Don’t you feel that we really belong because
There are windmills in your eyes
Darker than for your mother’s sadness when she goes
Away into the loneliness in her kitchen:
And there doesn’t have to be any more reason for these
Tattoos except that I went away to Spain so many odd years
Ago:
I barely graduated high school: a truant with a purple
And silver jaw who is no longer beautiful-
Lost so long ago: kidnapped by the long extinctions of fireworks:
Each peeling whistle strangely reminiscent of our lives together,
Until collected under another school bus, I have nothing
Else to do but to listen to the long day as it rains
In fake knives- and my Muse named Alma turns in,
Frowning over my misuse of the queens language and all of
My scars, scarred like a spearing pylon
Presumptuous in the bay that the terrapins circle, with jokes
And farts, as she bites her fingernails,
And the green cannons bask in the seashells of the afternoon sky:
It might as well be Easter with the beauty resurrected there:
And the airplanes like metamorphosed school buses,
And the stewardesses languishing there, high atop the
Revolutions and serving drinks, smiling with the affable
Insouciance that I remembered all of my sweet hearts giving to me
From high school.

Who Are you to judge me?
I'm just a normal HUMAN BEING!
My sexuality shouldn't matter!

How would it be
In a world without hate
We will never know
**** Society

your fingers planted seeds everywhere you touched me
you watered them by whispering into my ears
and flowers sprouted from my spine each time you kissed me

I know what I said;
I know what I did.
Here you are claiming
It never happened.
I know how you are;
I know your routine.
Here you are claiming
You're not any different.
Here I am, alone,
In my perception.
Am I crazy,
Or just a victim of clever deception?

i am not an it.
i am not an object.
i have a pulse.
i have a beating heart.
i am made of stardust.
i am made up of skin and bones.
and you still call me an **it.
your mind can't grasp the idea that
i am a strong woman one day
and a strong male the next.

Everyone thinks she’s beautiful
While she thinks she’s ugly
Everyone thinks she’s perfectly skinny
While she thinks she’s fat and
She’s always put a fake smile
Like in a photograph
Where a fake smile can hide a thousand tears
She’s the girl In the photograph
Her fake smile can hide a thousand tears

I'm all on my own now
Have nothing to lose
The one thing I cared of
Decided to move (on)

I'm sitting here, waiting
For just one last call
But I'm scared of hearing
Please, don't say "Goodbye"

This world is a huge mess
My life is a huge mess

People yell at me
I'm unloved,
Bullied,
Mentally beaten,
Sleep deprived,
Hungry

I get anxiety attacks
Because of my dad,
School,
People,
The voices in my head,
And my own thoughts

And all I can say is "I'm fine."
I'm sorry,
I can't do this anymore,
I don't know if I'll ever come back
I'm not strong enough anymore,
I'm losing this fight
Goodbye, I'm done

the number you wanted
you got it
so just smile and be thankful
you thought it would make you happy
but you find yourself striving even harder still
towards
more or less

They say it's impossible to not fall in love with your guy bestfriend. Well I've been friends for 10 years and never fell in love with him.
So you can be friends with out falling in love.
But I don't know what I would do with out him. I never want to lose him. So I thank him.

Hashtag my soul away, so many can see it
I’m waving my hands saying hey look at me
Posting pics, statuses and videos
Can’t do it quietly
I want them all to See
Envy me and make me their fantasy
A few likes on this post is not enough
I deserve to get liked like I’m roylaty
adore me while you stare at the pictures
I spent hours cropping, adding more filters to guard my insecurities
Before I hashtag it, I dress it with perfection
Cut out any ugliness, clean up the mess
Show the world purity
because if they see the negative
their words will expose my insecurities
Behind this screen I found a secured me
That is the side I only want them to see
So I hashtag popular tags so they can all see
The better side of me

Have you ever been so tired, You're too tired to sleep?
Both mentally and physically?

If a forever with you
is what heaven feels like

I'd be more than willing
to take my own life

I got to experience hell
for 4 years
before I even died

It's called high school

Help
There are feeling
and I don't know what to do with them.
Please help me

"She is so nice!
She is always smiling and happy."*
-they said,
as she passed by them.
But *her pillow told a
totally different story!

Hey you, yes you, with the razor in your hand and the tears in your eyes, I hope this has reached you in time

Don't drag that blade across your wrist, leg, hip or tummy

Hey you, yes you, with the  pills in your hand and death on your mind. I hope this has reached you in time

Don't swallow those pills. I actually care

Hey you, yes you, with the rope around your neck and ***** on your breath. I hope this has reached you in time

Don't jump don't hop just stop. Remove the rope climb off the chair, I care

hey you, yes you, with the horrid past and a bright future. I'm glad this reached you in time

Now you see that I care

Standing in a place, empty, no one around waiting impatiently
for a bus that is way too late.

Noises suddenly occur behind and turning I see hordes of boys
crowding out of school, lining the street so as to be,
the first one on the bus when stopped alone.

Laughing quietly within, looking at their boyish faces of
determination, knowing I am the only woman standing there, they
choose to ignore the manners supposedly taught by their mothers.

Going along with it because I thought it was funny, blue line
bus arrives and I step back, watching shame-faced boys climb
on.

Finally a few minutes later, Central zero bus comes, it can
not pull up to the bus stop, because the line of boys is still
getting on the other bus.

Walking down the streets towards it to get on, am suddenly
surrounded and passed by over a dozen clean cut, well dressed-
boys.

They hurriedly crowd in line and get on before me, pushing
and shoving like moronic grade school boys.

Finally at the very edge of the male species, a tall young
blonde looks me in the eye and lets me get on before him.

Thanking him, I smile and climb aboard, finding a seat, I
sit down and begin writing this little excerpt on boys having
no manners at all - except the one.

They make me laugh,
They make me cry.
For any of them
I would gladly die.
I'd take a bullet
Right through my heart
Just so we
Would never part.
We were fine in the beginning,
Just a big circle of love.
I swore they were angels
God sent from above.
But as the years progressed
They started to change.
I had a bad feeling
Things would never be the same.
One went ******,
No one was safe in her path.
Things were great with the rest,
But how long could that last?
The crazy one, the loud one,
The one I consider my sister.
I found out this year
Just how much I would miss her.
A misunderstanding,
A stupid mistake.
I didn't know
How much it would take.
We're doing better now,
But it's npt the same.
Sometimes I feel like
My whole life's been rearranged.
Out of four I have two.
They've been by my side.
Around them, I know
I don't have to hide.
But, as i feared,
They're changing too.
Someone, please help me!
I don't know what to do. I can't loose them.
It'll break my heart.
I don't want us ever
To be apart.
But one's getting annoyed.
I can hear it in her voice.
She doesn't like the drama,
But this wasn't my choice!
I guess I have one
Who will always care.
Whenever I need her
I know she'll be there.
If she's not busy, that is,
Making promises she can't keep.
Then I'll have to deal on my own,
Crying myself yo sleep.
Don't think I regret meeting them
From what you have read,
Because I don't.
Remember, like I said:
They make me laugh,
They make me cry.
For any of them,
I would gladly die.
I'll hold them in my heart
For now until Forever's end.
Who are these people?
They are my best friends.

I used to think there were types of people I just couldn't be.

I can't wear makeup because that's what all the popular girls on Instagram do

I can't dye my hair freaky colours because then people will think I listen to rock music when I really like jazz

I can't wear a pink dress today because I wore all black yesterday and people will think I spent too much time organising my looks, which I did, but they can't know that!

But you know what?

There are no types of people.

There is no "popular" and "unpopular".

Because the girl you think is popular goes home to her house and you don't know what happens there.

You don't know her life is good.

Maybe they only brag about the expensive clothes they wear because they're scared and have nothing to say too.

Maybe they spent ages trying to find themselves but got torn down by everyone around them too.

Maybe they hate being friends with the friends they have but don't have the confidence you have to make it alone or find people they actually like, because they will be judged and it's just hard.

But they're just people.

When you talk to them you might see that everything is a social construct.

Literally everything.

Popularity, expectations, grades, groups.

So break the rules. Wear what you like, do the makeup you want, talk to the people you want to talk to.

Does it really matter what people might think, if we will never truly know anyways?

I do not see the hype
with High School Stereotype.
Why does it receive such attention?
It doesn't need the press's mention.

We all know of the smokers by the bike sheds,
Who have nothing but fluff in their heads.
Or the girls with skirts far too short
Who's think of *** as a  competitive sport.

The sport buffs, we've all seen,
Full of life and far too keen.
Always poised and ready to go,
Every muscle toned from head to toe.

Young student teachers are here,
Enthusiastic about Bill Shakespeare.
Attempting to teach thugs to spell,
Whilst shady Heads make their life hell.


But do not forget, those you call friend.
The ones who stay by you until the end.
Making you laugh, Keeping you sane
Through rough times they remain.
These companions fit no mould
Therefore their tale is never told.

For the greatest things in teen life
Do not need the media's strife

His eyes were blue.
You could stare at them for hours and see a rainbow of colors swirling within.
His eyes were mesmerizing; getting lost in them was far too easy.
You could see the ocean in his eyes, the way they shine just like the water does as the sun sets.
You want to jump into the sea of his eyes and see the world from his point of view.
If you look into those blue eyes you’ll see a whole new world, one so beautiful and magical you never want to leave.
So you never look into them, to begin with.
All you see is that his eyes are blue, for if you look any deeper you will drown.

Wow, his eyes sound absolutely beautiful!
I can only imagine the mesmerizing colors that can be seen in them. It's understandable why you feel like getting lost in them.
It would be so easy.
The comparison to the ocean is so fitting,
I can picture the way his eyes shine
Like the sun setting over calm waters.
Interestingly, you would want to see the world from his point of view,
Perhaps there's something special about the way he sees things.
But I can also understand why you might be hesitant
To look too deeply into his eyes,
It sounds like they hold a lot of depth and emotion.
Nonetheless, his blue eyes have left quite an impression on you.

Ok.. so here's the deal.
I like this guy but, he has a girlfriend and when you say it like that some people call it a love triangle.
All three of us fighting.
But only two of us are getting what we want.
One guess.. not me.
I always try to tell him but never get the chance.
So until i do the only thing i can do is be apart of this love triangle.
And hope one day im the one who gets what i want.
But all i can end with is be in this horrible love triangle...

When a white woman is victimized they'll scour the streets, fan out, stop,
harass, detain, arrest any black man. Anyone they can finger for the crime.

They say things such as they all look alike or something to that effect.

A black woman is abused they'll look around, see white males everywhere but they cannot find any suspects? None of them fit the description.

Why is that?

Yeah, that's right, it is because they all look alike! Too many of 'em. Can't arrest everyone now, can we? People have rights!

Yep,
          I suppose they do...



As long as you consider them,
                                                        "­p­eople,"  
                                                    ­  ­                         -they have rights.

Sit on the couch- wandering hands and wanton mouths
Every now and then one of u speaks
I love you
Between kisses
I'm wet
She'll tell U
Tell U like She's saying I love you
U never move past the make out
I'm wet She'll say
U don't know how to think
Only act
Mouths devouring mouths
Bumping teeth won't be a mood killer anymore
I'm wet She won't say it, but it's all U'll hear
U can't breathe as U push Her down onto Her back
Pull Her shirt up and kiss Her stomach
U're wet
I love you but U'll hear I'm wet
Look into Her eyes
Take off Ur shirt
She'll do as She's told
Pop the button on those jeans
Giggle when She has to stand up and hop around to get them off
Don't really know what U're doing
Feather fingers stroking the interior of Her perfect thighs
She'll sigh Ur name
Gently remove that piece of lacy-nothing
Touch Her
She's wet U'll think
Think like U're thinking *She loves me

Step 1:
Realize that winning at life does not mean that you beat others, but rather that you beat life itself. Realize that the only thing holding you back is life's grip on you that convinces you that you can't beat it. Break free of it. You're not seized by death, but by life.

Step 2:
Take care of yourself. Self-care is the most important, specifically the hard stuff. Clean your house, one room at a time. Shower, brush your hair and teeth, go for a walk outside, exercise, cook proper meals. You're not helping yourself at all by doing things you already do and enjoy. If you don't change yourself then the world won't change around you. Better yourself and everything else will follow closely in your wake.

Step 3:
Accept that happiness is a reward and not a gift. Accept that happiness is fleeting and you will have to continue to work for it if you want to keep getting it.

Step 4:
Listen to music you enjoy. Listen to music that matches your mood. Listen to music that inspires you. Trust me, it's important and you'll even enjoy it.

Step 5:
Be mature, but never grow up. Remember how to be a kid, but keep in mind that you have to be an adult sometimes. If you can decipher when each are appropriate then life will be significantly easier.

Step 6:
Get over it. It's harsh, but it's true. If you keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and are irreversible then how will you find the time to make sure the future turns out better?

Step 7:
Remember that you have plenty of time left, but that you have much control over how plenty. Remember you were born with enough time to do everything you want, but if you waste it then you'll lose it and can never get it back. Remember that if you enjoyed wasting the time then the time wasn't wasted and that you will die eventually.

Step 8:
Acknowledge that forgiveness is not a requirement. You do not have to forgive anyone who has hurt you, but people say it's nice.

Step 9:
Remind yourself that your health is more important than others' comfort. If someone feels better at your expense then they need to stop. Take care of yourself first, other people have their own coping mechanisms and they will get over it. You are your priority, no matter what.

Step 10:
Never forget that all problems have solutions. If you feel stuck, think. You'll eventually realize you know how to solve all of your problems. Never forget that solutions might not solve every problem at once, and you need to pick what's most important and what can be saved for later.

Step 11:
Accept that the future might be worse. Especially if you're in an environment you don't have full control over, things out of your hands could change for the worse. Accept that you can change most things however, and you can decide when things get better.

Step 12:
Know that there will come a time when you'll be forgotten forever and that will be so freeing. After you die, someone will think about you for the very last time and you'll be truly free. Nothing you do in life will last forever and soon everyone will have forgotten you ever existed, and it will be good.

Step 13:
Don't be superstitious. You'll worry more than you already do.

Step 14:
Realize that you won't ever get a positive answer unless you ask. No one will tell you yes unless you express that that's what you want to hear.

Step 15:
Listen to your doctors. Take your medications. Do your exercises. They studies for many years to tell you how to not die, listen to them. I promise they know more about how to help you than a random article online with no sources of sustenance.

Step 16:
Trust your gut. If you even stop to seriously consider something, it's probably at least a little bit true. If something is wrong, you will know it. You also know when that opinion is yours, or the one you've been tricked into believing is yours.

Step 17:
Think about the past. In moderation. Realize that the past is only as good as you remember it, and if you think it's better than the present then you will grow to despise the present. Realize that even if the past was better, you cannot go back and it passed for a reason.

Step 18:
Don't get back together with an ex. You broke up for a reason. Unless everything was a misunderstanding, in which case maybe. Even if you look back on your break up and think the reasons were foolish, remember that they hurt someone enough for you to break up. That will permanently damage your relationship, even if you try your hardest to fix everything.

Step 19:
Realize that you don't need to take advise from a random sixteen year old over the internet. Realize you can and should disregard any previous steps if you disagree.

Step 20:
Die knowing you lived.

It’s all been said and done before,
But we’ll say it and do it
All over again

The problem with love is that it’s as painful to lose
as it is beautiful to hold.
I was the eye of a needle in the eye of a storm;
Everything calm and clear where we stood under parity
Oblivious to my distant surroundings
And obsessed with the clarity.
Fresh air never smelt so good.
I knew they never truly felt I could survive but I could.
Now everything’s clear
And I am, this time, prepared;
My glass is half full but I’ll be careful not to spill my thoughts again.
My farcical haul through rugged-rough storms
And trivial pain
Has come to an unexpected but welcomed end.

They say when you have Autism
That you are this helpless person
A person who doesn't know anything
That no one cares about you
Or they bring pity to you

I say otherwise

I am not helpless
I know how to do things
I know how to live life
People care about  me
I don't want you pity

I am Autistic

I don't really care anymore
I wanna get out of this place

This world failed
And if you haven't noticed
If you can't tell
I don't really give a **** anymore

I've given up on people
Given up on humanity

So I don't really care anymore
Do you wanna settle the score
Tax all the poor
Lie upon the floor
Knock on Heaven's door
Because I really don't give a **** anymore

So I woke up yesterday
With nothing to say
Maybe I'm to blame
The reason things are going this way
Maybe the world's spinning
A little too fast

The race is beginning
So run or be last
The sky is turning red
The grass blue
My world's gone crazy
How are you?

So I don't have a care anymore

I'm done with my chores
And giving money to the stores
And fighting those **** wars
Because frankly
I don't give a **** anymore

So you're reading all those fairy tales
About the dragons with the silver scales
And the horses with silk tails
And the angry white whales
Well it's time to wake up
To reality
I wanna break it to ya
But that's just me
Because you're too scared to see
And too ignorant to believe
That life isn't fantasy
But then again
I don't really care anymore

It burns me to the core
That you're such a filthy *****
Who hurts the weak
And steals from poor
But I guess it's just because
I don't really give a **** anymore

I don't know what to do
I can't think straight
What's false, what's true
Can't forget how to hate

So do you run from all your fears
Are too scared to fight
Can you see through your tears
Into hellish night
So listen to me honey
Life is rough
It won't just rain money
So you gotta get tough
Gotta fight for rights
And for your cause
Because when out goes the lights
Life doesn't have a pause
I don't really care anymore

I guess I was hoping for a little bit more
Because life is one hell of a bore
So tell me, love
What are you fighting for
Things are ending just like before
But this time
I don't care anymore

below the others
   the nothing else said
matters;
but what it takes,
   doesn't take matter,
and is inseparable.

If you want to find me,
You know I am easily found.
Watching sunsets,
Sitting at the hideaway,
With the ocean breeze.
Under turquoise skies,
Exploring Lanikai,
Kaena on North Side.
Out here by the sea,
And in forests,
Running along wild things,
Along mountain edges,
Roaming free.

I had a dream
you were there
right beside me
spooning
cuddled up close
I rolled over
as I awoke
and you
disappeared

I listened to my inner voice....
When I was filled with fear, when I learned at a young age that real monsters do exist and they are not like the ones in any story book I ever read. The monsters stole away any normal childhood that I could of or should of had.  Pain muted my words from flowing and poisoned my thoughts into growing... this is why I trusted no one.  
At the time I had no other choice... when I was
really the only friend I could totally depend on and count on
I listened to my inner voice...


I listened to my heart...
When all I could hear was a pounding in my ears, when all around me was like a crazy chaotic whirlwind screeching like a barred owl that would then break apart into tiny pieces and sink into a cold abyss forgotten by the sea.  I couldn’t forget the grief as it was real and still inside me. There was a brokenness about me my
heart was fragile and it balanced on the tip of my own desperation
but still I listened to my heart...
          
I listened to the words...
Slowly but surely I was able to come out from that darkened sea and was finally able to try and heal me. Words became my saving grace. I learned to not have muted lips and could give myself a fighting chance. I was able to tear down some of those protective walls to try again to live only in this moment without the armor and the hesitation. Writing became my new love... together we became an inseparable piece of one existence...
I felt so much better after I listened to the words ....

4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
9/16/17 - The day my dad and step mom got married
7/16/18 @ 3:35pm - The day I might lose my other best friend

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and step mom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend

New:
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out

New:
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)

New: 12/9/19- The day I broke up with my boyfriend

2/5/09 - The day I lost my best friend (Grandpa)
7/?/12 - Moved in with dad
12/11/16 - Tried to KMS
9/16/17 - The day my dad and stepmom got married
4/3/18 - Started dating my boyfriend
6/19/18 - The day my dad gave me up and kicked me out
6/23/19 - Day my uncle died. He never gave up on me
10/3/19 - My best friend died(Grandma)
12/9/19 - The day I broke up with my boyfriend

New: 3/13/20 - Moved states
New: 7/21/20- Moved schools

The world around me is revolving slowly
While the people surrounding move faster & faster
As I am caught in between the fibers of time

Why am I here?
Do I even belong?

My only therapy is the songs I hear in my head
My only medication is the drugs that make me wish I were dead

I'm just a shell of my former self.
I'm not what I used to be.

It seems there's no resolution,
only an empty cell waiting for me in this institution.

Dear diary, please help me now.

There's only so much abuse I can inflict upon myself.

The cuts on my wrist, the empty bottle of pills
The lacerations on my fist, shaking from the anger still.

I've got my fix, each line getting me higher
The only answer getting clearer, as my lows keep climbing to the ladder.

My sanity escaping.
Depression creeping
As the ghost of death takes over me.

Oh diary, it seems it's goodbye to you and me.
It seems no matter what I do, the world isn't going to accept me.

I'll never belong.

I'll always be different.

Goodbye and goodnight.

I'll see you on the other side.

----------------------------

Dear diary, I'm an addict.

Yesterday was proof of concept.

Tomorrow is a death wish.

If I don't do something now,
I may never get to see the light of day.

Dear diary, please help me now.

Because I can't do this alone anymore.

when did fine come to mean depressed, anxious, scared, suicidal, desperate, self-conscious?
when did we start to lie?

"I'm fine," she says, as her stomach gnaws away at her insides, growling for food

"I'm fine," he says, as he pulls the sleeves of his sweater down over his blood-stained wrists

"I'm fine," she says, after purging all of her dinner

"I'm fine," he says, when the anxiety gets so bad that he can't breathe right

"I'm fine," they say, as they write their last goodbye,
one last lie.

I'm sorry to hear about the difficult experiences you've had to endure. It's understandable that the fear and pain you felt at a young age would have a lasting impact on you. It takes a lot of strength to trust yourself and listen to your inner voice when those around you have caused you harm. And it's not easy to carry the weight of grief and brokenness within you.

But I'm glad to hear that you found solace in words and were able to use them as a tool for healing. It's amazing how writing can help us connect with ourselves and the world around us. It's inspiring to see that you were able to break down some of those protective walls and allow yourself to live in the present moment.

I want you to know that you're not alone and that it's okay to feel vulnerable and fragile sometimes. You are brave and resilient for continuing to listen to your heart and your inner voice, even when it's hard. And I hope that you continue to find ways to express yourself and connect with the world in meaningful ways.

with that said,
let's **** **** up
You want us to lose our minds
because we're just kids
Us kids
have a story
a story beyond Slenderman and Batman.
We live
we breathe
we abide by society,
but no one expects us
to fight back
I'm a 15 year old kid,
but I hold much more than *silence

Can't you tell when I
say "I"m fine" of
how much pain and sadness
there is in my eyes?
When you ask me how I am.
I almost start to cry, but I just manage
to tell you such an easy lie.
And then I go home, wanting to die,
you still think I'm fine because you
didn't catch that horrible lie.