The lights are dim,
Smoke is filling the room
He sits and watches this cowboy show
And I am writing this poem with wet hair.

Wow, I never thought I'd see jack from titanic in a cowboy hat.

You tell me I have to start sleeping right
but you don't know why I'm up at night
and since when have you made decisions
about what I choose to do in my own life
the last time I remember you having a say
was way back when- before the rain came
inside my head is a war, it's been going on
for longer than you've been gone-
have no fear, this isn't your fault
it's mine for trying to rely on someone
*who is not myself.

Yesterday
extremely
overwhelmed
she held me
crying a lot
let go of me
she leaves
more crying
******.

Feeling disconnected,
from the ones who surround you each day, is sadder and scarier than being lost in the darkest of caves.

I look one way only to be turned away,
someone else is more important right now.
I search for comfort from others
who I've grown close to with time.

It's not the same.

It all becomes a very depressing pattern,
what happens over the time it takes
for you to become, locked out.
Until only special people can help.

There's a moment when you first wake up
when you don't remember anything
you're just awake.
In this moment you feel no pain, no worries
but as I wake up this morning
The first thought in my head is
I want to wake up next to him
Followed by sighs and turning around
I decide I'll sleep longer.

But where am I supposed to roam
when the bullying follows me
everywhere that I go, even *home?

Shame encircles me
It's a cloudy fog that blurs everything,
Making it harder to see reality
I run inside my mind and hide in a dream.

I am a master at romanticizing!
I might even avoid you to interact with a fantasy,
My mind likes to protect me by airbushing things,
even though what I want is to live authentically

Every moment that I'm not present
Is a lost opportunity to change my mindset.
I'm trying to push past my negative thoughts
and ground myself but I feel so stupid.

I want an identity.

She lays there under her blankets...
and tries so hard to sleep.
But each time her phone lights up the room,
she feels how her heart leaps.

It yearns for him; his presence,
just a glimpse of his hand holding hers.
She just wants to hear his laugh again
and feel every word.

I check on you,
despite being blocked
I wonder what you're up to.
In the end I miss you often,
how could I not?
You were around for so long...
but I'm slowly learning
how to live without you.

That I want you to make marks on my skin...?

I don't go to sleep when I say I do.
But not because I'm not wanting to...
I'm always tired but the light's always on
the light inside of my mind never goes off.

I think of him often... More often than not
I wish I could hold him, and see him a lot.
And every night as I'm laying here...
I pretend he's beside me, even though he's there.

But when the hours pass by at this time of night
I do end up sleeping, even when I feel uneasy.

Do you ever have one of those smiles...
you know, the kind only someone special can cause.
The kind where your heart doesn't exactly drop,
but it's a similar feeling just way slowed down.
Maybe this sensation I'm trying to describe is called melt?
That kind of smile.
Where your heart just melts as the corners of your lips turn up and create the opposite of a frown.
That kind of smile where you receive chills,
not necessarily anywhere special
just scattered chills that make the whole thing feel even better.
A smile that you're excited to show,
a truly amazing smile.

Everything is getting blurry as
you walk away from me in fury.
So many questions run through
my mind as I take in all the times
that we've had and where we've
been. You always find new ways
to make my head spin. Knowing
that you won't be anymore tops
it all off.

I'm not okay, without you here. I feel afraid, when you're not near. I miss you and the way your voice sends energy throughout my veins. Us being so far apart, leaves me in pain. As these few weeks turn into days I know that when I see you it'll all be worth it. For you, I'll endure it.

Furiously caught up in you..
I see the sun rising from the East
and am notified that you're asleep
because you're on the other side of
the country, where the sun decides
to set each night; in the West
so you can't quite see the light yet
but I can and it taunts me because
it knows what I'm thinking-
I wish it wouldn't rise this morning
because if I can't see anything then
there's no way to be reminded of you
there's no light to shine through the
cracks and windows in my room to
wake me up and say:
"guess what.."
**No, just go away.

I'm now at my personal high.
No more fighting; no more lies.
I'm readying myself for a brand new life.
A beginning that I myself couldn't pass.

When you say my name that way,
and I can hear it in your voice...
that your smiling, it makes me smile too.
I love smiling with you you.

The sky has turned dark
Another day has passed,
though it hasn't been the best.
I'm happy right now knowing
I'll see you in my dreams while I rest.

You make me smile
by doing the smallest things.
You make me feel happy
when I'm becoming upset or angry.
You make me forget those things
that made me so upset.
I'm sorry I can't stop staring at you
but it's your fault my heart's not taking a rest.

I can't take this anymore
stress is consuming me
I'm now on the floor
crying uncontrollably
because of all of you.
I no longer have room
for anyone who isn't
willing to try
Willing to try to stay
by my side
if you don't want me
in your life
then get the **** out of mine
Because I'm done.

I'm not sure if I'm tired or wide awake
but I know for a ******* fact that if
I see one more black thing
dart from point A to point B
out of the corner of my eyes-
I'm switching rooms tomorrow night,
I'm sick of waking up paralyzed
from drunken dreams that force me
to think of him and wonder why
I can't be wrapped up in his arms.

Russia has a new weapon,
Talking to you is the closest I'll ever be to heaven.
Eleven minus seventeen is six, in case you didn't know
I'm aware I'm making no sense but I don't care so...

Hot tea, singing MC
to myself, as I day dream
17 more days,
16 more nights

until I will feel him, hugging me tight.

I sink under the water
holding my breath until
I hear the thunder that
wakes me up and pulls
me out.

I grip my wash cloth as
I inhale steam, I'm burning.

Sometimes I leave my computer on
when I'm trying to fall asleep at night...
it used to bother me greatly,
but now it just reminds me of when you were here.

You claim you're the devil
to everyone around you there
I don't see it in you,
but if that's the case
I don't mind being Satan's girl.

I know I tell you how I miss you a lot, but it's not my fault, you just have a way of captivating my thoughts.

Last night I cried
until I had red eyes
hyperventilating;
I was
continuously saying
that I wanted to die
in between every breath
trembling;
I was
mumbling little nothings
that meant everythings yet
no one wanted to hear me.
I am
breathing;
steadily now, the next day.

I'll be nineteen soon,
then twenty...
I wonder how far
I'll have come by then.

That age isn't so far away,
what's so special about it?
Nothing.
It's a number that signifies how far I've come.

That's about it.

my eyes sting from tiredness
also from tears of laughter
i love tonight, you're such an enchanter.

I'm wearing a candy necklace as I walk around this village there are so many thing that I happen to be seeing I see a little old lady crossing the street as I move the necklace between my lips and bite off a circular; flavorless piece little kids are playing and I'm shuffling my feet I sure do wish I could start all over in this life but somehow know everything that I do now I would eat less and stop trying to figure out how when where and why there are too many reasons and things in life to always be flooding inside of my mind as I'm sitting on a bench I pull the last pill off from this necklace and notice how things are becoming blurry   ..Maybe this time I'll do better and think less about things that shouldn't mean anything. What's the point anyways everything is hopeless these days I'm not doing anything it's a struggle to stay awake I used to sleep at night and go outside during the day but now I just want everything and everyone to disappear; go away which is why I'm leaving the planet today.

In my room,
in my bed.
Under blankets,
resting my head.
In your hoodie,
I remember
you were wearing
when we first met.
I'm really tired,
I want you here
in my room,  
half asleep
and holding me
in your sweater
that you gave me.

I want to be close to you
as close as I can get
close enough to hear your heartbeat,
close enough to feel your breath hitting my neck..
when I'm feeling this way
my heart races always...
if only you were here,
you'd hear me whispering your name.

I can tell, you're pushing me out.
You're growing tired of having me around.
It's obvious and makes me feel as though
I could just drown...
I never thought the day would come
when you'd want me out.

this night is over
i'm all tired out
remember when I say
everything's okay,
d*on't let them bring you down
because tomorrow is another day
and things will turn around.

I'd rather be cold with him, than be cold with someone else.

You didn't see this coming, did you?
You couldn't handle it when you saw me crying and heard me mumbling about how I've been wishing for death to find me and rock me to sleep. But that doesn't mean that you can control me... You're feeling like you've failed me. You're wondering what it is you've done that could possibly make me want to disappear forever, you've done nothing worth mentioning so don't worry, you're in the clear.

Honestly I am so done with your ****
*               I need help, won't you do this?
This time no, I don't think that I will
I'm tired of trying to do a good deed
just for you and it comes right back-
freezing my heart some worn out
number below zero degrees. I'm
so tired of trying to be there for you
always 100 percent and you just not
seeing it. you made me go from types
of sublime to forms of somber. You
were never really-TRULY-there for
me I now can remember that, simply.
This is my goodbye, don't contact me
again in this life.

I was going to write something sweet and poetic for you, but I lost my thoughts when I saw your green circle turn transparent. I love you, husband. I'll see you soon enough...

Another month has gone
And my cards have been drawn,
I look them over and wait
until I can feel what they say.

I've felt so overwhelmed lately,
Life can be so challenging.
It makes sense when I see
The nine of swords in front of me

I'm surrounded by triggers of anxiety,
People I want to please,
A job I intend to keep,
Time continuing on, forgetting about me.

It's stressful.
But I know things will change,
Eventually I'll flow like a jellyfish
Because the empress appeared today.