You know the worst thing about agoraphobia?

Everyone always knows where the ******* are!

I'm scared to stop.

Because if I do

I may never get going again.

You never
knew how
much I lost
in loving you.

And Loss is
not always
synonymous
with the bad.

With this Release life's studio is taking it's sweet time

So I'm just left Waiting to be back at my **Optimistic Prime

So I'll make my 1st guess, my 2nd and my 3rd
And they'll all be wrong or right
But this isn't Rumplestiltskin
Just grim
No fairies or happy endings,
Just tales.

So I'll make my 4th guess, my 5th and my 6th
And they'll all be wrong or right.
But there's no clarity to be had in being cowardly
Just underserved charity
And that case just doesn't suit me.

So I'll make my 7th guess, my 8th and my 9th,
And I might just have had enough to make the call.
So send me down the direct line
The blunt knife may cut deep
But at least it won't chip away at me endlessly like the nth degree, the not knowing...

Forever Endeavour
Our *Women, Our Men

Together Endeavour
from Days Dawn to Days *End

There was an old man
round my ends,
Looked like a cross
between Santa and a fisherman,
bucket hat and cane in hand.
And though it sounds odd
and hard to understand
As a child I was convinced
he was my guardian angel,
Was sure no one else
could see him but me.
And whenever I spotted him
I'd be filled with a kind of serenity.
He was an elusive being,
most likely a reclusive being
but he always had a smile for me
and in that smile
was such a sincerity
that I've rarely seen since.
Laughing eyes that would
be gone in a blink
And though I never
had a conversation with him
I never felt like words were  needed
Cause all was said with a shared *grin

In the moment
you realise
you can't go
and comfort
that one person
when it feels
like the most
natural thing to do.

And you can't go
to that one person
for comfort when
they're the only person
you want to go to.

When my Dad used to come up in my face
And smile at me As a baby
I used to push him away
Give me my space
Jheez!

And at aged 3 when I used to rest my head
On lil blondies shoulder as we watched tv
In nursery
He  would push me off constantly,
First taste of rejection
Jheez!

And as a pre teen
When that little **** Esteban was showin off and being mean
Got my brother in a headlock till he couldn't breath
Grabbed him off, pushed him over a wall as I screamed even though he was older and much bigger than me
Made me so angry!
First time I laid hands on someone in defence of my family
Haven't had to do it since, thankfully
Shock of me switching actually made him come up after and say sorry
Jheez!

As a Teen, chillin in the park, all sunny
When this lil kid who looks half asleep
Cycling in his dressing gown
comes up to me
Asking if I wanna buy some ****
Pushing drugs?!
Someone should be pushing him on a ****** swing , he's only a baby!
Makes my heart bleed
Jheez!

And every ****** mornin
As I'm getting to where I need to be
Getting pushed onto this train
By impatient imbeciles
When there is no need
There's another one comin in 3!
So why am I hovering under someones smelly armpit all awkwardly?
Jheez!

**All this pushing, all this pulling
this game of tug of war,
really puts me on ****** edge,
I really can't take no more.
But city life is city life
Jheezus you know the score!

You can Iron out the Dents in your Confidence As much as you like

But it's much better done with
Some Self E**steem

I no longer wanna be a hypocrite

            So I no longer wanna **talk

I have made my peace
With all that is fleeting

The ships will sail
To where they're meant to be

Time will run as it always has
But it shall not run from me

I will not stand and watch as they go
I will not give chase as they leave

Time will run
And ships will sail

But I will go my own way to see
What awaits me

I will be left
Though not alone

But Smiling

With all the memories
That accompany me

Well if you're the First thought

I guess I could only ever be what came *After

Pain gets passed along a chain,
from You to Me
from Me to Him
and now we're all sat here
upset for the same reason.
But this wasn't the bonds i hoped for
or the ties I wished to make or keep.
Try to break the cycle,
but apologies just won't cut it,
for goodness sake, too weak

She couldn't love You,
You couldn't love Me,
I couldn't love Him.
Don't you wish you could
go back to the beginning?
But where do you start in a circle?
A ring has no beginning or ending
it's everlasting,
that's why it's a symbol for Love,
so if I can't exchange it
maybe in verse I can
inverse all of the above

He loved Me,
I loved You
and You loved Her
and loves a beautiful thing,
and I hope one day soon
we'll all be able to
love ourselves too,
truely deep within
and on that day perhaps
this chain will cut us some slack,
we'll be facing the right way
and will be able to see Love
and give it back.
Cause the thing about chains,
they can run either way,
joy gets passed along too
during happier days
and they will come,
surely as this chain
remains undone.

**Name's Bond, Chains Bond

You don't need Comfort

You don't need Distraction

What you need is a plan of Action

Walked into a school

And taught a lesson to us all;

With one moment in the present

You can ****** the **future

They said the world is your oyster!

So I jumped off a bridge

To see if there was any truth to it


Would it swallow me up

Make use of the ****

Spit me back out

Having made a pearl from it

Sat on a train
and I gaze along
face after face
of strangers
that all share
this same moment
in time and space
and yet they're
all so vacant,
staring into space
and time bears
no relevance,
cause its the same thing
day in day out,
all of us sat there,
headphones intact
listening to our
own soundtracks
as we make our way
through tunnels
unaware of the tracks sound
as we're shuttled around
and I'm dumbfounded
by how wisdom
is found in the loss of interaction,
sat across a
man in a suit 
clocking up percentages
and in a fraction,
I've took stock
and mocked up
a story for him
through his action ,
this one man
of many in this
age of distraction
Until  this traction 
created by volt-age
comes to a halt
as this train stops
at the station,
my station in sight,
this stationary moment
of insight interrupted
as doors open,
my form plateaus
as I step onto
the platform,
leaving this
train of thought
for another one,
adjourned as
I Journey on.

Don't walk round eggshells with me

Until your feet bleed

It just (chicken) feeds the *insecurity!

If heartbreak's the motivation,

I can't help but wonder what love will do...

It's cool though
Cause I know
That once I'm in a better place
What you've done or what you do
Will be irrelevant in my headspace

I'll find my State of Grace.

I remember when I wrote
my first proper story at ten
It was called Gateway to Heaven.

When My grandad died
I found myself preoccupied
With the notion of the afterlife
Cause I could not believe that someone
Like him could simply be gone.
Couple that with an obsession
With space exploration
And what you got was a spiritual sci-fi.

To be honest it was more a screenplay
I bought it into class
for some reason one day
Not sure why
Maybe I wanted someone to read it.
Left it on my desk and went for a ****
And when I got back my teacher
Who had a bit of a flare for the amateur dramatics
WAS reading it.

I was met with an intrigued gaze as I walked back in,
I remember thinking
ahh why are you going through peoples things?!
That's rude!
(Although I secretly knew she would)

Tryin not to blush as she asked
Me questions about it,
then asked me to stand up and read the plot out to the class.

At this point what you've got to factor in
is that I was incredibly shy,
hmm no maybe not shy,
more under confident.
Not cripplingly so,
don't get me wrong
I was incredibly social,
was very popular in my class as a child
but when it came to sharing thoughts of my introspection,
any talent or shows of confidence,
well let's just say I'd learnt to keep that **** to myself...

But I stood up and read it.

And was met with a
mass of baffled gazes,
a memory that I don't think
will ever leave me.
To be fair it was pretty out there,
all black holes, theology and grief.
The silence that fell,
matching the silence of space itself
makes me wary of silences still.
That eternal moment
Tryin to Guage the judgement
thinking oh **** it!
now everyone knows I'm weird,
shoulda just stuck to my status quo in my final year.

But it was broken eventually
by my friend Funmi who said
"I don't get it"
I'll never forget it,
it was sorta funny,
mostly disappointing.
I wish I had the mentality at that time to think these guys just ain't ready for me
but I guess that was that,
class went back to what it was doing,  
teacher came up with
a look of approval and some words of encouragement which was odd,
she wasn't my favourite teacher at all
and she knew it full well
and i spose that marks my underwhelming moment in the spotlight...

*Although I've always
maintained the belief
that it'll shine bright on me one day
or maybe I'll outshine it

You wasn't there for me

In truth I don't make it easy


You wasn't there for me

In all honesty I didn't expect you to be


You wasn't there for me

And part of me really wished you woulda been


You wasn't there for me

But I'm starting to believe that I didn't need you to be


Cause when was you there for me?

When it suited your needs?

When was you there for me?

You wasn't

So I'll throw stones,
cause I can already see the cracks
aim for them and brace myself
for all that's hailed back

Cause sometimes the best way
to see who you really are
is to see what you do under attack

I won't rely on glass to protect me,
I'll have my own back

Shatter my own shell
Be rid of false Fragility,
Free all the ability
With the agility
Gained from the shield I now lack

Go with God?
But *who is God to me?
Would you have me walk
side by side with a stranger?

Walk with the Lord?
No.
I run and I run free,
spirit and its not holy.
Besides he doesn't Walk with me

The Lord is my shepherd?
But I'm no sheep.
I belong to no flock
I long to be heard
so I stand independently.

Go to God?
I did in my time of need
but his churches gates
were closed to me,
shunned on steps seeking sanctuary
and yet it gave me the clarity
I needed to move on in life.
In seeking solace
I found growth
in the solitary, ironically.

I found a certain kind
of serenity wash over me
in rejection
an epiphany even.

That I Can't trust in God
cause I no longer
believe in He
who I cannot see,
who I can no
longer hear speak.

And it's not a matter
of right or wrong
my faith has taken me
down a different path.
Where I need to learn
to put trust in the fallacy
of human beings
of people,
of you and me.

And maybe just maybe...
that was his plan all along.

I wasn't meant to resent,

Yet all I feel is resentment.

Maybe it's cause I refuse to give up my ideals

Maybe it's cause I can't live up to them myself

Maybe it's cause they're compromised by how I feel

**Emotions don't always bode well with Ideals

Big blue eyes
Most gorgeous you'd ever seen
Shy smile
Trade mark family chubby cheeks
Staring at this photo of us three
We're only babies
Hadn't seen you for years
Family drift apart you see
But in my heart and
This photograph you'll always be.

Was sat on a wall today
And you crossed my mind
As I spoke to a friend
About Past times
And the emotion hit
I cried unexpectedly
I remember as my Dad told me
I didn't believe it
Till Dre rang me up the next minute
I said it out loud
And my voice cracked
Said I'd have to ring back

Sweet 16
Just survived major brain surgery
Chucked over the wall
And left slumped in the cold
like a Rag doll
Probably mistaken for drunk,
Out cold, another wasted teen
Yeah another wasted teen
but not in that sense,
he took your life
***** and murdered at Sweet 16

Two years younger than me
Doing well, despite adversity
Following your hopes and dreams
befriended this fiend
out of kindness and pity
He showed you none
Makes me angry
In court they tried to take away responsibility
By saying he had learning difficulties
And was high on ****
But he left you in that alley
And walked back home casually
No sign of sorry
Not even now.

You'd be 21 this year
And I can't help but wonder
What you'd be doing
if you were here
I walk past the salon and see your
Little sister doing hair
All grown up
And for a moment I stare
See her shy smile
And I become well aware
Of what strength truly is.

And truth is, I don't know
If I believe in all what lies above
But what I do know is this;
You were loved,
you ARE loved
And I don't believe
anything lies above that
It's everlasting.

You didn't get enough time
And neither did he
But that will never take away
From all the moments you did see
So maybe I can put down this photograph
Cause I don't need to See to Believe
In all that you are And will always be
Much more than just a tragedy,
Big blue eyes, shy smile
and trade mark chubby cheeks
**You're Our Jessie.

Don't lose yourself

In the promise of finding yourself

Cause you were always right here

A person and a place I'd always want near.