But it's exhilarating
The not knowing
     Which way is up
     Or down
     Or left
     ...Or which way is right....
It's liberating
the warmth on my skin.
And even with the crash of the tide
I love even the thought
of you being at my side.
And I dream of diving in
to your deep blue peace
     and chaos
     and beauty
Into the deep blue unknown.
That's the beauty of it...
I don't know.

My heart was ice
But I met you
Before I was ready
And patiently, you
Waited for my availability
I kept hold
Of all the cold
Until I chose
To let go
And let you in
To melt what had frozen,
And you were there for all of it.

In your arms I find home
And in your skin I wish I could burrow.
In your chest hair I weave my fingers
In your legs I tangle mine.
And when you leave, the feeling lingers
And the warmth left by you
Is like the moment my skin feels the sunshine.

“It’s you.
It’s always been you.
It’s always going to be you”