Don't lose yourself

In the promise of finding yourself

Cause you were always right here

A person and a place I'd always want near.

If you wanna be my lover
*** is 50p
Condoms are 1.50
Buy one get one free!

I guess I should grab a tissue
as you start to take issue
with everything I say or do.
It's nothing new
To push away that's what you do,
we're through anyway so it's cool.
I wish you knew my value, it's true
but I expect no less from you

**Do what you gotta do

Someone that gets it
Yet offers a different perspective
So sincerely
That I cannot reject it

Some of these spiritual people
claiming to show you the way
are some of the most
 Lost
Fraudulent
Superficial
*******
you will ever meet in your life.
I tell you this today.
So be careful as they offer a hand,
claim to help you understand
they may just take your life away.

I see them taking advantage
of the vulnerable,
of young girls who've lost their way.
  Beautiful but insecure,
party life took its toll,
it's just not enough any more
so they exchange
night life for light life
unaware that they've just landed
in another snake pit
concealed with all this Free Love ****. 
When all these men
want to do is justify
sleeping around without
having to commit
and these unloved young girls
just go with it
cause of this "Free Love" ****

You ain't free, love!
They're just using you
for their own profit,
only to cut you off,
steal your voice
when you get upset
cause of this "Free love" ****

**Bun a self proclaimed prophet!

You can keep your obligation
You can keep your guilt
Neither are worthy motivation
To clean up what you spilt

Carve them into your
Swords ******* hilt
For the next sucker to swallow
Under the pretense of **help

I'm Lost amongst the Lost
Surrounded by the dumbfounded
Asking for direction but no one knows the way
Trying to focus in an intoxicated state
Scrambling through the crowds
To find a way out instead of through
Drifting further and further away
from the truth
Growing aloof and resentful
Sticking with the stuck
At a standstill
I choose to stand still
STOP
And stare at these people all over the place
These all over the place people
Going 100 miles per hour
But heading nowhere fast
Close eyes
And realise that this way of life ain't for me
Trapped in a vat of social distraction
Too long stuck on repeat
Tired by the tedium
I harbour some eMotion
Sidestep the commotion
But unlike so many
I'm no Escapee...

**I just aim to Break Free
So I can get back to being Me

In the early hours
Sat here deciding
That I'm no longer gonna drink.
I don't feel hungover
I don't feel sick
But the low is really not worth it
And it's bad
It'*****

Very much like I coulda been
last night if things had taken
a different turn
Albeit an unjustified
and unnecessary one.
Undoubtedly why I'm feeling so glum

Caused by "girls"
who can't handle their drink
that would knock
you the **** out if you
looked at them wrong.
Yeah those ones

Putting me on the defence,
Making ****** comments.
Callin me a ponse
Cause they think my friend
Keeps throwing money behind the bar
While we all stand back and let her
But they're wrong.
I don't think that I've ever been
questioned on my generosity
Mainly cause no one
in that regard
has a leg to stand on.

And the fact that my sister
felt the need
to take me to one side and tell me
what they had to say
in the bathroom baffles me.
I try not to read into it
too much cause she's tipsy,
but you're making a point about something and I wonder what is the need?
I haven't felt this uncomfortable
and angry since I was a teen
When I had to deal with
your dumb friends then
and their jealousy.
So quit it,
I'm too old for this ****.

I wonder if it had kicked off,
Would you have backed me?
The fact that I'm not so sure
Has me questioning loyalties.

Cause it got my back up.
It killed my vibe dead.
In fact at that point I would have left
But the only reason I'm here in the first place is for my friend
Yeah you've thrown this
surprise birthday for her,
that you clearly want recognition for,
And it's nice
But you've known her for five minutes
I've known her for life
So relax before you twist in the knife
You know nothing

Got me thinking
when did peoples opinions
that don't matter
start mattering to me again?
Why did I feel like I
somehow had to make amends?
Are these really people I wanna call friends?
And would this scenario have played out any different minus the drink?

Did that one bad vibe skew my perception of that night onwards
Cause I swear these girls were slyly tryin
to hot me up as only females do
That bitchiness wrapped up in banter
but my gut knew
When that lil voice in my head took an inhale of breath and went "ooo"
Backed up by the realest one, the one I like, tellin em to back off
Girls thinkin they're fine cause they got back off, but girls need to back off
cause their attitude stinks,
grown *** women should know better
but oh no they didn't!

Shotting looks at you when you walk off to go talk and dance with the guys.
And they wonder why?
Reminds me why I prefer male company
at times
Cause sometimes they're no better.

When did all this insecurity
creep back up on me?
I think I really need to reevaluate the company I keep.
You know what gets me,
less than a year ago this wouldn't have even bothered me.

It's funny cause less than a year ago,
I didn't drink or party,
it just didn't appeal to me.
I contemplate the reason why I started cause this is far from being carefree.
When you're starting to relate to those who will stand on the edge
of Waterloo Bridge
to test the waters
you're far from happy.
So I stop and think...

**And I know It's definitely time
to stop the drink.

Seal of Approval,
he claps his
flippers for you.

So it's only right
You throw him
A fish or two.

;-)

And so you're stood here
feeling the Exclusion

Cause now you're the Problem

When once you were the Solution

Spillin** my *****
Killin my spirit
Fillin my cup
Willing I'll feel it

Why is it that when someone
lets you down it becomes
a culmination of all the other let downs?

You say that they've always been around
when you know full well that they haven't.
But then can anyone ever be?

It's cool right, cause people got life's to live,
I don't begrudge it, but it just adds to a lil warning sign, a check to Reality

Are we really as close as we claim to be?

I know I've been there for you and you've been there for me

**But are we really as close as we claim to be?

Here's to the guy
Who came up to me in
My anxiety fuelled time of need
As I waited for a long overdue meet
At Kings Cross Station
Bag of skittles in hand
Opened them up
And poured the rainbow into
my palm all sweaty
"What's your name?"
"Rhian"
"I'm Jack"
And smiled at me.
Left to spread the glee
Amongst the folk surrounding me.
Left me laughing
with this little act of kindness
Made me once again believe
that someone was watching over me,
Sending angels to let me
know it's not so bad really
and offer relief.

And Here's to Jack
Who stood up in class in year 3
And declared his love for me
Incredibly loudly
As I sunk down in my seat
Wishing the ground beneath
My feet would open up
And swallow me.
Made me shy around guys
For a good part of my life
Subsequently.

And here's to Jack
Who I met a few years later
With the Ashwarya Rai eyes
Face of an angel, little devil mentality.
Used to get on well, he was funny
beat him at Tekken in play scheme.
Didn't believe it when my friends
told me he was a bit crazy,
Till the next year he fell in
with the wrong crowd and made me
wary with his manic tendencies
Made me cry one time with his teasing,
his spiteful streak
Punched my friend Rosie
Gave her a black eye
cause he was angry
Laughed about it as he got kicked out
Was from a rocky background
It's sad he wasn't even a teen.

And lastly and most importantly
here's to Jak without a "C"
From the Weird Bond-age
 and the most special to me.
A beautiful human being
With a karma chameleon personality
Playing the accommodating game
As he adapts to what you need
Psychology, sociology, Bubbleology?!
Made me happy during a time
I didn't think I'd be
Hot stepped it around the city
With me when I was at my most lonely
Strolling down central streets,
sitting in Maccy D's
having them DMCS
Funny Valentine's dashes
and Christmas eve.
Held my hand and held me
As I cried and denied
My feelings and grief
Accepted me when I was angry
First person I argued with
outside of my family
And though it was stress
You allowed me to express
myself honestly
I loved you before that
but for that I will eternally.
I didn't do right by you
Cause I had nothing left to give
For me independence is key
So I couldn't be what you
wanted me to be
And though
we no longer speak
You're in my thoughts, my heart
and in my memory
For an eternity
You truly touched me you see
and maybe one day
you'll forgive me
And I will myself
But no matter what
I hope you're happy
Cause you deserve to be.

I know I cared
I'm sure I did
For it had to exist
For me to now feel the absence of it

It's hard not to lose sight in pain
When it seemed any gain came at a loss
Looking at what remains
Weighing up your kind nature as its cost

Used to be someone you could call upon
But now I'll turn you away
Outrightly tell you to *******
Cause I have nothing left to say

And it hurts me

In fact today it made me feel ashamed

Yet I still maintain I need some space

Lone wolf creation, a one horse race

But when a nation
Becomes isolationist
You better hope those bonds within
Don't come loose or snap
Cause when a nation
Becomes isolationist
There might be no coming back...

**Together

Forever, Endeavour, Our Women, Our Men

Cast Away the Pain or become a Cast Away in Pain

Again and Again

There was a time yours
meant a lot to me,
but now they run
over and over
in my mind
on repeat,
haunting me.
Like a hit and run driver,
tax disk empty.
Is that what all
those deep words
filling up
my glass were?
Empty.
Cruel how words last centuries.

Whatever it is that makes "Us"

I'm Hoping that when we're together you'll Remember

And when we're not, you won't forget.

Why is everybody so lonely?*

Reaching out online for someone to understand

But can they hold your hand?

Like I can

Give you a hug with the up most sincerity?

Like me

Can you really recreate that intimacy

Without physical Reciprocity

Or is it all just fantasy?


And yeah maybe

One day you'll meet

But will it just be a novelty

Once you Wipe away the allure of anonymity

Where you can disappear or project with ease

Cause were you even there in the first place

Did you really want to be seen?


And I ask myself

Why is everybody so lonely?

Dismissing all around them with ease

Too afraid to speak

Keeping those in reality at proxy

Serving what need?

The right to anonymity

Cause I don't think you really wanna be seen

True Bonds are too risky

Rather shun that responsibility

In case they leave

Or you want to.


And you wonder

Why everybody is so lonely

When Social interaction has become so empty

People with an inability to truly listen or speak

Cause they're too busy

Heads bowed down to mobile technology

World wide web retreat

Was my guy Jamiroquai right!

Is the Future made of Virtual insanity?

Cause if we're all so connected

Then why is everybody so lonely?



**Cause they choose to be.

A lot of us aren't fully what we make out to be
but a lot of us are sincerely trying to be and I believe beauty still lies in the forgery if you see it for what it is...

And I wonder how do I live a life without expectations when all I have are dreams?My hopes my only salvation or so it seems.

The biggest killer?

DISAPPOINTMENT

It gets us all

I don't know if it's good to make light of things that upset you.
I don't know if that joke takes away from the pain.
I don't know if that laugh makes me strong or a liar.
All I know is a good sense of humour has got me through time and again.

I wonder how far
you can change your personality
and all those susceptibilities.
Those patterns you follow
as you weave your fate.
But is it your own?
Can you trust in those
sense and sense abilities?
Cause personally
I don't know
if this personality
is something you *own.

Am I just supposed to keep putting myself in predicaments of pain?
Feeling the impending rejection time and again
Second guessing till I'm driven insane
Losing patience in this waiting game
Unsure if there's anything to gain
Amongst all this loss
Reason I walked away in the first place
Rebounded back as I felt the strain
Hoping things would change
But have they?
Have they changed?
I don't think so
And is it my right to wish it?
Have I changed?
I don't know
And though it's hard to admit it
What I want to grow
Is not what I need to grow
And though I'm reaching my limit
This was all about letting go
From the start right to the *finish

You* shoulda been the one to see me cry.

Maybe that way I wouldn't have to live a *lie.

Doing work experience
in a nursery, aged fifteen.
All mood swings
and low self esteem.
Feeling self conscious
cause my face was spotty.

Little girl of about 3 
comes up to me and asks
"Do you have chicken pox?"
Proceeds to tell me
What her Mummy
had done to help hers
And if I'm gonna get up from my seat

Cause you may be Moody,
You may be spotty
But you can still come
and play hopskotch with me.

Rid me of my newly found vanity.
Made me laugh so much,
Put me at ease
That level of inquisitive innocence,
Without any judgement,
That blessed naivete.
I don't think there's a
more endearing quality.

**A little one rarely fails to
restore my faith in humanity

Life in Limbo**

How

Low

Can

You

Go?

Me a pessimist?

Haha! You mistake me my friend

What I am is an *idealist

That has been met with great disappointment